|
He hadn't a single redeeming vice.
 Englan Mark Twain on New
When the English language gets in my way, I walk over it.
 Li Mark Twain
You always introduce the younger person to the older person, using the
wording: "Miss Brown, I'd like to introduce you to an older person"
(unless her name is not "Miss Brown"). If you do not know a person's
age, ask for a driver's license and a ma Mark Twain
If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some
memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin'
it, even if they don't know what it means.
 Mark Twain
One man's Mede is another man's Persian.
 Mark Twain
Every man takes the limits of his own field of vision for the limits
of the world.
 Mark Twain
When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
 Mark Twain
They sentenced me to twenty years of boredom for trying to change the
system from within. I'm coming now I'm coming to reward them. First
we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin.
I'm guided by a signal in the heavens. I'm guided by this birthmark Mark Twain
A sect or party is an elegant incognito devised to save a man from
the vexation of thinking.
 Mark Twain
I never trust a man unless I've got his pecker in my pocket.
 Mark Twain
America is a stronger nation for the ACLU's uncompromising effort.
 Mark Twain
Some women should be beaten regularly, like gongs.
 Mark Twain
God is Dead.
 Twain
Mark
With her body, woman is more sincere than man; but with her mind she lies.
And when she lies, she does not believe herself.
 Twain
Mark
If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.
 Twain
Mark
I never made a mistake in my life. I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
 Twain
Mark
There is no act of treachery or mean-ness of which a political party
is not capable; for in politics there is no honour.
 Twain
Mark
The only two things that motivate me and that matter to me are revenge
and guilt.
 Twain
Mark
Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often
overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of dollars: For
several days before you put it in the mail, carry your tax return around
under your armpit. No IRS ag Twain
Mark
Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.
 Twain
Mark
One of the pleasures of reading old letters is the knowledge that they
need no answer.
 Twain
Mark
When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.
 Twain
Mark
Somewhat alarmed at the continued growth of the number of employees
on the Department of Agriculture payroll in 1962, Michigan Republican Robert
Griffin proposed an amendment to the farm bill so that "the total number of
employees in the Department  Twain
Mark
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
 Twain
Mark
Standards are different for all things, so the standard set by man is by
no means the only 'certain' standard. If you mistake what is relative for
something certain, you have strayed far from the ultimate truth.
 Twain
Mark
More people are flattered into virtue than bullied out of vice.
 Twain
Mark
If a guru falls in the forest with no one to hear him, was he really a
guru at all?
 Twain
Mark
You can't have your cake and let your neighbor eat it too.
 Twain
Mark
In the long run we are all dead.
 Twain
Mark
Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp. It's 2 cents
for postage and 30 cents for storage.
 Twain
Mark
Three things have been difficult to tame: The oceans, fools,
and women. We may soon be able to tame the ocean. Fools and
women will take a little longer.
 Twain
Mark
Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping
mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as
"Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you
how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence" Twain
Mark
If it doesn't smell yet, it's pretty fresh.
 Twain
Mark
We ... make the modern error of dignifying the Individual. We do everything
we can to butter him up. We give him a name, assure him that he has certain
inalienable rights, educate him, let him pass on his name to his brats and
when he dies we give  Twain
Mark
Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent if no birds
sang there except those that sang best.
 Twain
Mark
Virtue would go far if vanity did not keep it company.
 Twain
Mark
My daddy's brains was so scrambled he thought he was Jesus. They put him
in a nut house for 5 years and when he got out, he didn't think he was
Jesus, he thought he was *God*! ... Which made me Jesus.
 Twain
Mark
The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth.
 Twain
Mark
You can't start worrying about what's going to happen. You get spastic
enough worrying about what's happening now.
 Twain
Mark
The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover's Lane holding his own hand.
 Twain
Mark
I would like the government to do all it can to mitigate, then, in
understanding, in mutuality of interest, in concern for the common good,
our tasks will be solved.
 Twain
Mark
There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true.
 Twain
Mark
Let us never negotiate out of fear, but let us never fear to negotiate.
 Twain
Mark
Forgive him, for he believes that the customs of his tribe are the laws
of nature!
 Twain
Mark
He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man.
 Twain
Mark
Mandrell: "You know what I think?"
Doctor: "Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you
don't think, right?"
 Twain
Mark
If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism.
