God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through.

Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe? Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business signs to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a word, as in: WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHEC

The sky is blue so we know where to stop mowing.

Look before you leap.

There is nothing new except what has been forgotten.

Mankind is poised midway between the gods and the beasts.

The philosopher's treatment of a question is like the treatment of an illness.

Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them.

The future not being born, my friend, we will abstain from baptizing it.

There's nothing worse for your business than extra Santa Clauses smoking in the men's room.

The first rule of all intelligent tinkering is to keep all the parts.

Anything that is worth doing has been done frequently. Things hitherto undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth.

Well, the handwriting is on the floor.

Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.

He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news.

The possession of a book becomes a substitute for reading it.

I hate dying.

None love the bearer of bad news.

The term "fire" brings up visions of violence and mayhem and the ugly scene of shooting employees who make mistakes. We will now refer to this process as "deleting" an employee (much as a file is deleted from a disk). The employee is simply there o

Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow!

The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his memos.

Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there.

Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled.

Never appeal to a man's "better nature." He may not have one. Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.

Turn the other cheek.

I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches.

Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they would. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect that much.

When the English language gets in my way, I walk over it.

It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters.

Those who do things in a noble spirit of self-sacrifice are to be avoided at all costs.

"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away".

The pollution's at that awkward stage. Too thick to navigate and too thin to cultivate.

Honesty's the best policy.

The man-hating woman, like the cold woman, is largely imaginary. She is simply a woman who has done her best to snare a man and has failed.

XXVI: If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed on each other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to chance. XXVII: Rank does not intimidate hardware. Neither does the lack of rank. XXVIII: It is better to be the r

The road to Hades is easy to travel.

Wait for that wisest of all counselors, Time.

The root of all superstition is that men observe when a thing hits, but not when it misses.

All men know the utility of useful things; but they do not know the utility of futility.

If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it around. Trouble creates a capacity to handle it. I don't say embrace trouble; that's as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say meet it as a friend, for you'll see a lot of it and y

"You mean, if you allow the master to be uncivil, to treat you any old way he likes, and to insult your dignity, then he may deem you fit to hear his view of things?" "Quite the contrary. You must defend your integrity, assuming you have integrit

Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.

A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator.

It is better to have loved and lost

Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it.

Well, he thought, since neither Aristotelian Logic nor the disciplines of Science seemed to offer much hope, it's time to go beyond them... Drawing a few deep even breaths, he entered a mental state practiced only by Masters of the Universal Way of

A man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles in the road.

Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.

When the speaker and he to whom he is speaks do not understand, that is metaphysics.

Many hands make light work.

The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves.

In every hierarchy the cream rises until it sours.

Nothing succeeds like success.

There is no fool to the old fool.

Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.

In the highest society, as well as in the lowest, woman is merely an instrument of pleasure.

You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company.

Some women should be beaten regularly, like gongs.

What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.

A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth.

When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.

"Life is too important to take seriously."

I just need enough to tide me over until I need more.

There's no such thing as an original sin.

God help those who do not help themselves.

Think lucky. If you fall in a pond, check your pockets for fish.

A woman who is guided by the head and not by the heart is a social pestilence: she has all the defects of the passionate and affectionate woman, with none of her compensations; she is without pity, without love, without virtue, without sex.

There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish.

You can observe a lot just by watching.

Execute every act of thy life as though it were thy last.

Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith.

There are no accidents whatsoever in the universe.

Facts are the enemy of truth.

What!? Me worry?

We're all in this alone.

It is better to live rich than to die rich.

What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence.

Walking on water wasn't built in a day.

Small is beautiful.

The use of money is all the advantage there is to having money.

Remembering is for those who have forgotten.

Credit ... is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man.

Plus ,ca change, plus c'est la m^eme chose. [The more things change, the more they remain the same.]

One learns to itch where one can scratch.

The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to do what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with them while they do it.

Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson Bay, left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. Using a bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and great effort pushing boulders into a single

From the cradle to the coffin underwear comes first.

The man who runs may fight again.

God gave man two ears and one tongue so that we listen twice as much as we speak.

A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion.

What one fool can do, another can.

You get what you pay for.

With all the talent around, it's sort of amazing that a woman could be up here with us.

Look, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters, con-men. That's the way businesses get started. That's the way this country was built.

A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.

By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death.

There's no such thing as a free lunch.

Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting.

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.

Innovation is hard to schedule.

When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the thing," it's the money.

If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly.

There has been a little distress selling on the stock exchange.

Every person, all the events in your life are there because you have drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you.

If you are shooting under 80 you are neglecting your business; over 80 you are neglecting your golf.

Nitwit ideas are for emergencies. You use them when you've got nothing else to try. If they work, they go in the Book. Otherwise you follow the Book, which is largely a collection of nitwit ideas that worked.

Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.

One good turn deserves another.

What fools these mortals be.

Chance is perhaps the work of God when He did not want to sign.

There are many of us in this old world of ours who hold that things break about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get about the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summer and the poor get it in the winter.

Everything is possible. Pass the word.

Force has no place where there is need of skill.

Perhaps the remembrance of these things will prove a source of future pleasure.

Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.

If we don't survive, we don't do anything else.

It is ridiculous to call this an industry. This is not. This is rat eat rat, dog eat dog. I'll kill 'em, and I'm going to kill 'em before they kill me. You're talking about the American way of survival of the fittest.

If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism.

Forgive and forget.

God helps them that help themselves.

A woman takes off her claim to respect along with her garments.

Men freely believe that what they wish to desire.

