When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.

Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit. [There is no great genius without some touch of madness.]

The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist "Jack."

Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere. Climb the mountain just a little to test it's a mountain. From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain.

"The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain."

The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped marker.

Think lucky. If you fall in a pond, check your pockets for fish.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. My advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive!

If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The "professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on t

A rolling stone gathers no moss.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D.

Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to?

To add insult to injury.

If you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk. If you wish to be happy for three days, get married. If you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it. If you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish.

The sky is blue so we know where to stop mowing.

Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they had towels from my house.

"Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever

There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, it might well prolong his life.

Men's skin is different from women's skin. It is usually bigger, and it has more snakes tattooed on it. Also, if you examine a woman's skin very closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently tracing the slender curve of her cal

You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.

We are what we pretend to be.

... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If somebody gets handed a name like "H.

Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.

It doesn't matter whether you win or lose

No is no negative in a woman's mouth.

Money doesn't talk, it swears.

Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books.

Let's remind ourselves that last year's fresh idea is today's cliche.

The truth is rarely pure, and never simple.

In the long run we are all dead.

Getting into trouble is easy.

Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves.

How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?

[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity: (1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a

Then, gently touching my face, she hesitated for a moment as her incredible eyes poured forth into mine love, joy, pain, tragedy, acceptance, and peace. "'Bye for now," she said warmly.

Or you or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company.

The only happiness lies in reason; all the rest of the world is dismal. The highest reason, however, I see in the work of the artist, and he may experience it as such. Happiness lies in the swiftness of feeling and thinking: all the rest of the worl

Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge.

Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours.

God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through.

A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.

A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies, scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom.

Life is too short to be taken seriously.

Odets, where is thy sting?

Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all.

A sinking ship gathers no moss.

A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed.