I went to my mother and told her I intended to commence a different life. I asked for and obtained her blessing and at once commenced the career of a robber.

Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

The means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers, always end up on their ends without any means.

The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.

Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep". Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference: "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling." Obvious, isn't

The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization.

An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad to lie and intrigue for the benefit of his country.

Carol's head ached as she trailed behind the unsmiling Calibrees along the block of booths. She chirruped at Kennicott, "Let's be wild! Let's ride on the merry-go-round and grab a gold ring!" Kennicott considered it, and mumbled to Calibree, "Thin

There is no character, howsoever good and fine, but it can be destroyed by ridicule, howsoever poor and witless. Observe the ass, for instance: his character is about perfect, he is the choicest spirit among all the humbler animals, yet see what rid

May you live in uninteresting times.

Go to the Scriptures... the joyful promises it contains will be a balsam to all your troubles.

Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives.

I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual becoming, with a goal in front and not behin

A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than he could be elected Pope of Rome. Both high posts are reserved for men favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter facts of life in bandages of self-illus

No group of professionals meets except to conspire against the public at large.

I try not to break the rules but merely to test their elasticity.

Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.

"Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong."

Force has no place where there is need of skill.

All the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow.

The Puritan hated bear-baiting, not because it gave pain to the bear, but because it gave pleasure to the spectators.

There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum.

Seeing that death, a necessary end, Will come when it will come.

The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being as his Father, in the womb of a virgin will be classified with the fable of the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter. But we may hope that the dawn of reason and

It is a lesson which all history teaches wise men, to put trust in ideas, and not in circumstances.

Education is what survives when what has been learnt has been forgotten.

I think the world is run by C students.

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.

The universe is made of stories, not of atoms.

Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich and powerful know that he is.

There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true.

To teach is to learn twice.

My advice to the women's clubs of America is to raise more hell and fewer dahlias.

You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for freedom and liberty.

Too much is just enough.

"The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as we could with both of them."

... we must not judge the society of the future by considering whether or not we should like to live in it; the question is whether those who have grown up in it will be happier than those who have grown up in our society or those of the past.

You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence that it is not utterly absurd; indeed, in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind, a widespread belief is more often likely to be foolish than sensible.

New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.

Rembrandt is not to be compared in the painting of character with our extraordinarily gifted English artist, Mr. Rippingille.

America, how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood?

Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.

Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere. Climb the mountain just a little to test it's a mountain. From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain.

Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.

I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.

Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop writing.

I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.

Who can take the demands of the SDS seriously?

Knowledge is power.

To defend the Saigon regime is not worth one more human life.

Practical politics consists in ignoring facts.

An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him. "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a mi

Politics are almost as exciting as war, and quite as dangerous. In war, you can only be killed once.

Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century. Politics is about surviving until Friday afternoon.

The fact that people are poor or discriminated against doesn't necessarily endow them with any special qualities of justice, nobility, charity or compassion.

Indeed, the first noble truth of Buddhism, usually translated as `all life is suffering,' is more accurately rendered `life is filled with a sense of pervasive unsatisfactoriness.'

Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time. So long as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental hooks into, there is room for lateral movement. Once this begins, its rate is a matter of discretion.

In the plot, people came to the land; the land loved them; they worked and struggled and had lots of children. There was a Frenchman who talked funny and a greenhorn from England who was a fancy-pants but when it came to the crunch he was all courag

The trouble with opportunity is that it always comes disguised as hard work.

The faster we go, the rounder we get.

One learns to itch where one can scratch.

Awash with unfocused desire, Everett twisted the lobe of his one remaining ear and felt the presence of somebody else behind him, which caused terror to push through his nervous system like a flash flood roaring down the mid-fork of the Feather River

It is the business of the future to be dangerous.

A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around she deserved.

If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.

For if there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life.

It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.

Here's to women. Would that we could fall into her arms without falling into her hands.

Alas, how love can trifle with itself!

Things are not always what they seem.

Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life.

Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little more time for dreaming.

Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the men are strong, the women are pretty, and the children are above-average.

Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you awfully comfortable while you're being miserable.

He that bringeth a present, findeth the door open.

The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind.

In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence ... in time every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is incompetent to carry out its duties ... Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.

TO THOSE OF YOU WHO DESIRE IT, I GRANT YOU MADRAK'S BLESSING: Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you may have done or failed to do which requires for

There's small choice in rotten apples.

I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness; And from that full meridian of my glory I haste now to my setting. I shall fall, Like a bright exhalation in the evening And no man see me more.

Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.

There is no fool to the old fool.

Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than being flat broke and having a stomach ache.

It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look, which morally we can do. T

Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of dollars: For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your tax return around under your armpit. No IRS ag

A critic is a bundle of biases held loosely together by a sense of taste.

