You may my glories and my state dispose, But not my griefs; still am I king of those.

October 12, the Discovery. It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.

If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it.

It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim of infanticide.

If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it around. Trouble creates a capacity to handle it. I don't say embrace trouble; that's as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say meet it as a friend, for you'll see a lot of it and y

As long as there are entrenched social and political distinctions between sexes, races or classes, there will be forms of science whose main function is to rationalize and legitimize these distinctions.

The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go to erase it.

Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it!

When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see the sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten.

True to our past we work with an inherited, observed, and accepted vision of personal futility, and of the beauty of the world.

Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent.

Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically but oblivious to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank, and due to an overdose of flouride as a child

Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business. Cheat.

If what they've been doing hasn't solved the problem, tell them to do something else.

Tempt not a desperate man.

This is the first age that's paid much attention to the future, which is a little ironic since we may not have one.

Under every stone lurks a politician.

The white race is the cancer of history.

If they were so inclined, they could impeach him because they don't like his necktie.

It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look, which morally we can do. T

"I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment."

There is no act of treachery or mean-ness of which a political party is not capable; for in politics there is no honour.

During almost fifteen centuries the legal establishment of Christianity has been upon trial. What has been its fruits? More or less, in all places, pride and indolence in the clergy; ignorance and servility in the laity,; in both, superstition, bigo

There are no manifestos like cannon and musketry.

I realize that the MX missile is none of our concern. I realize that the whole point of living in a democracy is that we pay professional congresspersons to concern themselves with things like the MX missile so we can be free to concern ourselves wi

Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city until about his 35th year, when he became a Christian. [...] To him is ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia

I dote on his very absence.

Never appeal to a man's "better nature." He may not have one. Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.

What we wish, that we readily believe.

Don't be humble ... you're not that great.

If you aren't rich you should always look useful.

There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish.

I am just a nice, clean-cut Mongolian boy.

If Karl, instead of writing a lot about Capital, had made a lot of Capital, it would have been much better.

If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the Constitution. It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's statecraft. Instead, read selected portions of the Washington telephone directory containing listings for all th

He who writes with no misspelled words has prevented a first suspicion on the limits of his scholarship or, in the social world, of his general education and culture.

I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches.

Somehow I reached excess without ever noticing when I was passing through satisfaction.

There is always one thing to remember: writers are always selling somebody out.

"We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!"

In the highest society, as well as in the lowest, woman is merely an instrument of pleasure.

Coincidences are spiritual puns.

The Least Successful Executions History has furnished us with two executioners worthy of attention. The first performed in Sydney in Australia. In 1803 three attempts were made to hang a Mr. Joseph Samuels. On the first two of these the rope snap

He knows not how to know who knows not also how to unknow.

A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.

It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is?

A dead man cannot bite.

CF&C stole it, fair and square.

To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.

When in doubt, use brute force.

... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat. It is not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery.

The most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage in the country is the one on which you resell it.

Beauty is one of the rare things which does not lead to doubt of God.

Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy.

Somewhat alarmed at the continued growth of the number of employees on the Department of Agriculture payroll in 1962, Michigan Republican Robert Griffin proposed an amendment to the farm bill so that "the total number of employees in the Department

It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.

Walking on water wasn't built in a day.

The eye is a menace to clear sight, the ear is a menace to subtle hearing, the mind is a menace to wisdom, every organ of the senses is a menace to its own capacity. ... Fuss, the god of the Southern Ocean, and Fret, the god of the Northern Ocean, h

It is ridiculous to call this an industry. This is not. This is rat eat rat, dog eat dog. I'll kill 'em, and I'm going to kill 'em before they kill me. You're talking about the American way of survival of the fittest.

The first rule of all intelligent tinkering is to keep all the parts.

A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.

Aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star.

Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.

Why, when no honest man will deny in private that every ultimate problem is wrapped in the profoundest mystery, do honest men proclaim in pulpits that unhesitating certainty is the duty of the most foolish and ignorant? Is it not a spectacle to make

If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.

