God helps them that help themselves.

(1) Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood. (2) If your stomach antagonizes you, pacify it with cool thoughts. (3) Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move. (4) Go very lightly on the vices, such as carrying on in society, as

Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations Sign on a cabin door of a Soviet Black Sea cruise liner: Helpsavering apparata in emergings behold many whistles! Associate the stringing apparata about the bosums and meet behind, flee then t

We should realize that a city is better off with bad laws, so long as they remain fixed, then with good laws that are constantly being altered, that the lack of learning combined with sound common sense is more helpful than the kind of cleverness th

No group of professionals meets except to conspire against the public at large.

You give me space to belong to myself yet without separating me from your own life. May it all turn out to your happiness.

The true Southern watermelon is a boon apart, and not to be mentioned with commoner things. It is chief of the world's luxuries, king by the grace of God over all the fruits of the earth. When one has tasted it, he knows what the angels eat. It wa

The only reward of virtue is virtue.

Why be a man when you can be a success?

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine we own.

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

A man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles in the road.

Naked children have never played in _o_u_r fountains, and I.M. Pei will never be happy on Route 66.

Crime does not pay ... as well as politics.

In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

The trouble with superheros is what to do between phone booths.

What luck for the rulers that men do not think.

Recently deceased blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan "comes to" after his death. He sees Jimi Hendrix sitting next to him, tuning his guitar. "Holy cow," he thinks to himself, "this guy is my idol." Over at the microphone, about to sing, are Jim Mo

Fourteen years in the professor dodge has taught me that one can argue ingeniously on behalf of any theory, applied to any piece of literature. This is rarely harmful, because normally no-one reads such essays.

A sad spectacle. If they be inhabited, what a scope for misery and folly. If they be not inhabited, what a waste of space.

Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered. I myself would say that it had merely been detected.

"Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich."

Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather a new wearer of clothes.

After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon to be created." "This is true," He replied.

I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some kind of loophole.

Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a just man is also a prison.

"I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it."

Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.

Satire is tragedy plus time.

The degree of civilization in a society can be judged by entering its prisons.

Have the courage to take your own thoughts seriously, for they will shape you.

Many of the characters are fools and they are always playing tricks on me and treating me badly.

To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D.

Alea iacta est. [The die is cast]

Our swords shall play the orators for us.

Such evil deeds could religion prompt.

Hell is empty and all the devils are here.

I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.

Likewise, the national appetizer, brine-cured herring with raw onions, wins few friends, Germans excepted.

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.

Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.

For the first time we have a weapon that nobody has used for thirty years. This gives me great hope for the human race.

One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible from one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at least 70 percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts are, of course, simply amazing. God is a

The first requisite for immortality is death.

It follows that any commander in chief who undertakes to carry out a plan which he considers defective is at fault; he must put forth his reasons, insist of the plan being changed, and finally tender his resignation rather than be the instrument of h

Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition.

Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a number. Youre two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and another number.

The two party system ... is a triumph of the dialectic. It showed that two could be one and one could be two and had probably been fabricated by Hegel for the American market on a subcontract from General Dynamics.

Like, if I'm not for me, then fer shure, like who will be? And if, y'know, if I'm not like fer anyone else, then hey, I mean, what am I? And if not now, like I dunno, maybe like when? And if not Who, then I dunno, maybe like the Rolling Stones?

Walking on water wasn't built in a day.

Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.

For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels, each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall was a gate.

The root of all superstition is that men observe when a thing hits, but not when it misses.

If you have seen one city slum you have seen them all.

Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves.

He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry attacks democracy itself.

The whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively.

Some women should be beaten regularly, like gongs.

We're all in this alone.

In my end is my beginning.

Lay on, MacDuff, and curs'd be him who first cries, "Hold, enough!".

If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The "professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on t

The Israelis are the Doberman pinschers of the Middle East. They treat the Arabs like postmen.

There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum.

When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.

A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.

The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine we own.

In the highest society, as well as in the lowest, woman is merely an instrument of pleasure.

It is dangerous for a national candidate to say things that people might remember.

I don't think they are going to give a shit about the Republican Committee trying to bug the Democratic Committee's headquarters.

Better late than never.

Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances.

Any president should have the right to shoot at least two people a year without explanation.

Something's rotten in the state of Denmark.

Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice... moderation in the pursuit of justice is no virtue.

An aphorism is never exactly true; it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths.

They will only cause the lower classes to move about needlessly.

"What's this? Trix? Aunt! Trix? You? You're after the prize! What is it?" He picked up the box and studied the back. "A glow-in-the-dark squid! Have you got it out of there yet?" He tilted the box, angling the little colored balls of cereal

Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home tool sets for under $4?" An excellent question. Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where they

"Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever

You're all clear now, kid. Now blow this thing so we can all go home.

Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time. So long as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental hooks into, there is room for lateral movement. Once this begins, its rate is a matter of discretion.

You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable doubt.

If you cannot convince them, confuse them.

Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground

The Worst Prison Guards The largest number of convicts ever to escape simultaneously from a maximum security prison is 124. This record is held by Alcoente Prison, near Lisbon in Portugal. During the weeks leading up to the escape in July 1978 th

Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women it is merely a good excuse not to play football.

He who fears the unknown may one day flee from his own backside.

I use not only all the brains I have, but all those I can borrow as well.

XI: If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would get twice as much done. If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty times as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all the managers would fly off. XII: I

As Gen. de Gaulle occassionally acknowledges America to be the daughter of Europe, so I am pleased to come to Yale, the daughter of Harvard.

Is uniformity attainable? Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned; yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity. What has been the effect of coercio

If the Nazis had television with satellite technology, we'd all be goose-stepping. Americans are just as suggestible.

Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a muddle of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can make of capitalism.

Just remember, wherever you go, there you are.

Who goeth a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing.

Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it's out of date.)

God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through.

"Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like `Amadeus'? I could have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing."

Life is like a 10 speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. My advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.

The meek shall inherit the earth, but *not* its mineral rights.

I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and I wasn't tempted to buy

The avocation of assessing the failures of better men can be turned into a comfortable livelihood, providing you back it up with a Ph.D.

question = ( to ) ? be : ! be;

I might have gone to West Point, but I was too proud to speak to a congressman.

The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine man in the bonds of Hell.

If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.

Fear is the greatest salesman.

He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him.