But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in 1877, was the phonograph, which could soo

Nothing succeeds like excess.

Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say.

If the ends don't justify the means, then what does?

How is the world ruled, and how do wars start? Diplomats tell lies to journalists, and they believe what they read.

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

Richard Nixon was the most dishonest individual I have ever met in my life. He lied to his wife, his family, his friends, his colleagues in the Congress, lifetime members of his own political party, the American people, and the world.

With her body, woman is more sincere than man; but with her mind she lies. And when she lies, she does not believe herself.

The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine we own.

Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a just man is also a prison.

CF&C stole it, fair and square.

XI: If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would get twice as much done. If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty times as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all the managers would fly off. XII: I

What passes for optimism is most often the effect of an intellectual error.

The hater of property and of government takes care to have his warranty deed recorded, and the book written against fame and learning has the author's name on the title page.

We have nowhere else to go... this is all we have.

"Remember, if it's being done correctly, here or abroad, it's ___not the U.S. Army doing it!"

The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobb

Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly.

It is a wise father that knows his own child.

To add insult to injury.

Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.

The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because it isn't here.

Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in.

As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport.

War hath no fury like a non-combatant.

There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life is the process of discovering them over and over and over.

Vote early and vote often.

Delay not, Caesar. Read it instantly.

"It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country. The Greeks never said it was sweet to die for anything. They had no vital lies."

As Gen. de Gaulle occassionally acknowledges America to be the daughter of Europe, so I am pleased to come to Yale, the daughter of Harvard.

God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying other things.

In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they have obtained from books of travel.

The adjective is the banana peel of the parts of speech.

Peace cannot be kept by force; it can only be achieved by understanding.

It is convenient that there be gods, and, as it is convenient, let us believe there are.

You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove.

Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the villagers gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," said Nasrudin, "I only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the villagers but the stupidest ran off to spr

"Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none."

Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation."

Men freely believe that what they wish to desire.

All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of the United States.

Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.

The rights and interests of the laboring man will be protected and cared for not by our labor agitators, but by the Christian men to whom God in his infinite wisdom has given control of property interests of the country, and upon the successful manag

Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations Sign on a cabin door of a Soviet Black Sea cruise liner: Helpsavering apparata in emergings behold many whistles! Associate the stringing apparata about the bosums and meet behind, flee then t

"I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?"

This was the most unkindest cut of all.

A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a "Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.

Leave no stone unturned.

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back the when it begins to rain.

I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out the lessons that they teach. Oh, tell me that I may s

Many a writer seems to think he is never profound except when he can't understand his own meaning.

Sweet April showers do spring May flowers.

No evil can happen to a good man.

When we jumped into Sicily, the units became separated, and I couldn't find anyone. Eventually I stumbled across two colonels, a major, three captains, two lieutenants, and one rifleman, and we secured the bridge. Never in the history of war have s

Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad name.

I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I tell them the truth and they never believe me.

This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.

Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.

If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world.

The scum also rises.

We know next to nothing about virtually everything. It is not necessary to know the origin of the universe; it is necessary to want to know. Civilization depends not on any particular knowledge, but on the disposition to crave knowledge.

I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a toilet seat.

The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one.

[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity: (1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a

A man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles in the road.

"...The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!" "Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to feel interested. "No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little vexed. "That's what the name is called. The nam

The surest protection against temptation is cowardice.

Music in the soul can be heard by the universe.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it.

I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.

If you don't strike oil in twenty minutes, stop boring.

You can observe a lot just by watching.

If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, it might well prolong his life.

"... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often picturesque liar."

It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too.

She applies her lipstick in spite of its contents: "greasy rouge, containing crushed and dried insect corpses for coloring, beeswax for stiffness, and olive oil to help it flow - the latter having the unfortunate tendency to go rancid several hours a

Big book, big bore.

All things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed.

Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.

You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements.

All Gods were immortal.

Let the people think they govern and they will be governed.

Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his followers. One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She

The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity that would be clearly understood.

There's such a thing as too much point on a pencil.

When I reflect upon the number of disagreeable people who I know who have gone to a better world, I am moved to lead a different life.

The pollution's at that awkward stage. Too thick to navigate and too thin to cultivate.

To restore a sense of reality, I think Walt Disney should have a Hardluckland.

Men's skin is different from women's skin. It is usually bigger, and it has more snakes tattooed on it. Also, if you examine a woman's skin very closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently tracing the slender curve of her cal

Many a bum show has been saved by the flag.

So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie; and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very imprudently married the barber; and there were

Rotten wood cannot be carved.

Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.

If Christianity was morality, Socrates would be the Saviour.

San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.

[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity: (1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a

"If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination."

