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All men know the utility of useful things;
but they do not know the utility of futility.
 Allen
Woody
In the highest society, as well as in the lowest, woman is merely an
instrument of pleasure.
 Allen
Woody
Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't
they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning
anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five
years we would have the smartest r Allen
Woody
Our business in life is not to succeed but to continue to fail in high spirits.
 Allen
Woody
I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I
don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected
with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger,
the food cheaper, and old men Allen
Woody
Human resources are human first, and resources second.
 Allen
Woody
In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it.
 Allen
Woody
It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east
laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The
thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle,
nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the r Allen
Woody
Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the
reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest
amount of hot air.
 Allen
Woody
Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students
who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize
it in order to protect themselves.
 Allen
Woody
Prizes are for children.
 Allen
Woody
A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies, scattering the
seed from which other committees will bloom.
 Allen
Woody
Dustin Farnum: Why, yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats!
Oliver Herford: Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of it!
 Allen
Woody
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
 Allen
Woody
The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor,
to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.
 Allen Woody
Three minutes' thought would suffice to find this out; but thought is
irksome and three minutes is a long time.
 Allen Woody
Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak
it to?
 Allen Woody
Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions.
 Woody Allen
There is no cure for birth and death other than to enjoy the interval.
 Woody Allen
A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer should
be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around she deserved.
 Woody Allen
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Random Quote
Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.
 Twain
Mark
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