She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.

I've got a very bad feeling about this.

Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to examine the laws of heat.

A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.

A game can by God repent or we'll punish it. That's how they did it in Salem in the seventeenth century, and that's how we'll do it now.

The ratio of literacy to illiteracy is a constant, but nowadays the illiterates can read.

Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it.

Five bicycles make a volkswagen, seven make a truck.

Suffering alone exists, none who suffer; The deed there is, but no doer thereof; Nirvana is, but no one is seeking it; The Path there is, but none who travel it.

If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.

There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need the money; the second that you have something to say that you think the world should know; the third is that you can't think what to do with the long winter evenings.

The coast was clear.

In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy.

Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry.

He who knows others is wise. He who knows himself is enlightened.

Whatever doesn't succeed in two months and a half in California will never succeed.

If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied harder.

Mandrell: "You know what I think?" Doctor: "Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you don't think, right?"

There is always one thing to remember: writers are always selling somebody out.

Let your conscience be your guide.

Art is Nature speeded up and God slowed down.

Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.

The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power.

Praise the sea; on shore remain.

"If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far."

I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men

Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. By Order of the Author

If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it around. Trouble creates a capacity to handle it. I don't say embrace trouble; that's as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say meet it as a friend, for you'll see a lot of it and y

... before I could come to any conclusion it occurred to me that my speech or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility. What did it matter what anyone knew or ignored? What did it matter who was manager? One gets sometimes s

The superior man understands what is right; the inferior man understands what will sell.

He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man.

A woman's a woman until the day she dies, but a man's only a man as long as he can.

Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very opposite applies with the judges.

A sad spectacle. If they be inhabited, what a scope for misery and folly. If they be not inhabited, what a waste of space.

It is a wise father that knows his own child.

The chief enemy of creativity is "good" sense

Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these.

The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose.

Would that my hand were as swift as my tongue.

An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest.

Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves.

To accuse others for one's own misfortunes is a sign of want of education. To accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun. To accuse neither oneself nor others shows that one's education is complete.

Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high, they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.

Lay on, MacDuff, and curs'd be him who first cries, "Hold, enough!".

Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the men are strong, the women are pretty, and the children are above-average.

I think we're in trouble.

A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator.

This is the first age that's paid much attention to the future, which is a little ironic since we may not have one.

We have art that we do not die of the truth.

Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental Anguish. You would sue: * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions

The tree in which the sap is stagnant remains fruitless.

The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to do what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with them while they do it.

Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in.

You can observe a lot just by watching.

Love the sea? I dote upon it

I have a very strange feeling about this...

One big pile is better than two little piles.

"You boys lookin' for trouble?" "Sure. Whaddya got?"

There are no answers, only cross-references.

Nonsense and beauty have close connections.

It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something.

I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two highly trained certified public accountants.

Optimism is the content of small men in high places.

Whom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods.

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.

This was the most unkindest cut of all.

Rembrandt is not to be compared in the painting of character with our extraordinarily gifted English artist, Mr. Rippingille.

The philosopher's treatment of a question is like the treatment of an illness.

I never cheated an honest man, only rascals. They wanted something for nothing. I gave them nothing for something.

Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.

The only cultural advantage LA has over NY is that you can make a right turn on a red light.

The Priest's grey nimbus in a niche where he dressed discreetly. I will not sleep here tonight. Home also I cannot go. A voice, sweetened and sustained, called to him from the sea. Turning the curve he waved his hand. A sleek brown head, a seal's,

"Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it."

The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves.

You can fool all the people all of the time if the advertising is right and the budget is big enough.

It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two years.

Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very opposite applies with the judges.

"God gives burdens; also shoulders" Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech at the end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish saying; I can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth though; why wo

A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies, scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom.

God gave man two ears and one tongue so that we listen twice as much as we speak.

It is ridiculous to call this an industry. This is not. This is rat eat rat, dog eat dog. I'll kill 'em, and I'm going to kill 'em before they kill me. You're talking about the American way of survival of the fittest.

Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away someone else's cash.

Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.

What one believes to be true either is true or becomes true.

Every man who has reached even his intellectual teens begins to suspect that life is no farce; that it is not genteel comedy even; that it flowers and fructifies on the contrary out of the profoundest tragic depths of the essential death in which its

Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic table.

Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.

I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.

A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation. It takes an abundance of imagination, to be sure.

I will make you shorter by the head.

There's no justice in this world.

Naked children have never played in _o_u_r fountains, and I.M. Pei will never be happy on Route 66.

The great question that has never been answered and which I have not yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul is: WHAT DOES A WOMAN WANT?

Public use of any portable music system is a virtually guaranteed indicator of sociopathic tendencies.

IV. The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. Such an object is inevitably price

The pollution's at that awkward stage. Too thick to navigate and too thin to cultivate.

He draweth out the thread of his verbosity finer than the staple of his argument.

We're only in it for the volume.

It looks like it's up to me to save our skins. Get into that garbage chute, flyboy!

I think we are in Rats' Alley where the dead men lost their bones.

"Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five hundred."

I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men

You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day.

Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves.

Briefly stated, the findings are that when presented with an array of data or a sequence of events in which they are instructed to discover an underlying order, subjects show strong tendencies to perceive order and causality in random arrays, to perc

Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, but remember, it didn't help the rabbit.

All art is but imitation of nature.

The ideal voice for radio may be defined as showing no substance, no sex, no owner, and a message of importance for every housewife.

If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.

Ignorance is never out of style. It was in fashion yesterday, it is the rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow.

If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry.

Joe Cool always spends the first two weeks at college sailing his frisbee.

Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with a valentine.

The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money completely surrounded by people who want some.

My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.

You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred.

Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.

Everything takes longer, costs more, and is less useful.

A sinking ship gathers no moss.

Immature poets imitate, mature poets steal.

Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it.

Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth gr

Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.

Like ya know? Rock 'N Roll is an esoteric language that unlocks the creativity chambers in people's brains, and like totally activates their essential hipness, which of course is like totally necessary for saving the earth, like because the first th

From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back. That is the point that must be reached.

Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.

There is no fool to the old fool.

Save the Whales

If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish.

No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the Continent, a part of the maine; if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea, Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne we

Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game - it, and high taxes.

He who fears the unknown may one day flee from his own backside.

The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.

Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent and original in your work.

If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.

Practice is the best of all instructors.

Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep". Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference: "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling." Obvious, isn't

If it doesn't smell yet, it's pretty fresh.

Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.

Walking on water wasn't built in a day.

Credit ... is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man.

Never buy from a rich salesman.

Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away.

I reverently believe that the maker who made us all makes everything in New England, but the weather. I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in New England, fo

By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death.

"I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?"

At ebb tide I wrote a line upon the sand, and gave it all my heart and all my soul. At flood tide I returned to read what I had inscribed and found my ignorance upon the shore.

Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort of like a shell leaving the nut behind.

Divorce is a game played by lawyers.

Plots are like girdles. Hidden, they hold your interest; revealed, they're of no interest except to fetishists. Like girdles, they attempt to contain an uncontainable experience.

Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered. I myself would say that it had merely been detected.

Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.

My dear People. My dear Bagginses and Boffins, and my dear Tooks and Brandybucks, and Grubbs, and Chubbs, and Burrowses, and Hornblowers, and Bolgers, Bracegirdles, Goodbodies, Brockhouses and Proudfoots. Also my good Sackville Bagginses that I w

Philosophy will clip an angel's wings.

The eye is a menace to clear sight, the ear is a menace to subtle hearing, the mind is a menace to wisdom, every organ of the senses is a menace to its own capacity. ... Fuss, the god of the Southern Ocean, and Fret, the god of the Northern Ocean, h

Words have a longer life than deeds.

Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be surprised at how little you have.

I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some kind of loophole.

To be or not to be.

October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks in. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August, and February.

Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.

I have had my television aerials removed. It's the moral equivalent of a prostate operation.

To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D.

No evil can happen to a good man.

You can never do just one thing.

He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom.

The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average Russian's readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement of some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet reflection followed by sudden preventi

Nice guys finish last.

Live fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway!

It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that English is the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many other languages "You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case.

"Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work"

I have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per cent an idiot.

A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.

Age before beauty; and pearls before swine.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches.

One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.

The final delusion is the belief that one has lost all delusions.

A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.

There's no such thing as a free lunch.

I am a deeply superficial person.

Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

Charity begins at home.

Don't guess

Small things make base men proud.

Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade themselves that they have a better idea.

Instead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better.

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

Remark of Dr. Baldwin's concerning upstarts: We don't care to eat toadstools that think they are truffles.

Would it help if I got out and pushed?

For fools rush in where angels fear to tread.

Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else; this is not advice, it is merely custom.

Facts, apart from their relationships, are like labels on empty bottles.

There are three infallible ways of pleasing an author, and the three form a rising scale of compliment: 1, to tell him you have read one of his books; 2, to tell him you have read all of his books; 3, to ask him to let you read the manuscript of his

Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait. [If youth but knew, if old age but could.]

In dwelling, be close to the land. In meditation, delve deep into the heart. In dealing with others, be gentle and kind. In speech, be true. In work, be competent. In action, be careful of your timing.

You mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond the obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason, and an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you.

A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around she deserved.

Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive it. If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps.

What an artist dies with me!

It is a lesson which all history teaches wise men, to put trust in ideas, and not in circumstances.

What does education often do? It makes a straight cut ditch of a free meandering brook.

Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying.

Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.

A woman takes off her claim to respect along with her garments.

"There is no Father Christmas. It's just a marketing ploy to make low income parents' lives a misery." "... I want you to picture the trusting face of a child, streaked with tears because of what you just said." "I want you to picture the face of

If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.

May you live in uninteresting times.

When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the thing," it's the money.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

It's hard to drive at the limit, but it's harder to know where the limits are.

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.

If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could work for with a great deal of enjoyment.

Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near the earth's surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people to do so.

Education is what survives when what has been learnt has been forgotten.

New Jersey is not the armpit of the nation; it's the asshole of the universe.

Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.

To know Edina is to reject it.

"Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school.

I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours. Great song.

He jests at scars who never felt a wound.

A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility.

Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground

The better part of valor is discretion.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey.

The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me.

The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine we own.

San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.

Burnt Sienna. That's the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas.

[The French Riviera is] a sunny place for shady people.

Do not seek death; death will find you. But seek the road which makes death a fulfillment.

"Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever

No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.