It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the r

Sensible and responsible women do not want to vote.

If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women you've got in the house.

Let sleeping dogs lie.

Lo! Men have become the tool of their tools.

A journey of a thousand miles starts under one's feet.

Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks.

Among all savage beasts, none is found so harmful as woman.

A furore Normanorum libera nos, O Domine! [From the fury of the norsemen deliver us, O Lord!]

Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.

Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future.

It is annoying to be honest to no purpose.

Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.

The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie.

I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men

Language is a virus from another planet.

Never look a gift horse in the mouth.

In my end is my beginning.

Your wig steers the gig.

He knows not how to know who knows not also how to unknow.

If a thing's worth having, it's worth cheating for.

Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch" may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used whe

There is no cure for birth and death other than to enjoy the interval.

The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves.

He who fears the unknown may one day flee from his own backside.

We are what we pretend to be.

Those who do things in a noble spirit of self-sacrifice are to be avoided at all costs.

I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said, "What'll you have, Bud"? I said," I don't know, surprise me". So he showed me a nude picture of my wife.

If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.

The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because it isn't here.

Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it.

... a thing called Ethics, whose nature was confusing but if you had it you were a High-Class Realtor and if you hadn't you were a shyster, a piker and a fly-by-night. These virtues awakened Confidence and enabled you to handle Bigger Propositions.

Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.

An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God. Some of these eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as possible.

Fortune and love befriend the bold.

If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.

Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.

If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could work for with a great deal of enjoyment.

Certainly the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win.

Men will fuck mud.

He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man.

When the speaker and he to whom he is speaks do not understand, that is metaphysics.

Forgive and forget.

If it doesn't smell yet, it's pretty fresh.

It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our offense consists in doubting it.

I just need enough to tide me over until I need more.

By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve.

Facts, apart from their relationships, are like labels on empty bottles.

Beauty is one of the rare things which does not lead to doubt of God.

The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine we own.

Well, the handwriting is on the floor.

Facts are the enemy of truth.

The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly important thing to people.

Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch" may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used whe

Things are not always what they seem.

The superfluous is very necessary.

If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.

No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.

The executioner is, I hear, very expert, and my neck is very slender.

We are governed not by armies and police but by ideas.

"If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination."

If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it around. Trouble creates a capacity to handle it. I don't say embrace trouble; that's as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say meet it as a friend, for you'll see a lot of it and y

Necessity has no law.

If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.

When the English language gets in my way, I walk over it.

Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge.

Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and resisting the current what each had

Eighteen goddess-like daughters are not equal to one son with a hump.

The Poems, all three hundred of them, may be summed up in one of their phrases: "Let our thoughts be correct".

The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist knows it.

Nothing recedes like success.

Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.

It is so stupid of modern civilisation to have given up believing in the devil when he is the only explanation of it.

Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.

The Bible says that woman was the last thing God made. Evidently He made her on Saturday night. She reveals his fatigue.

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back the when it begins to rain.

The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning, and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished.

Nice guys finish last.

Leave no stone unturned.

A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.

Chapter 1 The story so far: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.

"Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong."

A good scapegoat is hard to find. A guilty conscience is the mother of invention.

The farther you go, the less you know.

It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure.

Without adventure, civilization is in full decay.

I'm glad I was not born before tea.

My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my family, it seems, begins where yours left off.

Whom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods.

A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation. It takes an abundance of imagination, to be sure.

Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas" until you are told that those rooms are "punched out." Once punched out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such.

A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation.

Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental Anguish. You would sue: * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions

From the cradle to the coffin underwear comes first.

Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be surprised at how little you have.

I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some kind of loophole.

It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters.

Dignity is like a flag. It flaps in a storm.

It is imperative when flying coach that you restrain any tendency toward the vividly imaginative. For although it may momentarily appear to be the case, it is not at all likely that the cabin is entirely inhabited by crying babies smoking inexpensiv

Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves.

The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.

It is through symbols that man consciously or unconsciously lives, works and has his being.

Plastic... Aluminum... These are the inheritors of the Universe! Flesh and Blood have had their day... and that day is past!

A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time of trouble.

And tomorrow will be like today, only more so.

What!? Me worry?

Faith is under the left nipple.

Imagine what we can imagine!

Mundus vult decipi decipiatur ergo.

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to examine the laws of heat.

L'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare.

Aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star.

The pollution's at that awkward stage. Too thick to navigate and too thin to cultivate.

Men are superior to women.

If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.

Do not despair of life. You have no doubt force enough to overcome your obstacles. Think of the fox prowling through wood and field in a winter night for something to satisfy his hunger. Notwithstanding cold and hounds and traps, his race survives

Two heads are better than one.

Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.

Nonsense and beauty have close connections.

Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe? Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business signs to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a word, as in: WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHEC

Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.

The only alliance I would make with the Women's Liberation Movement is in bed.

Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they would. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect that much.

Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves.

HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., motion that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate amendment making changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. The Senate amendment was an amendment to the

To do two things at once is to do neither.

"Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him."

Charity begins at home.

If you live long enough, you'll see that every victory turns into a defeat.

Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.

If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry.

Execute every act of thy life as though it were thy last.

Look before you leap.

I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.

To lead people, you must follow behind.

"The jig's up, Elman." "Which jig?"

"We're not talking about the same thing," he said. "For you the world is weird because if you're not bored with it you're at odds with it. For me the world is weird because it is stupendous, awesome, mysterious, unfathomable; my interest has been to

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment.

Piece of cake!

What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space-launch-style "hold" for two to three hours, durin

Money doesn't talk, it swears.

In the long run we are all dead.

We are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one.

So little time, so little to do.

Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth gr

Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.

A highly intelligent man should take a primitive woman. Imagine if on top of everything else, I had a woman who interfered with my work.

"Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five hundred."

Everything is possible. Pass the word.

Music in the soul can be heard by the universe.

If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

If you hype something and it succeeds, you're a genius

If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.

If you want divine justice, die.

Competitive fury is not always anger. It is the true missionary's courage and zeal in facing the possibility that one's best may not be enough.

There is no proverb that is not true.

Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is liked getting kicked out of the Book-of-the-Month Club.

"Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work"

Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.

Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?

Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait. [If youth but knew, if old age but could.]

Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods.

With her body, woman is more sincere than man; but with her mind she lies. And when she lies, she does not believe herself.

Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than being flat broke and having a stomach ache.

It is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final.

In the highest society, as well as in the lowest, woman is merely an instrument of pleasure.

One picture is worth more than ten thousand words.

Flame on!

A rolling stone gathers no moss.

The proof of the pudding is in the eating.

I love treason but hate a traitor.

Don't guess

Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.

Scratch the average female and you'll find a purring bundle... at the ready to love and honor, bake a torte and still produce quintuplets.

Then, gently touching my face, she hesitated for a moment as her incredible eyes poured forth into mine love, joy, pain, tragedy, acceptance, and peace. "'Bye for now," she said warmly.

All men know the utility of useful things; but they do not know the utility of futility.

The great question that has never been answered and which I have not yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul is: WHAT DOES A WOMAN WANT?

Our business in life is not to succeed but to continue to fail in high spirits.

Confucius say too much.

It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim of infanticide.

There is no comfort without pain; thus we define salvation through suffering.

We all live in a state of ambitious poverty.

If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.

If a shameless woman expects to be defiled and then dies of her fierce love because you do not consent, will chastity also be homicide?

He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

... but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women were convicted of witch

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

If I love you, what business is it of yours?

A man is known by the company he organizes.

The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.

The best you get is an even break.

A prediction is worth twenty explanations.

Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade, since it consists principally of dealings with men.

A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks.

I know not how I came into this, shall I call it a dying life or a living death?

... why should you waste a single moment of *your* life seeming to be something you don't want to be? Lord, that's so simple. If you hate your job, quit it. If your friends are tedious, go out and find new friends. You are queer, you lucky fool, a

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

...He who laughs does not believe in what he laughs at, but neither does he hate it. Therefore, laughing at evil means not preparing oneself to combat it, and laughing at good means denying the power through which good is self-propagating.

Sweet April showers do spring May flowers.

We rarely find anyone who can say he has lived a happy life, and who, content with his life, can retire from the world like a satisfied guest.

Everything takes longer, costs more, and is less useful.

The root of all superstition is that men observe when a thing hits, but not when it misses.

To restore a sense of reality, I think Walt Disney should have a Hardluckland.

I understand why you're confused. You're thinking too much.

Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental Anguish. You would sue: * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions

Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away someone else's cash.

Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake?

After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon to be created." "This is true," He replied.

... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *___did* quote anybody in this business, it probably would be gibberish.

Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.

If the ends don't justify the means, then what does?

Life is one long struggle in the dark.

When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.

A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.

This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly, because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has "deregulated" the airline industry. What t

The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his memos.

To generalize is to be an idiot.

Events are not affected, they develop.

Another day, another dollar.

You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.

It seems to me that nearly every woman I know wants a man who knows how to love with authority. Women are simple souls who like simple things, and one of the simplest is one of the simplest to give. ... Our family airedale will come clear across t

The superior man understands what is right; the inferior man understands what will sell.

Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.

Sic transit gloria mundi. [So passes away the glory of this world.]

Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances.

The error of youth is to believe that intelligence is a substitute for experience, while the error of age is to believe experience is a substitute for intelligence.

He who despairs over an event is a coward, but he who holds hopes for the human condition is a fool.

When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.

Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.

Call on God, but row away from the rocks.

Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it's out of date.)

It is better to have loved and lost

Life is the childhood of our immortality.

(1) Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood. (2) If your stomach antagonizes you, pacify it with cool thoughts. (3) Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move. (4) Go very lightly on the vices, such as carrying on in society, as