Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it.

If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.

Forgive and forget.

To know Edina is to reject it.

Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.

One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible from one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at least 70 percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts are, of course, simply amazing. God is a

There is no comfort without pain; thus we define salvation through suffering.

An actor's a guy who if you ain't talkin' about him, ain't listening.

General notions are generally wrong.

Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.

Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.

Yawd [noun, Bostonese]: the campus of Have Id.

Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills.

There is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty. "When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend."

I paid a visit to my local precinct in Greenwich Village and asked a sergeant to show me some rape statistics. He politely obliged. That month there had been thirty-five rape complaints, an advance of ten over the same month for the previous year.

Many of the characters are fools and they are always playing tricks on me and treating me badly.

We have art that we do not die of the truth.

[Americans] are a race of convicts and ought to be thankful for anything we allow them short of hanging.

Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.

The English instinctively admire any man who has no talent and is modest about it.

The Soviet Union, which has complained recently about alleged anti-Soviet themes in American advertising, lodged an official protest this week against the Ford Motor Company's new campaign: "Hey you stinking, fat Russian, get off my Ford Escort."

There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.

In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty.

No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the Continent, a part of the maine; if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea, Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne we

You see, I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. A fool takes in all the lumber of every sort he comes across, so that the knowledge which might be useful to

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes. Let the reader catch his own breath.

I have just enough white in me to make my honesty questionable.

For a light heart lives long.

There is no cure for birth and death other than to enjoy the interval.

Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.

The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars."

The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose.

Work Hard. Rock Hard. Eat Hard. Sleep Hard. Grow Big. Wear Glasses If You Need 'Em.

There are people who find it odd to eat four or five Chinese meals in a row; in China, I often remind them, there are a billion or so people who find nothing odd about it.

It seems to me that nearly every woman I know wants a man who knows how to love with authority. Women are simple souls who like simple things, and one of the simplest is one of the simplest to give. ... Our family airedale will come clear across t

If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it around. Trouble creates a capacity to handle it. I don't say embrace trouble; that's as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say meet it as a friend, for you'll see a lot of it and y

A woman who is unfaithful deserves to be shot.

The trouble with opportunity is that it always comes disguised as hard work.

It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure.

Wishing without work is like fishing without bait.

Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at reasonable prices? Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's build a home center. And before long ho

Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.

I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty is oblivion.

I have a very strange feeling about this...

We are giving instruction to FBI agents in the various Chinese dialects ... to handle present and likely future contingencies.

He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news.

Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental Anguish. You would sue: * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions

All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for fun. Money's just the way we keep score.

Rome was not built in one day.

Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort of like a shell leaving the nut behind.

What makes you think graduate school is supposed to be satisfying?

It's always darkest just before the lights go out.

Recently deceased blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan "comes to" after his death. He sees Jimi Hendrix sitting next to him, tuning his guitar. "Holy cow," he thinks to himself, "this guy is my idol." Over at the microphone, about to sing, are Jim Mo

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?

Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you will pay only the station-to-station rate.

I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said, "What'll you have, Bud"? I said," I don't know, surprise me". So he showed me a nude picture of my wife.

The proof of the pudding is in the eating.

Fame lost its appeal for me when I went into a public restroom and an autograph seeker handed me a pen and paper under the stall door.

Lo! Men have become the tool of their tools.

The better part of valor is discretion.

Have the courage to take your own thoughts seriously, for they will shape you.

Many a writer seems to think he is never profound except when he can't understand his own meaning.

It is convenient that there be gods, and, as it is convenient, let us believe there are.

"To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition."

Beauty is one of the rare things which does not lead to doubt of God.

The most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage in the country is the one on which you resell it.

The world wants to be deceived.

"Plaese porrf raed."

We have reason to be afraid. This is a terrible place.

All art is but imitation of nature.

Sorry 'bout that sweat, honey. That's just holy water.

The old complaint that mass culture is designed for eleven-year-olds is of course a shameful canard. The key age has traditionally been more like fourteen.

God gave man two ears and one tongue so that we listen twice as much as we speak.

Human resources are human first, and resources second.

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.

There are many of us in this old world of ours who hold that things break about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get about the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summer and the poor get it in the winter.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. My advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.

Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin.