"World conquerors sometimes become fools, but fools never become world conquerors."

The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine we own.

"Remember, if it's being done correctly, here or abroad, it's ___not the U.S. Army doing it!"

I try to keep an open mind, but not so open that my brains fall out.

We tried to close Ohio's borders and ran into a Constitutional problem. There's a provision in the Constitution that says you can't close your borders to interstate commerce, and garbage is a form of interstate commerce.

Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge.

The greatest productive force is human selfishness.

Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously; and do not take what happens either to yourself or your work seriously.

They're giving bank robbing a bad name.

When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to pieces like this but we all have to

She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.

There are two ways of disliking art. One is to dislike it. The other is to like it rationally.

The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.

Many a writer seems to think he is never profound except when he can't understand his own meaning.

Power tends to corrupt, absolute power corrupts absolutely.

Mike: "The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?" Bernie: "Nobody ever empties the ashtrays. People are SO inconsiderate."

You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements.