... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *___did* quote anybody in this business, it probably would be gibberish.

Beggars should be no choosers.

By the middle 1880's, practically all the roads except those in the South, were of the present standard gauge. The southern roads were still five feet between rails. It was decided to change the gauge of all southern roads to standard, in one day

In breeding cattle you need one bull for every twenty-five cows, unless the cows are known sluts.

Well, the handwriting is on the floor.

To restore a sense of reality, I think Walt Disney should have a Hardluckland.

Men's skin is different from women's skin. It is usually bigger, and it has more snakes tattooed on it. Also, if you examine a woman's skin very closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently tracing the slender curve of her cal

Do not despair of life. You have no doubt force enough to overcome your obstacles. Think of the fox prowling through wood and field in a winter night for something to satisfy his hunger. Notwithstanding cold and hounds and traps, his race survives

Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend.

Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know.

Chapter 1 The story so far: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

Without adventure, civilization is in full decay.

The ratio of literacy to illiteracy is a constant, but nowadays the illiterates can read.

Faith is under the left nipple.

A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.

Why am I so soft in the middle when the rest of my life is so hard?

The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go to erase it.

Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the villagers gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," said Nasrudin, "I only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the villagers but the stupidest ran off to spr

Who dat who say "who dat" when I say "who dat"?

I'm glad I was not born before tea.

Too much of everything is just enough.

Praise the sea; on shore remain.

The means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers, always end up on their ends without any means.

The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly important thing to people.

It is only by risking our persons from one hour to another that we live at all. And often enough our faith beforehand in an uncertified result is the only thing that makes the result come true.

Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.

Small is beautiful.

The time spent on any item of the agenda [of a finance committee] will be in inverse proportion to the sum involved.

You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.

Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business. Cheat.

You can't run away forever, But there's nothing wrong with getting a good head start.

Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

Like, if I'm not for me, then fer shure, like who will be? And if, y'know, if I'm not like fer anyone else, then hey, I mean, what am I? And if not now, like I dunno, maybe like when? And if not Who, then I dunno, maybe like the Rolling Stones?

Women of genius commonly have masculine faces, figures and manners. In transplanting brains to an alien soil God leaves a little of the original earth clinging to the roots.

The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better people, and don't come in clearly enough.

Wishing without work is like fishing without bait.

For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.

The faster I go, the behinder I get.

When you die, you lose a very important part of your life.

Who goeth a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing.

What one believes to be true either is true or becomes true.

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of government, therefore,

In my end is my beginning.

We have art that we do not die of the truth.

Life is too short to be taken seriously.

It is only the man whose intellect is clouded by his sexual impulse that could give the name of the fair sex to that undersized, narrow-shouldered, broad-hipped, and short-legged race.

Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves.

How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?

We are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one.

I didn't believe in reincarnation in any of my other lives. I don't see why I should have to believe in it in this one.

You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred.

Fortune's Guide to Freshman Notetaking: WHEN THE PROFESSOR SAYS: YOU WRITE: Probably the greatest quality of the poetry John Milton

Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there.

There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit at a typewriter and open a vein.

Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks.

The only promotion rules I can think of are that a sense of shame is to be avoided at all costs and there is never any reason for a hustler to be less cunning than more virtuous men. Oh yes ... whenever you think you've got something really great, a

When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff.

The greatest productive force is human selfishness.

If God is One, what is bad?

Remember that there is an outside world to see and enjoy.

The trouble with superheros is what to do between phone booths.

Let sleeping dogs lie.

Who does not trust enough will not be trusted.

If the ends don't justify the means, then what does?

It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters.

Mundus vult decipi decipiatur ergo.

You can't expect a boy to be vicious till he's been to a good school.

Great acts are made up of small deeds.

About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.

A man is known by the company he organizes.

There is no comfort without pain; thus we define salvation through suffering.

If a shameless woman expects to be defiled and then dies of her fierce love because you do not consent, will chastity also be homicide?

The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.

Would it help if I got out and pushed?

Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge.

We have reason to be afraid. This is a terrible place.

Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.

A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility.

One learns to itch where one can scratch.

The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money completely surrounded by people who want some.

Men are superior to women.

Yevtushenko has... an ego that can crack crystal at a distance of twenty feet.

Imagine what we can imagine!

You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company.

We rarely find anyone who can say he has lived a happy life, and who, content with his life, can retire from the world like a satisfied guest.

Divorce is a game played by lawyers.

You cannot see the wood for the trees.

I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock.

A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!" "However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."

Human resources are human first, and resources second.

"Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him."

So you think that money is the root of all evil. Have you ever asked what is the root of money?

The farther you go, the less you know.

Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.

There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself.

"What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?"

"Hey, Sam, how about a loan?" "Whattaya need?" "Oh, about $500." "Whattaya got for collateral?" "Whattaya need?" "How about an eye?"

The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves.

Objectivity is to a newspaper what virtue is to a woman.

For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.

All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies.

A woman who is unfaithful deserves to be shot.

XXI: It's easy to get a loan unless you need it. XXII: If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock, not selling advice. XXIII: Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is currently estimated. XXIV:

A society in which women are taught anything but the management of a family, the care of men, and the creation of the future generation is a society which is on its way out.

Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.

Well, you know, no matter where you go, there you are.

A word to the wise is enough.

Do not use that foreign word "ideals". We have that excellent native word "lies".

Odets, where is thy sting?

There must be more to life than having everything.

The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind.

Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest amount of hot air.

She applies her lipstick in spite of its contents: "greasy rouge, containing crushed and dried insect corpses for coloring, beeswax for stiffness, and olive oil to help it flow - the latter having the unfortunate tendency to go rancid several hours a

The use of money is all the advantage there is to having money.

The great question that has never been answered and which I have not yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul is: WHAT DOES A WOMAN WANT?

The avocation of assessing the failures of better men can be turned into a comfortable livelihood, providing you back it up with a Ph.D.

Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas" until you are told that those rooms are "punched out." Once punched out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such.

(1) Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood. (2) If your stomach antagonizes you, pacify it with cool thoughts. (3) Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move. (4) Go very lightly on the vices, such as carrying on in society, as

The eye is a menace to clear sight, the ear is a menace to subtle hearing, the mind is a menace to wisdom, every organ of the senses is a menace to its own capacity. ... Fuss, the god of the Southern Ocean, and Fret, the god of the Northern Ocean, h

Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental Anguish. You would sue: * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions

When I have one foot in the grave I will tell the truth about women. I shall tell it, jump into my coffin, pull the lid over me, and say, "Do what you like now."

If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell.

Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you.

Would that my hand were as swift as my tongue.

Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall.

The life which is unexamined is not worth living.

A good scapegoat is hard to find. A guilty conscience is the mother of invention.

Flame on!

It is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have to do, that makes life blessed.

Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away someone else's cash.

A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper.

XI: If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would get twice as much done. If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty times as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all the managers would fly off. XII: I

I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and I wasn't tempted to buy

If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could work for with a great deal of enjoyment.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist knows it.

Facts are the enemy of truth.

A violent man will die a violent death.

"If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination."

Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.

Housework can kill you if done right.

Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.

Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all.

Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.

Look before you leap.

The world is your exercise-book, the pages on which you do your sums. It is not reality, although you can express reality there if you wish. You are also free to write nonsense, or lies, or to tear the pages.

The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth.

Generally speaking, the Way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death.

Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.

There is more to life than increasing its speed.

"Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like `Amadeus'? I could have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing."

Love the sea? I dote upon it

The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his memos.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

It is not enough that I should succeed. Others must fail.

Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best.

If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women you've got in the house.

The only thing that experience teaches us is that experience teaches us nothing.

Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.

And ever has it been known that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.

There's no justice in this world.

VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot. This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to

A snake lurks in the grass.

Words have a longer life than deeds.

Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow!

Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?

How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another in the waking state?

There is no better way of exercising the imagination than the study of law. No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets truth.

Princeton's taste is sweet like a strawberry tart. Harvard's is a subtle taste, like whiskey, coffee, or tobacco. It may even be a bad habit, for all I know.

There is always something new out of Africa.

A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.

The faster we go, the rounder we get.

All of us should treasure his Oriental wisdom and his preaching of a Zen-like detachment, as exemplified by his constant reminder to clerks, tellers, or others who grew excited by his presence in their banks: "Just lie down on the floor and keep calm

"Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich."

The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobb

God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.

If any man wishes to be humbled and mortified, let him become president of Harvard.

Man is the measure of all things.

Woman is generally so bad that the difference between a good and a bad woman scarcely exists.

"The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain."

While there's life, there's hope.

The proof of the pudding is in the eating.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to exactly the point of most pressure.

The real purpose of books is to trap the mind into doing its own thinking.

[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity: (1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a

The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie.

L'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare.

He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news.

"Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work"

All men know the utility of useful things; but they do not know the utility of futility.

If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly.

If you catch a man, throw him back.

If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, it might well prolong his life.

When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the thing," it's the money.

Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities, requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by tur

There is a secret person undamaged within every individual.

The executioner is, I hear, very expert, and my neck is very slender.

Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.

