I have always noticed that whenever a radical takes to Imperialism, he catches it in a very acute form.

Or you or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company.

Scrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the Presidency.

Well, I'm disenchanted too. We're all disenchanted.

"There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him during the trial."

There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an opinion.

You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do.

Ninety percent of everything is crap.

The best you get is an even break.

You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.

A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.

I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of the way and let them have it.

In Pierre Trudeau, Canada has finally produced a Prime Minister worthy of assassination.

Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to examine the laws of heat.

It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely the most important.

Don't take a nickel, just hand them your business card.

Never appeal to a man's "better nature." He may not have one. Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.

If Beethoven's Seventh Symphony is not by some means abridged, it will soon fall into disuse.

Nitwit ideas are for emergencies. You use them when you've got nothing else to try. If they work, they go in the Book. Otherwise you follow the Book, which is largely a collection of nitwit ideas that worked.

"You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they don't."

Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas" until you are told that those rooms are "punched out." Once punched out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such.

The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money completely surrounded by people who want some.

If the ends don't justify the means, then what does?

Alas, I am dying beyond my means.

A good scapegoat is hard to find. A guilty conscience is the mother of invention.

"Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever

Bullwinkle: You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the outfit. General: What does that make YOU? Bullwinkle: What else? An executive.

Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill gives us modern art.

"Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun."

We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves.

The course of true anything never does run smooth.

Yawd [noun, Bostonese]: the campus of Have Id.

"If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination."

The pollution's at that awkward stage. Too thick to navigate and too thin to cultivate.

Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like.

A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper.

Charity begins at home.

The great question that has never been answered and which I have not yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul is: WHAT DOES A WOMAN WANT?

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

"We maintain that the very foundation of our way of life is what we call free enterprise," said Cash McCall, "but when one of our citizens show enough free enterprise to pile up a little of that profit, we do our best to make him feel that he ought t

Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.

To accuse others for one's own misfortunes is a sign of want of education. To accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun. To accuse neither oneself nor others shows that one's education is complete.

Politics and the fate of mankind are formed by men without ideals and without greatness. Those who have greatness within them do not go in for politics.

If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.

You have all the characteristics of a popular politician: a horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner.

Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest men in national government too.

Nonsense and beauty have close connections.

A classic is something that everyone wants to have read and nobody wants to read.

Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.

When, in 1964, New Hampshire Republican Senator Norris Cotton announced his support of Bary Goldwater in his state's primary election, he was questioned as to whether this indicated a change of his hitherto "liberal" political views. "Well," expla