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Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths good theatre.

Barry Dave


A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator.

Barry Dave


The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

Barry Dave


The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt.

Barry Dave


Brahma said: Well, after hearing ten thousand explanations, a fool is no wiser. But an intelligent man needs only two thousand five hundred.

Barry Dave


The avocation of assessing the failures of better men can be turned into a comfortable livelihood, providing you back it up with a Ph.D.

Barry Dave


If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, it might well prolong his life.

Barry Dave


If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

Barry Dave


Odets, where is thy sting?

Barry Dave


The only certainty is that nothing is certain.

Barry Dave


My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my family, it seems, begins where yours left off.

Barry Dave


The Worst Musical Trio There are few bad musicians who have a chance to give a recital at a famous concert hall while still learning the rudiments of their instrument. This happened about thirty years ago to the son of a Rumanian gentleman who was

Barry Dave


Men will fuck mud.

Barry Dave


The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because it isn't here.

Barry Dave


It is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final.

Barry Dave


If you know the answer to a question, don't ask.

Barry Dave


I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some kind of loophole.

Barry Dave


A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed.

Barry Dave


While there's life, there's hope.

Barry Dave


Dustin Farnum: Why, yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats! Oliver Herford: Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of it!

Barry Dave


NEW YORK

Barry Dave


This was the most unkindest cut of all.

Barry Dave


History is nothing but a collection of fables and useless trifles, cluttered up with a mass of unnecessary figures and proper names.

Barry Dave


You get what you pay for.

Barry Dave


The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his memos.

Barry Dave


We should realize that a city is better off with bad laws, so long as they remain fixed, then with good laws that are constantly being altered, that the lack of learning combined with sound common sense is more helpful than the kind of cleverness th

Barry Dave


We are governed not by armies and police but by ideas.

Barry Dave


Remember that there is an outside world to see and enjoy.

Barry Dave


One of your most ancient writers, a historian named Herodotus, tells of a thief who was to be executed. As he was taken away he made a bargain with the king: in one year he would teach the king's favorite horse to sing hymns. The other prisoners wa

Barry Dave


It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.

Barry Dave


Faith is under the left nipple.

Barry Dave


Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult.

Barry Dave


The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.

Barry Dave


Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to exactly the point of most pressure.

Barry Dave


Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they would. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect that much.

Barry Dave


Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life.

Barry Dave


Zero Mostel: That's it baby! When you got it, flaunt it! Flaunt it!

Barry Dave


"I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?"

Barry Dave


Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.

Barry Dave


If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

Barry Dave


After the game the king and the pawn go in the same box.

Barry Dave


Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves.

Barry Dave


Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.

Barry Dave


It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our offense consists in doubting it.

Barry Dave


Naked children have never played in _o_u_r fountains, and I.M. Pei will never be happy on Route 66.

Barry Dave


Never buy from a rich salesman.

Barry Dave


Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two points.

Barry Dave


A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.

Barry Dave


If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.

Barry Dave


The world has many unintentionally cruel mechanisms that are not designed for people who walk on their hands.

Dave Barry





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"Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *___can* you believe?!"
Bullwinkle J. Moose

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Barry Dave
 
 
 
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