The optimum committee has no members.

If ever the pleasure of one has to be bought by the pain of the other, there better be no trade. A trade by which one gains and the other loses is a fraud.

... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If somebody gets handed a name like "H.

Sometimes, too long is too long.

VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot. This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to

Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.

Do not seek death; death will find you. But seek the road which makes death a fulfillment.

Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.

To have died once is enough.

"There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him during the trial."

Try not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be educational.

Intellect annuls Fate. So far as a man thinks, he is free.

I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some kind of loophole.

If we don't survive, we don't do anything else.

Certainly the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win.

In breeding cattle you need one bull for every twenty-five cows, unless the cows are known sluts.

It seems to me that nearly every woman I know wants a man who knows how to love with authority. Women are simple souls who like simple things, and one of the simplest is one of the simplest to give. ... Our family airedale will come clear across t

Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think about sex at all... they become lawyers.

In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty lashes with the cat or the dog,

Of all men's miseries, the bitterest is this: to know so much and have control over nothing.

With her body, woman is more sincere than man; but with her mind she lies. And when she lies, she does not believe herself.

The salary of the chief executive of the large corporation is not a market award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal gesture by the individual to himself.

My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

Whatever occurs from love is always beyond good and evil.

It's hard to drive at the limit, but it's harder to know where the limits are.

The road to Hades is easy to travel.

A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.

Most general statements are false, including this one.

The real purpose of books is to trap the mind into doing its own thinking.

She was good at playing abstract confusion in the same way a midget is good at being short.

Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend.

Sweet April showers do spring May flowers.

The great question that has never been answered and which I have not yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul is: WHAT DOES A WOMAN WANT?

Rome was not built in one day.

There has been a little distress selling on the stock exchange.

My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed.

When alerted to an intrusion by tinkling glass or otherwise, 1) Calm yourself 2) Identify the intruder 3) If hostile, kill him. Step number 3 is of particular importance. If you leave the guy alive out of misguided softheartedness, he will repay y

Education is what survives when what has been learnt has been forgotten.

To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D.

Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere. Climb the mountain just a little to test it's a mountain. From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain.

Getting into trouble is easy.

With all the talent around, it's sort of amazing that a woman could be up here with us.

Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long.

Some women should be beaten regularly, like gongs.

Aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star.

Nice guys finish last.

The major sin is the sin of being born.

Who's scruffy-looking?

Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse.