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Al Gore resembled a Vulcan desperately in need of a blow job.

Abigail Van Buren


America, I'm putting my queer shoulder to the wheel.

About Edmond


Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.

About Edmond


We seldom repent talking too little, but very often talking too much.

About Edmond


The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

Abrams Gen. C.


The worst cliques are those which consist of one man.

Acheson Dean


America is a stronger nation for the ACLU's uncompromising effort.

Acton Lord


No poet or novelist wishes he was the only one who ever lived, but most of them wish they were the only one alive, and quite a number fondly believe their wish has been granted.

Acton Lord


The most recent attempt to revive the moribund campus left, a national conference held at Rutgers University February 5-7, ended when the participants decided that they were too racist to found a new national organization. The stated goal of the c

Adams D.


A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time of trouble.

Adams Franklin


Peace cannot be kept by force; it can only be achieved by understanding.

Adams Franklin


The English instinctively admire any man who has no talent and is modest about it.

Adams Franklin


Any president should have the right to shoot at least two people a year without explanation.

Adams Henry


Don't buy a landslide. I don't want to have to pay for one more vote than I have to.

Adams Henry Brook


I'm not the person your mother warned you about... her imagination isn't that good.

Adams John


When I hear a man applauded by the mob I always feel a pang of pity for him. All he has to do to be hissed is to live long enough.

Adams John Quincy


It takes all kinds to fill the freeways.

Adams Samuel


Don't get the idea that I'm one of those goddamn radicals. Don't get the idea that I'm knocking the American system.

Adams Douglas


It is easy when we are in prosperity to give advice to the afflicted.

AdamsHenry


It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do.

Ade George


"You boys lookin' for trouble?" "Sure. Whaddya got?"

Adenauer Dr. Konrad


A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper.

Adenauer Konrad


As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular.

Adler Alfred


America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room. Every time it wags its tail, it knocks over a chair.

Adler Alfred


Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to exactly the point of most pressure.

Adler Renata


Sanity is the trademark of a weak mind.

Adler Bill


"We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!"

Adler Bill


I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park there's nothing else to do.

Adler Bill


If you keep your mind sufficiently open, people will throw a lot of rubbish into it.

Adler Bill


But since I knew now that I could hope for nothing of greater value than frivolous pleasures, what point was there in denying myself of them?

Adolf Hitler


Pauca sed matura. [Few but excellent.]

Adolph Hitler


"Lemme show ya the odds, Sparky... In yer country, ya got 14 million black people, and 3 million white people. Now, does the name `Custer' mean anything to you?"

Adolph Hitler


A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake at the moment.

Advanced R. Bach


Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases.

Adventurer The


He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.

Aeschylus


Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson Bay, left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. Using a bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and great effort pushing boulders into a single

Aeschylus


Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind the tree."

Aeschylus


[The French Riviera is] a sunny place for shady people.

Aesop


I am a deeply superficial person.

Afer Terentius


Facts, apart from their relationships, are like labels on empty bottles.

Agnew Spiro


There are three infallible ways of pleasing an author, and the three form a rising scale of compliment: 1, to tell him you have read one of his books; 2, to tell him you have read all of his books; 3, to ask him to let you read the manuscript of his

Agnew Spiro


If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce.

Aiken Howard


With her body, woman is more sincere than man; but with her mind she lies. And when she lies, she does not believe herself.

Ajaye Franklyn


It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our offense consists in doubting it.

Ajaye Franklyn


When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life.

Ajaye Franklyn


I prefer rogues to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest.

Al Capone


I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, of pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial atomic globule. Consequently, my family p

Al Capone


Many a writer seems to think he is never profound except when he can't understand his own meaning.

Aldo Leopold


There is no delight the equal of dread. As long as it is somebody else's.

Alexand


Never trust an automatic pistol or a D.A.'s deal.

Alexand


People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people have been left out on the pleasure.

Alexander Thea


Life is a series of rude awakenings.

Alexander. N.


Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody.

Alexandre Arnoux


Acting is not very hard. The most important things are to be able to laugh and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. And if I have to laugh, well, I think of my sex life.

