If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive!

...He who laughs does not believe in what he laughs at, but neither does he hate it. Therefore, laughing at evil means not preparing oneself to combat it, and laughing at good means denying the power through which good is self-propagating.

Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather a new wearer of clothes.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

God helps them that help themselves.

A woman's a woman until the day she dies, but a man's only a man as long as he can.

A good scapegoat is hard to find. A guilty conscience is the mother of invention.

Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind the railroad yards."

The sky is blue so we know where to stop mowing.

Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money.

The tree in which the sap is stagnant remains fruitless.

I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock.

For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.

The man who runs may fight again.

The Bible says that woman was the last thing God made. Evidently He made her on Saturday night. She reveals his fatigue.

Waste not fresh tears over old griefs.

Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks.

There's no justice in this world.

HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., motion that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate amendment making changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. The Senate amendment was an amendment to the

Necessity has no law.

Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.

Imagine what we can imagine!

A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.

Man must shape his tools lest they shape him.

It is imperative when flying coach that you restrain any tendency toward the vividly imaginative. For although it may momentarily appear to be the case, it is not at all likely that the cabin is entirely inhabited by crying babies smoking inexpensiv

Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich and powerful know that he is.

Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in.

If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.

The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped marker.

May you live in uninteresting times.

Whatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts.

Those who do things in a noble spirit of self-sacrifice are to be avoided at all costs.

The best you get is an even break.

It is so stupid of modern civilisation to have given up believing in the devil when he is the only explanation of it.

Never take a resume seriously. Resumes only make money for the people who write the resumes. No resume ever tells an employer how many times a job applicant has had the clap. Why, indeed, would anyone hire a person based on a resume written by a

Plastic... Aluminum... These are the inheritors of the Universe! Flesh and Blood have had their day... and that day is past!

A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.

Have the courage to take your own thoughts seriously, for they will shape you.

Nonsense and beauty have close connections.