When you die, you lose a very important part of your life.

Don't go to bed with no price on your head.

Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.

Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods.

Getting into trouble is easy.

Suffering alone exists, none who suffer; The deed there is, but no doer thereof; Nirvana is, but no one is seeking it; The Path there is, but none who travel it.

In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence ... in time every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is incompetent to carry out its duties ... Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their

All kings is mostly rapscallions.

People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they don't want it.

The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself.

The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money completely surrounded by people who want some.

Man is by nature a political animal.

The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie.

Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a surprising amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one hand considered the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other hand were unwilling to risk offending God's g

Don't take a nickel, just hand them your business card.

I understand why you're confused. You're thinking too much.

The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it.

A myth is a religion in which no-one any longer believes.

The divinity of Jesus is made a convenient cover for absurdity. Nowhere in the Gospels do we find a precept for Creeds, Confessions, Oaths, Doctrines, and whole carloads of other foolish trumpery that we find in Christianity.

If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, it might well prolong his life.

When I came back to Dublin I was courtmartialed in my absence and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.

The distinction between Freedom and Liberty is not accurately known; naturalists have been unable to find a living specimen of either.

Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.

Once I belonged to a group that really had THE WORD. I fought like hell for them. But another group came along and exposed the word of my group as shallow and degenerate. They had a better word. So I quit the first group and lost all the friends

Never tell people how to do things. Tell them WHAT to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.

[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity: (1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a

If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell.

This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly, because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has "deregulated" the airline industry. What t

Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read.

"... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often picturesque liar."

I will make you shorter by the head.

The only certainty is that nothing is certain.

You always introduce the younger person to the older person, using the wording: "Miss Brown, I'd like to introduce you to an older person" (unless her name is not "Miss Brown"). If you do not know a person's age, ask for a driver's license and a ma

Why, every one as they like; as the good woman said when she kissed her cow.

I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men

Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these.

THE MX IS GOOD FOR THE ECONOMY. One important reason we have a Defense Department is that when we give it money, it spends it, which creates jobs, whereas if we left the money in the hands of civilians, we don't know what they'd do with it. Probabl

In spite of everything, I still believe that people are good at heart.

"When are you BUTTHEADS gonna learn that you can't oppose Gestapo tactics *with* Gestapo tactics?"

My own life has been spent chronicling the rise and fall of human systems, and I am convinced that we are terribly vulnerable. ... We should be reluctant to turn back upon the frontier of this epoch. Space is indifferent to what we do; it has no fe

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Great acts are made up of small deeds.

For if there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life.

In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment was expressed by Thomas K. Co

"If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination."

"Quite frankly, I don't like you humans. After what you all have done, I find being 'inhuman' a compliment."

If people say that here and there someone has been taken away and maltreated, I can only reply: You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs.

A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.

Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.

In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!"

Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home tool sets for under $4?" An excellent question. Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where they

WE'RE GOING TO THROW THE MX AWAY AFTER WE BUILD IT. The MX is really [Don't tell anybody!] just a "bargaining chip" in the nuclear-arms- reduction talks with the Russians. See, we have a problem with the Russians. They look at our leaders and they

Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice... moderation in the pursuit of justice is no virtue.

Well, he thought, since neither Aristotelian Logic nor the disciplines of Science seemed to offer much hope, it's time to go beyond them... Drawing a few deep even breaths, he entered a mental state practiced only by Masters of the Universal Way of

Tact in audacity is knowing how far you can go without going too far.

Rotten wood cannot be carved.

Anything anybody can say about America is true.

Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.

A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.

Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that politics is almost always the choice of the lesser evil. "Tweedledum and Tweedledee," they say. "I will not vote." Having abstained, they are presented with a President who appoints t

There are no answers, only cross-references.

The average Ph.D thesis is nothing but the transference of bones from one graveyard to another.

I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches.

I'm not sure I've even got the brains to be President.

Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very opposite applies with the judges.

The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence that it is not utterly absurd; indeed, in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind, a widespread belief is more often likely to be foolish than sensible.

A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it.

You know very well that whether you are on page one or page thirty depends on whether [the press] fear you. It is just as simple as that.

Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.

Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill gives us modern art.

The first rule of all intelligent tinkering is to keep all the parts.

This sad little lizard told me that he was a brontosaurus on his mother's side. I did not laugh; people who boast of ancestry often have little else to sustain them. Humoring them costs nothing and adds happiness in a world in which happiness is al

During almost fifteen centuries the legal establishment of Christianity has been upon trial. What has been its fruits? More or less, in all places, pride and indolence in the clergy; ignorance and servility in the laity,; in both, superstition, bigo

"We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!"

You've always made the mistake of being yourself.

A new taste had been acquired and a new appetite began to grow. The time had long since arrived to crush the technical intelligentsia, which had come to regard itself as too irreplaceable and had not gotten used to catching instructions on the wing.

I knew her before she was a virgin.

The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, "How's the President?"

Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia because they were liars. The truth was that Plato knew philosophers couldn't compete successfully with poets.

When I first arrived in this country I had only fifteen cents in my pocket and a willingness to compromise.

There is more to life than increasing its speed.

Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at reasonable prices? Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's build a home center. And before long ho

Satire is tragedy plus time.

For fools rush in where angels fear to tread.

Therefore it is necessary to learn how not to be good, and to use this knowledge and not use it, according to the necessity of the cause.

There is no ox so dumb as the orthodox.

Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all.

As long as there are entrenched social and political distinctions between sexes, races or classes, there will be forms of science whose main function is to rationalize and legitimize these distinctions.

"Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work"

If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, it might well prolong his life.

The chief cause of problems is solutions.

No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream. Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness within; it had stood so fo

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.

Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than being flat broke and having a stomach ache.

If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.

Life is too short to be taken seriously.

Look, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters, con-men. That's the way businesses get started. That's the way this country was built.

In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy.

I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs.

The full potentialities of human fury cannot be reached until a friend of both parties tactfully interferes.

I never cheated an honest man, only rascals. They wanted something for nothing. I gave them nothing for something.

Why be a man when you can be a success?

Man must shape his tools lest they shape him.

If you know the answer to a question, don't ask.

I try not to break the rules but merely to test their elasticity.

We are what we pretend to be.

I try to keep an open mind, but not so open that my brains fall out.

Never take a resume seriously. Resumes only make money for the people who write the resumes. No resume ever tells an employer how many times a job applicant has had the clap. Why, indeed, would anyone hire a person based on a resume written by a

I'll burn my books.

She say, Miss Colie, You better hush. God might hear you. Let 'im hear me, I say. If he ever listened to poor colored women the world would be a different place, I can tell you.

Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than we deserve.

Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think about sex at all... they become lawyers.

Men of lofty genius when they are doing the least work are most active.

A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!" "However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."

Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.

Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence.

There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish.

Certainly the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win.

It is so stupid of modern civilisation to have given up believing in the devil when he is the only explanation of it.

Objectivity is to a newspaper what virtue is to a woman.

You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for success. You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing

Richard Nixon was the most dishonest individual I have ever met in my life. He lied to his wife, his family, his friends, his colleagues in the Congress, lifetime members of his own political party, the American people, and the world.

Well begun is half done.

I just need enough to tide me over until I need more.

An efficient and a successful administration manifests itself equally in small as in great matters.

Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle.

Arrakis teaches the attitude of the knife - chopping off what's incomplete and saying: "Now it's complete because it's ended here."

The man who runs may fight again.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Never trust an automatic pistol or a D.A.'s deal.

As Gen. de Gaulle occassionally acknowledges America to be the daughter of Europe, so I am pleased to come to Yale, the daughter of Harvard.

Serfs up!

If one inquires why the American tradition is so strong against any connection of State and Church, why it dreads even the rudiments of religious teaching in state-maintained schools, the immediate and superficial answer is not far to seek. ... The

Nothing succeeds like excess.

I owe the public nothing.

Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high, they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.

If you have seen one city slum you have seen them all.

The bay-trees in our country are all wither'd And meteors fright the fixed stars of heaven; The pale-faced moon looks bloody on the earth And lean-look'd prophets whisper fearful change. These signs forerun the death or fall of kings.

Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder aloud what the country could do under first-class management.

Why, when no honest man will deny in private that every ultimate problem is wrapped in the profoundest mystery, do honest men proclaim in pulpits that unhesitating certainty is the duty of the most foolish and ignorant? Is it not a spectacle to make

If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The "professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on t

The fact that it works is immaterial.

There's nothing in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead armadillos.

Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.

Education is what survives when what has been learnt has been forgotten.

Faith is under the left nipple.

Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest amount of hot air.

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.

Sometimes when you look into his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.

A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.

You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for independence.

Unless hours were cups of sack, and minutes capons, and clocks the tongues of bawds, and dials the signs of leaping houses, and the blessed sun himself a fair, hot wench in flame-colored taffeta, I see no reason why thou shouldst be so superfluous to

There is a certain frame of mind to which a cemetery is, if not an antidote, at least an alleviation. If you are in a fit of the blues, go nowhere else.

To defend the Saigon regime is not worth one more human life.

When you are in the middle of a story it isn't a story at all, but only a confusion; a dark roaring, a blindness, a wreckage of shattered glass and splintered wood, like a house in a whirlwind, or else a boat crushed by the icebergs or swept over the

I heard a definition of an intellectual, that I thought was very interesting: a man who takes more words than are necessary to tell more than he knows.

If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.

I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it once was ... an arctic wilderness.

Go away, I'm all right.

He is now rising from affluence to poverty.

No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings.

America is a stronger nation for the ACLU's uncompromising effort.

You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day.

Mental power tended to corrupt, and absolute intelligence tended to corrupt absolutely, until the victim eschewed violence entirely in favor of smart solutions to stupid problems.

I think... I think it's in my basement... Let me go upstairs and check.

The worst cliques are those which consist of one man.

By the middle 1880's, practically all the roads except those in the South, were of the present standard gauge. The southern roads were still five feet between rails. It was decided to change the gauge of all southern roads to standard, in one day

There is an innocence in admiration; it is found in those to whom it has not yet occurred that they, too, might be admired some day.

"You mean, if you allow the master to be uncivil, to treat you any old way he likes, and to insult your dignity, then he may deem you fit to hear his view of things?" "Quite the contrary. You must defend your integrity, assuming you have integrit

"Go on, girl! You'll never get a better chance to buy Jif at this price. *Carpe diem*, babe!"

The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.

I went into the business for the money, and the art grew out of it. If people are disillusioned by that remark, I can't help it. It's the truth.

"... all the modern inconveniences ..."

It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do.

What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence.

No house should ever be on any hill or on anything. It should be of the hill, belonging to it.

[Maturity consists in the discovery that] there comes a critical moment where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand more and more that there is something which cannot be understood.

... Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are. On one side, you have George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of fraternity hazing wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating stunts to win the approval of the Republican Righ

An elderly man stands in line for hours at a Warsaw meat store (meat is severely rationed). When the butcher comes out at the end of the day and announces that there is no meat left, the man flies into a rage. "What is this?" he shouts. "I fought

Every country has the government it deserves.

In Hollywood, all marriages are happy. It's trying to live together afterwards that causes the problems.

You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form. The short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified", which means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears tax-preparation expert to distinguish betwe

"That boy's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver"

When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all.

It's not easy, being green.

Just close your eyes, tap your heels together three times, and think to yourself, `There's no place like home.'

Would that my hand were as swift as my tongue.

The superfluous is very necessary.

Political history is far too criminal a subject to be a fit thing to teach children.

Of all men's miseries, the bitterest is this: to know so much and have control over nothing.

My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind.

It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either.

Liberty don't work as good in practice as it does in speeches.

XLI: The more one produces, the less one gets. XLII: Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite testing. XLIII: Hardware works best when it matters the least. XLIV: Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a we

The coast was clear.

"It's kind of fun to do the impossible."

The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and fellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are drifting side by side to our common doom.

When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see the sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten.

The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose.

The English instinctively admire any man who has no talent and is modest about it.

An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see a great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures. I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment. I have given up everything I was aske

Many hands make light work.

He who knows others is wise. He who knows himself is enlightened.

The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr.

The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.

Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.

You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do.

Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it.

What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.

I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.

Divorce is a game played by lawyers.

What you see is from outside yourself, and may come, or not, but is beyond your control. But your fear is yours, and yours alone, like your voice, or your fingers, or your memory, and therefore yours to control. If you feel powerless over your fear

A people living under the perpetual menace of war and invasion is very easy to govern. It demands no social reforms. It does not haggle over expenditures on armaments and military equipment. It pays without discussion, it ruins itself, and that is

From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back. That is the point that must be reached.

REPORTER: Senator, are you for or against the MX missile system? SENATOR: Bob, the MX missile system reminds me of an old saying that the country folk in my state like to say. It goes like this: "You can carry a pig for six miles, but if you set i

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being but to remind him that he is already degraded.

Living in New York City gives people real incentives to want things that nobody else wants.

Unknown person(s) stole the American flag from its pole in Etra Park sometime between 3pm Jan 17 and 11:30 am Jan 20. The flag is described as red, white and blue, having 50 stars and was valued at $40.

An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese?

I would not like to be a political leader in Russia. They never know when they're being taped.

The heroic hours of life do not announce their presence by drum and trumpet, challenging us to be true to ourselves by appeals to the martial spirit that keeps the blood at heat. Some little, unassuming, unobtrusive choice presents itself before us

Only those who leisurely approach that which the masses are busy about can be busy about that which the masses take leisurely.

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.

Nonsense and beauty have close connections.

When you say that you agree to a thing in principle, you mean that you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice.

I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope they do get 'em lowered down enough so people can afford to pay 'em.

I remember once being on a station platform in Cleveland at four in the morning. A black porter was carrying my bags, and as we were waiting for the train to come in, he said to me: "Excuse me, Mr. Cooke, I don't want to invade your privacy, but I h

It is ridiculous to call this an industry. This is not. This is rat eat rat, dog eat dog. I'll kill 'em, and I'm going to kill 'em before they kill me. You're talking about the American way of survival of the fittest.

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not have possibly met.

Already the spirit of our schooling is permeated with the feeling that every subject, every topic, every fact, every professed truth must be submitted to a certain publicity and impartiality. All proffered samples of learning must go to the same ass

Eighteen goddess-like daughters are not equal to one son with a hump.

A prediction is worth twenty explanations.

A witty saying proves nothing.

Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much better.

"Yes, that was Richard Nixon. He used to be President. When he left the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware."

An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad to lie and intrigue for the benefit of his country.

Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade themselves that they have a better idea.

A public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be too heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which was intended for her preservation.

Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a muddle of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can make of capitalism.

I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said, "What'll you have, Bud"? I said," I don't know, surprise me". So he showed me a nude picture of my wife.

Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business. Cheat.

Lay on, MacDuff, and curs'd be him who first cries, "Hold, enough!".

Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.

I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to sacrifice my wife's brother.

The Priest's grey nimbus in a niche where he dressed discreetly. I will not sleep here tonight. Home also I cannot go. A voice, sweetened and sustained, called to him from the sea. Turning the curve he waved his hand. A sleek brown head, a seal's,

Where there is much light there is also much shadow.

