From the cradle to the coffin underwear comes first.

The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist "Jack."

Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near the earth's surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people to do so.

He thought of Musashi, the Sword Saint, standing in his garden more than three hundred years ago. "What is the 'Body of a rock'?" he was asked. In answer, Musashi summoned a pupil of his and bid him kill himself by slashing his abdomen with a knife.

Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas" until you are told that those rooms are "punched out." Once punched out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such.

We are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one.

God was satisfied with his own work, and that is fatal.

Nothing succeeds like success.

What does education often do? It makes a straight cut ditch of a free meandering brook.

It is better to live rich than to die rich.

Suffering alone exists, none who suffer; The deed there is, but no doer thereof; Nirvana is, but no one is seeking it; The Path there is, but none who travel it.

Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.

Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe? Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business signs to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a word, as in: WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHEC

"I'm dying," he croaked. "My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted . "You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized. "That's no beagle, it's a mongrel," she muttered. "The fire is going out," he bellowed. "Bad marksmanship," the h

Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.

The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate knowledge of its ugly side.

Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.

Never appeal to a man's "better nature." He may not have one. Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.

Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it.

CF&C stole it, fair and square.

I'm always looking for a new idea that will be more productive than its cost.

Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much better.

Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere. Climb the mountain just a little to test it's a mountain. From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain.

There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish.

Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away someone else's cash.

Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

No excellent soul is exempt from a mixture of madness.

She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.

Hard reality has a way of cramping your style.

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.

Three minutes' thought would suffice to find this out; but thought is irksome and three minutes is a long time.

When I have one foot in the grave I will tell the truth about women. I shall tell it, jump into my coffin, pull the lid over me, and say, "Do what you like now."

The optimum committee has no members.

A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.

Nothing succeeds like excess.

No one born with a mouth and a need is "innocent".

Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they had towels from my house.

Not to laugh, not to lament, not to curse, but to understand.

I just got off the phone with Sonny Barger [President of the Hell's Angels]. He wants me to appear as a character witness for him at his murder trial and said he'd be glad to appear as a character witness on my behalf if I ever needed one. Needless

Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.

It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our offense consists in doubting it.

Who goeth a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing.

Facts, apart from their relationships, are like labels on empty bottles.

Most general statements are false, including this one.

A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time of trouble.

A word to the wise is enough.

Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.

All hope abandon, ye who enter here!

The superior man understands what is right; the inferior man understands what will sell.

Never tell people how to do things. Tell them WHAT to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.

There is a good deal of solemn cant about the common interests of capital and labour. As matters stand, their only common interest is that of cutting each other's throat.

Indeed, the first noble truth of Buddhism, usually translated as `all life is suffering,' is more accurately rendered `life is filled with a sense of pervasive unsatisfactoriness.'

Where do I find the time for not reading so many books?

If we don't survive, we don't do anything else.

One good turn asketh another.

Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away someone else's cash.

Truth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominy of him that brought her birth.

Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than being flat broke and having a stomach ache.

You climb to reach the summit, but once there, discover that all roads lead down.

In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty lashes with the cat or the dog,

Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped.

"Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever

A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it.

Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief.

If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.

That Xanthippe's husband should have become so great a philosopher is remarkable. Amid all the scolding, to be able to think! But he could not write: that was impossible. Socrates has not left us a single book.

Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods.

Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think about sex at all... they become lawyers.

Arrakis teaches the attitude of the knife - chopping off what's incomplete and saying: "Now it's complete because it's ended here."

Well, you know, no matter where you go, there you are.

In every hierarchy the cream rises until it sours.

Another day, another dollar.

Plus ,ca change, plus c'est la m^eme chose. [The more things change, the more they remain the same.]

It is better to have loved and lost

By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death.

What soon grows old? Gratitude.

"If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination."

While there's life, there's hope.

All men know the utility of useful things; but they do not know the utility of futility.

The road to Hades is easy to travel.

One of your most ancient writers, a historian named Herodotus, tells of a thief who was to be executed. As he was taken away he made a bargain with the king: in one year he would teach the king's favorite horse to sing hymns. The other prisoners wa

Faith is under the left nipple.

Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late and owns the worm farm.

Competitive fury is not always anger. It is the true missionary's courage and zeal in facing the possibility that one's best may not be enough.

Diary of a Young Girl LITE(tm)

Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait. [If youth but knew, if old age but could.]

One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to represent a creative meeting, and the ratio c

We were so poor we couldn't afford a watchdog. If we heard a noise at night, we'd bark ourselves.

God helps them that help themselves.

Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little more time for dreaming.

Words have a longer life than deeds.

For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.

Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves.

Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge.

There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary as 'unearned income.'

You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements.

Well, we'll really have a party, but we've gotta post a guard outside.

The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine we own.

"There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him during the trial."

Anything is possible on paper.

I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.

Look ere ye leap.

Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.

Those who educate children well are more to be honored than parents, for these only gave life, those the art of living well.

We have reason to be afraid. This is a terrible place.

Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.

I consider a new device or technology to have been culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder.

A man is known by the company he organizes.

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back the when it begins to rain.

If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.

In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment was expressed by Thomas K. Co

If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell.