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A man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles in the road.

Englan Mark Twain on New


Never promise more than you can perform.

Li Mark Twain


Rascal, am I? Take THAT!

Mark Twain


Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a number. Youre two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and another number.

Mark Twain


... difference of opinion is advantagious in religion. The several sects perform the office of a common censor morum over each other. Is uniformity attainable? Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the introduction of Christianity,

Mark Twain


America, I'm putting my queer shoulder to the wheel.

Mark Twain


Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.

Mark Twain


In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.

Mark Twain


The root of all superstition is that men observe when a thing hits, but not when it misses.

Mark Twain


Goals... Plans... they're fantasies, they're part of a dream world...

Mark Twain


"Yes, that was Richard Nixon. He used to be President. When he left the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware."

Mark Twain


There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Mark Twain


Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and resisting the current what each had

Twain Mark


We have nowhere else to go... this is all we have.

Twain Mark


I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said, "What'll you have, Bud"? I said," I don't know, surprise me". So he showed me a nude picture of my wife.

Twain Mark


If you hype something and it succeeds, you're a genius

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War is like love, it always finds a way.

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Plots are like girdles. Hidden, they hold your interest; revealed, they're of no interest except to fetishists. Like girdles, they attempt to contain an uncontainable experience.

Twain Mark


An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.

Twain Mark


A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than he could be elected Pope of Rome. Both high posts are reserved for men favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter facts of life in bandages of self-illus

Twain Mark


A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth.

Twain Mark


Some people say a front-engine car handles best. Some people say a rear-engine car handles best. I say a rented car handles best.

Twain Mark


Forgive him, for he believes that the customs of his tribe are the laws of nature!

Twain Mark


When I have one foot in the grave I will tell the truth about women. I shall tell it, jump into my coffin, pull the lid over me, and say, "Do what you like now."

Twain Mark


We are upping our standards ... so up yours.

Twain Mark


One picture is worth more than ten thousand words.

Twain Mark


NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Giuseppe? Everything he says is wrong. GIUSEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says will be right.

Twain Mark


Time goes, you say? Ah no! Time stays, *we* go.

Twain Mark


There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the existence of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any marginally competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat engine and make some other part of hell

Twain Mark


If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the Constitution. It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's statecraft. Instead, read selected portions of the Washington telephone directory containing listings for all th

Twain Mark


I'll burn my books.

Twain Mark


Don't be humble ... you're not that great.

Twain Mark


He hath eaten me out of house and home.

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Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words since I first called my brother's father dad.

Twain Mark


If we suffer tamely a lawless attack upon our liberty, we encourage it, and involve others in our doom.

Twain Mark


To listen to some devout people, one would imagine that God never laughs.

Twain Mark


Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life.

Twain Mark


Whatever occurs from love is always beyond good and evil.

Twain Mark


If you are shooting under 80 you are neglecting your business; over 80 you are neglecting your golf.

Twain Mark


She ran the gamut of emotions from 'A' to 'B'.

Twain Mark


I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two highly trained certified public accountants.

Twain Mark


The two party system ... is a triumph of the dialectic. It showed that two could be one and one could be two and had probably been fabricated by Hegel for the American market on a subcontract from General Dynamics.

Twain Mark


The dirty work at political conventions is almost always done in the grim hours between midnight and dawn. Hangmen and politicians work best when the human spirit is at its lowest ebb.

Twain Mark


Art is anything you can get away with.

Twain Mark


"It says he made us all to be just like him. So if we're dumb, then god is dumb, and maybe even a little ugly on the side."

Twain Mark


Once, I read that a man be never stronger than when he truly realizes how weak he is.

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I steal.

Twain Mark


The old complaint that mass culture is designed for eleven-year-olds is of course a shameful canard. The key age has traditionally been more like fourteen.

Twain Mark


I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the kind of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled substances being in widespread use. Back then, there were no restrictions, in terms of talent, on who could make

Twain Mark


I would like the government to do all it can to mitigate, then, in understanding, in mutuality of interest, in concern for the common good, our tasks will be solved.

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Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.

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"Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like `Amadeus'? I could have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing."

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That government is best which governs least.

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Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch" may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used whe

Twain Mark


Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read.

Twain Mark


of the time.

Twain Mark


Interesting poll results reported in today's New York Post: people on the street in midtown Manhattan were asked whether they approved of the US invasion of Grenada. Fifty-three percent said yes; 39 percent said no; and 8 percent said "Gimme a quart

Twain Mark


Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these.

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Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith.

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Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it's just the opposite.

Twain Mark


However, on religious issues there can be little or no compromise. There is no position on which people are so immovable as their religious beliefs. There is no more powerful ally one can claim in a debate than Jesus Christ, or God, or Allah, or wha

Twain Mark


There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter.

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I never cheated an honest man, only rascals. They wanted something for nothing. I gave them nothing for something.

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Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of government, therefore,

Twain Mark


I love treason but hate a traitor.

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There is a road to freedom. Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor, Honesty, Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and love of the Fatherland.

Twain Mark


We could do that, but it would be wrong, that's for sure.

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Pauca sed matura. [Few but excellent.]

Twain Mark


Liberals are the first to dump you if you con them or get into trouble. Conservatives are better. They never run out on you.

Twain Mark


A sect or party is an elegant incognito devised to save a man from the vexation of thinking.

Twain Mark


"Do you think there's a God?" "Well, ____SOMEbody's out to get me!"

Twain Mark


If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.

Twain Mark


When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to pieces like this but we all have to

Twain Mark


The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and pleasant, the second half still balmy and quite pleasant for those who hadn't heard the scream at all, but not c

Twain Mark


When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.

Twain Mark


Politics are almost as exciting as war, and quite as dangerous. In war, you can only be killed once.

Twain Mark


Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to examine the laws of heat.

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Three o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too late or a little too early for anything you want to do.

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Art is a lie which makes us realize the truth.

Twain Mark


When I hear a man applauded by the mob I always feel a pang of pity for him. All he has to do to be hissed is to live long enough.

Twain Mark


When a man assumes a public trust, he should consider himself as public property.

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I dote on his very absence.

Twain Mark


How is the world ruled, and how do wars start? Diplomats tell lies to journalists, and they believe what they read.

Twain Mark


Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.

Twain Mark


If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.

Twain Mark


The Soviet Union, which has complained recently about alleged anti-Soviet themes in American advertising, lodged an official protest this week against the Ford Motor Company's new campaign: "Hey you stinking, fat Russian, get off my Ford Escort."

Twain Mark


Knowledge is power.

Twain Mark


Man must shape his tools lest they shape him.

Twain Mark


Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even.

Twain Mark


Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Twain Mark


[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity: (1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a

Twain Mark


A national debt, if it is not excessive, will be to us a national blessing.

Twain Mark


Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe? Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business signs to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a word, as in: WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHEC

Twain Mark


The so-called lessons of history are for the most part the rationalizations of the victors. History is written by the survivors.

Twain Mark


Somehow I reached excess without ever noticing when I was passing through satisfaction.

Twain Mark





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It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is?
Carpenter Elizabeth

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