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One good turn asketh another.

Englan Mark Twain on New


Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

Li Mark Twain


If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.

Mark Twain


Plastic... Aluminum... These are the inheritors of the Universe! Flesh and Blood have had their day... and that day is past!

Mark Twain


It doesn't matter whether you win or lose

Mark Twain


The executioner is, I hear, very expert, and my neck is very slender.

Mark Twain


Most general statements are false, including this one.

Mark Twain


Life is the childhood of our immortality.

Mark Twain


Woman is generally so bad that the difference between a good and a bad woman scarcely exists.

Mark Twain


"If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination."

Mark Twain


Sorry 'bout that sweat, honey. That's just holy water.

Mark Twain


The problem that we thought was a problem was, indeed, a problem, but not the problem we thought was the problem.

Mark Twain


Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest amount of hot air.

Twain Mark


When eating an elephant take one bite at a time.

Twain Mark


"Plaese porrf raed."

Twain Mark


You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.

Twain Mark


Well, you know, no matter where you go, there you are.

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He that composes himself is wiser than he that composes a book.

Twain Mark


Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment.

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He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.

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In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment was expressed by Thomas K. Co

Twain Mark


One learns to itch where one can scratch.

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It shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the municipality.

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No two persons ever read the same book.

Twain Mark


"I'm dying," he croaked. "My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted . "You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized. "That's no beagle, it's a mongrel," she muttered. "The fire is going out," he bellowed. "Bad marksmanship," the h

Twain Mark


I'd just as soon kiss a Wookie.

Twain Mark


The `loner' may be respected, but he is always resented by his colleagues, for he seems to be passing a critical judgment on them, when he may be simply making a limiting statement about himself.

Twain Mark


The eye is a menace to clear sight, the ear is a menace to subtle hearing, the mind is a menace to wisdom, every organ of the senses is a menace to its own capacity. ... Fuss, the god of the Southern Ocean, and Fret, the god of the Northern Ocean, h

Twain Mark


Look before you leap.

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The first requisite for immortality is death.

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Coincidences are spiritual puns.

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You can fool all the people all of the time if the advertising is right and the budget is big enough.

Twain Mark


"I have to convince you, or at least snow you ..."

Twain Mark


Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge.

Twain Mark


Like ya know? Rock 'N Roll is an esoteric language that unlocks the creativity chambers in people's brains, and like totally activates their essential hipness, which of course is like totally necessary for saving the earth, like because the first th

Twain Mark


The man who has never been flogged has never been taught.

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Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to?

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"You mean, if you allow the master to be uncivil, to treat you any old way he likes, and to insult your dignity, then he may deem you fit to hear his view of things?" "Quite the contrary. You must defend your integrity, assuming you have integrit

Twain Mark


He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news.

Twain Mark


It is only by risking our persons from one hour to another that we live at all. And often enough our faith beforehand in an uncertified result is the only thing that makes the result come true.

Twain Mark


The means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers, always end up on their ends without any means.

Twain Mark


Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.

Twain Mark


The philosopher's treatment of a question is like the treatment of an illness.

Twain Mark


"Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever

Twain Mark


"Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him."

Twain Mark


Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of government, therefore,

Twain Mark


Never buy from a rich salesman.

Twain Mark


When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.

Twain Mark


Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.

Twain Mark


He who despairs over an event is a coward, but he who holds hopes for the human condition is a fool.

Twain Mark


The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better people, and don't come in clearly enough.

Twain Mark


Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives.

Twain Mark


It's always darkest just before the lights go out.

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We have reason to be afraid. This is a terrible place.

Twain Mark


Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.

Twain Mark


Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more spectacular adventure starring... Tippy, the Wonder Dog!

Twain Mark


Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their handbags are full.

Twain Mark


No excellent soul is exempt from a mixture of madness.

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This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.

Twain Mark


Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education is what you get when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't.

Twain Mark


If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads.

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Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to examine the laws of heat.

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Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in.

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The salary of the chief executive of the large corporation is not a market award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal gesture by the individual to himself.

Twain Mark


Before you ask more questions, think about whether you really want to know the answers.

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A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.

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The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose.

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The more laws and order are made prominent, the more thieves and robbers there will be.

Twain Mark


You can't expect a boy to be vicious till he's been to a good school.

Twain Mark


If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive!

Twain Mark


In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence ... in time every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is incompetent to carry out its duties ... Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their

Twain Mark


Mum's the word.

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"You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks."

Twain Mark


He who has the courage to laugh is almost as much a master of the world as he who is ready to die.

Twain Mark


If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism.

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It is the business of the future to be dangerous.

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That's no moon...

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When the sun shineth, make hay.

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The ratio of literacy to illiteracy is a constant, but nowadays the illiterates can read.

Twain Mark


There is nothing new except what has been forgotten.

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Lo! Men have become the tool of their tools.

Twain Mark


Twain Mark


In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment was expressed by Thomas K. Co

Twain Mark


Brahma said: Well, after hearing ten thousand explanations, a fool is no wiser. But an intelligent man needs only two thousand five hundred.

Twain Mark


"It's kind of fun to do the impossible."

Twain Mark


I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of the sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for you are loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway.

Twain Mark


Non-Determinism is not meant to be reasonable.

Twain Mark


"The jig's up, Elman." "Which jig?"

Twain Mark


He that bringeth a present, findeth the door open.

Twain Mark


I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual becoming, with a goal in front and not behin

Twain Mark


[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity: (1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a

Twain Mark


It's very glamorous to raise millions of dollars, until it's time for the venture capitalist to suck your eyeballs out.

Twain Mark


Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

Twain Mark


Plots are like girdles. Hidden, they hold your interest; revealed, they're of no interest except to fetishists. Like girdles, they attempt to contain an uncontainable experience.

Twain Mark





Random Quote


"I don't understand," said the scientist, "why you lemmings all rush down to the sea and drown yourselves." "How curious," said the lemming. "The one thing I don't understand is why you human beings don't."
Thurber James

deep thoughts of brillyant genius of human history
Mark Twain
 
 
 
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