The American system of ours, call it Americanism, call it Capitalism, call it what you like, gives each and every one of us a great opportunity if we only seize it with both hands and make the most of it.

What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.

Practice yourself what you preach.

The meek shall inherit the earth, but *not* its mineral rights.

Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.

Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.

The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they are sober.

The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me.

Chapter 1 The story so far: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern. Every class is unfit to govern.

Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.

Language is a virus from another planet.

A sinking ship gathers no moss.

I'm going to raise an issue and stick it in your ear.

There must be more to life than having everything.

Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in.

The world is full of people who have never, since childhood, met an open doorway with an open mind.

Hope not, lest ye be disappointed.

The most recent attempt to revive the moribund campus left, a national conference held at Rutgers University February 5-7, ended when the participants decided that they were too racist to found a new national organization. The stated goal of the c

One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to represent a creative meeting, and the ratio c

To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

You know you are getting old when you think you should drive the speed limit.

Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both yes and no.

Creativity in living is not without its attendant difficulties, for peculiarity breeds contempt. And the unfortunate thing about being ahead of your time when people finally realize you were right, they'll say it was obvious all along.

Old age is the harbor of all ills.

Men's skin is different from women's skin. It is usually bigger, and it has more snakes tattooed on it. Also, if you examine a woman's skin very closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently tracing the slender curve of her cal

Even if you persuade me, you won't persuade me.

If there is a wrong way to do something, then someone will do it.

Indomitable in retreat; invincible in advance; insufferable in victory.

The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that carries any reward.

In the highest society, as well as in the lowest, woman is merely an instrument of pleasure.

Lookie, lookie, here comes cookie...

"Is it just me, or does anyone else read `bible humpers' every time someone writes `bible thumpers?'

A little bit of rape is good for a man's soul.

If what they've been doing hasn't solved the problem, tell them to do something else.

Even God cannot change the past.

Just weigh your own hurt against the hurt of all the others, and then do what's best.

The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey.

I acted to show my love for Jodie Foster.

If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom; and the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money it values more, it will lose that, too.

The knowledge that makes us cherish innocence makes innocence unattainable.

I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock.

I paid a visit to my local precinct in Greenwich Village and asked a sergeant to show me some rape statistics. He politely obliged. That month there had been thirty-five rape complaints, an advance of ten over the same month for the previous year.

I got vision, and the rest of the world wears bifocals.

There is a road to freedom. Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor, Honesty, Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and love of the Fatherland.

Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.

"Life is too important to take seriously."

Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.

The primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO" represents the secondary theme: Law Enforcement Officials The overall theme of SoupCon shall be: Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials

In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment was expressed by Thomas K. Co

Divorce is a game played by lawyers.

Sometimes I get the feeling that I went to a party on Perry Lane in 1962, and the party spilled out of the house, and came down the street, and covered the world.

There has been a little distress selling on the stock exchange.

It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.

It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim of infanticide.

After the game the king and the pawn go in the same box.

Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books.

I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never any good to oneself.

Alas, I am dying beyond my means.

The Worst Jury A murder trial at Manitoba in February 1978 was well advanced, when one juror revealed that he was completely deaf and did not have the remotest clue what was happening. The judge, Mr. Justice Solomon, asked him if he had heard any

What fools these mortals be.

When the speaker and he to whom he is speaks do not understand, that is metaphysics.

I have had my television aerials removed. It's the moral equivalent of a prostate operation.

NEW YORK

You can bear anything if it isn't your own fault.

About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.

To be excellent when engaged in administration is to be like the North Star. As it remains in its one position, all the other stars surround it.

The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever been.

Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at the blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead.

Were there no women, men might live like gods.

No group of professionals meets except to conspire against the public at large.

I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.

Awash with unfocused desire, Everett twisted the lobe of his one remaining ear and felt the presence of somebody else behind him, which caused terror to push through his nervous system like a flash flood roaring down the mid-fork of the Feather River

Why am I so soft in the middle when the rest of my life is so hard?

XI: If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would get twice as much done. If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty times as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all the managers would fly off. XII: I

"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company."

I am looking for a honest man.

To err is human, to repent, divine, to persist, devilish.

A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.

Most people deserve each other.

This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly, because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has "deregulated" the airline industry. What t

Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think about sex at all... they become lawyers.

Giving money and power to governments is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

Consider well the proportions of things. It is better to be a young June-bug than an old bird of paradise.

Diplomacy is to do and say, the nastiest thing in the nicest way.

Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.

Joe Cool always spends the first two weeks at college sailing his frisbee.

Is uniformity attainable? Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned; yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity. What has been the effect of coercio

Politicians speak for their parties, and parties never are, never have been, and never will be wrong.

I consider a new device or technology to have been culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder.

The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped marker.

The chief cause of problems is solutions.