Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge.

The price of success in philosophy is triviality.

It is only by risking our persons from one hour to another that we live at all. And often enough our faith beforehand in an uncertified result is the only thing that makes the result come true.

We have lingered long enough on the shores of the Cosmic Ocean.

The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning, and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished.

We're living in a golden age. All you need is gold.

When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when your boss is away and you get twice as much done.

A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!" "However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."

Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future.

All is well that ends well.

Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high, they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.

A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.

The faster I go, the behinder I get.

Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

"Plaese porrf raed."

A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation. It takes an abundance of imagination, to be sure.

Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women it is merely a good excuse not to play football.

No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the Continent, a part of the maine; if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea, Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne we

Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic table.

"What was the worst thing you've ever done?" "I won't tell you that, but I'll tell you the worst thing that ever happened to me... the most dreadful thing."

A good scapegoat is hard to find. A guilty conscience is the mother of invention.

Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves.

The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars."

Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than being flat broke and having a stomach ache.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

Odets, where is thy sting?

If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.

Instead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better.

If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we would all be millionaires.

You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company.

Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill gives us modern art.

I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem.

There's no such thing as an original sin.

Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith.

If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The "professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on t

Public use of any portable music system is a virtually guaranteed indicator of sociopathic tendencies.

What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.

I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some kind of loophole.

Knowledge is power.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

Another day, another dollar.

Watch your mouth, kid, or you'll find yourself floating home.

Princeton's taste is sweet like a strawberry tart. Harvard's is a subtle taste, like whiskey, coffee, or tobacco. It may even be a bad habit, for all I know.

The major sin is the sin of being born.

Well, he thought, since neither Aristotelian Logic nor the disciplines of Science seemed to offer much hope, it's time to go beyond them... Drawing a few deep even breaths, he entered a mental state practiced only by Masters of the Universal Way of

Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral.

Joe Cool always spends the first two weeks at college sailing his frisbee.

I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some kind of loophole.

Don't guess

VI: A hungry dog hunts best. A hungrier dog hunts even better. VII: Decreased business base increases overhead. So does increased business base. VIII: The most unsuccessful four years in the education of a cost-estimator is fifth grade ari

I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.

There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.

This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with great force.

Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait. [If youth but knew, if old age but could.]

It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our offense consists in doubting it.

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.

The time spent on any item of the agenda [of a finance committee] will be in inverse proportion to the sum involved.

When you are at Rome live in the Roman style; when you are elsewhere live as they live elsewhere.

The ratio of literacy to illiteracy is a constant, but nowadays the illiterates can read.

"Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work"

There is a secret person undamaged within every individual.

If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could work for with a great deal of enjoyment.

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?

Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.

"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"

Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt. [Confound those who have said our remarks before us.] or [May they perish who have expressed our bright ideas before us.]

A good reputation is more valuable than money.

A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.

Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.

If there is no wind, row.

Necessity hath no law.

For every bloke who makes his mark, there's half a dozen waiting to rub it out.

So little time, so little to do.

The adjective is the banana peel of the parts of speech.

When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches.

No excellent soul is exempt from a mixture of madness.

No evil can happen to a good man.

We have reason to be afraid. This is a terrible place.

The sky is blue so we know where to stop mowing.

The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it.

The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist "Jack."

A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students.

Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade themselves that they have a better idea.

It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish.

The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.

Plus ,ca change, plus c'est la m^eme chose. [The more things change, the more they remain the same.]

If you live long enough, you'll see that every victory turns into a defeat.

I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.

I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.

... but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women were convicted of witch

If your happiness depends on what somebody else does, I guess you do have a problem.

The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch someone else doing it wrong, without commenting.

If men are not afraid to die, it is of no avail to threaten them with death. If men live in constant fear of dying, And if breaking the law means a man will be killed, Who will dare to break the law? There is always an official executioner. If

Well, we'll really have a party, but we've gotta post a guard outside.

Beggars should be no choosers.

Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop writing.

XXI: It's easy to get a loan unless you need it. XXII: If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock, not selling advice. XXIII: Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is currently estimated. XXIV:

Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to examine the laws of heat.

God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.

If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.

Someday, Weederman, we'll look back on all this and laugh... It will probably be one of those deep, eerie ones that slowly builds to a blood-curdling maniacal scream... but still it will be a laugh.

A place for everything and everything in its place.

Wait for that wisest of all counselors, Time.

The problem that we thought was a problem was, indeed, a problem, but not the problem we thought was the problem.

"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away".

Never take a resume seriously. Resumes only make money for the people who write the resumes. No resume ever tells an employer how many times a job applicant has had the clap. Why, indeed, would anyone hire a person based on a resume written by a

"Hey, Sam, how about a loan?" "Whattaya need?" "Oh, about $500." "Whattaya got for collateral?" "Whattaya need?" "How about an eye?"

Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they had towels from my house.

Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall.

Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be surprised at how little you have.

Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental Anguish. You would sue: * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions

The great question that has never been answered and which I have not yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul is: WHAT DOES A WOMAN WANT?

Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.

Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more spectacular adventure starring... Tippy, the Wonder Dog!

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

Adde parvum parvo manus acervus erit. [Add little to little and there will be a big pile.]

Nothing succeeds like success.

You climb to reach the summit, but once there, discover that all roads lead down.

If ever the pleasure of one has to be bought by the pain of the other, there better be no trade. A trade by which one gains and the other loses is a fraud.

This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly, because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has "deregulated" the airline industry. What t

It is the business of the future to be dangerous.

The 'A' is for content, the 'minus' is for not typing it. Don't ever do this to my eyes again.

Look ere ye leap.

A man's house is his castle.

None love the bearer of bad news.

The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate knowledge of its ugly side.

Anything is possible on paper.

Facts, apart from their relationships, are like labels on empty bottles.

Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think about sex at all... they become lawyers.

There's no justice in this world.

"World conquerors sometimes become fools, but fools never become world conquerors."

A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation.

The `loner' may be respected, but he is always resented by his colleagues, for he seems to be passing a critical judgment on them, when he may be simply making a limiting statement about himself.

The average Ph.D thesis is nothing but the transference of bones from one graveyard to another.

Never look a gift horse in the mouth.

"Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever

Time as he grows old teaches all things.

If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, it might well prolong his life.

Life would be tolerable but for its amusements.

Men of lofty genius when they are doing the least work are most active.

He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man.

Call on God, but row away from the rocks.

What makes you think graduate school is supposed to be satisfying?

There's nothing worse for your business than extra Santa Clauses smoking in the men's room.

A good name lost is seldom regained. When character is gone, all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever.

You k'n hide de fier, but w'at you gwine do wid de smoke?

A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it.

Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.

I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.

There must be more to life than having everything.

The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine we own.

Or you or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company.

What we wish, that we readily believe.

The longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate.

Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy.

For if there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life.

Love the sea? I dote upon it

The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.

No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.

Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped.

It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim of infanticide.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.

Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away someone else's cash.

Whatever occurs from love is always beyond good and evil.

Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich and powerful know that he is.

Not all who own a harp are harpers.

Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.

I am a man: nothing human is alien to me.

To generalize is to be an idiot.

"What are you watching?" "I don't know." "Well, what's happening?" "I'm not sure... I think the guy in the hat did something terrible." "Why are you watching it?" "You're so analytical. Sometimes you just have to let art flow over you."

The only alliance I would make with the Women's Liberation Movement is in bed.

All the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow.

There's no such thing as a free lunch.

The eye is a menace to clear sight, the ear is a menace to subtle hearing, the mind is a menace to wisdom, every organ of the senses is a menace to its own capacity. ... Fuss, the god of the Southern Ocean, and Fret, the god of the Northern Ocean, h

A word to the wise is enough.

Most general statements are false, including this one.

"If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination."

Ignorance is never out of style. It was in fashion yesterday, it is the rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow.

Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses, is in the eye of the beholder.

Some women should be beaten regularly, like gongs.

Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?

He who has the courage to laugh is almost as much a master of the world as he who is ready to die.

Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend.

Where there is much light there is also much shadow.

An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition.

Men are superior to women.

The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind.

If what they've been doing hasn't solved the problem, tell them to do something else.

To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D.

Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule."

Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very opposite applies with the judges.

The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak.

With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time they make a law it's a joke.

The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist knows it.

Nothing succeeds like excess.

It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end.

He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know.

Just remember, wherever you go, there you are.

God helps them that help themselves.

Coincidences are spiritual puns.

He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

Every man who has reached even his intellectual teens begins to suspect that life is no farce; that it is not genteel comedy even; that it flowers and fructifies on the contrary out of the profoundest tragic depths of the essential death in which its

It is ridiculous to call this an industry. This is not. This is rat eat rat, dog eat dog. I'll kill 'em, and I'm going to kill 'em before they kill me. You're talking about the American way of survival of the fittest.

Scratch the average female and you'll find a purring bundle... at the ready to love and honor, bake a torte and still produce quintuplets.

Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.

Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather a new wearer of clothes.

It is only the man whose intellect is clouded by his sexual impulse that could give the name of the fair sex to that undersized, narrow-shouldered, broad-hipped, and short-legged race.

A rolling stone gathers no moss.

Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in.

Like, if I'm not for me, then fer shure, like who will be? And if, y'know, if I'm not like fer anyone else, then hey, I mean, what am I? And if not now, like I dunno, maybe like when? And if not Who, then I dunno, maybe like the Rolling Stones?

If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.

Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions.

Thou hast seen nothing yet.

Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.

The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the number of participants.

