Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

I reverently believe that the maker who made us all makes everything in New England, but the weather. I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in New England, fo

Has the great art and mystery of politics no apparent utility? Does it appear to be unqualifiedly ratty, raffish, sordid, obscene and low down, and its salient virtuosi a gang of umitigated scoundrels? Then let us not forget its high capacity to soo

The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.

Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying as an income tax refund.

You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.

"Listen to what I say, not what I mean. I mean ...."

Remember that there is an outside world to see and enjoy.

My tears stuck in their little ducts, refusing to be jerked.

Whom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods.

Many a long dispute between divines may thus be abridged: It is so. It is not so. It is so. It is not so.

With all the talent around, it's sort of amazing that a woman could be up here with us.

Grub first, then ethics.

I knew her before she was a virgin.

If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing.

"You boys lookin' for trouble?" "Sure. Whaddya got?"

We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. But there was also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song at a French restaurant. [...] I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of her milk w

Now it is such a bizarrely improbable coincidence that anything so mind- bogglingly useful could have evolved purely by chance that some thinkers have chosen to see it as a final and clinching proof of the non-existence of God. The argument follows:

If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all.

When I have one foot in the grave I will tell the truth about women. I shall tell it, jump into my coffin, pull the lid over me, and say, "Do what you like now."

A racially integrated community is a chronological term timed from the entrance of the first black family to the exit of the last white family.

There is no ox so dumb as the orthodox.

The two party system ... is a triumph of the dialectic. It showed that two could be one and one could be two and had probably been fabricated by Hegel for the American market on a subcontract from General Dynamics.

If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.

He that composes himself is wiser than he that composes a book.

No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.

You must be the change you wish to see in the world.

The introduction of a new kind of music must be shunned as imperiling the whole state, for styles of music are never disturbed without affecting the most important political institutions. ... The new style, gradually gaining a lodgement, quitely ins

How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another in the waking state?

He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom.

Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the world is love. The poor know that it is money.

A game can by God repent or we'll punish it. That's how they did it in Salem in the seventeenth century, and that's how we'll do it now.

If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we would all be millionaires.

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.

No group of professionals meets except to conspire against the public at large.

There is no proverb that is not true.

Seeing that death, a necessary end, Will come when it will come.

The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly important thing to people.

There are many of us in this old world of ours who hold that things break about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get about the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summer and the poor get it in the winter.

The only "ism" Hollywood believes in is plagiarism.

NEW YORK

He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him.

We know all about the habits of the ant, we know all about the habits of the bee, but we know nothing at all about the habits of the oyster. It seems almost certain that we have been choosing the wrong time for studying the oyster.

"Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence"

Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around us in awareness.

Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.

"I'm dying," he croaked. "My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted . "You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized. "That's no beagle, it's a mongrel," she muttered. "The fire is going out," he bellowed. "Bad marksmanship," the h

Necessity has no law.

You know very well that whether you are on page one or page thirty depends on whether [the press] fear you. It is just as simple as that.

There is a secret person undamaged within every individual.

If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' it, even if they don't know what it means.

I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands, one nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to examine the laws of heat.

Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.

The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.

The primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO" represents the secondary theme: Law Enforcement Officials The overall theme of SoupCon shall be: Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials

Harp not on that string.

I understand why you're confused. You're thinking too much.

Everyone is in the best seat.

God shows his contempt for wealth by the kind of person he selects to receive it.

There must be more to life than having everything.

One of my favorite jokes, a telling commentary on Jewish mothers' capacity to lay on guilt, involves the mother who gave her son two neckties on Chanuka. The boy hurried into his bedroom, ripped off the tie he was wearing, put on one of the ties his

If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women you've got in the house.

There are three infallible ways of pleasing an author, and the three form a rising scale of compliment: 1, to tell him you have read one of his books; 2, to tell him you have read all of his books; 3, to ask him to let you read the manuscript of his

"I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia, I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun."

Rascal, am I? Take THAT!

If you would know the value of money, go try to borrow some.

Forgive your enemies, but don't forget their names.

Non-Determinism is not meant to be reasonable.

Russia has abolished God, but so far God has been more tolerant.

If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.

Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.

When alerted to an intrusion by tinkling glass or otherwise, 1) Calm yourself 2) Identify the intruder 3) If hostile, kill him. Step number 3 is of particular importance. If you leave the guy alive out of misguided softheartedness, he will repay y

I have a dream. I have a dream that one day, on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.

If you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that's read by persons who move their lips when the're reading to themselves.

Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday.

Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away?

We must remember that in time of war what is said on the enemy's side of the front is always propaganda and what is said on our side of the front is truth and righteousness, the cause of humanity and a crusade for peace.

I've got Hubert's pecker in my pocket.

Never tell people how to do things. Tell them WHAT to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.

The error of youth is to believe that intelligence is a substitute for experience, while the error of age is to believe experience is a substitute for intelligence.

The universe is made of stories, not of atoms.

The time spent on any item of the agenda [of a finance committee] will be in inverse proportion to the sum involved.

I do not patronize poor, ill educated, or disenfranchised people by exempting them from the same critical examination I feel free to direct toward the rest of society, however much I might champion the same minority or disadvantaged group in the foru

If you have seen one city slum you have seen them all.

An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad to lie and intrigue for the benefit of his country.

In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment was expressed by Thomas K. Co

The Worst Jury A murder trial at Manitoba in February 1978 was well advanced, when one juror revealed that he was completely deaf and did not have the remotest clue what was happening. The judge, Mr. Justice Solomon, asked him if he had heard any

Charity begins at home.

The horizon of many people is a circle with a radius of zero. They call this their point of view.

There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary as 'unearned income.'

TV is chewing gum for the eyes.

Intellect annuls Fate. So far as a man thinks, he is free.

The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism are one, and that one is marxism.