If I could reach, I'd never leave the house.

Use an accordion. Go to jail.

Those who educate children well are more to be honored than parents, for these only gave life, those the art of living well.

The more laws and order are made prominent, the more thieves and robbers there will be.

It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion.

Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations. He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan, then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open market. If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarri

"Richard, in being so fierce toward my vampire, you were doing what you wanted to do, even though you thought it was going to hurt somebody else. He even told you he'd be hurt if..." "He was going to suck my blood!" "Which is what we do to anyone

Many receive advice, few profit by it.

The most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage in the country is the one on which you resell it.

I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.

If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell.

Too much is just enough.

Show business is just like high school, except you get paid.

Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have.

Why, when no honest man will deny in private that every ultimate problem is wrapped in the profoundest mystery, do honest men proclaim in pulpits that unhesitating certainty is the duty of the most foolish and ignorant? Is it not a spectacle to make

"The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as we could with both of them."

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

Let's remind ourselves that last year's fresh idea is today's cliche.

In childhood a woman must be subject to her father; in youth to her husband; when her husband is dead, to her sons. A woman must never be free of subjugation.

Patch griefs with proverbs.

Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock.

Civilization and profits go hand in hand.

So far as we are human, what we do must be either evil or good: so far as we do evil or good, we are human: and it is better, in a paradoxical way, to do evil than to do nothing: at least we exist.

Let the people think they govern and they will be governed.

What we see depends on mainly what we look for.

Why was I born with such contemporaries?

Isn't it nice that people who prefer Los Angeles to San Francisco live there?

Credit ... is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man.

Free Speech Is The Right To Shout 'Theater' In A Crowded Fire.

... why should you waste a single moment of *your* life seeming to be something you don't want to be? Lord, that's so simple. If you hate your job, quit it. If your friends are tedious, go out and find new friends. You are queer, you lucky fool, a

If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied harder.

The Least Successful Equal Pay Advertisement In 1976 the European Economic Community pointed out to the Irish Government that it had not yet implemented the agreed sex equality legislation. The Dublin Government immediately advertised for an equal

It is better to have loved and lost

I'll never get off this planet.

We may not be able to persuade Hindus that Jesus and not Vishnu should govern their spiritual horizon, nor Moslems that Lord Buddha is at the center of their spiritual universe, nor Hebrews that Mohammed is a major prohpet, nor Christians that Shinto

When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is not far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere.

Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know any more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he doesn't know much.

Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think about sex at all... they become lawyers.

If I had done everything I'm credited with, I'd be speaking to you from a laboratory jar at Harvard.

No house should ever be on any hill or on anything. It should be of the hill, belonging to it.

Don't be humble ... you're not that great.

By perseverance the snail reached the Ark.

The final delusion is the belief that one has lost all delusions.

Imagine me going around with a pot belly. It would mean political ruin.

"California is proud to be the home of the freeway."

An honest politician is one who when he is bought will stay bought.

Perhaps the remembrance of these things will prove a source of future pleasure.

I use not only all the brains I have, but all those I can borrow as well.

Indeed, the first noble truth of Buddhism, usually translated as `all life is suffering,' is more accurately rendered `life is filled with a sense of pervasive unsatisfactoriness.'

The genius of our ruling class is that it has kept a majority of the people from ever questioning the inequity of a system where most people drudge along paying heavy taxes for which they get nothing in return.

Nothing will ever be attempted if all possible objections must be first overcome.

Sometimes, at the end of the day, when I'm smiling and shaking their hands, I want to kick them.

The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for lists of "Ten Best".

Something better... 13 (sympathetic): Oh, What happened? Did your parents lose a bet with God? 14 (complimentary): You must love the little birdies to give them this to perch on. 15 (scientific): Say, does that thing there influence the tides?

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they have obtained from books of travel.

Go away, I'm all right.

It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be privileged to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to corrupt the youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles.

Chance is perhaps the work of God when He did not want to sign.

We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to socialism, because socialism is defunct. It dies all by itself. The bad thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say socialism?

Who goeth a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing.

