I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.

The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.

There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.

This night methinks is but the daylight sick.

"Hey, Sam, how about a loan?" "Whattaya need?" "Oh, about $500." "Whattaya got for collateral?" "Whattaya need?" "How about an eye?"

Isn't it nice that people who prefer Los Angeles to San Francisco live there?

I am a deeply superficial person.

It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something.

"I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed. Oh, I know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people I don't know yet

However, on religious issues there can be little or no compromise. There is no position on which people are so immovable as their religious beliefs. There is no more powerful ally one can claim in a debate than Jesus Christ, or God, or Allah, or wha

I understand why you're confused. You're thinking too much.

The first sign of corruption in a society that is still alive is that the end justifies the means.

If little else, the brain is an educational toy.

My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my family, it seems, begins where yours left off.

A woman who is guided by the head and not by the heart is a social pestilence: she has all the defects of the passionate and affectionate woman, with none of her compensations; she is without pity, without love, without virtue, without sex.

I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.

The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish to be addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified. But it is equally important to accept and tolerate different standards of courtesy, not expecting everyone else to ad

If it doesn't smell yet, it's pretty fresh.

You can fool all the people all of the time if the advertising is right and the budget is big enough.

Ever get the feeling that the world's on tape and one of the reels is missing?

Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with a valentine.

A place for everything and everything in its place.

Why attack God? He may be as miserable as we are.

There is no cure for birth and death other than to enjoy the interval.

The future not being born, my friend, we will abstain from baptizing it.

My daddy's brains was so scrambled he thought he was Jesus. They put him in a nut house for 5 years and when he got out, he didn't think he was Jesus, he thought he was *God*! ... Which made me Jesus.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. By Order of the Author

What fools these mortals be.

Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night.

Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief.

Our business in life is not to succeed but to continue to fail in high spirits.

In regards to Oral Roberts' claim that God told him that he would die unless he received $20 million by March, God's lawyers have stated that their client has not spoken with Roberts for several years. Off the record, God has stated that "If I had w

The Worst Jury A murder trial at Manitoba in February 1978 was well advanced, when one juror revealed that he was completely deaf and did not have the remotest clue what was happening. The judge, Mr. Justice Solomon, asked him if he had heard any

It's easier to take it apart than to put it back together.

Show business is just like high school, except you get paid.

One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to represent a creative meeting, and the ratio c

Swerve me? The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails, whereon my soul is grooved to run. Over unsounded gorges, through the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly I rush!

Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it's out of date.)

Scrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the Presidency.

The Poems, all three hundred of them, may be summed up in one of their phrases: "Let our thoughts be correct".

The best case: Get salary from America, build a house in England, live with a Japanese wife, and eat Chinese food. Pretty good case: Get salary from England, build a house in America, live with a Chinese wife, and eat Japanese food. The wo

The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.

With all the talent around, it's sort of amazing that a woman could be up here with us.

If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish.

"I understand this is your first dead client," Sabian was saying. The absurdity of the statement made me want to laugh but they don't call me Deadpan Allie and lie.

The philosopher's treatment of a question is like the treatment of an illness.

The pollution's at that awkward stage. Too thick to navigate and too thin to cultivate.

The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey.

I just asked myself... what would John DeLorean do?

Beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that the mathematicians have made covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and to confine man in the bonds of hell.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.