Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind the railroad yards."

Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday.

Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in.

If there really was a Jewish conspiracy to run the world, my rabbi would have let me in on it by now. I contribute enough to the shule.

If the ends don't justify the means, then what does?

His followers called him Mahasamatman and said he was a god. He preferred to drop the Maha- and the -atman, however, and called himself Sam. He never claimed to be a god. But then, he never claimed not to be a god. Circum- stances being what they

Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long.

Well, he thought, since neither Aristotelian Logic nor the disciplines of Science seemed to offer much hope, it's time to go beyond them... Drawing a few deep even breaths, he entered a mental state practiced only by Masters of the Universal Way of

Have you ever stopped to think what it would be like to have a woman President? "I can't deal with the Russians today. Not now. I've got my period."

Lord, what fools these mortals be!

Housework can kill you if done right.

The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it.

Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch" may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used whe

Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else; this is not advice, it is merely custom.

It is annoying to be honest to no purpose.

No poet or novelist wishes he was the only one who ever lived, but most of them wish they were the only one alive, and quite a number fondly believe their wish has been granted.

Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their handbags are full.

Consider well the proportions of things. It is better to be a young June-bug than an old bird of paradise.

You're all clear now, kid. Now blow this thing so we can all go home.

Show business is just like high school, except you get paid.

The ideal voice for radio may be defined as showing no substance, no sex, no owner, and a message of importance for every housewife.

Alas, I am dying beyond my means.

What soon grows old? Gratitude.

I never made a mistake in my life. I thought I did once, but I was wrong.

All men know the utility of useful things; but they do not know the utility of futility.

Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.

Fourteen years in the professor dodge has taught me that one can argue ingeniously on behalf of any theory, applied to any piece of literature. This is rarely harmful, because normally no-one reads such essays.

Lay off the muses, it's a very tough dollar.

Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish.

The truth is rarely pure, and never simple.

Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity. They seem more afraid of life than death.

... a thing called Ethics, whose nature was confusing but if you had it you were a High-Class Realtor and if you hadn't you were a shyster, a piker and a fly-by-night. These virtues awakened Confidence and enabled you to handle Bigger Propositions.

If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.

"You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks."

L'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare.

For if there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life.

Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away.

The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind.

Innovation is hard to schedule.

I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some kind of loophole.

Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, but remember, it didn't help the rabbit.

The executioner is, I hear, very expert, and my neck is very slender.

Too much is just enough.

It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do.

The Public is merely a multiplied "me."

Walking on water wasn't built in a day.

They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce.

Real wealth can only increase.

We're living in a golden age. All you need is gold.

It is so stupid of modern civilisation to have given up believing in the devil when he is the only explanation of it.

Genius is pain.

I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.

There is no proverb that is not true.

Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is liked getting kicked out of the Book-of-the-Month Club.

The trouble is, there is an endless supply of White Men, but there has always been a limited number of Human Beings.

The greatest productive force is human selfishness.

Better tried by twelve than carried by six.

Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest r

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.

It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that English is the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many other languages "You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case.

Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them.

A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of.

What kind of sordid business are you on now? I mean, man, whither goest thou? Whither goest thou, America, in thy shiny car in the night?

I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual becoming, with a goal in front and not behin

The best case: Get salary from America, build a house in England, live with a Japanese wife, and eat Chinese food. Pretty good case: Get salary from England, build a house in America, live with a Chinese wife, and eat Japanese food. The wo

Writing is turning one's worst moments into money.

The possession of a book becomes a substitute for reading it.

Who dat who say "who dat" when I say "who dat"?

He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man.

Why am I so soft in the middle when the rest of my life is so hard?

Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it.

What you don't know won't help you much either.

America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up.

What fools these mortals be.

We're all in this alone.

The Least Successful Collector Betsy Baker played a central role in the history of collecting. She was employed as a servant in the house of John Warburton (1682-1759) who had amassed a fine collection of 58 first edition plays, including most of t

It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely the most important.

When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.

A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion.

This was the most unkindest cut of all.

Authors (and perhaps columnists) eventually rise to the top of whatever depths they were once able to plumb.

Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.

Life is the childhood of our immortality.