Honesty's the best policy.

We were so poor we couldn't afford a watchdog. If we heard a noise at night, we'd bark ourselves.

Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt?

There must be more to life than having everything.

Never buy from a rich salesman.

Have you ever stopped to think what it would be like to have a woman President? "I can't deal with the Russians today. Not now. I've got my period."

With women, I've got a long bamboo pole with a leather loop on the end of it. I slip the loop around their necks so they can't get away or come too close. Like catching snakes.

A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.

That Xanthippe's husband should have become so great a philosopher is remarkable. Amid all the scolding, to be able to think! But he could not write: that was impossible. Socrates has not left us a single book.

If your happiness depends on what somebody else does, I guess you do have a problem.

Those who do things in a noble spirit of self-sacrifice are to be avoided at all costs.

Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you awfully comfortable while you're being miserable.

No excellent soul is exempt from a mixture of madness.

The trouble with superheros is what to do between phone booths.

I understand why you're confused. You're thinking too much.

When the ax entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us!"

Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.

Somehow I reached excess without ever noticing when I was passing through satisfaction.

America, I'm putting my queer shoulder to the wheel.

Work Hard. Rock Hard. Eat Hard. Sleep Hard. Grow Big. Wear Glasses If You Need 'Em.

Would that my hand were as swift as my tongue.

Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest r

Some women should be beaten regularly, like gongs.

Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground

Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge.

A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.

Remembering is for those who have forgotten.

"Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school.

The future not being born, my friend, we will abstain from baptizing it.

It is only by risking our persons from one hour to another that we live at all. And often enough our faith beforehand in an uncertified result is the only thing that makes the result come true.

If a fool persists in his folly he shall become wise.

When the sun shineth, make hay.

A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.

Whom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods.

Nice guys finish last.

A good name lost is seldom regained. When character is gone, all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever.

There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary as 'unearned income.'

The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.

There's no justice in this world.

Nonsense and beauty have close connections.

Do not seek death; death will find you. But seek the road which makes death a fulfillment.

A good reputation is more valuable than money.

Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.

"We maintain that the very foundation of our way of life is what we call free enterprise," said Cash McCall, "but when one of our citizens show enough free enterprise to pile up a little of that profit, we do our best to make him feel that he ought t

Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget.

Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral.

The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions.

It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed.

It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim of infanticide.

Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.

[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity: (1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a

Truth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominy of him that brought her birth.

A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students.

It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the r

There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Pope.

If you sell diamonds, you cannot expect to have many customers. But a diamond is a diamond even if there are no customers.

You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements.

Well, the handwriting is on the floor.

"I have to convince you, or at least snow you ..."

It is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final.

We're living in a golden age. All you need is gold.

The Worst Musical Trio There are few bad musicians who have a chance to give a recital at a famous concert hall while still learning the rudiments of their instrument. This happened about thirty years ago to the son of a Rumanian gentleman who was

Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.

We're fantastically incredibly sorry for all these extremely unreasonable things we did. I can only plead that my simple, barely-sentient friend and myself are underprivileged, deprived and also college students.

Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch" may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used whe

It is through symbols that man consciously or unconsciously lives, works and has his being.

There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.

If we spoke a different language, we would perceive a somewhat different world.

Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life.

If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, it might well prolong his life.

Men's skin is different from women's skin. It is usually bigger, and it has more snakes tattooed on it. Also, if you examine a woman's skin very closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently tracing the slender curve of her cal

[He] took me into his library and showed me his books, of which he had a complete set.

Would it help if I got out and pushed?

You climb to reach the summit, but once there, discover that all roads lead down.

Love the sea? I dote upon it

You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.

'Naomi, sex at noon taxes.' I moan. Never odd or even. A man, a plan, a canal, Panama. Madam, I'm Adam. Sit on a potato pan, Otis. Sit on Otis.

A definition of teaching: casting fake pearls before real swine.

Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to exactly the point of most pressure.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some kind of loophole.

There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life is the process of discovering them over and over and over.

The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose.

There's nothing worse for your business than extra Santa Clauses smoking in the men's room.

The philosopher's treatment of a question is like the treatment of an illness.

Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and resisting the current what each had

Two heads are better than one.

God helps them that help themselves.

The old complaint that mass culture is designed for eleven-year-olds is of course a shameful canard. The key age has traditionally been more like fourteen.

Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental Anguish. You would sue: * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions

We're only in it for the volume.

What excuses stand in your way? How can you eliminate them?

An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God. Some of these eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as possible.

The sky is blue so we know where to stop mowing.

Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.