Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying.

Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice... moderation in the pursuit of justice is no virtue.

She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.

Lookie, lookie, here comes cookie...

A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator.

Nice guys finish last.

I have gained this by philosophy: that I do without being commanded what others do only from fear of the law.

I never cheated an honest man, only rascals. They wanted something for nothing. I gave them nothing for something.

If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.

Is uniformity attainable? Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned; yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity. What has been the effect of coercio

In the plot, people came to the land; the land loved them; they worked and struggled and had lots of children. There was a Frenchman who talked funny and a greenhorn from England who was a fancy-pants but when it came to the crunch he was all courag

Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait. [If youth but knew, if old age but could.]

I remember once being on a station platform in Cleveland at four in the morning. A black porter was carrying my bags, and as we were waiting for the train to come in, he said to me: "Excuse me, Mr. Cooke, I don't want to invade your privacy, but I h

She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.

Credit ... is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man.

Having nothing, nothing can he lose.

The philosopher's treatment of a question is like the treatment of an illness.

Immature artists imitate, mature artists steal.

Every man who has reached even his intellectual teens begins to suspect that life is no farce; that it is not genteel comedy even; that it flowers and fructifies on the contrary out of the profoundest tragic depths of the essential death in which its

Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch" may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used whe

A woman's a woman until the day she dies, but a man's only a man as long as he can.

Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at the blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead.

Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even.

It's not a sin not to be Irish, but it is a great shame.

In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus, "one when he was a boy and one when he was a man."

The Worst Jury A murder trial at Manitoba in February 1978 was well advanced, when one juror revealed that he was completely deaf and did not have the remotest clue what was happening. The judge, Mr. Justice Solomon, asked him if he had heard any

"The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as we could with both of them."

One of my favorite jokes, a telling commentary on Jewish mothers' capacity to lay on guilt, involves the mother who gave her son two neckties on Chanuka. The boy hurried into his bedroom, ripped off the tie he was wearing, put on one of the ties his

A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.

I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike.

A violent man will die a violent death.

Crime does not pay ... as well as politics.

Man proposes, God disposes.

You know very well that whether you are on page one or page thirty depends on whether [the press] fear you. It is just as simple as that.

When I first arrived in this country I had only fifteen cents in my pocket and a willingness to compromise.

What does it take for Americans to do great things; to go to the moon, to win wars, to dig canals linking oceans, to build railroads across a continent? In independent thought about this question, Neil Armstrong and I concluded that it takes a coinci

The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak.

Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental Anguish. You would sue: * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions

If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could work for with a great deal of enjoyment.

Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.

"Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *___can* you believe?!"

...He who laughs does not believe in what he laughs at, but neither does he hate it. Therefore, laughing at evil means not preparing oneself to combat it, and laughing at good means denying the power through which good is self-propagating.

Imagine there's no heaven... it's easy if you try.

"I'm dying," he croaked. "My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted . "You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized. "That's no beagle, it's a mongrel," she muttered. "The fire is going out," he bellowed. "Bad marksmanship," the h

He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry attacks democracy itself.

The road to ruin is always in good repair, and the travellers pay the expense of it.

There never was a good war or a bad peace.

Getting into trouble is easy.

As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular.

New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.

When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all.

Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich and powerful know that he is.

A woman who is guided by the head and not by the heart is a social pestilence: she has all the defects of the passionate and affectionate woman, with none of her compensations; she is without pity, without love, without virtue, without sex.

The degree of civilization in a society can be judged by entering its prisons.

Another day, another dollar.

The only certainty is that nothing is certain.

Wait for that wisest of all counselors, Time.

A good question is never answered. It is not a bolt to be tightened into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the hope of greening the landscape of idea.

Diplomacy is the art of letting the other party have things your way.

The rights and interests of the laboring man will be protected and cared for not by our labor agitators, but by the Christian men to whom God in his infinite wisdom has given control of property interests of the country, and upon the successful manag

The life which is unexamined is not worth living.

If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.

Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.

Necessity has no law.

Govern a great nation as you would cook a small fish. Don't overdo it.

He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news.

I reverently believe that the maker who made us all makes everything in New England, but the weather. I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in New England, fo

L'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare.

"I don't know whether God exists or not, but it makes no difference to me." "It's not like He's passing out free money or anything."

In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence ... in time every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is incompetent to carry out its duties ... Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

Swerve me? The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails, whereon my soul is grooved to run. Over unsounded gorges, through the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly I rush!

Women are nothing but machines for producing children.

An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see a great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures. I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment. I have given up everything I was aske

You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for independence.

were found to be wearing neckwear that was tighter than their neck circumference. The visual discrimination of the 22 subjects was evaluated using a critical flicker frequency (CFF) test. Results of the CFF test indicated that tight neckwear signifi

One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say.

