Why be a man when you can be a success?

A national debt, if it is not excessive, will be to us a national blessing.

What is involved in such [close] relationships is a form of emotional chemistry, so far unexplained by any school of psychiatry I am aware of, that conditions nothing so simple as a choice between the poles of attraction and repulsion. You can meet

"I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path."

Oh wearisome condition of humanity! Born under one law, to another bound.

They use different words for things in America. For instance they say elevator and we say lift. They say drapes and we say curtains. They say president and we say brain damaged git.

Execute every act of thy life as though it were thy last.

Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.

The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that carries any reward.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas. I'm frightened of the old ones.

"We should declare war on North Vietnam. We could pave the whole country and put parking strips on it, and still be home by Christmas."

True leadership is the art of changing a group from what it is to what it ought to be.

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.

When a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight, it concentrates his mind wonderfully.

One of my favorite jokes, a telling commentary on Jewish mothers' capacity to lay on guilt, involves the mother who gave her son two neckties on Chanuka. The boy hurried into his bedroom, ripped off the tie he was wearing, put on one of the ties his

Whatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts.

My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's.

You are absolute plate-glass. I see to the very back of your mind.

An atom-blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways.

I can give you my word, but I know what it's worth and you don't.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock.

Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch" may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used whe

If we suffer tamely a lawless attack upon our liberty, we encourage it, and involve others in our doom.

If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could work for with a great deal of enjoyment.

Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a muddle of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can make of capitalism.

[The French Riviera is] a sunny place for shady people.

All the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow.

You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove.

What on earth would a man do with himself if something did not stand in his way?

Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities, requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by tur

Believe everything you hear about the world; nothing is too impossibly bad.

I am examining you on your fool ideas that no intelligent Christian on earth believes.

A full belly makes a dull brain.

Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult.

The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped marker.

I don't know who my grandfather was; I am much more concerned to know what his grandson will be.

In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment was expressed by Thomas K. Co

Political speeches are like steer horns. A point here, a point there, and a lot of bull inbetween.

He thought of Musashi, the Sword Saint, standing in his garden more than three hundred years ago. "What is the 'Body of a rock'?" he was asked. In answer, Musashi summoned a pupil of his and bid him kill himself by slashing his abdomen with a knife.

L'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare.

The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism are one, and that one is marxism.

What an artist dies with me!

"I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter."

Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away someone else's cash.

If you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk. If you wish to be happy for three days, get married. If you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it. If you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish.

Texas is Hell on woman and horses.

The less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag.

Princeton's taste is sweet like a strawberry tart. Harvard's is a subtle taste, like whiskey, coffee, or tobacco. It may even be a bad habit, for all I know.

Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for even the greatest fool may ask more the the wisest man can answer.