There's no such thing as a free lunch.

The superfluous is very necessary.

It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the r

Credit ... is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man.

Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near the earth's surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people to do so.

Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much better.

Do not seek death; death will find you. But seek the road which makes death a fulfillment.

The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.

Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you will pay only the station-to-station rate.

There are many of us in this old world of ours who hold that things break about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get about the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summer and the poor get it in the winter.

God was satisfied with his own work, and that is fatal.

The faster I go, the behinder I get.

When the ax entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us!"

Leave no stone unturned.

Love may laugh at locksmiths, but he has a profound respect for money bags.

Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith.

If a fool persists in his folly he shall become wise.

A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.

Term, holidays, term, holidays, till we leave school, and then work, work, work till we die.

The first requisite for immortality is death.

If you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk. If you wish to be happy for three days, get married. If you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it. If you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish.

Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods.

Well begun is half done.

"Necessity is the mother of invention" is a silly proverb. "Necessity is the mother of futile dodges" is much nearer the truth.

Your wig steers the gig.

Lo! Men have become the tool of their tools.

What!? Me worry?

Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"

XXI: It's easy to get a loan unless you need it. XXII: If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock, not selling advice. XXIII: Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is currently estimated. XXIV:

Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.

The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped marker.

Haste makes waste.

A man is known by the company he organizes.

In the long run we are all dead.

A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth.

Objectivity is to a newspaper what virtue is to a woman.

Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort of like a shell leaving the nut behind.

Human resources are human first, and resources second.

An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see a great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures. I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment. I have given up everything I was aske

Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously; and do not take what happens either to yourself or your work seriously.

The possession of a book becomes a substitute for reading it.

Practice yourself what you preach.

If you sell diamonds, you cannot expect to have many customers. But a diamond is a diamond even if there are no customers.

Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.

A journey of a thousand miles starts under one's feet.

Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy.

"Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich."

Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral.

What one believes to be true either is true or becomes true.

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances.

It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end.

Those who do things in a noble spirit of self-sacrifice are to be avoided at all costs.

It seems to me that nearly every woman I know wants a man who knows how to love with authority. Women are simple souls who like simple things, and one of the simplest is one of the simplest to give. ... Our family airedale will come clear across t

When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.

Call on God, but row away from the rocks.

I didn't believe in reincarnation in any of my other lives. I don't see why I should have to believe in it in this one.

Among all savage beasts, none is found so harmful as woman.

When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.

Certainly the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

Let sleeping dogs lie.

The road to ruin is always in good repair, and the travellers pay the expense of it.

Like, if I'm not for me, then fer shure, like who will be? And if, y'know, if I'm not like fer anyone else, then hey, I mean, what am I? And if not now, like I dunno, maybe like when? And if not Who, then I dunno, maybe like the Rolling Stones?

The man-hating woman, like the cold woman, is largely imaginary. She is simply a woman who has done her best to snare a man and has failed.

We have reason to be afraid. This is a terrible place.

Arrakis teaches the attitude of the knife - chopping off what's incomplete and saying: "Now it's complete because it's ended here."

I never cheated an honest man, only rascals. They wanted something for nothing. I gave them nothing for something.

By the middle 1880's, practically all the roads except those in the South, were of the present standard gauge. The southern roads were still five feet between rails. It was decided to change the gauge of all southern roads to standard, in one day

The truth is rarely pure, and never simple.

Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations. He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan, then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open market. If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarri

To generalize is to be an idiot.

A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility.

It doesn't matter whether you win or lose

Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped.

Don't guess

Life is like a 10 speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.

One hundred women are not worth a single testicle.

He thought of Musashi, the Sword Saint, standing in his garden more than three hundred years ago. "What is the 'Body of a rock'?" he was asked. In answer, Musashi summoned a pupil of his and bid him kill himself by slashing his abdomen with a knife.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

The fact that it works is immaterial.

It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish.

I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two highly trained certified public accountants.

The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used.

Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas" until you are told that those rooms are "punched out." Once punched out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such.

Standards are different for all things, so the standard set by man is by no means the only 'certain' standard. If you mistake what is relative for something certain, you have strayed far from the ultimate truth.

Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.

Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall.

There is nothing new except what has been forgotten.

The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late and owns the worm farm.

Facts, apart from their relationships, are like labels on empty bottles.

Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home tool sets for under $4?" An excellent question. Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where they

You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred.