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If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

Barry Dave


Mum's the word.

Barry Dave


A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth.

Barry Dave


If you would know the value of money, go try to borrow some.

Barry Dave


When I hear a man applauded by the mob I always feel a pang of pity for him. All he has to do to be hissed is to live long enough.

Barry Dave


Life is one long struggle in the dark.

Barry Dave


"Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception."

Barry Dave


Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for even the greatest fool may ask more the the wisest man can answer.

Barry Dave


American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference between the men's room and the women's room with

Barry Dave


Ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach, Or what's a heaven for ?

Barry Dave


Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven't the remotest knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die.

Barry Dave


You guys have been practicing discrimination for years. Now it's our turn.

Barry Dave


A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

Barry Dave


Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big enough majority in any town?

Barry Dave


If your happiness depends on what somebody else does, I guess you do have a problem.

Barry Dave


In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.

Barry Dave


If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is doing the thinking.

Barry Dave


A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper.

Barry Dave


There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

Barry Dave


How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another in the waking state?

Barry Dave


The most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage in the country is the one on which you resell it.

Barry Dave


Watch your mouth, kid, or you'll find yourself floating home.

Barry Dave


Go away, I'm all right.

Barry Dave


Only the hypocrite is really rotten to the core.

Barry Dave


Very few things happen at the right time, and the rest do not happen at all. The conscientious historian will correct these defects.

Barry Dave


It is a lesson which all history teaches wise men, to put trust in ideas, and not in circumstances.

Barry Dave


"Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun."

Barry Dave


I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas. I'm frightened of the old ones.

Barry Dave


I am America's child, a spastic slogging on demented limbs drooling I'll trade my PhD for a telephone voice.

Barry Dave


Men will fuck mud.

Barry Dave


He liked fishing a little too much, and he believed that work was something a man did when he had to. He had always been able to get along well enough without it, especially for the last couple of years.

Barry Dave


I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of the way and let them have it.

Barry Dave


Look, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters, con-men. That's the way businesses get started. That's the way this country was built.

Barry Dave


Eighteen goddess-like daughters are not equal to one son with a hump.

Barry Dave


If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.

Barry Dave


I would have promised those terrorists a trip to Disneyland if it would have gotten the hostages released. I thank God they were satisfied with the missiles and we didn't have to go to that extreme.

Barry Dave


My band career ended late in my senior year when John Cooper and I threw my amplifier out the dormitory window. We did not act in haste. First we checked to make sure the amplifier would fit through the frame, using the belt from my bathrobe to meas

Barry Dave


What does it take for Americans to do great things; to go to the moon, to win wars, to dig canals linking oceans, to build railroads across a continent? In independent thought about this question, Neil Armstrong and I concluded that it takes a coinci

Barry Dave


Why my thoughts are my own, when they are in, but when they are out they are another's.

Barry Dave


The Least Perceptive Literary Critic The most important critic in our field of study is Lord Halifax. A most individual judge of poetry, he once invited Alexander Pope round to give a public reading of his latest poem. Pope, the leading poet of h

Barry Dave


Don't guess

Barry Dave


The means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers, always end up on their ends without any means.

Barry Dave


To lead people, you must follow behind.

Barry Dave


Don't vote

Barry Dave


"Listen to what I say, not what I mean. I mean ...."

Barry Dave


In charity there is no excess.

Barry Dave


A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)

Barry Dave


It's from Casablanca. I've been waiting all my life to use that line.

Barry Dave


The fashion wears out more apparel than the man.

Barry Dave


The Angels want to wear my red shoes.

Dave Barry





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If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.
Wicker Tom

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Dave Barry
 
 
 
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