Just once I would like to persuade the audience not to wear any article of blue denim. If only they could see themselves in a pair of brown corduroys like mine instead of this awful, boring blue denim. I don't enjoy the sky or sea as much as I used

Having nothing, nothing can he lose.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.

The only certainty is that nothing is certain.

The Worst Car Hire Service When David Schwartz left university in 1972, he set up Rent-a-wreck as a joke. Being a natural prankster, he acquired a fleet of beat-up shabby, wreckages waiting for the scrap heap in California. He put on a cap and lo

I stick my neck out for nobody.

The Least Successful Equal Pay Advertisement In 1976 the European Economic Community pointed out to the Irish Government that it had not yet implemented the agreed sex equality legislation. The Dublin Government immediately advertised for an equal

No evil can happen to a good man.

If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end.

Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it.

Briefly stated, the findings are that when presented with an array of data or a sequence of events in which they are instructed to discover an underlying order, subjects show strong tendencies to perceive order and causality in random arrays, to perc

Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.

There's nothing worse for your business than extra Santa Clauses smoking in the men's room.

Why attack God? He may be as miserable as we are.

So you think that money is the root of all evil. Have you ever asked what is the root of money?

Save the Whales

Honesty's the best policy.

It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our offense consists in doubting it.

Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.

There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back the when it begins to rain.

When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all.

Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.

Dear Ann Landers: My husband watches the TV preachers every Sunday. He claims one minister said there are 350 different sins. My husband wants to know if you can get the list. He thinks he is missing something.

What you want, what you're hanging around in the world waiting for, is for something to occur to you.

"You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks."

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

But if you wish at once to do nothing and to be respectable nowdays, the best pretext is to be at work on some profound study.

True leadership is the art of changing a group from what it is to what it ought to be.

Catharsis is something I associate with pornography and crossword puzzles.

If you sell diamonds, you cannot expect to have many customers. But a diamond is a diamond even if there are no customers.

San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.

He knows not how to know who knows not also how to unknow.

Art is Nature speeded up and God slowed down.

Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak!

He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue.

For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say "Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something.

We were so poor we couldn't afford a watchdog. If we heard a noise at night, we'd bark ourselves.

I'll turn over a new leaf.

Ninety percent of everything is crap.

Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best.

The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped marker.

There is always something new out of Africa.

It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim of infanticide.

Whom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods.

Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations Various signs in Poland: Right turn toward immediate outside. Go soothingly in the snow, as there lurk the ski demons. Five o'clock tea at all hours. In a men's washroom in Sidney:

Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else; this is not advice, it is merely custom.

"Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex." (Where there is no police, there is no speed limit.)

Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult.

When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is not far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere.