I have never understood this liking for war. It panders to instincts already catered for within the scope of any respectable domestic establishment.

Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight: always to try to be a little kinder than is necessary?

Why, when no honest man will deny in private that every ultimate problem is wrapped in the profoundest mystery, do honest men proclaim in pulpits that unhesitating certainty is the duty of the most foolish and ignorant? Is it not a spectacle to make

If a shameless woman expects to be defiled and then dies of her fierce love because you do not consent, will chastity also be homicide?

I have just enough white in me to make my honesty questionable.

We have nowhere else to go... this is all we have.

Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money.

The bay-trees in our country are all wither'd And meteors fright the fixed stars of heaven; The pale-faced moon looks bloody on the earth And lean-look'd prophets whisper fearful change. These signs forerun the death or fall of kings.

Hark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender. You stand convicted of sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want.

The two party system ... is a triumph of the dialectic. It showed that two could be one and one could be two and had probably been fabricated by Hegel for the American market on a subcontract from General Dynamics.

I think... I think it's in my basement... Let me go upstairs and check.

Too clever is dumb.

If God wanted us to have a President, He would have sent us a candidate.

Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground

Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all.

Let the people think they govern and they will be governed.

To stay young requires unceasing cultivation of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods.

A dead man cannot bite.

If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to get the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. See in college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving the natural method of teaching what each

Too much of everything is just enough.

If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life.

Life would be tolerable but for its amusements.

But you shall not escape my iambics.

The only certainty is that nothing is certain.

The only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane.

You'd better smile when they watch you, smile like you're in control.

My method is to take the utmost trouble to find the right thing to say. And then say it with the utmost levity.

Practice yourself what you preach.

"If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination."

The time spent on any item of the agenda [of a finance committee] will be in inverse proportion to the sum involved.

As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport.

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

We're only in it for the volume.