I'm always looking for a new idea that will be more productive than its cost.

Chance is perhaps the work of God when He did not want to sign.

Civilization and profits go hand in hand.

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.

He didn't run for reelection. "Politics brings you into contact with all the people you'd give anything to avoid," he said. "I'm staying home."

When I hear a man applauded by the mob I always feel a pang of pity for him. All he has to do to be hissed is to live long enough.

Honesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty.

I BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on the same day. Then that night, they burned the wheel.

"Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western religion, Rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western science."

So you think that money is the root of all evil. Have you ever asked what is the root of money?

"Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it's just the opposite."

A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for the first time.

In the first place, God made idiots; this was for practice; then he made school boards.

The health of a democratic society may be measured by the quality of functions performed by private citizens.

And they mainly want to teach them not to question, not to imagine, but to be obedient and behave well so that they can hold them forever as children to their bosom as the second millennium lurches toward its panicky close.

This is the first age that's paid much attention to the future, which is a little ironic since we may not have one.

The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds the other fellow of a dull one.

The chief cause of problems is solutions.

History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

"Yes, that was Richard Nixon. He used to be President. When he left the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware."

"I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it."

Armenians and Azerbaijanis in Stepanakert, capital of the Nagorno-Karabakh autonomous region, rioted over much needed spelling reform in the Soviet Union.

I'm glad I was not born before tea.

The fashion wears out more apparel than the man.

Rule the Empire through force.

Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.

Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.

They can't stop us... we're on a mission from God!

Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak!

A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call what he writes fiction.

If there really was a Jewish conspiracy to run the world, my rabbi would have let me in on it by now. I contribute enough to the shule.

We are upping our standards ... so up yours.

Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather a new wearer of clothes.

I know on which side my bread is buttered.

There is no comfort without pain; thus we define salvation through suffering.

A dream will always triumph over reality, once it is given the chance.

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.

Time goes, you say? Ah no! Time stays, *we* go.

Anyone who has had a bull by the tail knows five or six more things than someone who hasn't.

The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose.

The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being as his Father, in the womb of a virgin will be classified with the fable of the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter. But we may hope that the dawn of reason and

I think the world is run by C students.

I think we're in trouble.

When the President does it, that means it is not illegal.

[Americans] are a race of convicts and ought to be thankful for anything we allow them short of hanging.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in James Watt's office.

Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.

In Pierre Trudeau, Canada has finally produced a Prime Minister worthy of assassination.

Whatever is not nailed down is mine. Whatever I can pry up is not nailed down.

I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the Roman Church, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant Church, nor by any Church that I know of. My own mind is my own Church.

The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for lists of "Ten Best".

Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow!

A Polish worker walks into a bank to deposit his paycheck. He has heard about Poland's economic problems, and he asks what would happen to his money if the bank collapsed. "All of our deposits are guaranteed by the finance ministry, sir," the telle

I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.

Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images.

Don't guess

You must know that a man can have only one invulnerable loyalty, loyalty to his own concept of the obligations of manhood. All other loyalties are merely deputies of that one.

I have a dream. I have a dream that one day, on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

There's no justice in this world.

"Well, it's garish, ugly, and derelicts have used it for a toilet. The rides are dilapidated to the point of being lethal, and could easily maim or kill innocent little children." "Oh, so you don't like it?" "Don't like it? I'm CRAZY for it."

Democracy becomes a government of bullies, tempered by editors.

Nothing, nothing, nothing, no error, no crime is so absolutely repugnant to God as everything which is official; and why? because the official is so impersonal and therefore the deepest insult which can be offered to a personality.

Anything anybody can say about America is true.

An actor's a guy who if you ain't talkin' about him, ain't listening.

If a man loses his reverence for any part of life, he will lose his reverence for all of life.

Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations Sign on a cathedral in Spain: It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner if dressed as a man. Above the enterance to a Cairo bar: Unaccompanied ladies not admitted unless with husb

"You and I as individuals can, by borrowing, live beyond our means, but only for a limited period of time. Why should we think that collectively, as a nation, we are not bound by that same limitation?"

Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.

I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.

Our business in life is not to succeed but to continue to fail in high spirits.

Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I'm beginning to believe it.

A full belly makes a dull brain.

Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of government, therefore,

Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.

You are a wish to be here wishing yourself.

The government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the Christian Religion.

Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum, sodomy and the lash.

Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she lived with was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always getting pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to the farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd w

Fortune and love befriend the bold.

It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish.

Young men, hear an old man to whom old men hearkened when he was young.

Practice yourself what you preach.

The Israelis are the Doberman pinschers of the Middle East. They treat the Arabs like postmen.

What a bonanza! An unknown beginner to be directed by Lubitsch, in a script by Wilder and Brackett, and to play with Paramount's two superstars, Gary Cooper and Claudette Colbert, and to be beaten up by both of them!

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

If built in great numbers, motels will be used for nothing but illegal purposes.

We are so fond of each other because our ailments are the same.

Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.

The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.

Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to examine the laws of heat.

What does education often do? It makes a straight cut ditch of a free meandering brook.

We have no scorched earth policy. We have a policy of scorched Communists.