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After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon to be created." "This is true," He replied.

Barry Dave


A new taste had been acquired and a new appetite began to grow. The time had long since arrived to crush the technical intelligentsia, which had come to regard itself as too irreplaceable and had not gotten used to catching instructions on the wing.

Barry Dave


The state of innocence contains the germs of all future sin.

Barry Dave


The very first essential for success is a perpetually constant and regular employment of violence.

Barry Dave


Zero Mostel: That's it baby! When you got it, flaunt it! Flaunt it!

Barry Dave


In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus, "one when he was a boy and one when he was a man."

Barry Dave


I would have made a good pope.

Barry Dave


All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by the government in less than a second.

Barry Dave


The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

Barry Dave


It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a sentence to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate in all times and situations. They presented him the words: "And this, too, shall pass away."

Barry Dave


A dream will always triumph over reality, once it is given the chance.

Barry Dave


It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased.

Barry Dave


The horizon of many people is a circle with a radius of zero. They call this their point of view.

Barry Dave


You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

Barry Dave


Who's scruffy-looking?

Barry Dave


Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best.

Barry Dave


An efficient and a successful administration manifests itself equally in small as in great matters.

Barry Dave


The only promotion rules I can think of are that a sense of shame is to be avoided at all costs and there is never any reason for a hustler to be less cunning than more virtuous men. Oh yes ... whenever you think you've got something really great, a

Barry Dave


Veni, vidi, vici. [I came, I saw, I conquered].

Barry Dave


Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. By Order of the Author

Barry Dave


Small things make base men proud.

Barry Dave


When the President does it, that means it is not illegal.

Barry Dave


Thank God I've always avoided persecuting my enemies.

Barry Dave


If there is no wind, row.

Barry Dave


We all live in a state of ambitious poverty.

Barry Dave


No is no negative in a woman's mouth.

Barry Dave


An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see a great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures. I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment. I have given up everything I was aske

Barry Dave


Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases.

Barry Dave


"I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the nominating."

Barry Dave


Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to exactly the point of most pressure.

Barry Dave


If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.

Barry Dave


"Necessity is the mother of invention" is a silly proverb. "Necessity is the mother of futile dodges" is much nearer the truth.

Barry Dave


Superstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy have ample wages, but truth goes a-begging.

Barry Dave


Go away, I'm all right.

Barry Dave


The greatest productive force is human selfishness.

Barry Dave


Our business in life is not to succeed but to continue to fail in high spirits.

Barry Dave


Under every stone lurks a politician.

Barry Dave


If you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk. If you wish to be happy for three days, get married. If you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it. If you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish.

Barry Dave


"There is no Father Christmas. It's just a marketing ploy to make low income parents' lives a misery." "... I want you to picture the trusting face of a child, streaked with tears because of what you just said." "I want you to picture the face of

Barry Dave


Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamp-post how it feels about dogs.

Barry Dave


Diplomacy is the art of letting the other party have things your way.

Barry Dave


I've got a very bad feeling about this.

Barry Dave


I ain't got no quarrel with them Viet Congs.

Barry Dave


An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him. "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a mi

Barry Dave


If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.

Barry Dave


We are giving instruction to FBI agents in the various Chinese dialects ... to handle present and likely future contingencies.

Barry Dave


Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.

Barry Dave


All men know the utility of useful things; but they do not know the utility of futility.

Barry Dave


There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter.

Barry Dave


One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible from one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at least 70 percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts are, of course, simply amazing. God is a

Dave Barry





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Its name is Public Opinion. It is held in reverence. It settles everything. Some think it is the voice of God.
Twain Mark

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Dave Barry
 
 
 
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