Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with a valentine.

Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

Audacity, and again, audacity, and always audacity.

In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence ... in time every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is incompetent to carry out its duties ... Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their

Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very opposite applies with the judges.

The whole religious complexion of the modern world is due to the absence from Jerusalem of a lunatic asylum.

Exxon's 'Universe of Energy' tends to the peculiar rather than the humorous ... After [an incomprehensible film montage about wind and sun and rain and strip mines and] two or three minutes of mechanical confusion, the seats locomote through a short

I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the streets and frighten the horses.

I place economy among the first and most important virtues, and public debt as the greatest of dangers to be feared. To preserve our independence, we must not let our rulers load us with perpetual debt. If we run into such debts, we must be taxed i

There are two ways of disliking art. One is to dislike it. The other is to like it rationally.

To be excellent when engaged in administration is to be like the North Star. As it remains in its one position, all the other stars surround it.

Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop writing.

"If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far."

Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground

While there's life, there's hope.

Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.

You can have peace. Or you can have freedom. Don't ever count on having both at once.

I never deny, I never contradict. I sometimes forget.

It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is better still to be a live lion. And usually easier.

Sensible and responsible women do not want to vote.

I used to be a rebel in my youth. This cause... that cause... (chuckle) I backed 'em ALL! But I learned. Rebellion is simply a device used by the immature to hide from his own problems. So I lost interest in politics. Now when I feel aroused by

... "fire" does not matter, "earth" and "air" and "water" do not matter. "I" do not matter. No word matters. But man forgets reality and remembers words. The more words he remembers, the cleverer do his fellows esteem him. He looks upon the great

It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which raises the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody not to.

To say you got a vote of confidence would be to say you needed a vote of confidence.

Remember that there is an outside world to see and enjoy.

If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know.

An honest politician is one who when he is bought will stay bought.

An honest tale speeds best being plainly told.

An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition.

"... gentlemen do not read each other's mail."

Beauty is one of the rare things which does not lead to doubt of God.

Adde parvum parvo manus acervus erit. [Add little to little and there will be a big pile.]

Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even.

People in general do not willingly read if they have anything else to amuse them.

By perseverance the snail reached the Ark.

Dianetics is a milestone for man comparable to his discovery of fire and superior to his invention of the wheel and the arch.

There are no accidents whatsoever in the universe.

Mr. Salter's side of the conversation was limited to expressions of assent. When Lord Copper was right he said "Definitely, Lord Copper"; when he was wrong, "Up to a point." "Let me see, what's the name of the place I mean? Capital of Japan? Yokoh

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

If built in great numbers, motels will be used for nothing but illegal purposes.

When in doubt, have a man come through the door with a gun in his hand.

Fear and loathing, my man, fear and loathing.

It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something.

A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of.

The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.

Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not, when a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and apparently incoherent songs. I was myself within the circle, so that I neither saw nor heard as those without might

They can't stop us... we're on a mission from God!

You have to run as fast as you can just to stay where you are. If you want to get anywhere, you'll have to run much faster.

You can observe a lot just by watching.

Politics is the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn't happen.

Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth *___and* fresher

Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves.

NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Giuseppe? Everything he says is wrong. GIUSEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says will be right.

Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives.

The two party system ... is a triumph of the dialectic. It showed that two could be one and one could be two and had probably been fabricated by Hegel for the American market on a subcontract from General Dynamics.

The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first.

The price of success in philosophy is triviality.

Certainly the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win.

"When are you BUTTHEADS gonna learn that you can't oppose Gestapo tactics *with* Gestapo tactics?"

A woman's a woman until the day she dies, but a man's only a man as long as he can.

Leave no stone unturned.

She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.

The health of a democratic society may be measured by the quality of functions performed by private citizens.

At ebb tide I wrote a line upon the sand, and gave it all my heart and all my soul. At flood tide I returned to read what I had inscribed and found my ignorance upon the shore.

I didn't do it! Nobody saw me do it! Can't prove anything!

XXI: It's easy to get a loan unless you need it. XXII: If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock, not selling advice. XXIII: Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is currently estimated. XXIV:

Mum's the word.

So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie; and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very imprudently married the barber; and there were

I DON'T THINK I'M ALONE when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.

When the English language gets in my way, I walk over it.

Richard Nixon was the most dishonest individual I have ever met in my life. He lied to his wife, his family, his friends, his colleagues in the Congress, lifetime members of his own political party, the American people, and the world.

When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all.

Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying as an income tax refund.

Perhaps the remembrance of these things will prove a source of future pleasure.

A is for Apple.

Peace cannot be kept by force; it can only be achieved by understanding.

We tried to close Ohio's borders and ran into a Constitutional problem. There's a provision in the Constitution that says you can't close your borders to interstate commerce, and garbage is a form of interstate commerce.

We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm.

Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune.

His followers called him Mahasamatman and said he was a god. He preferred to drop the Maha- and the -atman, however, and called himself Sam. He never claimed to be a god. But then, he never claimed not to be a god. Circum- stances being what they

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.

A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it.

About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.

Human resources are human first, and resources second.

God help those who do not help themselves.

He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news.

Living in New York City gives people real incentives to want things that nobody else wants.

Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years organising and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office.

Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.

If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, it might well prolong his life.

The fashion wears out more apparel than the man.

If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.

They're giving bank robbing a bad name.

Politics makes strange bedfellows, and journalism makes strange politics.

It seems appropriate to me that Mapplethorpe's perverse images should be situated so close to Congress, which perpetuates a number of unnatural acts upon the body politic every day, without benefit of artificial lubrication or foreplay.

There is nothing new except what has been forgotten.

"Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun."

She ran the gamut of emotions from 'A' to 'B'.

"The Army is a place where you get up early in the morning to be yelled at by people with short haircuts and tiny brains."

The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that carries any reward.

A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students.

Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l.

Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the world is love. The poor know that it is money.

The Almighty in His infinite wisdom did not see fit to create Frenchmen in the image of Englishmen.

Why be a man when you can be a success?

You are never given a wish without also being given the power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you awfully comfortable while you're being miserable.

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it "Christmas" and went to

"There is a God, but He drinks"

There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.

I'm always looking for a new idea that will be more productive than its cost.

A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Zero Mostel: That's it baby! When you got it, flaunt it! Flaunt it!

When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship.

I'm going to raise an issue and stick it in your ear.

An elderly man stands in line for hours at a Warsaw meat store (meat is severely rationed). When the butcher comes out at the end of the day and announces that there is no meat left, the man flies into a rage. "What is this?" he shouts. "I fought

If little else, the brain is an educational toy.

A classic is something that everyone wants to have read and nobody wants to read.

Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it.

The possession of a book becomes a substitute for reading it.

Instead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better.

Gone With The Wind LITE(tm)

The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes, respectability and children. Nothing can lift those seven milestones from man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the milestones are lifted.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Necessity hath no law.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

We ... make the modern error of dignifying the Individual. We do everything we can to butter him up. We give him a name, assure him that he has certain inalienable rights, educate him, let him pass on his name to his brats and when he dies we give

It is easy to find fault, if one has that disposition. There was once a man who, not being able to find any other fault with his coal, complained that there were too many prehistoric toads in it.

The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.

Plastic... Aluminum... These are the inheritors of the Universe! Flesh and Blood have had their day... and that day is past!

If any demonstrator ever lays down in front of my car, it'll be the last car he ever lays down in front of.

Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.

The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the House Un-American Activities Committee]. We will determine what rights you have and what rights you have not got.

"First World" nations are the ones where people drive Japanese cars; "Second World" nations are where First World residents go on vacation; and "Third World" nations are the ones where people still dive out of trees to prove their manhood.

How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese?

Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high, they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.

I'd be a poorer man if I'd never seen an eagle fly.

If Christianity was morality, Socrates would be the Saviour.

I always had a repulsive need to be something more than human.

Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very opposite applies with the judges.

I am convinced that the truest act of courage is to sacrifice ourselves for others in a totally nonviolent struggle for justice. To be a man is to suffer for others.

Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind the railroad yards."

On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does.

Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.

"The Right Honorable Gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests and to his imagination for his facts."

I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some kind of loophole.

Nothing, nothing, nothing, no error, no crime is so absolutely repugnant to God as everything which is official; and why? because the official is so impersonal and therefore the deepest insult which can be offered to a personality.

XLI: The more one produces, the less one gets. XLII: Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite testing. XLIII: Hardware works best when it matters the least. XLIV: Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a we

If you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk. If you wish to be happy for three days, get married. If you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it. If you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish.

The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist "Jack."

In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty lashes with the cat or the dog,

I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope they do get 'em lowered down enough so people can afford to pay 'em.

The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr.

The less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag.

In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it.

Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

In the first place, God made idiots; this was for practice; then he made school boards.

The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding.

It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that English is the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many other languages "You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case.

He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know.

A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.

Alea iacta est. [The die is cast]

We know all about the habits of the ant, we know all about the habits of the bee, but we know nothing at all about the habits of the oyster. It seems almost certain that we have been choosing the wrong time for studying the oyster.

All things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed.

I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches.

You can't run away forever, But there's nothing wrong with getting a good head start.

Liberty don't work as good in practice as it does in speeches.

Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled.

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time of trouble.

It is enough to make one sympathize with a tyrant for the determination of his courtiers to deceive him for their own personal ends...

Maryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on the dance floor. Now everyone's doing it. It's called grand slam dancing.

Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read.

Fear is the greatest salesman.

If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism.

"We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!"

I had never been too political, but I knew how white people treated black people and it was hard for me to come back to the bullshit white people put a black person through in this country. To realize you don't have any power to make things differen

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.

Waste not fresh tears over old griefs.

History shows that the human mind, fed by constant accessions of knowledge, periodically grows too large for its theoretical coverings, and bursts them asunder to appear in new habiliments, as the feeding and growing grub, at intervals, casts its too

Arrakis teaches the attitude of the knife - chopping off what's incomplete and saying: "Now it's complete because it's ended here."

Facts are the enemy of truth.

A definition of teaching: casting fake pearls before real swine.

What is good? Everything that heightens the feeling of power in man, the will to power, power itself. What is bad? Everything that is born of weakness. Not contentedness but more power; not peace but war; not virtue but fitness. The weak and the

For fools rush in where angels fear to tread.

I reverently believe that the maker who made us all makes everything in New England, but the weather. I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in New England, fo

A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a "Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.

All kings is mostly rapscallions.

"Necessity is the mother of invention" is a silly proverb. "Necessity is the mother of futile dodges" is much nearer the truth.

The use of money is all the advantage there is to having money.

Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all.

Bullwinkle: You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the outfit. General: What does that make YOU? Bullwinkle: What else? An executive.

The profession of book writing makes horse racing seem like a solid, stable business.

Isn't it nice that people who prefer Los Angeles to San Francisco live there?

Illusion is the first of all pleasures.

question = ( to ) ? be : ! be;

Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.

It's easier to be a liberal a long way from home.

Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it.

A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.

The executioner is, I hear, very expert, and my neck is very slender.

The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.

Fame lost its appeal for me when I went into a public restroom and an autograph seeker handed me a pen and paper under the stall door.

"Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you."

Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow!

The faster I go, the behinder I get.

(1) Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood. (2) If your stomach antagonizes you, pacify it with cool thoughts. (3) Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move. (4) Go very lightly on the vices, such as carrying on in society, as

"Is it just me, or does anyone else read `bible humpers' every time someone writes `bible thumpers?'

In breeding cattle you need one bull for every twenty-five cows, unless the cows are known sluts.

Concerning the war in Vietnam, Senator George Aiken of Vermount noted in January, 1966, "I'm not very keen for doves or hawks. I think we need more owls."

One big pile is better than two little piles.

The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of statistics. These are raised to the nth degree, the cube roots are extracted, and the results are arranged into elaborate and impressive displays. What must be kept ever in mind, how

Cold is God's way of teling us to burn more Catholics.

I am not now and never have been a girl friend of Henry Kissinger.

The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner.

Adhere to your own act, and congratulate yourself if you have done something strange and extravagant, and broken the monotony of a decorous age.

[The French Riviera is] a sunny place for shady people.

War is like love, it always finds a way.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. My advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed.

Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.

One good turn asketh another.

Better late than never.

Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not spending money alone. It is spending t

"Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men and women, such as are we all? And thus happi

Writing is turning one's worst moments into money.

The world is full of people who have never, since childhood, met an open doorway with an open mind.

The real purpose of books is to trap the mind into doing its own thinking.

Power tends to corrupt, absolute power corrupts absolutely.

The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobb

Events are not affected, they develop.

For the first time we have a weapon that nobody has used for thirty years. This gives me great hope for the human race.

To know Edina is to reject it.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.

The only thing that experience teaches us is that experience teaches us nothing.

Monterey... is decidedly the pleasantest and most civilized-looking place in California ... [it] is also a great place for cock-fighting, gambling of all sorts, fandangos, and various kinds of amusements and knavery.

If you would know the value of money, go try to borrow some.

Those who do things in a noble spirit of self-sacrifice are to be avoided at all costs.

The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it.

The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate knowledge of its ugly side.

Don't guess

To restore a sense of reality, I think Walt Disney should have a Hardluckland.

Diary of a Young Girl LITE(tm)

Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education is what you get when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't.

Art is a lie which makes us realize the truth.

According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could beat up their

The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning, and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished.

My advice to the women's clubs of America is to raise more hell and fewer dahlias.

Life is like a 10 speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.

My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed.

Confucius say too much.

Of all men's miseries, the bitterest is this: to know so much and have control over nothing.

The first requisite for immortality is death.

Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away someone else's cash.

Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge.

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.

"There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him during the trial."

Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.

An aphorism is never exactly true; it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths.

Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like.

A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.

