Things are not always what they seem.

You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

Very few blacks will take up golf until the requirement for plaid pants is dropped.

Ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach, Or what's a heaven for ?

Mum's the word.

I have ways of making money that you know nothing of.

Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images.

Every young man should have a hobby: learning how to handle money is the best one.

Immature artists imitate, mature artists steal.

Patch griefs with proverbs.

Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company.

"Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five hundred."

You cannot see the wood for the trees.

Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.

I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness; And from that full meridian of my glory I haste now to my setting. I shall fall, Like a bright exhalation in the evening And no man see me more.

We can embody the truth, but we cannot know it.

Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade. But the wisdom of our ances

There is no comfort without pain; thus we define salvation through suffering.

The last vestiges of the old Republic have been swept away.

Living in New York City gives people real incentives to want things that nobody else wants.

Theology is an attempt to explain a subject by men who do not understand it. The intent is not to tell the truth but to satisfy the questioner.

"I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path."

A word to the wise is enough.

Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic table.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it.

Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home tool sets for under $4?" An excellent question. Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where they

October 12, the Discovery. It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.

We'll be recording at the Paradise Friday night. Live, on the Death label.

Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest amount of hot air.

The problem that we thought was a problem was, indeed, a problem, but not the problem we thought was the problem.

If God is One, what is bad?

Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time. So long as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental hooks into, there is room for lateral movement. Once this begins, its rate is a matter of discretion.

Eighteen goddess-like daughters are not equal to one son with a hump.

Well, he thought, since neither Aristotelian Logic nor the disciplines of Science seemed to offer much hope, it's time to go beyond them... Drawing a few deep even breaths, he entered a mental state practiced only by Masters of the Universal Way of

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

If any man wishes to be humbled and mortified, let him become president of Harvard.

Who does not trust enough will not be trusted.

It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do.

Five bicycles make a volkswagen, seven make a truck.

Never take a resume seriously. Resumes only make money for the people who write the resumes. No resume ever tells an employer how many times a job applicant has had the clap. Why, indeed, would anyone hire a person based on a resume written by a

"I'm dying," he croaked. "My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted . "You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized. "That's no beagle, it's a mongrel," she muttered. "The fire is going out," he bellowed. "Bad marksmanship," the h

Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.

A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of.

I reverently believe that the maker who made us all makes everything in New England, but the weather. I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in New England, fo

Sweet April showers do spring May flowers.

Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there.

We're fantastically incredibly sorry for all these extremely unreasonable things we did. I can only plead that my simple, barely-sentient friend and myself are underprivileged, deprived and also college students.

I have had my television aerials removed. It's the moral equivalent of a prostate operation.

Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.

Somehow I reached excess without ever noticing when I was passing through satisfaction.

I: The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin with a silk sow. The same is true of money. II: If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it would probably be twice as good as yesterday was. III: There are

If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.

This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.

A light wife doth make a heavy husband.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow!

"You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive."

Moneyliness is next to Godliness.

The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.

Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.

The true Southern watermelon is a boon apart, and not to be mentioned with commoner things. It is chief of the world's luxuries, king by the grace of God over all the fruits of the earth. When one has tasted it, he knows what the angels eat. It wa

Ain't no right way to do a wrong thing.

Don't get mad, get even.

An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see a great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures. I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment. I have given up everything I was aske

Conscience doth make cowards of us all.

I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men

A woman who is guided by the head and not by the heart is a social pestilence: she has all the defects of the passionate and affectionate woman, with none of her compensations; she is without pity, without love, without virtue, without sex.

Aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star.

"You mean, if you allow the master to be uncivil, to treat you any old way he likes, and to insult your dignity, then he may deem you fit to hear his view of things?" "Quite the contrary. You must defend your integrity, assuming you have integrit

A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.

No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.

When in doubt, use brute force.

I am a man: nothing human is alien to me.

Learning without thought is labor lost; thought without learning is perilous.

The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped marker.

The goys have proven the following theorem...

With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time they make a law it's a joke.

A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation. It takes an abundance of imagination, to be sure.

The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarian tribe now stacking wood at her nubile feet, when the strong clear voice of the poetic and heroic Handsomas roared, 'Flick your Bic, cr

My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my family, it seems, begins where yours left off.

If you know the answer to a question, don't ask.

Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed down-stairs a step at a time.

One picture is worth more than ten thousand words.

Art is a lie which makes us realize the truth.

Woman is generally so bad that the difference between a good and a bad woman scarcely exists.

Never buy from a rich salesman.

By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve.

The Bible is not my Book and Christianity is not my religion. I could never give assent to the long complicated statements of Christian dogma.

[He] took me into his library and showed me his books, of which he had a complete set.

If a shameless woman expects to be defiled and then dies of her fierce love because you do not consent, will chastity also be homicide?

The world is your exercise-book, the pages on which you do your sums. It is not reality, although you can express reality there if you wish. You are also free to write nonsense, or lies, or to tear the pages.

When the sun shineth, make hay.

"You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks."

Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.

Very few people do anything creative after the age of thirty-five. The reason is that very few people do anything creative before the age of thirty-five.

What one believes to be true either is true or becomes true.

Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it.

Show business is just like high school, except you get paid.

Many a writer seems to think he is never profound except when he can't understand his own meaning.

Scratch the average female and you'll find a purring bundle... at the ready to love and honor, bake a torte and still produce quintuplets.

Darth Vader! Only you would be so bold!

Gratitude and treachery are merely the two extremities of the same procession. You have seen all of it that is worth staying for when the band and the gaudy officials have gone by.

Like ya know? Rock 'N Roll is an esoteric language that unlocks the creativity chambers in people's brains, and like totally activates their essential hipness, which of course is like totally necessary for saving the earth, like because the first th

We ... make the modern error of dignifying the Individual. We do everything we can to butter him up. We give him a name, assure him that he has certain inalienable rights, educate him, let him pass on his name to his brats and when he dies we give

Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.

You must be the change you wish to see in the world.

America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up.

XXI: It's easy to get a loan unless you need it. XXII: If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock, not selling advice. XXIII: Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is currently estimated. XXIV:

Hating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie, unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax.

"There is no Father Christmas. It's just a marketing ploy to make low income parents' lives a misery." "... I want you to picture the trusting face of a child, streaked with tears because of what you just said." "I want you to picture the face of

"You would do well not to imagine profundity," he said. "Anything that seems of momentous occasion should be dwelt upon as though it were of slight note. Conversely, trivialities must be attended to with the greatest of care. Because death is moment

The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose.

The course of true anything never does run smooth.

Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods.

If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads.

There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary as 'unearned income.'

The infliction of cruelty with a good conscience is a delight to moralists. That is why they invented hell.

With her body, woman is more sincere than man; but with her mind she lies. And when she lies, she does not believe herself.

Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two years.

Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away?

It is a lesson which all history teaches wise men, to put trust in ideas, and not in circumstances.

It is ridiculous to call this an industry. This is not. This is rat eat rat, dog eat dog. I'll kill 'em, and I'm going to kill 'em before they kill me. You're talking about the American way of survival of the fittest.

If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.

If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could work for with a great deal of enjoyment.

God instructs the heart, not by ideas, but by pains and contradictions.

I consider a new device or technology to have been culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder.

Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves.

I heard a definition of an intellectual, that I thought was very interesting: a man who takes more words than are necessary to tell more than he knows.

The lunatic, the lover, and the poet, Are of imagination all compact...

Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia because they were liars. The truth was that Plato knew philosophers couldn't compete successfully with poets.

Small things make base men proud.

The eye is a menace to clear sight, the ear is a menace to subtle hearing, the mind is a menace to wisdom, every organ of the senses is a menace to its own capacity. ... Fuss, the god of the Southern Ocean, and Fret, the god of the Northern Ocean, h

The `loner' may be respected, but he is always resented by his colleagues, for he seems to be passing a critical judgment on them, when he may be simply making a limiting statement about himself.

Porsche: there simply is no substitute.

Certainly the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Roumanian-Yiddish cooking has killed more Jews than Hitler.

Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson Bay, left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. Using a bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and great effort pushing boulders into a single

The means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers, always end up on their ends without any means.

The more laws and order are made prominent, the more thieves and robbers there will be.

AWAKE! FEAR! FIRE! FOES! AWAKE! FEAR! FIRE! FOES! AWAKE! AWAKE!

Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled.

Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it.

It is up to us to produce better-quality movies.

Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very opposite applies with the judges.

I went into the business for the money, and the art grew out of it. If people are disillusioned by that remark, I can't help it. It's the truth.

Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the men are strong, the women are pretty, and the children are above-average.

There is no proverb that is not true.

Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically but oblivious to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank, and due to an overdose of flouride as a child

Never have so many understood so little about so much.

I'd be a poorer man if I'd never seen an eagle fly.

If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.

Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city until about his 35th year, when he became a Christian. [...] To him is ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia

If a man loses his reverence for any part of life, he will lose his reverence for all of life.

"I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?"

One good turn asketh another.

If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, it might well prolong his life.

What we wish, that we readily believe.

Perhaps the remembrance of these things will prove a source of future pleasure.

It is often the case that the man who can't tell a lie thinks he is the best judge of one.

What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space-launch-style "hold" for two to three hours, durin

Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to exactly the point of most pressure.

There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.

If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish.

Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.

I knew her before she was a virgin.

The world wants to be deceived.

Perhaps no person can be a poet, or even enjoy poetry without a certain unsoundness of mind.

Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, but remember, it didn't help the rabbit.

Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high, they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.

A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator.

It is so stupid of modern civilisation to have given up believing in the devil when he is the only explanation of it.

Don't go to bed with no price on your head.

If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry.

If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, it might well prolong his life.

I'm going to raise an issue and stick it in your ear.

One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.

Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more spectacular adventure starring... Tippy, the Wonder Dog!

Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives.

Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to examine the laws of heat.

He jests at scars who never felt a wound.

A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies, scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom.

I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men

What fools these mortals be.

Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation. In an instant, armed troops surroun

The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.

Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations Various signs in Poland: Right turn toward immediate outside. Go soothingly in the snow, as there lurk the ski demons. Five o'clock tea at all hours. In a men's washroom in Sidney:

But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in 1877, was the phonograph, which could soo

In dwelling, be close to the land. In meditation, delve deep into the heart. In dealing with others, be gentle and kind. In speech, be true. In work, be competent. In action, be careful of your timing.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind the railroad yards."

It is through symbols that man consciously or unconsciously lives, works and has his being.

You have to run as fast as you can just to stay where you are. If you want to get anywhere, you'll have to run much faster.

Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent and original in your work.

If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world.

"Are you police officers?" "No, ma'am. We're musicians."

Well, the handwriting is on the floor.

The notes blatted skyward as they rose over the Canada geese, feathered rumps mooning the day, webbed appendages frantically pedaling unseen bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by cruel Nature's maxim, 'Ya wanna eat, ya gotta work,' and a

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

Too much of everything is just enough.

You tread upon my patience.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

I recognize terror as the finest emotion and so I will try to terrorize the reader. But if I find that I cannot terrify, I will try to horrify, and if I find that I cannot horrify, I'll go for the gross-out.

American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference between the men's room and the women's room with

It's from Casablanca. I've been waiting all my life to use that line.

No house should ever be on any hill or on anything. It should be of the hill, belonging to it.

I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education.

Fourteen years in the professor dodge has taught me that one can argue ingeniously on behalf of any theory, applied to any piece of literature. This is rarely harmful, because normally no-one reads such essays.

For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say "Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something.

It is easy to find fault, if one has that disposition. There was once a man who, not being able to find any other fault with his coal, complained that there were too many prehistoric toads in it.

Something's rotten in the state of Denmark.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Men are superior to women.

The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used.

Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations Sign on a cabin door of a Soviet Black Sea cruise liner: Helpsavering apparata in emergings behold many whistles! Associate the stringing apparata about the bosums and meet behind, flee then t

Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l.

Events are not affected, they develop.

Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in.

The true way goes over a rope which is not stretched at any great height but just above the ground. It seems more designed to make people stumble than to be walked upon.

The world is full of people who have never, since childhood, met an open doorway with an open mind.

Ever get the feeling that the world's on tape and one of the reels is missing?

Flame on!

Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his followers. One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She

The mind is its own place, and in itself Can make a Heav'n of Hell, a Hell of Heav'n.

The future is a race between education and catastrophe.

If the ends don't justify the means, then what does?

A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)

So you think that money is the root of all evil. Have you ever asked what is the root of money?

The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.

Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.