The world has many unintentionally cruel mechanisms that are not designed for people who walk on their hands.

The infliction of cruelty with a good conscience is a delight to moralists. That is why they invented hell.

It's from Casablanca. I've been waiting all my life to use that line.

I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours. Great song.

Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you awfully comfortable while you're being miserable.

Writing is turning one's worst moments into money.

One big pile is better than two little piles.

Honesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty.

United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the Christmas season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of all the military forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of all the patriots of every persuasion. Meanwhil

The white race is the cancer of history.

If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to get the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. See in college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving the natural method of teaching what each

We have nowhere else to go... this is all we have.

He knows not how to know who knows not also how to unknow.

No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings.

The only way I can lose this election is if I'm caught in bed with a dead girl or a live boy.

He that bringeth a present, findeth the door open.

"Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it's just the opposite."

A myth is a religion in which no-one any longer believes.

Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original and the part that is original is not good.

We Americans, we're a simple people... but piss us off, and we'll bomb your cities.

It is up to us to produce better-quality movies.

Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women it is merely a good excuse not to play football.

What I tell you three times is true.

He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue.

The error of youth is to believe that intelligence is a substitute for experience, while the error of age is to believe experience is a substitute for intelligence.

Those who are mentally and emotionally healthy are those who have learned when to say yes, when to say no and when to say whoopee.

If you don't strike oil in twenty minutes, stop boring.

When, in 1964, New Hampshire Republican Senator Norris Cotton announced his support of Bary Goldwater in his state's primary election, he was questioned as to whether this indicated a change of his hitherto "liberal" political views. "Well," expla

A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.

"The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain."

"I have just read your lousy review buried in the back pages. You sound like a frustrated old man who never made a success, an eight-ulcer man on a four-ulcer job, and all four ulcers working. I have never met you, but if I do you'll need a new nos

"... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often picturesque liar."

Better late than never.

The fact that Hitler was a political genius unmasks the nature of politics in general as no other can.

Like ya know? Rock 'N Roll is an esoteric language that unlocks the creativity chambers in people's brains, and like totally activates their essential hipness, which of course is like totally necessary for saving the earth, like because the first th

Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to exactly the point of most pressure.

Young men are fitter to invent than to judge; fitter for execution than for counsel; and fitter for new projects than for settled business. For the experience of age, in things that fall within the compass of it, directeth them; but in new things, a

With her body, woman is more sincere than man; but with her mind she lies. And when she lies, she does not believe herself.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should therefore be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated. If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to declare war and they are screened at onc

One of your most ancient writers, a historian named Herodotus, tells of a thief who was to be executed. As he was taken away he made a bargain with the king: in one year he would teach the king's favorite horse to sing hymns. The other prisoners wa

Anyone who knows history, particularly the history of Europe, will, I think, recognize that the domination of education or of government by any one particular religious faith is never a happy arrangement for the people.

It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either.

So many men, so many opinions; every one his own way.

A game can by God repent or we'll punish it. That's how they did it in Salem in the seventeenth century, and that's how we'll do it now.

There seems no plan because it is all plan.

All religions issue Bibles against Satan, and say the most injurious things against him, but we never hear his side.

It is not the critic who counts, or how the strong man stumbled, or whether the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives vali

Suffering alone exists, none who suffer; The deed there is, but no doer thereof; Nirvana is, but no one is seeking it; The Path there is, but none who travel it.

Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again.

Dianetics is a milestone for man comparable to his discovery of fire and superior to his invention of the wheel and the arch.

Why, when no honest man will deny in private that every ultimate problem is wrapped in the profoundest mystery, do honest men proclaim in pulpits that unhesitating certainty is the duty of the most foolish and ignorant? Is it not a spectacle to make

Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you will pay only the station-to-station rate.

She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.

If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry.

We are not loved by our friends for what we are; rather, we are loved in spite of what we are.

Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder aloud what the country could do under first-class management.

All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for fun. Money's just the way we keep score.

Education and religion are two things not regulated by supply and demand. The less of either the people have, the less they want.

Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both yes and no.

Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods.

Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.

For years a secret shame destroyed my peace

As to the Adjective: when in doubt, strike it out.

France is a country where the money falls apart and you can't tear the toilet paper.

[Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable.

If a fool persists in his folly he shall become wise.

And tomorrow will be like today, only more so.

And they mainly want to teach them not to question, not to imagine, but to be obedient and behave well so that they can hold them forever as children to their bosom as the second millennium lurches toward its panicky close.

"Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war."

The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better people, and don't come in clearly enough.

The Almighty in His infinite wisdom did not see fit to create Frenchmen in the image of Englishmen.

Prisons are built with stones of Law, brothels with bricks of Religion.

If we can ever make red tape nutritional, we can feed the world.

In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!"

It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which raises the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody not to.

Whom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

The problem with me is that I am fifty or one hundred years ahead of my time. My speed is very fast. Some ministers have had to drop out of my government because they could not keep up.

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.

While we are sleeping, two-thirds of the world is plotting to do us in.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion. Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed and color, but also on ability.

As long as there are entrenched social and political distinctions between sexes, races or classes, there will be forms of science whose main function is to rationalize and legitimize these distinctions.

You can't hold a man down without staying down with him.

Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy.

The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to do what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with them while they do it.

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. But there was also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song at a French restaurant. [...] I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of her milk w

You cannot see the wood for the trees.

With women, I've got a long bamboo pole with a leather loop on the end of it. I slip the loop around their necks so they can't get away or come too close. Like catching snakes.

A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.

When you jump for joy, beware that no-one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it's just the opposite.