Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.

Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.

Like, if I'm not for me, then fer shure, like who will be? And if, y'know, if I'm not like fer anyone else, then hey, I mean, what am I? And if not now, like I dunno, maybe like when? And if not Who, then I dunno, maybe like the Rolling Stones?

Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities, requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by tur

It is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final.

Suffering alone exists, none who suffer; The deed there is, but no doer thereof; Nirvana is, but no one is seeking it; The Path there is, but none who travel it.

"Hey, Sam, how about a loan?" "Whattaya need?" "Oh, about $500." "Whattaya got for collateral?" "Whattaya need?" "How about an eye?"

I'll turn over a new leaf.

It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the r

Some women should be beaten regularly, like gongs.

'Naomi, sex at noon taxes.' I moan. Never odd or even. A man, a plan, a canal, Panama. Madam, I'm Adam. Sit on a potato pan, Otis. Sit on Otis.

Indeed, the first noble truth of Buddhism, usually translated as `all life is suffering,' is more accurately rendered `life is filled with a sense of pervasive unsatisfactoriness.'

I hate quotations.

There is no comfort without pain; thus we define salvation through suffering.

There's no such thing as a free lunch.

Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a number. Youre two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and another number.

Bullwinkle: You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the outfit. General: What does that make YOU? Bullwinkle: What else? An executive.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around us in awareness.

A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.

Better late than never.

We're living in a golden age. All you need is gold.

If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.

Three minutes' thought would suffice to find this out; but thought is irksome and three minutes is a long time.

A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.

XXVI: If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed on each other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to chance. XXVII: Rank does not intimidate hardware. Neither does the lack of rank. XXVIII: It is better to be the r

He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him.

"No job too big; no fee too big!"

Women of genius commonly have masculine faces, figures and manners. In transplanting brains to an alien soil God leaves a little of the original earth clinging to the roots.

Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.

If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long.

The life which is unexamined is not worth living.

Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait. [If youth but knew, if old age but could.]

"What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?"

He who knows others is wise. He who knows himself is enlightened.

Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business. Cheat.

The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic devices, such as television sets and VCR's, to the destruction centers, where trained personnel would whack them (the devices) with sledgehammers. With their devices thus permanent

In breeding cattle you need one bull for every twenty-five cows, unless the cows are known sluts.

Fear is the greatest salesman.

The only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane.

The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves.

Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't, don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck.

The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist knows it.

...He who laughs does not believe in what he laughs at, but neither does he hate it. Therefore, laughing at evil means not preparing oneself to combat it, and laughing at good means denying the power through which good is self-propagating.

The Bible says that woman was the last thing God made. Evidently He made her on Saturday night. She reveals his fatigue.

A full belly makes a dull brain.

Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away?

Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future.

If I love you, what business is it of yours?

I just asked myself... what would John DeLorean do?

The more laws and order are made prominent, the more thieves and robbers there will be.

No is no negative in a woman's mouth.

Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their handbags are full.

Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.

The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning, and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished.

The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch someone else doing it wrong, without commenting.

No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings.

As failures go, attempting to recall the past is like trying to grasp the meaning of existence. Both make one feel like a baby clutching at a basketball: one's palms keep sliding off.

Five bicycles make a volkswagen, seven make a truck.

I consider a new device or technology to have been culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder.

It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion.

Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.

All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard, ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas.

Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.

Truth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominy of him that brought her birth.

Look ere ye leap.

You cannot see the wood for the trees.

You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred.

The fact that it works is immaterial.

Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these.

A little bit of rape is good for a man's soul.

Those who do things in a noble spirit of self-sacrifice are to be avoided at all costs.

Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.

Beggars should be no choosers.

Arrakis teaches the attitude of the knife - chopping off what's incomplete and saying: "Now it's complete because it's ended here."

None love the bearer of bad news.

One man's Mede is another man's Persian.

To do two things at once is to do neither.

The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped marker.

When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the thing," it's the money.

Intellect annuls Fate. So far as a man thinks, he is free.