A is for Apple.

Why, when no honest man will deny in private that every ultimate problem is wrapped in the profoundest mystery, do honest men proclaim in pulpits that unhesitating certainty is the duty of the most foolish and ignorant? Is it not a spectacle to make

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.

"Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it."

"You mean, if you allow the master to be uncivil, to treat you any old way he likes, and to insult your dignity, then he may deem you fit to hear his view of things?" "Quite the contrary. You must defend your integrity, assuming you have integrit

Beggars should be no choosers.

We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it.

The most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage in the country is the one on which you resell it.

Patch griefs with proverbs.

I believe that the moment is near when by a procedure of active paranoiac thought, it will be possible to systematize confusion and contribute to the total discrediting of the world of reality.

Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to examine the laws of heat.

Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind.

In my end is my beginning.

Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.

Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort of like a shell leaving the nut behind.

What on earth would a man do with himself if something did not stand in his way?

I hate quotations.

"You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks."

Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly.

When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.

I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands, one nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for success. You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing

"All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands."

What we wish, that we readily believe.

For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say "Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something.

Words have a longer life than deeds.

The only way I can lose this election is if I'm caught in bed with a dead girl or a live boy.

"The policeman isn't there to create disorder. The policeman is there to ________preserve disorder."

Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength. War is peace.

Never buy what you do not want because it is cheap; it will be dear to you.

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.

The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding.

Go away, I'm all right.

Authors (and perhaps columnists) eventually rise to the top of whatever depths they were once able to plumb.

Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them.

Since a politician never believes what he says, he is surprised when others believe him.

All bad precedents began as justifiable measures.

We may not be able to persuade Hindus that Jesus and not Vishnu should govern their spiritual horizon, nor Moslems that Lord Buddha is at the center of their spiritual universe, nor Hebrews that Mohammed is a major prohpet, nor Christians that Shinto

Too much of everything is just enough.

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

He that is giddy thinks the world turns round.

Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away?

As to Jesus of Nazareth... I think the system of Morals and his Religion, as he left them to us, the best the World ever saw or is likely to see; but I apprehend it has received various corrupting Changes, and I have, with most of the present Dissent

New Jersey is not the armpit of the nation; it's the asshole of the universe.

When in doubt, tell the truth.

It is like saying that for the cause of peace, God and the Devil will have a high-level meeting.

Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be President, but they don't want them to become politicians in the process.

God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.

"When are you BUTTHEADS gonna learn that you can't oppose Gestapo tactics *with* Gestapo tactics?"

A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students.

"What's this? Trix? Aunt! Trix? You? You're after the prize! What is it?" He picked up the box and studied the back. "A glow-in-the-dark squid! Have you got it out of there yet?" He tilted the box, angling the little colored balls of cereal

... before I could come to any conclusion it occurred to me that my speech or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility. What did it matter what anyone knew or ignored? What did it matter who was manager? One gets sometimes s

We must remember that in time of war what is said on the enemy's side of the front is always propaganda and what is said on our side of the front is truth and righteousness, the cause of humanity and a crusade for peace.

When I have one foot in the grave I will tell the truth about women. I shall tell it, jump into my coffin, pull the lid over me, and say, "Do what you like now."

One big pile is better than two little piles.

Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.

I place economy among the first and most important virtues, and public debt as the greatest of dangers to be feared. To preserve our independence, we must not let our rulers load us with perpetual debt. If we run into such debts, we must be taxed i

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

But if you wish at once to do nothing and to be respectable nowdays, the best pretext is to be at work on some profound study.

If your happiness depends on what somebody else does, I guess you do have a problem.

I always had a repulsive need to be something more than human.

If it takes a bloodbath, lets get it over with. No more appeasement.

One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned at the stake while the votes were being counted.

You can have peace. Or you can have freedom. Don't ever count on having both at once.

Once, I read that a man be never stronger than when he truly realizes how weak he is.

No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream. Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness within; it had stood so fo

... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *___did* quote anybody in this business, it probably would be gibberish.

This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it.

Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all.

Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it's out of date.)

Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth *___and* fresher

It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.

Something's rotten in the state of Denmark.

Never promise more than you can perform.

The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them a real tax question, such as how you can cheat,

There is no ox so dumb as the orthodox.

With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time they make a law it's a joke.

"Lemme show ya the odds, Sparky... In yer country, ya got 14 million black people, and 3 million white people. Now, does the name `Custer' mean anything to you?"

It is only by risking our persons from one hour to another that we live at all. And often enough our faith beforehand in an uncertified result is the only thing that makes the result come true.

...He who laughs does not believe in what he laughs at, but neither does he hate it. Therefore, laughing at evil means not preparing oneself to combat it, and laughing at good means denying the power through which good is self-propagating.

Mankind is poised midway between the gods and the beasts.

A dead man cannot bite.

My dear People. My dear Bagginses and Boffins, and my dear Tooks and Brandybucks, and Grubbs, and Chubbs, and Burrowses, and Hornblowers, and Bolgers, Bracegirdles, Goodbodies, Brockhouses and Proudfoots. Also my good Sackville Bagginses that I w

Art is anything you can get away with.

A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper.

What is involved in such [close] relationships is a form of emotional chemistry, so far unexplained by any school of psychiatry I am aware of, that conditions nothing so simple as a choice between the poles of attraction and repulsion. You can meet

Let your conscience be your guide.

If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.

Adhere to your own act, and congratulate yourself if you have done something strange and extravagant, and broken the monotony of a decorous age.

Men of lofty genius when they are doing the least work are most active.

What you see is from outside yourself, and may come, or not, but is beyond your control. But your fear is yours, and yours alone, like your voice, or your fingers, or your memory, and therefore yours to control. If you feel powerless over your fear

The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt.

New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.

Politics, like religion, hold up the torches of matrydom to the reformers of error.

There's no such thing as a free lunch.

A little bit of rape is good for a man's soul.

Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy.

He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know.

I am not a crook.

A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than he could be elected Pope of Rome. Both high posts are reserved for men favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter facts of life in bandages of self-illus

We are giving instruction to FBI agents in the various Chinese dialects ... to handle present and likely future contingencies.

How should they answer?

Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait. [If youth but knew, if old age but could.]

I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men

I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.

The state of innocence contains the germs of all future sin.

If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one.

The ideal voice for radio may be defined as showing no substance, no sex, no owner, and a message of importance for every housewife.

The time was the 19th of May, 1780. The place was Hartford, Connecticut. The day has gone down in New England history as a terrible foretaste of Judgement Day. For at noon the skies turned from blue to grey and by mid-afternoon had blackened over s

It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is?

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

You are absolute plate-glass. I see to the very back of your mind.

My tears stuck in their little ducts, refusing to be jerked.

To do two things at once is to do neither.

The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being as his Father, in the womb of a virgin will be classified with the fable of the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter. But we may hope that the dawn of reason and