Patience is the best remedy for every trouble.

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?

There are many of us in this old world of ours who hold that things break about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get about the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summer and the poor get it in the winter.

When you are at Rome live in the Roman style; when you are elsewhere live as they live elsewhere.

I'd just as soon kiss a Wookie.

Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than being flat broke and having a stomach ache.

An actor's a guy who if you ain't talkin' about him, ain't listening.

Well, the handwriting is on the floor.

You cannot see the wood for the trees.

Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books.

Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

For courage mounteth with occasion.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images.

In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they have obtained from books of travel.

He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man.

You're all clear now, kid. Now blow this thing so we can all go home.

Have the courage to take your own thoughts seriously, for they will shape you.

The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarian tribe now stacking wood at her nubile feet, when the strong clear voice of the poetic and heroic Handsomas roared, 'Flick your Bic, cr

It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either.

I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two highly trained certified public accountants.

AWAKE! FEAR! FIRE! FOES! AWAKE! FEAR! FIRE! FOES! AWAKE! AWAKE!

If a guru falls in the forest with no one to hear him, was he really a guru at all?

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.

Look, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters, con-men. That's the way businesses get started. That's the way this country was built.

I have had my television aerials removed. It's the moral equivalent of a prostate operation.

Necessity hath no law.

The only happiness lies in reason; all the rest of the world is dismal. The highest reason, however, I see in the work of the artist, and he may experience it as such. Happiness lies in the swiftness of feeling and thinking: all the rest of the worl

Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.

Eighteen goddess-like daughters are not equal to one son with a hump.

Life would be tolerable but for its amusements.

If a shameless woman expects to be defiled and then dies of her fierce love because you do not consent, will chastity also be homicide?

Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original and the part that is original is not good.

Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women it is merely a good excuse not to play football.

Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped.

The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and pleasant, the second half still balmy and quite pleasant for those who hadn't heard the scream at all, but not c

XXVI: If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed on each other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to chance. XXVII: Rank does not intimidate hardware. Neither does the lack of rank. XXVIII: It is better to be the r

The tree in which the sap is stagnant remains fruitless.

For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels, each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall was a gate.

Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business. Cheat.

Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all.

Rascal, am I? Take THAT!

The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the number of participants.

Yet creeds mean very little, Coth answered the dark god, still speaking almost gently. The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.

I reverently believe that the maker who made us all makes everything in New England, but the weather. I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in New England, fo

Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.

Delay not, Caesar. Read it instantly.

Consider well the proportions of things. It is better to be a young June-bug than an old bird of paradise.

The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist knows it.

Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.

The world is your exercise-book, the pages on which you do your sums. It is not reality, although you can express reality there if you wish. You are also free to write nonsense, or lies, or to tear the pages.

A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.

You climb to reach the summit, but once there, discover that all roads lead down.

It's not a sin not to be Irish, but it is a great shame.

What we do not understand we do not possess.

Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.

Reality is just a convenient measure of complexity.

The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.

When the sun shineth, make hay.

One good turn deserves another.

Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.

Best Mistakes In Films In his "Filmgoer's Companion", Mr. Leslie Halliwell helpfully lists four of the cinema's greatest moments which you should get to see if at all possible. In "Carmen Jones", the camera tracks with Dorothy Dandridge down a st

Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.

San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.

Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled.

There is always something new out of Africa.

The old complaint that mass culture is designed for eleven-year-olds is of course a shameful canard. The key age has traditionally been more like fourteen.

She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.

So you think that money is the root of all evil. Have you ever asked what is the root of money?

We Americans, we're a simple people... but piss us off, and we'll bomb your cities.

The root of all superstition is that men observe when a thing hits, but not when it misses.

Monterey... is decidedly the pleasantest and most civilized-looking place in California ... [it] is also a great place for cock-fighting, gambling of all sorts, fandangos, and various kinds of amusements and knavery.

A beginning is the time for taking the most delicate care that balances are correct.

Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.

I have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per cent an idiot.

Events are not affected, they develop.

