No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.

Moneyliness is next to Godliness.

The world wants to be deceived.

Only those who leisurely approach that which the masses are busy about can be busy about that which the masses take leisurely.

Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep". Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference: "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling." Obvious, isn't

The only thing that stops God from sending a second Flood is that the first one was useless.

Objectivity is to a newspaper what virtue is to a woman.

Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night.

Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves.

I'm glad I was not born before tea.

Exxon's 'Universe of Energy' tends to the peculiar rather than the humorous ... After [an incomprehensible film montage about wind and sun and rain and strip mines and] two or three minutes of mechanical confusion, the seats locomote through a short

"It's kind of fun to do the impossible."

Many hands make light work.

The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.

Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it!

Those who do things in a noble spirit of self-sacrifice are to be avoided at all costs.

There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish.

General notions are generally wrong.

If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him. They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun of it.

Confucius say too much.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment.

Call on God, but row away from the rocks.

The only cultural advantage LA has over NY is that you can make a right turn on a red light.

The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine we own.

Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.

Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives.

Historians have now definitely established that Juan Cabrillo, discoverer of California, was not looking for Kansas, thus setting a precedent that continues to this day.

Divorce is a game played by lawyers.

Immature poets imitate, mature poets steal.

It's not a sin not to be Irish, but it is a great shame.

A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.

From the cradle to the coffin underwear comes first.

Well, we'll really have a party, but we've gotta post a guard outside.

It's not easy, being green.

The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.

Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.

Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game - it, and high taxes.

Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both yes and no.

Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill gives us modern art.

What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence.

For thee the wonder-working earth puts forth sweet flowers.

Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money.

No house should ever be on any hill or on anything. It should be of the hill, belonging to it.

Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget.

I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem.

Or you or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company.

Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy.

It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish.

If a guru falls in the forest with no one to hear him, was he really a guru at all?

By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death.

Nonsense and beauty have close connections.

'Naomi, sex at noon taxes.' I moan. Never odd or even. A man, a plan, a canal, Panama. Madam, I'm Adam. Sit on a potato pan, Otis. Sit on Otis.

Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.

When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane."

France is a country where the money falls apart and you can't tear the toilet paper.

Scratch the average female and you'll find a purring bundle... at the ready to love and honor, bake a torte and still produce quintuplets.

Let's remind ourselves that last year's fresh idea is today's cliche.

Of all men's miseries, the bitterest is this: to know so much and have control over nothing.

With all the talent around, it's sort of amazing that a woman could be up here with us.

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.

"We maintain that the very foundation of our way of life is what we call free enterprise," said Cash McCall, "but when one of our citizens show enough free enterprise to pile up a little of that profit, we do our best to make him feel that he ought t

There has been a little distress selling on the stock exchange.

For every bloke who makes his mark, there's half a dozen waiting to rub it out.

Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high, they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.

Consider well the proportions of things. It is better to be a young June-bug than an old bird of paradise.

And ever has it been known that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.

Writing is turning one's worst moments into money.

The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animals. Some of their most esteemed inventions have no other apparent purpose, for example, the dinner party of more than two, the epic poem, and the

Charity begins at home.

I have had my television aerials removed. It's the moral equivalent of a prostate operation.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

A priest asked: What is Fate, Master? And the Master answered: It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence. It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs. It is that which has caused nations to build bywa

This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.

Beggars should be no choosers.

"Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever

Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop writing.

Here's to women. Would that we could fall into her arms without falling into her hands.

True to our past we work with an inherited, observed, and accepted vision of personal futility, and of the beauty of the world.

Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait. [If youth but knew, if old age but could.]

It is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final.

There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.

Having nothing, nothing can he lose.

You get what you pay for.

Joe Cool always spends the first two weeks at college sailing his frisbee.

Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it.

Force has no place where there is need of skill.

So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence.

Events are not affected, they develop.

Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives.

Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at reasonable prices? Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's build a home center. And before long ho

I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.

Set the cart before the horse.

Ignorance is never out of style. It was in fashion yesterday, it is the rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow.

Delay not, Caesar. Read it instantly.

"MOKE DAT YIGARETTE"

She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.

Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.

Home is where the hurt is.

Five bicycles make a volkswagen, seven make a truck.

For years a secret shame destroyed my peace

It's always darkest just before the lights go out.

If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know.

"... all the modern inconveniences ..."

Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books.

Living in New York City gives people real incentives to want things that nobody else wants.

A game can by God repent or we'll punish it. That's how they did it in Salem in the seventeenth century, and that's how we'll do it now.

Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth gr

Woman is generally so bad that the difference between a good and a bad woman scarcely exists.

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?

He that composes himself is wiser than he that composes a book.

The average Ph.D thesis is nothing but the transference of bones from one graveyard to another.

Do not use that foreign word "ideals". We have that excellent native word "lies".

Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped.

The fashion wears out more apparel than the man.

There's such a thing as too much point on a pencil.

"Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence"

Well, he thought, since neither Aristotelian Logic nor the disciplines of Science seemed to offer much hope, it's time to go beyond them... Drawing a few deep even breaths, he entered a mental state practiced only by Masters of the Universal Way of

Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home tool sets for under $4?" An excellent question. Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where they

Time goes, you say? Ah no! Time stays, *we* go.

"You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks."

If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The "professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on t

There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Pope.

Acting is not very hard. The most important things are to be able to laugh and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. And if I have to laugh, well, I think of my sex life.

There's no such thing as an original sin.

In the first place, God made idiots; this was for practice; then he made school boards.

If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could work for with a great deal of enjoyment.

What kind of sordid business are you on now? I mean, man, whither goest thou? Whither goest thou, America, in thy shiny car in the night?

"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"

There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.

The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late and owns the worm farm.

You k'n hide de fier, but w'at you gwine do wid de smoke?

My dear People. My dear Bagginses and Boffins, and my dear Tooks and Brandybucks, and Grubbs, and Chubbs, and Burrowses, and Hornblowers, and Bolgers, Bracegirdles, Goodbodies, Brockhouses and Proudfoots. Also my good Sackville Bagginses that I w

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

The universe is made of stories, not of atoms.

Nothing will ever be attempted if all possible objections must be first overcome.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

The more laws and order are made prominent, the more thieves and robbers there will be.

I shot an arrow in to the air, and it stuck.

In breeding cattle you need one bull for every twenty-five cows, unless the cows are known sluts.

The best case: Get salary from America, build a house in England, live with a Japanese wife, and eat Chinese food. Pretty good case: Get salary from England, build a house in America, live with a Chinese wife, and eat Japanese food. The wo

Well begun is half done.

That's no moon...

In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment was expressed by Thomas K. Co

It is convenient that there be gods, and, as it is convenient, let us believe there are.

After the game the king and the pawn go in the same box.

A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time of trouble.

Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.

[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity: (1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a

She applies her lipstick in spite of its contents: "greasy rouge, containing crushed and dried insect corpses for coloring, beeswax for stiffness, and olive oil to help it flow - the latter having the unfortunate tendency to go rancid several hours a

Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt. [Confound those who have said our remarks before us.] or [May they perish who have expressed our bright ideas before us.]

Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, but remember, it didn't help the rabbit.

We're constantly being bombarded by insulting and humiliating music, which people are making for you the way they make those Wonder Bread products. Just as food can be bad for your system, music can be bad for your spirtual and emotional feelings. I

In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred thousand miles long ... se

Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, because the stakes are so low.

Someday, Weederman, we'll look back on all this and laugh... It will probably be one of those deep, eerie ones that slowly builds to a blood-curdling maniacal scream... but still it will be a laugh.

I used to be disgusted, now I find I'm just amused.

It is easy to find fault, if one has that disposition. There was once a man who, not being able to find any other fault with his coal, complained that there were too many prehistoric toads in it.

Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities, requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by tur

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

"Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *___can* you believe?!"

If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly.

Whatever is not nailed down is mine. Whatever I can pry up is not nailed down.

There is no ox so dumb as the orthodox.

Your chances of getting hit by lightning go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and say, "Storms suck!"

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.

She say, Miss Colie, You better hush. God might hear you. Let 'im hear me, I say. If he ever listened to poor colored women the world would be a different place, I can tell you.

It is not enough that I should succeed. Others must fail.

How apt the poor are to be proud.

She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot.

The road to ruin is always in good repair, and the travellers pay the expense of it.

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.

No two persons ever read the same book.

If God is One, what is bad?

If I had done everything I'm credited with, I'd be speaking to you from a laboratory jar at Harvard.

Men's skin is different from women's skin. It is usually bigger, and it has more snakes tattooed on it. Also, if you examine a woman's skin very closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently tracing the slender curve of her cal

You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred.

The only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane.

We have reason to be afraid. This is a terrible place.

I just got off the phone with Sonny Barger [President of the Hell's Angels]. He wants me to appear as a character witness for him at his murder trial and said he'd be glad to appear as a character witness on my behalf if I ever needed one. Needless

Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.

You may my glories and my state dispose, But not my griefs; still am I king of those.

Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business. Cheat.

There seems no plan because it is all plan.

The Poems, all three hundred of them, may be summed up in one of their phrases: "Let our thoughts be correct".

They can't stop us... we're on a mission from God!

When I reflect upon the number of disagreeable people who I know who have gone to a better world, I am moved to lead a different life.

Trifles make perfection, and perfection is no trifle.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

No group of professionals meets except to conspire against the public at large.

I'll turn over a new leaf.

There's no such thing as a free lunch.

It is a wise father that knows his own child.

A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)

A witty saying proves nothing.

None love the bearer of bad news.

Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?

Without adventure, civilization is in full decay.

Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.

Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion.

If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all.

America, I'm putting my queer shoulder to the wheel.

The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning, and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished.

A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the damned things is ample.

Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere. Climb the mountain just a little to test it's a mountain. From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain.

The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it.

It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.

Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of government, therefore,

Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and resisting the current what each had

IV. The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. Such an object is inevitably price

We know all about the habits of the ant, we know all about the habits of the bee, but we know nothing at all about the habits of the oyster. It seems almost certain that we have been choosing the wrong time for studying the oyster.

