We have no scorched earth policy. We have a policy of scorched Communists.

It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which raises the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody not to.

"Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you."

Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.

I never did give anybody hell. I just told the truth and they thought it was hell.

Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women it is merely a good excuse not to play football.

"Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends."

Real wealth can only increase.

How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?

Luck, that's when preparation and opportunity meet.

"Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of normal routines, for children and adults alike."

Anything that is worth doing has been done frequently. Things hitherto undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth.

Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness; And from that full meridian of my glory I haste now to my setting. I shall fall, Like a bright exhalation in the evening And no man see me more.

"You boys lookin' for trouble?" "Sure. Whaddya got?"

Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these.

If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The "professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on t

Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses, is in the eye of the beholder.

If you took all of the grains of sand in the world, and lined them up end to end in a row, you'd be working for the government!

It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our offense consists in doubting it.

If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.

The rights and interests of the laboring man will be protected and cared for not by our labor agitators, but by the Christian men to whom God in his infinite wisdom has given control of property interests of the country, and upon the successful manag

We should have a Vollyballocracy. We elect a six-pack of presidents. Each one serves until they screw up, at which point they rotate.

The Angels want to wear my red shoes.

Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying.

What does education often do? It makes a straight cut ditch of a free meandering brook.

A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper.

The sky is blue so we know where to stop mowing.

"Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around, I'd rather lie around. No contest."

He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry attacks democracy itself.

In regards to Oral Roberts' claim that God told him that he would die unless he received $20 million by March, God's lawyers have stated that their client has not spoken with Roberts for several years. Off the record, God has stated that "If I had w

There never was a good war or a bad peace.

When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see the sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten.

The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars."

Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort of like a shell leaving the nut behind.

Democracy becomes a government of bullies, tempered by editors.

Practical politics consists in ignoring facts.

He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know.

America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization.

United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the Christmas season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of all the military forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of all the patriots of every persuasion. Meanwhil

I stick my neck out for nobody.

There can be no daily democracy without daily citizenship.

You're either part of the solution or part of the problem.

If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom; and the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money it values more, it will lose that, too.

When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff.

We have reason to be afraid. This is a terrible place.

The two oldest professions in the world have been ruined by amateurs.

Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral.

The first rule of all intelligent tinkering is to keep all the parts.

All phone calls are obscene.

There is no comfort without pain; thus we define salvation through suffering.

"What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?"

This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly, because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has "deregulated" the airline industry. What t

If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end.

"MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thoughts."

You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred.

General notions are generally wrong.

Every young man should have a hobby: learning how to handle money is the best one.

Music in the soul can be heard by the universe.

I would much rather have men ask why I have no statue, than why I have one.

Faith is under the left nipple.

A good name lost is seldom regained. When character is gone, all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever.

I'll turn over a new leaf.

Indomitable in retreat; invincible in advance; insufferable in victory.

There is nothing so easy but that it becomes difficult when you do it reluctantly.

I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the Roman Church, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant Church, nor by any Church that I know of. My own mind is my own Church.

Imagine me going around with a pot belly. It would mean political ruin.

Politics is the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn't happen.

"...The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!" "Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to feel interested. "No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little vexed. "That's what the name is called. The nam

Moneyliness is next to Godliness.

Delay not, Caesar. Read it instantly.

My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind.

Dear Ann Landers: My husband watches the TV preachers every Sunday. He claims one minister said there are 350 different sins. My husband wants to know if you can get the list. He thinks he is missing something.

I think... I think it's in my basement... Let me go upstairs and check.

Odets, where is thy sting?

A witty saying proves nothing.

Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.

Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills.

Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even worse.

We all live in a state of ambitious poverty.

Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform.

He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue.

Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.

"If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination."

Force has no place where there is need of skill.

Once, I read that a man be never stronger than when he truly realizes how weak he is.

... [after the announcement of Vanguard] ... Secretary of Defense Charles Wilson (the same "Engine Charlie" who once told the Senate, "[F]or years I've thought that what was good for our country was good for General Motors, and vice versa," probably

What you want, what you're hanging around in the world waiting for, is for something to occur to you.

Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade, since it consists principally of dealings with men.

If atheism is to be used to express the state of mind in which God is identified with the unknowable, and theology is pronounced to be a collection of meaningless words about unintelligible chimeras, then I have no doubt, and I think few people doubt

If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.

Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.

It is better to have loved and lost

Credit ... is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man.

Perhaps no person can be a poet, or even enjoy poetry without a certain unsoundness of mind.

Have you ever stopped to think what it would be like to have a woman President? "I can't deal with the Russians today. Not now. I've got my period."

When I came back to Dublin I was courtmartialed in my absence and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.

Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.

God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.

With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time they make a law it's a joke.

Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century. Politics is about surviving until Friday afternoon.

You always introduce the younger person to the older person, using the wording: "Miss Brown, I'd like to introduce you to an older person" (unless her name is not "Miss Brown"). If you do not know a person's age, ask for a driver's license and a ma

The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to do what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with them while they do it.

When the President does it, that means it is not illegal.

Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation."

Swerve me? The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails, whereon my soul is grooved to run. Over unsounded gorges, through the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly I rush!

Life is the childhood of our immortality.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

I am just a nice, clean-cut Mongolian boy.

"Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western religion, Rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western science."

Money doesn't talk, it swears.

It is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have to do, that makes life blessed.