It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the r

Just once I would like to persuade the audience not to wear any article of blue denim. If only they could see themselves in a pair of brown corduroys like mine instead of this awful, boring blue denim. I don't enjoy the sky or sea as much as I used

Just because you like my stuff doesn't mean I owe you anything.

All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies.

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Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women it is merely a good excuse not to play football.

Governor Tarkin. I should have expected to find you holding Vader's leash. I thought I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on board.

Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't, don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

If your happiness depends on what somebody else does, I guess you do have a problem.

Nothing succeeds like success.

... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If somebody gets handed a name like "H.

The future is a race between education and catastrophe.

Somehow I reached excess without ever noticing when I was passing through satisfaction.

When I reflect upon the number of disagreeable people who I know who have gone to a better world, I am moved to lead a different life.

Wagner's music is better than it sounds.

If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we would all be millionaires.

I had another dream the other day about music critics. They were small and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they had stepped out of a painting by Goya.