I'm not the person your mother warned you about... her imagination isn't that good.

The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes.

All the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow.

Competitive fury is not always anger. It is the true missionary's courage and zeal in facing the possibility that one's best may not be enough.

Every man is apt to form his notions of things difficult to be apprehended, or less familiar, from their analogy to things which are more familiar. Thus, if a man bred to the seafaring life, and accustomed to think and talk only of matters relating t

Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you.

Saints should always be judged guilty until they are proved innocent.

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I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas. I'm frightened of the old ones.

When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship.

There are no great men, buster. There are only men.

Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.

If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women you've got in the house.

Dare to be naive.

Life is like a 10 speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.

Just close your eyes, tap your heels together three times, and think to yourself, `There's no place like home.'

"Plaese porrf raed."

Better tried by twelve than carried by six.

"If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination."

Practically perfect people never permit sentiment to muddle their thinking.

A dream will always triumph over reality, once it is given the chance.

"Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you."

You're always thinking you're gonna be the one that makes 'em act different.

Before you ask more questions, think about whether you really want to know the answers.

"I may appear to be just sitting here like a bucket of tapioca, but don't let appearances fool you. I'm approaching old age ... at the speed of light."

There's no justice in this world.

Isn't it nice that people who prefer Los Angeles to San Francisco live there?

Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it.

True leadership is the art of changing a group from what it is to what it ought to be.

To accuse others for one's own misfortunes is a sign of want of education. To accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun. To accuse neither oneself nor others shows that one's education is complete.

Life is one long struggle in the dark.

To restore a sense of reality, I think Walt Disney should have a Hardluckland.

I think we're in trouble.

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.

The true way goes over a rope which is not stretched at any great height but just above the ground. It seems more designed to make people stumble than to be walked upon.

Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.

Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.

A woman's a woman until the day she dies, but a man's only a man as long as he can.

Political history is far too criminal a subject to be a fit thing to teach children.

If Christianity was morality, Socrates would be the Saviour.

Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again.

I never cheated an honest man, only rascals. They wanted something for nothing. I gave them nothing for something.

"I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed. Oh, I know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people I don't know yet

Heaven and earth were created all together in the same instant, on October 23rd, 4004 B.C. at nine o'clock in the morning.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.

... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If somebody gets handed a name like "H.

Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original and the part that is original is not good.

It is not enough that I should succeed. Others must fail.

Fess: Well, you must admit there is something innately humorous about a man chasing an invention of his own halfway across the galaxy. Rod: Oh yeah, it's a million yuks, sure. But after all, isn't that the basic difference between robots and human