"There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him during the trial."

If God wanted us to have a President, He would have sent us a candidate.

I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a toilet seat.

Have you ever stopped to think what it would be like to have a woman President? "I can't deal with the Russians today. Not now. I've got my period."

If you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that's read by persons who move their lips when the're reading to themselves.

Whatever is not nailed down is mine. Whatever I can pry up is not nailed down.

of the time.

"Spare no expense to save money on this one."

Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations Sign on a cathedral in Spain: It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner if dressed as a man. Above the enterance to a Cairo bar: Unaccompanied ladies not admitted unless with husb

I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches.

[Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

Wishing without work is like fishing without bait.

I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs.

You buy a judge by weight, like iron in a junk yard. A justice of the peace or a magistrate can be had for a five-dollar bill. In the municipal courts, he will cost you ten. In the circuit or superior courts, he wants fifteen. The state appellate

XI: If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would get twice as much done. If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty times as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all the managers would fly off. XII: I

"Do you think there's a God?" "Well, ____SOMEbody's out to get me!"

There's nothing worse for your business than extra Santa Clauses smoking in the men's room.

Go away, I'm all right.

A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.

Go to the Scriptures... the joyful promises it contains will be a balsam to all your troubles.

Work Hard. Rock Hard. Eat Hard. Sleep Hard. Grow Big. Wear Glasses If You Need 'Em.

What luck for the rulers that men do not think.

The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.