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The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because it isn't here.

Englan Mark Twain on New


Lookie, lookie, here comes cookie...

Li Mark Twain


... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If somebody gets handed a name like "H.

Mark Twain


The Least Successful Equal Pay Advertisement In 1976 the European Economic Community pointed out to the Irish Government that it had not yet implemented the agreed sex equality legislation. The Dublin Government immediately advertised for an equal

Mark Twain


Armenians and Azerbaijanis in Stepanakert, capital of the Nagorno-Karabakh autonomous region, rioted over much needed spelling reform in the Soviet Union.

Mark Twain


We all declare for liberty, but in using the same word we do not all mean the same thing.

Mark Twain


A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Mark Twain


What you want, what you're hanging around in the world waiting for, is for something to occur to you.

Mark Twain


"If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far."

Mark Twain


If we see the light at the end of the tunnel, it's the light of an oncoming train.

Mark Twain


It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either.

Mark Twain


I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man.

Mark Twain


If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism.

Twain Mark


I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.

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Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to exactly the point of most pressure.

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An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest.

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When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.

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Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep". Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference: "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling." Obvious, isn't

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A witty saying proves nothing.

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Competitive fury is not always anger. It is the true missionary's courage and zeal in facing the possibility that one's best may not be enough.

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Art is either plagiarism or revolution.

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A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday.

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XI: If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would get twice as much done. If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty times as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all the managers would fly off. XII: I

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There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary as 'unearned income.'

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Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.

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The rule is, jam to-morrow and jam yesterday, but never jam today.

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Very few blacks will take up golf until the requirement for plaid pants is dropped.

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I went into the business for the money, and the art grew out of it. If people are disillusioned by that remark, I can't help it. It's the truth.

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In spite of everything, I still believe that people are good at heart.

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We should have a great many fewer disputes in the world if only words were taken for what they are, the signs of our ideas only, and not for things themselves.

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Princeton's taste is sweet like a strawberry tart. Harvard's is a subtle taste, like whiskey, coffee, or tobacco. It may even be a bad habit, for all I know.

Twain Mark


Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest r

Twain Mark


A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)

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The greatest productive force is human selfishness.

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If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

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If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, it might well prolong his life.

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Under every stone lurks a politician.

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This was the most unkindest cut of all.

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God was satisfied with his own work, and that is fatal.

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A good question is never answered. It is not a bolt to be tightened into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the hope of greening the landscape of idea.

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If you would know the value of money, go try to borrow some.

Twain Mark


All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard, ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas.

Twain Mark


The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.

Twain Mark


Well, he didn't know what to do, so he decided to look at the government, to see what they did, and scale it down and run his life that way.

Twain Mark


What is good? Everything that heightens the feeling of power in man, the will to power, power itself. What is bad? Everything that is born of weakness. Not contentedness but more power; not peace but war; not virtue but fitness. The weak and the

Twain Mark


If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all.

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When I reflect upon the number of disagreeable people who I know who have gone to a better world, I am moved to lead a different life.

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Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind the tree."

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Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch" may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used whe

Twain Mark


Perhaps no person can be a poet, or even enjoy poetry without a certain unsoundness of mind.

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Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin.

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It is easy to find fault, if one has that disposition. There was once a man who, not being able to find any other fault with his coal, complained that there were too many prehistoric toads in it.

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Anyone who has had a bull by the tail knows five or six more things than someone who hasn't.

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Piece of cake!

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If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.

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The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence that it is not utterly absurd; indeed, in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind, a widespread belief is more often likely to be foolish than sensible.

Twain Mark


In the begining, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be mud." And there was mud. And God said, "Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud can see what we have done." And God created every living creature that now moveth, and

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The sunlights differ, but there is only one darkness.

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Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral.

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Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind.

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Well, you know, no matter where you go, there you are.

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God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying other things.

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All hope abandon, ye who enter here!

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Think lucky. If you fall in a pond, check your pockets for fish.

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In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

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Cold is God's way of teling us to burn more Catholics.

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Every young man should have a hobby: learning how to handle money is the best one.

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I do not patronize poor, ill educated, or disenfranchised people by exempting them from the same critical examination I feel free to direct toward the rest of society, however much I might champion the same minority or disadvantaged group in the foru

Twain Mark


Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.

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Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing between the disastrous and the unpalatable.

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Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.

Twain Mark


The Least Successful Police Dogs America has a very strong candidate in "La Dur", a fearsome looking schnauzer hound, who was retired from the Orlando police force in Florida in 1978. He consistently refused to do anything which might ruffle or of

Twain Mark


If the ends don't justify the means, then what does?

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The scum also rises.

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The pollution's at that awkward stage. Too thick to navigate and too thin to cultivate.

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It is a lesson which all history teaches wise men, to put trust in ideas, and not in circumstances.

Twain Mark


Save the Whales

Twain Mark


It follows that any commander in chief who undertakes to carry out a plan which he considers defective is at fault; he must put forth his reasons, insist of the plan being changed, and finally tender his resignation rather than be the instrument of h

Twain Mark


He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom.

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Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops.

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If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know.

Twain Mark


Politics are almost as exciting as war, and quite as dangerous. In war, you can only be killed once.

Twain Mark


All of us should treasure his Oriental wisdom and his preaching of a Zen-like detachment, as exemplified by his constant reminder to clerks, tellers, or others who grew excited by his presence in their banks: "Just lie down on the floor and keep calm

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I have ways of making money that you know nothing of.

Twain Mark


"Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school.

Twain Mark


October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks in. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August, and February.

Twain Mark


The optimum committee has no members.

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The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late and owns the worm farm.

Twain Mark


A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.

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You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

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I have just enough white in me to make my honesty questionable.

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Ignorance is never out of style. It was in fashion yesterday, it is the rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow.

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"My country, right or wrong" is a thing that no patriot would think of saying, except in a desperate case. It is like saying "My mother, drunk or sober."

Twain Mark


An aphorism is never exactly true; it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths.

Twain Mark


I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the kind of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled substances being in widespread use. Back then, there were no restrictions, in terms of talent, on who could make

Twain Mark





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If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows.
saying Yiddish

deep thoughts of brillyant genius of human history
Twain Mark
 
 
 
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