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All men know the utility of useful things; but they do not know the utility of futility.

Allen Woody


In the highest society, as well as in the lowest, woman is merely an instrument of pleasure.

Allen Woody


Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest r

Allen Woody


Our business in life is not to succeed but to continue to fail in high spirits.

Allen Woody


I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men

Allen Woody


Human resources are human first, and resources second.

Allen Woody


In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it.

Allen Woody


It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the r

Allen Woody


Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest amount of hot air.

Allen Woody


Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves.

Allen Woody


Prizes are for children.

Allen Woody


A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies, scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom.

Allen Woody


Dustin Farnum: Why, yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats! Oliver Herford: Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of it!

Allen Woody


Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Allen Woody


The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.

Allen Woody


Three minutes' thought would suffice to find this out; but thought is irksome and three minutes is a long time.

Allen Woody


Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to?

Allen Woody


Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions.

Woody Allen


There is no cure for birth and death other than to enjoy the interval.

Woody Allen


A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around she deserved.

Woody Allen





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Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.
Twain Mark

deep thoughts of brillyant genius of human history
Woody Allen
 
 
 
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