Monterey... is decidedly the pleasantest and most civilized-looking place in California ... [it] is also a great place for cock-fighting, gambling of all sorts, fandangos, and various kinds of amusements and knavery.

They use different words for things in America. For instance they say elevator and we say lift. They say drapes and we say curtains. They say president and we say brain damaged git.

The Least Successful Executions History has furnished us with two executioners worthy of attention. The first performed in Sydney in Australia. In 1803 three attempts were made to hang a Mr. Joseph Samuels. On the first two of these the rope snap

"All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands."

I think the world is run by C students.

If you are shooting under 80 you are neglecting your business; over 80 you are neglecting your golf.

"Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence"

We may not be able to persuade Hindus that Jesus and not Vishnu should govern their spiritual horizon, nor Moslems that Lord Buddha is at the center of their spiritual universe, nor Hebrews that Mohammed is a major prohpet, nor Christians that Shinto

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey.

It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely the most important.

A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a "Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.

Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like.

War is delightful to those who have had no experience of it.

What I tell you three times is true.

Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than we deserve.

A good name lost is seldom regained. When character is gone, all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever.

Facts are the enemy of truth.

I believe that the moment is near when by a procedure of active paranoiac thought, it will be possible to systematize confusion and contribute to the total discrediting of the world of reality.

If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

What makes you think graduate school is supposed to be satisfying?

I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some kind of loophole.

Some people say a front-engine car handles best. Some people say a rear-engine car handles best. I say a rented car handles best.

Don't get mad, get even.

America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization.

Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.

The first sign of corruption in a society that is still alive is that the end justifies the means.

What you don't know won't help you much either.

The man-hating woman, like the cold woman, is largely imaginary. She is simply a woman who has done her best to snare a man and has failed.

There can be no daily democracy without daily citizenship.

With reasonable men I will reason; with humane men I will plead; but to tyrants I will give no quarter.

Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed down-stairs a step at a time.

The coast was clear.

"I'd like to start a new religion. One that doesn't use a dead young man as its logo."

I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said, "What'll you have, Bud"? I said," I don't know, surprise me". So he showed me a nude picture of my wife.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

Swerve me? The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails, whereon my soul is grooved to run. Over unsounded gorges, through the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly I rush!

It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire.

The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of management is that success equals skill.

We were so poor we couldn't afford a watchdog. If we heard a noise at night, we'd bark ourselves.

You guys have been practicing discrimination for years. Now it's our turn.

If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could work for with a great deal of enjoyment.

It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be privileged to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to corrupt the youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles.

I didn't do it! Nobody saw me do it! Can't prove anything!

What is good? Everything that heightens the feeling of power in man, the will to power, power itself. What is bad? Everything that is born of weakness. Not contentedness but more power; not peace but war; not virtue but fitness. The weak and the

The road to ruin is always in good repair, and the travellers pay the expense of it.

With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time they make a law it's a joke.

I would like the government to do all it can to mitigate, then, in understanding, in mutuality of interest, in concern for the common good, our tasks will be solved.

It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back.

Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and not tried.

It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the r

We Americans, we're a simple people... but piss us off, and we'll bomb your cities.

Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you awfully comfortable while you're being miserable.

Has the great art and mystery of politics no apparent utility? Does it appear to be unqualifiedly ratty, raffish, sordid, obscene and low down, and its salient virtuosi a gang of umitigated scoundrels? Then let us not forget its high capacity to soo

There is no act of treachery or mean-ness of which a political party is not capable; for in politics there is no honour.

Suffering alone exists, none who suffer; The deed there is, but no doer thereof; Nirvana is, but no one is seeking it; The Path there is, but none who travel it.

Well, you know, no matter where you go, there you are.

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.

Objectivity is to a newspaper what virtue is to a woman.

It is convenient that there be gods, and, as it is convenient, let us believe there are.

Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically but oblivious to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank, and due to an overdose of flouride as a child

The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever been.

A violent man will die a violent death.

April 1 This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.

... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat. It is not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery.

Go to the Scriptures... the joyful promises it contains will be a balsam to all your troubles.

Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry.

To add insult to injury.

Use an accordion. Go to jail.

In Hollywood, all marriages are happy. It's trying to live together afterwards that causes the problems.

In charity there is no excess.

It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two years.

If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

A full belly makes a dull brain.

Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.

I'm glad I was not born before tea.

Mr. Salter's side of the conversation was limited to expressions of assent. When Lord Copper was right he said "Definitely, Lord Copper"; when he was wrong, "Up to a point." "Let me see, what's the name of the place I mean? Capital of Japan? Yokoh

There are no accidents whatsoever in the universe.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

The big cities of America are becoming Third World countries.

You can't expect a boy to be vicious till he's been to a good school.

Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to?

He draweth out the thread of his verbosity finer than the staple of his argument.

Politics makes strange bedfellows, and journalism makes strange politics.

There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Pope.

It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.

The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.

Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.

A place for everything and everything in its place.

One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say.

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.

I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.

A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough to take it all away.

All diplomacy is a continuation of war by other means.