"The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain."

Don't guess

So little time, so little to do.

"If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far."

I understand why you're confused. You're thinking too much.

From the cradle to the coffin underwear comes first.

There is always something new out of Africa.

A rolling stone gathers no moss.

If we see the light at the end of the tunnel, it's the light of an oncoming train.

Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done.

The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque Enclosed."

Sensible and responsible women do not want to vote.

I will make you shorter by the head.

This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly, because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has "deregulated" the airline industry. What t

"World conquerors sometimes become fools, but fools never become world conquerors."

Would that my hand were as swift as my tongue.

A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.

"What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?"

He who knows others is wise. He who knows himself is enlightened.

Why be a man when you can be a success?

"I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path."

But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in 1877, was the phonograph, which could soo

You can never do just one thing.

Too much of everything is just enough.

Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.

Then, gently touching my face, she hesitated for a moment as her incredible eyes poured forth into mine love, joy, pain, tragedy, acceptance, and peace. "'Bye for now," she said warmly.

When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.

The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to do what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with them while they do it.

Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow!

He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him.

Dignity is like a flag. It flaps in a storm.

I just got off the phone with Sonny Barger [President of the Hell's Angels]. He wants me to appear as a character witness for him at his murder trial and said he'd be glad to appear as a character witness on my behalf if I ever needed one. Needless

"I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment."

Term, holidays, term, holidays, till we leave school, and then work, work, work till we die.

General notions are generally wrong.

By the middle 1880's, practically all the roads except those in the South, were of the present standard gauge. The southern roads were still five feet between rails. It was decided to change the gauge of all southern roads to standard, in one day

... before I could come to any conclusion it occurred to me that my speech or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility. What did it matter what anyone knew or ignored? What did it matter who was manager? One gets sometimes s

"There is no Father Christmas. It's just a marketing ploy to make low income parents' lives a misery." "... I want you to picture the trusting face of a child, streaked with tears because of what you just said." "I want you to picture the face of

Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you will pay only the station-to-station rate.

Whatever is not nailed down is mine. Whatever I can pry up is not nailed down.

When the ax entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us!"

Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas" until you are told that those rooms are "punched out." Once punched out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such.

A game can by God repent or we'll punish it. That's how they did it in Salem in the seventeenth century, and that's how we'll do it now.

Without adventure, civilization is in full decay.

A society in which women are taught anything but the management of a family, the care of men, and the creation of the future generation is a society which is on its way out.

The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the number of participants.

Honesty's the best policy.

The greatest productive force is human selfishness.

Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.

The road to ruin is always in good repair, and the travellers pay the expense of it.

All men know the utility of useful things; but they do not know the utility of futility.

A woman who is guided by the head and not by the heart is a social pestilence: she has all the defects of the passionate and affectionate woman, with none of her compensations; she is without pity, without love, without virtue, without sex.

Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much better.

God help those who do not help themselves.

And ever has it been known that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.

The proof of the pudding is in the eating.

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

Men of lofty genius when they are doing the least work are most active.

The only reward of virtue is virtue.

It is imperative when flying coach that you restrain any tendency toward the vividly imaginative. For although it may momentarily appear to be the case, it is not at all likely that the cabin is entirely inhabited by crying babies smoking inexpensiv

An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition.

For if there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life.

If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The "professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on t

A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!" "However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."

Business will be either better or worse.

In the highest society, as well as in the lowest, woman is merely an instrument of pleasure.

I know not how I came into this, shall I call it a dying life or a living death?

XXI: It's easy to get a loan unless you need it. XXII: If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock, not selling advice. XXIII: Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is currently estimated. XXIV:

I just need enough to tide me over until I need more.

Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.

I: The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin with a silk sow. The same is true of money. II: If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it would probably be twice as good as yesterday was. III: There are

... "fire" does not matter, "earth" and "air" and "water" do not matter. "I" do not matter. No word matters. But man forgets reality and remembers words. The more words he remembers, the cleverer do his fellows esteem him. He looks upon the great

If you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk. If you wish to be happy for three days, get married. If you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it. If you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish.

None love the bearer of bad news.

It is a lesson which all history teaches wise men, to put trust in ideas, and not in circumstances.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

Turn the other cheek.

Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.

It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion.

In dwelling, be close to the land. In meditation, delve deep into the heart. In dealing with others, be gentle and kind. In speech, be true. In work, be competent. In action, be careful of your timing.

The term "fire" brings up visions of violence and mayhem and the ugly scene of shooting employees who make mistakes. We will now refer to this process as "deleting" an employee (much as a file is deleted from a disk). The employee is simply there o

Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.

He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man.

"We maintain that the very foundation of our way of life is what we call free enterprise," said Cash McCall, "but when one of our citizens show enough free enterprise to pile up a little of that profit, we do our best to make him feel that he ought t

The life which is unexamined is not worth living.