Alfieri


Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is liked getting kicked out of the Book-of-the-Month Club.

Ali Muhammad


"Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever

Alice Walker


If a shameless woman expects to be defiled and then dies of her fierce love because you do not consent, will chastity also be homicide?

Alighieri Dante


God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through.

Alinsky Saul


There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

Alinsky Saul


The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the number of participants.

Alinsky Saul


Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans; it's lovely to be silly at the right moment.

Alito Noelie


There is always one thing to remember: writers are always selling somebody out.

Allan Virginia


Let me take you a button-hole lower.

Allen Fred


My mind can never know my body, although it has become quite friendly with my legs.

Allen Fred


You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.

Allen Fred


Fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches.

Allen Fred


There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.

Allen Fred


I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the whole field to private industry.

Allen Henry


Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And when you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks into you.

Allen Hubert


There's no such thing as a free lunch.

Allen Woody


Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than being flat broke and having a stomach ache.

Allen Woody


The Crown is full of it!

Allen Woody


Virtue is not left to stand alone. He who practices it will have neighbors.

Allen Woody


I am a friend of the working man, and I would rather be his friend than be one.

Allen Woody


We should have a great many fewer disputes in the world if only words were taken for what they are, the signs of our ideas only, and not for things themselves.

Allen Woody


Remembering is for those who have forgotten.

Allen Woody


We give advice, but we cannot give the wisdom to profit by it.

Allen Woody


I'm going to Vietnam at the request of the White House. President Johnson says a war isn't really a war without my jokes.

Allen Woody


No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream. Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness within; it had stood so fo

Allen Woody


He's a son-of-a-bitch, but he's our son-of-a-bitch.

Allen Woody


There's such a thing as too much point on a pencil.

Allen Woody


Term, holidays, term, holidays, till we leave school, and then work, work, work till we die.

Allen Woody


Optimism is the content of small men in high places.

Allen Woody


The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.

Allen Smith


It's a recession when your neighbour loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours.

Allen Woody


Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very opposite applies with the judges.

Allen Woody


Most general statements are false, including this one.

Allen Woody


HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., motion that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate amendment making changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. The Senate amendment was an amendment to the

Alo Vincent


Charity begins at home.

Alphonse Karr


In any country there must be people who have to die. They are the sacrifices any nation has to make to achieve law and order.

Alsop Joseph


Well, he didn't know what to do, so he decided to look at the government, to see what they did, and scale it down and run his life that way.

Altgeld John


So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence.

Altman Robert


If the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dream and never be our destiny.

Ambrose St.


Modesty is a vastly overrated virtue.

Ambrose Bierce


Many of the characters are fools and they are always playing tricks on me and treating me badly.

Ambrose Bierce


What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space-launch-style "hold" for two to three hours, durin

Ambrose Bierce


It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be privileged to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to corrupt the youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles.

Ambrose Bierce


The man-hating woman, like the cold woman, is largely imaginary. She is simply a woman who has done her best to snare a man and has failed.

Ambrose Bierce


"Go on, girl! You'll never get a better chance to buy Jif at this price. *Carpe diem*, babe!"

Ambrose Bierce


The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.

Anacreon


The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization.

Anastasia Albert


Something better... 13 (sympathetic): Oh, What happened? Did your parents lose a bet with God? 14 (complimentary): You must love the little birdies to give them this to perch on. 15 (scientific): Say, does that thing there influence the tides?

Anderson Laurie


Democracy becomes a government of bullies, tempered by editors.

Anderson Laurie


One picture is worth more than ten thousand words.

Anderson Laurie


Life is like a 10 speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.

Andre Maurois


Watch your mouth, kid, or you'll find yourself floating home.

Anne Frank


So you think that money is the root of all evil. Have you ever asked what is the root of money?

Anouilh Jean


A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it.

Anouilh Jean


"The policeman isn't there to create disorder. The policeman is there to ________preserve disorder."

Anthony Piers


... but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women were convicted of witch

Anthony Susan B.


For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say "Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something.

Antoinette Marie


To accuse others for one's own misfortunes is a sign of want of education. To accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun. To accuse neither oneself nor others shows that one's education is complete.