In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment was expressed by Thomas K. Co

"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."

All [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is informing, stimulating and ennobling.

I have always noticed that whenever a radical takes to Imperialism, he catches it in a very acute form.

My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my family, it seems, begins where yours left off.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm in my right mind. Then it passes off and I'm as intelligent as ever.

The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.

Men of lofty genius when they are doing the least work are most active.

She ran the gamut of emotions from 'A' to 'B'.

A little bit of rape is good for a man's soul.

I have gained this by philosophy: that I do without being commanded what others do only from fear of the law.

When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane."

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should therefore be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated. If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to declare war and they are screened at onc

Tip O'Neill is just like Congress; old, fat and out of control.

Beauty is one of the rare things which does not lead to doubt of God.

How should they answer?

There is perhaps in every thing of any consequence, secret history, which it would be amusing to know, could we have it authentically communicated.

One hundred women are not worth a single testicle.

Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind the tree."

In my experience, if you have to keep the lavatory door shut by extending your left leg, it's modern architecture.

Naked children have never played in _o_u_r fountains, and I.M. Pei will never be happy on Route 66.

God instructs the heart, not by ideas, but by pains and contradictions.

Out of sight is out of mind.

A good name lost is seldom regained. When character is gone, all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever.

It is a wise father that knows his own child.

There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Pope.

It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed.

When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to pieces like this but we all have to

The streets were dark with something more than night.

We're all in this alone.

Theology is an attempt to explain a subject by men who do not understand it. The intent is not to tell the truth but to satisfy the questioner.

Fortune's Guide to Freshman Notetaking: WHEN THE PROFESSOR SAYS: YOU WRITE: Probably the greatest quality of the poetry John Milton

In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.

When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is not far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere.

Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow!

Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist drivel; Star Trek can turn your brains to puree of bat guano; and the greatest science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll take you all on, one-by-one or all in a bunc

The life which is unexamined is not worth living.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

The Almighty in His infinite wisdom did not see fit to create Frenchmen in the image of Englishmen.

Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.

The Poems, all three hundred of them, may be summed up in one of their phrases: "Let our thoughts be correct".

Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest men in national government too.

Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high, they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.

It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure.

We are upping our standards ... so up yours.

The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.

"The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain."

The trouble with this country is that there are too many politicians who believe, with a conviction based on experience, that you can fool all of the people all of the time.

As failures go, attempting to recall the past is like trying to grasp the meaning of existence. Both make one feel like a baby clutching at a basketball: one's palms keep sliding off.

Success is the sole earthly judge of right and wrong.

The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.

The doctrine of human equality reposes on this: that there is no man really clever who has not found that he is stupid.

It is through symbols that man consciously or unconsciously lives, works and has his being.

Every cloud engenders not a storm.

Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune.

The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate knowledge of its ugly side.

Gratitude and treachery are merely the two extremities of the same procession. You have seen all of it that is worth staying for when the band and the gaudy officials have gone by.

Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

I am convinced that the truest act of courage is to sacrifice ourselves for others in a totally nonviolent struggle for justice. To be a man is to suffer for others.

"They make a desert and call it peace."

Those who have had no share in the good fortunes of the mighty Often have a share in their misfortunes.

Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.

"My country, right or wrong" is a thing that no patriot would think of saying, except in a desperate case. It is like saying "My mother, drunk or sober."

Your wig steers the gig.

The error of youth is to believe that intelligence is a substitute for experience, while the error of age is to believe experience is a substitute for intelligence.

My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it.

When eating an elephant take one bite at a time.

Many a long dispute between divines may thus be abridged: It is so. It is not so. It is so. It is not so.

There is no act of treachery or mean-ness of which a political party is not capable; for in politics there is no honour.

Life is too short to be taken seriously.

In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment was expressed by Thomas K. Co

The salary of the chief executive of the large corporation is not a market award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal gesture by the individual to himself.

It's not easy, being green.

Like, if I'm not for me, then fer shure, like who will be? And if, y'know, if I'm not like fer anyone else, then hey, I mean, what am I? And if not now, like I dunno, maybe like when? And if not Who, then I dunno, maybe like the Rolling Stones?

Let your conscience be your guide.

It is not the critic who counts, or how the strong man stumbled, or whether the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives vali

Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.

We all declare for liberty, but in using the same word we do not all mean the same thing.

"I understand this is your first dead client," Sabian was saying. The absurdity of the statement made me want to laugh but they don't call me Deadpan Allie and lie.

No two persons ever read the same book.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

If we can ever make red tape nutritional, we can feed the world.

Think lucky. If you fall in a pond, check your pockets for fish.

