The average Ph.D thesis is nothing but the transference of bones from one graveyard to another.

A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.

A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.

By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death.

Turn the other cheek.

Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather a new wearer of clothes.

I BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on the same day. Then that night, they burned the wheel.

Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.

What soon grows old? Gratitude.

(1) Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood. (2) If your stomach antagonizes you, pacify it with cool thoughts. (3) Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move. (4) Go very lightly on the vices, such as carrying on in society, as

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

Piece of cake!

TV is chewing gum for the eyes.

[He] took me into his library and showed me his books, of which he had a complete set.

Man is the measure of all things.

With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time they make a law it's a joke.

Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.

Just once I would like to persuade the audience not to wear any article of blue denim. If only they could see themselves in a pair of brown corduroys like mine instead of this awful, boring blue denim. I don't enjoy the sky or sea as much as I used

Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.

Have the courage to take your own thoughts seriously, for they will shape you.

I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches.

I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some kind of loophole.

It is up to us to produce better-quality movies.

If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.

Another day, another dollar.

Satire is tragedy plus time.

Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it.

Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort of like a shell leaving the nut behind.

... a thing called Ethics, whose nature was confusing but if you had it you were a High-Class Realtor and if you hadn't you were a shyster, a piker and a fly-by-night. These virtues awakened Confidence and enabled you to handle Bigger Propositions.

Man must shape his tools lest they shape him.

According to my best recollection, I don't remember.

No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the Continent, a part of the maine; if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea, Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne we

Philosophy will clip an angel's wings.

The Israelis are the Doberman pinschers of the Middle East. They treat the Arabs like postmen.

Imagine what we can imagine!

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

Men will fuck mud.

Only those who leisurely approach that which the masses are busy about can be busy about that which the masses take leisurely.

Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation. In an instant, armed troops surroun

Grig (the navigator): ... so you see, it's just the two of us against the entire space armada. Alex (the gunner): What?!? Grig: I've always wanted to fight a desperate battle against overwhelming odds. Alex: It'll be a slaughter! Grig: That'

She applies her lipstick in spite of its contents: "greasy rouge, containing crushed and dried insect corpses for coloring, beeswax for stiffness, and olive oil to help it flow - the latter having the unfortunate tendency to go rancid several hours a

You can fool all the people all of the time if the advertising is right and the budget is big enough.

...He who laughs does not believe in what he laughs at, but neither does he hate it. Therefore, laughing at evil means not preparing oneself to combat it, and laughing at good means denying the power through which good is self-propagating.

Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you awfully comfortable while you're being miserable.

To know Edina is to reject it.

Unprovided with original learning, unformed in the habits of thinking, unskilled in the arts of composition, I resolved to write a book.

A highly intelligent man should take a primitive woman. Imagine if on top of everything else, I had a woman who interfered with my work.

The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions.

The ultimate game show will be the one where somebody gets killed at the end.

Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities, requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by tur

Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all.

Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for even the greatest fool may ask more the the wisest man can answer.

"Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever

Those who educate children well are more to be honored than parents, for these only gave life, those the art of living well.

You can observe a lot just by watching.

Go ahead... make my day.

It is annoying to be honest to no purpose.

Or you or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company.

Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped.

"What was the worst thing you've ever done?" "I won't tell you that, but I'll tell you the worst thing that ever happened to me... the most dreadful thing."

Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around us in awareness.

Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.

Yet creeds mean very little, Coth answered the dark god, still speaking almost gently. The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.

Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women it is merely a good excuse not to play football.

If I could reach, I'd never leave the house.

There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

A game can by God repent or we'll punish it. That's how they did it in Salem in the seventeenth century, and that's how we'll do it now.

Don't guess

Rotten wood cannot be carved.

Nothing recedes like success.

Credit ... is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man.

"Well, it's garish, ugly, and derelicts have used it for a toilet. The rides are dilapidated to the point of being lethal, and could easily maim or kill innocent little children." "Oh, so you don't like it?" "Don't like it? I'm CRAZY for it."

She ran the gamut of emotions from 'A' to 'B'.

When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.

An actor's a guy who if you ain't talkin' about him, ain't listening.

"She said, `I know you ... you cannot sing'. I said, `That's nothing, you should hear me play piano.'"

Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest amount of hot air.

America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up.

Never have so many understood so little about so much.

Look, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters, con-men. That's the way businesses get started. That's the way this country was built.

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back the when it begins to rain.

Education is what survives when what has been learnt has been forgotten.

All hope abandon, ye who enter here!

Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground

The last vestiges of the old Republic have been swept away.

Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich and powerful know that he is.

It is so stupid of modern civilisation to have given up believing in the devil when he is the only explanation of it.

Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill gives us modern art.

A dead man cannot bite.

I hate quotations.

Those who do things in a noble spirit of self-sacrifice are to be avoided at all costs.

I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of the sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for you are loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway.

In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment was expressed by Thomas K. Co

A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks.

"Necessity is the mother of invention" is a silly proverb. "Necessity is the mother of futile dodges" is much nearer the truth.

One of my favorite jokes, a telling commentary on Jewish mothers' capacity to lay on guilt, involves the mother who gave her son two neckties on Chanuka. The boy hurried into his bedroom, ripped off the tie he was wearing, put on one of the ties his

Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little more time for dreaming.

Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away?

The possession of a book becomes a substitute for reading it.

If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women you've got in the house.

Instead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better.

The 'A' is for content, the 'minus' is for not typing it. Don't ever do this to my eyes again.

A journey of a thousand miles starts under one's feet.

France is a country where the money falls apart and you can't tear the toilet paper.

I know not how I came into this, shall I call it a dying life or a living death?

The road to Hades is easy to travel.

Just remember, wherever you go, there you are.

We were so poor we couldn't afford a watchdog. If we heard a noise at night, we'd bark ourselves.

The profession of book writing makes horse racing seem like a solid, stable business.

There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need the money; the second that you have something to say that you think the world should know; the third is that you can't think what to do with the long winter evenings.

If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it around. Trouble creates a capacity to handle it. I don't say embrace trouble; that's as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say meet it as a friend, for you'll see a lot of it and y

A violent man will die a violent death.

It is better to live rich than to die rich.

What we do not understand we do not possess.

XLI: The more one produces, the less one gets. XLII: Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite testing. XLIII: Hardware works best when it matters the least. XLIV: Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a we

What!? Me worry?

If a thing's worth having, it's worth cheating for.

What fools these mortals be.

They can't stop us... we're on a mission from God!

Never look a gift horse in the mouth.

Confucius say too much.

We can embody the truth, but we cannot know it.

Ninety percent of everything is crap.

I understand why you're confused. You're thinking too much.

Television is now so desperately hungry for material that it is scraping the top of the barrel.

One learns to itch where one can scratch.

Use an accordion. Go to jail.

Call on God, but row away from the rocks.

Nothing endures but change.

Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

The faster we go, the rounder we get.

In the highest society, as well as in the lowest, woman is merely an instrument of pleasure.

"The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain."

It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.

"You mean, if you allow the master to be uncivil, to treat you any old way he likes, and to insult your dignity, then he may deem you fit to hear his view of things?" "Quite the contrary. You must defend your integrity, assuming you have integrit

For myself, I can only say that I am astonished and somewhat terrified at the results of this evening's experiments. Astonished at the wonderful power you have developed, and terrified at the thought that so much hideous and bad music may be put on

It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters.

Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.

If what they've been doing hasn't solved the problem, tell them to do something else.

Yawd [noun, Bostonese]: the campus of Have Id.

If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.

When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.

There's no such thing as a free lunch.

Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.

So you think that money is the root of all evil. Have you ever asked what is the root of money?

To accuse others for one's own misfortunes is a sign of want of education. To accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun. To accuse neither oneself nor others shows that one's education is complete.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment.

My band career ended late in my senior year when John Cooper and I threw my amplifier out the dormitory window. We did not act in haste. First we checked to make sure the amplifier would fit through the frame, using the belt from my bathrobe to meas

I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.

Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying.

Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall on our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!!

When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life.

There are two ways of disliking art. One is to dislike it. The other is to like it rationally.

The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey.

Your wig steers the gig.

Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.

Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.

Money doesn't talk, it swears.

Here's to women. Would that we could fall into her arms without falling into her hands.

We Americans, we're a simple people... but piss us off, and we'll bomb your cities.

Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune.

Haste makes waste.

If you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk. If you wish to be happy for three days, get married. If you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it. If you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish.

If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.

Prizes are for children.

Mike: "The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?" Bernie: "Nobody ever empties the ashtrays. People are SO inconsiderate."

The more the merrier.

There is no comfort without pain; thus we define salvation through suffering.

Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these.

"We're not talking about the same thing," he said. "For you the world is weird because if you're not bored with it you're at odds with it. For me the world is weird because it is stupendous, awesome, mysterious, unfathomable; my interest has been to

You are never given a wish without also being given the power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however.

Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very opposite applies with the judges.

As well look for a needle in a bottle of hay.

Acting is not very hard. The most important things are to be able to laugh and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. And if I have to laugh, well, I think of my sex life.

Everyone is in the best seat.

For every bloke who makes his mark, there's half a dozen waiting to rub it out.

The streets were dark with something more than night.

The eye is a menace to clear sight, the ear is a menace to subtle hearing, the mind is a menace to wisdom, every organ of the senses is a menace to its own capacity. ... Fuss, the god of the Southern Ocean, and Fret, the god of the Northern Ocean, h

Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there.

The Worst Car Hire Service When David Schwartz left university in 1972, he set up Rent-a-wreck as a joke. Being a natural prankster, he acquired a fleet of beat-up shabby, wreckages waiting for the scrap heap in California. He put on a cap and lo

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Better tried by twelve than carried by six.

Leave no stone unturned.

Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she lived with was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always getting pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to the farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd w

Art is anything you can get away with.

"Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work"

Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop writing.

Wishing without work is like fishing without bait.

A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students.

Thou hast seen nothing yet.

I have had my television aerials removed. It's the moral equivalent of a prostate operation.

Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with a valentine.

Practice yourself what you preach.

Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you will pay only the station-to-station rate.

... before I could come to any conclusion it occurred to me that my speech or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility. What did it matter what anyone knew or ignored? What did it matter who was manager? One gets sometimes s

Many of the characters are fools and they are always playing tricks on me and treating me badly.

Why be a man when you can be a success?

Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.

Not all who own a harp are harpers.

Believe everything you hear about the world; nothing is too impossibly bad.

Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it!

Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia because they were liars. The truth was that Plato knew philosophers couldn't compete successfully with poets.

Porsche: there simply is no substitute.

Don't go to bed with no price on your head.

Standards are different for all things, so the standard set by man is by no means the only 'certain' standard. If you mistake what is relative for something certain, you have strayed far from the ultimate truth.

We'll be recording at the Paradise Friday night. Live, on the Death label.

Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.

VI: A hungry dog hunts best. A hungrier dog hunts even better. VII: Decreased business base increases overhead. So does increased business base. VIII: The most unsuccessful four years in the education of a cost-estimator is fifth grade ari

It is bad luck to be superstitious.

"What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?"

In breeding cattle you need one bull for every twenty-five cows, unless the cows are known sluts.

The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average Russian's readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement of some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet reflection followed by sudden preventi

You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

"We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!"

Never tell people how to do things. Tell them WHAT to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.

I am America's child, a spastic slogging on demented limbs drooling I'll trade my PhD for a telephone voice.

Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine.

The world is full of people who have never, since childhood, met an open doorway with an open mind.

There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit at a typewriter and open a vein.

As Gen. de Gaulle occassionally acknowledges America to be the daughter of Europe, so I am pleased to come to Yale, the daughter of Harvard.

Term, holidays, term, holidays, till we leave school, and then work, work, work till we die.

Yevtushenko has... an ego that can crack crystal at a distance of twenty feet.

Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere. Climb the mountain just a little to test it's a mountain. From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain.

Real wealth can only increase.

Live fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway!

I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.

Hard reality has a way of cramping your style.

From the cradle to the coffin underwear comes first.

He thought of Musashi, the Sword Saint, standing in his garden more than three hundred years ago. "What is the 'Body of a rock'?" he was asked. In answer, Musashi summoned a pupil of his and bid him kill himself by slashing his abdomen with a knife.

No excellent soul is exempt from a mixture of madness.

Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks.

The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

What an author likes to write most is his signature on the back of a cheque.

Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.

In the long run we are all dead.

The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobb

Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done.

Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money.

I'll turn over a new leaf.

Force has no place where there is need of skill.

Facts are the enemy of truth.

Art is either plagiarism or revolution.

Anything that is worth doing has been done frequently. Things hitherto undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth.

The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate knowledge of its ugly side.

The future is a race between education and catastrophe.

Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in.

Woman is generally so bad that the difference between a good and a bad woman scarcely exists.

Sensible and responsible women do not want to vote.

You always introduce the younger person to the older person, using the wording: "Miss Brown, I'd like to introduce you to an older person" (unless her name is not "Miss Brown"). If you do not know a person's age, ask for a driver's license and a ma

The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning, and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished.

It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look, which morally we can do. T

'Naomi, sex at noon taxes.' I moan. Never odd or even. A man, a plan, a canal, Panama. Madam, I'm Adam. Sit on a potato pan, Otis. Sit on Otis.

