A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the damned things is ample.

America, how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood?

Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves.

To lead people, you must follow behind.

The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.

Believe everything you hear about the world; nothing is too impossibly bad.

Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

The time spent on any item of the agenda [of a finance committee] will be in inverse proportion to the sum involved.

You're all clear now, kid. Now blow this thing so we can all go home.

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat. It is not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery.

I have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per cent an idiot.

... but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women were convicted of witch

There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.

If we can ever make red tape nutritional, we can feed the world.