If you are shooting under 80 you are neglecting your business; over 80 you are neglecting your golf.

Imagine what we can imagine!

America, I'm putting my queer shoulder to the wheel.

What fools these mortals be.

It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the r

We were so poor we couldn't afford a watchdog. If we heard a noise at night, we'd bark ourselves.

Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it.

Don't get mad, get even.

He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know.

Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy.

A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation. It takes an abundance of imagination, to be sure.

Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of government, therefore,

If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.

Look ere ye leap.

Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in.

You get what you pay for.

[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity: (1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a

Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in.

If we don't survive, we don't do anything else.

'Naomi, sex at noon taxes.' I moan. Never odd or even. A man, a plan, a canal, Panama. Madam, I'm Adam. Sit on a potato pan, Otis. Sit on Otis.

Whom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods.

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

Life would be tolerable but for its amusements.

Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.

The tree in which the sap is stagnant remains fruitless.

"Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five hundred."

If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads.

Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life.

He who knows others is wise. He who knows himself is enlightened.

Money doesn't talk, it swears.

A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies, scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom.

I consider a new device or technology to have been culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder.

Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they had towels from my house.

The farther you go, the less you know.

It is bad luck to be superstitious.

I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.

Every man who has reached even his intellectual teens begins to suspect that life is no farce; that it is not genteel comedy even; that it flowers and fructifies on the contrary out of the profoundest tragic depths of the essential death in which its

The Bible says that woman was the last thing God made. Evidently He made her on Saturday night. She reveals his fatigue.

To add insult to injury.

There are many of us in this old world of ours who hold that things break about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get about the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summer and the poor get it in the winter.

I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men

We're all in this alone.

Words have a longer life than deeds.

Life is the childhood of our immortality.

I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some kind of loophole.

There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary as 'unearned income.'

If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism.

The best you get is an even break.

Optimism is the content of small men in high places.

Forgive and forget.

It is annoying to be honest to no purpose.

God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through.