I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two highly trained certified public accountants.

Whatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts.

It is a lesson which all history teaches wise men, to put trust in ideas, and not in circumstances.

There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

The error of youth is to believe that intelligence is a substitute for experience, while the error of age is to believe experience is a substitute for intelligence.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

I am America's child, a spastic slogging on demented limbs drooling I'll trade my PhD for a telephone voice.

If men are not afraid to die, it is of no avail to threaten them with death. If men live in constant fear of dying, And if breaking the law means a man will be killed, Who will dare to break the law? There is always an official executioner. If

Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the men are strong, the women are pretty, and the children are above-average.

Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you.

No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around she deserved.

Music in the soul can be heard by the universe.

Beauty is one of the rare things which does not lead to doubt of God.

A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.

Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you awfully comfortable while you're being miserable.

The whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively.

Another day, another dollar.

Objectivity is to a newspaper what virtue is to a woman.

God gave man two ears and one tongue so that we listen twice as much as we speak.

Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little more time for dreaming.

Satire is what closes Saturday night.

Use an accordion. Go to jail.

It is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. My advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Whom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods.

Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.

Never tell people how to do things. Tell them WHAT to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.

Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images.

The only alliance I would make with the Women's Liberation Movement is in bed.

I always wake up at the crack of ice.

If any man wishes to be humbled and mortified, let him become president of Harvard.

The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist "Jack."

I am a man: nothing human is alien to me.

What an artist dies with me!

Have you ever stopped to think what it would be like to have a woman President? "I can't deal with the Russians today. Not now. I've got my period."

There is a secret person undamaged within every individual.

A woman's a woman until the day she dies, but a man's only a man as long as he can.

There are many of us in this old world of ours who hold that things break about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get about the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summer and the poor get it in the winter.

When in doubt, use brute force.

"Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around, I'd rather lie around. No contest."

By perseverance the snail reached the Ark.

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

Do not seek death; death will find you. But seek the road which makes death a fulfillment.

Brahma said: Well, after hearing ten thousand explanations, a fool is no wiser. But an intelligent man needs only two thousand five hundred.

A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation.

Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all.

Just remember, wherever you go, there you are.

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.