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"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company."

Ba Dave


Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.

Barry Dave


The Anglo-Saxon conscience does not prevent the Anglo-Saxon from sinning, it merely prevents him from enjoying his sin.

Barry Dave


There's no justice in this world.

Barry Dave


Ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach, Or what's a heaven for ?

Barry Dave


I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.

Barry Dave


Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson Bay, left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. Using a bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and great effort pushing boulders into a single

Barry Dave


Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.

Barry Dave


One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.

Barry Dave


Would that my hand were as swift as my tongue.

Barry Dave


Satire is tragedy plus time.

Barry Dave


"Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *___can* you believe?!"

Barry Dave


There's such a thing as too much point on a pencil.

Barry Dave


Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.

Barry Dave


For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.

Barry Dave


I DON'T THINK I'M ALONE when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.

Barry Dave


Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you will pay only the station-to-station rate.

Barry Dave


You have all the characteristics of a popular politician: a horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner.

Barry Dave


Wagner's music is better than it sounds.

Barry Dave


If I had done everything I'm credited with, I'd be speaking to you from a laboratory jar at Harvard.

Barry Dave


One of your most ancient writers, a historian named Herodotus, tells of a thief who was to be executed. As he was taken away he made a bargain with the king: in one year he would teach the king's favorite horse to sing hymns. The other prisoners wa

Barry Dave


"A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a good many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious scruples and the police."

Barry Dave


Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher. The butcher is weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and weeks. He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists, but he sings about his gin

Barry Dave


If you don't count some of Jehovah's injunctions, there are no humorists in the Bible.

Barry Dave


Political speeches are like steer horns. A point here, a point there, and a lot of bull inbetween.

Barry Dave


What a bonanza! An unknown beginner to be directed by Lubitsch, in a script by Wilder and Brackett, and to play with Paramount's two superstars, Gary Cooper and Claudette Colbert, and to be beaten up by both of them!

Barry Dave


Better the prince of some inferior court, Than second, or less, in beatific light.

Barry Dave


Wait for that wisest of all counselors, Time.

Barry Dave


Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of government, therefore,

Barry Dave


There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary as 'unearned income.'

Barry Dave


Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.

Barry Dave


One hundred women are not worth a single testicle.

Barry Dave


Satire is what closes Saturday night.

Barry Dave


Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.

Barry Dave


Force has no place where there is need of skill.

Barry Dave


Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.

Barry Dave


A is for Apple.

Barry Dave


Perhaps the remembrance of these things will prove a source of future pleasure.

Barry Dave


The Least Successful Equal Pay Advertisement In 1976 the European Economic Community pointed out to the Irish Government that it had not yet implemented the agreed sex equality legislation. The Dublin Government immediately advertised for an equal

Barry Dave


Have you ever stopped to think what it would be like to have a woman President? "I can't deal with the Russians today. Not now. I've got my period."

Barry Dave


Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it.

Barry Dave


Solipsists of the World... you are already united.

Barry Dave


Lay off the muses, it's a very tough dollar.

Barry Dave


The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey.

Barry Dave


"You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive."

Barry Dave


Who does not trust enough will not be trusted.

Barry Dave


By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death.

Barry Dave


Many a sober Christian would rather admit that a wafer is God than that God is a cruel and capricious tyrant.

Barry Dave


Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills.

Barry Dave


You can never do just one thing.

Barry Dave


"Nuclear war would really set back cable."

Dave Barry





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I used to be disgusted, now I find I'm just amused.
Costello Elvis

deep thoughts of brillyant genius of human history
Ba Dave
 
 
 
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