Has the great art and mystery of politics no apparent utility? Does it appear to be unqualifiedly ratty, raffish, sordid, obscene and low down, and its salient virtuosi a gang of umitigated scoundrels? Then let us not forget its high capacity to soo

"We maintain that the very foundation of our way of life is what we call free enterprise," said Cash McCall, "but when one of our citizens show enough free enterprise to pile up a little of that profit, we do our best to make him feel that he ought t

One hundred women are not worth a single testicle.

No one born with a mouth and a need is "innocent".

Ain't no right way to do a wrong thing.

I have never understood this liking for war. It panders to instincts already catered for within the scope of any respectable domestic establishment.

There is no better way of exercising the imagination than the study of law. No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets truth.

Imagine me going around with a pot belly. It would mean political ruin.

A great empire, like a great cake, is most easily diminished at the edges.

All of us should treasure his Oriental wisdom and his preaching of a Zen-like detachment, as exemplified by his constant reminder to clerks, tellers, or others who grew excited by his presence in their banks: "Just lie down on the floor and keep calm

The adjective is the banana peel of the parts of speech.

We have gone on piling weapon upon weapon, missile upon missile, new levels of destructiveness upon old ones. We have done this helplessly, almost involuntarily: like the victims of some sort of hypnotism, like men in a dream, like lemmings heading

There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.

Man is the measure of all things.

A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.

We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it - and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that is well; but also she will never

Do not despair of life. You have no doubt force enough to overcome your obstacles. Think of the fox prowling through wood and field in a winter night for something to satisfy his hunger. Notwithstanding cold and hounds and traps, his race survives

"The jig's up, Elman." "Which jig?"

If you are shooting under 80 you are neglecting your business; over 80 you are neglecting your golf.

It'll be just like Beggars' Canyon back home.

A man who cannot seduce men cannot save them either.

He draweth out the thread of his verbosity finer than the staple of his argument.

My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.

All phone calls are obscene.

The infliction of cruelty with a good conscience is a delight to moralists. That is why they invented hell.

We know next to nothing about virtually everything. It is not necessary to know the origin of the universe; it is necessary to want to know. Civilization depends not on any particular knowledge, but on the disposition to crave knowledge.

English literature's performing flea.

"Plaese porrf raed."

My experience with government is when things are non-controversial, beautifully co-ordinated and all the rest, it must be that not much is going on.

We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once.

The ratio of literacy to illiteracy is a constant, but nowadays the illiterates can read.

I am not a crook.

And ever has it been known that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.

When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when your boss is away and you get twice as much done.

"What's this? Trix? Aunt! Trix? You? You're after the prize! What is it?" He picked up the box and studied the back. "A glow-in-the-dark squid! Have you got it out of there yet?" He tilted the box, angling the little colored balls of cereal

"Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like `Amadeus'? I could have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing."

If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry.

He who renders warfare fatal to all engaged in it will be the greatest benefactor the world has yet known.

I think any man in business would be foolish to fool around with his secretary. If it's somebody else's secretary, fine.

If you live long enough, you'll see that every victory turns into a defeat.

I'm glad I was not born before tea.

France is a country where the money falls apart and you can't tear the toilet paper.

It looks like it's up to me to save our skins. Get into that garbage chute, flyboy!

Life is one long struggle in the dark.

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

"That's no answer," Job said, "And for someone who's supposed to be omnipotent, let me tell you 'tabernacle' has only one l."

All hope abandon, ye who enter here!

Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere. Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group. Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA. The remainder is thrown out. Republicans usu

She hates testicles, thus limiting the men she can admire to Democratic candidates for president.

If the ends don't justify the means, then what does?

The price of seeking to force our beliefs on others is that someday they might force their beliefs on us.

The Poems, all three hundred of them, may be summed up in one of their phrases: "Let our thoughts be correct".

Patch griefs with proverbs.

What we do not understand we do not possess.

Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder aloud what the country could do under first-class management.

When the sun shineth, make hay.

Art is Nature speeded up and God slowed down.

Do not seek death; death will find you. But seek the road which makes death a fulfillment.

No evil can happen to a good man.

Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.

I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man.

Rome was not built in one day.

There's such a thing as too much point on a pencil.

When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary.

Never buy from a rich salesman.

Thank God I've always avoided persecuting my enemies.

"Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong."

I just asked myself... what would John DeLorean do?

I will make you shorter by the head.

Who's scruffy-looking?

Since a politician never believes what he says, he is surprised when others believe him.

Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at reasonable prices? Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's build a home center. And before long ho

Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.

Genius is pain.

If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all.

Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill gives us modern art.

Watch your mouth, kid, or you'll find yourself floating home.

Not all who own a harp are harpers.

May you live in uninteresting times.

If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, it might well prolong his life.

Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.

Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake?

Art is a jealous mistress.

A little bit of rape is good for a man's soul.

Mundus vult decipi decipiatur ergo.

Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody.

A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.