This sad little lizard told me that he was a brontosaurus on his mother's side. I did not laugh; people who boast of ancestry often have little else to sustain them. Humoring them costs nothing and adds happiness in a world in which happiness is al

Come home America.

America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room. Every time it wags its tail, it knocks over a chair.

The degree of civilization in a society can be judged by entering its prisons.

If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The "professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on t

If any man wishes to be humbled and mortified, let him become president of Harvard.

If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is doing the thinking.

Well, the handwriting is on the floor.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

Like, if I'm not for me, then fer shure, like who will be? And if, y'know, if I'm not like fer anyone else, then hey, I mean, what am I? And if not now, like I dunno, maybe like when? And if not Who, then I dunno, maybe like the Rolling Stones?

When, in 1964, New Hampshire Republican Senator Norris Cotton announced his support of Bary Goldwater in his state's primary election, he was questioned as to whether this indicated a change of his hitherto "liberal" political views. "Well," expla

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of statistics. These are raised to the nth degree, the cube roots are extracted, and the results are arranged into elaborate and impressive displays. What must be kept ever in mind, how

A is for Apple.

"A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a good many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious scruples and the police."

Learning without thought is labor lost; thought without learning is perilous.

Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.

Confucius say too much.

We're only in it for the volume.

Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind the railroad yards."

A rich man told me recently that a liberal is a man who tells other people what to do with their money.

XI: If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would get twice as much done. If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty times as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all the managers would fly off. XII: I

A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.

We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves.

The Soviet Union, which has complained recently about alleged anti-Soviet themes in American advertising, lodged an official protest this week against the Ford Motor Company's new campaign: "Hey you stinking, fat Russian, get off my Ford Escort."

The public is an old woman. Let her maunder and mumble.

The distinction between Freedom and Liberty is not accurately known; naturalists have been unable to find a living specimen of either.

What I tell you three times is true.