There seems no plan because it is all plan.

If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry.

To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.

The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch someone else doing it wrong, without commenting.

Catharsis is something I associate with pornography and crossword puzzles.

How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another in the waking state?

Some women should be beaten regularly, like gongs.

When in doubt, use brute force.

We rarely find anyone who can say he has lived a happy life, and who, content with his life, can retire from the world like a satisfied guest.

A game can by God repent or we'll punish it. That's how they did it in Salem in the seventeenth century, and that's how we'll do it now.

I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.

A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation.

All of us should treasure his Oriental wisdom and his preaching of a Zen-like detachment, as exemplified by his constant reminder to clerks, tellers, or others who grew excited by his presence in their banks: "Just lie down on the floor and keep calm

God helps them that help themselves.

Somehow I reached excess without ever noticing when I was passing through satisfaction.

Do not despair of life. You have no doubt force enough to overcome your obstacles. Think of the fox prowling through wood and field in a winter night for something to satisfy his hunger. Notwithstanding cold and hounds and traps, his race survives

My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.

Coincidences are spiritual puns.

Plastic... Aluminum... These are the inheritors of the Universe! Flesh and Blood have had their day... and that day is past!

Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant.

After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon to be created." "This is true," He replied.

A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies, scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom.

Credit ... is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man.

A snake lurks in the grass.

Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe? Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business signs to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a word, as in: WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHEC

He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.

A rolling stone gathers no moss.

Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.

Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.

Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake?

The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.

To restore a sense of reality, I think Walt Disney should have a Hardluckland.

It doesn't matter whether you win or lose

All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies.

You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

"Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever

"Do you think there's a God?" "Well, ____SOMEbody's out to get me!"

Anything that is worth doing has been done frequently. Things hitherto undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth.

A good name lost is seldom regained. When character is gone, all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever.

Better tried by twelve than carried by six.

Objectivity is to a newspaper what virtue is to a woman.

The great question that has never been answered and which I have not yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul is: WHAT DOES A WOMAN WANT?

I just need enough to tide me over until I need more.

The only promotion rules I can think of are that a sense of shame is to be avoided at all costs and there is never any reason for a hustler to be less cunning than more virtuous men. Oh yes ... whenever you think you've got something really great, a

When you die, you lose a very important part of your life.

Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women it is merely a good excuse not to play football.

I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.

Standards are different for all things, so the standard set by man is by no means the only 'certain' standard. If you mistake what is relative for something certain, you have strayed far from the ultimate truth.

If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism.

No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.