I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men

It is better to have loved and lost

"I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it."

What a strange game. The only winning move is not to play.

If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.

The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.

The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose.

The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.

Joe Cool always spends the first two weeks at college sailing his frisbee.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

You roll my log, and I will roll yours.

I've got a very bad feeling about this.

In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it.

Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York City. One is "Hey, taxi." Two is, "What train do I take to get to Bloomingdale's?" And three is, "Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound."

Sometimes, too long is too long.

The trouble with this country is that there are too many politicians who believe, with a conviction based on experience, that you can fool all of the people all of the time.

Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

Before you ask more questions, think about whether you really want to know the answers.

Diplomacy is the art of letting the other party have things your way.

Trifles make perfection, and perfection is no trifle.

I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of the way and let them have it.

Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade. But the wisdom of our ances

Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their handbags are full.

Mr. Salter's side of the conversation was limited to expressions of assent. When Lord Copper was right he said "Definitely, Lord Copper"; when he was wrong, "Up to a point." "Let me see, what's the name of the place I mean? Capital of Japan? Yokoh

Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than being flat broke and having a stomach ache.

Anything is possible on paper.

If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly.

When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the thing," it's the money.

Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia because they were liars. The truth was that Plato knew philosophers couldn't compete successfully with poets.

The infliction of cruelty with a good conscience is a delight to moralists. That is why they invented hell.

Have you ever stopped to think what it would be like to have a woman President? "I can't deal with the Russians today. Not now. I've got my period."

There is no fool to the old fool.

While there's life, there's hope.

We rarely find anyone who can say he has lived a happy life, and who, content with his life, can retire from the world like a satisfied guest.

Standards are different for all things, so the standard set by man is by no means the only 'certain' standard. If you mistake what is relative for something certain, you have strayed far from the ultimate truth.

Goals... Plans... they're fantasies, they're part of a dream world...

When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks.

The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, "How's the President?"

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

The world is your exercise-book, the pages on which you do your sums. It is not reality, although you can express reality there if you wish. You are also free to write nonsense, or lies, or to tear the pages.

But, for my own part, it was Greek to me.

A drama critic is a person who surprises a playwright by informing him what he meant.

Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century. Politics is about surviving until Friday afternoon.

Americans' greatest fear is that America will turn out to have been a phenomenon, not a civilization.

Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.

What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.

The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because it isn't here.

If a thing's worth having, it's worth cheating for.

There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an opinion.

"I don't know whether God exists or not, but it makes no difference to me." "It's not like He's passing out free money or anything."

AWAKE! FEAR! FIRE! FOES! AWAKE! FEAR! FIRE! FOES! AWAKE! AWAKE!

I didn't believe in reincarnation in any of my other lives. I don't see why I should have to believe in it in this one.

It is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final.

We should have a great many fewer disputes in the world if only words were taken for what they are, the signs of our ideas only, and not for things themselves.

The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.

Put a rogue in the limelight and he will act like an honest man.

Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away someone else's cash.

As failures go, attempting to recall the past is like trying to grasp the meaning of existence. Both make one feel like a baby clutching at a basketball: one's palms keep sliding off.

He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him.

New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.

A furore Normanorum libera nos, O Domine! [From the fury of the norsemen deliver us, O Lord!]

Our business in life is not to succeed but to continue to fail in high spirits.

What good is an obscenity trial except to popularize literature?

Remembering is for those who have forgotten.

For the first time we have a weapon that nobody has used for thirty years. This gives me great hope for the human race.

Not to laugh, not to lament, not to curse, but to understand.

General notions are generally wrong.

Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and everything else follows in the same way.

If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, it might well prolong his life.

Fanaticism consists of redoubling your effort when you have forgotten your aim.

Well, he didn't know what to do, so he decided to look at the government, to see what they did, and scale it down and run his life that way.

Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops.

I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.

What does education often do? It makes a straight cut ditch of a free meandering brook.

The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to everybody and still nobody likes him.

We all declare for liberty, but in using the same word we do not all mean the same thing.

Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent and original in your work.

May you live in uninteresting times.

Pauca sed matura. [Few but excellent.]

I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men

What excuses stand in your way? How can you eliminate them?

In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred thousand miles long ... se

One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say.

Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.

There are many of us in this old world of ours who hold that things break about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get about the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summer and the poor get it in the winter.

They sentenced me to twenty years of boredom for trying to change the system from within. I'm coming now I'm coming to reward them. First we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin. I'm guided by a signal in the heavens. I'm guided by this birthmark

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment.

What is the robbing of a bank compared to the founding of a bank?

Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch" may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used whe

Giving money and power to governments is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

"Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like `Amadeus'? I could have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing."

I hate dying.

Mankind is poised midway between the gods and the beasts.

The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine man in the bonds of Hell.

What is good? Everything that heightens the feeling of power in man, the will to power, power itself. What is bad? Everything that is born of weakness. Not contentedness but more power; not peace but war; not virtue but fitness. The weak and the

Zero Mostel: That's it baby! When you got it, flaunt it! Flaunt it!

I am a deeply superficial person.

Sensible and responsible women do not want to vote.

There are no accidents whatsoever in the universe.

If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.

You can observe a lot just by watching.

Mundus vult decipi decipiatur ergo.

Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.

Who's scruffy-looking?

It is a lesson which all history teaches wise men, to put trust in ideas, and not in circumstances.

Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious.

Plots are like girdles. Hidden, they hold your interest; revealed, they're of no interest except to fetishists. Like girdles, they attempt to contain an uncontainable experience.

A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than he could be elected Pope of Rome. Both high posts are reserved for men favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter facts of life in bandages of self-illus

America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization.

The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly important thing to people.

Human resources are human first, and resources second.

My father was a saint, I'm not.

I remember once being on a station platform in Cleveland at four in the morning. A black porter was carrying my bags, and as we were waiting for the train to come in, he said to me: "Excuse me, Mr. Cooke, I don't want to invade your privacy, but I h

Those who have had no share in the good fortunes of the mighty Often have a share in their misfortunes.

Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody.

Like ya know? Rock 'N Roll is an esoteric language that unlocks the creativity chambers in people's brains, and like totally activates their essential hipness, which of course is like totally necessary for saving the earth, like because the first th

Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two points.

I'd just as soon kiss a Wookie.

Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously; and do not take what happens either to yourself or your work seriously.

Awash with unfocused desire, Everett twisted the lobe of his one remaining ear and felt the presence of somebody else behind him, which caused terror to push through his nervous system like a flash flood roaring down the mid-fork of the Feather River

An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest.

If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.

When you say that you agree to a thing in principle, you mean that you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice.

I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.

If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him. They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun of it.

When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary.

If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism.

God help those who do not help themselves.

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

For years a secret shame destroyed my peace

An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.

Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases.

Never buy what you do not want because it is cheap; it will be dear to you.

By perseverance the snail reached the Ark.

There is no ox so dumb as the orthodox.

In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment was expressed by Thomas K. Co

"Well, it's garish, ugly, and derelicts have used it for a toilet. The rides are dilapidated to the point of being lethal, and could easily maim or kill innocent little children." "Oh, so you don't like it?" "Don't like it? I'm CRAZY for it."

My only love sprung from my only hate! Too early seen unknown, and known too late!

Concerning the war in Vietnam, Senator George Aiken of Vermount noted in January, 1966, "I'm not very keen for doves or hawks. I think we need more owls."

The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power.

Many of the characters are fools and they are always playing tricks on me and treating me badly.

Chapter 1 The story so far: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

Rotten wood cannot be carved.

Small things make base men proud.

Politics makes strange bedfellows, and journalism makes strange politics.

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.

The streets were dark with something more than night.

Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.

