I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.

He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know.

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.

Sometimes, too long is too long.

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it.

By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death.

A woman takes off her claim to respect along with her garments.

'Naomi, sex at noon taxes.' I moan. Never odd or even. A man, a plan, a canal, Panama. Madam, I'm Adam. Sit on a potato pan, Otis. Sit on Otis.

She applies her lipstick in spite of its contents: "greasy rouge, containing crushed and dried insect corpses for coloring, beeswax for stiffness, and olive oil to help it flow - the latter having the unfortunate tendency to go rancid several hours a

Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth gr

Adhere to your own act, and congratulate yourself if you have done something strange and extravagant, and broken the monotony of a decorous age.

If little else, the brain is an educational toy.

Solipsists of the World... you are already united.

The Angels want to wear my red shoes.

Maybe ain't ain't so correct, but I notice that lots of folks who ain't using ain't ain't eatin' well.

The fact that it works is immaterial.

It is not enough that I should succeed. Others must fail.

The Worst Jury A murder trial at Manitoba in February 1978 was well advanced, when one juror revealed that he was completely deaf and did not have the remotest clue what was happening. The judge, Mr. Justice Solomon, asked him if he had heard any

To restore a sense of reality, I think Walt Disney should have a Hardluckland.

When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.

If I had done everything I'm credited with, I'd be speaking to you from a laboratory jar at Harvard.

Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind the railroad yards."

The greatest productive force is human selfishness.

Save the Whales

I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.

A word to the wise is enough.

The trouble is, there is an endless supply of White Men, but there has always been a limited number of Human Beings.

One hundred women are not worth a single testicle.

No one born with a mouth and a need is "innocent".

I used to be disgusted, now I find I'm just amused.

Certainly the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win.

Term, holidays, term, holidays, till we leave school, and then work, work, work till we die.

Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l.

Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations Sign on a cabin door of a Soviet Black Sea cruise liner: Helpsavering apparata in emergings behold many whistles! Associate the stringing apparata about the bosums and meet behind, flee then t

The trouble with opportunity is that it always comes disguised as hard work.

I shot an arrow in to the air, and it stuck.

We have reason to be afraid. This is a terrible place.

The last vestiges of the old Republic have been swept away.

If you aren't rich you should always look useful.

A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of.

It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased.

Let your conscience be your guide.

If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.

I will make you shorter by the head.

Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.

Practice yourself what you preach.

For myself, I can only say that I am astonished and somewhat terrified at the results of this evening's experiments. Astonished at the wonderful power you have developed, and terrified at the thought that so much hideous and bad music may be put on

If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.

According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could beat up their