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Time as he grows old teaches all things.

Englan Mark Twain on New


Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations Sign on a cabin door of a Soviet Black Sea cruise liner: Helpsavering apparata in emergings behold many whistles! Associate the stringing apparata about the bosums and meet behind, flee then t

Li Mark Twain


A definition of teaching: casting fake pearls before real swine.

Mark Twain


"Taxes should hurt. I just mailed my own tax return last night and I am prepared to say `ouch!' as loud as anyone."

Mark Twain


If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.

Mark Twain


If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The "professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on t

Mark Twain


The world is full of people who have never, since childhood, met an open doorway with an open mind.

Mark Twain


I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.

Mark Twain


God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little... The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty [...] I do not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman... not enough to support a man and fiv

Mark Twain


TO THOSE OF YOU WHO DESIRE IT, I GRANT YOU MADRAK'S BLESSING: Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you may have done or failed to do which requires for

Mark Twain


Hating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie, unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax.

Mark Twain


Neckties strangle clear thinking.

Mark Twain


Questions are never indiscreet, answers sometimes are.

Twain Mark


When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.

Twain Mark


The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.

Twain Mark


VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot. This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to

Twain Mark


Plus ,ca change, plus c'est la m^eme chose. [The more things change, the more they remain the same.]

Twain Mark


(1) Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood. (2) If your stomach antagonizes you, pacify it with cool thoughts. (3) Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move. (4) Go very lightly on the vices, such as carrying on in society, as

Twain Mark


Peace cannot be kept by force; it can only be achieved by understanding.

Twain Mark


It is easier to make a saint out of a libertine than out of a prig.

Twain Mark


One is often kept in the right road by a rut.

Twain Mark


"Are you police officers?" "No, ma'am. We're musicians."

Twain Mark


When the President does it, that means it is not illegal.

Twain Mark


You can have peace. Or you can have freedom. Don't ever count on having both at once.

Twain Mark


"If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination."

Twain Mark


Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business. Cheat.

Twain Mark


BS: You remind me of a man. B: What man? BS: The man with the power. B: What power? BS: The power of voodoo. B: Voodoo? BS: You do. B: Do what? BS: Remind me of a man. B: What man? BS: The man with the power...

Twain Mark


You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do.

Twain Mark


Scratch the average female and you'll find a purring bundle... at the ready to love and honor, bake a torte and still produce quintuplets.

Twain Mark


Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original and the part that is original is not good.

Twain Mark


In a country where the sole employer is the State, opposition means death by slow starvation. The old principle: Who does not work shall not eat, has been replaced by a new one: Who does not obey shall not eat.

Twain Mark


Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit. [There is no great genius without some touch of madness.]

Twain Mark


A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.

Twain Mark


Human resources are human first, and resources second.

Twain Mark


Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength. War is peace.

Twain Mark


Such evil deeds could religion prompt.

Twain Mark


Everyone is in the best seat.

Twain Mark


I made it a rule to forbear all direct contradictions to the sentiments of others, and all positive assertion of my own. I even forbade myself the use of every word or expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion, such as "certainly", "

Twain Mark


Take what you can use and let the rest go by.

Twain Mark


It is often easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission.

Twain Mark


When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes.

Twain Mark


It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our offense consists in doubting it.

Twain Mark


Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas" until you are told that those rooms are "punched out." Once punched out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such.

Twain Mark


Never look a gift horse in the mouth.

Twain Mark


"...The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!" "Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to feel interested. "No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little vexed. "That's what the name is called. The nam

Twain Mark


The Least Successful Collector Betsy Baker played a central role in the history of collecting. She was employed as a servant in the house of John Warburton (1682-1759) who had amassed a fine collection of 58 first edition plays, including most of t

Twain Mark


People say I live in my own little fantasy world... well, at least they *know* me there!

Twain Mark


Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt. [Confound those who have said our remarks before us.] or [May they perish who have expressed our bright ideas before us.]

