Remark of Dr. Baldwin's concerning upstarts: We don't care to eat toadstools that think they are truffles.

Never buy from a rich salesman.

Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home tool sets for under $4?" An excellent question. Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where they

The time spent on any item of the agenda [of a finance committee] will be in inverse proportion to the sum involved.

The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding.

Unprovided with original learning, unformed in the habits of thinking, unskilled in the arts of composition, I resolved to write a book.

I have always noticed that whenever a radical takes to Imperialism, he catches it in a very acute form.

An office party is not, as is sometimes supposed the Managing Director's chance to kiss the tea-girl. It is the tea-girl's chance to kiss the Managing Director (however bizarre an ambition this may seem to anyone who has seen the Managing Director f

I am convinced that the truest act of courage is to sacrifice ourselves for others in a totally nonviolent struggle for justice. To be a man is to suffer for others.

Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not, when a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and apparently incoherent songs. I was myself within the circle, so that I neither saw nor heard as those without might

The sky is blue so we know where to stop mowing.

Let your conscience be your guide.

The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.

It is only the man whose intellect is clouded by his sexual impulse that could give the name of the fair sex to that undersized, narrow-shouldered, broad-hipped, and short-legged race.

Three o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too late or a little too early for anything you want to do.

I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I tell them the truth and they never believe me.

Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.

I know on which side my bread is buttered.

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

Who does not trust enough will not be trusted.

Has the great art and mystery of politics no apparent utility? Does it appear to be unqualifiedly ratty, raffish, sordid, obscene and low down, and its salient virtuosi a gang of umitigated scoundrels? Then let us not forget its high capacity to soo

There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

A word to the wise is enough.

Love may laugh at locksmiths, but he has a profound respect for money bags.

With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time they make a law it's a joke.

Never promise more than you can perform.

All is well that ends well.

I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.

It's from Casablanca. I've been waiting all my life to use that line.

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.

The man-hating woman, like the cold woman, is largely imaginary. She is simply a woman who has done her best to snare a man and has failed.

She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.

Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the men are strong, the women are pretty, and the children are above-average.

Producers seem to be so prejudiced against actors who've had no training. And there's no reason for it. So what if I didn't attend the Royal Academy for twelve years? I'm still a professional trying to be the best actress I can. Why doesn't anyone

I place economy among the first and most important virtues, and public debt as the greatest of dangers to be feared. To preserve our independence, we must not let our rulers load us with perpetual debt. If we run into such debts, we must be taxed i

Take what you can use and let the rest go by.

Rotten wood cannot be carved.

If your happiness depends on what somebody else does, I guess you do have a problem.

I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.

It is a wise father that knows his own child.

The more the merrier.

A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.

"It's a summons." "What's a summons?" "It means summon's in trouble."

Grub first, then ethics.

I needed the good will of the legislature of four states. I formed the legislative bodies with my own money. I found that it was cheaper that way.

A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around she deserved.

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.

Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.

There appears to be irrefutable evidence that the mere fact of overcrowding induces violence.

XI: If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would get twice as much done. If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty times as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all the managers would fly off. XII: I

The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose.

As Gen. de Gaulle occassionally acknowledges America to be the daughter of Europe, so I am pleased to come to Yale, the daughter of Harvard.

To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D.

I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.

There's nothing in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead armadillos.

Mundus vult decipi decipiatur ergo.

The faster we go, the rounder we get.

The proof of the pudding is in the eating.

"My country, right or wrong" is a thing that no patriot would think of saying, except in a desperate case. It is like saying "My mother, drunk or sober."

Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.

There is no comfort without pain; thus we define salvation through suffering.

If you don't count some of Jehovah's injunctions, there are no humorists in the Bible.

Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying as an income tax refund.

I never made a mistake in my life. I thought I did once, but I was wrong.

Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all.

Acting is not very hard. The most important things are to be able to laugh and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. And if I have to laugh, well, I think of my sex life.

Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.

Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait. [If youth but knew, if old age but could.]

Where there is much light there is also much shadow.

Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia because they were liars. The truth was that Plato knew philosophers couldn't compete successfully with poets.

Every why hath a wherefore.

All I know is what the words know, and dead things, and that makes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a middle and an end, as in the well-built phrase and the long sonata of the dead.

"Remember, if it's being done correctly, here or abroad, it's ___not the U.S. Army doing it!"

America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up.

War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military.

You tread upon my patience.

A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth.

To be or not to be.

Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of government, therefore,

"... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often picturesque liar."