The truth is rarely pure, and never simple.

What fools these mortals be.

When the speaker and he to whom he is speaks do not understand, that is metaphysics.

I BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on the same day. Then that night, they burned the wheel.

Chance is perhaps the work of God when He did not want to sign.

Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two points.

Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the villagers gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," said Nasrudin, "I only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the villagers but the stupidest ran off to spr

The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for lists of "Ten Best".

Take what you can use and let the rest go by.

Genius is pain.

Fortune and love befriend the bold.

What we wish, that we readily believe.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.

Every young man should have a hobby: learning how to handle money is the best one.

Events are not affected, they develop.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

I heard a definition of an intellectual, that I thought was very interesting: a man who takes more words than are necessary to tell more than he knows.

The trouble with opportunity is that it always comes disguised as hard work.

For if there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life.

Piece of cake!

... but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women were convicted of witch

The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late and owns the worm farm.

Sensible and responsible women do not want to vote.

There is a secret person undamaged within every individual.

Have the courage to take your own thoughts seriously, for they will shape you.

An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see a great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures. I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment. I have given up everything I was aske

We have nowhere else to go... this is all we have.

Indeed, the first noble truth of Buddhism, usually translated as `all life is suffering,' is more accurately rendered `life is filled with a sense of pervasive unsatisfactoriness.'

Man must shape his tools lest they shape him.

The world is full of people who have never, since childhood, met an open doorway with an open mind.

Suffering alone exists, none who suffer; The deed there is, but no doer thereof; Nirvana is, but no one is seeking it; The Path there is, but none who travel it.

Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think about sex at all... they become lawyers.

Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously; and do not take what happens either to yourself or your work seriously.

Life is the childhood of our immortality.

Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest r

Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather a new wearer of clothes.

The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.

If you catch a man, throw him back.

Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives.

I hate quotations.

Nice guys finish last.

A man who cannot seduce men cannot save them either.

Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.

Chapter 1 The story so far: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

Alas, I am dying beyond my means.

He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him.

Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives.

Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry.

Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away?

All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies.