I'd be a poorer man if I'd never seen an eagle fly.

None love the bearer of bad news.

There are people who find it odd to eat four or five Chinese meals in a row; in China, I often remind them, there are a billion or so people who find nothing odd about it.

"Well, it's garish, ugly, and derelicts have used it for a toilet. The rides are dilapidated to the point of being lethal, and could easily maim or kill innocent little children." "Oh, so you don't like it?" "Don't like it? I'm CRAZY for it."

Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she lived with was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always getting pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to the farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd w

XI: If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would get twice as much done. If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty times as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all the managers would fly off. XII: I

The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.

To restore a sense of reality, I think Walt Disney should have a Hardluckland.

There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish.

Whatever is not nailed down is mine. Whatever I can pry up is not nailed down.

There is no proverb that is not true.

If Christianity was morality, Socrates would be the Saviour.

The meek shall inherit the earth, but *not* its mineral rights.

If there really was a Jewish conspiracy to run the world, my rabbi would have let me in on it by now. I contribute enough to the shule.

An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him. "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a mi

Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.

If I had done everything I'm credited with, I'd be speaking to you from a laboratory jar at Harvard.

It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too.

Once I belonged to a group that really had THE WORD. I fought like hell for them. But another group came along and exposed the word of my group as shallow and degenerate. They had a better word. So I quit the first group and lost all the friends

All the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow.