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When alerted to an intrusion by tinkling glass or otherwise, 1) Calm yourself 2) Identify the intruder 3) If hostile, kill him. Step number 3 is of particular importance. If you leave the guy alive out of misguided softheartedness, he will repay y

Englan Mark Twain on New


You can bear anything if it isn't your own fault.

Li Mark Twain


"It's a summons." "What's a summons?" "It means summon's in trouble."

Mark Twain


The Bible says that woman was the last thing God made. Evidently He made her on Saturday night. She reveals his fatigue.

Mark Twain


Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away?

Mark Twain


Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations. He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan, then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open market. If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarri

Mark Twain


A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough to take it all away.

Mark Twain


Gone With The Wind LITE(tm)

Mark Twain


Questions are never indiscreet, answers sometimes are.

Mark Twain


Mental power tended to corrupt, and absolute intelligence tended to corrupt absolutely, until the victim eschewed violence entirely in favor of smart solutions to stupid problems.

Mark Twain


The government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the Christian Religion.

Mark Twain


Or you or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company.

Mark Twain


I always wake up at the crack of ice.

Twain Mark


Tallulah Bankhead barged down the Nile last night as Cleopatra and sank.

Twain Mark


Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

Twain Mark


The only reward of virtue is virtue.

Twain Mark


Politics, like religion, hold up the torches of matrydom to the reformers of error.

Twain Mark


"No job too big; no fee too big!"

Twain Mark


"Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it's just the opposite."

Twain Mark


Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. My advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Twain Mark


Young men think old men are fools; but old men know young men are fools.

Twain Mark


I consider a new device or technology to have been culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder.

Twain Mark


The superfluous is very necessary.

Twain Mark


In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty lashes with the cat or the dog,

Twain Mark


Concerning the war in Vietnam, Senator George Aiken of Vermount noted in January, 1966, "I'm not very keen for doves or hawks. I think we need more owls."

Twain Mark


So you think that money is the root of all evil. Have you ever asked what is the root of money?

Twain Mark


Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home tool sets for under $4?" An excellent question. Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where they

Twain Mark


I don't understand what all the fuss was about in Los Angeles. It's not like we looted Brooks Brothers when Oliver North got off.

Twain Mark


Confucius say too much.

Twain Mark


Maryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on the dance floor. Now everyone's doing it. It's called grand slam dancing.

Twain Mark


People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they don't want it.

Twain Mark


Anyone who has had a bull by the tail knows five or six more things than someone who hasn't.

Twain Mark


All diplomacy is a continuation of war by other means.

Twain Mark


Life is the childhood of our immortality.

Twain Mark


The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

Twain Mark


The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently.

Twain Mark


The world wants to be deceived.

Twain Mark


In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy.

Twain Mark


TV is chewing gum for the eyes.

Twain Mark


The great merit of society is to make one appreciate solitude.

Twain Mark


To be excellent when engaged in administration is to be like the North Star. As it remains in its one position, all the other stars surround it.

Twain Mark


Men ought to know that from the brain and from the brain only arise our pleasures, joys, laughter, and jests as well as our sorrows, pains, griefs and tears. ... It is the same thing which makes us mad or delirious, inspires us with dread and fear,

Twain Mark


There is more to life than increasing its speed.

Twain Mark


The Least Successful Collector Betsy Baker played a central role in the history of collecting. She was employed as a servant in the house of John Warburton (1682-1759) who had amassed a fine collection of 58 first edition plays, including most of t

Twain Mark


When I came back to Dublin I was courtmartialed in my absence and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.

Twain Mark


If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.

Twain Mark


There are more dead people than living, and their numbers are increasing.

Twain Mark


A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel.

Twain Mark


Would that my hand were as swift as my tongue.

Twain Mark


I would like to electrocute everyone who uses the word 'fair' in connection with income tax policies.

Twain Mark


The price of seeking to force our beliefs on others is that someday they might force their beliefs on us.

Twain Mark


With her body, woman is more sincere than man; but with her mind she lies. And when she lies, she does not believe herself.

Twain Mark


I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of the sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for you are loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway.

Twain Mark


Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know any more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he doesn't know much.

Twain Mark


Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances.

Twain Mark


Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.

Twain Mark


There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behaviour.

Twain Mark


Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled.

Twain Mark


It is enough to make one sympathize with a tyrant for the determination of his courtiers to deceive him for their own personal ends...

Twain Mark


One good turn deserves another.

Twain Mark


How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another in the waking state?

Twain Mark


A man is known by the company he organizes.

Twain Mark


A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation. It takes an abundance of imagination, to be sure.

Twain Mark


Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the men are strong, the women are pretty, and the children are above-average.

Twain Mark


[Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

Twain Mark


A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.

Twain Mark


The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

Twain Mark


Don't vote

Twain Mark


Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.

Twain Mark


It's from Casablanca. I've been waiting all my life to use that line.

Twain Mark


What soon grows old? Gratitude.

Twain Mark


If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we would all be millionaires.

Twain Mark


God is Dead.

Twain Mark


I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

Twain Mark


Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.

Twain Mark


The pollution's at that awkward stage. Too thick to navigate and too thin to cultivate.

Twain Mark


People say I live in my own little fantasy world... well, at least they *know* me there!

Twain Mark


Audacity, and again, audacity, and always audacity.

Twain Mark


We should have a great many fewer disputes in the world if only words were taken for what they are, the signs of our ideas only, and not for things themselves.

Twain Mark


Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire rainbow of legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better than he does. As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about it. I am told that he appears to be strong and

Twain Mark


Look ere ye leap.

Twain Mark


Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.

Twain Mark


"It says he made us all to be just like him. So if we're dumb, then god is dumb, and maybe even a little ugly on the side."

Twain Mark


"Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun."

Twain Mark


It is the business of the future to be dangerous.

Twain Mark


There never was a good war or a bad peace.

Twain Mark


Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.

Twain Mark


"You and I as individuals can, by borrowing, live beyond our means, but only for a limited period of time. Why should we think that collectively, as a nation, we are not bound by that same limitation?"

Twain Mark


The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.

Twain Mark


If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly.

Twain Mark


A rich man told me recently that a liberal is a man who tells other people what to do with their money.

Twain Mark


The most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage in the country is the one on which you resell it.

Twain Mark


Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard.

Twain Mark


Hating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie, unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax.

Twain Mark


The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to everybody and still nobody likes him.

Twain Mark





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Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think about sex at all... they become lawyers.
Allen Woody

deep thoughts of brillyant genius of human history
Mark Twain
 
 
 
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