Appleby Sir Humphrey


It is imperative when flying coach that you restrain any tendency toward the vividly imaginative. For although it may momentarily appear to be the case, it is not at all likely that the cabin is entirely inhabited by crying babies smoking inexpensiv

Arendt Hannah


We are governed not by armies and police but by ideas.

Aristophanes


I'm going to raise an issue and stick it in your ear.

Aristophanes


Man has made his bedlam; let him lie in it.

Aristophanes


The conservation movement is a breeding ground of Communists and other subversives. We intend to clean them out, even if it means rounding up every bird watcher in the country.

Aristotle


And tomorrow will be like today, only more so.

Aristotle


The very remembrance of my former misfortune proves a new one to me.

Aristotle


"All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands."

Aristotle


Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats.

Aristotle


"You and I as individuals can, by borrowing, live beyond our means, but only for a limited period of time. Why should we think that collectively, as a nation, we are not bound by that same limitation?"

Aristotle


A woman's a woman until the day she dies, but a man's only a man as long as he can.

Aristotle


I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

Aristotle


He jests at scars who never felt a wound.

Arlen Michael


I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

Armour Richard


We are upping our standards ... so up yours.

Armstrong Louis


The ideal voice for radio may be defined as showing no substance, no sex, no owner, and a message of importance for every housewife.

Arthur Naiman


One of my favorite jokes, a telling commentary on Jewish mothers' capacity to lay on guilt, involves the mother who gave her son two neckties on Chanuka. The boy hurried into his bedroom, ripped off the tie he was wearing, put on one of the ties his

Arthur Naiman


Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you awfully comfortable while you're being miserable.

Arthur Naiman


You can't start worrying about what's going to happen. You get spastic enough worrying about what's happening now.

Arthur Sullivan


Go to the Scriptures... the joyful promises it contains will be a balsam to all your troubles.

Ashley-Pitt Alan


No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings.

Ashley-Pitt Alan


Politicians speak for their parties, and parties never are, never have been, and never will be wrong.

Asimov Isaac


A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Asimov Isaac


A myth is a religion in which no-one any longer believes.

Aspin Les D.


The whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively.

Asterix Adventures of


Grub first, then ethics.

Attorney General William


We may not be able to persuade Hindus that Jesus and not Vishnu should govern their spiritual horizon, nor Moslems that Lord Buddha is at the center of their spiritual universe, nor Hebrews that Mohammed is a major prohpet, nor Christians that Shinto

Atwood Margaret


When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane."

Auden W.H.


Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

Augustine


All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you can deduct the cost of your house, beca

Augustine Norman


Generally speaking, the Way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death.

Augustine Norman


A sinking ship gathers no moss.

Augustine Norman


Somehow I reached excess without ever noticing when I was passing through satisfaction.

Augustine Norman


It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is?

Augustine Norman


The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.

Augustine Norman


Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away.

Augustine Norman


Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped.

Augustine Saint


New Jersey is not the armpit of the nation; it's the asshole of the universe.

Augustine St.


Youth is a blunder, manhood a struggle, old age a regret.

Augustine St.


I can't stand squealers; hit that guy.

Augustine St.


Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.

Augustine St.


Everyone is in the best seat.

Aurelius Marcus


A beginning is the time for taking the most delicate care that balances are correct.

Aurelius Sextus


I sometimes think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Aurobindo Sri


When you are in the middle of a story it isn't a story at all, but only a confusion; a dark roaring, a blindness, a wreckage of shattered glass and splintered wood, like a house in a whirlwind, or else a boat crushed by the icebergs or swept over the

Aurobindo Sri


If it doesn't smell yet, it's pretty fresh.

Austen J.


If they were so inclined, they could impeach him because they don't like his necktie.

Avery


The last vestiges of the old Republic have been swept away.

Ayres C.E.





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Something better... 13 (sympathetic): Oh, What happened? Did your parents lose a bet with God? 14 (complimentary): You must love the little birdies to give them this to perch on. 15 (scientific): Say, does that thing there influence the tides?
Martin Steve

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