"I'm dying," he croaked. "My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted . "You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized. "That's no beagle, it's a mongrel," she muttered. "The fire is going out," he bellowed. "Bad marksmanship," the h

Ain't no right way to do a wrong thing.

[Americans] are a race of convicts and ought to be thankful for anything we allow them short of hanging.

A drama critic is a person who surprises a playwright by informing him what he meant.

In my experience, if you have to keep the lavatory door shut by extending your left leg, it's modern architecture.

At ebb tide I wrote a line upon the sand, and gave it all my heart and all my soul. At flood tide I returned to read what I had inscribed and found my ignorance upon the shore.

Beggars should be no choosers.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

Age before beauty; and pearls before swine.

Where do I find the time for not reading so many books?

If it doesn't smell yet, it's pretty fresh.

Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.

To do two things at once is to do neither.

If we spoke a different language, we would perceive a somewhat different world.

I believe that the moment is near when by a procedure of active paranoiac thought, it will be possible to systematize confusion and contribute to the total discrediting of the world of reality.

Words have a longer life than deeds.

You can't run away forever, But there's nothing wrong with getting a good head start.

Si Dieu n'existait pas, il faudrait l'inventer. [If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.]

When in doubt, use brute force.

Usually, when a lot of men get together, it's called a war.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?