I will make you shorter by the head.

If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.

Talkers are no good doers.

"I'm dying," he croaked. "My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted . "You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized. "That's no beagle, it's a mongrel," she muttered. "The fire is going out," he bellowed. "Bad marksmanship," the h

A full belly makes a dull brain.

"Are you police officers?" "No, ma'am. We're musicians."

"The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain."

All of us should treasure his Oriental wisdom and his preaching of a Zen-like detachment, as exemplified by his constant reminder to clerks, tellers, or others who grew excited by his presence in their banks: "Just lie down on the floor and keep calm

Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing between the disastrous and the unpalatable.

The clergy successfully preached the doctrines of patience and pusillanimity; the active virtues of society were discouraged; and the last remains of a military spirit were buried in the cloister: a large portion of public and private wealth was cons

The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe.

"I'd like to start a new religion. One that doesn't use a dead young man as its logo."

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

Who dat who say "who dat" when I say "who dat"?

"That's no answer," Job said, "And for someone who's supposed to be omnipotent, let me tell you 'tabernacle' has only one l."

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.

Just once I would like to persuade the audience not to wear any article of blue denim. If only they could see themselves in a pair of brown corduroys like mine instead of this awful, boring blue denim. I don't enjoy the sky or sea as much as I used

It is ridiculous to call this an industry. This is not. This is rat eat rat, dog eat dog. I'll kill 'em, and I'm going to kill 'em before they kill me. You're talking about the American way of survival of the fittest.

Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his followers. One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She

It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is better still to be a live lion. And usually easier.

I never made a mistake in my life. I thought I did once, but I was wrong.

An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him. "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a mi

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

Not to laugh, not to lament, not to curse, but to understand.

Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the men are strong, the women are pretty, and the children are above-average.

A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. My advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to examine the laws of heat.

You never have to change anything you got up in the middle of the night to write.

Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result.

It is easy to find fault, if one has that disposition. There was once a man who, not being able to find any other fault with his coal, complained that there were too many prehistoric toads in it.

New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.

Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two points.

Illusion is the first of all pleasures.

Never take a resume seriously. Resumes only make money for the people who write the resumes. No resume ever tells an employer how many times a job applicant has had the clap. Why, indeed, would anyone hire a person based on a resume written by a

There is perhaps in every thing of any consequence, secret history, which it would be amusing to know, could we have it authentically communicated.

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

"I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed. Oh, I know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people I don't know yet

Never trust an automatic pistol or a D.A.'s deal.

... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *___did* quote anybody in this business, it probably would be gibberish.

Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.

We are governed not by armies and police but by ideas.

...He who laughs does not believe in what he laughs at, but neither does he hate it. Therefore, laughing at evil means not preparing oneself to combat it, and laughing at good means denying the power through which good is self-propagating.

The whole religious complexion of the modern world is due to the absence from Jerusalem of a lunatic asylum.

Trifles make perfection, and perfection is no trifle.

Great acts are made up of small deeds.

The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic devices, such as television sets and VCR's, to the destruction centers, where trained personnel would whack them (the devices) with sledgehammers. With their devices thus permanent

This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.

There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need the money; the second that you have something to say that you think the world should know; the third is that you can't think what to do with the long winter evenings.

I remember once being on a station platform in Cleveland at four in the morning. A black porter was carrying my bags, and as we were waiting for the train to come in, he said to me: "Excuse me, Mr. Cooke, I don't want to invade your privacy, but I h

He draweth out the thread of his verbosity finer than the staple of his argument.

She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.

At ebb tide I wrote a line upon the sand, and gave it all my heart and all my soul. At flood tide I returned to read what I had inscribed and found my ignorance upon the shore.

It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our offense consists in doubting it.

A drama critic is a person who surprises a playwright by informing him what he meant.

Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent.

When you are at Rome live in the Roman style; when you are elsewhere live as they live elsewhere.

The only thing that stops God from sending a second Flood is that the first one was useless.

A hundred years from now it is very likely that [of Twain's works] "The Jumping Frog" alone will be remembered.

America, how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood?

Everything is possible. Pass the word.

No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.

Harp not on that string.

I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some kind of loophole.

Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.

There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true.

Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.

Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think about sex at all... they become lawyers.

Immature poets imitate, mature poets steal.

Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations Sign on a cabin door of a Soviet Black Sea cruise liner: Helpsavering apparata in emergings behold many whistles! Associate the stringing apparata about the bosums and meet behind, flee then t

The term "fire" brings up visions of violence and mayhem and the ugly scene of shooting employees who make mistakes. We will now refer to this process as "deleting" an employee (much as a file is deleted from a disk). The employee is simply there o

I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.

My only love sprung from my only hate! Too early seen unknown, and known too late!

The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me.

It is often the case that the man who can't tell a lie thinks he is the best judge of one.

Show business is just like high school, except you get paid.

To use violence is to already be defeated.

If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Out of sight is out of mind.

I try to keep an open mind, but not so open that my brains fall out.

Age before beauty; and pearls before swine.

It is better to live rich than to die rich.

Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental Anguish. You would sue: * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions

Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home tool sets for under $4?" An excellent question. Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where they

Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental Anguish. You would sue: * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions

The first requisite for immortality is death.

The sky is blue so we know where to stop mowing.

Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away.

The Israelis are the Doberman pinschers of the Middle East. They treat the Arabs like postmen.

Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.

With women, I've got a long bamboo pole with a leather loop on the end of it. I slip the loop around their necks so they can't get away or come too close. Like catching snakes.

Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson Bay, left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. Using a bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and great effort pushing boulders into a single

By the middle 1880's, practically all the roads except those in the South, were of the present standard gauge. The southern roads were still five feet between rails. It was decided to change the gauge of all southern roads to standard, in one day

Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks.

People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war, or before an election.

People in general do not willingly read if they have anything else to amuse them.

Theology is an attempt to explain a subject by men who do not understand it. The intent is not to tell the truth but to satisfy the questioner.

Rembrandt is not to be compared in the painting of character with our extraordinarily gifted English artist, Mr. Rippingille.

How apt the poor are to be proud.

He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

I have ways of making money that you know nothing of.

The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better people, and don't come in clearly enough.

The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late and owns the worm farm.

... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.

In the plot, people came to the land; the land loved them; they worked and struggled and had lots of children. There was a Frenchman who talked funny and a greenhorn from England who was a fancy-pants but when it came to the crunch he was all courag

Luck can't last a lifetime, unless you die young.

A good name lost is seldom regained. When character is gone, all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever.

The less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag.

Your chances of getting hit by lightning go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and say, "Storms suck!"

"Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work"

I believe that the moment is near when by a procedure of active paranoiac thought, it will be possible to systematize confusion and contribute to the total discrediting of the world of reality.

What!? Me worry?

The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie.