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A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call what he writes fiction.

Barry Dave


It's always darkest just before the lights go out.

Barry Dave


A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator.

Barry Dave


Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

Barry Dave


One good turn deserves another.

Barry Dave


A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.

Barry Dave


Genius is pain.

Barry Dave


I accept chaos. I am not sure whether it accepts me. I know some people are terrified of the bomb. But then some people are terrified to be seen carrying a modern screen magazine. Experience teaches us that silence terrifies people the most.

Barry Dave


I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.

Barry Dave


Patch griefs with proverbs.

Barry Dave


Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you awfully comfortable while you're being miserable.

Barry Dave


Sweet April showers do spring May flowers.

Barry Dave


"What's this? Trix? Aunt! Trix? You? You're after the prize! What is it?" He picked up the box and studied the back. "A glow-in-the-dark squid! Have you got it out of there yet?" He tilted the box, angling the little colored balls of cereal

Barry Dave


There is no comfort without pain; thus we define salvation through suffering.

Barry Dave


The only promotion rules I can think of are that a sense of shame is to be avoided at all costs and there is never any reason for a hustler to be less cunning than more virtuous men. Oh yes ... whenever you think you've got something really great, a

Barry Dave


"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"

Barry Dave


Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Barry Dave


Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.

Barry Dave


A good reputation is more valuable than money.

Barry Dave


Use an accordion. Go to jail.

Barry Dave


I hate dying.

Barry Dave


The more the merrier.

Barry Dave


If we don't survive, we don't do anything else.

Barry Dave


He that teaches himself has a fool for a master.

Barry Dave


Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.

Barry Dave


The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me.

Barry Dave


We rarely find anyone who can say he has lived a happy life, and who, content with his life, can retire from the world like a satisfied guest.

Barry Dave


Never buy from a rich salesman.

Barry Dave


What an artist dies with me!

Barry Dave


[Americans] are a race of convicts and ought to be thankful for anything we allow them short of hanging.

Barry Dave


Some people say a front-engine car handles best. Some people say a rear-engine car handles best. I say a rented car handles best.

Barry Dave


Truth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominy of him that brought her birth.

Barry Dave


Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.

Barry Dave


Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody.

Barry Dave


... a thing called Ethics, whose nature was confusing but if you had it you were a High-Class Realtor and if you hadn't you were a shyster, a piker and a fly-by-night. These virtues awakened Confidence and enabled you to handle Bigger Propositions.

Barry Dave


Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation. In an instant, armed troops surroun

Barry Dave


Must I hold a candle to my shames?

Barry Dave


To do two things at once is to do neither.

Barry Dave


When I first arrived in this country I had only fifteen cents in my pocket and a willingness to compromise.

Barry Dave


This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it.

Barry Dave


Money doesn't talk, it swears.

Barry Dave


Rascal, am I? Take THAT!

Barry Dave


All phone calls are obscene.

Barry Dave


Lookie, lookie, here comes cookie...

Barry Dave


"All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands."

Barry Dave


The notes blatted skyward as they rose over the Canada geese, feathered rumps mooning the day, webbed appendages frantically pedaling unseen bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by cruel Nature's maxim, 'Ya wanna eat, ya gotta work,' and a

Barry Dave


Prizes are for children.

Barry Dave


The Almighty in His infinite wisdom did not see fit to create Frenchmen in the image of Englishmen.

Barry Dave


Or you or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company.

Barry Dave


When I reflect upon the number of disagreeable people who I know who have gone to a better world, I am moved to lead a different life.

Dave Barry





Random Quote


Three o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too late or a little too early for anything you want to do.
Sartre Jean-Paul

deep thoughts of brillyant genius of human history
Dave Barry
 
 
 
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