Twain Mark


"If we relied conclusively on scientific data for every one of our findings, I'm afraid all of our work would be inconclusive."

Twain Mark


If you are a fatalist, what can you do about it?

Twain Mark


Men are superior to women.

Twain Mark


Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.

Twain Mark


The public is an old woman. Let her maunder and mumble.

Twain Mark


It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely the most important.

Twain Mark


God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying other things.

Twain Mark


If the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust, this would be a better world.

Twain Mark


Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations Various signs in Poland: Right turn toward immediate outside. Go soothingly in the snow, as there lurk the ski demons. Five o'clock tea at all hours. In a men's washroom in Sidney:

Twain Mark


Govern a great nation as you would cook a small fish. Don't overdo it.

Twain Mark


It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either.

Twain Mark


The smallest worm will turn being trodden on.

Twain Mark


Women are nothing but machines for producing children.

Twain Mark


I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the whole field to private industry.

Twain Mark


The Worst Car Hire Service When David Schwartz left university in 1972, he set up Rent-a-wreck as a joke. Being a natural prankster, he acquired a fleet of beat-up shabby, wreckages waiting for the scrap heap in California. He put on a cap and lo

Twain Mark


Never laugh at live dragons.

Twain Mark


An honest politician is one who when he is bought will stay bought.

Twain Mark


In childhood a woman must be subject to her father; in youth to her husband; when her husband is dead, to her sons. A woman must never be free of subjugation.

Twain Mark


Odets, where is thy sting?

Twain Mark


The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.

Twain Mark


We may not be able to persuade Hindus that Jesus and not Vishnu should govern their spiritual horizon, nor Moslems that Lord Buddha is at the center of their spiritual universe, nor Hebrews that Mohammed is a major prohpet, nor Christians that Shinto

Twain Mark


We rarely find anyone who can say he has lived a happy life, and who, content with his life, can retire from the world like a satisfied guest.

Twain Mark


People who develop the habit of thinking of themselves as world citizens are fulfilling the first requirement of sanity in our time.

Twain Mark


The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly important thing to people.

Twain Mark


Just because I turn down a contract on a guy doesn't mean he isn't going to get hit.

Twain Mark


You shall judge of a man by his foes as well as by his friends.

Twain Mark


I can't stand squealers; hit that guy.

Twain Mark


Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not, when a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and apparently incoherent songs. I was myself within the circle, so that I neither saw nor heard as those without might

Twain Mark


... it still remains true that as a set of cognitive beliefs about the existence of God in any recognizable sense continuous with the great systems of the past, religious doctrines constitute a speculative hypothesis of an extremely low order of prob

Twain Mark


The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

Twain Mark


One would like to stroke and caress human beings, but one dares not do so, because they bite.

Twain Mark


What one fool can do, another can.

Twain Mark


With her body, woman is more sincere than man; but with her mind she lies. And when she lies, she does not believe herself.

Twain Mark


Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it's just the opposite.

Twain Mark


Going into politics is as fatal to a gentleman as going into a bordello is fatal to a virgin.

Twain Mark


I always wake up at the crack of ice.

Twain Mark


The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover's Lane holding his own hand.

Twain Mark


The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should therefore be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated. If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to declare war and they are screened at onc

Twain Mark


We are not loved by our friends for what we are; rather, we are loved in spite of what we are.

Twain Mark


Then there's the story of the man who avoided reality for 70 years with drugs, sex, alcohol, fantasy, TV, movies, records, a hobby, lots of sleep... And on his 80th birthday died without ever having faced any of his real problems. The man's young

Twain Mark


Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions.

Twain Mark


I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob.

Twain Mark


Lay off the muses, it's a very tough dollar.

Twain Mark


No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

Twain Mark


Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.

Twain Mark


Just because you like my stuff doesn't mean I owe you anything.

Twain Mark


A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election.

Twain Mark





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Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even worse.
Avery

deep thoughts of brillyant genius of human history
Twain Mark
 
 
 
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