"Are you police officers?" "No, ma'am. We're musicians."

The doctrine of human equality reposes on this: that there is no man really clever who has not found that he is stupid.

A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities, requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by tur

Men ought to know that from the brain and from the brain only arise our pleasures, joys, laughter, and jests as well as our sorrows, pains, griefs and tears. ... It is the same thing which makes us mad or delirious, inspires us with dread and fear,

There is nothing more silly than a silly laugh.

A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk.

The last vestiges of the old Republic have been swept away.

The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe.

I do not know myself and God forbid that I should.

If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.

"I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the nominating."

October 12, the Discovery. It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.

When I came back to Dublin I was courtmartialed in my absence and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.