If any man wishes to be humbled and mortified, let him become president of Harvard.

For if there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life.

The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself.

The bay-trees in our country are all wither'd And meteors fright the fixed stars of heaven; The pale-faced moon looks bloody on the earth And lean-look'd prophets whisper fearful change. These signs forerun the death or fall of kings.

A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation. It takes an abundance of imagination, to be sure.

If you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk. If you wish to be happy for three days, get married. If you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it. If you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish.

A Polish worker walks into a bank to deposit his paycheck. He has heard about Poland's economic problems, and he asks what would happen to his money if the bank collapsed. "All of our deposits are guaranteed by the finance ministry, sir," the telle

The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun.

A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the damned things is ample.

I place economy among the first and most important virtues, and public debt as the greatest of dangers to be feared. To preserve our independence, we must not let our rulers load us with perpetual debt. If we run into such debts, we must be taxed i

It's always darkest just before the lights go out.

America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization.

The great nations have always acted like gangsters and the small nations like prostitutes.

One man's Mede is another man's Persian.

"The State of California has no business subsidizing intellectual curiosity."

Modesty is a vastly overrated virtue.

Reality is just a convenient measure of complexity.

A decade after Vietnam, we still cannot understand why "their" Salvadorans fight better than "our" Salvadorans. It is not a matter of their training or their equipment. It has to do with the quality of the society we are asking them to risk death d

No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings.

Everyone is in the best seat.

Going into politics is as fatal to a gentleman as going into a bordello is fatal to a virgin.

The forest is safe because a lion lives therein and the lion is safe because it lives in a forest. Likewise the friendship of persons rests on mutual help.

There can be no daily democracy without daily citizenship.

He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news.

Superstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy have ample wages, but truth goes a-begging.

All religions issue Bibles against Satan, and say the most injurious things against him, but we never hear his side.

After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon to be created." "This is true," He replied.

If you catch a man, throw him back.

The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate knowledge of its ugly side.

I think we are in Rats' Alley where the dead men lost their bones.

The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the House Un-American Activities Committee]. We will determine what rights you have and what rights you have not got.

Lo! Men have become the tool of their tools.

If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism.

The knowledge that makes us cherish innocence makes innocence unattainable.

"It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country. The Greeks never said it was sweet to die for anything. They had no vital lies."

'Scuse me, while I kiss the sky!

Every cloud engenders not a storm.

If a man loses his reverence for any part of life, he will lose his reverence for all of life.

In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable.

Solipsists of the World... you are already united.

The primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO" represents the secondary theme: Law Enforcement Officials The overall theme of SoupCon shall be: Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials

It's very glamorous to raise millions of dollars, until it's time for the venture capitalist to suck your eyeballs out.

Very few blacks will take up golf until the requirement for plaid pants is dropped.

Cold is God's way of teling us to burn more Catholics.

You can never do just one thing.

Someday, Weederman, we'll look back on all this and laugh... It will probably be one of those deep, eerie ones that slowly builds to a blood-curdling maniacal scream... but still it will be a laugh.

The two party system ... is a triumph of the dialectic. It showed that two could be one and one could be two and had probably been fabricated by Hegel for the American market on a subcontract from General Dynamics.

America is a melting pot. You know, where those on the bottom get burned, and the scum rises to the top.

A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth.

You can bring men from other parts of the world who are sane. And you know what happens? At the very moment they cross those mountains... they go mad. Instantaneously and automatically, at the very moment they cross the mountains into California,

What a strange game. The only winning move is not to play.

The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish to be addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified. But it is equally important to accept and tolerate different standards of courtesy, not expecting everyone else to ad

Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.

Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away someone else's cash.

Why attack God? He may be as miserable as we are.

The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch someone else doing it wrong, without commenting.

Laughter is the closest distance between two people.

There's no justice in this world.

I used to be a rebel in my youth. This cause... that cause... (chuckle) I backed 'em ALL! But I learned. Rebellion is simply a device used by the immature to hide from his own problems. So I lost interest in politics. Now when I feel aroused by

For years a secret shame destroyed my peace

There are two kinds of fool. One says, "This is old, and therefore good." And one says, "This is new, and therefore better"

Patience is a minor form of despair, disguised as virtue.

