Small things make base men proud.

Life is a concentration camp. You're stuck here and there's no way out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors.

Catharsis is something I associate with pornography and crossword puzzles.

When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.

We know all about the habits of the ant, we know all about the habits of the bee, but we know nothing at all about the habits of the oyster. It seems almost certain that we have been choosing the wrong time for studying the oyster.

In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.

Tip O'Neill is just like Congress; old, fat and out of control.

What we do not understand we do not possess.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer.

If the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dream and never be our destiny.

Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill gives us modern art.

Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she lived with was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always getting pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to the farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd w

The worst is not so long as we can say "This is the worst."

I don't see what's wrong with giving Bobby a little experience before he starts to practice law.

Patience is a minor form of despair, disguised as virtue.

"Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception."

What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space-launch-style "hold" for two to three hours, durin

Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and everything else follows in the same way.

It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our offense consists in doubting it.

Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.

Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamp-post how it feels about dogs.

Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.

And they mainly want to teach them not to question, not to imagine, but to be obedient and behave well so that they can hold them forever as children to their bosom as the second millennium lurches toward its panicky close.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

My band career ended late in my senior year when John Cooper and I threw my amplifier out the dormitory window. We did not act in haste. First we checked to make sure the amplifier would fit through the frame, using the belt from my bathrobe to meas

The better part of valor is discretion.

Neckties strangle clear thinking.

Authors (and perhaps columnists) eventually rise to the top of whatever depths they were once able to plumb.

The sunlights differ, but there is only one darkness.

Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours.

Just because you like my stuff doesn't mean I owe you anything.

It's not easy, being green.

All men know the utility of useful things; but they do not know the utility of futility.