What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.

The ideal voice for radio may be defined as showing no substance, no sex, no owner, and a message of importance for every housewife.

It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim of infanticide.

Living in New York City gives people real incentives to want things that nobody else wants.

I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.

There is always one thing to remember: writers are always selling somebody out.

Crucifixes are sexy because there's a naked man on them.

My daddy's brains was so scrambled he thought he was Jesus. They put him in a nut house for 5 years and when he got out, he didn't think he was Jesus, he thought he was *God*! ... Which made me Jesus.

Flame on!

Chance is perhaps the work of God when He did not want to sign.

Television is now so desperately hungry for material that it is scraping the top of the barrel.

A man is known by the company he organizes.

If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.

"There is a God, but He drinks"

What good is an obscenity trial except to popularize literature?

A place for everything and everything in its place.

Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest r

Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.

I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men

Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York City. One is "Hey, taxi." Two is, "What train do I take to get to Bloomingdale's?" And three is, "Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound."

The old complaint that mass culture is designed for eleven-year-olds is of course a shameful canard. The key age has traditionally been more like fourteen.

If a fool persists in his folly he shall become wise.

If any man wishes to be humbled and mortified, let him become president of Harvard.

He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know.

All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard, ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas.

The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.

It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the r

Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they had towels from my house.

He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.

In every hierarchy the cream rises until it sours.

Never look a gift horse in the mouth.

You have to run as fast as you can just to stay where you are. If you want to get anywhere, you'll have to run much faster.

For courage mounteth with occasion.

When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life.

Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade themselves that they have a better idea.

Texas is Hell on woman and horses.

Grig (the navigator): ... so you see, it's just the two of us against the entire space armada. Alex (the gunner): What?!? Grig: I've always wanted to fight a desperate battle against overwhelming odds. Alex: It'll be a slaughter! Grig: That'

Indiana is a state dedicated to basketball. Basketball, soybeans, hogs and basketball. Berkeley, needless to say, is not nearly as athletic. Berkeley is dedicated to coffee, angst, potholes and coffee.

If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.

Once I belonged to a group that really had THE WORD. I fought like hell for them. But another group came along and exposed the word of my group as shallow and degenerate. They had a better word. So I quit the first group and lost all the friends

Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even worse.

Look before you leap.

Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives.