Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods.

Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of government, therefore,

Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original and the part that is original is not good.

Have the courage to take your own thoughts seriously, for they will shape you.

With women, I've got a long bamboo pole with a leather loop on the end of it. I slip the loop around their necks so they can't get away or come too close. Like catching snakes.

If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.

Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think about sex at all... they become lawyers.

Unprovided with original learning, unformed in the habits of thinking, unskilled in the arts of composition, I resolved to write a book.

And they mainly want to teach them not to question, not to imagine, but to be obedient and behave well so that they can hold them forever as children to their bosom as the second millennium lurches toward its panicky close.

Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them seemed to come from Texas.

Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books.

Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered. I myself would say that it had merely been detected.

The optimum committee has no members.

If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.

Briefly stated, the findings are that when presented with an array of data or a sequence of events in which they are instructed to discover an underlying order, subjects show strong tendencies to perceive order and causality in random arrays, to perc

The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time. The terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of consistency.

I believe that the moment is near when by a procedure of active paranoiac thought, it will be possible to systematize confusion and contribute to the total discrediting of the world of reality.

Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they had towels from my house.

Well, he thought, since neither Aristotelian Logic nor the disciplines of Science seemed to offer much hope, it's time to go beyond them... Drawing a few deep even breaths, he entered a mental state practiced only by Masters of the Universal Way of

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

Necessity has no law.

Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away someone else's cash.

Recently deceased blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan "comes to" after his death. He sees Jimi Hendrix sitting next to him, tuning his guitar. "Holy cow," he thinks to himself, "this guy is my idol." Over at the microphone, about to sing, are Jim Mo

One learns to itch where one can scratch.

If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads.

The road to ruin is always in good repair, and the travellers pay the expense of it.

When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.

A woman's a woman until the day she dies, but a man's only a man as long as he can.

"Well, it's garish, ugly, and derelicts have used it for a toilet. The rides are dilapidated to the point of being lethal, and could easily maim or kill innocent little children." "Oh, so you don't like it?" "Don't like it? I'm CRAZY for it."

A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!" "However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."

There are two kinds of fool. One says, "This is old, and therefore good." And one says, "This is new, and therefore better"

If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end.

I'm glad I was not born before tea.

When eating an elephant take one bite at a time.

Beggars should be no choosers.

If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.

When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.

Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very opposite applies with the judges.

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.

"If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination."

Why attack God? He may be as miserable as we are.