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The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds the other fellow of a dull one.

Barry Dave


... before I could come to any conclusion it occurred to me that my speech or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility. What did it matter what anyone knew or ignored? What did it matter who was manager? One gets sometimes s

Barry Dave


Delay not, Caesar. Read it instantly.

Barry Dave


A sect or party is an elegant incognito devised to save a man from the vexation of thinking.

Barry Dave


With reasonable men I will reason; with humane men I will plead; but to tyrants I will give no quarter.

Barry Dave


When alerted to an intrusion by tinkling glass or otherwise, 1) Calm yourself 2) Identify the intruder 3) If hostile, kill him. Step number 3 is of particular importance. If you leave the guy alive out of misguided softheartedness, he will repay y

Barry Dave


Think sideways!

Barry Dave


The conservation movement is a breeding ground of Communists and other subversives. We intend to clean them out, even if it means rounding up every bird watcher in the country.

Barry Dave


Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they had towels from my house.

Barry Dave


The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them; that's the essence of inhumanity.

Barry Dave


There is no delight the equal of dread. As long as it is somebody else's.

Barry Dave


There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Barry Dave


What is the robbing of a bank compared to the founding of a bank?

Barry Dave


Eighteen goddess-like daughters are not equal to one son with a hump.

Barry Dave


The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

Barry Dave


Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again.

Barry Dave


A game can by God repent or we'll punish it. That's how they did it in Salem in the seventeenth century, and that's how we'll do it now.

Barry Dave


When you're in command, command.

Barry Dave


Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock.

Barry Dave


We are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one.

Barry Dave


I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law.

Barry Dave


Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget.

Barry Dave


Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and not tried.

Barry Dave


Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.

Barry Dave


You tread upon my patience.

Barry Dave


Do you know, I think that Dr. Swift was silly to laugh about Laputa. I believe it is a mistake to make a mock of people, just because they think. There are ninety thousand people in this world who do not think, for every one who does, and these peop

Barry Dave


To lead people, you must follow behind.

Barry Dave


Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.

Barry Dave


I'd be a poorer man if I'd never seen an eagle fly.

Barry Dave


Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.

Barry Dave


We only acknowledge small faults in order to make it appear that we are free from great ones.

Barry Dave


Fear is the greatest salesman.

Barry Dave


In my end is my beginning.

Barry Dave


A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.

Barry Dave


Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.

Barry Dave


Sweet April showers do spring May flowers.

Barry Dave


The last vestiges of the old Republic have been swept away.

Barry Dave


I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I tell them the truth and they never believe me.

Barry Dave


I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands, one nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

Barry Dave


Rembrandt is not to be compared in the painting of character with our extraordinarily gifted English artist, Mr. Rippingille.

Barry Dave


Patience is a minor form of despair, disguised as virtue.

Barry Dave


"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company."

Barry Dave


If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.

Barry Dave


It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community a better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to treat your own family with loving un

Barry Dave


Just because I turn down a contract on a guy doesn't mean he isn't going to get hit.

Barry Dave


An office party is not, as is sometimes supposed the Managing Director's chance to kiss the tea-girl. It is the tea-girl's chance to kiss the Managing Director (however bizarre an ambition this may seem to anyone who has seen the Managing Director f

Barry Dave


In regards to Oral Roberts' claim that God told him that he would die unless he received $20 million by March, God's lawyers have stated that their client has not spoken with Roberts for several years. Off the record, God has stated that "If I had w

Barry Dave


We must remember that in time of war what is said on the enemy's side of the front is always propaganda and what is said on our side of the front is truth and righteousness, the cause of humanity and a crusade for peace.

Barry Dave


Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief.

Barry Dave


A prediction is worth twenty explanations.

Dave Barry





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"The jig's up, Elman." "Which jig?"
Elman Jeff

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