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The Bible says that woman was the last thing God made. Evidently He made her on Saturday night. She reveals his fatigue.

Englan Mark Twain on New


The use of money is all the advantage there is to having money.

Li Mark Twain


Never tell people how to do things. Tell them WHAT to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.

Mark Twain


Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.

Mark Twain


It is annoying to be honest to no purpose.

Mark Twain


When you die, you lose a very important part of your life.

Mark Twain


If you know the answer to a question, don't ask.

Mark Twain


You are never given a wish without also being given the power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however.

Mark Twain


Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.

Mark Twain


... before I could come to any conclusion it occurred to me that my speech or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility. What did it matter what anyone knew or ignored? What did it matter who was manager? One gets sometimes s

Mark Twain


A priest asked: What is Fate, Master? And the Master answered: It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence. It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs. It is that which has caused nations to build bywa

Mark Twain


Neckties strangle clear thinking.

Mark Twain


From the cradle to the coffin underwear comes first.

Twain Mark


An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest.

Twain Mark


To accuse others for one's own misfortunes is a sign of want of education. To accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun. To accuse neither oneself nor others shows that one's education is complete.

Twain Mark


Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement.

Twain Mark


A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back the when it begins to rain.

Twain Mark


Who dat who say "who dat" when I say "who dat"?

Twain Mark


HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., motion that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate amendment making changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. The Senate amendment was an amendment to the

Twain Mark


To teach is to learn twice.

Twain Mark


When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.

Twain Mark


Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

Twain Mark


Facts, apart from their relationships, are like labels on empty bottles.

Twain Mark


They can't stop us... we're on a mission from God!

Twain Mark


"Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him."

Twain Mark


Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment.

Twain Mark


If I could reach, I'd never leave the house.

Twain Mark


In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment was expressed by Thomas K. Co

Twain Mark


Term, holidays, term, holidays, till we leave school, and then work, work, work till we die.

Twain Mark


A man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles in the road.

Twain Mark


My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind.

Twain Mark


One good turn deserves another.

Twain Mark


"There is no Father Christmas. It's just a marketing ploy to make low income parents' lives a misery." "... I want you to picture the trusting face of a child, streaked with tears because of what you just said." "I want you to picture the face of

Twain Mark


Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

Twain Mark


He who despairs over an event is a coward, but he who holds hopes for the human condition is a fool.

Twain Mark


The road to Hades is easy to travel.

Twain Mark


The first rule of all intelligent tinkering is to keep all the parts.

Twain Mark


The price of success in philosophy is triviality.

Twain Mark


I didn't believe in reincarnation in any of my other lives. I don't see why I should have to believe in it in this one.

Twain Mark


What we wish, that we readily believe.

Twain Mark


"Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school.

Twain Mark


There is no proverb that is not true.

Twain Mark


All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard, ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas.

Twain Mark


What!? Me worry?

Twain Mark


Only those who leisurely approach that which the masses are busy about can be busy about that which the masses take leisurely.

Twain Mark


None love the bearer of bad news.

Twain Mark


You can't run away forever, But there's nothing wrong with getting a good head start.

Twain Mark


Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at reasonable prices? Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's build a home center. And before long ho

Twain Mark


Piece of cake!

Twain Mark


I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock.

Twain Mark


This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with great force.

Twain Mark


What we do not understand we do not possess.

Twain Mark


Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths good theatre.

Twain Mark


There's nothing worse for your business than extra Santa Clauses smoking in the men's room.

Twain Mark


It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do.

Twain Mark


One hundred women are not worth a single testicle.

Twain Mark


The meek shall inherit the earth, but *not* its mineral rights.

Twain Mark


Honesty's the best policy.

Twain Mark


Somehow I reached excess without ever noticing when I was passing through satisfaction.

Twain Mark


I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education.

Twain Mark


The error of youth is to believe that intelligence is a substitute for experience, while the error of age is to believe experience is a substitute for intelligence.

Twain Mark


We'll be recording at the Paradise Friday night. Live, on the Death label.

Twain Mark


Business will be either better or worse.

Twain Mark


Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves.

Twain Mark


I owe the public nothing.

Twain Mark


The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

Twain Mark


Everything is possible. Pass the word.

Twain Mark


Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend.

Twain Mark


I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Twain Mark


I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man.

Twain Mark


Catharsis is something I associate with pornography and crossword puzzles.

Twain Mark


Don't go to bed with no price on your head.

Twain Mark


A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed.

Twain Mark


A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies, scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom.

Twain Mark


A journey of a thousand miles starts under one's feet.

Twain Mark


A full belly makes a dull brain.

Twain Mark


Everything takes longer, costs more, and is less useful.

Twain Mark


Luck, that's when preparation and opportunity meet.

Twain Mark


There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Twain Mark


XLI: The more one produces, the less one gets. XLII: Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite testing. XLIII: Hardware works best when it matters the least. XLIV: Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a we

Twain Mark


The future not being born, my friend, we will abstain from baptizing it.

Twain Mark


If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Twain Mark


In spite of everything, I still believe that people are good at heart.

Twain Mark


No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the Continent, a part of the maine; if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea, Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne we

Twain Mark


Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like.

Twain Mark


Life would be tolerable but for its amusements.

Twain Mark


God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.

Twain Mark


Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.

Twain Mark


When alerted to an intrusion by tinkling glass or otherwise, 1) Calm yourself 2) Identify the intruder 3) If hostile, kill him. Step number 3 is of particular importance. If you leave the guy alive out of misguided softheartedness, he will repay y

Twain Mark


If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one.

Twain Mark


No good deed goes unpunished.

Twain Mark


Nothing succeeds like success.

Twain Mark


The farther you go, the less you know.

Twain Mark


... why should you waste a single moment of *your* life seeming to be something you don't want to be? Lord, that's so simple. If you hate your job, quit it. If your friends are tedious, go out and find new friends. You are queer, you lucky fool, a

Twain Mark


Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.

Twain Mark





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I would have made a good pope.
Nixon Richard

deep thoughts of brillyant genius of human history
Twain Mark
 
 
 
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