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"Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun."

Ba Dave


'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability.

Barry Dave


If you live long enough, you'll see that every victory turns into a defeat.

Barry Dave


Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant.

Barry Dave


Don't get mad, get even.

Barry Dave


The executioner is, I hear, very expert, and my neck is very slender.

Barry Dave


I just need enough to tide me over until I need more.

Barry Dave


You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.

Barry Dave


We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it.

Barry Dave


If a fool persists in his folly he shall become wise.

Barry Dave


No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.

Barry Dave


Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.

Barry Dave


It is either through the influence of narcotic potions, of which all primitive peoples and races speak in hymns, or through the powerful approach of spring, penetrating with joy all of nature, that those Dionysian stirrings arise, which in their int

Barry Dave


Some people say a front-engine car handles best. Some people say a rear-engine car handles best. I say a rented car handles best.

Barry Dave


If you know the answer to a question, don't ask.

Barry Dave


She hates testicles, thus limiting the men she can admire to Democratic candidates for president.

Barry Dave


I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.

Barry Dave


Thinking you know something is a sure way to blind yourself.

Barry Dave


You are never given a wish without also being given the power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however.

Barry Dave


Woman is generally so bad that the difference between a good and a bad woman scarcely exists.

Barry Dave


American cars are made shoddily... Cars made overseas are far superior.

Barry Dave


Time as he grows old teaches all things.

Barry Dave


The Israelis are the Doberman pinschers of the Middle East. They treat the Arabs like postmen.

Barry Dave


The smallest worm will turn being trodden on.

Barry Dave


"Any news from the President on a successor?" he asked hopefully. "None," Anita replied. "She's having great difficulty finding someone qualified who is willing to accept the post." "Then I stay," said Dr. Fresh. "I'm not good for much, but I c

Barry Dave


Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not have possibly met.

Barry Dave


Remember that there is an outside world to see and enjoy.

Barry Dave


No one knows what he can do till he tries.

Barry Dave


Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

Barry Dave


If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly.

Barry Dave


If a man slept by day, he had little time to work. That was a satisfying notion to Escargot.

Barry Dave


Our business in life is not to succeed but to continue to fail in high spirits.

Barry Dave


"Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work"

Barry Dave


God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying other things.

Barry Dave


By the middle 1880's, practically all the roads except those in the South, were of the present standard gauge. The southern roads were still five feet between rails. It was decided to change the gauge of all southern roads to standard, in one day

Barry Dave


There must be more to life than having everything.

Barry Dave


When I came back to Dublin I was courtmartialed in my absence and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.

Barry Dave


"Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich."

Barry Dave


Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp. It's 2 cents for postage and 30 cents for storage.

Barry Dave


Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall on our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!!

Barry Dave


The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, "How's the President?"

Barry Dave


A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.

Barry Dave


I can hire one half of the working class to kill the other half.

Barry Dave


British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive it. If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps.

Barry Dave


Since everything in life is but an experience perfect in being what it is, having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well burst out in laughter.

Barry Dave


A priest asked: What is Fate, Master? And the Master answered: It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence. It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs. It is that which has caused nations to build bywa

Barry Dave


There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself.

Barry Dave


Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.

Barry Dave


We Americans, we're a simple people... but piss us off, and we'll bomb your cities.

Barry Dave


Never laugh at live dragons.

Barry Dave


It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether II win or lose.

Butler Dave


A myth is a religion in which no-one any longer believes.

Dave


"Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in exchange for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday. Mannis feels he must devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might emanate from a recent statement he made compar

Dave Barry


Too much is just enough.

Johnson Dave


The bay-trees in our country are all wither'd And meteors fright the fixed stars of heaven; The pale-faced moon looks bloody on the earth And lean-look'd prophets whisper fearful change. These signs forerun the death or fall of kings.

Millman Dave


This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with great force.

Parnas Dave


XXVI: If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed on each other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to chance. XXVII: Rank does not intimidate hardware. Neither does the lack of rank. XXVIII: It is better to be the r

Thomas Dave


"Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever

de Dave Johnson on





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