Scratch the average female and you'll find a purring bundle... at the ready to love and honor, bake a torte and still produce quintuplets.

Trifles make perfection, and perfection is no trifle.

Men are superior to women.

It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim of infanticide.

"You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten."

A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.

Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't, don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck.

How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another in the waking state?

To teach is to learn twice.

The possession of a book becomes a substitute for reading it.

It is not enough that I should succeed. Others must fail.

The man-hating woman, like the cold woman, is largely imaginary. She is simply a woman who has done her best to snare a man and has failed.

I'm glad I was not born before tea.

What excuses stand in your way? How can you eliminate them?

Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored.

A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.

Just once I would like to persuade the audience not to wear any article of blue denim. If only they could see themselves in a pair of brown corduroys like mine instead of this awful, boring blue denim. I don't enjoy the sky or sea as much as I used

In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment was expressed by Thomas K. Co

I believe that the moment is near when by a procedure of active paranoiac thought, it will be possible to systematize confusion and contribute to the total discrediting of the world of reality.

"The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain."

When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.

The Worst Car Hire Service When David Schwartz left university in 1972, he set up Rent-a-wreck as a joke. Being a natural prankster, he acquired a fleet of beat-up shabby, wreckages waiting for the scrap heap in California. He put on a cap and lo

Immature poets imitate, mature poets steal.

A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility.

If a man loses his reverence for any part of life, he will lose his reverence for all of life.

"Hey, Sam, how about a loan?" "Whattaya need?" "Oh, about $500." "Whattaya got for collateral?" "Whattaya need?" "How about an eye?"

There has been a little distress selling on the stock exchange.

A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. My advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Why are you doing this to me? Because knowledge is torture, and there must be awareness before there is change.

Three minutes' thought would suffice to find this out; but thought is irksome and three minutes is a long time.

Of all men's miseries, the bitterest is this: to know so much and have control over nothing.

I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.

Mundus vult decipi decipiatur ergo.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

In the long run we are all dead.

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.

"I have to convince you, or at least snow you ..."

No one born with a mouth and a need is "innocent".

To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D.

I'd just as soon kiss a Wookie.

Wait for that wisest of all counselors, Time.

If a guru falls in the forest with no one to hear him, was he really a guru at all?

The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late and owns the worm farm.

Getting into trouble is easy.

What!? Me worry?

If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.

I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man.

Thou hast seen nothing yet.

He that composes himself is wiser than he that composes a book.