The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes.

Women of genius commonly have masculine faces, figures and manners. In transplanting brains to an alien soil God leaves a little of the original earth clinging to the roots.

"Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich."

We are governed not by armies and police but by ideas.

XI: If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would get twice as much done. If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty times as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all the managers would fly off. XII: I

It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion.

The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.

If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.

Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and everything else follows in the same way.

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.

We may not be able to persuade Hindus that Jesus and not Vishnu should govern their spiritual horizon, nor Moslems that Lord Buddha is at the center of their spiritual universe, nor Hebrews that Mohammed is a major prohpet, nor Christians that Shinto

An actor's a guy who if you ain't talkin' about him, ain't listening.

Sensible and responsible women do not want to vote.

I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men

Nothing succeeds like excess.

If one inquires why the American tradition is so strong against any connection of State and Church, why it dreads even the rudiments of religious teaching in state-maintained schools, the immediate and superficial answer is not far to seek. ... The

Think lucky. If you fall in a pond, check your pockets for fish.

The goys have proven the following theorem...

The Least Successful Equal Pay Advertisement In 1976 the European Economic Community pointed out to the Irish Government that it had not yet implemented the agreed sex equality legislation. The Dublin Government immediately advertised for an equal

"No job too big; no fee too big!"

For a light heart lives long.

I love treason but hate a traitor.

"Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school.

There is a secret person undamaged within every individual.

It is bad luck to be superstitious.

Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.

Americans' greatest fear is that America will turn out to have been a phenomenon, not a civilization.

I consider a new device or technology to have been culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder.

If there really was a Jewish conspiracy to run the world, my rabbi would have let me in on it by now. I contribute enough to the shule.

Prisons are built with stones of Law, brothels with bricks of Religion.

If you sell diamonds, you cannot expect to have many customers. But a diamond is a diamond even if there are no customers.

Rotten wood cannot be carved.

Education is what survives when what has been learnt has been forgotten.

"Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it."

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic table.

The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist "Jack."

The only "ism" Hollywood believes in is plagiarism.

Luck, that's when preparation and opportunity meet.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.

"Do you think there's a God?" "Well, ____SOMEbody's out to get me!"

Many a writer seems to think he is never profound except when he can't understand his own meaning.

Life is one long struggle in the dark.

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.

All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard, ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas.

The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to everybody and still nobody likes him.

From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back. That is the point that must be reached.

Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity. They seem more afraid of life than death.

Small is beautiful.

All phone calls are obscene.

Drop the vase and it will become a Ming of the past.

Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher. The butcher is weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and weeks. He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists, but he sings about his gin

All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies.

Words have a longer life than deeds.

The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me.

The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped marker.

If I love you, what business is it of yours?

The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt.

What I tell you three times is true.

Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.

If little else, the brain is an educational toy.

In the highest society, as well as in the lowest, woman is merely an instrument of pleasure.

Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground

I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual becoming, with a goal in front and not behin

"You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten."

You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove.

"There is no Father Christmas. It's just a marketing ploy to make low income parents' lives a misery." "... I want you to picture the trusting face of a child, streaked with tears because of what you just said." "I want you to picture the face of

In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.

The philosopher's treatment of a question is like the treatment of an illness.

Something's rotten in the state of Denmark.

Ninety percent of everything is crap.

He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.

When the speaker and he to whom he is speaks do not understand, that is metaphysics.

Have you ever stopped to think what it would be like to have a woman President? "I can't deal with the Russians today. Not now. I've got my period."

... but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women were convicted of witch

America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room. Every time it wags its tail, it knocks over a chair.

A is for Apple.

If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we would all be millionaires.

Never appeal to a man's "better nature." He may not have one. Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.

Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very opposite applies with the judges.

Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life.

You cannot see the wood for the trees.

Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near the earth's surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people to do so.

I think... I think it's in my basement... Let me go upstairs and check.

There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself.

There is no character, howsoever good and fine, but it can be destroyed by ridicule, howsoever poor and witless. Observe the ass, for instance: his character is about perfect, he is the choicest spirit among all the humbler animals, yet see what rid

Language is a virus from another planet.

Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental Anguish. You would sue: * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions

The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars."

About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.

No poet or novelist wishes he was the only one who ever lived, but most of them wish they were the only one alive, and quite a number fondly believe their wish has been granted.

It's hard to drive at the limit, but it's harder to know where the limits are.

An honest tale speeds best being plainly told.

Grig (the navigator): ... so you see, it's just the two of us against the entire space armada. Alex (the gunner): What?!? Grig: I've always wanted to fight a desperate battle against overwhelming odds. Alex: It'll be a slaughter! Grig: That'

I paid a visit to my local precinct in Greenwich Village and asked a sergeant to show me some rape statistics. He politely obliged. That month there had been thirty-five rape complaints, an advance of ten over the same month for the previous year.

Love may laugh at locksmiths, but he has a profound respect for money bags.

Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to examine the laws of heat.

It has been said [by Anatole France], "it is not by amusing oneself that one learns," and, in reply: "it is *____only* by amusing oneself that one can learn."

Haste makes waste.