The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine we own.

Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life.

My tears stuck in their little ducts, refusing to be jerked.

The road to Hades is easy to travel.

It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do.

"You would do well not to imagine profundity," he said. "Anything that seems of momentous occasion should be dwelt upon as though it were of slight note. Conversely, trivialities must be attended to with the greatest of care. Because death is moment

She was good at playing abstract confusion in the same way a midget is good at being short.

Fourteen years in the professor dodge has taught me that one can argue ingeniously on behalf of any theory, applied to any piece of literature. This is rarely harmful, because normally no-one reads such essays.

Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas" until you are told that those rooms are "punched out." Once punched out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such.

Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they had towels from my house.

"MOKE DAT YIGARETTE"

Art is a lie which makes us realize the truth.

I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike.

God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.

Kindness is the beginning of cruelty.

Luck can't last a lifetime, unless you die young.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem.

Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know.

Forgive and forget.

Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods.

Perhaps the remembrance of these things will prove a source of future pleasure.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.

If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief.

I hate quotations.

The farther you go, the less you know.

"Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him."

Dignity is like a flag. It flaps in a storm.

If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell.

You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements.

Art is either plagiarism or revolution.

Love the sea? I dote upon it

"Spare no expense to save money on this one."

I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.

The universe is made of stories, not of atoms.

"Hey, Sam, how about a loan?" "Whattaya need?" "Oh, about $500." "Whattaya got for collateral?" "Whattaya need?" "How about an eye?"

We Americans, we're a simple people... but piss us off, and we'll bomb your cities.

Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you will pay only the station-to-station rate.

If there is no wind, row.

Rembrandt is not to be compared in the painting of character with our extraordinarily gifted English artist, Mr. Rippingille.

... but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women were convicted of witch

One good turn deserves another.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Do not use that foreign word "ideals". We have that excellent native word "lies".

If you are shooting under 80 you are neglecting your business; over 80 you are neglecting your golf.

It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our offense consists in doubting it.

The coast was clear.

I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education.

"You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks."

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.