Hating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie, unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax.

To have died once is enough.

It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed.

Let the people think they govern and they will be governed.

I am not a politician and my other habits are also good.

You have to run as fast as you can just to stay where you are. If you want to get anywhere, you'll have to run much faster.

A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies, scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom.

Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods.

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite.

All the waters of the earth are in the armpit of the Great Frog.

Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish.

In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment was expressed by Thomas K. Co

It is better to have loved and lost

Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.

Diplomacy is to do and say, the nastiest thing in the nicest way.

History is nothing but a collection of fables and useless trifles, cluttered up with a mass of unnecessary figures and proper names.

Lookie, lookie, here comes cookie...

It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off the ground.

Historians have now definitely established that Juan Cabrillo, discoverer of California, was not looking for Kansas, thus setting a precedent that continues to this day.

If any demonstrator ever lays down in front of my car, it'll be the last car he ever lays down in front of.

We have art that we do not die of the truth.

I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours. Great song.

"Hey, Sam, how about a loan?" "Whattaya need?" "Oh, about $500." "Whattaya got for collateral?" "Whattaya need?" "How about an eye?"

Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder aloud what the country could do under first-class management.

He thinks the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived.

All bad precedents began as justifiable measures.

Everyone is in the best seat.

The eye is a menace to clear sight, the ear is a menace to subtle hearing, the mind is a menace to wisdom, every organ of the senses is a menace to its own capacity. ... Fuss, the god of the Southern Ocean, and Fret, the god of the Northern Ocean, h

One big pile is better than two little piles.

Among all savage beasts, none is found so harmful as woman.

I would like to electrocute everyone who uses the word 'fair' in connection with income tax policies.

The avocation of assessing the failures of better men can be turned into a comfortable livelihood, providing you back it up with a Ph.D.

Love may laugh at locksmiths, but he has a profound respect for money bags.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

Watch your mouth, kid, or you'll find yourself floating home.

Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.

Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you awfully comfortable while you're being miserable.

If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The "professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on t

He that bringeth a present, findeth the door open.

The reason we need the MX missile system is that the missiles we currently have in the ground are the Minuteman model, which is very old. The Defense Department can't even remember where half of them are. Insects have built nests in them. People hav

Luke, I'm yer father, eh. Come over to the dark side, you hoser.

San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.

If I love you, what business is it of yours?

The genius of our ruling class is that it has kept a majority of the people from ever questioning the inequity of a system where most people drudge along paying heavy taxes for which they get nothing in return.

In the first place, God made idiots; this was for practice; then he made school boards.

The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president? What is it about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television, that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of industrial waste?

Perhaps the remembrance of these things will prove a source of future pleasure.

Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even.

A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around she deserved.

The only thing that experience teaches us is that experience teaches us nothing.

"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company."

"Taxes should hurt. I just mailed my own tax return last night and I am prepared to say `ouch!' as loud as anyone."

When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet deprecate agitation, are men who want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean without the roar of its many waters.

Three things have been difficult to tame: The oceans, fools, and women. We may soon be able to tame the ocean. Fools and women will take a little longer.

When the sun shineth, make hay.

If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one.

Ain't no right way to do a wrong thing.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream. Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness within; it had stood so fo

It is enough to make one sympathize with a tyrant for the determination of his courtiers to deceive him for their own personal ends...

All men know the utility of useful things; but they do not know the utility of futility.

All [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is informing, stimulating and ennobling.

Likewise, the national appetizer, brine-cured herring with raw onions, wins few friends, Germans excepted.

Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of government, therefore,

The term "fire" brings up visions of violence and mayhem and the ugly scene of shooting employees who make mistakes. We will now refer to this process as "deleting" an employee (much as a file is deleted from a disk). The employee is simply there o

If a shameless woman expects to be defiled and then dies of her fierce love because you do not consent, will chastity also be homicide?

He who writes with no misspelled words has prevented a first suspicion on the limits of his scholarship or, in the social world, of his general education and culture.

It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be privileged to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to corrupt the youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles.

There is a good deal of solemn cant about the common interests of capital and labour. As matters stand, their only common interest is that of cutting each other's throat.

In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.

Every country has the government it deserves.

God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.

Tempt not a desperate man.

We can embody the truth, but we cannot know it.

It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely the most important.

I hate dying.

Non-Determinism is not meant to be reasonable.

Just remember, wherever you go, there you are.

I do desire we may be better strangers.

Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.

Serfs up!

Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than being flat broke and having a stomach ache.

"Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western religion, Rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western science."

Believe everything you hear about the world; nothing is too impossibly bad.

The Least Successful Equal Pay Advertisement In 1976 the European Economic Community pointed out to the Irish Government that it had not yet implemented the agreed sex equality legislation. The Dublin Government immediately advertised for an equal

I think any man in business would be foolish to fool around with his secretary. If it's somebody else's secretary, fine.

Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength. War is peace.

The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine we own.

Beggars should be no choosers.

I: The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin with a silk sow. The same is true of money. II: If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it would probably be twice as good as yesterday was. III: There are

Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.

You may my glories and my state dispose, But not my griefs; still am I king of those.

Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich and powerful know that he is.

The universe is made of stories, not of atoms.

Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much better.

Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very opposite applies with the judges.

The Poems, all three hundred of them, may be summed up in one of their phrases: "Let our thoughts be correct".

As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport.

Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know any more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he doesn't know much.

The thought of being President frightens me and I do not think I want the job.

Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business. Cheat.

When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.

"Here's the holiday schedule for Monday's observation of Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday, when the following will be closed: * Governmental offices * Post offices * Libraries * Schools * Banks * Parts of Palm Beach and the mind of Se

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

Catharsis is something I associate with pornography and crossword puzzles.

And ever has it been known that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.

An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God. Some of these eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as possible.

Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.

... before I could come to any conclusion it occurred to me that my speech or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility. What did it matter what anyone knew or ignored? What did it matter who was manager? One gets sometimes s

Many a sober Christian would rather admit that a wafer is God than that God is a cruel and capricious tyrant.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forego their use.