Objectivity is to a newspaper what virtue is to a woman.

In Hollywood, all marriages are happy. It's trying to live together afterwards that causes the problems.

Instead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better.

A man's house is his castle.

Those who have had no share in the good fortunes of the mighty Often have a share in their misfortunes.

HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., motion that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate amendment making changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. The Senate amendment was an amendment to the

Force has no place where there is need of skill.

The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind.

Well, he didn't know what to do, so he decided to look at the government, to see what they did, and scale it down and run his life that way.

It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.

The better the state is established, the fainter is humanity. To make the individual uncomfortable, that is my task.

By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve.

[Americans] are a race of convicts and ought to be thankful for anything we allow them short of hanging.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity: (1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a

Indeed, the first noble truth of Buddhism, usually translated as `all life is suffering,' is more accurately rendered `life is filled with a sense of pervasive unsatisfactoriness.'

Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both yes and no.

Our business in life is not to succeed but to continue to fail in high spirits.

All the waters of the earth are in the armpit of the Great Frog.

Nonsense and beauty have close connections.

The world is your exercise-book, the pages on which you do your sums. It is not reality, although you can express reality there if you wish. You are also free to write nonsense, or lies, or to tear the pages.

Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l.

To think contrary to one's era is heroism. But to speak against it is madness.

I will make you shorter by the head.

The truth is rarely pure, and never simple.

Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.

There is always one thing to remember: writers are always selling somebody out.

Have you ever stopped to think what it would be like to have a woman President? "I can't deal with the Russians today. Not now. I've got my period."

Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.

Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. By Order of the Author

"Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong."

Once I belonged to a group that really had THE WORD. I fought like hell for them. But another group came along and exposed the word of my group as shallow and degenerate. They had a better word. So I quit the first group and lost all the friends

Innovation is hard to schedule.

Texas is Hell on woman and horses.

So you think that money is the root of all evil. Have you ever asked what is the root of money?

L'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare.

I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem.

You're all clear now, kid. Now blow this thing so we can all go home.

General notions are generally wrong.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.

The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions.

Don't get mad, get even.

Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.

Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations Sign on a cabin door of a Soviet Black Sea cruise liner: Helpsavering apparata in emergings behold many whistles! Associate the stringing apparata about the bosums and meet behind, flee then t

Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with royal-blue chickens.

I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike.

It'll be just like Beggars' Canyon back home.

The sky is blue so we know where to stop mowing.

The smallest worm will turn being trodden on.

Mum's the word.

Rotten wood cannot be carved.

Look before you leap.

Love may laugh at locksmiths, but he has a profound respect for money bags.

XI: If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would get twice as much done. If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty times as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all the managers would fly off. XII: I

When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is not far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere.

"Rights" is a fictional abstraction. No one has "Rights", neither machines nor flesh-and-blood. Persons... have opportunities, not rights, which they use or do not use.

So little time, so little to do.

Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.

Music in the soul can be heard by the universe.

There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary as 'unearned income.'

If you hype something and it succeeds, you're a genius

"What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you didn't believe in God." "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's not the mean and stupid Go

I have just enough white in me to make my honesty questionable.

Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse.

Well, we'll really have a party, but we've gotta post a guard outside.

He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him.

Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind the tree."

No good deed goes unpunished.

With all the talent around, it's sort of amazing that a woman could be up here with us.

A kind of Batman of contemporary letters.

[Maturity consists in the discovery that] there comes a critical moment where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand more and more that there is something which cannot be understood.

Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with a valentine.

To say you got a vote of confidence would be to say you needed a vote of confidence.

The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.

The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal.

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.

This night methinks is but the daylight sick.

"Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five hundred."

Heaven and earth were created all together in the same instant, on October 23rd, 4004 B.C. at nine o'clock in the morning.

My father, a good man, told me, "Never lose your ignorance; you cannot replace it."

By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death.

Americans' greatest fear is that America will turn out to have been a phenomenon, not a civilization.

Look, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters, con-men. That's the way businesses get started. That's the way this country was built.

It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look, which morally we can do. T

When I reflect upon the number of disagreeable people who I know who have gone to a better world, I am moved to lead a different life.

Why attack God? He may be as miserable as we are.

Another day, another dollar.

If the ends don't justify the means, then what does?

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?

The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt.

This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.

Here's to women. Would that we could fall into her arms without falling into her hands.

When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life.

The old complaint that mass culture is designed for eleven-year-olds is of course a shameful canard. The key age has traditionally been more like fourteen.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths good theatre.

The most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage in the country is the one on which you resell it.

If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end.

"Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none."

Politics, like religion, hold up the torches of matrydom to the reformers of error.

Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.

Talkers are no good doers.

Time goes, you say? Ah no! Time stays, *we* go.

"Well, it's garish, ugly, and derelicts have used it for a toilet. The rides are dilapidated to the point of being lethal, and could easily maim or kill innocent little children." "Oh, so you don't like it?" "Don't like it? I'm CRAZY for it."

"I understand this is your first dead client," Sabian was saying. The absurdity of the statement made me want to laugh but they don't call me Deadpan Allie and lie.

In my experience, if you have to keep the lavatory door shut by extending your left leg, it's modern architecture.

Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth *___and* fresher

People who develop the habit of thinking of themselves as world citizens are fulfilling the first requirement of sanity in our time.

I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs.

Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits.

In the highest society, as well as in the lowest, woman is merely an instrument of pleasure.

It is annoying to be honest to no purpose.

Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you.

Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you will pay only the station-to-station rate.

Don't everyone thank me at once!

The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly important thing to people.

Work Hard. Rock Hard. Eat Hard. Sleep Hard. Grow Big. Wear Glasses If You Need 'Em.

That's no moon...

The Worst Jury A murder trial at Manitoba in February 1978 was well advanced, when one juror revealed that he was completely deaf and did not have the remotest clue what was happening. The judge, Mr. Justice Solomon, asked him if he had heard any

No excellent soul is exempt from a mixture of madness.

Men will fuck mud.

A classic is something that everyone wants to have read and nobody wants to read.

Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is liked getting kicked out of the Book-of-the-Month Club.

We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.

"You little (such a one who, while wearing a copper nose ring, stands in a footbath atop Mount Raruaruaha during a heavy thunderstorm and shouts that Alohura, Goddess of Lightning, has the facial features of a diseased uloruaha root)!"

The Priest's grey nimbus in a niche where he dressed discreetly. I will not sleep here tonight. Home also I cannot go. A voice, sweetened and sustained, called to him from the sea. Turning the curve he waved his hand. A sleek brown head, a seal's,

It is bad luck to be superstitious.

Rascal, am I? Take THAT!

Chance is perhaps the work of God when He did not want to sign.

"You mean, if you allow the master to be uncivil, to treat you any old way he likes, and to insult your dignity, then he may deem you fit to hear his view of things?" "Quite the contrary. You must defend your integrity, assuming you have integrit

The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun.

Sensible and responsible women do not want to vote.

For if there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life.

A light wife doth make a heavy husband.

If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.

Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.

The more the merrier.

Every man who has reached even his intellectual teens begins to suspect that life is no farce; that it is not genteel comedy even; that it flowers and fructifies on the contrary out of the profoundest tragic depths of the essential death in which its

Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral.

France is a country where the money falls apart and you can't tear the toilet paper.

It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim of infanticide.

If you are shooting under 80 you are neglecting your business; over 80 you are neglecting your golf.

Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.

All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you can deduct the cost of your house, beca

You get what you pay for.

"I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it."

Cold is God's way of teling us to burn more Catholics.

The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one.

It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.

Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books.

What I tell you three times is true.

All hope abandon, ye who enter here!

Boston State House is the hub of the Solar System. You couldn't pry that out of a Boston man if you had the tire of all creation straightened out for a crowbar.

The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me.

Too much is just enough.

I've got a very bad feeling about this.

Walking on water wasn't built in a day.

"Necessity is the mother of invention" is a silly proverb. "Necessity is the mother of futile dodges" is much nearer the truth.

So so is good, very good, very excellent good: and yet it is not; it is but so so.

"It's a summons." "What's a summons?" "It means summon's in trouble."

I'm glad I was not born before tea.

Mundus vult decipi decipiatur ergo.

Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.

"Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like `Amadeus'? I could have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing."

God gave man two ears and one tongue so that we listen twice as much as we speak.

Without adventure, civilization is in full decay.

The executioner is, I hear, very expert, and my neck is very slender.

Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result.

When I have one foot in the grave I will tell the truth about women. I shall tell it, jump into my coffin, pull the lid over me, and say, "Do what you like now."

For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels, each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall was a gate.

Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, but remember, it didn't help the rabbit.

[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity: (1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a

It is the business of the future to be dangerous.

It is imperative when flying coach that you restrain any tendency toward the vividly imaginative. For although it may momentarily appear to be the case, it is not at all likely that the cabin is entirely inhabited by crying babies smoking inexpensiv

We tried to close Ohio's borders and ran into a Constitutional problem. There's a provision in the Constitution that says you can't close your borders to interstate commerce, and garbage is a form of interstate commerce.

The time was the 19th of May, 1780. The place was Hartford, Connecticut. The day has gone down in New England history as a terrible foretaste of Judgement Day. For at noon the skies turned from blue to grey and by mid-afternoon had blackened over s

He knows not how to know who knows not also how to unknow.

Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.

I always wake up at the crack of ice.

A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.

Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed down-stairs a step at a time.

The ripest fruit falls first.

"World conquerors sometimes become fools, but fools never become world conquerors."

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news.

Plus ,ca change, plus c'est la m^eme chose. [The more things change, the more they remain the same.]

The two party system ... is a triumph of the dialectic. It showed that two could be one and one could be two and had probably been fabricated by Hegel for the American market on a subcontract from General Dynamics.

One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.

When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship.

"You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten."

One of my favorite jokes, a telling commentary on Jewish mothers' capacity to lay on guilt, involves the mother who gave her son two neckties on Chanuka. The boy hurried into his bedroom, ripped off the tie he was wearing, put on one of the ties his

'Naomi, sex at noon taxes.' I moan. Never odd or even. A man, a plan, a canal, Panama. Madam, I'm Adam. Sit on a potato pan, Otis. Sit on Otis.

Suffering alone exists, none who suffer; The deed there is, but no doer thereof; Nirvana is, but no one is seeking it; The Path there is, but none who travel it.

The Poems, all three hundred of them, may be summed up in one of their phrases: "Let our thoughts be correct".

Optimism is the content of small men in high places.

To be patriotic, hate all nations but your own; to be religious, all sects but your own; to be moral, all pretenses but your own.

The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.

We all declare for liberty, but in using the same word we do not all mean the same thing.

Art is Nature speeded up and God slowed down.

It has been said [by Anatole France], "it is not by amusing oneself that one learns," and, in reply: "it is *____only* by amusing oneself that one can learn."

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

An aphorism is never exactly true; it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths.

Thieves respect property; they merely wish the property to become their property that they may more perfectly respect it.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

The so-called lessons of history are for the most part the rationalizations of the victors. History is written by the survivors.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

It is better to live rich than to die rich.

Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.

Beauty is one of the rare things which does not lead to doubt of God.

In my end is my beginning.

Not to laugh, not to lament, not to curse, but to understand.

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.

I am just a nice, clean-cut Mongolian boy.

You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for freedom and liberty.

What fools these mortals be.

When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.

I reverently believe that the maker who made us all makes everything in New England, but the weather. I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in New England, fo

Too much of everything is just enough.

Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the world is love. The poor know that it is money.

The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped marker.

Turn the other cheek.

Would that my hand were as swift as my tongue.

There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go to erase it.

Politics, as a practice, whatever its professions, has always been the systematic organisation of hatreds.

Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.

Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves.

Political history is far too criminal a subject to be a fit thing to teach children.

He thought of Musashi, the Sword Saint, standing in his garden more than three hundred years ago. "What is the 'Body of a rock'?" he was asked. In answer, Musashi summoned a pupil of his and bid him kill himself by slashing his abdomen with a knife.

The human instinct to censor thrives, as it always will, living in irrepressible conflict with the human instinct to speak. Outrage, self-righteousness, and paranoia feed the maw of censorship. Squelching speech, however, never reduces society's net

Human resources are human first, and resources second.

Non-Determinism is not meant to be reasonable.

"All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands."

Remember that there is an outside world to see and enjoy.

Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent and original in your work.

There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an opinion.

A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.