I have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per cent an idiot.

You can never do just one thing.

Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered. I myself would say that it had merely been detected.

Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.

"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"

I used to be disgusted, now I find I'm just amused.

It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.

What you don't know won't help you much either.

The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque Enclosed."

The final delusion is the belief that one has lost all delusions.

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.

Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at the blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead.

Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.

No poet or novelist wishes he was the only one who ever lived, but most of them wish they were the only one alive, and quite a number fondly believe their wish has been granted.

Lo! Men have become the tool of their tools.

Brahma said: Well, after hearing ten thousand explanations, a fool is no wiser. But an intelligent man needs only two thousand five hundred.

It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed.

In Hollywood, all marriages are happy. It's trying to live together afterwards that causes the problems.

It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure.

You mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond the obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason, and an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you.

Suffering alone exists, none who suffer; The deed there is, but no doer thereof; Nirvana is, but no one is seeking it; The Path there is, but none who travel it.

The better part of valor is discretion.

The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for lists of "Ten Best".

With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time they make a law it's a joke.

So little time, so little to do.

Satire is tragedy plus time.

If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, it might well prolong his life.

The greatest productive force is human selfishness.

As failures go, attempting to recall the past is like trying to grasp the meaning of existence. Both make one feel like a baby clutching at a basketball: one's palms keep sliding off.

Darth Vader! Only you would be so bold!

The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used.

Look ere ye leap.

A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper.

This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly, because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has "deregulated" the airline industry. What t

It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something.

All is well that ends well.

We have lingered long enough on the shores of the Cosmic Ocean.

A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator.

"Well, it's garish, ugly, and derelicts have used it for a toilet. The rides are dilapidated to the point of being lethal, and could easily maim or kill innocent little children." "Oh, so you don't like it?" "Don't like it? I'm CRAZY for it."