A drama critic is a person who surprises a playwright by informing him what he meant.

If little else, the brain is an educational toy.

To defend the Saigon regime is not worth one more human life.

In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!"

The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.

There are many of us in this old world of ours who hold that things break about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get about the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summer and the poor get it in the winter.

Young men, hear an old man to whom old men hearkened when he was young.

We give advice, but we cannot give the wisdom to profit by it.

The first sign of corruption in a society that is still alive is that the end justifies the means.

The big cities of America are becoming Third World countries.

Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.

I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.

If you aren't rich you should always look useful.

[Maturity consists in the discovery that] there comes a critical moment where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand more and more that there is something which cannot be understood.

Politicians speak for their parties, and parties never are, never have been, and never will be wrong.

The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored.

The only alliance I would make with the Women's Liberation Movement is in bed.

"In Christianity neither morality nor religion come into contact with reality at any point."

Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives.

Too much of everything is just enough.

Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it.

The truth about a man lies first and foremost in what he hides.

An aphorism is never exactly true; it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths.

You can't have your cake and let your neighbor eat it too.

"There is a God, but He drinks"

If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.

Before you ask more questions, think about whether you really want to know the answers.

The streets were dark with something more than night.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer.

... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If somebody gets handed a name like "H.

All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies.

Dignity is like a flag. It flaps in a storm.

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.

Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop writing.

Our sires' age was worse that our grandsires'. We their sons are more worthless than they: so in our turn we shall give the world a progeny yet more corrupt.

No small art is it to sleep: it is necessary for that purpose to keep awake all day.

When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.

Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?

My own life has been spent chronicling the rise and fall of human systems, and I am convinced that we are terribly vulnerable. ... We should be reluctant to turn back upon the frontier of this epoch. Space is indifferent to what we do; it has no fe

Where there is much light there is also much shadow.

I had never been too political, but I knew how white people treated black people and it was hard for me to come back to the bullshit white people put a black person through in this country. To realize you don't have any power to make things differen

Tempt not a desperate man.

Most general statements are false, including this one.

Take what you can use and let the rest go by.

A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time of trouble.

Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches.

I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men

"It's a summons." "What's a summons?" "It means summon's in trouble."

"Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence"

Americans' greatest fear is that America will turn out to have been a phenomenon, not a civilization.

I am convinced that the truest act of courage is to sacrifice ourselves for others in a totally nonviolent struggle for justice. To be a man is to suffer for others.

When neither their poverty nor their honor is touched, the majority of men live content.

Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered. I myself would say that it had merely been detected.

If it doesn't smell yet, it's pretty fresh.

Time goes, you say? Ah no! Time stays, *we* go.

If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce.

If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell, I'd sell the plantation and go home.

Peace cannot be kept by force; it can only be achieved by understanding.

A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than he could be elected Pope of Rome. Both high posts are reserved for men favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter facts of life in bandages of self-illus

A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election.

Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting.

Democracy is good. I say this because other systems are worse.

I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men

Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult.

The nearer to the church, the further from God.

I would much rather have men ask why I have no statue, than why I have one.

The problem that we thought was a problem was, indeed, a problem, but not the problem we thought was the problem.

"MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thoughts."

I used to be disgusted, now I find I'm just amused.

No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have, and I think he's a dirty little beast.

What an author likes to write most is his signature on the back of a cheque.

Joe Cool always spends the first two weeks at college sailing his frisbee.

Once, I read that a man be never stronger than when he truly realizes how weak he is.

You can't learn too soon that the most useful thing about a principle is that it can always be sacrificed to expediency.

"Quite frankly, I don't like you humans. After what you all have done, I find being 'inhuman' a compliment."

He didn't run for reelection. "Politics brings you into contact with all the people you'd give anything to avoid," he said. "I'm staying home."

Praise the sea; on shore remain.

