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The greatest productive force is human selfishness.

Ba Dave


Words have a longer life than deeds.

Barry Dave


Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases.

Barry Dave


You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove.

Barry Dave


I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to sacrifice my wife's brother.

Barry Dave


There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

Barry Dave


I know not how I came into this, shall I call it a dying life or a living death?

Barry Dave


A great empire, like a great cake, is most easily diminished at the edges.

Barry Dave


"What's this? Trix? Aunt! Trix? You? You're after the prize! What is it?" He picked up the box and studied the back. "A glow-in-the-dark squid! Have you got it out of there yet?" He tilted the box, angling the little colored balls of cereal

Barry Dave


A is for Apple.

Barry Dave


L'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare.

Barry Dave


There are two ways of disliking art. One is to dislike it. The other is to like it rationally.

Barry Dave


So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence.

Barry Dave


New Jersey is not the armpit of the nation; it's the asshole of the universe.

Barry Dave


The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

Barry Dave


Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered. I myself would say that it had merely been detected.

Barry Dave


Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.

Barry Dave


By the middle 1880's, practically all the roads except those in the South, were of the present standard gauge. The southern roads were still five feet between rails. It was decided to change the gauge of all southern roads to standard, in one day

Barry Dave


Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years organising and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office.

Barry Dave


True to our past we work with an inherited, observed, and accepted vision of personal futility, and of the beauty of the world.

Barry Dave


Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, but remember, it didn't help the rabbit.

Barry Dave


Dear Ann Landers: My husband watches the TV preachers every Sunday. He claims one minister said there are 350 different sins. My husband wants to know if you can get the list. He thinks he is missing something.

Barry Dave


If they were so inclined, they could impeach him because they don't like his necktie.

Barry Dave


Art is a lie which makes us realize the truth.

Barry Dave


Dustin Farnum: Why, yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats! Oliver Herford: Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of it!

Barry Dave


If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world.

Barry Dave


To say you got a vote of confidence would be to say you needed a vote of confidence.

Barry Dave


Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.

Barry Dave


There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

Barry Dave


Once I belonged to a group that really had THE WORD. I fought like hell for them. But another group came along and exposed the word of my group as shallow and degenerate. They had a better word. So I quit the first group and lost all the friends

Barry Dave


If we can ever make red tape nutritional, we can feed the world.

Barry Dave


It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased.

Barry Dave


We'll be recording at the Paradise Friday night. Live, on the Death label.

Barry Dave


What does it take for Americans to do great things; to go to the moon, to win wars, to dig canals linking oceans, to build railroads across a continent? In independent thought about this question, Neil Armstrong and I concluded that it takes a coinci

Barry Dave


A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!

Barry Dave


Alas, I am dying beyond my means.

Barry Dave


It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim of infanticide.

Barry Dave


If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life.

Barry Dave


The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence that it is not utterly absurd; indeed, in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind, a widespread belief is more often likely to be foolish than sensible.

Barry Dave


I am a man: nothing human is alien to me.

Barry Dave


Out of sight is out of mind.

Barry Dave


The hater of property and of government takes care to have his warranty deed recorded, and the book written against fame and learning has the author's name on the title page.

Barry Dave


Call on God, but row away from the rocks.

Barry Dave


Somewhat alarmed at the continued growth of the number of employees on the Department of Agriculture payroll in 1962, Michigan Republican Robert Griffin proposed an amendment to the farm bill so that "the total number of employees in the Department

Barry Dave


When you say that you agree to a thing in principle, you mean that you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice.

Barry Dave


Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long.

Barry Dave


"I'm dying," he croaked. "My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted . "You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized. "That's no beagle, it's a mongrel," she muttered. "The fire is going out," he bellowed. "Bad marksmanship," the h

Barry Dave


According to my best recollection, I don't remember.

Barry Dave


Let the people think they govern and they will be governed.

Barry Dave


To listen to some devout people, one would imagine that God never laughs.

Barry Dave


The so-called lessons of history are for the most part the rationalizations of the victors. History is written by the survivors.

Butler Dave


Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.

Dave


If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry.

Dave Barry


Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.

Johnson Dave


A woman takes off her claim to respect along with her garments.

Millman Dave


"Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun."

Parnas Dave


Mankind is poised midway between the gods and the beasts.

Thomas Dave


Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.

de Dave Johnson on





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You know it's Monday when you wake up and it's Tuesday.
Garfield

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