If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.

If we don't survive, we don't do anything else.

It is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final.

I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men

You are never given a wish without also being given the power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however.

"Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong."

Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped.

Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the villagers gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," said Nasrudin, "I only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the villagers but the stupidest ran off to spr

We're fantastically incredibly sorry for all these extremely unreasonable things we did. I can only plead that my simple, barely-sentient friend and myself are underprivileged, deprived and also college students.

A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.

It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the r

You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

"If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination."