If the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust, this would be a better world.

Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses, is in the eye of the beholder.

Yevtushenko has... an ego that can crack crystal at a distance of twenty feet.

The man-hating woman, like the cold woman, is largely imaginary. She is simply a woman who has done her best to snare a man and has failed.

Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamp-post how it feels about dogs.

He who knows others is wise. He who knows himself is enlightened.

Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy.

One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to represent a creative meeting, and the ratio c

This is the first age that's paid much attention to the future, which is a little ironic since we may not have one.

If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him. They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun of it.

A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed.

The state of innocence contains the germs of all future sin.

If Christianity was morality, Socrates would be the Saviour.

Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt. [Confound those who have said our remarks before us.] or [May they perish who have expressed our bright ideas before us.]

It is the business of the future to be dangerous.

A beginning is the time for taking the most delicate care that balances are correct.

There but for the grace of God, goes God.

What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence.

I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock.

I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike.

The only promotion rules I can think of are that a sense of shame is to be avoided at all costs and there is never any reason for a hustler to be less cunning than more virtuous men. Oh yes ... whenever you think you've got something really great, a

Luck can't last a lifetime, unless you die young.

Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation. In an instant, armed troops surroun

Try not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be educational.

Don't go to bed with no price on your head.

"If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far."

Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget.

For courage mounteth with occasion.

The lunatic, the lover, and the poet, Are of imagination all compact...

Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else; this is not advice, it is merely custom.

If we spoke a different language, we would perceive a somewhat different world.

Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.

Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.

In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it.

Monterey... is decidedly the pleasantest and most civilized-looking place in California ... [it] is also a great place for cock-fighting, gambling of all sorts, fandangos, and various kinds of amusements and knavery.

Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education is what you get when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't.

"Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five hundred."

"Do you think there's a God?" "Well, ____SOMEbody's out to get me!"

I am a man: nothing human is alien to me.

Credit ... is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man.

Call on God, but row away from the rocks.

The goys have proven the following theorem...

It doesn't matter whether you win or lose

I knew her before she was a virgin.

Art is either plagiarism or revolution.

Look before you leap.

Once I belonged to a group that really had THE WORD. I fought like hell for them. But another group came along and exposed the word of my group as shallow and degenerate. They had a better word. So I quit the first group and lost all the friends

It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim of infanticide.

Swerve me? The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails, whereon my soul is grooved to run. Over unsounded gorges, through the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly I rush!

Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away?

Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their handbags are full.

Odets, where is thy sting?

Tempt not a desperate man.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animals. Some of their most esteemed inventions have no other apparent purpose, for example, the dinner party of more than two, the epic poem, and the

Wishing without work is like fishing without bait.

Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity. They seem more afraid of life than death.

Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.

For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels, each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall was a gate.

If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it.

With all the talent around, it's sort of amazing that a woman could be up here with us.

A man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles in the road.

For every bloke who makes his mark, there's half a dozen waiting to rub it out.

Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting.

A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it.

Charity begins at home.

In my end is my beginning.

The term "fire" brings up visions of violence and mayhem and the ugly scene of shooting employees who make mistakes. We will now refer to this process as "deleting" an employee (much as a file is deleted from a disk). The employee is simply there o

In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!"

The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate knowledge of its ugly side.

Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they had towels from my house.

The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner.

Art is Nature speeded up and God slowed down.

Ninety percent of everything is crap.

I accept chaos. I am not sure whether it accepts me. I know some people are terrified of the bomb. But then some people are terrified to be seen carrying a modern screen magazine. Experience teaches us that silence terrifies people the most.

In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred thousand miles long ... se

The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time. The terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of consistency.

With women, I've got a long bamboo pole with a leather loop on the end of it. I slip the loop around their necks so they can't get away or come too close. Like catching snakes.

Somehow I reached excess without ever noticing when I was passing through satisfaction.

If it doesn't smell yet, it's pretty fresh.

The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind.

A myth is a religion in which no-one any longer believes.

The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his memos.

It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the r

If men are not afraid to die, it is of no avail to threaten them with death. If men live in constant fear of dying, And if breaking the law means a man will be killed, Who will dare to break the law? There is always an official executioner. If

The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them a real tax question, such as how you can cheat,

Lay on, MacDuff, and curs'd be him who first cries, "Hold, enough!".

Like, if I'm not for me, then fer shure, like who will be? And if, y'know, if I'm not like fer anyone else, then hey, I mean, what am I? And if not now, like I dunno, maybe like when? And if not Who, then I dunno, maybe like the Rolling Stones?

The tree in which the sap is stagnant remains fruitless.

In charity there is no excess.

The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth.

The Almighty in His infinite wisdom did not see fit to create Frenchmen in the image of Englishmen.

Why are you doing this to me? Because knowledge is torture, and there must be awareness before there is change.

Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high, they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.

The superfluous is very necessary.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

Time goes, you say? Ah no! Time stays, *we* go.

The genius of our ruling class is that it has kept a majority of the people from ever questioning the inequity of a system where most people drudge along paying heavy taxes for which they get nothing in return.

Education and religion are two things not regulated by supply and demand. The less of either the people have, the less they want.

Already the spirit of our schooling is permeated with the feeling that every subject, every topic, every fact, every professed truth must be submitted to a certain publicity and impartiality. All proffered samples of learning must go to the same ass

"Jesus saves...but Gretzky gets the rebound!"

As to Jesus of Nazareth... I think the system of Morals and his Religion, as he left them to us, the best the World ever saw or is likely to see; but I apprehend it has received various corrupting Changes, and I have, with most of the present Dissent

The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president? What is it about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television, that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of industrial waste?

Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of government, therefore,

"There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him during the trial."

Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life.

Harp not on that string.

Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

The better the state is established, the fainter is humanity. To make the individual uncomfortable, that is my task.

If you hype something and it succeeds, you're a genius

Leave no stone unturned.

Rotten wood cannot be carved.

A racially integrated community is a chronological term timed from the entrance of the first black family to the exit of the last white family.

Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

Consider well the proportions of things. It is better to be a young June-bug than an old bird of paradise.