Fear is the greatest salesman.

If you catch a man, throw him back.

If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism.

Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson Bay, left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. Using a bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and great effort pushing boulders into a single

As long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great industries are secure. We hear about constitutional rights, free speech and the free press. Every time I hear these words I say to myself, "That man is a Red, that man is a Comm

Just because you like my stuff doesn't mean I owe you anything.

"Is it just me, or does anyone else read `bible humpers' every time someone writes `bible thumpers?'

It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely the most important.

October 12, the Discovery. It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.

It took a while to surface, but it appears that a long-distance credit card may have saved a U.S. Army unit from heavy casualties during the Grenada military rescue/invasion. Major General David Nichols, Air Force ... said the Army unit was in a hous

If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know.

"You boys lookin' for trouble?" "Sure. Whaddya got?"

She ran the gamut of emotions from 'A' to 'B'.

It is not the critic who counts, or how the strong man stumbled, or whether the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives vali

The surest protection against temptation is cowardice.

Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere. Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group. Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA. The remainder is thrown out. Republicans usu

What does it take for Americans to do great things; to go to the moon, to win wars, to dig canals linking oceans, to build railroads across a continent? In independent thought about this question, Neil Armstrong and I concluded that it takes a coinci

"They make a desert and call it peace."

Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.

You can't play your friends like marks, kid.

A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything.

"I understand this is your first dead client," Sabian was saying. The absurdity of the statement made me want to laugh but they don't call me Deadpan Allie and lie.

Optimism is the content of small men in high places.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.

Women of genius commonly have masculine faces, figures and manners. In transplanting brains to an alien soil God leaves a little of the original earth clinging to the roots.

Goose pimples rose all over me, my hair stood on end, my eyes filled with tears of love and gratitude for this greatest of all conquerers of human misery and shame, and my breath came in little gasps. If I had not known that the Leader would have sc

Thank God I've always avoided persecuting my enemies.

If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly.

If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.

Nobody shot me.

While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are safe, for you can watch both of his.

I would like to electrocute everyone who uses the word 'fair' in connection with income tax policies.

Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum, sodomy and the lash.

If Karl, instead of writing a lot about Capital, had made a lot of Capital, it would have been much better.

You can't underestimate the power of fear.

Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent.

But, for my own part, it was Greek to me.

Alea iacta est. [The die is cast]

A Polish worker walks into a bank to deposit his paycheck. He has heard about Poland's economic problems, and he asks what would happen to his money if the bank collapsed. "All of our deposits are guaranteed by the finance ministry, sir," the telle

My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it.

Dianetics is a milestone for man comparable to his discovery of fire and superior to his invention of the wheel and the arch.

The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.

I: The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin with a silk sow. The same is true of money. II: If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it would probably be twice as good as yesterday was. III: There are

The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes.

There's no such thing as a free lunch.

were found to be wearing neckwear that was tighter than their neck circumference. The visual discrimination of the 22 subjects was evaluated using a critical flicker frequency (CFF) test. Results of the CFF test indicated that tight neckwear signifi

The ripest fruit falls first.

If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.

One thing I have no worry about is whether God exists. But it has occurred to me that God has Alzheimer's and has forgotten we exist.

A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you.

Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you awfully comfortable while you're being miserable.

Politicians speak for their parties, and parties never are, never have been, and never will be wrong.

If it takes a bloodbath, lets get it over with. No more appeasement.

The reasons that each of these countries has had to renege on its financial committments were all somewhat different: Argentina because of a war, Poland because of its vast misguided overinvestment in heavy industry, Honduras because the coffee price

Don't get mad, get even.

To add insult to injury.

But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in 1877, was the phonograph, which could soo

It was the Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline. Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top.

Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have taken him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an excess of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature.

Look ere ye leap.

The trouble with opportunity is that it always comes disguised as hard work.