Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult.

My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed.

The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobb

In my experience, if you have to keep the lavatory door shut by extending your left leg, it's modern architecture.

The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt.

I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.

It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two years.

Gone With The Wind LITE(tm)

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

"My country, right or wrong" is a thing that no patriot would think of saying, except in a desperate case. It is like saying "My mother, drunk or sober."

There is no ox so dumb as the orthodox.

The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped marker.

If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to get the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. See in college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving the natural method of teaching what each

BS: You remind me of a man. B: What man? BS: The man with the power. B: What power? BS: The power of voodoo. B: Voodoo? BS: You do. B: Do what? BS: Remind me of a man. B: What man? BS: The man with the power...

Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait. [If youth but knew, if old age but could.]

I know not how I came into this, shall I call it a dying life or a living death?

Anything that is worth doing has been done frequently. Things hitherto undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

The 'A' is for content, the 'minus' is for not typing it. Don't ever do this to my eyes again.

What is good? Everything that heightens the feeling of power in man, the will to power, power itself. What is bad? Everything that is born of weakness. Not contentedness but more power; not peace but war; not virtue but fitness. The weak and the

The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his memos.

Rule the Empire through force.

I think... I think it's in my basement... Let me go upstairs and check.

I always wake up at the crack of ice.

A sinking ship gathers no moss.

The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth.

Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it.

Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort of like a shell leaving the nut behind.

The adjective is the banana peel of the parts of speech.

What's a cult? It just means not enough people to make a minority.

"Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends."

"What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?"

Aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star.