A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies, scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom.

Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather a new wearer of clothes.

Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored.

Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.

Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment.

A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.

She ran the gamut of emotions from 'A' to 'B'.

Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit. [There is no great genius without some touch of madness.]

A dream will always triumph over reality, once it is given the chance.

"Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him."

After the game the king and the pawn go in the same box.

Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to exactly the point of most pressure.

The Least Successful Equal Pay Advertisement In 1976 the European Economic Community pointed out to the Irish Government that it had not yet implemented the agreed sex equality legislation. The Dublin Government immediately advertised for an equal

I: The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin with a silk sow. The same is true of money. II: If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it would probably be twice as good as yesterday was. III: There are

Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.

You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.

We should realize that a city is better off with bad laws, so long as they remain fixed, then with good laws that are constantly being altered, that the lack of learning combined with sound common sense is more helpful than the kind of cleverness th

Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry.

Only those who leisurely approach that which the masses are busy about can be busy about that which the masses take leisurely.

The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for lists of "Ten Best".

Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life.

No two persons ever read the same book.

You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements.

The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be able to correct them.

Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch" may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used whe

If your happiness depends on what somebody else does, I guess you do have a problem.

It is imperative when flying coach that you restrain any tendency toward the vividly imaginative. For although it may momentarily appear to be the case, it is not at all likely that the cabin is entirely inhabited by crying babies smoking inexpensiv

Goals... Plans... they're fantasies, they're part of a dream world...

You are never given a wish without also being given the power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however.

If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.

The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.

Nothing recedes like success.

Haste makes waste.

One man's Mede is another man's Persian.

Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them.

Sorry 'bout that sweat, honey. That's just holy water.

If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to get the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. See in college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving the natural method of teaching what each

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt. [Confound those who have said our remarks before us.] or [May they perish who have expressed our bright ideas before us.]

"Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it."

A woman takes off her claim to respect along with her garments.

There is no fool to the old fool.

Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist drivel; Star Trek can turn your brains to puree of bat guano; and the greatest science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll take you all on, one-by-one or all in a bunc

What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space-launch-style "hold" for two to three hours, durin

You can fool all the people all of the time if the advertising is right and the budget is big enough.

Prizes are for children.

So little time, so little to do.

One big pile is better than two little piles.

A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around she deserved.

Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine.

Here's to women. Would that we could fall into her arms without falling into her hands.

The only "ism" Hollywood believes in is plagiarism.

You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very opposite applies with the judges.

An atom-blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways.

I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said, "What'll you have, Bud"? I said," I don't know, surprise me". So he showed me a nude picture of my wife.

There is no comfort without pain; thus we define salvation through suffering.

Woman is generally so bad that the difference between a good and a bad woman scarcely exists.

A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper.

The faster I go, the behinder I get.

Let your conscience be your guide.

Objectivity is to a newspaper what virtue is to a woman.

Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than being flat broke and having a stomach ache.

I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men

It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do.

God help those who do not help themselves.

If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive!

There's no such thing as an original sin.

Ignorance is never out of style. It was in fashion yesterday, it is the rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow.

"Do you think there's a God?" "Well, ____SOMEbody's out to get me!"

We'll be recording at the Paradise Friday night. Live, on the Death label.

A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.

Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and long were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his pain and his aloneness without regret?

Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.

Who's scruffy-looking?

Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it.

There has been a little distress selling on the stock exchange.

"If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination."

"What was the worst thing you've ever done?" "I won't tell you that, but I'll tell you the worst thing that ever happened to me... the most dreadful thing."

Some people say a front-engine car handles best. Some people say a rear-engine car handles best. I say a rented car handles best.

Yet creeds mean very little, Coth answered the dark god, still speaking almost gently. The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.

You climb to reach the summit, but once there, discover that all roads lead down.

The future is a race between education and catastrophe.

The `loner' may be respected, but he is always resented by his colleagues, for he seems to be passing a critical judgment on them, when he may be simply making a limiting statement about himself.

"If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination."

The trouble with superheros is what to do between phone booths.

There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit at a typewriter and open a vein.

He that teaches himself has a fool for a master.

If the ends don't justify the means, then what does?

I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.

One good turn deserves another.

... before I could come to any conclusion it occurred to me that my speech or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility. What did it matter what anyone knew or ignored? What did it matter who was manager? One gets sometimes s

Life is one long struggle in the dark.

A beginning is the time for taking the most delicate care that balances are correct.

What an author likes to write most is his signature on the back of a cheque.

We have nowhere else to go... this is all we have.

Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled.

Forgive and forget.

The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.

Housework can kill you if done right.

Credit ... is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man.

An aphorism is never exactly true; it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths.

What you don't know won't help you much either.

"Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich."

The term "fire" brings up visions of violence and mayhem and the ugly scene of shooting employees who make mistakes. We will now refer to this process as "deleting" an employee (much as a file is deleted from a disk). The employee is simply there o

If I love you, what business is it of yours?

True to our past we work with an inherited, observed, and accepted vision of personal futility, and of the beauty of the world.

Hard reality has a way of cramping your style.

"There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him during the trial."

Kindness is the beginning of cruelty.

With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time they make a law it's a joke.

"Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *___can* you believe?!"

... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *___did* quote anybody in this business, it probably would be gibberish.