He jests at scars who never felt a wound.

"Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich."

It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure.

Imagine what we can imagine!

When the ax entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us!"

The term "fire" brings up visions of violence and mayhem and the ugly scene of shooting employees who make mistakes. We will now refer to this process as "deleting" an employee (much as a file is deleted from a disk). The employee is simply there o

A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the damned things is ample.

If a fool persists in his folly he shall become wise.

The sky is blue so we know where to stop mowing.

Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life.

I am just a nice, clean-cut Mongolian boy.

Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time. So long as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental hooks into, there is room for lateral movement. Once this begins, its rate is a matter of discretion.

I hate quotations.

It is a wise father that knows his own child.

It is better to have loved and lost

There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish.

I just asked myself... what would John DeLorean do?

The coast was clear.

The price of success in philosophy is triviality.

Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home tool sets for under $4?" An excellent question. Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where they

A sinking ship gathers no moss.

Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.

Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to examine the laws of heat.

If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.

Darth Vader! Only you would be so bold!

Five bicycles make a volkswagen, seven make a truck.

Why are you doing this to me? Because knowledge is torture, and there must be awareness before there is change.

There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit at a typewriter and open a vein.

He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue.

"We maintain that the very foundation of our way of life is what we call free enterprise," said Cash McCall, "but when one of our citizens show enough free enterprise to pile up a little of that profit, we do our best to make him feel that he ought t

Take what you can use and let the rest go by.

I'd be a poorer man if I'd never seen an eagle fly.

VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot. This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to

He who writes with no misspelled words has prevented a first suspicion on the limits of his scholarship or, in the social world, of his general education and culture.

Whom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods.

The state of innocence contains the germs of all future sin.

Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they had towels from my house.

Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations Various signs in Poland: Right turn toward immediate outside. Go soothingly in the snow, as there lurk the ski demons. Five o'clock tea at all hours. In a men's washroom in Sidney:

To know Edina is to reject it.

Exxon's 'Universe of Energy' tends to the peculiar rather than the humorous ... After [an incomprehensible film montage about wind and sun and rain and strip mines and] two or three minutes of mechanical confusion, the seats locomote through a short

Generally speaking, the Way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.

And ever has it been known that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.

Housework can kill you if done right.

Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.

A prediction is worth twenty explanations.

To be or not to be.

"What's this? Trix? Aunt! Trix? You? You're after the prize! What is it?" He picked up the box and studied the back. "A glow-in-the-dark squid! Have you got it out of there yet?" He tilted the box, angling the little colored balls of cereal

The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine we own.

No house should ever be on any hill or on anything. It should be of the hill, belonging to it.

You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day.

Work Hard. Rock Hard. Eat Hard. Sleep Hard. Grow Big. Wear Glasses If You Need 'Em.

Remember that there is an outside world to see and enjoy.

The man who has never been flogged has never been taught.

Luke, I'm yer father, eh. Come over to the dark side, you hoser.

The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Better tried by twelve than carried by six.

A snake lurks in the grass.

Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch" may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used whe

Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and long were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his pain and his aloneness without regret?

The only alliance I would make with the Women's Liberation Movement is in bed.

The white race is the cancer of history.

Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith.

Every young man should have a hobby: learning how to handle money is the best one.

All phone calls are obscene.

No group of professionals meets except to conspire against the public at large.

The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to everybody and still nobody likes him.

There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

... but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women were convicted of witch

Indeed, the first noble truth of Buddhism, usually translated as `all life is suffering,' is more accurately rendered `life is filled with a sense of pervasive unsatisfactoriness.'

He who despairs over an event is a coward, but he who holds hopes for the human condition is a fool.

The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

What a bonanza! An unknown beginner to be directed by Lubitsch, in a script by Wilder and Brackett, and to play with Paramount's two superstars, Gary Cooper and Claudette Colbert, and to be beaten up by both of them!

Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.

Not all who own a harp are harpers.

When the English language gets in my way, I walk over it.

The faster we go, the rounder we get.

Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations. He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan, then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open market. If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarri

Odets, where is thy sting?

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

Fourteen years in the professor dodge has taught me that one can argue ingeniously on behalf of any theory, applied to any piece of literature. This is rarely harmful, because normally no-one reads such essays.

I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game - it, and high taxes.

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.

Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.

If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life.

All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard, ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas.

We'll be recording at the Paradise Friday night. Live, on the Death label.

Dustin Farnum: Why, yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats! Oliver Herford: Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of it!

"What was the worst thing you've ever done?" "I won't tell you that, but I'll tell you the worst thing that ever happened to me... the most dreadful thing."

[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity: (1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a

America is a melting pot. You know, where those on the bottom get burned, and the scum rises to the top.

If any man wishes to be humbled and mortified, let him become president of Harvard.

The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves.

The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animals. Some of their most esteemed inventions have no other apparent purpose, for example, the dinner party of more than two, the epic poem, and the

If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell.

My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.

Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.

New Jersey is not the armpit of the nation; it's the asshole of the universe.

For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.

It seems to me that nearly every woman I know wants a man who knows how to love with authority. Women are simple souls who like simple things, and one of the simplest is one of the simplest to give. ... Our family airedale will come clear across t

It is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final.

Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest r

Nonsense and beauty have close connections.

I dote on his very absence.

Time as he grows old teaches all things.

Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little more time for dreaming.

The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate knowledge of its ugly side.

It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too.

Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it.

It were not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion that makes horse-races.

An aphorism is never exactly true; it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths.

All I know is what the words know, and dead things, and that makes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a middle and an end, as in the well-built phrase and the long sonata of the dead.

The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used.

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

America, how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood?

What an artist dies with me!

Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.

How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?

Do not despair of life. You have no doubt force enough to overcome your obstacles. Think of the fox prowling through wood and field in a winter night for something to satisfy his hunger. Notwithstanding cold and hounds and traps, his race survives

Art is anything you can get away with.

The means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers, always end up on their ends without any means.

It looks like it's up to me to save our skins. Get into that garbage chute, flyboy!

Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.

Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.

Trifles make perfection, and perfection is no trifle.

I have ways of making money that you know nothing of.

A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator.

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.

The Poems, all three hundred of them, may be summed up in one of their phrases: "Let our thoughts be correct".

I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.

I didn't do it! Nobody saw me do it! Can't prove anything!

Suffering alone exists, none who suffer; The deed there is, but no doer thereof; Nirvana is, but no one is seeking it; The Path there is, but none who travel it.

It is through symbols that man consciously or unconsciously lives, works and has his being.

The lunatic, the lover, and the poet, Are of imagination all compact...

If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.

The Worst Jury A murder trial at Manitoba in February 1978 was well advanced, when one juror revealed that he was completely deaf and did not have the remotest clue what was happening. The judge, Mr. Justice Solomon, asked him if he had heard any

Of all men's miseries, the bitterest is this: to know so much and have control over nothing.

Competitive fury is not always anger. It is the true missionary's courage and zeal in facing the possibility that one's best may not be enough.

The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic devices, such as television sets and VCR's, to the destruction centers, where trained personnel would whack them (the devices) with sledgehammers. With their devices thus permanent

[Americans] are a race of convicts and ought to be thankful for anything we allow them short of hanging.

Hell is empty and all the devils are here.

Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant.

A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students.

I am a man: nothing human is alien to me.

The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes, respectability and children. Nothing can lift those seven milestones from man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the milestones are lifted.

A woman's a woman until the day she dies, but a man's only a man as long as he can.

The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.

Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.

"All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands."

A rolling stone gathers no moss.

A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper.

"You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks."

Princeton's taste is sweet like a strawberry tart. Harvard's is a subtle taste, like whiskey, coffee, or tobacco. It may even be a bad habit, for all I know.

Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

Faith is under the left nipple.

For myself, I can only say that I am astonished and somewhat terrified at the results of this evening's experiments. Astonished at the wonderful power you have developed, and terrified at the thought that so much hideous and bad music may be put on

The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money completely surrounded by people who want some.

Why am I so soft in the middle when the rest of my life is so hard?

If it were thought that anything I wrote was influenced by Robert Frost, I would take that particular work of mine, shred it, and flush it down the toilet, hoping not to clog the pipes. A more sententious, holding- forth old bore who expected every

Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.

The only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane.

He knows not how to know who knows not also how to unknow.

He who has the courage to laugh is almost as much a master of the world as he who is ready to die.

Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.

Facts are the enemy of truth.

Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge.

When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.

The only cultural advantage LA has over NY is that you can make a right turn on a red light.

Every why hath a wherefore.

My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed.

Very few blacks will take up golf until the requirement for plaid pants is dropped.

Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth *___and* fresher

The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.

Age before beauty; and pearls before swine.

A man who cannot seduce men cannot save them either.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could beat up their

I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't seem to work.

Every man who has reached even his intellectual teens begins to suspect that life is no farce; that it is not genteel comedy even; that it flowers and fructifies on the contrary out of the profoundest tragic depths of the essential death in which its

To generalize is to be an idiot.

'Scuse me, while I kiss the sky!

Three minutes' thought would suffice to find this out; but thought is irksome and three minutes is a long time.

The greatest productive force is human selfishness.

The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak.

All of us should treasure his Oriental wisdom and his preaching of a Zen-like detachment, as exemplified by his constant reminder to clerks, tellers, or others who grew excited by his presence in their banks: "Just lie down on the floor and keep calm

"You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive."

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.

There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need the money; the second that you have something to say that you think the world should know; the third is that you can't think what to do with the long winter evenings.

It is a lesson which all history teaches wise men, to put trust in ideas, and not in circumstances.

Likewise, the national appetizer, brine-cured herring with raw onions, wins few friends, Germans excepted.

Sic transit gloria mundi. [So passes away the glory of this world.]

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.

When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.

IF I HAD A MINE SHAFT, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way.

The major sin is the sin of being born.

The Israelis are the Doberman pinschers of the Middle East. They treat the Arabs like postmen.

Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is liked getting kicked out of the Book-of-the-Month Club.

The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first.

You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred.

You mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond the obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason, and an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you.

Perhaps no person can be a poet, or even enjoy poetry without a certain unsoundness of mind.

The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque Enclosed."

For thee the wonder-working earth puts forth sweet flowers.

Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.

"What are you watching?" "I don't know." "Well, what's happening?" "I'm not sure... I think the guy in the hat did something terrible." "Why are you watching it?" "You're so analytical. Sometimes you just have to let art flow over you."

I: The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin with a silk sow. The same is true of money. II: If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it would probably be twice as good as yesterday was. III: There are

Three o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too late or a little too early for anything you want to do.

This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.

Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.

Lay on, MacDuff, and curs'd be him who first cries, "Hold, enough!".

The last vestiges of the old Republic have been swept away.

A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation. It takes an abundance of imagination, to be sure.

My band career ended late in my senior year when John Cooper and I threw my amplifier out the dormitory window. We did not act in haste. First we checked to make sure the amplifier would fit through the frame, using the belt from my bathrobe to meas

Something's rotten in the state of Denmark.

A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.

Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.

Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there.

Then, gently touching my face, she hesitated for a moment as her incredible eyes poured forth into mine love, joy, pain, tragedy, acceptance, and peace. "'Bye for now," she said warmly.

I accept chaos. I am not sure whether it accepts me. I know some people are terrified of the bomb. But then some people are terrified to be seen carrying a modern screen magazine. Experience teaches us that silence terrifies people the most.

If we see the light at the end of the tunnel, it's the light of an oncoming train.

Never have so many understood so little about so much.

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.

I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men

If there really was a Jewish conspiracy to run the world, my rabbi would have let me in on it by now. I contribute enough to the shule.

It is not enough that I should succeed. Others must fail.

Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.

Set the cart before the horse.