The problem that we thought was a problem was, indeed, a problem, but not the problem we thought was the problem.

Anything that is worth doing has been done frequently. Things hitherto undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth.

A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed.

I have gained this by philosophy: that I do without being commanded what others do only from fear of the law.

Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.

I never deny, I never contradict. I sometimes forget.

Generally speaking, the Way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death.

Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.

Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamp-post how it feels about dogs.

I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and I wasn't tempted to buy

When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.

In breeding cattle you need one bull for every twenty-five cows, unless the cows are known sluts.

A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time of trouble.