"Necessity is the mother of invention" is a silly proverb. "Necessity is the mother of futile dodges" is much nearer the truth.

Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade themselves that they have a better idea.

The English instinctively admire any man who has no talent and is modest about it.

It is through symbols that man consciously or unconsciously lives, works and has his being.

It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either.

The Anglo-Saxon conscience does not prevent the Anglo-Saxon from sinning, it merely prevents him from enjoying his sin.

Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else; this is not advice, it is merely custom.

Try not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be educational.

Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they had towels from my house.

All the waters of the earth are in the armpit of the Great Frog.

"I have to convince you, or at least snow you ..."

"It's a summons." "What's a summons?" "It means summon's in trouble."

If a shameless woman expects to be defiled and then dies of her fierce love because you do not consent, will chastity also be homicide?

One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to represent a creative meeting, and the ratio c

Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.

I use not only all the brains I have, but all those I can borrow as well.

The time was the 19th of May, 1780. The place was Hartford, Connecticut. The day has gone down in New England history as a terrible foretaste of Judgement Day. For at noon the skies turned from blue to grey and by mid-afternoon had blackened over s

History shows that the human mind, fed by constant accessions of knowledge, periodically grows too large for its theoretical coverings, and bursts them asunder to appear in new habiliments, as the feeding and growing grub, at intervals, casts its too

Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.

The best you get is an even break.

Generally speaking, the Way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.

A woman who is unfaithful deserves to be shot.

It were not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion that makes horse-races.

I've got a very bad feeling about this.

Where do I find the time for not reading so many books?

If you live long enough, you'll see that every victory turns into a defeat.

Art is a lie which makes us realize the truth.

"Do you think there's a God?" "Well, ____SOMEbody's out to get me!"

The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind.

For there are moments when one can neither think nor feel. And if one can neither think nor feel, she thought, where is one?

Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it's out of date.)

If God wanted us to have a President, He would have sent us a candidate.

One good turn deserves another.

I consider a new device or technology to have been culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder.

Man is a military animal, glories in gunpowder, and loves parade.

A yawn is a silent shout.

I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some kind of loophole.

Look before you leap.

Goals... Plans... they're fantasies, they're part of a dream world...

Life is like a 10 speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.

When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when your boss is away and you get twice as much done.

New Jersey is not the armpit of the nation; it's the asshole of the universe.

If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world.

What an author likes to write most is his signature on the back of a cheque.

Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious.

Think sideways!

Everyone is in the best seat.

There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

According to my best recollection, I don't remember.

Hell is empty and all the devils are here.

One hundred women are not worth a single testicle.

The college graduate is presented with a sheepskin to cover his intellectual nakedness.

It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either.

Many hands make light work.

Texas is Hell on woman and horses.

You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements.

The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.

... so long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those who wish to tyrranize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent, and will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious and otherwise, to put shackles upon sl

Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.

The only "ism" Hollywood believes in is plagiarism.

All kings is mostly rapscallions.

Piece of cake!

As failures go, attempting to recall the past is like trying to grasp the meaning of existence. Both make one feel like a baby clutching at a basketball: one's palms keep sliding off.

A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students.

It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim of infanticide.

It doesn't matter whether you win or lose

The streets were dark with something more than night.

Not to laugh, not to lament, not to curse, but to understand.

It follows that any commander in chief who undertakes to carry out a plan which he considers defective is at fault; he must put forth his reasons, insist of the plan being changed, and finally tender his resignation rather than be the instrument of h

The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding.

If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.

We should have a Vollyballocracy. We elect a six-pack of presidents. Each one serves until they screw up, at which point they rotate.

He who knows others is wise. He who knows himself is enlightened.

Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.

They can't stop us... we're on a mission from God!

The distinction between Freedom and Liberty is not accurately known; naturalists have been unable to find a living specimen of either.

By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death.

Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the world is love. The poor know that it is money.

An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God. Some of these eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as possible.

Objectivity is to a newspaper what virtue is to a woman.

We can embody the truth, but we cannot know it.

A little bit of rape is good for a man's soul.

Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some ordinance under which you can be booked.

Necessity hath no law.

America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up.

There's such a thing as too much point on a pencil.

My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my family, it seems, begins where yours left off.

We're fantastically incredibly sorry for all these extremely unreasonable things we did. I can only plead that my simple, barely-sentient friend and myself are underprivileged, deprived and also college students.

Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.

Tallulah Bankhead barged down the Nile last night as Cleopatra and sank.

I have just enough white in me to make my honesty questionable.

He who fears the unknown may one day flee from his own backside.

Well, we'll really have a party, but we've gotta post a guard outside.

