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When I first arrived in this country I had only fifteen cents in my pocket and a willingness to compromise.

Shakespeare


Long ago I proposed that unsuccessful candidates for the Presidency be quietly hanged, as a matter of public sanitation and decorum. The sight of their grief must have a very evil effect upon the young.

Shakespeare


Life is the living you do, Death is the living you don't do.

Shakespeare


There's nothing worse for your business than extra Santa Clauses smoking in the men's room.

Shakespeare


If Jesus Christ came to this town, people would say, great guy; terrible carpenter.

Shakespeare


If a man slept by day, he had little time to work. That was a satisfying notion to Escargot.

Shakespeare


The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and pleasant, the second half still balmy and quite pleasant for those who hadn't heard the scream at all, but not c

Shakespeare William


The human race never solves any of its problems. It merely outlives them.

Shakespeare Wm.


Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

Shakespeare Wm.


Don't everyone thank me at once!

Shakespeare


Let's do it.

Shakespeare


As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular.

Shakespeare


My daddy's brains was so scrambled he thought he was Jesus. They put him in a nut house for 5 years and when he got out, he didn't think he was Jesus, he thought he was *God*! ... Which made me Jesus.

Shakespeare


The better part of valor is discretion.

Shakespeare


If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

Shakespeare


When the speaker and he to whom he is speaks do not understand, that is metaphysics.

Shakespeare


After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon to be created." "This is true," He replied.

Shakespeare


Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort of like a shell leaving the nut behind.

Shakespeare


Many a man that can't direct you to a corner drugstore will get a respectful hearing when age has further impaired his mind.

Shakespeare


A woman's a woman until the day she dies, but a man's only a man as long as he can.

Shakespeare


Youth is a disease from which we all recover.

Shakespeare


Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason.

Shakespeare


Never laugh at live dragons.

Shakespeare


America, how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood?

Shakespeare William


One thing I have no worry about is whether God exists. But it has occurred to me that God has Alzheimer's and has forgotten we exist.

Shakespeare William


Immature artists imitate, mature artists steal.

Shakespeare William


Facts, apart from their relationships, are like labels on empty bottles.

Shakespeare William


Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.

Shakespeare William


Divorce is a game played by lawyers.

Shakespeare William


Let me take you a button-hole lower.

Shakespeare William


No two persons ever read the same book.

Shakespeare William


He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news.

Shakespeare William


Dianetics is a milestone for man comparable to his discovery of fire and superior to his invention of the wheel and the arch.

Shakespeare William


The two party system ... is a triumph of the dialectic. It showed that two could be one and one could be two and had probably been fabricated by Hegel for the American market on a subcontract from General Dynamics.

Shakespeare William


The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity that would be clearly understood.

Shakespeare William


Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.

Shakespeare William


You're never too old to become younger.

Shakespeare William


Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic table.

Shakespeare William


Why was I born with such contemporaries?

Shakespeare William


Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know.

Shakespeare William


The universe is made of stories, not of atoms.

Shakespeare Wm.


A diplomat's life consists of three things: protocol, Geritol, and alcohol.

William Shakespeare


I'm not the person your mother warned you about... her imagination isn't that good.

William Shakespeare


If they were so inclined, they could impeach him because they don't like his necktie.

William Shakespeare


If you know the answer to a question, don't ask.

William Shakespeare


The great secret in life ... [is] not to open your letters for a fortnight. At the expiration of that period you will find that nearly all of them have answered themselves.

William Shakespeare





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"... I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that was supposed to make me look like the dashing, romantic Zorro but which actually made me look like a gigantic bat wearing glasses ..."
Dave Barry

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Shakespeare
 
 
 
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