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The course of true anything never does run smooth.

Englan Mark Twain on New


We're fantastically incredibly sorry for all these extremely unreasonable things we did. I can only plead that my simple, barely-sentient friend and myself are underprivileged, deprived and also college students.

Li Mark Twain


The whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively.

Mark Twain


Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they had towels from my house.

Mark Twain


I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock.

Mark Twain


The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate knowledge of its ugly side.

Mark Twain


"You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten."

Mark Twain


I knew her before she was a virgin.

Mark Twain


Intellect annuls Fate. So far as a man thinks, he is free.

Mark Twain


Si Dieu n'existait pas, il faudrait l'inventer. [If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.]

Mark Twain


Brahma said: Well, after hearing ten thousand explanations, a fool is no wiser. But an intelligent man needs only two thousand five hundred.

Mark Twain


The universe is made of stories, not of atoms.

Mark Twain


When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.

Twain Mark


Honesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty.

Twain Mark


Something's rotten in the state of Denmark.

Twain Mark


Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.

Twain Mark


The faster I go, the behinder I get.

Twain Mark


Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine.

Twain Mark


[The French Riviera is] a sunny place for shady people.

Twain Mark


"I don't know whether God exists or not, but it makes no difference to me." "It's not like He's passing out free money or anything."

Twain Mark


What I tell you three times is true.

Twain Mark


Every man who has reached even his intellectual teens begins to suspect that life is no farce; that it is not genteel comedy even; that it flowers and fructifies on the contrary out of the profoundest tragic depths of the essential death in which its

Twain Mark


Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch" may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used whe

Twain Mark


Mike: "The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?" Bernie: "Nobody ever empties the ashtrays. People are SO inconsiderate."

Twain Mark


No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream. Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness within; it had stood so fo

Twain Mark


The best you get is an even break.

Twain Mark


Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.

Twain Mark


"Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like `Amadeus'? I could have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing."

Twain Mark


Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.

Twain Mark


Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read.

Twain Mark


Prisons are built with stones of Law, brothels with bricks of Religion.

Twain Mark


Authors (and perhaps columnists) eventually rise to the top of whatever depths they were once able to plumb.

Twain Mark


If a guru falls in the forest with no one to hear him, was he really a guru at all?

Twain Mark


My daddy's brains was so scrambled he thought he was Jesus. They put him in a nut house for 5 years and when he got out, he didn't think he was Jesus, he thought he was *God*! ... Which made me Jesus.

Twain Mark


Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and resisting the current what each had

Twain Mark


The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.

Twain Mark


Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of government, therefore,

Twain Mark


I shot an arrow in to the air, and it stuck.

Twain Mark


Those who do things in a noble spirit of self-sacrifice are to be avoided at all costs.

Twain Mark


Five bicycles make a volkswagen, seven make a truck.

Twain Mark


For courage mounteth with occasion.

Twain Mark


I used to be disgusted, now I find I'm just amused.

Twain Mark


I believe that the moment is near when by a procedure of active paranoiac thought, it will be possible to systematize confusion and contribute to the total discrediting of the world of reality.

Twain Mark


At ebb tide I wrote a line upon the sand, and gave it all my heart and all my soul. At flood tide I returned to read what I had inscribed and found my ignorance upon the shore.

Twain Mark


The trouble with superheros is what to do between phone booths.

Twain Mark


How should they answer?

Twain Mark


There are people who find it odd to eat four or five Chinese meals in a row; in China, I often remind them, there are a billion or so people who find nothing odd about it.

Twain Mark


It's not easy, being green.

Twain Mark


There's no such thing as an original sin.

Twain Mark


"Jesus saves...but Gretzky gets the rebound!"

Twain Mark


Television is now so desperately hungry for material that it is scraping the top of the barrel.

Twain Mark


For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels, each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall was a gate.

Twain Mark


There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.

Twain Mark


A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.

Twain Mark


If it were thought that anything I wrote was influenced by Robert Frost, I would take that particular work of mine, shred it, and flush it down the toilet, hoping not to clog the pipes. A more sententious, holding- forth old bore who expected every

Twain Mark


We are what we pretend to be.

Twain Mark


If we spoke a different language, we would perceive a somewhat different world.

Twain Mark


For every bloke who makes his mark, there's half a dozen waiting to rub it out.

Twain Mark


Mental power tended to corrupt, and absolute intelligence tended to corrupt absolutely, until the victim eschewed violence entirely in favor of smart solutions to stupid problems.

Twain Mark


If little else, the brain is an educational toy.

Twain Mark


All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard, ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas.

Twain Mark


The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes. Let the reader catch his own breath.

Twain Mark


There's no such thing as a free lunch.

Twain Mark


I am a man: nothing human is alien to me.

Twain Mark


... it still remains true that as a set of cognitive beliefs about the existence of God in any recognizable sense continuous with the great systems of the past, religious doctrines constitute a speculative hypothesis of an extremely low order of prob

Twain Mark


In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment was expressed by Thomas K. Co

Twain Mark


There's no such thing as a free lunch.

Twain Mark


Art is a lie which makes us realize the truth.

Twain Mark


Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.

Twain Mark


Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long.

Twain Mark


I have had my television aerials removed. It's the moral equivalent of a prostate operation.

Twain Mark


Sweet April showers do spring May flowers.

Twain Mark


All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for fun. Money's just the way we keep score.

Twain Mark


How apt the poor are to be proud.

Twain Mark


All of us should treasure his Oriental wisdom and his preaching of a Zen-like detachment, as exemplified by his constant reminder to clerks, tellers, or others who grew excited by his presence in their banks: "Just lie down on the floor and keep calm

Twain Mark


The white race is the cancer of history.

Twain Mark


This was the most unkindest cut of all.

Twain Mark


Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more spectacular adventure starring... Tippy, the Wonder Dog!

Twain Mark


If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.

Twain Mark


Live fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway!

Twain Mark


Lay on, MacDuff, and curs'd be him who first cries, "Hold, enough!".

Twain Mark


People in general do not willingly read if they have anything else to amuse them.

Twain Mark


A sequel is an admission that you've been reduced to imitating yourself.

Twain Mark


The proof of the pudding is in the eating.

Twain Mark


The Least Successful Equal Pay Advertisement In 1976 the European Economic Community pointed out to the Irish Government that it had not yet implemented the agreed sex equality legislation. The Dublin Government immediately advertised for an equal

Twain Mark


Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books.

Twain Mark


A woman who is guided by the head and not by the heart is a social pestilence: she has all the defects of the passionate and affectionate woman, with none of her compensations; she is without pity, without love, without virtue, without sex.

Twain Mark


"You mean, if you allow the master to be uncivil, to treat you any old way he likes, and to insult your dignity, then he may deem you fit to hear his view of things?" "Quite the contrary. You must defend your integrity, assuming you have integrit

Twain Mark


If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it.

Twain Mark


Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion.

Twain Mark


Some people say a front-engine car handles best. Some people say a rear-engine car handles best. I say a rented car handles best.

Twain Mark


Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses, is in the eye of the beholder.

Twain Mark


The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.

Twain Mark


Housework can kill you if done right.

Twain Mark


There is no comfort without pain; thus we define salvation through suffering.

Twain Mark





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The only cultural advantage LA has over NY is that you can make a right turn on a red light.
Allen Woody

deep thoughts of brillyant genius of human history
Mark Twain
 
 
 
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