The Bible says that woman was the last thing God made. Evidently He made her on Saturday night. She reveals his fatigue.

The use of money is all the advantage there is to having money.

Never tell people how to do things. Tell them WHAT to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.

Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.

It is annoying to be honest to no purpose.

When you die, you lose a very important part of your life.

If you know the answer to a question, don't ask.

You are never given a wish without also being given the power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however.

Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.

... before I could come to any conclusion it occurred to me that my speech or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility. What did it matter what anyone knew or ignored? What did it matter who was manager? One gets sometimes s

A priest asked: What is Fate, Master? And the Master answered: It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence. It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs. It is that which has caused nations to build bywa

Neckties strangle clear thinking.

From the cradle to the coffin underwear comes first.

An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest.

To accuse others for one's own misfortunes is a sign of want of education. To accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun. To accuse neither oneself nor others shows that one's education is complete.

Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement.

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back the when it begins to rain.

Who dat who say "who dat" when I say "who dat"?

HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., motion that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate amendment making changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. The Senate amendment was an amendment to the

To teach is to learn twice.

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

Facts, apart from their relationships, are like labels on empty bottles.

They can't stop us... we're on a mission from God!

"Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him."

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment.

If I could reach, I'd never leave the house.

In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment was expressed by Thomas K. Co

Term, holidays, term, holidays, till we leave school, and then work, work, work till we die.

A man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles in the road.

My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind.

One good turn deserves another.

"There is no Father Christmas. It's just a marketing ploy to make low income parents' lives a misery." "... I want you to picture the trusting face of a child, streaked with tears because of what you just said." "I want you to picture the face of

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

He who despairs over an event is a coward, but he who holds hopes for the human condition is a fool.

The road to Hades is easy to travel.

The first rule of all intelligent tinkering is to keep all the parts.

The price of success in philosophy is triviality.

I didn't believe in reincarnation in any of my other lives. I don't see why I should have to believe in it in this one.

What we wish, that we readily believe.

"Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school.

There is no proverb that is not true.

All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard, ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas.

What!? Me worry?

Only those who leisurely approach that which the masses are busy about can be busy about that which the masses take leisurely.

None love the bearer of bad news.

You can't run away forever, But there's nothing wrong with getting a good head start.

Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at reasonable prices? Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's build a home center. And before long ho

Piece of cake!

I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock.

This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with great force.

What we do not understand we do not possess.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths good theatre.

There's nothing worse for your business than extra Santa Clauses smoking in the men's room.

It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do.

One hundred women are not worth a single testicle.

The meek shall inherit the earth, but *not* its mineral rights.

Honesty's the best policy.

Somehow I reached excess without ever noticing when I was passing through satisfaction.

I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education.

The error of youth is to believe that intelligence is a substitute for experience, while the error of age is to believe experience is a substitute for intelligence.

We'll be recording at the Paradise Friday night. Live, on the Death label.

Business will be either better or worse.

Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves.

I owe the public nothing.

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

Everything is possible. Pass the word.

Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man.

Catharsis is something I associate with pornography and crossword puzzles.

Don't go to bed with no price on your head.

A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed.

A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies, scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom.

A journey of a thousand miles starts under one's feet.

A full belly makes a dull brain.

Everything takes longer, costs more, and is less useful.

Luck, that's when preparation and opportunity meet.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

XLI: The more one produces, the less one gets. XLII: Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite testing. XLIII: Hardware works best when it matters the least. XLIV: Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a we

The future not being born, my friend, we will abstain from baptizing it.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

In spite of everything, I still believe that people are good at heart.

No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the Continent, a part of the maine; if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea, Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne we

Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like.

Life would be tolerable but for its amusements.

God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.

Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.

When alerted to an intrusion by tinkling glass or otherwise, 1) Calm yourself 2) Identify the intruder 3) If hostile, kill him. Step number 3 is of particular importance. If you leave the guy alive out of misguided softheartedness, he will repay y

If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Nothing succeeds like success.

The farther you go, the less you know.

... why should you waste a single moment of *your* life seeming to be something you don't want to be? Lord, that's so simple. If you hate your job, quit it. If your friends are tedious, go out and find new friends. You are queer, you lucky fool, a

Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.