All men know the utility of useful things; but they do not know the utility of futility.

In the highest society, as well as in the lowest, woman is merely an instrument of pleasure.

Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest r

Our business in life is not to succeed but to continue to fail in high spirits.

I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men

Human resources are human first, and resources second.

In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it.

It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the r

Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest amount of hot air.

Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves.

Prizes are for children.

A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies, scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom.

Dustin Farnum: Why, yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats! Oliver Herford: Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of it!

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.

Three minutes' thought would suffice to find this out; but thought is irksome and three minutes is a long time.

Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to?

Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions.

There is no cure for birth and death other than to enjoy the interval.

A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around she deserved.