The only way I can lose this election is if I'm caught in bed with a dead girl or a live boy.

What we wish, that we readily believe.

You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form. The short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified", which means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears tax-preparation expert to distinguish betwe

I place economy among the first and most important virtues, and public debt as the greatest of dangers to be feared. To preserve our independence, we must not let our rulers load us with perpetual debt. If we run into such debts, we must be taxed i

Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is liked getting kicked out of the Book-of-the-Month Club.

Yet creeds mean very little, Coth answered the dark god, still speaking almost gently. The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.

Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at the blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead.

I'll turn over a new leaf.

Education is what survives when what has been learnt has been forgotten.

My dear People. My dear Bagginses and Boffins, and my dear Tooks and Brandybucks, and Grubbs, and Chubbs, and Burrowses, and Hornblowers, and Bolgers, Bracegirdles, Goodbodies, Brockhouses and Proudfoots. Also my good Sackville Bagginses that I w

When in doubt, tell the truth.

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.

An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest.

The nearer to the church, the further from God.

I would have promised those terrorists a trip to Disneyland if it would have gotten the hostages released. I thank God they were satisfied with the missiles and we didn't have to go to that extreme.

Arrakis teaches the attitude of the knife - chopping off what's incomplete and saying: "Now it's complete because it's ended here."

The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobb

I am myself plus my circumstance, and if I do not save it, I cannot save myself.

Never take a resume seriously. Resumes only make money for the people who write the resumes. No resume ever tells an employer how many times a job applicant has had the clap. Why, indeed, would anyone hire a person based on a resume written by a

Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of government, therefore,

All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for fun. Money's just the way we keep score.

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it "Christmas" and went to

If I had done everything I'm credited with, I'd be speaking to you from a laboratory jar at Harvard.

What soon grows old? Gratitude.

During almost fifteen centuries the legal establishment of Christianity has been upon trial. What has been its fruits? More or less, in all places, pride and indolence in the clergy; ignorance and servility in the laity,; in both, superstition, bigo

Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.

Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a lot of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke. Hartke is a governor or mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the reason you'll be reading about him is tha

If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell, I'd sell the plantation and go home.

Any president should have the right to shoot at least two people a year without explanation.

In my experience, if you have to keep the lavatory door shut by extending your left leg, it's modern architecture.

... so long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those who wish to tyrranize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent, and will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious and otherwise, to put shackles upon sl

For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.

Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be President, but they don't want them to become politicians in the process.

We tried to close Ohio's borders and ran into a Constitutional problem. There's a provision in the Constitution that says you can't close your borders to interstate commerce, and garbage is a form of interstate commerce.

Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits.

"And Bezel saideth unto Sham: `Sham,' he saideth, `Thou shalt goest unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits, provideth that they are nice and fresh.'"

Never buy from a rich salesman.

VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot. This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to

"World conquerors sometimes become fools, but fools never become world conquerors."

It was the Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline. Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top.

Most general statements are false, including this one.

The great question that has never been answered and which I have not yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul is: WHAT DOES A WOMAN WANT?

Patience is the best remedy for every trouble.

The divinity of Jesus is made a convenient cover for absurdity. Nowhere in the Gospels do we find a precept for Creeds, Confessions, Oaths, Doctrines, and whole carloads of other foolish trumpery that we find in Christianity.

He didn't run for reelection. "Politics brings you into contact with all the people you'd give anything to avoid," he said. "I'm staying home."

Those who do things in a noble spirit of self-sacrifice are to be avoided at all costs.

Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune.

A man is known by the company he organizes.

A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks.