In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it.

We're constantly being bombarded by insulting and humiliating music, which people are making for you the way they make those Wonder Bread products. Just as food can be bad for your system, music can be bad for your spirtual and emotional feelings. I

My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it.

The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.

The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey.

Solipsists of the World... you are already united.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

"We maintain that the very foundation of our way of life is what we call free enterprise," said Cash McCall, "but when one of our citizens show enough free enterprise to pile up a little of that profit, we do our best to make him feel that he ought t

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal.

"Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever

"There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him during the trial."

If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.

Don't get mad, get even.

My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed.

Trifles make perfection, and perfection is no trifle.

Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the villagers gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," said Nasrudin, "I only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the villagers but the stupidest ran off to spr

I: The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin with a silk sow. The same is true of money. II: If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it would probably be twice as good as yesterday was. III: There are

Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.

Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations Sign on a cabin door of a Soviet Black Sea cruise liner: Helpsavering apparata in emergings behold many whistles! Associate the stringing apparata about the bosums and meet behind, flee then t

Where there is much light there is also much shadow.

Live fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway!

There is no proverb that is not true.

Don't go to bed with no price on your head.

Facts, apart from their relationships, are like labels on empty bottles.

There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary as 'unearned income.'

If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.

The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes, respectability and children. Nothing can lift those seven milestones from man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the milestones are lifted.

The coast was clear.

A game can by God repent or we'll punish it. That's how they did it in Salem in the seventeenth century, and that's how we'll do it now.

With women, I've got a long bamboo pole with a leather loop on the end of it. I slip the loop around their necks so they can't get away or come too close. Like catching snakes.

I know not how I came into this, shall I call it a dying life or a living death?

If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.

Nitwit ideas are for emergencies. You use them when you've got nothing else to try. If they work, they go in the Book. Otherwise you follow the Book, which is largely a collection of nitwit ideas that worked.

Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life.

A man's house is his castle.

A witty saying proves nothing.

The streets were dark with something more than night.

If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.

VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot. This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to

Here's to women. Would that we could fall into her arms without falling into her hands.

"I have to convince you, or at least snow you ..."

We rarely find anyone who can say he has lived a happy life, and who, content with his life, can retire from the world like a satisfied guest.

With her body, woman is more sincere than man; but with her mind she lies. And when she lies, she does not believe herself.

We are what we pretend to be.

If you are shooting under 80 you are neglecting your business; over 80 you are neglecting your golf.

A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper.

"...The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!" "Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to feel interested. "No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little vexed. "That's what the name is called. The nam

Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade themselves that they have a better idea.

I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual becoming, with a goal in front and not behin

Hell is empty and all the devils are here.