To teach is to learn twice.

The fact that it works is immaterial.

You can't run away forever, But there's nothing wrong with getting a good head start.

In spite of everything, I still believe that people are good at heart.

A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.

If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.

Public use of any portable music system is a virtually guaranteed indicator of sociopathic tendencies.

He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue.

Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity. They seem more afraid of life than death.

It has been said [by Anatole France], "it is not by amusing oneself that one learns," and, in reply: "it is *____only* by amusing oneself that one can learn."

A full belly makes a dull brain.

I'm going to raise an issue and stick it in your ear.

If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.

When the ax entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us!"

Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses, is in the eye of the beholder.

It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim of infanticide.

Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all.

I consider a new device or technology to have been culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder.

Superstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy have ample wages, but truth goes a-begging.

No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.

Age before beauty; and pearls before swine.

Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think about sex at all... they become lawyers.

A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.

One good turn deserves another.

My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my family, it seems, begins where yours left off.

If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know.

Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, because the stakes are so low.

Littering is dumb.

Love the sea? I dote upon it

The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes, respectability and children. Nothing can lift those seven milestones from man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the milestones are lifted.

A sinking ship gathers no moss.

If you know the answer to a question, don't ask.

There's no such thing as an original sin.

Nitwit ideas are for emergencies. You use them when you've got nothing else to try. If they work, they go in the Book. Otherwise you follow the Book, which is largely a collection of nitwit ideas that worked.

When you die, you lose a very important part of your life.

Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books.

We're fantastically incredibly sorry for all these extremely unreasonable things we did. I can only plead that my simple, barely-sentient friend and myself are underprivileged, deprived and also college students.

If ever the pleasure of one has to be bought by the pain of the other, there better be no trade. A trade by which one gains and the other loses is a fraud.

Plastic... Aluminum... These are the inheritors of the Universe! Flesh and Blood have had their day... and that day is past!

Five bicycles make a volkswagen, seven make a truck.

There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

The price of success in philosophy is triviality.

The world has many unintentionally cruel mechanisms that are not designed for people who walk on their hands.

Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long.

The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of management is that success equals skill.

Adde parvum parvo manus acervus erit. [Add little to little and there will be a big pile.]

The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.

The error of youth is to believe that intelligence is a substitute for experience, while the error of age is to believe experience is a substitute for intelligence.

Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.

"There is no Father Christmas. It's just a marketing ploy to make low income parents' lives a misery." "... I want you to picture the trusting face of a child, streaked with tears because of what you just said." "I want you to picture the face of

The faster I go, the behinder I get.

Mental power tended to corrupt, and absolute intelligence tended to corrupt absolutely, until the victim eschewed violence entirely in favor of smart solutions to stupid problems.

Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life.

There's no justice in this world.

If you want divine justice, die.

It doesn't matter whether you win or lose

A good name lost is seldom regained. When character is gone, all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever.

Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent and original in your work.

All phone calls are obscene.

"Spare no expense to save money on this one."

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the kind of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled substances being in widespread use. Back then, there were no restrictions, in terms of talent, on who could make

An atom-blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways.

Rascal, am I? Take THAT!

Luck, that's when preparation and opportunity meet.

Lay off the muses, it's a very tough dollar.

It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim of infanticide.

When the speaker and he to whom he is speaks do not understand, that is metaphysics.

Rembrandt is not to be compared in the painting of character with our extraordinarily gifted English artist, Mr. Rippingille.

Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow!

Sic transit gloria mundi. [So passes away the glory of this world.]

A witty saying proves nothing.

I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two highly trained certified public accountants.

I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs.

God was satisfied with his own work, and that is fatal.

When the sun shineth, make hay.

He that teaches himself has a fool for a master.

Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamp-post how it feels about dogs.

I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men

What does education often do? It makes a straight cut ditch of a free meandering brook.

I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education.

Ever get the feeling that the world's on tape and one of the reels is missing?

The sunlights differ, but there is only one darkness.

No one born with a mouth and a need is "innocent".

The only alliance I would make with the Women's Liberation Movement is in bed.

To add insult to injury.

The chief enemy of creativity is "good" sense

The `loner' may be respected, but he is always resented by his colleagues, for he seems to be passing a critical judgment on them, when he may be simply making a limiting statement about himself.

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.

He who fears the unknown may one day flee from his own backside.

I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.

It's always darkest just before the lights go out.

Somehow I reached excess without ever noticing when I was passing through satisfaction.