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Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform.

Englan Mark Twain on New


What good is an obscenity trial except to popularize literature?

Li Mark Twain


If I made peace with Russia today, I'd only attack her again tomorrow. I just couldn't help myself.

Mark Twain


The longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate.

Mark Twain


Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth *___and* fresher

Mark Twain


All the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow.

Mark Twain


Do you realize the responsibility I carry? I'm the only person standing between Nixon and the White House.

Mark Twain


Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little more time for dreaming.

Mark Twain


It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.

Mark Twain


You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements.

Mark Twain


If you catch a man, throw him back.

Mark Twain


Every man who has reached even his intellectual teens begins to suspect that life is no farce; that it is not genteel comedy even; that it flowers and fructifies on the contrary out of the profoundest tragic depths of the essential death in which its

Mark Twain


How apt the poor are to be proud.

Twain Mark


If you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that's read by persons who move their lips when the're reading to themselves.

Twain Mark


For every bloke who makes his mark, there's half a dozen waiting to rub it out.

Twain Mark


"It's kind of fun to do the impossible."

Twain Mark


We can embody the truth, but we cannot know it.

Twain Mark


Fay: The British police force used to be run by men of integrity. Truscott: That is a mistake which has been rectified.

Twain Mark


The trouble with this country is that there are too many politicians who believe, with a conviction based on experience, that you can fool all of the people all of the time.

Twain Mark


Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.

Twain Mark


They use different words for things in America. For instance they say elevator and we say lift. They say drapes and we say curtains. They say president and we say brain damaged git.

Twain Mark


A Polish worker walks into a bank to deposit his paycheck. He has heard about Poland's economic problems, and he asks what would happen to his money if the bank collapsed. "All of our deposits are guaranteed by the finance ministry, sir," the telle

Twain Mark


I never did give anybody hell. I just told the truth and they thought it was hell.

Twain Mark


I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.

Twain Mark


No two persons ever read the same book.

Twain Mark


After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon to be created." "This is true," He replied.

Twain Mark


Sorry 'bout that sweat, honey. That's just holy water.

Twain Mark


TO THOSE OF YOU WHO DESIRE IT, I GRANT YOU MADRAK'S BLESSING: Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you may have done or failed to do which requires for

Twain Mark


Watch your mouth, kid, or you'll find yourself floating home.

Twain Mark


If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The "professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on t

Twain Mark


The very first essential for success is a perpetually constant and regular employment of violence.

Twain Mark


The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to everybody and still nobody likes him.

Twain Mark


So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence.

Twain Mark


The philosopher's treatment of a question is like the treatment of an illness.

Twain Mark


Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities, requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by tur

Twain Mark


One good turn deserves another.

Twain Mark


Since everything in life is but an experience perfect in being what it is, having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well burst out in laughter.

Twain Mark


Nitwit ideas are for emergencies. You use them when you've got nothing else to try. If they work, they go in the Book. Otherwise you follow the Book, which is largely a collection of nitwit ideas that worked.

Twain Mark


I always wake up at the crack of ice.

Twain Mark


Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.

Twain Mark


I believe that the moment is near when by a procedure of active paranoiac thought, it will be possible to systematize confusion and contribute to the total discrediting of the world of reality.

Twain Mark


Whenever anyone says, "theoretically," they really mean, "not really."

Twain Mark


"Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends."

Twain Mark


Thank God I've always avoided persecuting my enemies.

Twain Mark


Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away?

Twain Mark


April 1 This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.

Twain Mark


The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.

Twain Mark


What passes for optimism is most often the effect of an intellectual error.

Twain Mark


People of privilege will always risk their complete destruction rather than surrender any material part of their advantage.

Twain Mark


Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground

Twain Mark


I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs.

Twain Mark


Fear and loathing, my man, fear and loathing.

Twain Mark


Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.

Twain Mark


Indomitable in retreat; invincible in advance; insufferable in victory.

Twain Mark


A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth.

Twain Mark


... "fire" does not matter, "earth" and "air" and "water" do not matter. "I" do not matter. No word matters. But man forgets reality and remembers words. The more words he remembers, the cleverer do his fellows esteem him. He looks upon the great

Twain Mark


The public demands certainties; it must be told definitely and a bit raucously that this is true and that is false. But there are no certainties.

Twain Mark


"Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in exchange for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday. Mannis feels he must devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might emanate from a recent statement he made compar

Twain Mark


Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamp-post how it feels about dogs.

Twain Mark


If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we would all be millionaires.

Twain Mark


A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a "Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.

Twain Mark


Indeed, the first noble truth of Buddhism, usually translated as `all life is suffering,' is more accurately rendered `life is filled with a sense of pervasive unsatisfactoriness.'

Twain Mark


He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue.

Twain Mark


When the English language gets in my way, I walk over it.

Twain Mark


You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.

Twain Mark


Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away someone else's cash.

Twain Mark


"MOKE DAT YIGARETTE"

Twain Mark


The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself.

Twain Mark


In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

Twain Mark


I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches.

Twain Mark


If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell.

Twain Mark


It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.

Twain Mark


The nearer to the church, the further from God.

Twain Mark


It's not easy, being green.

Twain Mark


"She said, `I know you ... you cannot sing'. I said, `That's nothing, you should hear me play piano.'"

Twain Mark


Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.

Twain Mark


I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to sacrifice my wife's brother.

Twain Mark


Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental Anguish. You would sue: * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions

Twain Mark


The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt.

Twain Mark


Life is too short to be taken seriously.

Twain Mark


Bingo, gas station, hamburger with a side order of airplane noise, and you'll be Gary, Indiana.

Twain Mark


If your happiness depends on what somebody else does, I guess you do have a problem.

Twain Mark


Odets, where is thy sting?

Twain Mark


Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation."

Twain Mark


I accept chaos. I am not sure whether it accepts me. I know some people are terrified of the bomb. But then some people are terrified to be seen carrying a modern screen magazine. Experience teaches us that silence terrifies people the most.

Twain Mark


It was a female that drove me to drink and I didn't even have the kindness to thank her.

Twain Mark


IV. The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. Such an object is inevitably price

Twain Mark


"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away".

Twain Mark


Where there is much light there is also much shadow.

Twain Mark


I'm always looking for a new idea that will be more productive than its cost.

Twain Mark


It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be privileged to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to corrupt the youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles.

Twain Mark


Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.

Twain Mark


Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.

Twain Mark


Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other forms that have been tried from time to time.

Twain Mark


An office party is not, as is sometimes supposed the Managing Director's chance to kiss the tea-girl. It is the tea-girl's chance to kiss the Managing Director (however bizarre an ambition this may seem to anyone who has seen the Managing Director f

Twain Mark





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Better the prince of some inferior court, Than second, or less, in beatific light.
Joost van den Vondel

deep thoughts of brillyant genius of human history
Mark Twain
 
 
 
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