An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see a great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures. I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment. I have given up everything I was aske

Instead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better.

When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all.

San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.

You mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond the obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason, and an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you.

"Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it."

Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, but remember, it didn't help the rabbit.

The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes.

Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.

If men are not afraid to die, it is of no avail to threaten them with death. If men live in constant fear of dying, And if breaking the law means a man will be killed, Who will dare to break the law? There is always an official executioner. If

An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition.

It was a female that drove me to drink and I didn't even have the kindness to thank her.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Where there is much light there is also much shadow.

Someday, Weederman, we'll look back on all this and laugh... It will probably be one of those deep, eerie ones that slowly builds to a blood-curdling maniacal scream... but still it will be a laugh.

You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.

Let's remind ourselves that last year's fresh idea is today's cliche.

The first requisite for immortality is death.

I always wake up at the crack of ice.

Try not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be educational.

Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.

There's no such thing as a free lunch.

Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives.

Beauty is one of the rare things which does not lead to doubt of God.

There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

October 12, the Discovery. It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.

The superfluous is very necessary.

No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.

In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy.

By perseverance the snail reached the Ark.

When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.

The best case: Get salary from America, build a house in England, live with a Japanese wife, and eat Chinese food. Pretty good case: Get salary from England, build a house in America, live with a Chinese wife, and eat Japanese food. The wo

There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary as 'unearned income.'

Sweet April showers do spring May flowers.

Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop writing.

Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.

"In Christianity neither morality nor religion come into contact with reality at any point."

The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes, respectability and children. Nothing can lift those seven milestones from man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the milestones are lifted.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.

Great acts are made up of small deeds.

Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books.

They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps.

"Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school.

Never laugh at live dragons.

The `loner' may be respected, but he is always resented by his colleagues, for he seems to be passing a critical judgment on them, when he may be simply making a limiting statement about himself.

He jests at scars who never felt a wound.

It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.

When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff.

All things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed.

Life is the childhood of our immortality.

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.

I've got a very bad feeling about this.

Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith.

You can observe a lot just by watching.

Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform.

If what they've been doing hasn't solved the problem, tell them to do something else.

My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.

There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life is the process of discovering them over and over and over.

It is the business of the future to be dangerous.

When alerted to an intrusion by tinkling glass or otherwise, 1) Calm yourself 2) Identify the intruder 3) If hostile, kill him. Step number 3 is of particular importance. If you leave the guy alive out of misguided softheartedness, he will repay y

Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish.

If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.

Art is anything you can get away with.

I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men

We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it - and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that is well; but also she will never

Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a number. Youre two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and another number.

If you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that's read by persons who move their lips when the're reading to themselves.

Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.

Too much is just enough.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

There's no such thing as a free lunch.

Television is now so desperately hungry for material that it is scraping the top of the barrel.

In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred thousand miles long ... se

One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.

Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the villagers gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," said Nasrudin, "I only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the villagers but the stupidest ran off to spr

Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much better.

We'll be recording at the Paradise Friday night. Live, on the Death label.

The old complaint that mass culture is designed for eleven-year-olds is of course a shameful canard. The key age has traditionally been more like fourteen.

I'm always looking for a new idea that will be more productive than its cost.

If I had any humility I would be perfect.

It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off the ground.

I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out the lessons that they teach. Oh, tell me that I may s

Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground

All phone calls are obscene.

Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two points.

The truth is rarely pure, and never simple.

Faith is under the left nipple.

Yawd [noun, Bostonese]: the campus of Have Id.

The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.

The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.

Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled.

CF&C stole it, fair and square.

The world has many unintentionally cruel mechanisms that are not designed for people who walk on their hands.

Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.