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If I love you, what business is it of yours?

Barry Dave


In my experience, if you have to keep the lavatory door shut by extending your left leg, it's modern architecture.

Barry Dave


The only reward of virtue is virtue.

Barry Dave


A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.

Barry Dave


Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths good theatre.

Barry Dave


I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.

Barry Dave


It looks like it's up to me to save our skins. Get into that garbage chute, flyboy!

Barry Dave


To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D.

Barry Dave


Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses, is in the eye of the beholder.

Barry Dave


Everything is possible. Pass the word.

Barry Dave


It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the r

Barry Dave


Forgive and forget.

Barry Dave


Many hands make light work.

Barry Dave


Briefly stated, the findings are that when presented with an array of data or a sequence of events in which they are instructed to discover an underlying order, subjects show strong tendencies to perceive order and causality in random arrays, to perc

Barry Dave


Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.

Barry Dave


Too much of everything is just enough.

Barry Dave


Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than being flat broke and having a stomach ache.

Barry Dave


Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to?

Barry Dave


I think we're in trouble.

Barry Dave


Non-Determinism is not meant to be reasonable.

Barry Dave


My tears stuck in their little ducts, refusing to be jerked.

Barry Dave


Just because you like my stuff doesn't mean I owe you anything.

Barry Dave


According to my best recollection, I don't remember.

Barry Dave


If you are shooting under 80 you are neglecting your business; over 80 you are neglecting your golf.

Barry Dave


If what they've been doing hasn't solved the problem, tell them to do something else.

Barry Dave


I remember once being on a station platform in Cleveland at four in the morning. A black porter was carrying my bags, and as we were waiting for the train to come in, he said to me: "Excuse me, Mr. Cooke, I don't want to invade your privacy, but I h

Barry Dave


Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it!

Barry Dave


A prediction is worth twenty explanations.

Barry Dave


You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.

Barry Dave


I paid a visit to my local precinct in Greenwich Village and asked a sergeant to show me some rape statistics. He politely obliged. That month there had been thirty-five rape complaints, an advance of ten over the same month for the previous year.

Barry Dave


... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *___did* quote anybody in this business, it probably would be gibberish.

Barry Dave


Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.

Barry Dave


"Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school.

Barry Dave


I am a deeply superficial person.

Barry Dave


Like ya know? Rock 'N Roll is an esoteric language that unlocks the creativity chambers in people's brains, and like totally activates their essential hipness, which of course is like totally necessary for saving the earth, like because the first th

Barry Dave


Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.

Barry Dave


He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace.

Barry Dave


Nothing recedes like success.

Barry Dave


Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously; and do not take what happens either to yourself or your work seriously.

Barry Dave


Love the sea? I dote upon it

Barry Dave


Just once I would like to persuade the audience not to wear any article of blue denim. If only they could see themselves in a pair of brown corduroys like mine instead of this awful, boring blue denim. I don't enjoy the sky or sea as much as I used

Barry Dave


The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist knows it.

Barry Dave


If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.

Barry Dave


The farther you go, the less you know.

Barry Dave


The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

Barry Dave


Have the courage to take your own thoughts seriously, for they will shape you.

Barry Dave


Men of lofty genius when they are doing the least work are most active.

Barry Dave


Generally speaking, the Way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death.

Barry Dave


Nothing succeeds like success.

Barry Dave


Do not use that foreign word "ideals". We have that excellent native word "lies".

Dave Barry





Random Quote


The Almighty in His infinite wisdom did not see fit to create Frenchmen in the image of Englishmen.
Winston

deep thoughts of brillyant genius of human history
Dave Barry
 
 
 
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