Fame lost its appeal for me when I went into a public restroom and an autograph seeker handed me a pen and paper under the stall door.

I am just a nice, clean-cut Mongolian boy.

I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men

Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly.

Life is the living you do, Death is the living you don't do.

Don't vote

Many a bum show has been saved by the flag.

Here's to women. Would that we could fall into her arms without falling into her hands.

To generalize is to be an idiot.

May you live in uninteresting times.

Nonsense and beauty have close connections.

The future is a race between education and catastrophe.

God was satisfied with his own work, and that is fatal.

Satire is tragedy plus time.

The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves.

What we wish, that we readily believe.

You can bring men from other parts of the world who are sane. And you know what happens? At the very moment they cross those mountains... they go mad. Instantaneously and automatically, at the very moment they cross the mountains into California,

If built in great numbers, motels will be used for nothing but illegal purposes.

Save the Whales

Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy.

Let your conscience be your guide.

The world's great men have not commonly been great scholars, nor its great scholars great men.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.

... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat. It is not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery.

Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition.

The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes.

Carol's head ached as she trailed behind the unsmiling Calibrees along the block of booths. She chirruped at Kennicott, "Let's be wild! Let's ride on the merry-go-round and grab a gold ring!" Kennicott considered it, and mumbled to Calibree, "Thin

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.

Authors (and perhaps columnists) eventually rise to the top of whatever depths they were once able to plumb.

If you catch a man, throw him back.

Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives.

They use different words for things in America. For instance they say elevator and we say lift. They say drapes and we say curtains. They say president and we say brain damaged git.

It is annoying to be honest to no purpose.

When you are at Rome live in the Roman style; when you are elsewhere live as they live elsewhere.

If I could reach, I'd never leave the house.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

But if you wish at once to do nothing and to be respectable nowdays, the best pretext is to be at work on some profound study.

It is so stupid of modern civilisation to have given up believing in the devil when he is the only explanation of it.

"Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western religion, Rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western science."

Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high, they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.

The superfluous is very necessary.

Living in New York City gives people real incentives to want things that nobody else wants.

Things are not always what they seem.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forego their use.

Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very opposite applies with the judges.

Better the prince of some inferior court, Than second, or less, in beatific light.

We should keep the Panama Canal. After all, we stole it fair and square.

When the President does it, that means it is not illegal.

There but for the grace of God, goes God.

... it still remains true that as a set of cognitive beliefs about the existence of God in any recognizable sense continuous with the great systems of the past, religious doctrines constitute a speculative hypothesis of an extremely low order of prob

If society fits you comfortably enough, you call it freedom.

Two heads are better than one.

"Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it."

To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D.

Life is one long struggle in the dark.

The primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO" represents the secondary theme: Law Enforcement Officials The overall theme of SoupCon shall be: Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials

If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one.

"You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks."

Like ya know? Rock 'N Roll is an esoteric language that unlocks the creativity chambers in people's brains, and like totally activates their essential hipness, which of course is like totally necessary for saving the earth, like because the first th

God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through.

Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.

America, how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood?

In regards to Oral Roberts' claim that God told him that he would die unless he received $20 million by March, God's lawyers have stated that their client has not spoken with Roberts for several years. Off the record, God has stated that "If I had w

A critic is a bundle of biases held loosely together by a sense of taste.

Those who have had no share in the good fortunes of the mighty Often have a share in their misfortunes.

If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry.

I used to be a rebel in my youth. This cause... that cause... (chuckle) I backed 'em ALL! But I learned. Rebellion is simply a device used by the immature to hide from his own problems. So I lost interest in politics. Now when I feel aroused by

Ben, why didn't you tell me?

Yet creeds mean very little, Coth answered the dark god, still speaking almost gently. The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.

An efficient and a successful administration manifests itself equally in small as in great matters.

The sunlights differ, but there is only one darkness.

Beauty is one of the rare things which does not lead to doubt of God.

If a thing's worth having, it's worth cheating for.

A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you.

If you sell diamonds, you cannot expect to have many customers. But a diamond is a diamond even if there are no customers.

If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it around. Trouble creates a capacity to handle it. I don't say embrace trouble; that's as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say meet it as a friend, for you'll see a lot of it and y

The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used.

Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away someone else's cash.

A public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be too heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which was intended for her preservation.

Anything anybody can say about America is true.

Home is where the hurt is.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

What an artist dies with me!

A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough to take it all away.

A sad spectacle. If they be inhabited, what a scope for misery and folly. If they be not inhabited, what a waste of space.

Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort of like a shell leaving the nut behind.

A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks.

A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper.

I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of the way and let them have it.

Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away?

