The most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage in the country is the one on which you resell it.

The time was the 19th of May, 1780. The place was Hartford, Connecticut. The day has gone down in New England history as a terrible foretaste of Judgement Day. For at noon the skies turned from blue to grey and by mid-afternoon had blackened over s

The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.

I have had my television aerials removed. It's the moral equivalent of a prostate operation.

"Do you think there's a God?" "Well, ____SOMEbody's out to get me!"

Things are not always what they seem.

There are many of us in this old world of ours who hold that things break about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get about the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summer and the poor get it in the winter.

If the ends don't justify the means, then what does?

Gratitude and treachery are merely the two extremities of the same procession. You have seen all of it that is worth staying for when the band and the gaudy officials have gone by.

The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.

If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry.

Rembrandt is not to be compared in the painting of character with our extraordinarily gifted English artist, Mr. Rippingille.

For thee the wonder-working earth puts forth sweet flowers.

The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern. Every class is unfit to govern.

When you're in command, command.

Someday, Weederman, we'll look back on all this and laugh... It will probably be one of those deep, eerie ones that slowly builds to a blood-curdling maniacal scream... but still it will be a laugh.

Those who do things in a noble spirit of self-sacrifice are to be avoided at all costs.

She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.

The error of youth is to believe that intelligence is a substitute for experience, while the error of age is to believe experience is a substitute for intelligence.

In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!"

If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.

What is the robbing of a bank compared to the founding of a bank?

Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there.

If you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk. If you wish to be happy for three days, get married. If you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it. If you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish.

If you know the answer to a question, don't ask.

"The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as we could with both of them."

There is nothing new except what has been forgotten.

The salary of the chief executive of the large corporation is not a market award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal gesture by the individual to himself.

I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men

"Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich."

"All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands."

Art is a lie which makes us realize the truth.

I'm glad I was not born before tea.

A place for everything and everything in its place.

If any man wishes to be humbled and mortified, let him become president of Harvard.

The old complaint that mass culture is designed for eleven-year-olds is of course a shameful canard. The key age has traditionally been more like fourteen.

There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.

Nothing recedes like success.

"God gives burdens; also shoulders" Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech at the end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish saying; I can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth though; why wo

This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.

There is no fool to the old fool.

Scratch the average female and you'll find a purring bundle... at the ready to love and honor, bake a torte and still produce quintuplets.

When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the thing," it's the money.

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A morgue is a morgue is a morgue. They can paint the walls with aggressively cheerful primary colors and splashy bold graphics, but it's still a holding place for the dead until they can be parted out to organ banks. Not that I would have cared nor

A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies, scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom.

With all the talent around, it's sort of amazing that a woman could be up here with us.

War is like love, it always finds a way.

Conscience doth make cowards of us all.

Everyone is in the best seat.

The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque Enclosed."

Alas, how love can trifle with itself!

Men of lofty genius when they are doing the least work are most active.

He thought of Musashi, the Sword Saint, standing in his garden more than three hundred years ago. "What is the 'Body of a rock'?" he was asked. In answer, Musashi summoned a pupil of his and bid him kill himself by slashing his abdomen with a knife.

Many a sober Christian would rather admit that a wafer is God than that God is a cruel and capricious tyrant.

There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary as 'unearned income.'

"A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a good many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious scruples and the police."

Ben, why didn't you tell me?

Monterey... is decidedly the pleasantest and most civilized-looking place in California ... [it] is also a great place for cock-fighting, gambling of all sorts, fandangos, and various kinds of amusements and knavery.

He who writes with no misspelled words has prevented a first suspicion on the limits of his scholarship or, in the social world, of his general education and culture.

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

You have all eternity to be cautious in when you're dead.

Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.

Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist drivel; Star Trek can turn your brains to puree of bat guano; and the greatest science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll take you all on, one-by-one or all in a bunc

What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.

From the cradle to the coffin underwear comes first.

Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine.

If it were thought that anything I wrote was influenced by Robert Frost, I would take that particular work of mine, shred it, and flush it down the toilet, hoping not to clog the pipes. A more sententious, holding- forth old bore who expected every

"You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive."

Where do I find the time for not reading so many books?

The divinity of Jesus is made a convenient cover for absurdity. Nowhere in the Gospels do we find a precept for Creeds, Confessions, Oaths, Doctrines, and whole carloads of other foolish trumpery that we find in Christianity.

Why, when no honest man will deny in private that every ultimate problem is wrapped in the profoundest mystery, do honest men proclaim in pulpits that unhesitating certainty is the duty of the most foolish and ignorant? Is it not a spectacle to make

Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak!

Beggars should be no choosers.

You can have peace. Or you can have freedom. Don't ever count on having both at once.

France is a country where the money falls apart and you can't tear the toilet paper.

Diary of a Young Girl LITE(tm)

It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure.

After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon to be created." "This is true," He replied.

"It says he made us all to be just like him. So if we're dumb, then god is dumb, and maybe even a little ugly on the side."

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.

The trouble with opportunity is that it always comes disguised as hard work.