"Plaese porrf raed."

I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men

No is no negative in a woman's mouth.

Housework can kill you if done right.

The philosopher's treatment of a question is like the treatment of an illness.

The truth is rarely pure, and never simple.

Lay off the muses, it's a very tough dollar.

A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.

Thou hast seen nothing yet.

"I'm dying," he croaked. "My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted . "You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized. "That's no beagle, it's a mongrel," she muttered. "The fire is going out," he bellowed. "Bad marksmanship," the h

It is only the man whose intellect is clouded by his sexual impulse that could give the name of the fair sex to that undersized, narrow-shouldered, broad-hipped, and short-legged race.

Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest r

The most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage in the country is the one on which you resell it.

Adde parvum parvo manus acervus erit. [Add little to little and there will be a big pile.]

There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself.

I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.

Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you awfully comfortable while you're being miserable.

It shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the municipality.

Life is like a 10 speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.

In my end is my beginning.

Watch your mouth, kid, or you'll find yourself floating home.

If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads.

An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see a great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures. I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment. I have given up everything I was aske

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

At ebb tide I wrote a line upon the sand, and gave it all my heart and all my soul. At flood tide I returned to read what I had inscribed and found my ignorance upon the shore.

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

If you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk. If you wish to be happy for three days, get married. If you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it. If you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish.

"World conquerors sometimes become fools, but fools never become world conquerors."

As failures go, attempting to recall the past is like trying to grasp the meaning of existence. Both make one feel like a baby clutching at a basketball: one's palms keep sliding off.

All is well that ends well.

Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities, requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by tur

There is a good deal of solemn cant about the common interests of capital and labour. As matters stand, their only common interest is that of cutting each other's throat.

If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.

It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters.

I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education.

Let's remind ourselves that last year's fresh idea is today's cliche.

Odets, where is thy sting?

Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest amount of hot air.

If the ends don't justify the means, then what does?

The man who runs may fight again.

There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish.

There's no such thing as a free lunch.

Just because you like my stuff doesn't mean I owe you anything.

Praise the sea; on shore remain.

Innovation is hard to schedule.

Another day, another dollar.

You're all clear now, kid. Now blow this thing so we can all go home.

If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life.

So little time, so little to do.

A highly intelligent man should take a primitive woman. Imagine if on top of everything else, I had a woman who interfered with my work.

If a guru falls in the forest with no one to hear him, was he really a guru at all?

Why be a man when you can be a success?

Rascal, am I? Take THAT!

Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.

The more the merrier.

Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist drivel; Star Trek can turn your brains to puree of bat guano; and the greatest science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll take you all on, one-by-one or all in a bunc

The rights and interests of the laboring man will be protected and cared for not by our labor agitators, but by the Christian men to whom God in his infinite wisdom has given control of property interests of the country, and upon the successful manag

If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.

A sinking ship gathers no moss.

I'd just as soon kiss a Wookie.

While there's life, there's hope.

If what they've been doing hasn't solved the problem, tell them to do something else.

All the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow.

When the ax entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us!"

Great acts are made up of small deeds.

All hope abandon, ye who enter here!

And tomorrow will be like today, only more so.

Home is where the hurt is.

I think... I think it's in my basement... Let me go upstairs and check.

If a shameless woman expects to be defiled and then dies of her fierce love because you do not consent, will chastity also be homicide?

It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim of infanticide.

The sky is blue so we know where to stop mowing.

The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.

Nothing endures but change.

The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go to erase it.

Ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach, Or what's a heaven for ?

To teach is to learn twice.

... before I could come to any conclusion it occurred to me that my speech or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility. What did it matter what anyone knew or ignored? What did it matter who was manager? One gets sometimes s

Illusion is the first of all pleasures.

Immature artists imitate, mature artists steal.

The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine we own.

Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.

Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas" until you are told that those rooms are "punched out." Once punched out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such.

Everything takes longer, costs more, and is less useful.

If it doesn't smell yet, it's pretty fresh.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

Generally speaking, the Way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death.

I have ways of making money that you know nothing of.

A good name lost is seldom regained. When character is gone, all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever.

To restore a sense of reality, I think Walt Disney should have a Hardluckland.

"MOKE DAT YIGARETTE"

Brahma said: Well, after hearing ten thousand explanations, a fool is no wiser. But an intelligent man needs only two thousand five hundred.

Were there no women, men might live like gods.

In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence ... in time every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is incompetent to carry out its duties ... Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their

The road to Hades is easy to travel.

Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.

There's nothing worse for your business than extra Santa Clauses smoking in the men's room.

Those who educate children well are more to be honored than parents, for these only gave life, those the art of living well.

Getting into trouble is easy.

It's always darkest just before the lights go out.

Just remember, wherever you go, there you are.

With women, I've got a long bamboo pole with a leather loop on the end of it. I slip the loop around their necks so they can't get away or come too close. Like catching snakes.

I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs.

Truth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominy of him that brought her birth.

There are no answers, only cross-references.

The chief enemy of creativity is "good" sense

Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think about sex at all... they become lawyers.

All phone calls are obscene.

If men are not afraid to die, it is of no avail to threaten them with death. If men live in constant fear of dying, And if breaking the law means a man will be killed, Who will dare to break the law? There is always an official executioner. If

Let sleeping dogs lie.

Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.

Instead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better.

Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves.

Better tried by twelve than carried by six.