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If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.

Englan Mark Twain on New


Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy.

Li Mark Twain


Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books.

Mark Twain


A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.

Mark Twain


We have reason to be afraid. This is a terrible place.

Mark Twain


Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation. In an instant, armed troops surroun

Mark Twain


Brahma said: Well, after hearing ten thousand explanations, a fool is no wiser. But an intelligent man needs only two thousand five hundred.

Mark Twain


My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my family, it seems, begins where yours left off.

Mark Twain


... before I could come to any conclusion it occurred to me that my speech or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility. What did it matter what anyone knew or ignored? What did it matter who was manager? One gets sometimes s

Mark Twain


Boston State House is the hub of the Solar System. You couldn't pry that out of a Boston man if you had the tire of all creation straightened out for a crowbar.

Mark Twain


Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill gives us modern art.

Mark Twain


Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamp-post how it feels about dogs.

Mark Twain


I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness; And from that full meridian of my glory I haste now to my setting. I shall fall, Like a bright exhalation in the evening And no man see me more.

Twain Mark


It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our offense consists in doubting it.

Twain Mark


Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.

Twain Mark


The college graduate is presented with a sheepskin to cover his intellectual nakedness.

Twain Mark


It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion.

Twain Mark


A full belly makes a dull brain.

Twain Mark


Mundus vult decipi decipiatur ergo.

Twain Mark


If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world.

Twain Mark


If you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that's read by persons who move their lips when the're reading to themselves.

Twain Mark


His followers called him Mahasamatman and said he was a god. He preferred to drop the Maha- and the -atman, however, and called himself Sam. He never claimed to be a god. But then, he never claimed not to be a god. Circum- stances being what they

Twain Mark


I know on which side my bread is buttered.

Twain Mark


So little time, so little to do.

Twain Mark


Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think about sex at all... they become lawyers.

Twain Mark


The only "ism" Hollywood believes in is plagiarism.

Twain Mark


The real purpose of books is to trap the mind into doing its own thinking.

Twain Mark


A woman's a woman until the day she dies, but a man's only a man as long as he can.

Twain Mark


Wagner's music is better than it sounds.

Twain Mark


A journey of a thousand miles starts under one's feet.

Twain Mark


I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and I wasn't tempted to buy

Twain Mark


The old complaint that mass culture is designed for eleven-year-olds is of course a shameful canard. The key age has traditionally been more like fourteen.

Twain Mark


There's such a thing as too much point on a pencil.

Twain Mark


Hell is empty and all the devils are here.

Twain Mark


The optimum committee has no members.

Twain Mark


You can never do just one thing.

Twain Mark


A sequel is an admission that you've been reduced to imitating yourself.

Twain Mark


"Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around, I'd rather lie around. No contest."

Twain Mark


Perhaps no person can be a poet, or even enjoy poetry without a certain unsoundness of mind.

Twain Mark


How should they answer?

Twain Mark


The chief cause of problems is solutions.

Twain Mark


Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment.

Twain Mark


Not to laugh, not to lament, not to curse, but to understand.

Twain Mark


XXI: It's easy to get a loan unless you need it. XXII: If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock, not selling advice. XXIII: Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is currently estimated. XXIV:

Twain Mark


Better late than never.

Twain Mark


Imagine what we can imagine!

Twain Mark


There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need the money; the second that you have something to say that you think the world should know; the third is that you can't think what to do with the long winter evenings.

Twain Mark


"I have to convince you, or at least snow you ..."

Twain Mark


Sorry 'bout that sweat, honey. That's just holy water.

Twain Mark


The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

Twain Mark


A violent man will die a violent death.

Twain Mark


What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

Twain Mark


All of us should treasure his Oriental wisdom and his preaching of a Zen-like detachment, as exemplified by his constant reminder to clerks, tellers, or others who grew excited by his presence in their banks: "Just lie down on the floor and keep calm

Twain Mark


I just asked myself... what would John DeLorean do?

Twain Mark


He jests at scars who never felt a wound.

Twain Mark


A good reputation is more valuable than money.

Twain Mark


It was a female that drove me to drink and I didn't even have the kindness to thank her.

Twain Mark


If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly.

Twain Mark


Naked children have never played in _o_u_r fountains, and I.M. Pei will never be happy on Route 66.

Twain Mark


Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very opposite applies with the judges.

Twain Mark


Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse.

Twain Mark


The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.

Twain Mark


Time as he grows old teaches all things.

Twain Mark


"There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him during the trial."

Twain Mark


Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic table.

Twain Mark


"It's kind of fun to do the impossible."

Twain Mark


What passes for optimism is most often the effect of an intellectual error.

Twain Mark


I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock.

Twain Mark


A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students.

Twain Mark


Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it.

Twain Mark


Delay not, Caesar. Read it instantly.

Twain Mark


Very few people do anything creative after the age of thirty-five. The reason is that very few people do anything creative before the age of thirty-five.

Twain Mark


Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business. Cheat.

Twain Mark


Turn the other cheek.

Twain Mark


Anything is possible on paper.

Twain Mark


Well, you know, no matter where you go, there you are.

Twain Mark


We'll be recording at the Paradise Friday night. Live, on the Death label.

Twain Mark


Prizes are for children.

Twain Mark


Fortune's Guide to Freshman Notetaking: WHEN THE PROFESSOR SAYS: YOU WRITE: Probably the greatest quality of the poetry John Milton

Twain Mark


October 12, the Discovery. It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.

Twain Mark


Art is either plagiarism or revolution.

Twain Mark


When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.

Twain Mark


Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade, since it consists principally of dealings with men.

Twain Mark


We can embody the truth, but we cannot know it.

Twain Mark


In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment was expressed by Thomas K. Co

Twain Mark


I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.

Twain Mark


Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away someone else's cash.

Twain Mark


The man who runs may fight again.

Twain Mark


"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away".

Twain Mark


"We're not talking about the same thing," he said. "For you the world is weird because if you're not bored with it you're at odds with it. For me the world is weird because it is stupendous, awesome, mysterious, unfathomable; my interest has been to

Twain Mark


There is no fool to the old fool.

Twain Mark


Hating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie, unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax.

Twain Mark


We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. But there was also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song at a French restaurant. [...] I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of her milk w

Twain Mark


Never take a resume seriously. Resumes only make money for the people who write the resumes. No resume ever tells an employer how many times a job applicant has had the clap. Why, indeed, would anyone hire a person based on a resume written by a

Twain Mark


The future not being born, my friend, we will abstain from baptizing it.

Twain Mark





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There are no manifestos like cannon and musketry.
Wellington The Duke of

deep thoughts of brillyant genius of human history
Mark Twain
 
 
 
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