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Hard reality has a way of cramping your style.

Ba Dave


When you are in the middle of a story it isn't a story at all, but only a confusion; a dark roaring, a blindness, a wreckage of shattered glass and splintered wood, like a house in a whirlwind, or else a boat crushed by the icebergs or swept over the

Barry Dave


The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist knows it.

Barry Dave


The notes blatted skyward as they rose over the Canada geese, feathered rumps mooning the day, webbed appendages frantically pedaling unseen bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by cruel Nature's maxim, 'Ya wanna eat, ya gotta work,' and a

Barry Dave


If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell.

Barry Dave


Honesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty.

Barry Dave


Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch" may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used whe

Barry Dave


Then, gently touching my face, she hesitated for a moment as her incredible eyes poured forth into mine love, joy, pain, tragedy, acceptance, and peace. "'Bye for now," she said warmly.

Barry Dave


Age before beauty; and pearls before swine.

Barry Dave


The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animals. Some of their most esteemed inventions have no other apparent purpose, for example, the dinner party of more than two, the epic poem, and the

Barry Dave


Take what you can use and let the rest go by.

Barry Dave


Theology is an attempt to explain a subject by men who do not understand it. The intent is not to tell the truth but to satisfy the questioner.

Barry Dave


When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.

Barry Dave


The public demands certainties; it must be told definitely and a bit raucously that this is true and that is false. But there are no certainties.

Barry Dave


When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.

Barry Dave


A good scapegoat is hard to find. A guilty conscience is the mother of invention.

Barry Dave


Another such victory over the Romans, and we are undone.

Barry Dave


He who knows others is wise. He who knows himself is enlightened.

Barry Dave


Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a number. Youre two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and another number.

Barry Dave


"That's no answer," Job said, "And for someone who's supposed to be omnipotent, let me tell you 'tabernacle' has only one l."

Barry Dave


The only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane.

Barry Dave


A myth is a religion in which no-one any longer believes.

Barry Dave


"I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it."

Barry Dave


Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours.

Barry Dave


Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth.

Barry Dave


The Russians have put a small ball up in the air. That does not raise my apprehensions one iota.

Barry Dave


My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind.

Barry Dave


Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep". Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference: "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling." Obvious, isn't

Barry Dave


Living in New York City gives people real incentives to want things that nobody else wants.

Barry Dave


The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine we own.

Barry Dave


The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being as his Father, in the womb of a virgin will be classified with the fable of the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter. But we may hope that the dawn of reason and

Barry Dave


To be excellent when engaged in administration is to be like the North Star. As it remains in its one position, all the other stars surround it.

Barry Dave


The more the merrier.

Barry Dave


Youth is a blunder, manhood a struggle, old age a regret.

Barry Dave


Historians have now definitely established that Juan Cabrillo, discoverer of California, was not looking for Kansas, thus setting a precedent that continues to this day.

Barry Dave


When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.

Barry Dave


I never trust a man unless I've got his pecker in my pocket.

Barry Dave


Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.

Barry Dave


It is a lesson which all history teaches wise men, to put trust in ideas, and not in circumstances.

Barry Dave


What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space-launch-style "hold" for two to three hours, durin

Barry Dave


Time goes, you say? Ah no! Time stays, *we* go.

Barry Dave


She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.

Barry Dave


Lo! Men have become the tool of their tools.

Barry Dave


Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult.

Barry Dave


"Plaese porrf raed."

Barry Dave


Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.

Barry Dave


Just once I would like to persuade the audience not to wear any article of blue denim. If only they could see themselves in a pair of brown corduroys like mine instead of this awful, boring blue denim. I don't enjoy the sky or sea as much as I used

Barry Dave


There but for the grace of God, goes God.

Barry Dave


The Worst Musical Trio There are few bad musicians who have a chance to give a recital at a famous concert hall while still learning the rudiments of their instrument. This happened about thirty years ago to the son of a Rumanian gentleman who was

Barry Dave


Talkers are no good doers.

Barry Dave


You can never do just one thing.

Butler Dave


When a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight, it concentrates his mind wonderfully.

Dave


The only happiness lies in reason; all the rest of the world is dismal. The highest reason, however, I see in the work of the artist, and he may experience it as such. Happiness lies in the swiftness of feeling and thinking: all the rest of the worl

Dave Barry


"California is proud to be the home of the freeway."

Johnson Dave


Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops.

Millman Dave


My tears stuck in their little ducts, refusing to be jerked.

Parnas Dave


Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic table.

Thomas Dave


I have just enough white in me to make my honesty questionable.

de Dave Johnson on





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Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
Twain Mark

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