Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life.

Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion.

It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed.

Nitwit ideas are for emergencies. You use them when you've got nothing else to try. If they work, they go in the Book. Otherwise you follow the Book, which is largely a collection of nitwit ideas that worked.

Better tried by twelve than carried by six.

The truth is rarely pure, and never simple.

Knowledge is power.

The greatest productive force is human selfishness.

The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money completely surrounded by people who want some.

Most general statements are false, including this one.

There is more to life than increasing its speed.

Where there is much light there is also much shadow.

Lookie, lookie, here comes cookie...

General notions are generally wrong.

A furore Normanorum libera nos, O Domine! [From the fury of the norsemen deliver us, O Lord!]

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities, requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by tur

Woman is generally so bad that the difference between a good and a bad woman scarcely exists.

A highly intelligent man should take a primitive woman. Imagine if on top of everything else, I had a woman who interfered with my work.

We have nowhere else to go... this is all we have.

I know not how I came into this, shall I call it a dying life or a living death?

Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?

If you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk. If you wish to be happy for three days, get married. If you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it. If you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish.

Just remember, wherever you go, there you are.

Love may laugh at locksmiths, but he has a profound respect for money bags.

The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.

Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.

The only reward of virtue is virtue.

When you die, you lose a very important part of your life.

Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these.

A full belly makes a dull brain.

And tomorrow will be like today, only more so.

Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in.

Well, he thought, since neither Aristotelian Logic nor the disciplines of Science seemed to offer much hope, it's time to go beyond them... Drawing a few deep even breaths, he entered a mental state practiced only by Masters of the Universal Way of

The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the number of participants.

You have all eternity to be cautious in when you're dead.

The man who runs may fight again.

There must be more to life than having everything.

But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in 1877, was the phonograph, which could soo

A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time of trouble.

My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed.

"Necessity is the mother of invention" is a silly proverb. "Necessity is the mother of futile dodges" is much nearer the truth.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death.

The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch someone else doing it wrong, without commenting.

Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously; and do not take what happens either to yourself or your work seriously.

The tree in which the sap is stagnant remains fruitless.

Business will be either better or worse.

It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off the ground.

Life is one long struggle in the dark.

No small art is it to sleep: it is necessary for that purpose to keep awake all day.

There are no accidents whatsoever in the universe.

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.

The rights and interests of the laboring man will be protected and cared for not by our labor agitators, but by the Christian men to whom God in his infinite wisdom has given control of property interests of the country, and upon the successful manag

There seems no plan because it is all plan.

It is so stupid of modern civilisation to have given up believing in the devil when he is the only explanation of it.

I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike.

If you would know the value of money, go try to borrow some.

Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images.

Would that my hand were as swift as my tongue.

Dignity is like a flag. It flaps in a storm.

Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest amount of hot air.

A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper.

The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak.

He knows not how to know who knows not also how to unknow.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.

There is always something new out of Africa.

When the English language gets in my way, I walk over it.

I: The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin with a silk sow. The same is true of money. II: If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it would probably be twice as good as yesterday was. III: There are

Turn the other cheek.

With women, I've got a long bamboo pole with a leather loop on the end of it. I slip the loop around their necks so they can't get away or come too close. Like catching snakes.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away?

A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.

Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy.

Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.

Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you.

If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could work for with a great deal of enjoyment.

It shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the municipality.

In every hierarchy the cream rises until it sours.

In dwelling, be close to the land. In meditation, delve deep into the heart. In dealing with others, be gentle and kind. In speech, be true. In work, be competent. In action, be careful of your timing.

If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads.

"There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him during the trial."

Rotten wood cannot be carved.

Man must shape his tools lest they shape him.

Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith.

Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than being flat broke and having a stomach ache.

Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.

Without adventure, civilization is in full decay.

Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.

Some women should be beaten regularly, like gongs.

Or you or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company.

The fact that it works is immaterial.

... "fire" does not matter, "earth" and "air" and "water" do not matter. "I" do not matter. No word matters. But man forgets reality and remembers words. The more words he remembers, the cleverer do his fellows esteem him. He looks upon the great

Adde parvum parvo manus acervus erit. [Add little to little and there will be a big pile.]

Leave no stone unturned.

Were there no women, men might live like gods.

The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.

Plus ,ca change, plus c'est la m^eme chose. [The more things change, the more they remain the same.]

The superfluous is very necessary.

Three o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too late or a little too early for anything you want to do.

Walking on water wasn't built in a day.

If a thing's worth having, it's worth cheating for.

It is only the man whose intellect is clouded by his sexual impulse that could give the name of the fair sex to that undersized, narrow-shouldered, broad-hipped, and short-legged race.

Believe everything you hear about the world; nothing is too impossibly bad.

If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Who goeth a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing.

Brahma said: Well, after hearing ten thousand explanations, a fool is no wiser. But an intelligent man needs only two thousand five hundred.

One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to represent a creative meeting, and the ratio c

There's nothing worse for your business than extra Santa Clauses smoking in the men's room.