No good deed goes unpunished.

The goys have proven the following theorem...

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.

[Americans] are a race of convicts and ought to be thankful for anything we allow them short of hanging.

The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak.

... difference of opinion is advantagious in religion. The several sects perform the office of a common censor morum over each other. Is uniformity attainable? Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the introduction of Christianity,

Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.

The great nations have always acted like gangsters and the small nations like prostitutes.

VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot. This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.

... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *___did* quote anybody in this business, it probably would be gibberish.

Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than we deserve.

For there are moments when one can neither think nor feel. And if one can neither think nor feel, she thought, where is one?

Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even.

None love the bearer of bad news.

It is better to have loved and lost

Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you awfully comfortable while you're being miserable.

Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying.

Swerve me? The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails, whereon my soul is grooved to run. Over unsounded gorges, through the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly I rush!

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.

To defend the Saigon regime is not worth one more human life.

A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election.

It is through symbols that man consciously or unconsciously lives, works and has his being.

Thieves respect property; they merely wish the property to become their property that they may more perfectly respect it.

Very few blacks will take up golf until the requirement for plaid pants is dropped.

In my experience, if you have to keep the lavatory door shut by extending your left leg, it's modern architecture.

An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad to lie and intrigue for the benefit of his country.

Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.

Practical politics consists in ignoring facts.

The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine we own.

Generally speaking, the Way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death.

A good question is never answered. It is not a bolt to be tightened into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the hope of greening the landscape of idea.

I shot an arrow in to the air, and it stuck.

Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original and the part that is original is not good.

A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything.

The Bible says that woman was the last thing God made. Evidently He made her on Saturday night. She reveals his fatigue.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves.

If ever the pleasure of one has to be bought by the pain of the other, there better be no trade. A trade by which one gains and the other loses is a fraud.

He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him.

Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases.

Exxon's 'Universe of Energy' tends to the peculiar rather than the humorous ... After [an incomprehensible film montage about wind and sun and rain and strip mines and] two or three minutes of mechanical confusion, the seats locomote through a short

America is a melting pot. You know, where those on the bottom get burned, and the scum rises to the top.

Mr. Salter's side of the conversation was limited to expressions of assent. When Lord Copper was right he said "Definitely, Lord Copper"; when he was wrong, "Up to a point." "Let me see, what's the name of the place I mean? Capital of Japan? Yokoh

The whole religious complexion of the modern world is due to the absence from Jerusalem of a lunatic asylum.

The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization.

We're all in this alone.

If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

To say you got a vote of confidence would be to say you needed a vote of confidence.

Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest men in national government too.

The thought of being President frightens me and I do not think I want the job.

The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr.

A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.

... so long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those who wish to tyrranize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent, and will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious and otherwise, to put shackles upon sl

were found to be wearing neckwear that was tighter than their neck circumference. The visual discrimination of the 22 subjects was evaluated using a critical flicker frequency (CFF) test. Results of the CFF test indicated that tight neckwear signifi

Serfs up!

If God wanted us to have a President, He would have sent us a candidate.

I try not to break the rules but merely to test their elasticity.

People of privilege will always risk their complete destruction rather than surrender any material part of their advantage.

Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away?

I had another dream the other day about music critics. They were small and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they had stepped out of a painting by Goya.

Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people.

We are governed not by armies and police but by ideas.

Very few people do anything creative after the age of thirty-five. The reason is that very few people do anything creative before the age of thirty-five.

Wagner's music is better than it sounds.

Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very opposite applies with the judges.

Like, if I'm not for me, then fer shure, like who will be? And if, y'know, if I'm not like fer anyone else, then hey, I mean, what am I? And if not now, like I dunno, maybe like when? And if not Who, then I dunno, maybe like the Rolling Stones?

Nothing will ever be attempted if all possible objections must be first overcome.

Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak!

Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books.

It is easy to find fault, if one has that disposition. There was once a man who, not being able to find any other fault with his coal, complained that there were too many prehistoric toads in it.

An office party is not, as is sometimes supposed the Managing Director's chance to kiss the tea-girl. It is the tea-girl's chance to kiss the Managing Director (however bizarre an ambition this may seem to anyone who has seen the Managing Director f

When I have one foot in the grave I will tell the truth about women. I shall tell it, jump into my coffin, pull the lid over me, and say, "Do what you like now."

Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine.

For a light heart lives long.

There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Pope.

Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored.

Let us never negotiate out of fear, but let us never fear to negotiate.

The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic devices, such as television sets and VCR's, to the destruction centers, where trained personnel would whack them (the devices) with sledgehammers. With their devices thus permanent

A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough to take it all away.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches.

I've got a very bad feeling about this.

