Instead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better.

The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist "Jack."

Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped.

It doesn't matter whether you win or lose

You are never given a wish without also being given the power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however.

What!? Me worry?

Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities, requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by tur

Ninety percent of everything is crap.

Getting into trouble is easy.

If a fool persists in his folly he shall become wise.

I consider a new device or technology to have been culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder.

Things are not always what they seem.

Just remember, wherever you go, there you are.

"Necessity is the mother of invention" is a silly proverb. "Necessity is the mother of futile dodges" is much nearer the truth.

Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest amount of hot air.

Mum's the word.

Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy.

The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.

He knows not how to know who knows not also how to unknow.

Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?

Never promise more than you can perform.