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There's no such thing as a free lunch.

Englan Mark Twain on New


The superfluous is very necessary.

Li Mark Twain


It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the r

Mark Twain


Credit ... is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man.

Mark Twain


Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near the earth's surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people to do so.

Mark Twain


Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much better.

Mark Twain


Do not seek death; death will find you. But seek the road which makes death a fulfillment.

Mark Twain


The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.

Mark Twain


Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you will pay only the station-to-station rate.

Mark Twain


There are many of us in this old world of ours who hold that things break about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get about the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summer and the poor get it in the winter.

Mark Twain


God was satisfied with his own work, and that is fatal.

Mark Twain


The faster I go, the behinder I get.

Mark Twain


When the ax entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us!"

Twain Mark


Leave no stone unturned.

Twain Mark


Love may laugh at locksmiths, but he has a profound respect for money bags.

Twain Mark


Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith.

Twain Mark


If a fool persists in his folly he shall become wise.

Twain Mark


A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.

Twain Mark


Term, holidays, term, holidays, till we leave school, and then work, work, work till we die.

Twain Mark


The first requisite for immortality is death.

Twain Mark


If you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk. If you wish to be happy for three days, get married. If you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it. If you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish.

Twain Mark


Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods.

Twain Mark


Well begun is half done.

Twain Mark


"Necessity is the mother of invention" is a silly proverb. "Necessity is the mother of futile dodges" is much nearer the truth.

Twain Mark


Your wig steers the gig.

Twain Mark


Lo! Men have become the tool of their tools.

Twain Mark


What!? Me worry?

Twain Mark


Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away.

Twain Mark


Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

Twain Mark


"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"

Twain Mark


XXI: It's easy to get a loan unless you need it. XXII: If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock, not selling advice. XXIII: Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is currently estimated. XXIV:

Twain Mark


Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.

Twain Mark


The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped marker.

Twain Mark


Haste makes waste.

Twain Mark


A man is known by the company he organizes.

Twain Mark


In the long run we are all dead.

Twain Mark


A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth.

Twain Mark


Objectivity is to a newspaper what virtue is to a woman.

Twain Mark


Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort of like a shell leaving the nut behind.

Twain Mark


Human resources are human first, and resources second.

Twain Mark


An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see a great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures. I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment. I have given up everything I was aske

Twain Mark


Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously; and do not take what happens either to yourself or your work seriously.

Twain Mark


The possession of a book becomes a substitute for reading it.

Twain Mark


Practice yourself what you preach.

Twain Mark


If you sell diamonds, you cannot expect to have many customers. But a diamond is a diamond even if there are no customers.

Twain Mark


Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.

Twain Mark


A journey of a thousand miles starts under one's feet.

Twain Mark


Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy.

Twain Mark


"Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich."

Twain Mark


Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral.

Twain Mark


What one believes to be true either is true or becomes true.

Twain Mark


Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

Twain Mark


Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances.

Twain Mark


It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end.

Twain Mark


Those who do things in a noble spirit of self-sacrifice are to be avoided at all costs.

Twain Mark


It seems to me that nearly every woman I know wants a man who knows how to love with authority. Women are simple souls who like simple things, and one of the simplest is one of the simplest to give. ... Our family airedale will come clear across t

Twain Mark


When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.

Twain Mark


Call on God, but row away from the rocks.

Twain Mark


I didn't believe in reincarnation in any of my other lives. I don't see why I should have to believe in it in this one.

Twain Mark


Among all savage beasts, none is found so harmful as woman.

Twain Mark


When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.

Twain Mark


Certainly the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win.

Twain Mark


If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

Twain Mark


Let sleeping dogs lie.

Twain Mark


The road to ruin is always in good repair, and the travellers pay the expense of it.

Twain Mark


Like, if I'm not for me, then fer shure, like who will be? And if, y'know, if I'm not like fer anyone else, then hey, I mean, what am I? And if not now, like I dunno, maybe like when? And if not Who, then I dunno, maybe like the Rolling Stones?

Twain Mark


The man-hating woman, like the cold woman, is largely imaginary. She is simply a woman who has done her best to snare a man and has failed.

Twain Mark


We have reason to be afraid. This is a terrible place.

Twain Mark


Arrakis teaches the attitude of the knife - chopping off what's incomplete and saying: "Now it's complete because it's ended here."

Twain Mark


I never cheated an honest man, only rascals. They wanted something for nothing. I gave them nothing for something.

Twain Mark


By the middle 1880's, practically all the roads except those in the South, were of the present standard gauge. The southern roads were still five feet between rails. It was decided to change the gauge of all southern roads to standard, in one day

Twain Mark


The truth is rarely pure, and never simple.

Twain Mark


Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations. He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan, then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open market. If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarri

Twain Mark


To generalize is to be an idiot.

Twain Mark


A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility.

Twain Mark


It doesn't matter whether you win or lose

Twain Mark


Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped.

Twain Mark


Don't guess

Twain Mark


Life is like a 10 speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.

Twain Mark


One hundred women are not worth a single testicle.

Twain Mark


He thought of Musashi, the Sword Saint, standing in his garden more than three hundred years ago. "What is the 'Body of a rock'?" he was asked. In answer, Musashi summoned a pupil of his and bid him kill himself by slashing his abdomen with a knife.

Twain Mark


There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Twain Mark


The fact that it works is immaterial.

Twain Mark


It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish.

Twain Mark


I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two highly trained certified public accountants.

Twain Mark


The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used.

Twain Mark


Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas" until you are told that those rooms are "punched out." Once punched out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such.

Twain Mark


Standards are different for all things, so the standard set by man is by no means the only 'certain' standard. If you mistake what is relative for something certain, you have strayed far from the ultimate truth.

Twain Mark


Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.

Twain Mark


Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall.

Twain Mark


There is nothing new except what has been forgotten.

Twain Mark


The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late and owns the worm farm.

Twain Mark


Facts, apart from their relationships, are like labels on empty bottles.

Twain Mark


Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home tool sets for under $4?" An excellent question. Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where they

Twain Mark


You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred.

Twain Mark





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No Marxist can deny that the interests of socialism are higher than the interests of the right of nations to self-determination.
Lenin

deep thoughts of brillyant genius of human history
Twain Mark
 
 
 
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