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Monterey... is decidedly the pleasantest and most civilized-looking place in California ... [it] is also a great place for cock-fighting, gambling of all sorts, fandangos, and various kinds of amusements and knavery.

Englan Mark Twain on New


They use different words for things in America. For instance they say elevator and we say lift. They say drapes and we say curtains. They say president and we say brain damaged git.

Li Mark Twain


The Least Successful Executions History has furnished us with two executioners worthy of attention. The first performed in Sydney in Australia. In 1803 three attempts were made to hang a Mr. Joseph Samuels. On the first two of these the rope snap

Mark Twain


"All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands."

Mark Twain


I think the world is run by C students.

Mark Twain


If you are shooting under 80 you are neglecting your business; over 80 you are neglecting your golf.

Mark Twain


"Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence"

Mark Twain


We may not be able to persuade Hindus that Jesus and not Vishnu should govern their spiritual horizon, nor Moslems that Lord Buddha is at the center of their spiritual universe, nor Hebrews that Mohammed is a major prohpet, nor Christians that Shinto

Mark Twain


Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

Mark Twain


The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey.

Mark Twain


It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely the most important.

Mark Twain


A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a "Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.

Mark Twain


Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like.

Twain Mark


War is delightful to those who have had no experience of it.

Twain Mark


What I tell you three times is true.

Twain Mark


Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than we deserve.

Twain Mark


A good name lost is seldom regained. When character is gone, all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever.

Twain Mark


Facts are the enemy of truth.

Twain Mark


I believe that the moment is near when by a procedure of active paranoiac thought, it will be possible to systematize confusion and contribute to the total discrediting of the world of reality.

Twain Mark


If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Twain Mark


What makes you think graduate school is supposed to be satisfying?

Twain Mark


I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some kind of loophole.

Twain Mark


Some people say a front-engine car handles best. Some people say a rear-engine car handles best. I say a rented car handles best.

Twain Mark


Don't get mad, get even.

Twain Mark


America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization.

Twain Mark


Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.

Twain Mark


The first sign of corruption in a society that is still alive is that the end justifies the means.

Twain Mark


What you don't know won't help you much either.

Twain Mark


The man-hating woman, like the cold woman, is largely imaginary. She is simply a woman who has done her best to snare a man and has failed.

Twain Mark


There can be no daily democracy without daily citizenship.

Twain Mark


With reasonable men I will reason; with humane men I will plead; but to tyrants I will give no quarter.

Twain Mark


Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed down-stairs a step at a time.

Twain Mark


The coast was clear.

Twain Mark


"I'd like to start a new religion. One that doesn't use a dead young man as its logo."

Twain Mark


I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said, "What'll you have, Bud"? I said," I don't know, surprise me". So he showed me a nude picture of my wife.

Twain Mark


I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

Twain Mark


Swerve me? The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails, whereon my soul is grooved to run. Over unsounded gorges, through the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly I rush!

Twain Mark


It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire.

Twain Mark


The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of management is that success equals skill.

Twain Mark


We were so poor we couldn't afford a watchdog. If we heard a noise at night, we'd bark ourselves.

Twain Mark


You guys have been practicing discrimination for years. Now it's our turn.

Twain Mark


If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could work for with a great deal of enjoyment.

Twain Mark


It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be privileged to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to corrupt the youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles.

Twain Mark


I didn't do it! Nobody saw me do it! Can't prove anything!

Twain Mark


What is good? Everything that heightens the feeling of power in man, the will to power, power itself. What is bad? Everything that is born of weakness. Not contentedness but more power; not peace but war; not virtue but fitness. The weak and the

Twain Mark


The road to ruin is always in good repair, and the travellers pay the expense of it.

Twain Mark


With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time they make a law it's a joke.

Twain Mark


I would like the government to do all it can to mitigate, then, in understanding, in mutuality of interest, in concern for the common good, our tasks will be solved.

Twain Mark


It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back.

Twain Mark


Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and not tried.

Twain Mark


It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the r

Twain Mark


We Americans, we're a simple people... but piss us off, and we'll bomb your cities.

Twain Mark


Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you awfully comfortable while you're being miserable.

Twain Mark


Has the great art and mystery of politics no apparent utility? Does it appear to be unqualifiedly ratty, raffish, sordid, obscene and low down, and its salient virtuosi a gang of umitigated scoundrels? Then let us not forget its high capacity to soo

Twain Mark


There is no act of treachery or mean-ness of which a political party is not capable; for in politics there is no honour.

Twain Mark


Suffering alone exists, none who suffer; The deed there is, but no doer thereof; Nirvana is, but no one is seeking it; The Path there is, but none who travel it.

Twain Mark


Well, you know, no matter where you go, there you are.

Twain Mark


A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.

Twain Mark


Objectivity is to a newspaper what virtue is to a woman.

Twain Mark


It is convenient that there be gods, and, as it is convenient, let us believe there are.

Twain Mark


Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically but oblivious to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank, and due to an overdose of flouride as a child

Twain Mark


The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever been.

Twain Mark


A violent man will die a violent death.

Twain Mark


April 1 This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.

Twain Mark


... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat. It is not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery.

Twain Mark


Go to the Scriptures... the joyful promises it contains will be a balsam to all your troubles.

Twain Mark


Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry.

Twain Mark


To add insult to injury.

Twain Mark


Use an accordion. Go to jail.

Twain Mark


In Hollywood, all marriages are happy. It's trying to live together afterwards that causes the problems.

Twain Mark


In charity there is no excess.

Twain Mark


It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two years.

Twain Mark


If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.

Twain Mark


I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

Twain Mark


A full belly makes a dull brain.

Twain Mark


Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.

Twain Mark


I'm glad I was not born before tea.

Twain Mark


Mr. Salter's side of the conversation was limited to expressions of assent. When Lord Copper was right he said "Definitely, Lord Copper"; when he was wrong, "Up to a point." "Let me see, what's the name of the place I mean? Capital of Japan? Yokoh

Twain Mark


There are no accidents whatsoever in the universe.

Twain Mark


The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

Twain Mark


The big cities of America are becoming Third World countries.

Twain Mark


You can't expect a boy to be vicious till he's been to a good school.

Twain Mark


Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to?

Twain Mark


He draweth out the thread of his verbosity finer than the staple of his argument.

Twain Mark


Politics makes strange bedfellows, and journalism makes strange politics.

Twain Mark


There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Pope.

Twain Mark


It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.

Twain Mark


The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.

Twain Mark


Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.

Twain Mark


A place for everything and everything in its place.

Twain Mark


One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say.

Twain Mark


The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.

Twain Mark


I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.

Twain Mark


A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough to take it all away.

Twain Mark


All diplomacy is a continuation of war by other means.

Twain Mark





Random Quote


Unless hours were cups of sack, and minutes capons, and clocks the tongues of bawds, and dials the signs of leaping houses, and the blessed sun himself a fair, hot wench in flame-colored taffeta, I see no reason why thou shouldst be so superfluous to
Shakespeare William

deep thoughts of brillyant genius of human history
Twain Mark
 
 
 
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