"It's a summons." "What's a summons?" "It means summon's in trouble."

Nonsense and beauty have close connections.

The trouble with opportunity is that it always comes disguised as hard work.

"There is a God, but He drinks"

If the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dream and never be our destiny.

Those who have had no share in the good fortunes of the mighty Often have a share in their misfortunes.

The most common given name in the world is Mohammad; the most common family name in the world is Chang. Can you imagine the enormous number of people in the world named Mohammad Chang?

I accept chaos. I am not sure whether it accepts me. I know some people are terrified of the bomb. But then some people are terrified to be seen carrying a modern screen magazine. Experience teaches us that silence terrifies people the most.

It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure.

Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamp-post how it feels about dogs.

The college graduate is presented with a sheepskin to cover his intellectual nakedness.

Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade, since it consists principally of dealings with men.

... but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women were convicted of witch

... difference of opinion is advantagious in religion. The several sects perform the office of a common censor morum over each other. Is uniformity attainable? Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the introduction of Christianity,

Serfs up!

A highly intelligent man should take a primitive woman. Imagine if on top of everything else, I had a woman who interfered with my work.

What's a cult? It just means not enough people to make a minority.

... but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women were convicted of witch

Harp not on that string.

I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours. Great song.

A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.

Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the villagers gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," said Nasrudin, "I only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the villagers but the stupidest ran off to spr

Sensible and responsible women do not want to vote.

Woman is generally so bad that the difference between a good and a bad woman scarcely exists.

Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it.

None love the bearer of bad news.

It is easy to find fault, if one has that disposition. There was once a man who, not being able to find any other fault with his coal, complained that there were too many prehistoric toads in it.

We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.

It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be privileged to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to corrupt the youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles.

The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped marker.

Everyone is in the best seat.

Man must shape his tools lest they shape him.

"Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school.

[Americans] are a race of convicts and ought to be thankful for anything we allow them short of hanging.

It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely the most important.

Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent and original in your work.

Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.

Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.

"Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *___can* you believe?!"

Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best.

What does education often do? It makes a straight cut ditch of a free meandering brook.

In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment was expressed by Thomas K. Co

Nobody shot me.

We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it.

... before I could come to any conclusion it occurred to me that my speech or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility. What did it matter what anyone knew or ignored? What did it matter who was manager? One gets sometimes s

Honesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty.

United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the Christmas season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of all the military forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of all the patriots of every persuasion. Meanwhil

Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade themselves that they have a better idea.

He that is giddy thinks the world turns round.

"Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like `Amadeus'? I could have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing."

My own life has been spent chronicling the rise and fall of human systems, and I am convinced that we are terribly vulnerable. ... We should be reluctant to turn back upon the frontier of this epoch. Space is indifferent to what we do; it has no fe

Thieves respect property; they merely wish the property to become their property that they may more perfectly respect it.