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If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.
 Englan Mark Twain on New
We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm.
 Li Mark Twain
Anyone who has had a bull by the tail knows five or six more things
than someone who hasn't.
 Mark Twain
People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven't
what they want that they don't want it.
 Mark Twain
If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all.
 Mark Twain
The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the
difference between lightning and the lightning bug.
 Mark Twain
A light wife doth make a heavy husband.
 Mark Twain
Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them
seemed to come from Texas.
 Mark Twain
Under every stone lurks a politician.
 Mark Twain
The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being but to remind him that
he is already degraded.
 Mark Twain
We are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one.
 Mark Twain
You k'n hide de fier, but w'at you gwine do wid de smoke?
 Mark Twain
This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly, because
the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under which it
recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has "deregulated"
the airline industry. What t Twain
Mark
You never have to change anything you got up in the middle of the night
to write.
 Twain
Mark
Tart words make no friends; a spoonful of honey will catch more flies than
a gallon of vinegar.
 Twain
Mark
"Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. As you
can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of equal height
on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. Do you have a car
or a job? Do you ever Twain
Mark
What you want, what you're hanging around in the world waiting for, is for
something to occur to you.
 Twain
Mark
Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
 Twain
Mark
We are what we pretend to be.
 Twain
Mark
The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average
Russian's readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement
of some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet
reflection followed by sudden preventi Twain
Mark
Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall on
our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!!
 Twain
Mark
It is better to have loved and lost  Twain
Mark
None love the bearer of bad news.
 Twain
Mark
What does it take for Americans to do great things; to go to the moon, to
win wars, to dig canals linking oceans, to build railroads across a continent?
In independent thought about this question, Neil Armstrong and I concluded
that it takes a coinci Twain
Mark
Law enforcement officers should use only the minimum force necessary in
dealing with disorders when they arise.
 Twain
Mark
The brotherhood of man is not a mere poet's dream; it is a most depressing
and humiliating reality.
 Twain
Mark
It is bad luck to be superstitious.
 Twain
Mark
The Russians have put a small ball up in the air. That does not raise my
apprehensions one iota.
 Twain
Mark
The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
 Twain
Mark
Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a pagan,
and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city until about
his 35th year, when he became a Christian. [...] To him is ascribed the
sublime confession: Credo quia  Twain
Mark
The only thing that stops God from sending a second Flood is that
the first one was useless.
 Twain
Mark
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining
and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
 Twain
Mark
Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch"
may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine
species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used whe Twain
Mark
"Go on, girl! You'll never get a better chance to buy Jif at this
price. *Carpe diem*, babe!"
 Twain
Mark
It is ridiculous to call this an industry. This is not. This is rat eat
rat, dog eat dog. I'll kill 'em, and I'm going to kill 'em before they
kill me. You're talking about the American way of survival of the fittest.
 Twain
Mark
of our air pollution stems from hydrocarbons released by
vegetation, so let's not go overboard in setting and enforcing tough emissions
standards from man-made sources."
 Twain
Mark
Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long.
 Twain
Mark
You climb to reach the summit, but once there, discover that all roads
lead down.
 Twain
Mark
A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!
 Twain
Mark
All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies.
 Twain
Mark
Such evil deeds could religion prompt.
 Twain
Mark
A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove
anything.
 Twain
Mark
For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels,
each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall
was a gate.
 Twain
Mark
Bullwinkle: You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the outfit.
General: What does that make YOU?
Bullwinkle: What else? An executive.
 Twain
Mark
The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.
 Twain
Mark
The worst part of having success is trying to find someone who is happy for you.
 Twain
Mark
He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry
attacks democracy itself.
 Twain
Mark
Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.
 Twain
Mark
Everlasting peace will come to the world when the last man has slain
the last but one.
 Twain
Mark
Our parents were of Midwestern stock and very strict. They didn't want us
to grow up to be spoiled and rich. If we left our tennis racquets in the
rain, we were punished.
 Twain
Mark
Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that politics is
almost always the choice of the lesser evil. "Tweedledum and Tweedledee,"
they say. "I will not vote." Having abstained, they are presented with a
President who appoints t Twain
Mark
Human resources are human first, and resources second.
 Twain
Mark
The real purpose of books is to trap the mind into doing its own thinking.
 Twain
Mark
In any country there must be people who have to die. They are the
sacrifices any nation has to make to achieve law and order.
 Twain
Mark
If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know.
 Twain
Mark
If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the
Constitution. It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's
statecraft. Instead, read selected portions of the Washington telephone
directory containing listings for all th Twain
Mark
Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man.
 Twain
Mark
TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
 Twain
Mark
The road to Hades is easy to travel.
 Twain
Mark
Porsche: there simply is no substitute.
 Twain
Mark
The trouble with opportunity is that it always comes disguised as hard work.
 Twain
Mark
Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.
 Twain
Mark
Look ere ye leap.
 Twain
Mark
I never made a mistake in my life. I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
 Twain
Mark
The infliction of cruelty with a good conscience is a delight to moralists.
That is why they invented hell.
 Twain
Mark
Three o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too late or a little
too early for anything you want to do.
 Twain
Mark
The reasons that each of these countries has had to renege on its
financial committments were all somewhat different: Argentina because of
a war, Poland because of its vast misguided overinvestment in heavy
industry, Honduras because the coffee price Twain
Mark
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
 Twain
Mark
They sentenced me to twenty years of boredom for trying to change the
system from within. I'm coming now I'm coming to reward them. First
we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin.
I'm guided by a signal in the heavens. I'm guided by this birthmark Twain
Mark
Politics and the fate of mankind are formed by men without ideals and without
greatness. Those who have greatness within them do not go in for politics.
 Twain
Mark
The whole religious complexion of the modern world is due to the absence
from Jerusalem of a lunatic asylum.
 Twain
Mark
The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover's Lane holding his own hand.
 Twain
Mark
It's our fault. We should have given him better parts.
 Twain
Mark
Tallulah Bankhead barged down the Nile last night as Cleopatra and sank.
 Twain
Mark
Or you or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you.
I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but
we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company.
 Twain Mark
Talkers are no good doers.
 Twain Mark
The surest protection against temptation is cowardice.
 Twain Mark
"MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into
the smallest amount of thoughts."
 Twain Mark
Neckties strangle clear thinking.
 Twain Mark
We must remember that in time of war what is said on the enemy's side of
the front is always propaganda and what is said on our side of the front
is truth and righteousness, the cause of humanity and a crusade for peace.
 Twain Mark
XXVI:
If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed on each
other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to chance.
XXVII:
Rank does not intimidate hardware. Neither does the lack of rank.
XXVIII:
It is better to be the r Twain Mark
A violent man will die a violent death.
 Twain Mark
My daddy's brains was so scrambled he thought he was Jesus. They put him
in a nut house for 5 years and when he got out, he didn't think he was
Jesus, he thought he was *God*! ... Which made me Jesus.
 Twain Mark
All religions issue Bibles against Satan, and say the most injurious things
against him, but we never hear his side.
 Twain Mark
A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper.
 Twain Mark
Tip O'Neill is just like Congress; old, fat and out of control.
 Twain Mark
Look before you leap.
 Twain Mark
He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue.
 Twain Mark
The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor,
to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.
 Twain Mark
For years a secret shame destroyed my peace Twain Mark
"Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it."
 Twain Mark
No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings.
 Twain Mark
"And Bezel saideth unto Sham: `Sham,' he saideth, `Thou shalt goest
unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine
bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits,
provideth that they are nice and fresh.'"
 Twain Mark
The course of true anything never does run smooth.
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A woman takes off her claim to respect along with her garments.
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Random Quote
Under every stone lurks a politician.
 Aristophanes
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