Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high, they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches.

To have died once is enough.

"Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five hundred."

I always had a repulsive need to be something more than human.

Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their handbags are full.

Leave no stone unturned.

Where there is much light there is also much shadow.

Great acts are made up of small deeds.

I will make you shorter by the head.

A sinking ship gathers no moss.

Here's to women. Would that we could fall into her arms without falling into her hands.

The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because it isn't here.

Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they would. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect that much.

A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it.

Faith is under the left nipple.

Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, but remember, it didn't help the rabbit.

Art is Nature speeded up and God slowed down.

The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist knows it.

If I had done everything I'm credited with, I'd be speaking to you from a laboratory jar at Harvard.

"Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it."

A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.

Nothing succeeds like excess.

If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.

An atom-blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways.

The means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers, always end up on their ends without any means.

Getting into trouble is easy.

You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements.

It is not enough that I should succeed. Others must fail.

Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two points.

Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the villagers gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," said Nasrudin, "I only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the villagers but the stupidest ran off to spr

"We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!"

No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.

Never buy from a rich salesman.

I love treason but hate a traitor.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

All men know the utility of useful things; but they do not know the utility of futility.

The Soviet Union, which has complained recently about alleged anti-Soviet themes in American advertising, lodged an official protest this week against the Ford Motor Company's new campaign: "Hey you stinking, fat Russian, get off my Ford Escort."

There is nothing new except what has been forgotten.

Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy.

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

Nothing recedes like success.

God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.

The man who has never been flogged has never been taught.

I think we're in trouble.

Intellect annuls Fate. So far as a man thinks, he is free.

Look, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters, con-men. That's the way businesses get started. That's the way this country was built.

... why should you waste a single moment of *your* life seeming to be something you don't want to be? Lord, that's so simple. If you hate your job, quit it. If your friends are tedious, go out and find new friends. You are queer, you lucky fool, a

"You mean, if you allow the master to be uncivil, to treat you any old way he likes, and to insult your dignity, then he may deem you fit to hear his view of things?" "Quite the contrary. You must defend your integrity, assuming you have integrit

Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you will pay only the station-to-station rate.

Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort of like a shell leaving the nut behind.

Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait. [If youth but knew, if old age but could.]

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

The average Ph.D thesis is nothing but the transference of bones from one graveyard to another.

You have all eternity to be cautious in when you're dead.

He that composes himself is wiser than he that composes a book.

He who writes with no misspelled words has prevented a first suspicion on the limits of his scholarship or, in the social world, of his general education and culture.

Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves.

He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know.

Competitive fury is not always anger. It is the true missionary's courage and zeal in facing the possibility that one's best may not be enough.

If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we would all be millionaires.

Maybe ain't ain't so correct, but I notice that lots of folks who ain't using ain't ain't eatin' well.

Unprovided with original learning, unformed in the habits of thinking, unskilled in the arts of composition, I resolved to write a book.

You have to run as fast as you can just to stay where you are. If you want to get anywhere, you'll have to run much faster.

The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine we own.

Somehow I reached excess without ever noticing when I was passing through satisfaction.

VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot. This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to

My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my family, it seems, begins where yours left off.

The problem that we thought was a problem was, indeed, a problem, but not the problem we thought was the problem.

A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.

We can embody the truth, but we cannot know it.

A full belly makes a dull brain.

... but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women were convicted of witch

The use of money is all the advantage there is to having money.

There is nothing so easy but that it becomes difficult when you do it reluctantly.

It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do.

Alas, I am dying beyond my means.

The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobb

And ever has it been known that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.

The only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane.

Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.

Women are nothing but machines for producing children.

Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult.

Burnt Sienna. That's the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas.

Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves.

I have had my television aerials removed. It's the moral equivalent of a prostate operation.

Two heads are better than one.

Art is anything you can get away with.

But if you wish at once to do nothing and to be respectable nowdays, the best pretext is to be at work on some profound study.

Sometimes, too long is too long.

A good name lost is seldom regained. When character is gone, all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever.

Three o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too late or a little too early for anything you want to do.

A man who cannot seduce men cannot save them either.

My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it.

In dwelling, be close to the land. In meditation, delve deep into the heart. In dealing with others, be gentle and kind. In speech, be true. In work, be competent. In action, be careful of your timing.

A furore Normanorum libera nos, O Domine! [From the fury of the norsemen deliver us, O Lord!]

We have nowhere else to go... this is all we have.

Where do I find the time for not reading so many books?

Small is beautiful.

The salary of the chief executive of the large corporation is not a market award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal gesture by the individual to himself.

With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time they make a law it's a joke.

Anything that is worth doing has been done frequently. Things hitherto undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth.

The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak.

The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late and owns the worm farm.

How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?

A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth.

How should they answer?

If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could work for with a great deal of enjoyment.

"Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him."

"You boys lookin' for trouble?" "Sure. Whaddya got?"

All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for fun. Money's just the way we keep score.

Adhere to your own act, and congratulate yourself if you have done something strange and extravagant, and broken the monotony of a decorous age.

For fools rush in where angels fear to tread.

Trifles make perfection, and perfection is no trifle.

Whatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts.

No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings.

Sweet April showers do spring May flowers.