The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animals. Some of their most esteemed inventions have no other apparent purpose, for example, the dinner party of more than two, the epic poem, and the

It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the r

Only those who leisurely approach that which the masses are busy about can be busy about that which the masses take leisurely.

The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.

Reality is just a convenient measure of complexity.

How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another in the waking state?

Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.

What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence.

Leave no stone unturned.

If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.

The old complaint that mass culture is designed for eleven-year-olds is of course a shameful canard. The key age has traditionally been more like fourteen.

If I love you, what business is it of yours?

If you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk. If you wish to be happy for three days, get married. If you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it. If you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish.

"Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich."

Home is where the hurt is.

You can't run away forever, But there's nothing wrong with getting a good head start.

The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to do what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with them while they do it.

Whatever is not nailed down is mine. Whatever I can pry up is not nailed down.

With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time they make a law it's a joke.

If it doesn't smell yet, it's pretty fresh.

Alas, I am dying beyond my means.

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.

L'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare.

Solipsists of the World... you are already united.

I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two highly trained certified public accountants.

My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it.

It is bad luck to be superstitious.

Pauca sed matura. [Few but excellent.]

The Worst Musical Trio There are few bad musicians who have a chance to give a recital at a famous concert hall while still learning the rudiments of their instrument. This happened about thirty years ago to the son of a Rumanian gentleman who was

Education and religion are two things not regulated by supply and demand. The less of either the people have, the less they want.

Every person, all the events in your life are there because you have drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you.

The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions.

Unprovided with original learning, unformed in the habits of thinking, unskilled in the arts of composition, I resolved to write a book.

All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you can deduct the cost of your house, beca

There is no comfort without pain; thus we define salvation through suffering.

Haste makes waste.

Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business. Cheat.

Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done.

The Angels want to wear my red shoes.

Remembering is for those who have forgotten.

... why should you waste a single moment of *your* life seeming to be something you don't want to be? Lord, that's so simple. If you hate your job, quit it. If your friends are tedious, go out and find new friends. You are queer, you lucky fool, a

"We're not talking about the same thing," he said. "For you the world is weird because if you're not bored with it you're at odds with it. For me the world is weird because it is stupendous, awesome, mysterious, unfathomable; my interest has been to

It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our offense consists in doubting it.

"I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path."

It's easier to take it apart than to put it back together.

You have to run as fast as you can just to stay where you are. If you want to get anywhere, you'll have to run much faster.

VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot. This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to

If we spoke a different language, we would perceive a somewhat different world.

Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you will pay only the station-to-station rate.

Recently deceased blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan "comes to" after his death. He sees Jimi Hendrix sitting next to him, tuning his guitar. "Holy cow," he thinks to himself, "this guy is my idol." Over at the microphone, about to sing, are Jim Mo

Think lucky. If you fall in a pond, check your pockets for fish.

What you don't know won't help you much either.

We know next to nothing about virtually everything. It is not necessary to know the origin of the universe; it is necessary to want to know. Civilization depends not on any particular knowledge, but on the disposition to crave knowledge.

Let your conscience be your guide.

Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch" may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used whe

The only certainty is that nothing is certain.

Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life.

It's hard to drive at the limit, but it's harder to know where the limits are.

Out of sight is out of mind.

Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth gr

Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities, requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by tur

If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it around. Trouble creates a capacity to handle it. I don't say embrace trouble; that's as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say meet it as a friend, for you'll see a lot of it and y

Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

While there's life, there's hope.

When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff.

It doesn't matter whether you win or lose

When the speaker and he to whom he is speaks do not understand, that is metaphysics.

Let's remind ourselves that last year's fresh idea is today's cliche.

There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish.

"Necessity is the mother of invention" is a silly proverb. "Necessity is the mother of futile dodges" is much nearer the truth.

There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit at a typewriter and open a vein.

Very few people do anything creative after the age of thirty-five. The reason is that very few people do anything creative before the age of thirty-five.

A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper.

...He who laughs does not believe in what he laughs at, but neither does he hate it. Therefore, laughing at evil means not preparing oneself to combat it, and laughing at good means denying the power through which good is self-propagating.

When you die, you lose a very important part of your life.

The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic devices, such as television sets and VCR's, to the destruction centers, where trained personnel would whack them (the devices) with sledgehammers. With their devices thus permanent

A woman who is guided by the head and not by the heart is a social pestilence: she has all the defects of the passionate and affectionate woman, with none of her compensations; she is without pity, without love, without virtue, without sex.

I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and I wasn't tempted to buy

"You would do well not to imagine profundity," he said. "Anything that seems of momentous occasion should be dwelt upon as though it were of slight note. Conversely, trivialities must be attended to with the greatest of care. Because death is moment

It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion.

It is a lesson which all history teaches wise men, to put trust in ideas, and not in circumstances.

By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it.

And tomorrow will be like today, only more so.

A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.

For fools rush in where angels fear to tread.