There but for the grace of God, goes God.

Art is a jealous mistress.

Love the sea? I dote upon it

If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.

Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation. In an instant, armed troops surroun

Dustin Farnum: Why, yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats! Oliver Herford: Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of it!

If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied harder.

If you want divine justice, die.

If they were so inclined, they could impeach him because they don't like his necktie.

It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure.

At ebb tide I wrote a line upon the sand, and gave it all my heart and all my soul. At flood tide I returned to read what I had inscribed and found my ignorance upon the shore.

When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff.

The scum also rises.

"What's this? Trix? Aunt! Trix? You? You're after the prize! What is it?" He picked up the box and studied the back. "A glow-in-the-dark squid! Have you got it out of there yet?" He tilted the box, angling the little colored balls of cereal

Where do I find the time for not reading so many books?

If the ends don't justify the means, then what does?

Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped.

What excuses stand in your way? How can you eliminate them?

To restore a sense of reality, I think Walt Disney should have a Hardluckland.

Faith is under the left nipple.

People of privilege will always risk their complete destruction rather than surrender any material part of their advantage.

He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace.

Piece of cake!

If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.

An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest.

Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books.

Bingo, gas station, hamburger with a side order of airplane noise, and you'll be Gary, Indiana.

I try not to break the rules but merely to test their elasticity.

The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, "How's the President?"

You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company.

Nothing succeeds like excess.

To be or not to be.

Political history is far too criminal a subject to be a fit thing to teach children.

On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does.

Unprovided with original learning, unformed in the habits of thinking, unskilled in the arts of composition, I resolved to write a book.

Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life.

I consider a new device or technology to have been culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder.

Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of government, therefore,

In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty lashes with the cat or the dog,

And tomorrow will be like today, only more so.

The only excuse for God is that he doesn't exist.

After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations.

For myself, I can only say that I am astonished and somewhat terrified at the results of this evening's experiments. Astonished at the wonderful power you have developed, and terrified at the thought that so much hideous and bad music may be put on

The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes. Let the reader catch his own breath.