I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.

Just once I would like to persuade the audience not to wear any article of blue denim. If only they could see themselves in a pair of brown corduroys like mine instead of this awful, boring blue denim. I don't enjoy the sky or sea as much as I used

The superior man understands what is right; the inferior man understands what will sell.

The state of innocence contains the germs of all future sin.

Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity. They seem more afraid of life than death.

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

What a bonanza! An unknown beginner to be directed by Lubitsch, in a script by Wilder and Brackett, and to play with Paramount's two superstars, Gary Cooper and Claudette Colbert, and to be beaten up by both of them!

There is always one thing to remember: writers are always selling somebody out.

Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you will pay only the station-to-station rate.

No evil can happen to a good man.

Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with a valentine.

At ebb tide I wrote a line upon the sand, and gave it all my heart and all my soul. At flood tide I returned to read what I had inscribed and found my ignorance upon the shore.

Chapter 1 The story so far: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

If men are not afraid to die, it is of no avail to threaten them with death. If men live in constant fear of dying, And if breaking the law means a man will be killed, Who will dare to break the law? There is always an official executioner. If

It were not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion that makes horse-races.

My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind.

Life is one long struggle in the dark.

America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up.

Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?

were found to be wearing neckwear that was tighter than their neck circumference. The visual discrimination of the 22 subjects was evaluated using a critical flicker frequency (CFF) test. Results of the CFF test indicated that tight neckwear signifi

Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.

If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish.

Must I hold a candle to my shames?

Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped.

You can fool all the people all of the time if the advertising is right and the budget is big enough.

The only thing that experience teaches us is that experience teaches us nothing.

She ran the gamut of emotions from 'A' to 'B'.

Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at the blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead.

Standards are different for all things, so the standard set by man is by no means the only 'certain' standard. If you mistake what is relative for something certain, you have strayed far from the ultimate truth.

The Poems, all three hundred of them, may be summed up in one of their phrases: "Let our thoughts be correct".

Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake?

What passes for optimism is most often the effect of an intellectual error.

You k'n hide de fier, but w'at you gwine do wid de smoke?

A sad spectacle. If they be inhabited, what a scope for misery and folly. If they be not inhabited, what a waste of space.

Many hands make light work.

The man who runs may fight again.

Maryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on the dance floor. Now everyone's doing it. It's called grand slam dancing.

Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the men are strong, the women are pretty, and the children are above-average.

There are no answers, only cross-references.

Hating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie, unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax.

A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation. It takes an abundance of imagination, to be sure.

... but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women were convicted of witch

The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.

The time spent on any item of the agenda [of a finance committee] will be in inverse proportion to the sum involved.

"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"

Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the villagers gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," said Nasrudin, "I only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the villagers but the stupidest ran off to spr

The Public is merely a multiplied "me."

Adhere to your own act, and congratulate yourself if you have done something strange and extravagant, and broken the monotony of a decorous age.

The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarian tribe now stacking wood at her nubile feet, when the strong clear voice of the poetic and heroic Handsomas roared, 'Flick your Bic, cr