A full belly makes a dull brain.

The ratio of literacy to illiteracy is a constant, but nowadays the illiterates can read.

The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes.

The average Ph.D thesis is nothing but the transference of bones from one graveyard to another.

We are what we pretend to be.

I'd just as soon kiss a Wookie.

Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these.

I hate dying.

Facts are the enemy of truth.

An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition.

Never tell people how to do things. Tell them WHAT to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.

The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization.

Ignorance is never out of style. It was in fashion yesterday, it is the rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow.

No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings.

Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all.

A little bit of rape is good for a man's soul.

"I'm dying," he croaked. "My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted . "You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized. "That's no beagle, it's a mongrel," she muttered. "The fire is going out," he bellowed. "Bad marksmanship," the h

If ever the pleasure of one has to be bought by the pain of the other, there better be no trade. A trade by which one gains and the other loses is a fraud.

Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?

A priest asked: What is Fate, Master? And the Master answered: It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence. It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs. It is that which has caused nations to build bywa

My band career ended late in my senior year when John Cooper and I threw my amplifier out the dormitory window. We did not act in haste. First we checked to make sure the amplifier would fit through the frame, using the belt from my bathrobe to meas

Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves.

If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.

Hard reality has a way of cramping your style.

She was good at playing abstract confusion in the same way a midget is good at being short.

I just asked myself... what would John DeLorean do?

One of your most ancient writers, a historian named Herodotus, tells of a thief who was to be executed. As he was taken away he made a bargain with the king: in one year he would teach the king's favorite horse to sing hymns. The other prisoners wa

"The jig's up, Elman." "Which jig?"

Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves.

A sinking ship gathers no moss.

Not all who own a harp are harpers.

Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest amount of hot air.

Education is what survives when what has been learnt has been forgotten.

If you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk. If you wish to be happy for three days, get married. If you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it. If you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish.

God help those who do not help themselves.

Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and resisting the current what each had

With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time they make a law it's a joke.

Divorce is a game played by lawyers.

If it were thought that anything I wrote was influenced by Robert Frost, I would take that particular work of mine, shred it, and flush it down the toilet, hoping not to clog the pipes. A more sententious, holding- forth old bore who expected every

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.

It has been said [by Anatole France], "it is not by amusing oneself that one learns," and, in reply: "it is *____only* by amusing oneself that one can learn."

Just because you like my stuff doesn't mean I owe you anything.