Live fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway!

My daddy's brains was so scrambled he thought he was Jesus. They put him in a nut house for 5 years and when he got out, he didn't think he was Jesus, he thought he was *God*! ... Which made me Jesus.

The ripest fruit falls first.

The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late and owns the worm farm.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas" until you are told that those rooms are "punched out." Once punched out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such.

She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.

Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a surprising amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one hand considered the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other hand were unwilling to risk offending God's g

I am just a nice, clean-cut Mongolian boy.

A racially integrated community is a chronological term timed from the entrance of the first black family to the exit of the last white family.

So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie; and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very imprudently married the barber; and there were

I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out the lessons that they teach. Oh, tell me that I may s

Wagner's music is better than it sounds.

Better late than never.

I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men

As well look for a needle in a bottle of hay.

Mandrell: "You know what I think?" Doctor: "Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you don't think, right?"

As to the Adjective: when in doubt, strike it out.

When you say that you agree to a thing in principle, you mean that you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice.

It seems to me that nearly every woman I know wants a man who knows how to love with authority. Women are simple souls who like simple things, and one of the simplest is one of the simplest to give. ... Our family airedale will come clear across t

Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental Anguish. You would sue: * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions

"All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands."

Believe everything you hear about the world; nothing is too impossibly bad.

Nice guys finish last.

We have art that we do not die of the truth.

Awash with unfocused desire, Everett twisted the lobe of his one remaining ear and felt the presence of somebody else behind him, which caused terror to push through his nervous system like a flash flood roaring down the mid-fork of the Feather River

When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the thing," it's the money.

Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.

Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations Sign on a cabin door of a Soviet Black Sea cruise liner: Helpsavering apparata in emergings behold many whistles! Associate the stringing apparata about the bosums and meet behind, flee then t

Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.

The Public is merely a multiplied "me."

There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.

When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.

If I love you, what business is it of yours?

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.

Dear Ann Landers: My husband watches the TV preachers every Sunday. He claims one minister said there are 350 different sins. My husband wants to know if you can get the list. He thinks he is missing something.

There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.

"Is it just me, or does anyone else read `bible humpers' every time someone writes `bible thumpers?'

I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of the sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for you are loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway.

Eighteen goddess-like daughters are not equal to one son with a hump.

Nothing succeeds like success.

Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade, since it consists principally of dealings with men.

Never have so many understood so little about so much.

Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher. The butcher is weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and weeks. He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists, but he sings about his gin

Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away?

In charity there is no excess.

You have all the characteristics of a popular politician: a horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner.

The life which is unexamined is not worth living.

Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.

It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.

Whenever anyone says, "theoretically," they really mean, "not really."