The Least Successful Executions History has furnished us with two executioners worthy of attention. The first performed in Sydney in Australia. In 1803 three attempts were made to hang a Mr. Joseph Samuels. On the first two of these the rope snap

What is the robbing of a bank compared to the founding of a bank?

A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation. It takes an abundance of imagination, to be sure.

Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.

Never laugh at live dragons.

Things are not always what they seem.

If a man loses his reverence for any part of life, he will lose his reverence for all of life.

What one fool can do, another can.

You may my glories and my state dispose, But not my griefs; still am I king of those.

Men's skin is different from women's skin. It is usually bigger, and it has more snakes tattooed on it. Also, if you examine a woman's skin very closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently tracing the slender curve of her cal

Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental Anguish. You would sue: * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions

The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.

Who dat who say "who dat" when I say "who dat"?

You are never given a wish without also being given the power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however.

Practice yourself what you preach.

After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations.

Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.

There's no justice in this world.

Wagner's music is better than it sounds.

"It's kind of fun to do the impossible."

All phone calls are obscene.

Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly.

Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it.

There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the existence of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any marginally competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat engine and make some other part of hell

The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate knowledge of its ugly side.

I steal.

A witty saying proves nothing.

Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves.

Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamp-post how it feels about dogs.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!" "However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."

Indeed, the first noble truth of Buddhism, usually translated as `all life is suffering,' is more accurately rendered `life is filled with a sense of pervasive unsatisfactoriness.'

Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away someone else's cash.

What good is an obscenity trial except to popularize literature?

Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.

Dustin Farnum: Why, yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats! Oliver Herford: Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of it!

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

Anyone who knows history, particularly the history of Europe, will, I think, recognize that the domination of education or of government by any one particular religious faith is never a happy arrangement for the people.