A good scapegoat is hard to find. A guilty conscience is the mother of invention.

Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations. He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan, then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open market. If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarri

Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.

Walking on water wasn't built in a day.

The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves.

Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which millionaires tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth.

Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for even the greatest fool may ask more the the wisest man can answer.

Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind the railroad yards."

Housework can kill you if done right.

The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth.

"Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five hundred."

Suffering alone exists, none who suffer; The deed there is, but no doer thereof; Nirvana is, but no one is seeking it; The Path there is, but none who travel it.

Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.

Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.

If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.

Wait for that wisest of all counselors, Time.

IV. The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. Such an object is inevitably price

Practice yourself what you preach.

"What are you watching?" "I don't know." "Well, what's happening?" "I'm not sure... I think the guy in the hat did something terrible." "Why are you watching it?" "You're so analytical. Sometimes you just have to let art flow over you."

L'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare.

All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies.

Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.

Would it help if I got out and pushed?

Who's scruffy-looking?

If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life.

Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves.

Nothing recedes like success.

Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.

"The jig's up, Elman." "Which jig?"

If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could work for with a great deal of enjoyment.

It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two years.

A man's house is his castle.

I think... I think it's in my basement... Let me go upstairs and check.

There are many of us in this old world of ours who hold that things break about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get about the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summer and the poor get it in the winter.

It is a lesson which all history teaches wise men, to put trust in ideas, and not in circumstances.

There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need the money; the second that you have something to say that you think the world should know; the third is that you can't think what to do with the long winter evenings.

The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate knowledge of its ugly side.

The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his memos.

You must be the change you wish to see in the world.

There is no sin but ignorance.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it.

It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim of infanticide.

Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities, requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by tur

Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high, they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.

Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine.

What an author likes to write most is his signature on the back of a cheque.

Never promise more than you can perform.