Don't guess

Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.

There's nothing worse for your business than extra Santa Clauses smoking in the men's room.

Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.

Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich and powerful know that he is.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

I am a man: nothing human is alien to me.

What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.

I never cheated an honest man, only rascals. They wanted something for nothing. I gave them nothing for something.

If you know the answer to a question, don't ask.

The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money completely surrounded by people who want some.

"Do you think there's a God?" "Well, ____SOMEbody's out to get me!"

If you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk. If you wish to be happy for three days, get married. If you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it. If you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish.

If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, it might well prolong his life.

Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.

Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement.

If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.

No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.

I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock.

If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.

Events are not affected, they develop.

Wishing without work is like fishing without bait.

I consider a new device or technology to have been culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder.

Sensible and responsible women do not want to vote.

Do not despair of life. You have no doubt force enough to overcome your obstacles. Think of the fox prowling through wood and field in a winter night for something to satisfy his hunger. Notwithstanding cold and hounds and traps, his race survives

You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

Imagine what we can imagine!

Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.

Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.

Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch" may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used whe

He that teaches himself has a fool for a master.

There is no sin but ignorance.

Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.

Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't, don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck.

Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high, they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.

If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.

I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education.

With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time they make a law it's a joke.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

History is nothing but a collection of fables and useless trifles, cluttered up with a mass of unnecessary figures and proper names.

This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly, because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has "deregulated" the airline industry. What t

Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with royal-blue chickens.

If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could work for with a great deal of enjoyment.

Mankind is poised midway between the gods and the beasts.

When in doubt, use brute force.

Remembering is for those who have forgotten.

I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches.

Fortune and love befriend the bold.

Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously; and do not take what happens either to yourself or your work seriously.

Lookie, lookie, here comes cookie...

I just got off the phone with Sonny Barger [President of the Hell's Angels]. He wants me to appear as a character witness for him at his murder trial and said he'd be glad to appear as a character witness on my behalf if I ever needed one. Needless