In the highest society, as well as in the lowest, woman is merely an instrument of pleasure.

It is easy to find fault, if one has that disposition. There was once a man who, not being able to find any other fault with his coal, complained that there were too many prehistoric toads in it.

The two party system ... is a triumph of the dialectic. It showed that two could be one and one could be two and had probably been fabricated by Hegel for the American market on a subcontract from General Dynamics.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

I'd be a poorer man if I'd never seen an eagle fly.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

A good scapegoat is hard to find. A guilty conscience is the mother of invention.

Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of government, therefore,

There is no fool to the old fool.

Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and not tried.

What a strange game. The only winning move is not to play.

The two oldest professions in the world have been ruined by amateurs.

You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove.

"You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive."

A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed.

Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.

Well begun is half done.

There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true.

When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary.

Chapter 1 The story so far: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

Swerve me? The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails, whereon my soul is grooved to run. Over unsounded gorges, through the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly I rush!

Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high, they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.

The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish to be addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified. But it is equally important to accept and tolerate different standards of courtesy, not expecting everyone else to ad

Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental Anguish. You would sue: * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions

When I came back to Dublin I was courtmartialed in my absence and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.