The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped marker.

Three o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too late or a little too early for anything you want to do.

It seems to me that nearly every woman I know wants a man who knows how to love with authority. Women are simple souls who like simple things, and one of the simplest is one of the simplest to give. ... Our family airedale will come clear across t

God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through.

Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.

The only certainty is that nothing is certain.

Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously; and do not take what happens either to yourself or your work seriously.

It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.

There are many of us in this old world of ours who hold that things break about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get about the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summer and the poor get it in the winter.

If a man loses his reverence for any part of life, he will lose his reverence for all of life.

Princeton's taste is sweet like a strawberry tart. Harvard's is a subtle taste, like whiskey, coffee, or tobacco. It may even be a bad habit, for all I know.

Life is the childhood of our immortality.

The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly important thing to people.

If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.

He that bringeth a present, findeth the door open.

It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim of infanticide.

... a thing called Ethics, whose nature was confusing but if you had it you were a High-Class Realtor and if you hadn't you were a shyster, a piker and a fly-by-night. These virtues awakened Confidence and enabled you to handle Bigger Propositions.

A man who cannot seduce men cannot save them either.

I just got off the phone with Sonny Barger [President of the Hell's Angels]. He wants me to appear as a character witness for him at his murder trial and said he'd be glad to appear as a character witness on my behalf if I ever needed one. Needless

Coincidences are spiritual puns.

Nothing succeeds like success.

If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive!

The more the merrier.

I just asked myself... what would John DeLorean do?

[He] took me into his library and showed me his books, of which he had a complete set.

If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to get the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. See in college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving the natural method of teaching what each

The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire.

Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall.

Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.

Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you will pay only the station-to-station rate.

If any man wishes to be humbled and mortified, let him become president of Harvard.

Odets, where is thy sting?

We all live in a state of ambitious poverty.

Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money.

Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions.

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.

You get what you pay for.

Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very opposite applies with the judges.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

A prediction is worth twenty explanations.

In dwelling, be close to the land. In meditation, delve deep into the heart. In dealing with others, be gentle and kind. In speech, be true. In work, be competent. In action, be careful of your timing.

The possession of a book becomes a substitute for reading it.