"Plaese porrf raed."

I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men

No is no negative in a woman's mouth.

Housework can kill you if done right.

The philosopher's treatment of a question is like the treatment of an illness.

The truth is rarely pure, and never simple.

Lay off the muses, it's a very tough dollar.

A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.

Thou hast seen nothing yet.

"I'm dying," he croaked. "My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted . "You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized. "That's no beagle, it's a mongrel," she muttered. "The fire is going out," he bellowed. "Bad marksmanship," the h

It is only the man whose intellect is clouded by his sexual impulse that could give the name of the fair sex to that undersized, narrow-shouldered, broad-hipped, and short-legged race.

Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest r

The most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage in the country is the one on which you resell it.

Adde parvum parvo manus acervus erit. [Add little to little and there will be a big pile.]

There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself.

I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.

Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you awfully comfortable while you're being miserable.

It shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the municipality.

Life is like a 10 speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.

In my end is my beginning.

Watch your mouth, kid, or you'll find yourself floating home.

If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads.

An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see a great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures. I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment. I have given up everything I was aske

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

At ebb tide I wrote a line upon the sand, and gave it all my heart and all my soul. At flood tide I returned to read what I had inscribed and found my ignorance upon the shore.

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

If you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk. If you wish to be happy for three days, get married. If you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it. If you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish.

"World conquerors sometimes become fools, but fools never become world conquerors."

As failures go, attempting to recall the past is like trying to grasp the meaning of existence. Both make one feel like a baby clutching at a basketball: one's palms keep sliding off.

All is well that ends well.

Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities, requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by tur

There is a good deal of solemn cant about the common interests of capital and labour. As matters stand, their only common interest is that of cutting each other's throat.

If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.

It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters.

I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education.

Let's remind ourselves that last year's fresh idea is today's cliche.

Odets, where is thy sting?

Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest amount of hot air.