The profession of book writing makes horse racing seem like a solid, stable business.

Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives.

There seems no plan because it is all plan.

And ever has it been known that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.

Words have a longer life than deeds.

Life is one long struggle in the dark.

The Angels want to wear my red shoes.

There is a good deal of solemn cant about the common interests of capital and labour. As matters stand, their only common interest is that of cutting each other's throat.

A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation.

The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it.

Don't guess

I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men

If you lose a son you can always get another, but there's only one Maltese Falcon.

Let's remind ourselves that last year's fresh idea is today's cliche.

... a thing called Ethics, whose nature was confusing but if you had it you were a High-Class Realtor and if you hadn't you were a shyster, a piker and a fly-by-night. These virtues awakened Confidence and enabled you to handle Bigger Propositions.

Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.

Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall.

Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch" may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used whe

Since everything in life is but an experience perfect in being what it is, having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well burst out in laughter.

Among all savage beasts, none is found so harmful as woman.

Let sleeping dogs lie.

All art is but imitation of nature.

"I have to convince you, or at least snow you ..."

Knowledge is power.

A good scapegoat is hard to find. A guilty conscience is the mother of invention.

According to my best recollection, I don't remember.

Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high, they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.

It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do.

Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental Anguish. You would sue: * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions

There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary as 'unearned income.'

Rascal, am I? Take THAT!

Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.

I hate dying.

Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives.

There's no such thing as an original sin.

Divorce is a game played by lawyers.

Competitive fury is not always anger. It is the true missionary's courage and zeal in facing the possibility that one's best may not be enough.

Ben, why didn't you tell me?

My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed.

A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.

BS: You remind me of a man. B: What man? BS: The man with the power. B: What power? BS: The power of voodoo. B: Voodoo? BS: You do. B: Do what? BS: Remind me of a man. B: What man? BS: The man with the power...

I didn't believe in reincarnation in any of my other lives. I don't see why I should have to believe in it in this one.

Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.

Art is either plagiarism or revolution.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.

Very few people do anything creative after the age of thirty-five. The reason is that very few people do anything creative before the age of thirty-five.

It is only the man whose intellect is clouded by his sexual impulse that could give the name of the fair sex to that undersized, narrow-shouldered, broad-hipped, and short-legged race.

You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.

Fame lost its appeal for me when I went into a public restroom and an autograph seeker handed me a pen and paper under the stall door.

One good turn asketh another.

Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.

There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life is the process of discovering them over and over and over.

Men of lofty genius when they are doing the least work are most active.

No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the Continent, a part of the maine; if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea, Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne we

If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could work for with a great deal of enjoyment.

"I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path."

When the ax entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us!"

As well look for a needle in a bottle of hay.

One big pile is better than two little piles.

You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company.

My tears stuck in their little ducts, refusing to be jerked.

From the cradle to the coffin underwear comes first.

"You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks."

Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it.

Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune.

One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to represent a creative meeting, and the ratio c

A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks.

TV is chewing gum for the eyes.

Plots are like girdles. Hidden, they hold your interest; revealed, they're of no interest except to fetishists. Like girdles, they attempt to contain an uncontainable experience.

"There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him during the trial."

If I could reach, I'd never leave the house.

The final delusion is the belief that one has lost all delusions.

A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper.

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.

If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive!

He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man.

The first requisite for immortality is death.

Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it's out of date.)

It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion.

A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it.

For myself, I can only say that I am astonished and somewhat terrified at the results of this evening's experiments. Astonished at the wonderful power you have developed, and terrified at the thought that so much hideous and bad music may be put on

Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

It is better to live rich than to die rich.

You always introduce the younger person to the older person, using the wording: "Miss Brown, I'd like to introduce you to an older person" (unless her name is not "Miss Brown"). If you do not know a person's age, ask for a driver's license and a ma

Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves.

When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.

I have had my television aerials removed. It's the moral equivalent of a prostate operation.

Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it!

God help those who do not help themselves.

Do not despair of life. You have no doubt force enough to overcome your obstacles. Think of the fox prowling through wood and field in a winter night for something to satisfy his hunger. Notwithstanding cold and hounds and traps, his race survives

I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.

He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.

The executioner is, I hear, very expert, and my neck is very slender.

The best you get is an even break.

Some women should be beaten regularly, like gongs.

There's no such thing as a free lunch.

Every young man should have a hobby: learning how to handle money is the best one.

Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, but remember, it didn't help the rabbit.

Everything takes longer, costs more, and is less useful.

Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

Fear is the greatest salesman.

Life would be tolerable but for its amusements.

Use an accordion. Go to jail.

We can embody the truth, but we cannot know it.

Sorry 'bout that sweat, honey. That's just holy water.

History is nothing but a collection of fables and useless trifles, cluttered up with a mass of unnecessary figures and proper names.

When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.

It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something.

"We maintain that the very foundation of our way of life is what we call free enterprise," said Cash McCall, "but when one of our citizens show enough free enterprise to pile up a little of that profit, we do our best to make him feel that he ought t

In my end is my beginning.