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Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

Englan Mark Twain on New


I reverently believe that the maker who made us all makes everything in New England, but the weather. I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in New England, fo

Li Mark Twain


Has the great art and mystery of politics no apparent utility? Does it appear to be unqualifiedly ratty, raffish, sordid, obscene and low down, and its salient virtuosi a gang of umitigated scoundrels? Then let us not forget its high capacity to soo

Mark Twain


The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.

Mark Twain


Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying as an income tax refund.

Mark Twain


You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.

Mark Twain


"Listen to what I say, not what I mean. I mean ...."

Mark Twain


Remember that there is an outside world to see and enjoy.

Mark Twain


My tears stuck in their little ducts, refusing to be jerked.

Mark Twain


Whom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods.

Mark Twain


Many a long dispute between divines may thus be abridged: It is so. It is not so. It is so. It is not so.

Mark Twain


With all the talent around, it's sort of amazing that a woman could be up here with us.

Mark Twain


Grub first, then ethics.

Twain Mark


I knew her before she was a virgin.

Twain Mark


If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing.

Twain Mark


"You boys lookin' for trouble?" "Sure. Whaddya got?"

Twain Mark


We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. But there was also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song at a French restaurant. [...] I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of her milk w

Twain Mark


Now it is such a bizarrely improbable coincidence that anything so mind- bogglingly useful could have evolved purely by chance that some thinkers have chosen to see it as a final and clinching proof of the non-existence of God. The argument follows:

Twain Mark


If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all.

Twain Mark


When I have one foot in the grave I will tell the truth about women. I shall tell it, jump into my coffin, pull the lid over me, and say, "Do what you like now."

Twain Mark


A racially integrated community is a chronological term timed from the entrance of the first black family to the exit of the last white family.

Twain Mark


There is no ox so dumb as the orthodox.

Twain Mark


The two party system ... is a triumph of the dialectic. It showed that two could be one and one could be two and had probably been fabricated by Hegel for the American market on a subcontract from General Dynamics.

Twain Mark


If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.

Twain Mark


He that composes himself is wiser than he that composes a book.

Twain Mark


No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.

Twain Mark


You must be the change you wish to see in the world.

Twain Mark


The introduction of a new kind of music must be shunned as imperiling the whole state, for styles of music are never disturbed without affecting the most important political institutions. ... The new style, gradually gaining a lodgement, quitely ins

Twain Mark


How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another in the waking state?

Twain Mark


He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom.

Twain Mark


Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the world is love. The poor know that it is money.

Twain Mark


A game can by God repent or we'll punish it. That's how they did it in Salem in the seventeenth century, and that's how we'll do it now.

Twain Mark


If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we would all be millionaires.

Twain Mark


A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.

Twain Mark


No group of professionals meets except to conspire against the public at large.

Twain Mark


There is no proverb that is not true.

Twain Mark


Seeing that death, a necessary end, Will come when it will come.

Twain Mark


The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly important thing to people.

Twain Mark


There are many of us in this old world of ours who hold that things break about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get about the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summer and the poor get it in the winter.

Twain Mark


The only "ism" Hollywood believes in is plagiarism.

Twain Mark


NEW YORK

Twain Mark


He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him.

Twain Mark


We know all about the habits of the ant, we know all about the habits of the bee, but we know nothing at all about the habits of the oyster. It seems almost certain that we have been choosing the wrong time for studying the oyster.

Twain Mark


"Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence"

Twain Mark


Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around us in awareness.

Twain Mark


Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.

Twain Mark


"I'm dying," he croaked. "My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted . "You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized. "That's no beagle, it's a mongrel," she muttered. "The fire is going out," he bellowed. "Bad marksmanship," the h

Twain Mark


Necessity has no law.

Twain Mark


You know very well that whether you are on page one or page thirty depends on whether [the press] fear you. It is just as simple as that.

Twain Mark


There is a secret person undamaged within every individual.

Twain Mark


If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' it, even if they don't know what it means.

Twain Mark


I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands, one nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

Twain Mark


Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to examine the laws of heat.

Twain Mark


Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.

Twain Mark


The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.

Twain Mark


The primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO" represents the secondary theme: Law Enforcement Officials The overall theme of SoupCon shall be: Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials

Twain Mark


Harp not on that string.

Twain Mark


I understand why you're confused. You're thinking too much.

Twain Mark


Everyone is in the best seat.

Twain Mark


God shows his contempt for wealth by the kind of person he selects to receive it.

Twain Mark


There must be more to life than having everything.

Twain Mark


One of my favorite jokes, a telling commentary on Jewish mothers' capacity to lay on guilt, involves the mother who gave her son two neckties on Chanuka. The boy hurried into his bedroom, ripped off the tie he was wearing, put on one of the ties his

Twain Mark


If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women you've got in the house.

Twain Mark


There are three infallible ways of pleasing an author, and the three form a rising scale of compliment: 1, to tell him you have read one of his books; 2, to tell him you have read all of his books; 3, to ask him to let you read the manuscript of his

Twain Mark


"I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia, I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun."

Twain Mark


Rascal, am I? Take THAT!

Twain Mark


If you would know the value of money, go try to borrow some.

Twain Mark


Forgive your enemies, but don't forget their names.

Twain Mark


Non-Determinism is not meant to be reasonable.

Twain Mark


Russia has abolished God, but so far God has been more tolerant.

Twain Mark


If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.

Twain Mark


Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.

Twain Mark


When alerted to an intrusion by tinkling glass or otherwise, 1) Calm yourself 2) Identify the intruder 3) If hostile, kill him. Step number 3 is of particular importance. If you leave the guy alive out of misguided softheartedness, he will repay y

Twain Mark


I have a dream. I have a dream that one day, on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

Twain Mark


If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.

Twain Mark


If you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that's read by persons who move their lips when the're reading to themselves.

Twain Mark


Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday.

Twain Mark


Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away?

Twain Mark


We must remember that in time of war what is said on the enemy's side of the front is always propaganda and what is said on our side of the front is truth and righteousness, the cause of humanity and a crusade for peace.

Twain Mark


I've got Hubert's pecker in my pocket.

Twain Mark


Never tell people how to do things. Tell them WHAT to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.

Twain Mark


The error of youth is to believe that intelligence is a substitute for experience, while the error of age is to believe experience is a substitute for intelligence.

Twain Mark


The universe is made of stories, not of atoms.

Twain Mark


The time spent on any item of the agenda [of a finance committee] will be in inverse proportion to the sum involved.

Twain Mark


I do not patronize poor, ill educated, or disenfranchised people by exempting them from the same critical examination I feel free to direct toward the rest of society, however much I might champion the same minority or disadvantaged group in the foru

Twain Mark


If you have seen one city slum you have seen them all.

Twain Mark


An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad to lie and intrigue for the benefit of his country.

Twain Mark


In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment was expressed by Thomas K. Co

Twain Mark


The Worst Jury A murder trial at Manitoba in February 1978 was well advanced, when one juror revealed that he was completely deaf and did not have the remotest clue what was happening. The judge, Mr. Justice Solomon, asked him if he had heard any

Twain Mark


Charity begins at home.

Twain Mark


The horizon of many people is a circle with a radius of zero. They call this their point of view.

Twain Mark


There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary as 'unearned income.'

Twain Mark


TV is chewing gum for the eyes.

Twain Mark


Intellect annuls Fate. So far as a man thinks, he is free.

Twain Mark


The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism are one, and that one is marxism.

Twain Mark





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Lord, what fools these mortals be!
Shakespeare William

deep thoughts of brillyant genius of human history
Mark Twain
 
 
 
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