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You guys have been practicing discrimination for years. Now it's our turn.

Barry Dave


question = ( to ) ? be : ! be;

Barry Dave


Truth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominy of him that brought her birth.

Barry Dave


Dear Ann Landers: My husband watches the TV preachers every Sunday. He claims one minister said there are 350 different sins. My husband wants to know if you can get the list. He thinks he is missing something.

Barry Dave


Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.

Barry Dave


There seems no plan because it is all plan.

Barry Dave


"The Army is a place where you get up early in the morning to be yelled at by people with short haircuts and tiny brains."

Barry Dave


Many a long dispute between divines may thus be abridged: It is so. It is not so. It is so. It is not so.

Barry Dave


Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental Anguish. You would sue: * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions

Barry Dave


War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military.

Barry Dave


Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.

Barry Dave


Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief.

Barry Dave


I have just enough white in me to make my honesty questionable.

Barry Dave


It were not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion that makes horse-races.

Barry Dave


Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away someone else's cash.

Barry Dave


The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.

Barry Dave


"Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him."

Barry Dave


Lo! Men have become the tool of their tools.

Barry Dave


In my experience, if you have to keep the lavatory door shut by extending your left leg, it's modern architecture.

Barry Dave


Ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach, Or what's a heaven for ?

Barry Dave


By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death.

Barry Dave


The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt.

Barry Dave


Ben, why didn't you tell me?

Barry Dave


If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end.

Barry Dave


Watch your mouth, kid, or you'll find yourself floating home.

Barry Dave


Living in New York City gives people real incentives to want things that nobody else wants.

Barry Dave


The world wants to be deceived.

Barry Dave


They sentenced me to twenty years of boredom for trying to change the system from within. I'm coming now I'm coming to reward them. First we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin. I'm guided by a signal in the heavens. I'm guided by this birthmark

Barry Dave


Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.

Barry Dave


The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be able to correct them.

Barry Dave


In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

Barry Dave


We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once.

Barry Dave


Immature poets imitate, mature poets steal.

Barry Dave


Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it.

Barry Dave


There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

Barry Dave


By the middle 1880's, practically all the roads except those in the South, were of the present standard gauge. The southern roads were still five feet between rails. It was decided to change the gauge of all southern roads to standard, in one day

Barry Dave


I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men

Barry Dave


The Russians have put a small ball up in the air. That does not raise my apprehensions one iota.

Barry Dave


Exxon's 'Universe of Energy' tends to the peculiar rather than the humorous ... After [an incomprehensible film montage about wind and sun and rain and strip mines and] two or three minutes of mechanical confusion, the seats locomote through a short

Barry Dave


When, in 1964, New Hampshire Republican Senator Norris Cotton announced his support of Bary Goldwater in his state's primary election, he was questioned as to whether this indicated a change of his hitherto "liberal" political views. "Well," expla

Barry Dave


Not to laugh, not to lament, not to curse, but to understand.

Barry Dave


Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.

Barry Dave


[Americans] are a race of convicts and ought to be thankful for anything we allow them short of hanging.

Barry Dave


If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, it might well prolong his life.

Barry Dave


We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it - and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that is well; but also she will never

Barry Dave


Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them seemed to come from Texas.

Barry Dave


God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little... The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty [...] I do not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman... not enough to support a man and fiv

Barry Dave


Nonsense and beauty have close connections.

Barry Dave


Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the villagers gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," said Nasrudin, "I only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the villagers but the stupidest ran off to spr

Barry Dave


Has the great art and mystery of politics no apparent utility? Does it appear to be unqualifiedly ratty, raffish, sordid, obscene and low down, and its salient virtuosi a gang of umitigated scoundrels? Then let us not forget its high capacity to soo

Dave Barry





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My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's.
Wilde Oscar

deep thoughts of brillyant genius of human history
Dave Barry
 
 
 
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