Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths good theatre.

A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt.

Brahma said: Well, after hearing ten thousand explanations, a fool is no wiser. But an intelligent man needs only two thousand five hundred.

The avocation of assessing the failures of better men can be turned into a comfortable livelihood, providing you back it up with a Ph.D.

If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, it might well prolong his life.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

Odets, where is thy sting?

The only certainty is that nothing is certain.

My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my family, it seems, begins where yours left off.

The Worst Musical Trio There are few bad musicians who have a chance to give a recital at a famous concert hall while still learning the rudiments of their instrument. This happened about thirty years ago to the son of a Rumanian gentleman who was

Men will fuck mud.

The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because it isn't here.

It is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final.

If you know the answer to a question, don't ask.

I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some kind of loophole.

A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed.

While there's life, there's hope.

Dustin Farnum: Why, yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats! Oliver Herford: Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of it!

NEW YORK

This was the most unkindest cut of all.

History is nothing but a collection of fables and useless trifles, cluttered up with a mass of unnecessary figures and proper names.

You get what you pay for.

The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his memos.

We should realize that a city is better off with bad laws, so long as they remain fixed, then with good laws that are constantly being altered, that the lack of learning combined with sound common sense is more helpful than the kind of cleverness th

We are governed not by armies and police but by ideas.

Remember that there is an outside world to see and enjoy.

One of your most ancient writers, a historian named Herodotus, tells of a thief who was to be executed. As he was taken away he made a bargain with the king: in one year he would teach the king's favorite horse to sing hymns. The other prisoners wa

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.

Faith is under the left nipple.

Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult.

The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.

Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to exactly the point of most pressure.

Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they would. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect that much.

Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life.

Zero Mostel: That's it baby! When you got it, flaunt it! Flaunt it!

"I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?"

Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

After the game the king and the pawn go in the same box.

Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves.

Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.

It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our offense consists in doubting it.

Naked children have never played in _o_u_r fountains, and I.M. Pei will never be happy on Route 66.

Never buy from a rich salesman.

Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two points.

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.

If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.

The world has many unintentionally cruel mechanisms that are not designed for people who walk on their hands.