I always wake up at the crack of ice.

We were so poor we couldn't afford a watchdog. If we heard a noise at night, we'd bark ourselves.

Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves.

The eye is a menace to clear sight, the ear is a menace to subtle hearing, the mind is a menace to wisdom, every organ of the senses is a menace to its own capacity. ... Fuss, the god of the Southern Ocean, and Fret, the god of the Northern Ocean, h

The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobb

TV is chewing gum for the eyes.

"The jig's up, Elman." "Which jig?"

A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation. It takes an abundance of imagination, to be sure.

We're only in it for the volume.

Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for even the greatest fool may ask more the the wisest man can answer.

There are no answers, only cross-references.

When the sun shineth, make hay.

An office party is not, as is sometimes supposed the Managing Director's chance to kiss the tea-girl. It is the tea-girl's chance to kiss the Managing Director (however bizarre an ambition this may seem to anyone who has seen the Managing Director f

Optimism is the content of small men in high places.

The college graduate is presented with a sheepskin to cover his intellectual nakedness.

A little bit of rape is good for a man's soul.

Just remember, wherever you go, there you are.

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back the when it begins to rain.

The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions.

A man is known by the company he organizes.

Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know.

A prediction is worth twenty explanations.

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.

A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies, scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom.

It is ridiculous to call this an industry. This is not. This is rat eat rat, dog eat dog. I'll kill 'em, and I'm going to kill 'em before they kill me. You're talking about the American way of survival of the fittest.

Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it.

No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the Continent, a part of the maine; if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea, Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne we

Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.

All the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow.

The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine we own.

Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at reasonable prices? Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's build a home center. And before long ho