Have you ever stopped to think what it would be like to have a woman President? "I can't deal with the Russians today. Not now. I've got my period."

Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.

It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our offense consists in doubting it.

It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the r

The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly important thing to people.

I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men

Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and resisting the current what each had

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied harder.

Mundus vult decipi decipiatur ergo.

Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?

Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you awfully comfortable while you're being miserable.

In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!"

The only thing that experience teaches us is that experience teaches us nothing.

The trouble with opportunity is that it always comes disguised as hard work.

Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in.

... but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women were convicted of witch

No excellent soul is exempt from a mixture of madness.

That's no moon...

Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend.

Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with a valentine.

We all live in a state of ambitious poverty.

There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish.

If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, it might well prolong his life.

Wait for that wisest of all counselors, Time.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., motion that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate amendment making changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. The Senate amendment was an amendment to the

There's no such thing as an original sin.

If I had any humility I would be perfect.

All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies.

Where do I find the time for not reading so many books?

God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through.

A full belly makes a dull brain.