You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for independence.

There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish.

The only happiness lies in reason; all the rest of the world is dismal. The highest reason, however, I see in the work of the artist, and he may experience it as such. Happiness lies in the swiftness of feeling and thinking: all the rest of the worl

Another day, another dollar.

A myth is a religion in which no-one any longer believes.

If Jesus Christ came to this town, people would say, great guy; terrible carpenter.

After the game the king and the pawn go in the same box.

Who does not trust enough will not be trusted.

Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else; this is not advice, it is merely custom.

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.

But if you wish at once to do nothing and to be respectable nowdays, the best pretext is to be at work on some profound study.

If built in great numbers, motels will be used for nothing but illegal purposes.

Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away someone else's cash.

Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.

"Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western religion, Rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western science."

What luck for the rulers that men do not think.

We are governed not by armies and police but by ideas.

It's easier to take it apart than to put it back together.

I've got a very bad feeling about this.

Piece of cake!

"Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun."

Scratch the average female and you'll find a purring bundle... at the ready to love and honor, bake a torte and still produce quintuplets.

Plots are like girdles. Hidden, they hold your interest; revealed, they're of no interest except to fetishists. Like girdles, they attempt to contain an uncontainable experience.

There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life is the process of discovering them over and over and over.

Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their handbags are full.

If you aren't rich you should always look useful.

Well, he didn't know what to do, so he decided to look at the government, to see what they did, and scale it down and run his life that way.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.

"What's this? Trix? Aunt! Trix? You? You're after the prize! What is it?" He picked up the box and studied the back. "A glow-in-the-dark squid! Have you got it out of there yet?" He tilted the box, angling the little colored balls of cereal

I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the Roman Church, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant Church, nor by any Church that I know of. My own mind is my own Church.

She applies her lipstick in spite of its contents: "greasy rouge, containing crushed and dried insect corpses for coloring, beeswax for stiffness, and olive oil to help it flow - the latter having the unfortunate tendency to go rancid several hours a

One thing I have no worry about is whether God exists. But it has occurred to me that God has Alzheimer's and has forgotten we exist.

The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner.

All of us should treasure his Oriental wisdom and his preaching of a Zen-like detachment, as exemplified by his constant reminder to clerks, tellers, or others who grew excited by his presence in their banks: "Just lie down on the floor and keep calm

HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., motion that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate amendment making changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. The Senate amendment was an amendment to the

The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped marker.

Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions.

The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used.

I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs.

"Rights" is a fictional abstraction. No one has "Rights", neither machines nor flesh-and-blood. Persons... have opportunities, not rights, which they use or do not use.

[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity: (1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a

Lay on, MacDuff, and curs'd be him who first cries, "Hold, enough!".

Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer.

Three minutes' thought would suffice to find this out; but thought is irksome and three minutes is a long time.

Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not, when a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and apparently incoherent songs. I was myself within the circle, so that I neither saw nor heard as those without might

The genius of our ruling class is that it has kept a majority of the people from ever questioning the inequity of a system where most people drudge along paying heavy taxes for which they get nothing in return.

Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp. It's 2 cents for postage and 30 cents for storage.

My own life has been spent chronicling the rise and fall of human systems, and I am convinced that we are terribly vulnerable. ... We should be reluctant to turn back upon the frontier of this epoch. Space is indifferent to what we do; it has no fe

There's no such thing as an original sin.

Let us never negotiate out of fear, but let us never fear to negotiate.

The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr.

Competitive fury is not always anger. It is the true missionary's courage and zeal in facing the possibility that one's best may not be enough.

Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York City. One is "Hey, taxi." Two is, "What train do I take to get to Bloomingdale's?" And three is, "Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound."

Lo! Men have become the tool of their tools.

A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!

Well, don't worry about it... It's nothing.

Nitwit ideas are for emergencies. You use them when you've got nothing else to try. If they work, they go in the Book. Otherwise you follow the Book, which is largely a collection of nitwit ideas that worked.

If you live long enough, you'll see that every victory turns into a defeat.

God helps them that help themselves.

"We should declare war on North Vietnam. We could pave the whole country and put parking strips on it, and still be home by Christmas."

Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images.

Anyone who has had a bull by the tail knows five or six more things than someone who hasn't.

What a strange game. The only winning move is not to play.

There never was a good war or a bad peace.

A good reputation is more valuable than money.

It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim of infanticide.

We rarely find anyone who can say he has lived a happy life, and who, content with his life, can retire from the world like a satisfied guest.

When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship.

We were so poor we couldn't afford a watchdog. If we heard a noise at night, we'd bark ourselves.

When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before the white men came, an Indian said simply "Ours."

When I came back to Dublin I was courtmartialed in my absence and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.

[Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable.

"Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like `Amadeus'? I could have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing."

We should have a Vollyballocracy. We elect a six-pack of presidents. Each one serves until they screw up, at which point they rotate.

"Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends."

Littering is dumb.

War hath no fury like a non-combatant.

To jaw-jaw is better than to war-war.

The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them a real tax question, such as how you can cheat,

The true way goes over a rope which is not stretched at any great height but just above the ground. It seems more designed to make people stumble than to be walked upon.

All bad precedents began as justifiable measures.

A sequel is an admission that you've been reduced to imitating yourself.

The trouble is, there is an endless supply of White Men, but there has always been a limited number of Human Beings.

Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.

The road to Hades is easy to travel.

Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting.

Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it.

The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarian tribe now stacking wood at her nubile feet, when the strong clear voice of the poetic and heroic Handsomas roared, 'Flick your Bic, cr

Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying.

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.

One of your most ancient writers, a historian named Herodotus, tells of a thief who was to be executed. As he was taken away he made a bargain with the king: in one year he would teach the king's favorite horse to sing hymns. The other prisoners wa

"Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in exchange for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday. Mannis feels he must devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might emanate from a recent statement he made compar

The 'A' is for content, the 'minus' is for not typing it. Don't ever do this to my eyes again.

[Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there.

Well, the handwriting is on the floor.

Who goeth a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing.

A witty saying proves nothing.

Grig (the navigator): ... so you see, it's just the two of us against the entire space armada. Alex (the gunner): What?!? Grig: I've always wanted to fight a desperate battle against overwhelming odds. Alex: It'll be a slaughter! Grig: That'

You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in.

Vote early and vote often.

Swerve me? The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails, whereon my soul is grooved to run. Over unsounded gorges, through the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly I rush!

"I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it."

Alas, I am dying beyond my means.

Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.

It'll be just like Beggars' Canyon back home.

Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy.

(1) Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood. (2) If your stomach antagonizes you, pacify it with cool thoughts. (3) Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move. (4) Go very lightly on the vices, such as carrying on in society, as

"Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men and women, such as are we all? And thus happi

Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits.

Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.

Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.

I consider a new device or technology to have been culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder.

We cannot put the face of a person on a stamp unless said person is deceased. My suggestion, therefore, is that you drop dead.

Liberty don't work as good in practice as it does in speeches.

IF I HAD A MINE SHAFT, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way.

Luke, I'm yer father, eh. Come over to the dark side, you hoser.

An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest.

If any man wishes to be humbled and mortified, let him become president of Harvard.

Time as he grows old teaches all things.

A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday.

Very few things happen at the right time, and the rest do not happen at all. The conscientious historian will correct these defects.

My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed.

Tempt not a desperate man.

A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator.

Faith is under the left nipple.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.

What makes you think graduate school is supposed to be satisfying?

The future not being born, my friend, we will abstain from baptizing it.

I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men

It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.

So many men, so many opinions; every one his own way.

Mum's the word.

Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for even the greatest fool may ask more the the wisest man can answer.

You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove.

Unknown person(s) stole the American flag from its pole in Etra Park sometime between 3pm Jan 17 and 11:30 am Jan 20. The flag is described as red, white and blue, having 50 stars and was valued at $40.

Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish.

A word to the wise is enough.

"Remember, if it's being done correctly, here or abroad, it's ___not the U.S. Army doing it!"

A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.

I think we are in Rats' Alley where the dead men lost their bones.

A sect or party is an elegant incognito devised to save a man from the vexation of thinking.

Indiana is a state dedicated to basketball. Basketball, soybeans, hogs and basketball. Berkeley, needless to say, is not nearly as athletic. Berkeley is dedicated to coffee, angst, potholes and coffee.

History shows that the human mind, fed by constant accessions of knowledge, periodically grows too large for its theoretical coverings, and bursts them asunder to appear in new habiliments, as the feeding and growing grub, at intervals, casts its too

He hath eaten me out of house and home.

It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters.

Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.

The major sin is the sin of being born.

I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education.

It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too.

The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be able to correct them.

Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it.

If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish.

Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me.

Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, because the stakes are so low.

Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.

The more the merrier.

The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist "Jack."

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

We all live in a state of ambitious poverty.

Someday, Weederman, we'll look back on all this and laugh... It will probably be one of those deep, eerie ones that slowly builds to a blood-curdling maniacal scream... but still it will be a laugh.

The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth.

An aphorism is never exactly true; it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths.

Art is a lie which makes us realize the truth.

Ain't no right way to do a wrong thing.

Political history is far too criminal a subject to be a fit thing to teach children.

You cannot see the wood for the trees.

The less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag.

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it "Christmas" and went to

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time they make a law it's a joke.

Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.