"Here's the holiday schedule for Monday's observation of Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday, when the following will be closed: * Governmental offices * Post offices * Libraries * Schools * Banks * Parts of Palm Beach and the mind of Se

America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room. Every time it wags its tail, it knocks over a chair.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

Why, every one as they like; as the good woman said when she kissed her cow.

A people living under the perpetual menace of war and invasion is very easy to govern. It demands no social reforms. It does not haggle over expenditures on armaments and military equipment. It pays without discussion, it ruins itself, and that is

A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!" "However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."

With her body, woman is more sincere than man; but with her mind she lies. And when she lies, she does not believe herself.

No small art is it to sleep: it is necessary for that purpose to keep awake all day.

The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it.

For a light heart lives long.

You'd best be snoozin', 'cause you don't be gettin' no work done at 5 a.m. anyway.

Whatever occurs from love is always beyond good and evil.

Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.

There's nothing worse for your business than extra Santa Clauses smoking in the men's room.

The first rule of all intelligent tinkering is to keep all the parts.

If built in great numbers, motels will be used for nothing but illegal purposes.

If a man slept by day, he had little time to work. That was a satisfying notion to Escargot.

If the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust, this would be a better world.

The man who runs may fight again.

I recognize terror as the finest emotion and so I will try to terrorize the reader. But if I find that I cannot terrify, I will try to horrify, and if I find that I cannot horrify, I'll go for the gross-out.

A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.

With women, I've got a long bamboo pole with a leather loop on the end of it. I slip the loop around their necks so they can't get away or come too close. Like catching snakes.

War is delightful to those who have had no experience of it.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths good theatre.

An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.

Suicide is the sincerest form of self-criticism.

God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little... The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty [...] I do not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman... not enough to support a man and fiv

There is always one thing to remember: writers are always selling somebody out.

New Jersey is not the armpit of the nation; it's the asshole of the universe.

Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform.

It took a while to surface, but it appears that a long-distance credit card may have saved a U.S. Army unit from heavy casualties during the Grenada military rescue/invasion. Major General David Nichols, Air Force ... said the Army unit was in a hous

Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood.

Robert Kennedy's 1964 Senatorial campaign planners told him that their intention was to present him to the television viewers as a sincere, generous person. "You going to use a double?" asked Kennedy. Thumbing through a promotional pamphlet prep

It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that English is the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many other languages "You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case.

There seems no plan because it is all plan.

This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with great force.

War hath no fury like a non-combatant.

"Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it's just the opposite."

After the ground war began, captured Iraqi soldiers said any of them caught by superiors wearing a white T-shirt would be executed because of the ease with which the shirts could be used as surrender flags. Some Iraqi soldiers carried bleach with th

A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the damned things is ample.

You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day.

A yawn is a silent shout.

Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled.

"The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as we could with both of them."

Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.

Don't go to bed with no price on your head.

The horizon of many people is a circle with a radius of zero. They call this their point of view.

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.

You know it's going to be a long day when you get up, shave and shower, start to get dressed and your shoes are still warm.

I went into the business for the money, and the art grew out of it. If people are disillusioned by that remark, I can't help it. It's the truth.

All bad precedents began as justifiable measures.

If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied harder.

The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.

I do desire we may be better strangers.

God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through.

There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum.

Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more spectacular adventure starring... Tippy, the Wonder Dog!

In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty lashes with the cat or the dog,

Things past redress and now with me past care.

My rackets are run on strictly American lines, and they're going to stay that way.

It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be privileged to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to corrupt the youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles.

The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr.

He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry attacks democracy itself.

Andrea: Unhappy the land that has no heroes. Galileo: No, unhappy the land that _____needs heroes.

Most people have a furious itch to talk about themselves and are restrained only by the disinclination of others to listen. Reserve is an artificial quality that is developed in most of us as the result of innumerable rebuffs.

If Karl, instead of writing a lot about Capital, had made a lot of Capital, it would have been much better.

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.

A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.

I am a friend of the working man, and I would rather be his friend than be one.

This generation doesn't have emotional baggage. We have emotional moving vans.

No matter whether th' constitution follows th' flag or not, th' supreme court follows th' iliction returns.

Never tell people how to do things. Tell them WHAT to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.

If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom; and the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money it values more, it will lose that, too.

I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man.

"It says he made us all to be just like him. So if we're dumb, then god is dumb, and maybe even a little ugly on the side."

Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.

When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is not far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere.

San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.

There is only one word for aid that is genuinely without strings, and that word is blackmail.

Nothing will ever be attempted if all possible objections must be first overcome.

I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the whole field to private industry.

"She said, `I know you ... you cannot sing'. I said, `That's nothing, you should hear me play piano.'"

A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.

Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch" may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used whe

Politics and the fate of mankind are formed by men without ideals and without greatness. Those who have greatness within them do not go in for politics.

Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak!

When the speaker and he to whom he is speaks do not understand, that is metaphysics.

Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a just man is also a prison.

Therefore it is necessary to learn how not to be good, and to use this knowledge and not use it, according to the necessity of the cause.

"World conquerors sometimes become fools, but fools never become world conquerors."

Young men, hear an old man to whom old men hearkened when he was young.

Reality is just a convenient measure of complexity.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

Patch griefs with proverbs.

I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of the sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for you are loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway.

Majorities, of course, start with minorities.

Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for even the greatest fool may ask more the the wisest man can answer.

Kindness is the beginning of cruelty.

Very few people do anything creative after the age of thirty-five. The reason is that very few people do anything creative before the age of thirty-five.

The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds the other fellow of a dull one.

You won't skid if you stay in a rut.

In my experience, if you have to keep the lavatory door shut by extending your left leg, it's modern architecture.

The trouble with this country is that there are too many politicians who believe, with a conviction based on experience, that you can fool all of the people all of the time.

Keep cool, but don't freeze.

Rincewind looked down at him and grinned slowly. It was a wide, manic, and utterly humourless rictus. It was the sort of grin that is normally accompanied by small riverside birds wandering in and out, picking scraps out of the teeth.

Well, he didn't know what to do, so he decided to look at the government, to see what they did, and scale it down and run his life that way.

"If we relied conclusively on scientific data for every one of our findings, I'm afraid all of our work would be inconclusive."

When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all.

He who has the courage to laugh is almost as much a master of the world as he who is ready to die.

Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game - it, and high taxes.

Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read.

"I'm dying," he croaked. "My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted . "You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized. "That's no beagle, it's a mongrel," she muttered. "The fire is going out," he bellowed. "Bad marksmanship," the h

"Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever

Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence.