When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.

Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their handbags are full.

Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant.

A woman takes off her claim to respect along with her garments.

The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning, and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished.

Love may laugh at locksmiths, but he has a profound respect for money bags.

"Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich."

Sorry 'bout that sweat, honey. That's just holy water.

You cannot see the wood for the trees.

Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.

When the English language gets in my way, I walk over it.

When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.

Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't, don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck.

"You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten."

He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man.

Moneyliness is next to Godliness.

It is ridiculous to call this an industry. This is not. This is rat eat rat, dog eat dog. I'll kill 'em, and I'm going to kill 'em before they kill me. You're talking about the American way of survival of the fittest.

Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it.

A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation. It takes an abundance of imagination, to be sure.

Look ere ye leap.

If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.

He that bringeth a present, findeth the door open.

Human resources are human first, and resources second.