That Xanthippe's husband should have become so great a philosopher is remarkable. Amid all the scolding, to be able to think! But he could not write: that was impossible. Socrates has not left us a single book.

When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.

A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks.

Piece of cake!

There has been a little distress selling on the stock exchange.

"We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!"

A game can by God repent or we'll punish it. That's how they did it in Salem in the seventeenth century, and that's how we'll do it now.

There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Pope.

Music in the soul can be heard by the universe.

The only certainty is that nothing is certain.

I consider a new device or technology to have been culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder.

When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life.

Remembering is for those who have forgotten.

To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.

Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.

Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it.

I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some kind of loophole.

I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said, "What'll you have, Bud"? I said," I don't know, surprise me". So he showed me a nude picture of my wife.

I'd be a poorer man if I'd never seen an eagle fly.

The first requisite for immortality is death.

Bullwinkle: You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the outfit. General: What does that make YOU? Bullwinkle: What else? An executive.

Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near the earth's surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people to do so.

The college graduate is presented with a sheepskin to cover his intellectual nakedness.

One picture is worth more than ten thousand words.

One good turn deserves another.

If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry.

If a man loses his reverence for any part of life, he will lose his reverence for all of life.

A dream will always triumph over reality, once it is given the chance.

Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.

were found to be wearing neckwear that was tighter than their neck circumference. The visual discrimination of the 22 subjects was evaluated using a critical flicker frequency (CFF) test. Results of the CFF test indicated that tight neckwear signifi

Fortune and love befriend the bold.

What fools these mortals be.

She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.

Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement.

From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back. That is the point that must be reached.

Somehow I reached excess without ever noticing when I was passing through satisfaction.

God is Dead.

The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for lists of "Ten Best".

Men freely believe that what they wish to desire.

Life is the childhood of our immortality.

I know not how I came into this, shall I call it a dying life or a living death?

Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves.

To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.

The superior man understands what is right; the inferior man understands what will sell.

As Gen. de Gaulle occassionally acknowledges America to be the daughter of Europe, so I am pleased to come to Yale, the daughter of Harvard.

Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget.

It is a lesson which all history teaches wise men, to put trust in ideas, and not in circumstances.

Three o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too late or a little too early for anything you want to do.

Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in.

Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future.

The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.

I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.

Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.

He that bringeth a present, findeth the door open.

Non-Determinism is not meant to be reasonable.

We should realize that a city is better off with bad laws, so long as they remain fixed, then with good laws that are constantly being altered, that the lack of learning combined with sound common sense is more helpful than the kind of cleverness th

If men are not afraid to die, it is of no avail to threaten them with death. If men live in constant fear of dying, And if breaking the law means a man will be killed, Who will dare to break the law? There is always an official executioner. If

He that composes himself is wiser than he that composes a book.

Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.

Honesty's the best policy.

He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know.

Intellect annuls Fate. So far as a man thinks, he is free.

Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills.

Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.

History is nothing but a collection of fables and useless trifles, cluttered up with a mass of unnecessary figures and proper names.

Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these.

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.

I love treason but hate a traitor.

It's hard to drive at the limit, but it's harder to know where the limits are.

... a thing called Ethics, whose nature was confusing but if you had it you were a High-Class Realtor and if you hadn't you were a shyster, a piker and a fly-by-night. These virtues awakened Confidence and enabled you to handle Bigger Propositions.

To add insult to injury.

There is no proverb that is not true.

Walking on water wasn't built in a day.

The only reward of virtue is virtue.

Sweet April showers do spring May flowers.

When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.

"World conquerors sometimes become fools, but fools never become world conquerors."

"I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path."

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

Some women should be beaten regularly, like gongs.

So little time, so little to do.

Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.

It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased.

There's no such thing as an original sin.

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back the when it begins to rain.

If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads.

If we spoke a different language, we would perceive a somewhat different world.

I just got off the phone with Sonny Barger [President of the Hell's Angels]. He wants me to appear as a character witness for him at his murder trial and said he'd be glad to appear as a character witness on my behalf if I ever needed one. Needless

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.

The optimum committee has no members.

The world wants to be deceived.

God was satisfied with his own work, and that is fatal.

What excuses stand in your way? How can you eliminate them?

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.

"I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment."

Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his followers. One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She

Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.

Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere. Climb the mountain just a little to test it's a mountain. From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain.

General notions are generally wrong.

Mum's the word.

The man who has never been flogged has never been taught.

Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be surprised at how little you have.

Indeed, the first noble truth of Buddhism, usually translated as `all life is suffering,' is more accurately rendered `life is filled with a sense of pervasive unsatisfactoriness.'

Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.