The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.

Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

"Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around, I'd rather lie around. No contest."

Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.

A prediction is worth twenty explanations.

I'll turn over a new leaf.

After the game the king and the pawn go in the same box.

If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one.

Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long.

The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak.

Well, he thought, since neither Aristotelian Logic nor the disciplines of Science seemed to offer much hope, it's time to go beyond them... Drawing a few deep even breaths, he entered a mental state practiced only by Masters of the Universal Way of

Think lucky. If you fall in a pond, check your pockets for fish.

"The jig's up, Elman." "Which jig?"

Mankind is poised midway between the gods and the beasts.

Wishing without work is like fishing without bait.

Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge.

Some people say a front-engine car handles best. Some people say a rear-engine car handles best. I say a rented car handles best.

Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and long were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his pain and his aloneness without regret?

To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.

When you die, you lose a very important part of your life.

Suffering alone exists, none who suffer; The deed there is, but no doer thereof; Nirvana is, but no one is seeking it; The Path there is, but none who travel it.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment.

Time goes, you say? Ah no! Time stays, *we* go.

The use of money is all the advantage there is to having money.

If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive!

Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.

What fools these mortals be.

Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.

No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.

Remember that there is an outside world to see and enjoy.

One man's Mede is another man's Persian.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.

The course of true anything never does run smooth.

Never look a gift horse in the mouth.

Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.

Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort of like a shell leaving the nut behind.

It's very glamorous to raise millions of dollars, until it's time for the venture capitalist to suck your eyeballs out.

Let sleeping dogs lie.

A sinking ship gathers no moss.

At ebb tide I wrote a line upon the sand, and gave it all my heart and all my soul. At flood tide I returned to read what I had inscribed and found my ignorance upon the shore.

I owe the public nothing.

'Naomi, sex at noon taxes.' I moan. Never odd or even. A man, a plan, a canal, Panama. Madam, I'm Adam. Sit on a potato pan, Otis. Sit on Otis.

Life is the childhood of our immortality.

The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly important thing to people.

Perhaps the remembrance of these things will prove a source of future pleasure.

The man-hating woman, like the cold woman, is largely imaginary. She is simply a woman who has done her best to snare a man and has failed.

What one believes to be true either is true or becomes true.

Men freely believe that what they wish to desire.

My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind.

Nothing will ever be attempted if all possible objections must be first overcome.

Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all.

The farther you go, the less you know.

Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson Bay, left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. Using a bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and great effort pushing boulders into a single

The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it.

Go away, I'm all right.

Home is where the hurt is.

An atom-blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways.

I hate dying.

You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe? Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business signs to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a word, as in: WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHEC

The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth.

Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.

The possession of a book becomes a substitute for reading it.

You can fool all the people all of the time if the advertising is right and the budget is big enough.

Time as he grows old teaches all things.

I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock.

Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.

If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.

If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism.

Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, but remember, it didn't help the rabbit.

From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back. That is the point that must be reached.

You have all eternity to be cautious in when you're dead.

...He who laughs does not believe in what he laughs at, but neither does he hate it. Therefore, laughing at evil means not preparing oneself to combat it, and laughing at good means denying the power through which good is self-propagating.

Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt?

And tomorrow will be like today, only more so.

You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company.

To generalize is to be an idiot.

Porsche: there simply is no substitute.

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.

Somehow I reached excess without ever noticing when I was passing through satisfaction.

I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.

Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women it is merely a good excuse not to play football.

If ever the pleasure of one has to be bought by the pain of the other, there better be no trade. A trade by which one gains and the other loses is a fraud.

Nothing succeeds like excess.

I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and I wasn't tempted to buy

The superior man understands what is right; the inferior man understands what will sell.

Two heads are better than one.

You must be the change you wish to see in the world.

Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.

When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.

It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off the ground.

NEW YORK

Every young man should have a hobby: learning how to handle money is the best one.

Love may laugh at locksmiths, but he has a profound respect for money bags.

Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait. [If youth but knew, if old age but could.]

If you aren't rich you should always look useful.

One learns to itch where one can scratch.

"Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun."

The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind.

Whatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts.

... why should you waste a single moment of *your* life seeming to be something you don't want to be? Lord, that's so simple. If you hate your job, quit it. If your friends are tedious, go out and find new friends. You are queer, you lucky fool, a

When the sun shineth, make hay.

There seems no plan because it is all plan.

If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry.

Standards are different for all things, so the standard set by man is by no means the only 'certain' standard. If you mistake what is relative for something certain, you have strayed far from the ultimate truth.

If what they've been doing hasn't solved the problem, tell them to do something else.

It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the r

Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit. [There is no great genius without some touch of madness.]

You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.

