... why should you waste a single moment of *your* life seeming to be something you don't want to be? Lord, that's so simple. If you hate your job, quit it. If your friends are tedious, go out and find new friends. You are queer, you lucky fool, a

The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped marker.

I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of the sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for you are loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway.

I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men

"Life is too important to take seriously."

For fools rush in where angels fear to tread.

Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances.

"If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination."

Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.

What a bonanza! An unknown beginner to be directed by Lubitsch, in a script by Wilder and Brackett, and to play with Paramount's two superstars, Gary Cooper and Claudette Colbert, and to be beaten up by both of them!

Genius is pain.

He thought of Musashi, the Sword Saint, standing in his garden more than three hundred years ago. "What is the 'Body of a rock'?" he was asked. In answer, Musashi summoned a pupil of his and bid him kill himself by slashing his abdomen with a knife.

If your happiness depends on what somebody else does, I guess you do have a problem.

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist drivel; Star Trek can turn your brains to puree of bat guano; and the greatest science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll take you all on, one-by-one or all in a bunc

"The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain."

Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at reasonable prices? Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's build a home center. And before long ho

To generalize is to be an idiot.

Moneyliness is next to Godliness.

Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.

One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to represent a creative meeting, and the ratio c

Never buy what you do not want because it is cheap; it will be dear to you.

It is imperative when flying coach that you restrain any tendency toward the vividly imaginative. For although it may momentarily appear to be the case, it is not at all likely that the cabin is entirely inhabited by crying babies smoking inexpensiv

Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books.

They can't stop us... we're on a mission from God!

Anything is possible on paper.

The last vestiges of the old Republic have been swept away.

Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money.

Walking on water wasn't built in a day.

The course of true anything never does run smooth.

There's no justice in this world.

Reality is bad enough, why should I tell the truth?

In every hierarchy the cream rises until it sours.

Go away, I'm all right.

Honesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty.

Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.

Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves.

There are no accidents whatsoever in the universe.

What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence.

Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored.

What we wish, that we readily believe.

If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.

'Scuse me, while I kiss the sky!

"Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him."

Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental Anguish. You would sue: * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions

He that composes himself is wiser than he that composes a book.

Three o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too late or a little too early for anything you want to do.

A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks.