I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive it. If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps.

Ninety percent of everything is crap.

The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt.

Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade themselves that they have a better idea.

In breeding cattle you need one bull for every twenty-five cows, unless the cows are known sluts.

"You little (such a one who, while wearing a copper nose ring, stands in a footbath atop Mount Raruaruaha during a heavy thunderstorm and shouts that Alohura, Goddess of Lightning, has the facial features of a diseased uloruaha root)!"

Lay on, MacDuff, and curs'd be him who first cries, "Hold, enough!".

My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.

All men know the utility of useful things; but they do not know the utility of futility.

Events are not affected, they develop.

I'd be a poorer man if I'd never seen an eagle fly.

The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money completely surrounded by people who want some.

A dream will always triumph over reality, once it is given the chance.

A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.

The only alliance I would make with the Women's Liberation Movement is in bed.

Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled.

I never cheated an honest man, only rascals. They wanted something for nothing. I gave them nothing for something.

Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all.

God instructs the heart, not by ideas, but by pains and contradictions.

Turn the other cheek.

The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.

Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.

"There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him during the trial."

Lookie, lookie, here comes cookie...

The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth.

The possession of a book becomes a substitute for reading it.

The only certainty is that nothing is certain.

There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself.

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.

Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.

A beginning is the time for taking the most delicate care that balances are correct.

A full belly makes a dull brain.

"Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *___can* you believe?!"

The Least Successful Equal Pay Advertisement In 1976 the European Economic Community pointed out to the Irish Government that it had not yet implemented the agreed sex equality legislation. The Dublin Government immediately advertised for an equal

If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, it might well prolong his life.

"Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him."

Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they would. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect that much.

Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.

What kind of sordid business are you on now? I mean, man, whither goest thou? Whither goest thou, America, in thy shiny car in the night?

In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy.

The trouble with opportunity is that it always comes disguised as hard work.

Praise the sea; on shore remain.

Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more spectacular adventure starring... Tippy, the Wonder Dog!

To accuse others for one's own misfortunes is a sign of want of education. To accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun. To accuse neither oneself nor others shows that one's education is complete.

I think we're in trouble.

I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness; And from that full meridian of my glory I haste now to my setting. I shall fall, Like a bright exhalation in the evening And no man see me more.

A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!

Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically but oblivious to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank, and due to an overdose of flouride as a child

America, I'm putting my queer shoulder to the wheel.

There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need the money; the second that you have something to say that you think the world should know; the third is that you can't think what to do with the long winter evenings.

Very few people do anything creative after the age of thirty-five. The reason is that very few people do anything creative before the age of thirty-five.