After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon to be created." "This is true," He replied.

Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday.

Now it is such a bizarrely improbable coincidence that anything so mind- bogglingly useful could have evolved purely by chance that some thinkers have chosen to see it as a final and clinching proof of the non-existence of God. The argument follows:

Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep". Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference: "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling." Obvious, isn't

If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know.

Thou hast seen nothing yet.

It is like saying that for the cause of peace, God and the Devil will have a high-level meeting.

There are three infallible ways of pleasing an author, and the three form a rising scale of compliment: 1, to tell him you have read one of his books; 2, to tell him you have read all of his books; 3, to ask him to let you read the manuscript of his

It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.

How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another in the waking state?

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have a sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks tragedy, and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets tragedy face to face, we have politics.

The meek shall inherit the earth, but *not* its mineral rights.

Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.

We know all about the habits of the ant, we know all about the habits of the bee, but we know nothing at all about the habits of the oyster. It seems almost certain that we have been choosing the wrong time for studying the oyster.

Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it.

Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend.

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.

As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular.

Just close your eyes, tap your heels together three times, and think to yourself, `There's no place like home.'

Look ere ye leap.

God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.

There never was a good war or a bad peace.

People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war, or before an election.

I went to my mother and told her I intended to commence a different life. I asked for and obtained her blessing and at once commenced the career of a robber.

A rolling stone gathers no moss.

We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.

He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry attacks democracy itself.

People in general do not willingly read if they have anything else to amuse them.

Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit. [There is no great genius without some touch of madness.]

Who does not trust enough will not be trusted.

After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon to be created." "This is true," He replied.

Our parents were of Midwestern stock and very strict. They didn't want us to grow up to be spoiled and rich. If we left our tennis racquets in the rain, we were punished.

I: The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin with a silk sow. The same is true of money. II: If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it would probably be twice as good as yesterday was. III: There are

A snake lurks in the grass.

Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.

Why be a man when you can be a success?

The language of politics is poetry, not prose. Jackson is poetry. Cuomo is poetry. Dukakis is a word processor.

The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning, and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it's just the opposite.

If you sell diamonds, you cannot expect to have many customers. But a diamond is a diamond even if there are no customers.

"Do you think there's a God?" "Well, ____SOMEbody's out to get me!"

There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself.

Carol's head ached as she trailed behind the unsmiling Calibrees along the block of booths. She chirruped at Kennicott, "Let's be wild! Let's ride on the merry-go-round and grab a gold ring!" Kennicott considered it, and mumbled to Calibree, "Thin

There can be no daily democracy without daily citizenship.

We all declare for liberty, but in using the same word we do not all mean the same thing.

The sky is blue so we know where to stop mowing.

By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve.

Unknown person(s) stole the American flag from its pole in Etra Park sometime between 3pm Jan 17 and 11:30 am Jan 20. The flag is described as red, white and blue, having 50 stars and was valued at $40.

Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.

There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.

"Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever

It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish.

The eye is a menace to clear sight, the ear is a menace to subtle hearing, the mind is a menace to wisdom, every organ of the senses is a menace to its own capacity. ... Fuss, the god of the Southern Ocean, and Fret, the god of the Northern Ocean, h

Boston State House is the hub of the Solar System. You couldn't pry that out of a Boston man if you had the tire of all creation straightened out for a crowbar.

Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.

I have a dream. I have a dream that one day, on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

The salary of the chief executive of the large corporation is not a market award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal gesture by the individual to himself.

A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you.

Force has no place where there is need of skill.

Harp not on that string.

Dustin Farnum: Why, yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats! Oliver Herford: Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of it!

Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years organising and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office.

Audacity, and again, audacity, and always audacity.

Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done.

Remembering is for those who have forgotten.

Briefly stated, the findings are that when presented with an array of data or a sequence of events in which they are instructed to discover an underlying order, subjects show strong tendencies to perceive order and causality in random arrays, to perc

Satire is what closes Saturday night.

"It says he made us all to be just like him. So if we're dumb, then god is dumb, and maybe even a little ugly on the side."

Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long.

This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with great force.

By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death.

Consider well the proportions of things. It is better to be a young June-bug than an old bird of paradise.

"Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends."

An efficient and a successful administration manifests itself equally in small as in great matters.

No small art is it to sleep: it is necessary for that purpose to keep awake all day.

Life is too short to be taken seriously.

In Hollywood, all marriages are happy. It's trying to live together afterwards that causes the problems.

It is a lesson which all history teaches wise men, to put trust in ideas, and not in circumstances.

Truth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominy of him that brought her birth.

Zero Mostel: That's it baby! When you got it, flaunt it! Flaunt it!

"There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him during the trial."