Every young man should have a hobby: learning how to handle money is the best one.

May you live in uninteresting times.

Adde parvum parvo manus acervus erit. [Add little to little and there will be a big pile.]

You must be the change you wish to see in the world.

Man is the measure of all things.

In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!"

The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used.

"If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination."

Life is too short to be taken seriously.

The first requisite for immortality is death.

The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it.

Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit. [There is no great genius without some touch of madness.]

"The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain."

The Worst Jury A murder trial at Manitoba in February 1978 was well advanced, when one juror revealed that he was completely deaf and did not have the remotest clue what was happening. The judge, Mr. Justice Solomon, asked him if he had heard any

"Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich."

Do not seek death; death will find you. But seek the road which makes death a fulfillment.

Watch your mouth, kid, or you'll find yourself floating home.

To do two things at once is to do neither.

IF I HAD A MINE SHAFT, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way.

Flame on!

No is no negative in a woman's mouth.

Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of government, therefore,

It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased.

Remember that there is an outside world to see and enjoy.

If ever the pleasure of one has to be bought by the pain of the other, there better be no trade. A trade by which one gains and the other loses is a fraud.

Tallulah Bankhead barged down the Nile last night as Cleopatra and sank.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Our business in life is not to succeed but to continue to fail in high spirits.

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths good theatre.

Charity begins at home.

Don't everyone thank me at once!

Better tried by twelve than carried by six.

The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average Russian's readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement of some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet reflection followed by sudden preventi

For thee the wonder-working earth puts forth sweet flowers.

Dustin Farnum: Why, yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats! Oliver Herford: Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of it!

Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think about sex at all... they become lawyers.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental Anguish. You would sue: * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions

Of all men's miseries, the bitterest is this: to know so much and have control over nothing.

No two persons ever read the same book.

Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high, they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.

A drama critic is a person who surprises a playwright by informing him what he meant.

A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion.

A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of.

He that teaches himself has a fool for a master.

For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.

I paid a visit to my local precinct in Greenwich Village and asked a sergeant to show me some rape statistics. He politely obliged. That month there had been thirty-five rape complaints, an advance of ten over the same month for the previous year.

Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.

By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death.

[Maturity consists in the discovery that] there comes a critical moment where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand more and more that there is something which cannot be understood.

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

Let sleeping dogs lie.

The philosopher's treatment of a question is like the treatment of an illness.

Do not use that foreign word "ideals". We have that excellent native word "lies".

If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads.

Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in.

Men are superior to women.

If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit at a typewriter and open a vein.

Generally speaking, the Way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death.

Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent and original in your work.

... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If somebody gets handed a name like "H.

"There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him during the trial."

I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours. Great song.

The root of all superstition is that men observe when a thing hits, but not when it misses.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

Save the Whales

Life is the living you do, Death is the living you don't do.

The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie.

Necessity has no law.

An actor's a guy who if you ain't talkin' about him, ain't listening.

Optimism is the content of small men in high places.

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

We're constantly being bombarded by insulting and humiliating music, which people are making for you the way they make those Wonder Bread products. Just as food can be bad for your system, music can be bad for your spirtual and emotional feelings. I

It's from Casablanca. I've been waiting all my life to use that line.

When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.

Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it.

God helps them that help themselves.

A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies, scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom.

Education and religion are two things not regulated by supply and demand. The less of either the people have, the less they want.

The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic devices, such as television sets and VCR's, to the destruction centers, where trained personnel would whack them (the devices) with sledgehammers. With their devices thus permanent

The road to ruin is always in good repair, and the travellers pay the expense of it.

She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives.

Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even worse.

A man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles in the road.

The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars."

Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall on our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!!

If a man loses his reverence for any part of life, he will lose his reverence for all of life.

Knowledge is power.

Mandrell: "You know what I think?" Doctor: "Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you don't think, right?"

You get what you pay for.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

The coast was clear.

If there is no wind, row.

Real wealth can only increase.

So you think that money is the root of all evil. Have you ever asked what is the root of money?

It is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have to do, that makes life blessed.

The price of success in philosophy is triviality.

Like, if I'm not for me, then fer shure, like who will be? And if, y'know, if I'm not like fer anyone else, then hey, I mean, what am I? And if not now, like I dunno, maybe like when? And if not Who, then I dunno, maybe like the Rolling Stones?

The trouble with opportunity is that it always comes disguised as hard work.

Philosophy will clip an angel's wings.

There is no comfort without pain; thus we define salvation through suffering.

The college graduate is presented with a sheepskin to cover his intellectual nakedness.

Joe Cool always spends the first two weeks at college sailing his frisbee.

What we do not understand we do not possess.

If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it around. Trouble creates a capacity to handle it. I don't say embrace trouble; that's as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say meet it as a friend, for you'll see a lot of it and y

Why be a man when you can be a success?

With her body, woman is more sincere than man; but with her mind she lies. And when she lies, she does not believe herself.

Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much better.

Live fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway!

were found to be wearing neckwear that was tighter than their neck circumference. The visual discrimination of the 22 subjects was evaluated using a critical flicker frequency (CFF) test. Results of the CFF test indicated that tight neckwear signifi

Life is like a 10 speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.

There's no justice in this world.

When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.

The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.