The first requisite for immortality is death.

Sensible and responsible women do not want to vote.

Mike: "The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?" Bernie: "Nobody ever empties the ashtrays. People are SO inconsiderate."

Term, holidays, term, holidays, till we leave school, and then work, work, work till we die.

You climb to reach the summit, but once there, discover that all roads lead down.

Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations Sign on a cathedral in Spain: It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner if dressed as a man. Above the enterance to a Cairo bar: Unaccompanied ladies not admitted unless with husb

Art is anything you can get away with.

There is no sin but ignorance.

Who goeth a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing.

NEW YORK

Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, but remember, it didn't help the rabbit.

The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money completely surrounded by people who want some.

A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion.

Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with royal-blue chickens.

Business will be either better or worse.

"There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him during the trial."

When you die, you lose a very important part of your life.

Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune.

This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with great force.

"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away".

Exxon's 'Universe of Energy' tends to the peculiar rather than the humorous ... After [an incomprehensible film montage about wind and sun and rain and strip mines and] two or three minutes of mechanical confusion, the seats locomote through a short

Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there.

Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.

Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.

It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that English is the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many other languages "You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case.

Never appeal to a man's "better nature." He may not have one. Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.

Satire is what closes Saturday night.

The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind.

Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse.

The greatest productive force is human selfishness.

The true Southern watermelon is a boon apart, and not to be mentioned with commoner things. It is chief of the world's luxuries, king by the grace of God over all the fruits of the earth. When one has tasted it, he knows what the angels eat. It wa

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.

We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it - and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that is well; but also she will never

Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.

Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves.

General notions are generally wrong.

No house should ever be on any hill or on anything. It should be of the hill, belonging to it.

If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.

The most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage in the country is the one on which you resell it.

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.

The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.

God instructs the heart, not by ideas, but by pains and contradictions.

When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.

The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.

A little bit of rape is good for a man's soul.

There is no fool to the old fool.

Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these.

In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!"

A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.