We are giving instruction to FBI agents in the various Chinese dialects ... to handle present and likely future contingencies.

If one inquires why the American tradition is so strong against any connection of State and Church, why it dreads even the rudiments of religious teaching in state-maintained schools, the immediate and superficial answer is not far to seek. ... The

Whenever anyone says, "theoretically," they really mean, "not really."

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting.

Art is anything you can get away with.

It is through symbols that man consciously or unconsciously lives, works and has his being.

The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.

Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.

If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, it might well prolong his life.

Nothing, nothing, nothing, no error, no crime is so absolutely repugnant to God as everything which is official; and why? because the official is so impersonal and therefore the deepest insult which can be offered to a personality.

Divorce is a game played by lawyers.

If you lose a son you can always get another, but there's only one Maltese Falcon.

Ninety percent of everything is crap.

The Anglo-Saxon conscience does not prevent the Anglo-Saxon from sinning, it merely prevents him from enjoying his sin.

Or you or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company.

Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves.

I have had my television aerials removed. It's the moral equivalent of a prostate operation.

We know next to nothing about virtually everything. It is not necessary to know the origin of the universe; it is necessary to want to know. Civilization depends not on any particular knowledge, but on the disposition to crave knowledge.

Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words since I first called my brother's father dad.

You are never given a wish without also being given the power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however.

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.

The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use in effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the Declaration not for that, but for future use.

I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man.

Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.

The profession of book writing makes horse racing seem like a solid, stable business.

The Worst Prison Guards The largest number of convicts ever to escape simultaneously from a maximum security prison is 124. This record is held by Alcoente Prison, near Lisbon in Portugal. During the weeks leading up to the escape in July 1978 th

I always wake up at the crack of ice.

And tomorrow will be like today, only more so.

"I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path."

Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.

Beggars should be no choosers.

No man's ambition has a right to stand in the way of performing a simple act of justice.

I am a man: nothing human is alien to me.

Cautious, careful people always casting about to preserve their reputation or social standards never can bring about reform. Those who are totally in earnest are willing to be anything or nothing in the world's estimation, and publicly and privately

Yet creeds mean very little, Coth answered the dark god, still speaking almost gently. The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.

Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

The last vestiges of the old Republic have been swept away.

Whatever is not nailed down is mine. Whatever I can pry up is not nailed down.

A hundred years from now it is very likely that [of Twain's works] "The Jumping Frog" alone will be remembered.

The man-hating woman, like the cold woman, is largely imaginary. She is simply a woman who has done her best to snare a man and has failed.

"Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends."

If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell.

The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes.

Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you awfully comfortable while you're being miserable.

It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too.

Is uniformity attainable? Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned; yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity. What has been the effect of coercio

No poet or novelist wishes he was the only one who ever lived, but most of them wish they were the only one alive, and quite a number fondly believe their wish has been granted.

The Worst Jury A murder trial at Manitoba in February 1978 was well advanced, when one juror revealed that he was completely deaf and did not have the remotest clue what was happening. The judge, Mr. Justice Solomon, asked him if he had heard any

One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.

Arrakis teaches the attitude of the knife - chopping off what's incomplete and saying: "Now it's complete because it's ended here."

"You boys lookin' for trouble?" "Sure. Whaddya got?"

Roumanian-Yiddish cooking has killed more Jews than Hitler.

In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy.

You must be the change you wish to see in the world.

San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.

Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.

I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours. Great song.

Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.

Two heads are better than one.

TV is chewing gum for the eyes.

Luck can't last a lifetime, unless you die young.

There is a good deal of solemn cant about the common interests of capital and labour. As matters stand, their only common interest is that of cutting each other's throat.

If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.

Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock.

What one fool can do, another can.

He hath eaten me out of house and home.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

I try to keep an open mind, but not so open that my brains fall out.

"Is it just me, or does anyone else read `bible humpers' every time someone writes `bible thumpers?'

The Israelis are the Doberman pinschers of the Middle East. They treat the Arabs like postmen.

