"You boys lookin' for trouble?" "Sure. Whaddya got?"

Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

Plus ,ca change, plus c'est la m^eme chose. [The more things change, the more they remain the same.]

Since everything in life is but an experience perfect in being what it is, having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well burst out in laughter.

You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.

It's always darkest just before the lights go out.

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.

War spares not the brave, but the cowardly.

The human instinct to censor thrives, as it always will, living in irrepressible conflict with the human instinct to speak. Outrage, self-righteousness, and paranoia feed the maw of censorship. Squelching speech, however, never reduces society's net

The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.

A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around she deserved.

There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life is the process of discovering them over and over and over.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Luke, I'm yer father, eh. Come over to the dark side, you hoser.

When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.

One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned at the stake while the votes were being counted.

Set the cart before the horse.

Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill gives us modern art.

Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson Bay, left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. Using a bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and great effort pushing boulders into a single

We were so poor we couldn't afford a watchdog. If we heard a noise at night, we'd bark ourselves.

The English instinctively admire any man who has no talent and is modest about it.

All the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow.

"MOKE DAT YIGARETTE"

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.

Moneyliness is next to Godliness.

Philosophy will clip an angel's wings.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

A dream will always triumph over reality, once it is given the chance.

But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in 1877, was the phonograph, which could soo

The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes.

My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.

Your wig steers the gig.

So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence.

I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men

"All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands."

You can't expect a boy to be vicious till he's been to a good school.

We Americans, we're a simple people... but piss us off, and we'll bomb your cities.

Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these.

All phone calls are obscene.

The road to Hades is easy to travel.

Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it's out of date.)

Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she lived with was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always getting pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to the farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd w

The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.

You can bring men from other parts of the world who are sane. And you know what happens? At the very moment they cross those mountains... they go mad. Instantaneously and automatically, at the very moment they cross the mountains into California,

Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l.

Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.

They sentenced me to twenty years of boredom for trying to change the system from within. I'm coming now I'm coming to reward them. First we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin. I'm guided by a signal in the heavens. I'm guided by this birthmark

Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a number. Youre two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and another number.

Never take a resume seriously. Resumes only make money for the people who write the resumes. No resume ever tells an employer how many times a job applicant has had the clap. Why, indeed, would anyone hire a person based on a resume written by a

Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best.

Three minutes' thought would suffice to find this out; but thought is irksome and three minutes is a long time.

Objectivity is to a newspaper what virtue is to a woman.

The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.

The average Ph.D thesis is nothing but the transference of bones from one graveyard to another.

Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to exactly the point of most pressure.

In spite of everything, I still believe that people are good at heart.

"What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?"

Sometimes, too long is too long.

"Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western religion, Rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western science."

There are two ways of disliking art. One is to dislike it. The other is to like it rationally.

It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim of infanticide.

The superfluous is very necessary.

I recognize terror as the finest emotion and so I will try to terrorize the reader. But if I find that I cannot terrify, I will try to horrify, and if I find that I cannot horrify, I'll go for the gross-out.

Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.

What you don't know won't help you much either.

He draweth out the thread of his verbosity finer than the staple of his argument.

You are never given a wish without also being given the power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however.

Generally speaking, the Way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death.

God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.

A woman who is guided by the head and not by the heart is a social pestilence: she has all the defects of the passionate and affectionate woman, with none of her compensations; she is without pity, without love, without virtue, without sex.

A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.

There never was a good war or a bad peace.

Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.

We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. But there was also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song at a French restaurant. [...] I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of her milk w

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

"Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong."

The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly important thing to people.

It is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have to do, that makes life blessed.

Television is now so desperately hungry for material that it is scraping the top of the barrel.

"The Right Honorable Gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests and to his imagination for his facts."

VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot. This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to

I never cheated an honest man, only rascals. They wanted something for nothing. I gave them nothing for something.

Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously; and do not take what happens either to yourself or your work seriously.

Term, holidays, term, holidays, till we leave school, and then work, work, work till we die.

Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.

Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for even the greatest fool may ask more the the wisest man can answer.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches.

I'll turn over a new leaf.

What we wish, that we readily believe.

He who has the courage to laugh is almost as much a master of the world as he who is ready to die.

If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could work for with a great deal of enjoyment.

Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their handbags are full.

One of my favorite jokes, a telling commentary on Jewish mothers' capacity to lay on guilt, involves the mother who gave her son two neckties on Chanuka. The boy hurried into his bedroom, ripped off the tie he was wearing, put on one of the ties his

Never promise more than you can perform.

We all declare for liberty, but in using the same word we do not all mean the same thing.

Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind.

I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.

"Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it."

Some people say a front-engine car handles best. Some people say a rear-engine car handles best. I say a rented car handles best.

There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

Odets, where is thy sting?

Dustin Farnum: Why, yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats! Oliver Herford: Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of it!

Catharsis is something I associate with pornography and crossword puzzles.

There is much Obi-Wan did not tell you.

Must I hold a candle to my shames?

When you are at Rome live in the Roman style; when you are elsewhere live as they live elsewhere.

There is a secret person undamaged within every individual.

Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.

No is no negative in a woman's mouth.