The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist knows it.

Just remember, wherever you go, there you are.

It is bad luck to be superstitious.

Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.

When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.

If a thing's worth having, it's worth cheating for.

A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.

To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.

Love may laugh at locksmiths, but he has a profound respect for money bags.

Nothing recedes like success.

A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation. It takes an abundance of imagination, to be sure.

One of your most ancient writers, a historian named Herodotus, tells of a thief who was to be executed. As he was taken away he made a bargain with the king: in one year he would teach the king's favorite horse to sing hymns. The other prisoners wa

I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and I wasn't tempted to buy

We were so poor we couldn't afford a watchdog. If we heard a noise at night, we'd bark ourselves.

The problem that we thought was a problem was, indeed, a problem, but not the problem we thought was the problem.

"No job too big; no fee too big!"

Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods.

Human resources are human first, and resources second.

He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him.

Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.

I never cheated an honest man, only rascals. They wanted something for nothing. I gave them nothing for something.

Getting into trouble is easy.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

Kindness is the beginning of cruelty.

Women are nothing but machines for producing children.

... a thing called Ethics, whose nature was confusing but if you had it you were a High-Class Realtor and if you hadn't you were a shyster, a piker and a fly-by-night. These virtues awakened Confidence and enabled you to handle Bigger Propositions.

To restore a sense of reality, I think Walt Disney should have a Hardluckland.

The more the merrier.

Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and long were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his pain and his aloneness without regret?

While there's life, there's hope.

She applies her lipstick in spite of its contents: "greasy rouge, containing crushed and dried insect corpses for coloring, beeswax for stiffness, and olive oil to help it flow - the latter having the unfortunate tendency to go rancid several hours a

If you sell diamonds, you cannot expect to have many customers. But a diamond is a diamond even if there are no customers.

Beauty is one of the rare things which does not lead to doubt of God.

Genius is pain.

"The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain."

A beginning is the time for taking the most delicate care that balances are correct.

The world is your exercise-book, the pages on which you do your sums. It is not reality, although you can express reality there if you wish. You are also free to write nonsense, or lies, or to tear the pages.

Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?

Life is one long struggle in the dark.

It is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final.

An aphorism is never exactly true; it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths.

Who does not trust enough will not be trusted.

When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.

Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it.

A witty saying proves nothing.

Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall.

Every man who has reached even his intellectual teens begins to suspect that life is no farce; that it is not genteel comedy even; that it flowers and fructifies on the contrary out of the profoundest tragic depths of the essential death in which its

With her body, woman is more sincere than man; but with her mind she lies. And when she lies, she does not believe herself.

A good reputation is more valuable than money.

If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell.

Life is like a 10 speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.

Aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star.

The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

"The jig's up, Elman." "Which jig?"

You have to run as fast as you can just to stay where you are. If you want to get anywhere, you'll have to run much faster.

Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying.

Competitive fury is not always anger. It is the true missionary's courage and zeal in facing the possibility that one's best may not be enough.

Practice yourself what you preach.

Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral.

Reality is bad enough, why should I tell the truth?

In charity there is no excess.

I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.

"Do you think there's a God?" "Well, ____SOMEbody's out to get me!"

Alas, I am dying beyond my means.

The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.

An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see a great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures. I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment. I have given up everything I was aske

Don't go to bed with no price on your head.

Mental power tended to corrupt, and absolute intelligence tended to corrupt absolutely, until the victim eschewed violence entirely in favor of smart solutions to stupid problems.

The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of management is that success equals skill.

Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.

It is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have to do, that makes life blessed.

Three minutes' thought would suffice to find this out; but thought is irksome and three minutes is a long time.

The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch someone else doing it wrong, without commenting.

If a guru falls in the forest with no one to hear him, was he really a guru at all?

The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak.

Our business in life is not to succeed but to continue to fail in high spirits.

Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief.

The only happiness lies in reason; all the rest of the world is dismal. The highest reason, however, I see in the work of the artist, and he may experience it as such. Happiness lies in the swiftness of feeling and thinking: all the rest of the worl

Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.

Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.

It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off the ground.

A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility.

One picture is worth more than ten thousand words.

Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home tool sets for under $4?" An excellent question. Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where they

Money doesn't talk, it swears.

We have lingered long enough on the shores of the Cosmic Ocean.

You must be the change you wish to see in the world.

If your happiness depends on what somebody else does, I guess you do have a problem.

The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque Enclosed."

Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.

We can embody the truth, but we cannot know it.

Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near the earth's surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people to do so.

Necessity hath no law.

It is so stupid of modern civilisation to have given up believing in the devil when he is the only explanation of it.

Life is the childhood of our immortality.

Honesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty.

As well look for a needle in a bottle of hay.

Let your conscience be your guide.

God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.

Patience is the best remedy for every trouble.

You can never do just one thing.

There is no proverb that is not true.

He who has the courage to laugh is almost as much a master of the world as he who is ready to die.

Ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach, Or what's a heaven for ?

Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and resisting the current what each had

I know on which side my bread is buttered.

A society in which women are taught anything but the management of a family, the care of men, and the creation of the future generation is a society which is on its way out.

As failures go, attempting to recall the past is like trying to grasp the meaning of existence. Both make one feel like a baby clutching at a basketball: one's palms keep sliding off.

Let sleeping dogs lie.

(1) Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood. (2) If your stomach antagonizes you, pacify it with cool thoughts. (3) Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move. (4) Go very lightly on the vices, such as carrying on in society, as

The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be able to correct them.

Think sideways!