Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the men are strong, the women are pretty, and the children are above-average.

Language is a virus from another planet.

The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.

I am a deeply superficial person.

History is nothing but a collection of fables and useless trifles, cluttered up with a mass of unnecessary figures and proper names.

Neckties strangle clear thinking.

Those who do things in a noble spirit of self-sacrifice are to be avoided at all costs.

I just asked myself... what would John DeLorean do?

The trouble with opportunity is that it always comes disguised as hard work.

There's no justice in this world.

The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use in effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the Declaration not for that, but for future use.

The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to do what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with them while they do it.

Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations. He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan, then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open market. If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarri

Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very opposite applies with the judges.

"It's a summons." "What's a summons?" "It means summon's in trouble."

Don't vote

"It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country. The Greeks never said it was sweet to die for anything. They had no vital lies."

America, I'm putting my queer shoulder to the wheel.

Remember folks. Street lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.

By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death.

The use of money is all the advantage there is to having money.

Dear Ann Landers: My husband watches the TV preachers every Sunday. He claims one minister said there are 350 different sins. My husband wants to know if you can get the list. He thinks he is missing something.

You can't run away forever, But there's nothing wrong with getting a good head start.

The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence that it is not utterly absurd; indeed, in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind, a widespread belief is more often likely to be foolish than sensible.

A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call what he writes fiction.

The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars."

Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two points.

We should be glad we're living in the time that we are. If any of us had been born into a more enlightened age, I'm sure we would have immediately been taken out and shot.

War is delightful to those who have had no experience of it.

"Hey, Sam, how about a loan?" "Whattaya need?" "Oh, about $500." "Whattaya got for collateral?" "Whattaya need?" "How about an eye?"

Alas, I am dying beyond my means.

It's always darkest just before the lights go out.

Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away.

In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred thousand miles long ... se

We have reason to be afraid. This is a terrible place.

War hath no fury like a non-combatant.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once.

Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying as an income tax refund.

The price of seeking to force our beliefs on others is that someday they might force their beliefs on us.

If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads.

Dignity is like a flag. It flaps in a storm.

Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent and original in your work.

No-one would remember the Good Samaritan if he had only had good intentions. He had money as well.

Force has no place where there is need of skill.

"Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around, I'd rather lie around. No contest."

In the first place, God made idiots; this was for practice; then he made school boards.

A woman who is guided by the head and not by the heart is a social pestilence: she has all the defects of the passionate and affectionate woman, with none of her compensations; she is without pity, without love, without virtue, without sex.