Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.

It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire.

Events are not affected, they develop.

We have art that we do not die of the truth.

A sinking ship gathers no moss.

Never have so many understood so little about so much.

Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.

The whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively.

From the cradle to the coffin underwear comes first.

You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day.

"We're not talking about the same thing," he said. "For you the world is weird because if you're not bored with it you're at odds with it. For me the world is weird because it is stupendous, awesome, mysterious, unfathomable; my interest has been to

A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of.

Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life.

If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.

Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral.

L'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare.

The Public is merely a multiplied "me."

Wagner's music is better than it sounds.

It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased.

One hundred women are not worth a single testicle.

There is nothing new except what has been forgotten.

An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest.

The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey.

The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization.

Whoever has lived long enough to find out what life is, knows how deep a debt of gratitude we owe to Adam, the first great benefactor of our race. He brought death into the world.

A little bit of rape is good for a man's soul.

So so is good, very good, very excellent good: and yet it is not; it is but so so.

... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *___did* quote anybody in this business, it probably would be gibberish.

I'll never get off this planet.

There are two ways of disliking art. One is to dislike it. The other is to like it rationally.

Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt. [Confound those who have said our remarks before us.] or [May they perish who have expressed our bright ideas before us.]

"You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks."

Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities, requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by tur

"World conquerors sometimes become fools, but fools never become world conquerors."

It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back.

Force has no place where there is need of skill.

Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.

If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we would all be millionaires.

The road to Hades is easy to travel.

Time as he grows old teaches all things.

Solipsists of the World... you are already united.

Necessity has no law.

The universe is made of stories, not of atoms.

Mankind is poised midway between the gods and the beasts.

Life is too short to be taken seriously.

When eating an elephant take one bite at a time.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting.

Don't go to bed with no price on your head.

"Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *___can* you believe?!"

Work Hard. Rock Hard. Eat Hard. Sleep Hard. Grow Big. Wear Glasses If You Need 'Em.

Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform.

We are what we pretend to be.

[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity: (1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a

If we don't survive, we don't do anything else.

Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.

You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

As failures go, attempting to recall the past is like trying to grasp the meaning of existence. Both make one feel like a baby clutching at a basketball: one's palms keep sliding off.

The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars."

There are many of us in this old world of ours who hold that things break about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get about the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summer and the poor get it in the winter.

The profession of book writing makes horse racing seem like a solid, stable business.

Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.

An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see a great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures. I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment. I have given up everything I was aske

To teach is to learn twice.

Well, we'll really have a party, but we've gotta post a guard outside.

When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.

Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the villagers gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," said Nasrudin, "I only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the villagers but the stupidest ran off to spr

The last vestiges of the old Republic have been swept away.

My tears stuck in their little ducts, refusing to be jerked.

A critic is a bundle of biases held loosely together by a sense of taste.

We are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one.

The Worst Car Hire Service When David Schwartz left university in 1972, he set up Rent-a-wreck as a joke. Being a natural prankster, he acquired a fleet of beat-up shabby, wreckages waiting for the scrap heap in California. He put on a cap and lo

The bay-trees in our country are all wither'd And meteors fright the fixed stars of heaven; The pale-faced moon looks bloody on the earth And lean-look'd prophets whisper fearful change. These signs forerun the death or fall of kings.

Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original and the part that is original is not good.

We're all in this alone.

When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all.

A yawn is a silent shout.

"Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun."

The fashion wears out more apparel than the man.

[He] took me into his library and showed me his books, of which he had a complete set.

If ever the pleasure of one has to be bought by the pain of the other, there better be no trade. A trade by which one gains and the other loses is a fraud.

Never promise more than you can perform.

Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade themselves that they have a better idea.

I always had a repulsive need to be something more than human.

When alerted to an intrusion by tinkling glass or otherwise, 1) Calm yourself 2) Identify the intruder 3) If hostile, kill him. Step number 3 is of particular importance. If you leave the guy alive out of misguided softheartedness, he will repay y

If men are not afraid to die, it is of no avail to threaten them with death. If men live in constant fear of dying, And if breaking the law means a man will be killed, Who will dare to break the law? There is always an official executioner. If

Or you or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company.

Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the men are strong, the women are pretty, and the children are above-average.

The ideal voice for radio may be defined as showing no substance, no sex, no owner, and a message of importance for every housewife.

Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves.

What excuses stand in your way? How can you eliminate them?

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak!

Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations Various signs in Poland: Right turn toward immediate outside. Go soothingly in the snow, as there lurk the ski demons. Five o'clock tea at all hours. In a men's washroom in Sidney:

Without adventure, civilization is in full decay.

... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If somebody gets handed a name like "H.

Where do I find the time for not reading so many books?

The adjective is the banana peel of the parts of speech.

Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere. Climb the mountain just a little to test it's a mountain. From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain.

Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.

When in doubt, tell the truth.

Just close your eyes, tap your heels together three times, and think to yourself, `There's no place like home.'

It is imperative when flying coach that you restrain any tendency toward the vividly imaginative. For although it may momentarily appear to be the case, it is not at all likely that the cabin is entirely inhabited by crying babies smoking inexpensiv

Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.

Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson Bay, left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. Using a bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and great effort pushing boulders into a single

For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.

Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule."

An atom-blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways.

Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks.

Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.

"It's kind of fun to do the impossible."

"What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?"

The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.