VI: A hungry dog hunts best. A hungrier dog hunts even better. VII: Decreased business base increases overhead. So does increased business base. VIII: The most unsuccessful four years in the education of a cost-estimator is fifth grade ari

The coast was clear.

There is no sin but ignorance.

Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions.

He who despairs over an event is a coward, but he who holds hopes for the human condition is a fool.

The more the merrier.

The man who runs may fight again.

If a thing's worth having, it's worth cheating for.

It is better to live rich than to die rich.

XLI: The more one produces, the less one gets. XLII: Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite testing. XLIII: Hardware works best when it matters the least. XLIV: Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a we

For thee the wonder-working earth puts forth sweet flowers.

A furore Normanorum libera nos, O Domine! [From the fury of the norsemen deliver us, O Lord!]

Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations. He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan, then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open market. If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarri

No small art is it to sleep: it is necessary for that purpose to keep awake all day.

I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem.

Drop the vase and it will become a Ming of the past.

Man must shape his tools lest they shape him.

Every person, all the events in your life are there because you have drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you.

I'm always looking for a new idea that will be more productive than its cost.

Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.

It is the business of the future to be dangerous.

"You would do well not to imagine profundity," he said. "Anything that seems of momentous occasion should be dwelt upon as though it were of slight note. Conversely, trivialities must be attended to with the greatest of care. Because death is moment

The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used.

Optimism is the content of small men in high places.

If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly.

Diary of a Young Girl LITE(tm)

(1) Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood. (2) If your stomach antagonizes you, pacify it with cool thoughts. (3) Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move. (4) Go very lightly on the vices, such as carrying on in society, as

Many hands make light work.

Never buy what you do not want because it is cheap; it will be dear to you.

Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images.

There are no accidents whatsoever in the universe.

IF I HAD A MINE SHAFT, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way.

The whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively.

A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed.

The means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers, always end up on their ends without any means.

A journey of a thousand miles starts under one's feet.

It's always darkest just before the lights go out.

Goals... Plans... they're fantasies, they're part of a dream world...

Instead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better.

"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"

We have nowhere else to go... this is all we have.

A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around she deserved.

The true way goes over a rope which is not stretched at any great height but just above the ground. It seems more designed to make people stumble than to be walked upon.

There is a secret person undamaged within every individual.

With her body, woman is more sincere than man; but with her mind she lies. And when she lies, she does not believe herself.

Brahma said: Well, after hearing ten thousand explanations, a fool is no wiser. But an intelligent man needs only two thousand five hundred.

If a man loses his reverence for any part of life, he will lose his reverence for all of life.

There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.

Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich and powerful know that he is.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

In the long run we are all dead.

Were there no women, men might live like gods.

Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you awfully comfortable while you're being miserable.

Most general statements are false, including this one.

Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it.

You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements.

When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.

A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies, scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom.

Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks.

Alas, I am dying beyond my means.

There are many of us in this old world of ours who hold that things break about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get about the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summer and the poor get it in the winter.

It is through symbols that man consciously or unconsciously lives, works and has his being.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped.

Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods.

An aphorism is never exactly true; it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths.

Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget.

The tree in which the sap is stagnant remains fruitless.

Never buy from a rich salesman.

A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.

I consider a new device or technology to have been culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder.

Save the Whales

Human resources are human first, and resources second.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.

Facts are the enemy of truth.

Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall.

For fools rush in where angels fear to tread.

Three o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too late or a little too early for anything you want to do.

Housework can kill you if done right.

Necessity hath no law.

Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they would. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect that much.

Lookie, lookie, here comes cookie...

If there is no wind, row.

Charity begins at home.

Scratch the average female and you'll find a purring bundle... at the ready to love and honor, bake a torte and still produce quintuplets.

Men's skin is different from women's skin. It is usually bigger, and it has more snakes tattooed on it. Also, if you examine a woman's skin very closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently tracing the slender curve of her cal

You have to run as fast as you can just to stay where you are. If you want to get anywhere, you'll have to run much faster.

Patience is the best remedy for every trouble.

It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters.

He thought of Musashi, the Sword Saint, standing in his garden more than three hundred years ago. "What is the 'Body of a rock'?" he was asked. In answer, Musashi summoned a pupil of his and bid him kill himself by slashing his abdomen with a knife.

We're living in a golden age. All you need is gold.

Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these.

L'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare.

All is well that ends well.

There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish.

Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little more time for dreaming.

Man is the measure of all things.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away.

An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest.

Real wealth can only increase.

Who does not trust enough will not be trusted.

If the ends don't justify the means, then what does?

An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see a great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures. I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment. I have given up everything I was aske

The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his memos.

Life would be tolerable but for its amusements.

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we would all be millionaires.

"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away".

Walking on water wasn't built in a day.

It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something.

Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.