He hadn't a single redeeming vice.

When the English language gets in my way, I walk over it.

You always introduce the younger person to the older person, using the wording: "Miss Brown, I'd like to introduce you to an older person" (unless her name is not "Miss Brown"). If you do not know a person's age, ask for a driver's license and a ma

If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' it, even if they don't know what it means.

One man's Mede is another man's Persian.

Every man takes the limits of his own field of vision for the limits of the world.

When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.

They sentenced me to twenty years of boredom for trying to change the system from within. I'm coming now I'm coming to reward them. First we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin. I'm guided by a signal in the heavens. I'm guided by this birthmark

A sect or party is an elegant incognito devised to save a man from the vexation of thinking.

I never trust a man unless I've got his pecker in my pocket.

America is a stronger nation for the ACLU's uncompromising effort.

Some women should be beaten regularly, like gongs.

God is Dead.

With her body, woman is more sincere than man; but with her mind she lies. And when she lies, she does not believe herself.

If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.

I never made a mistake in my life. I thought I did once, but I was wrong.

There is no act of treachery or mean-ness of which a political party is not capable; for in politics there is no honour.

The only two things that motivate me and that matter to me are revenge and guilt.

Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of dollars: For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your tax return around under your armpit. No IRS ag

Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.

One of the pleasures of reading old letters is the knowledge that they need no answer.

When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.

Somewhat alarmed at the continued growth of the number of employees on the Department of Agriculture payroll in 1962, Michigan Republican Robert Griffin proposed an amendment to the farm bill so that "the total number of employees in the Department

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

Standards are different for all things, so the standard set by man is by no means the only 'certain' standard. If you mistake what is relative for something certain, you have strayed far from the ultimate truth.

More people are flattered into virtue than bullied out of vice.

If a guru falls in the forest with no one to hear him, was he really a guru at all?

You can't have your cake and let your neighbor eat it too.

In the long run we are all dead.

Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp. It's 2 cents for postage and 30 cents for storage.

Three things have been difficult to tame: The oceans, fools, and women. We may soon be able to tame the ocean. Fools and women will take a little longer.

Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as "Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence"

If it doesn't smell yet, it's pretty fresh.

We ... make the modern error of dignifying the Individual. We do everything we can to butter him up. We give him a name, assure him that he has certain inalienable rights, educate him, let him pass on his name to his brats and when he dies we give

Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best.

Virtue would go far if vanity did not keep it company.

My daddy's brains was so scrambled he thought he was Jesus. They put him in a nut house for 5 years and when he got out, he didn't think he was Jesus, he thought he was *God*! ... Which made me Jesus.

The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth.

You can't start worrying about what's going to happen. You get spastic enough worrying about what's happening now.

The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover's Lane holding his own hand.

I would like the government to do all it can to mitigate, then, in understanding, in mutuality of interest, in concern for the common good, our tasks will be solved.

There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true.

Let us never negotiate out of fear, but let us never fear to negotiate.

Forgive him, for he believes that the customs of his tribe are the laws of nature!

He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man.

Mandrell: "You know what I think?" Doctor: "Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you don't think, right?"

If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism.

The very first essential for success is a perpetually constant and regular employment of violence.

If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets and fire them all off, wouldn't you?

When neither their poverty nor their honor is touched, the majority of men live content.

He's a son-of-a-bitch, but he's our son-of-a-bitch.

You see things; and you say "Why?" But I dream things that never were; and I say "Why not?"

I always wake up at the crack of ice.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should therefore be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated. If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to declare war and they are screened at onc

Imagine there's no heaven... it's easy if you try.

Ten persons who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent.

Ye've also got to remember that ... respectable people do the most astonishin' things to preserve their respectability. Thank God I'm not respectable.

American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference between the men's room and the women's room with

There never was a good war or a bad peace.

Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody.

I went to my mother and told her I intended to commence a different life. I asked for and obtained her blessing and at once commenced the career of a robber.

The old complaint that mass culture is designed for eleven-year-olds is of course a shameful canard. The key age has traditionally been more like fourteen.

"Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex." (Where there is no police, there is no speed limit.)

A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks.

From the cradle to the coffin underwear comes first.

War is delightful to those who have had no experience of it.

If you cannot in the long run tell everyone what you have been doing, your doing was worthless.

Thinking you know something is a sure way to blind yourself.

Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have taken him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an excess of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature.

For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels, each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall was a gate.

It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the r

The chief enemy of creativity is "good" sense

Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York City. One is "Hey, taxi." Two is, "What train do I take to get to Bloomingdale's?" And three is, "Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound."

"I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the nominating."

"Life would be much simpler and things would get done much faster if it weren't for other people"

As failures go, attempting to recall the past is like trying to grasp the meaning of existence. Both make one feel like a baby clutching at a basketball: one's palms keep sliding off.

Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high, they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.

Don't despise your poor relations, they may become suddenly rich one day.

Competitive fury is not always anger. It is the true missionary's courage and zeal in facing the possibility that one's best may not be enough.

Something better... 13 (sympathetic): Oh, What happened? Did your parents lose a bet with God? 14 (complimentary): You must love the little birdies to give them this to perch on. 15 (scientific): Say, does that thing there influence the tides?

Questions are never indiscreet, answers sometimes are.

If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.

I am a man: nothing human is alien to me.

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years organising and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office.

an idiot politically. But the designations may be good business for war veterans. Having bled for their country in 1861 and 1918, they have bled it all they could consequently. And why not?"

Hindsight is always 20:20.

I have just enough white in me to make my honesty questionable.

The Least Successful Defrosting Device The all-time record here is held by Mr. Peter Rowlands of Lancaster whose lips became frozen to his lock in 1979 while blowing warm air on it. "I got down on my knees to breathe into the lock. Somehow my lips

When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.

If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.

Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in.

Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.

The conservation movement is a breeding ground of Communists and other subversives. We intend to clean them out, even if it means rounding up every bird watcher in the country.

When the ax entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us!"