When alerted to an intrusion by tinkling glass or otherwise, 1) Calm yourself 2) Identify the intruder 3) If hostile, kill him. Step number 3 is of particular importance. If you leave the guy alive out of misguided softheartedness, he will repay y

You can bear anything if it isn't your own fault.

"It's a summons." "What's a summons?" "It means summon's in trouble."

The Bible says that woman was the last thing God made. Evidently He made her on Saturday night. She reveals his fatigue.

Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away?

Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations. He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan, then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open market. If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarri

A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough to take it all away.

Gone With The Wind LITE(tm)

Questions are never indiscreet, answers sometimes are.

Mental power tended to corrupt, and absolute intelligence tended to corrupt absolutely, until the victim eschewed violence entirely in favor of smart solutions to stupid problems.

The government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the Christian Religion.

Or you or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company.

I always wake up at the crack of ice.

Tallulah Bankhead barged down the Nile last night as Cleopatra and sank.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

The only reward of virtue is virtue.

Politics, like religion, hold up the torches of matrydom to the reformers of error.

"No job too big; no fee too big!"

"Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it's just the opposite."

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. My advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Young men think old men are fools; but old men know young men are fools.

I consider a new device or technology to have been culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder.

The superfluous is very necessary.

In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty lashes with the cat or the dog,

Concerning the war in Vietnam, Senator George Aiken of Vermount noted in January, 1966, "I'm not very keen for doves or hawks. I think we need more owls."

So you think that money is the root of all evil. Have you ever asked what is the root of money?

Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home tool sets for under $4?" An excellent question. Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where they

I don't understand what all the fuss was about in Los Angeles. It's not like we looted Brooks Brothers when Oliver North got off.

Confucius say too much.

Maryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on the dance floor. Now everyone's doing it. It's called grand slam dancing.

People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they don't want it.

Anyone who has had a bull by the tail knows five or six more things than someone who hasn't.

All diplomacy is a continuation of war by other means.

Life is the childhood of our immortality.

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently.

The world wants to be deceived.

In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy.

TV is chewing gum for the eyes.

The great merit of society is to make one appreciate solitude.

To be excellent when engaged in administration is to be like the North Star. As it remains in its one position, all the other stars surround it.

Men ought to know that from the brain and from the brain only arise our pleasures, joys, laughter, and jests as well as our sorrows, pains, griefs and tears. ... It is the same thing which makes us mad or delirious, inspires us with dread and fear,

There is more to life than increasing its speed.

The Least Successful Collector Betsy Baker played a central role in the history of collecting. She was employed as a servant in the house of John Warburton (1682-1759) who had amassed a fine collection of 58 first edition plays, including most of t

When I came back to Dublin I was courtmartialed in my absence and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.

If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.

There are more dead people than living, and their numbers are increasing.

A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel.

Would that my hand were as swift as my tongue.

I would like to electrocute everyone who uses the word 'fair' in connection with income tax policies.

The price of seeking to force our beliefs on others is that someday they might force their beliefs on us.

With her body, woman is more sincere than man; but with her mind she lies. And when she lies, she does not believe herself.

I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of the sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for you are loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway.

Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know any more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he doesn't know much.

Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances.

Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.

There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behaviour.

Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled.

It is enough to make one sympathize with a tyrant for the determination of his courtiers to deceive him for their own personal ends...

One good turn deserves another.

How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another in the waking state?

A man is known by the company he organizes.

A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation. It takes an abundance of imagination, to be sure.

Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the men are strong, the women are pretty, and the children are above-average.

[Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

Don't vote

Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.

It's from Casablanca. I've been waiting all my life to use that line.

What soon grows old? Gratitude.

If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we would all be millionaires.

God is Dead.

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.

The pollution's at that awkward stage. Too thick to navigate and too thin to cultivate.

People say I live in my own little fantasy world... well, at least they *know* me there!

Audacity, and again, audacity, and always audacity.

We should have a great many fewer disputes in the world if only words were taken for what they are, the signs of our ideas only, and not for things themselves.

Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire rainbow of legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better than he does. As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about it. I am told that he appears to be strong and

Look ere ye leap.

Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.

"It says he made us all to be just like him. So if we're dumb, then god is dumb, and maybe even a little ugly on the side."

"Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun."

It is the business of the future to be dangerous.

There never was a good war or a bad peace.

Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.

"You and I as individuals can, by borrowing, live beyond our means, but only for a limited period of time. Why should we think that collectively, as a nation, we are not bound by that same limitation?"

The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.

If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly.

A rich man told me recently that a liberal is a man who tells other people what to do with their money.

The most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage in the country is the one on which you resell it.

Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard.

Hating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie, unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax.

The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to everybody and still nobody likes him.