It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do.

All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies.

Well, we'll really have a party, but we've gotta post a guard outside.

If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to get the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. See in college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving the natural method of teaching what each

With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time they make a law it's a joke.

What passes for optimism is most often the effect of an intellectual error.

I have ways of making money that you know nothing of.

It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim of infanticide.

If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell.

Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business. Cheat.

The sunlights differ, but there is only one darkness.

My tears stuck in their little ducts, refusing to be jerked.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

The profession of book writing makes horse racing seem like a solid, stable business.

A woman who is unfaithful deserves to be shot.

One good turn asketh another.