If God wanted us to have a President, He would have sent us a candidate.

Well, don't worry about it... It's nothing.

The better part of valor is discretion.

The Angels want to wear my red shoes.

The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarian tribe now stacking wood at her nubile feet, when the strong clear voice of the poetic and heroic Handsomas roared, 'Flick your Bic, cr

Confucius say too much.

You always introduce the younger person to the older person, using the wording: "Miss Brown, I'd like to introduce you to an older person" (unless her name is not "Miss Brown"). If you do not know a person's age, ask for a driver's license and a ma

The Worst Car Hire Service When David Schwartz left university in 1972, he set up Rent-a-wreck as a joke. Being a natural prankster, he acquired a fleet of beat-up shabby, wreckages waiting for the scrap heap in California. He put on a cap and lo

Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away someone else's cash.

The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to do what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with them while they do it.

Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.

Remark of Dr. Baldwin's concerning upstarts: We don't care to eat toadstools that think they are truffles.

There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need the money; the second that you have something to say that you think the world should know; the third is that you can't think what to do with the long winter evenings.

Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.

To teach is to learn twice.

Every young man should have a hobby: learning how to handle money is the best one.

Plastic... Aluminum... These are the inheritors of the Universe! Flesh and Blood have had their day... and that day is past!

And ever has it been known that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.

Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them.

There are three infallible ways of pleasing an author, and the three form a rising scale of compliment: 1, to tell him you have read one of his books; 2, to tell him you have read all of his books; 3, to ask him to let you read the manuscript of his

Remember folks. Street lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph.

"And Bezel saideth unto Sham: `Sham,' he saideth, `Thou shalt goest unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits, provideth that they are nice and fresh.'"

Public use of any portable music system is a virtually guaranteed indicator of sociopathic tendencies.

So so is good, very good, very excellent good: and yet it is not; it is but so so.

Facts, apart from their relationships, are like labels on empty bottles.

Luck, that's when preparation and opportunity meet.

In my end is my beginning.

Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game - it, and high taxes.

Andrea: Unhappy the land that has no heroes. Galileo: No, unhappy the land that _____needs heroes.

Don't go to bed with no price on your head.

If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.

Just once I would like to persuade the audience not to wear any article of blue denim. If only they could see themselves in a pair of brown corduroys like mine instead of this awful, boring blue denim. I don't enjoy the sky or sea as much as I used

Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental Anguish. You would sue: * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in.

The Worst Jury A murder trial at Manitoba in February 1978 was well advanced, when one juror revealed that he was completely deaf and did not have the remotest clue what was happening. The judge, Mr. Justice Solomon, asked him if he had heard any

The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding.

The optimum committee has no members.

The college graduate is presented with a sheepskin to cover his intellectual nakedness.

Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home tool sets for under $4?" An excellent question. Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where they

It is not enough that I should succeed. Others must fail.

Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some ordinance under which you can be booked.

L'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare.

As well look for a needle in a bottle of hay.

"Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex." (Where there is no police, there is no speed limit.)

Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to examine the laws of heat.

Things past redress and now with me past care.

XXVI: If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed on each other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to chance. XXVII: Rank does not intimidate hardware. Neither does the lack of rank. XXVIII: It is better to be the r

Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations Sign on a cabin door of a Soviet Black Sea cruise liner: Helpsavering apparata in emergings behold many whistles! Associate the stringing apparata about the bosums and meet behind, flee then t

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.

No two persons ever read the same book.

The nearer to the church, the further from God.

Why be a man when you can be a success?

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine we own.

There never was a good war or a bad peace.

Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder aloud what the country could do under first-class management.

The first requisite for immortality is death.

Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget.

"Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work"

Unless hours were cups of sack, and minutes capons, and clocks the tongues of bawds, and dials the signs of leaping houses, and the blessed sun himself a fair, hot wench in flame-colored taffeta, I see no reason why thou shouldst be so superfluous to

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

A prediction is worth twenty explanations.