Who's scruffy-looking?

Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson Bay, left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. Using a bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and great effort pushing boulders into a single

We're all in this alone.

Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think about sex at all... they become lawyers.

Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.

I have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per cent an idiot.

Never promise more than you can perform.

The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine we own.

Even the clearest and most perfect circumstantial evidence is likely to be at fault, after all, and therefore ought to be received with great caution. Take the case of any pencil, sharpened by any woman; if you have witnesses, you will find she did

If you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk. If you wish to be happy for three days, get married. If you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it. If you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish.

There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

The truth is rarely pure, and never simple.

There has been a little distress selling on the stock exchange.

The avocation of assessing the failures of better men can be turned into a comfortable livelihood, providing you back it up with a Ph.D.

A full belly makes a dull brain.

We have reason to be afraid. This is a terrible place.

If God is One, what is bad?

You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for freedom and liberty.

The Poems, all three hundred of them, may be summed up in one of their phrases: "Let our thoughts be correct".

The time was the 19th of May, 1780. The place was Hartford, Connecticut. The day has gone down in New England history as a terrible foretaste of Judgement Day. For at noon the skies turned from blue to grey and by mid-afternoon had blackened over s

No evil can happen to a good man.

"Necessity is the mother of invention" is a silly proverb. "Necessity is the mother of futile dodges" is much nearer the truth.

I do not patronize poor, ill educated, or disenfranchised people by exempting them from the same critical examination I feel free to direct toward the rest of society, however much I might champion the same minority or disadvantaged group in the foru

Events are not affected, they develop.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.

The distinction between Freedom and Liberty is not accurately known; naturalists have been unable to find a living specimen of either.

He who despairs over an event is a coward, but he who holds hopes for the human condition is a fool.

We rarely find anyone who can say he has lived a happy life, and who, content with his life, can retire from the world like a satisfied guest.

My own life has been spent chronicling the rise and fall of human systems, and I am convinced that we are terribly vulnerable. ... We should be reluctant to turn back upon the frontier of this epoch. Space is indifferent to what we do; it has no fe

The so-called lessons of history are for the most part the rationalizations of the victors. History is written by the survivors.

Trifles make perfection, and perfection is no trifle.

In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment was expressed by Thomas K. Co

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The great question that has never been answered and which I have not yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul is: WHAT DOES A WOMAN WANT?

I just got off the phone with Sonny Barger [President of the Hell's Angels]. He wants me to appear as a character witness for him at his murder trial and said he'd be glad to appear as a character witness on my behalf if I ever needed one. Needless

... a thing called Ethics, whose nature was confusing but if you had it you were a High-Class Realtor and if you hadn't you were a shyster, a piker and a fly-by-night. These virtues awakened Confidence and enabled you to handle Bigger Propositions.

... but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women were convicted of witch

"Nuclear war would really set back cable."

I: The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin with a silk sow. The same is true of money. II: If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it would probably be twice as good as yesterday was. III: There are

"I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path."

The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine man in the bonds of Hell.

It is bad luck to be superstitious.

Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which millionaires tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth.

"You little (such a one who, while wearing a copper nose ring, stands in a footbath atop Mount Raruaruaha during a heavy thunderstorm and shouts that Alohura, Goddess of Lightning, has the facial features of a diseased uloruaha root)!"

When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.

The health of a democratic society may be measured by the quality of functions performed by private citizens.

A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.

We should have a Vollyballocracy. We elect a six-pack of presidents. Each one serves until they screw up, at which point they rotate.

There's nothing worse for your business than extra Santa Clauses smoking in the men's room.

The Least Perceptive Literary Critic The most important critic in our field of study is Lord Halifax. A most individual judge of poetry, he once invited Alexander Pope round to give a public reading of his latest poem. Pope, the leading poet of h

When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff.

We ... make the modern error of dignifying the Individual. We do everything we can to butter him up. We give him a name, assure him that he has certain inalienable rights, educate him, let him pass on his name to his brats and when he dies we give

God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying other things.

A violent man will die a violent death.

The Priest's grey nimbus in a niche where he dressed discreetly. I will not sleep here tonight. Home also I cannot go. A voice, sweetened and sustained, called to him from the sea. Turning the curve he waved his hand. A sleek brown head, a seal's,

Nothing recedes like success.

When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship.

My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my family, it seems, begins where yours left off.

Unprovided with original learning, unformed in the habits of thinking, unskilled in the arts of composition, I resolved to write a book.

[Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

When I have one foot in the grave I will tell the truth about women. I shall tell it, jump into my coffin, pull the lid over me, and say, "Do what you like now."

Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine.

With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time they make a law it's a joke.

Truth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominy of him that brought her birth.

There is no comfort without pain; thus we define salvation through suffering.

Too much is just enough.

Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in.

Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and not tried.

"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company."

Ever get the feeling that the world's on tape and one of the reels is missing?

If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world.

Necessity hath no law.

I'll turn over a new leaf.

What good is an obscenity trial except to popularize literature?

Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories.

Of all men's miseries, the bitterest is this: to know so much and have control over nothing.

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.

It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.

Catharsis is something I associate with pornography and crossword puzzles.

In regards to Oral Roberts' claim that God told him that he would die unless he received $20 million by March, God's lawyers have stated that their client has not spoken with Roberts for several years. Off the record, God has stated that "If I had w

He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom.

Political speeches are like steer horns. A point here, a point there, and a lot of bull inbetween.

If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive!

Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped.

One good turn asketh another.

A is for Apple.

Fast ship? You mean you've never heard of the Millennium Falcon?

Arrakis teaches the attitude of the knife - chopping off what's incomplete and saying: "Now it's complete because it's ended here."

The chief cause of problems is solutions.

The Worst Musical Trio There are few bad musicians who have a chance to give a recital at a famous concert hall while still learning the rudiments of their instrument. This happened about thirty years ago to the son of a Rumanian gentleman who was

Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books.

A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around she deserved.

If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, it might well prolong his life.

One good turn deserves another.

Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth gr

Prizes are for children.

The more the merrier.

Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they would. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect that much.

Great acts are made up of small deeds.

In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence ... in time every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is incompetent to carry out its duties ... Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their

Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground

It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely the most important.

That government is best which governs least.

For a light heart lives long.

The most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage in the country is the one on which you resell it.

America is a melting pot. You know, where those on the bottom get burned, and the scum rises to the top.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch" may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used whe

The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak.

Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored.

The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobb

There are two kinds of fool. One says, "This is old, and therefore good." And one says, "This is new, and therefore better"

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.