All generalizations are false, including this one.

A political man can have as his aim the realization of freedom, but he has no means to realize it other than through violence.

'Scuse me, while I kiss the sky!

Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest r

A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)

It shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the municipality.

Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop writing.

Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city until about his 35th year, when he became a Christian. [...] To him is ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia

I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual becoming, with a goal in front and not behin

Mum's the word.

For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say "Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something.

[The members of the Chamberlain government] are decided only to be undecided, resolved to be irresolute, adamant for drift, all-powerful for impotency.

If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life.

English literature's performing flea.

I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some kind of loophole.

One good turn asketh another.

Andrea: Unhappy the land that has no heroes. Galileo: No, unhappy the land that _____needs heroes.

One thing I have no worry about is whether God exists. But it has occurred to me that God has Alzheimer's and has forgotten we exist.

Look, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters, con-men. That's the way businesses get started. That's the way this country was built.

With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time they make a law it's a joke.

Hark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender. You stand convicted of sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want.

A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than he could be elected Pope of Rome. Both high posts are reserved for men favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter facts of life in bandages of self-illus

The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, "How's the President?"

The fact that people are poor or discriminated against doesn't necessarily endow them with any special qualities of justice, nobility, charity or compassion.

The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever been.

The American system of ours, call it Americanism, call it Capitalism, call it what you like, gives each and every one of us a great opportunity if we only seize it with both hands and make the most of it.

"Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever

Veni, vidi, vici. [I came, I saw, I conquered].

The only certainty is that nothing is certain.

"You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive."

Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade themselves that they have a better idea.

There's no justice in this world.

Too much is just enough.

Ben, why didn't you tell me?

All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard, ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas.

The Worst Car Hire Service When David Schwartz left university in 1972, he set up Rent-a-wreck as a joke. Being a natural prankster, he acquired a fleet of beat-up shabby, wreckages waiting for the scrap heap in California. He put on a cap and lo

The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the number of participants.

One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to represent a creative meeting, and the ratio c

I reverently believe that the maker who made us all makes everything in New England, but the weather. I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in New England, fo

The genius of our ruling class is that it has kept a majority of the people from ever questioning the inequity of a system where most people drudge along paying heavy taxes for which they get nothing in return.

"I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it."

Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even worse.

An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest.

For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels, each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall was a gate.

Never trust an automatic pistol or a D.A.'s deal.

Since everything in life is but an experience perfect in being what it is, having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well burst out in laughter.

Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall.

The only cultural advantage LA has over NY is that you can make a right turn on a red light.

The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.

As to Jesus of Nazareth... I think the system of Morals and his Religion, as he left them to us, the best the World ever saw or is likely to see; but I apprehend it has received various corrupting Changes, and I have, with most of the present Dissent

I am a friend of the working man, and I would rather be his friend than be one.

Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you will pay only the station-to-station rate.

Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget.

"To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition."

You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable doubt.

Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.

A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth.

Joe Cool always spends the first two weeks at college sailing his frisbee.

If what they've been doing hasn't solved the problem, tell them to do something else.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.

The Israelis are the Doberman pinschers of the Middle East. They treat the Arabs like postmen.

It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim of infanticide.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

We should keep the Panama Canal. After all, we stole it fair and square.

You know very well that whether you are on page one or page thirty depends on whether [the press] fear you. It is just as simple as that.

I think we're in trouble.

The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.

A man's house is his castle.

The smallest worm will turn being trodden on.

NEW YORK

If you hype something and it succeeds, you're a genius

The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars."

Freedom is nothing else but the chance to do better.

The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes.

The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey.

She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot.

A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.

No-one would remember the Good Samaritan if he had only had good intentions. He had money as well.

Robert Kennedy's 1964 Senatorial campaign planners told him that their intention was to present him to the television viewers as a sincere, generous person. "You going to use a double?" asked Kennedy. Thumbing through a promotional pamphlet prep

Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.

The Russians have put a small ball up in the air. That does not raise my apprehensions one iota.

In regards to Oral Roberts' claim that God told him that he would die unless he received $20 million by March, God's lawyers have stated that their client has not spoken with Roberts for several years. Off the record, God has stated that "If I had w

Man is the measure of all things.

When the sun shineth, make hay.

When, in 1964, New Hampshire Republican Senator Norris Cotton announced his support of Bary Goldwater in his state's primary election, he was questioned as to whether this indicated a change of his hitherto "liberal" political views. "Well," expla

The Worst Prison Guards The largest number of convicts ever to escape simultaneously from a maximum security prison is 124. This record is held by Alcoente Prison, near Lisbon in Portugal. During the weeks leading up to the escape in July 1978 th