Like ya know? Rock 'N Roll is an esoteric language that unlocks the creativity chambers in people's brains, and like totally activates their essential hipness, which of course is like totally necessary for saving the earth, like because the first th

Why are you doing this to me? Because knowledge is torture, and there must be awareness before there is change.

Burnt Sienna. That's the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas.

Never buy what you do not want because it is cheap; it will be dear to you.

You climb to reach the summit, but once there, discover that all roads lead down.

Lord, what fools these mortals be!

I hate quotations.

If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads.

... [after the announcement of Vanguard] ... Secretary of Defense Charles Wilson (the same "Engine Charlie" who once told the Senate, "[F]or years I've thought that what was good for our country was good for General Motors, and vice versa," probably

Immature poets imitate, mature poets steal.

The better part of valor is discretion.

Dustin Farnum: Why, yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats! Oliver Herford: Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of it!

Put a rogue in the limelight and he will act like an honest man.

It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community a better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to treat your own family with loving un

Everlasting peace will come to the world when the last man has slain the last but one.

A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!

When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the thing," it's the money.

Interesting poll results reported in today's New York Post: people on the street in midtown Manhattan were asked whether they approved of the US invasion of Grenada. Fifty-three percent said yes; 39 percent said no; and 8 percent said "Gimme a quart

To be is to be related.

He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.

Truth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominy of him that brought her birth.

I found Rome a city of bricks and left it a city of marble.

Since we're all here, we must not be all there.

A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.

No man is useless who has a friend, and if we are loved we are indispensable.

Don't vote

I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a toilet seat.

Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp. It's 2 cents for postage and 30 cents for storage.

A definition of teaching: casting fake pearls before real swine.

And tomorrow will be like today, only more so.

Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather a new wearer of clothes.

Chapter 1 The story so far: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

The only way I can lose this election is if I'm caught in bed with a dead girl or a live boy.

God is Dead.

"After I asked him what he meant, he replied that freedom consisted of the unimpeded right to get rich, to use his ability, no matter what the cost to others, to win advancement."

Life is a series of rude awakenings.

Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than being flat broke and having a stomach ache.

Ignorance is never out of style. It was in fashion yesterday, it is the rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow.

Once is happenstance, Twice is coincidence, Three times is enemy action.

The ultimate game show will be the one where somebody gets killed at the end.

'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability.

You've always made the mistake of being yourself.

If you want divine justice, die.

The best portion of a good man's life, his little, nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love.

I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't seem to work.

I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man.

The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions.

To restore a sense of reality, I think Walt Disney should have a Hardluckland.

Then there's the story of the man who avoided reality for 70 years with drugs, sex, alcohol, fantasy, TV, movies, records, a hobby, lots of sleep... And on his 80th birthday died without ever having faced any of his real problems. The man's young

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.

A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation.

A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks.

Any president should have the right to shoot at least two people a year without explanation.

Sic transit gloria mundi. [So passes away the glory of this world.]

Two heads are better than one.

The rule is, jam to-morrow and jam yesterday, but never jam today.

A woman who is unfaithful deserves to be shot.

The mirror sees the man as beautiful, the mirror loves the man; another mirror sees the man as frightful and hates him; and it is always the same being who produces the impressions.

Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.

It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is better still to be a live lion. And usually easier.

You guys have been practicing discrimination for years. Now it's our turn.

The eye is a menace to clear sight, the ear is a menace to subtle hearing, the mind is a menace to wisdom, every organ of the senses is a menace to its own capacity. ... Fuss, the god of the Southern Ocean, and Fret, the god of the Northern Ocean, h

The universe is made of stories, not of atoms.

At twenty-six, Kate, though not promiscuous, had slept with most of the decent men in public life.

Scratch the average female and you'll find a purring bundle... at the ready to love and honor, bake a torte and still produce quintuplets.

In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.

Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people.

Wagner's music is better than it sounds.

The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.

Language is a virus from another planet.

... it still remains true that as a set of cognitive beliefs about the existence of God in any recognizable sense continuous with the great systems of the past, religious doctrines constitute a speculative hypothesis of an extremely low order of prob

Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases.

The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to everybody and still nobody likes him.

