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NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Giuseppe? Everything he says is wrong. GIUSEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says will be right.

Barry Dave


The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey.

Barry Dave


"... all the modern inconveniences ..."

Barry Dave


"Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception."

Barry Dave


If a guru falls in the forest with no one to hear him, was he really a guru at all?

Barry Dave


Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.

Barry Dave


"Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none."

Barry Dave


The clergy successfully preached the doctrines of patience and pusillanimity; the active virtues of society were discouraged; and the last remains of a military spirit were buried in the cloister: a large portion of public and private wealth was cons

Barry Dave


If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly.

Barry Dave


"She said, `I know you ... you cannot sing'. I said, `That's nothing, you should hear me play piano.'"

Barry Dave


Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamp-post how it feels about dogs.

Barry Dave


Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.

Barry Dave


It is annoying to be honest to no purpose.

Barry Dave


You can never do just one thing.

Barry Dave


The means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers, always end up on their ends without any means.

Barry Dave


There is always something new out of Africa.

Barry Dave


What passes for optimism is most often the effect of an intellectual error.

Barry Dave


Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it.

Barry Dave


[Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

Barry Dave


If Christianity was morality, Socrates would be the Saviour.

Barry Dave


"Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong."

Barry Dave


Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.

Barry Dave


When you are in the middle of a story it isn't a story at all, but only a confusion; a dark roaring, a blindness, a wreckage of shattered glass and splintered wood, like a house in a whirlwind, or else a boat crushed by the icebergs or swept over the

Barry Dave


Authors (and perhaps columnists) eventually rise to the top of whatever depths they were once able to plumb.

Barry Dave


If a thing's worth having, it's worth cheating for.

Barry Dave


Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York City. One is "Hey, taxi." Two is, "What train do I take to get to Bloomingdale's?" And three is, "Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound."

Barry Dave


You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for freedom and liberty.

Barry Dave


I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock.

Barry Dave


No is no negative in a woman's mouth.

Barry Dave


He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man.

Barry Dave


The Worst Jury A murder trial at Manitoba in February 1978 was well advanced, when one juror revealed that he was completely deaf and did not have the remotest clue what was happening. The judge, Mr. Justice Solomon, asked him if he had heard any

Barry Dave


"Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in exchange for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday. Mannis feels he must devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might emanate from a recent statement he made compar

Barry Dave


I would have promised those terrorists a trip to Disneyland if it would have gotten the hostages released. I thank God they were satisfied with the missiles and we didn't have to go to that extreme.

Barry Dave


Very few blacks will take up golf until the requirement for plaid pants is dropped.

Barry Dave


Use an accordion. Go to jail.

Barry Dave


Trifles make perfection, and perfection is no trifle.

Barry Dave


One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned at the stake while the votes were being counted.

Barry Dave


If it takes a bloodbath, lets get it over with. No more appeasement.

Barry Dave


When in doubt, have a man come through the door with a gun in his hand.

Barry Dave


Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Barry Dave


Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist drivel; Star Trek can turn your brains to puree of bat guano; and the greatest science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll take you all on, one-by-one or all in a bunc

Barry Dave


Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation. In an instant, armed troops surroun

Barry Dave


Already the spirit of our schooling is permeated with the feeling that every subject, every topic, every fact, every professed truth must be submitted to a certain publicity and impartiality. All proffered samples of learning must go to the same ass

Barry Dave


For thee the wonder-working earth puts forth sweet flowers.

Barry Dave


To add insult to injury.

Barry Dave


Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away someone else's cash.

Barry Dave


When a man assumes a public trust, he should consider himself as public property.

Barry Dave


Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing between the disastrous and the unpalatable.

Barry Dave


Liberals are the first to dump you if you con them or get into trouble. Conservatives are better. They never run out on you.

Barry Dave


My father was a saint, I'm not.

Dave Barry





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We may not be able to persuade Hindus that Jesus and not Vishnu should govern their spiritual horizon, nor Moslems that Lord Buddha is at the center of their spiritual universe, nor Hebrews that Mohammed is a major prohpet, nor Christians that Shinto
Cousins Norman

deep thoughts of brillyant genius of human history
Dave Barry
 
 
 
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