 Twain
Mark
The very first essential for success is a perpetually constant and regular
employment of violence.
 Twain
Mark
If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets
and fire them all off, wouldn't you?
 Twain
Mark
When neither their poverty nor their honor is touched, the majority of men
live content.
 Twain
Mark
He's a son-of-a-bitch, but he's our son-of-a-bitch.
 Twain
Mark
You see things; and you say "Why?"
But I dream things that never were; and I say "Why not?"
 Twain
Mark
I always wake up at the crack of ice.
 Twain
Mark
The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should therefore
be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be
propagated. If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to declare war
and they are screened at onc Twain
Mark
Imagine there's no heaven... it's easy if you try.
 Twain
Mark
Ten persons who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent.
 Twain
Mark
Ye've also got to remember that ... respectable people do the most astonishin'
things to preserve their respectability. Thank God I'm not respectable.
 Twain
Mark
American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees
be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for employees who are
educated enough that they can tell the difference between the men's room and
the women's room with Twain
Mark
There never was a good war or a bad peace.
 Twain
Mark
Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody.
 Twain
Mark
I went to my mother and told her I intended to commence a different life. I
asked for and obtained her blessing and at once commenced the career of a
robber.
 Twain
Mark
The old complaint that mass culture is designed for eleven-year-olds
is of course a shameful canard. The key age has traditionally been
more like fourteen.
 Twain
Mark
"Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex."
(Where there is no police, there is no speed limit.)
 Twain
Mark
A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I
believe everything positively stinks.
 Twain
Mark
From the cradle to the coffin underwear comes first.
 Twain
Mark
War is delightful to those who have had no experience of it.
 Twain
Mark
If you cannot in the long run tell everyone what you have been doing,
your doing was worthless.
 Twain
Mark
Thinking you know something is a sure way to blind yourself.
 Twain
Mark
Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have taken
him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an excess of
stupidity, sir, is not in Nature.
 Twain
Mark
For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels,
each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall
was a gate.
 Twain
Mark
It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east
laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The
thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle,
nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the r Twain
Mark
The chief enemy of creativity is "good" sense
 Twain
Mark
Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York
City. One is "Hey, taxi." Two is, "What train do I take to get to
Bloomingdale's?" And three is, "Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound."
 Twain
Mark
"I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the nominating."
 Twain
Mark
"Life would be much simpler and things would get done much faster if it
weren't for other people"
 Twain Mark
As failures go, attempting to recall the past is like trying to grasp
the meaning of existence. Both make one feel like a baby clutching at
a basketball: one's palms keep sliding off.
 Twain Mark
Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high,
they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.
 Twain Mark
Don't despise your poor relations, they may become suddenly rich one day.
 Twain Mark
Competitive fury is not always anger. It is the true missionary's courage
and zeal in facing the possibility that one's best may not be enough.
 Twain Mark
Something better...
13 (sympathetic): Oh, What happened? Did your parents lose a bet with God?
14 (complimentary): You must love the little birdies to give them this to
perch on.
15 (scientific): Say, does that thing there influence the tides?
 Twain Mark
Questions are never indiscreet, answers sometimes are.
 Twain Mark
If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.
 Twain Mark
I am a man: nothing human is alien to me.
 Twain Mark
I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in
my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
 Twain Mark
Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years
organising and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office.
 Twain Mark
an idiot
politically. But the designations may be good business for war
veterans. Having bled for their country in 1861 and 1918, they have
bled it all they could consequently. And why not?"
 Twain Mark
Hindsight is always 20:20.
 Twain Mark
I have just enough white in me to make my honesty questionable.
 Twain Mark
The Least Successful Defrosting Device
The all-time record here is held by Mr. Peter Rowlands of Lancaster
whose lips became frozen to his lock in 1979 while blowing warm air on it.
"I got down on my knees to breathe into the lock. Somehow my lips Twain Mark
When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.
 Twain Mark
If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three
years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law
school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.
 Twain Mark
Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in.
 Twain Mark
Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.
 Twain Mark
The conservation movement is a breeding ground of Communists and other
subversives. We intend to clean them out, even if it means rounding up
every bird watcher in the country.
 Twain Mark
When the ax entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us!"
 Twain Mark
|
Random Quote
"It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country. The
Greeks never said it was sweet to die for anything. They had no vital lies."
 Hamilton Edith
|
|
|