The louder he talked of his honour, the faster we counted our spoons.

I shall give a propagandist reason for starting the war, no matter whether it is plausible or not. The victor will not be asked afterwards whether he told the truth or not. When starting and waging war it is not right that matters, but victory.

Man proposes, God disposes.

"If we relied conclusively on scientific data for every one of our findings, I'm afraid all of our work would be inconclusive."

Not all who own a harp are harpers.

"First World" nations are the ones where people drive Japanese cars; "Second World" nations are where First World residents go on vacation; and "Third World" nations are the ones where people still dive out of trees to prove their manhood.

A snake lurks in the grass.

Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away someone else's cash.

As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular.

If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.

Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

When there are two conflicting versions of the story, the wise course is to believe the one in which people appear at their worst.

Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.

Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd be irresponsible, too.

On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are created jerks.

Luke, I'm yer father, eh. Come over to the dark side, you hoser.

Prizes are for children.

I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I tell them the truth and they never believe me.

A rich man told me recently that a liberal is a man who tells other people what to do with their money.

Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

Plots are like girdles. Hidden, they hold your interest; revealed, they're of no interest except to fetishists. Like girdles, they attempt to contain an uncontainable experience.

In the plot, people came to the land; the land loved them; they worked and struggled and had lots of children. There was a Frenchman who talked funny and a greenhorn from England who was a fancy-pants but when it came to the crunch he was all courag

The reasons that each of these countries has had to renege on its financial committments were all somewhat different: Argentina because of a war, Poland because of its vast misguided overinvestment in heavy industry, Honduras because the coffee price

You'd best be snoozin', 'cause you don't be gettin' no work done at 5 a.m. anyway.

Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven't the remotest knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die.

To use violence is to already be defeated.

Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake?

Don't go to bed with no price on your head.

Rome was not built in one day.

The only reward of virtue is virtue.

The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go to erase it.

It's better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all.

It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back.

I would have made a good pope.

The only thing that experience teaches us is that experience teaches us nothing.

There are no great men, only great challenges that ordinary men are forced by circumstances to meet.

It is the wisdom of crocodiles, that shed tears when they would devour.

The future not being born, my friend, we will abstain from baptizing it.

Youth is a blunder, manhood a struggle, old age a regret.

Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they would. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect that much.

Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not spending money alone. It is spending t

All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers ... Each one owes infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in which he was born.

If we spoke a different language, we would perceive a somewhat different world.

A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.

An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see a great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures. I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment. I have given up everything I was aske

Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than we deserve.

Writing is turning one's worst moments into money.

Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it!

Of all men's miseries, the bitterest is this: to know so much and have control over nothing.

The public is an old woman. Let her maunder and mumble.

The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time. The terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of consistency.

God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying other things.

The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president? What is it about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television, that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of industrial waste?

"Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *___can* you believe?!"

When we jumped into Sicily, the units became separated, and I couldn't find anyone. Eventually I stumbled across two colonels, a major, three captains, two lieutenants, and one rifleman, and we secured the bridge. Never in the history of war have s

A public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be too heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which was intended for her preservation.

The propriety of some persons seems to consist in having improper thoughts about their neighbours.

There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Pope.

VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot. This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to

War hath no fury like a non-combatant.

In regards to Oral Roberts' claim that God told him that he would die unless he received $20 million by March, God's lawyers have stated that their client has not spoken with Roberts for several years. Off the record, God has stated that "If I had w

The very first essential for success is a perpetually constant and regular employment of violence.

When you are in the middle of a story it isn't a story at all, but only a confusion; a dark roaring, a blindness, a wreckage of shattered glass and splintered wood, like a house in a whirlwind, or else a boat crushed by the icebergs or swept over the

A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel.

Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves.

He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace.

I needed the good will of the legislature of four states. I formed the legislative bodies with my own money. I found that it was cheaper that way.

"She said, `I know you ... you cannot sing'. I said, `That's nothing, you should hear me play piano.'"

Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done.

I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual becoming, with a goal in front and not behin

Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.

If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, it might well prolong his life.

Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind the railroad yards."