Diary of a Young Girl LITE(tm)

We should realize that a city is better off with bad laws, so long as they remain fixed, then with good laws that are constantly being altered, that the lack of learning combined with sound common sense is more helpful than the kind of cleverness th

Fortune's Guide to Freshman Notetaking: WHEN THE PROFESSOR SAYS: YOU WRITE: Probably the greatest quality of the poetry John Milton

Mankind is poised midway between the gods and the beasts.

I see where we are starting to pay some attention to our neigbors to the south. We could never understand why Mexico wasn't just crazy about us; for we have always had their good will, and oil and minerals, at heart.

An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad to lie and intrigue for the benefit of his country.

Illusion is the first of all pleasures.

There's no justice in this world.

The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobb

When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite.

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.

What one fool can do, another can.

Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.

Remembering is for those who have forgotten.

To accuse others for one's own misfortunes is a sign of want of education. To accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun. To accuse neither oneself nor others shows that one's education is complete.

Facts are the enemy of truth.

After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations.

Monterey... is decidedly the pleasantest and most civilized-looking place in California ... [it] is also a great place for cock-fighting, gambling of all sorts, fandangos, and various kinds of amusements and knavery.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

Whenever anyone says, "theoretically," they really mean, "not really."

Unless hours were cups of sack, and minutes capons, and clocks the tongues of bawds, and dials the signs of leaping houses, and the blessed sun himself a fair, hot wench in flame-colored taffeta, I see no reason why thou shouldst be so superfluous to

I can hire one half of the working class to kill the other half.

"If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far."

Eighteen goddess-like daughters are not equal to one son with a hump.

You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form. The short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified", which means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears tax-preparation expert to distinguish betwe

Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher. The butcher is weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and weeks. He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists, but he sings about his gin

For myself, I can only say that I am astonished and somewhat terrified at the results of this evening's experiments. Astonished at the wonderful power you have developed, and terrified at the thought that so much hideous and bad music may be put on

If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.

If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom; and the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money it values more, it will lose that, too.

In the first place, God made idiots; this was for practice; then he made school boards.

In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable.

I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the kind of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled substances being in widespread use. Back then, there were no restrictions, in terms of talent, on who could make

Historians have now definitely established that Juan Cabrillo, discoverer of California, was not looking for Kansas, thus setting a precedent that continues to this day.

How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese?

"Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception."

If a fool persists in his folly he shall become wise.

There appears to be irrefutable evidence that the mere fact of overcrowding induces violence.

Maybe ain't ain't so correct, but I notice that lots of folks who ain't using ain't ain't eatin' well.

If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.

Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to examine the laws of heat.

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

There is always one thing to remember: writers are always selling somebody out.

An actor's a guy who if you ain't talkin' about him, ain't listening.

"... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often picturesque liar."

Age before beauty; and pearls before swine.

Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than being flat broke and having a stomach ache.

One good turn asketh another.

Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt. [Confound those who have said our remarks before us.] or [May they perish who have expressed our bright ideas before us.]

Ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach, Or what's a heaven for ?

The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.

We cannot put the face of a person on a stamp unless said person is deceased. My suggestion, therefore, is that you drop dead.

If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.

Scratch the average female and you'll find a purring bundle... at the ready to love and honor, bake a torte and still produce quintuplets.

Sorry 'bout that sweat, honey. That's just holy water.

The Least Successful Equal Pay Advertisement In 1976 the European Economic Community pointed out to the Irish Government that it had not yet implemented the agreed sex equality legislation. The Dublin Government immediately advertised for an equal

When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

It's not easy, being green.

Odets, where is thy sting?

What excuses stand in your way? How can you eliminate them?

The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and pleasant, the second half still balmy and quite pleasant for those who hadn't heard the scream at all, but not c

I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a toilet seat.

Democracy becomes a government of bullies, tempered by editors.

Fear is the greatest salesman.

Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground

Must I hold a candle to my shames?

The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being as his Father, in the womb of a virgin will be classified with the fable of the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter. But we may hope that the dawn of reason and

The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine man in the bonds of Hell.

It is right that he too should have his little chronicle, his memories, his reason, and be able to recognize the good in the bad, the bad in the worst, and so grow gently old all down the unchanging days and die one day like any other day, only short

The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever been.

Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.

Cautious, careful people always casting about to preserve their reputation or social standards never can bring about reform. Those who are totally in earnest are willing to be anything or nothing in the world's estimation, and publicly and privately

A woman takes off her claim to respect along with her garments.

Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

There is no sin but ignorance.

Man must shape his tools lest they shape him.

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.

If a man loses his reverence for any part of life, he will lose his reverence for all of life.

The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarian tribe now stacking wood at her nubile feet, when the strong clear voice of the poetic and heroic Handsomas roared, 'Flick your Bic, cr

Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent and original in your work.

Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with royal-blue chickens.

"Spare no expense to save money on this one."