If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish.

If ever the pleasure of one has to be bought by the pain of the other, there better be no trade. A trade by which one gains and the other loses is a fraud.

I consider the day misspent that I am not either charged with a crime, or arrested for one.

The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe.

She hates testicles, thus limiting the men she can admire to Democratic candidates for president.

History is nothing but a collection of fables and useless trifles, cluttered up with a mass of unnecessary figures and proper names.

We could do that, but it would be wrong, that's for sure.

"For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off."