The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just terrible.

WHENEVER ANYBODY SAYS he's struggling to become a human being I have to laugh because the apes beat him to it by about a million years. Struggle to become a parrot or something.

"I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia, I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun."

The Worst Prison Guards The largest number of convicts ever to escape simultaneously from a maximum security prison is 124. This record is held by Alcoente Prison, near Lisbon in Portugal. During the weeks leading up to the escape in July 1978 th

Saints should always be judged guilty until they are proved innocent.

Si Dieu n'existait pas, il faudrait l'inventer. [If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.]

Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not have possibly met.

Youth is a disease from which we all recover.

So so is good, very good, very excellent good: and yet it is not; it is but so so.

There is much Obi-Wan did not tell you.

A full belly makes a dull brain.

Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.

Why attack God? He may be as miserable as we are.

Old age is always fifteen years old than I am.

Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade themselves that they have a better idea.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

You'd best be snoozin', 'cause you don't be gettin' no work done at 5 a.m. anyway.

Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight: always to try to be a little kinder than is necessary?

She ran the gamut of emotions from 'A' to 'B'.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him.

Perhaps no person can be a poet, or even enjoy poetry without a certain unsoundness of mind.

The fashion wears out more apparel than the man.

Diplomacy is the art of letting the other party have things your way.

A woman takes off her claim to respect along with her garments.

The best you get is an even break.

... so long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those who wish to tyrranize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent, and will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious and otherwise, to put shackles upon sl

The world's great men have not commonly been great scholars, nor its great scholars great men.

The first sign of corruption in a society that is still alive is that the end justifies the means.

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The final delusion is the belief that one has lost all delusions.

Politics is the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn't happen.

If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, it might well prolong his life.

Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.

The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.

When we jumped into Sicily, the units became separated, and I couldn't find anyone. Eventually I stumbled across two colonels, a major, three captains, two lieutenants, and one rifleman, and we secured the bridge. Never in the history of war have s

If atheism is to be used to express the state of mind in which God is identified with the unknowable, and theology is pronounced to be a collection of meaningless words about unintelligible chimeras, then I have no doubt, and I think few people doubt

There are two kinds of fool. One says, "This is old, and therefore good." And one says, "This is new, and therefore better"

The difference between sentiment and being sentimental is the following: Sentiment is when a driver swerves out of the way to avoid hitting a rabbit on the road. Being sentimental is when the same driver, when swerving away from the rabbit hits a pe

I hate quotations.

Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.

You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

We have art that we do not die of the truth.

Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad name.

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

There's nothing worse for your business than extra Santa Clauses smoking in the men's room.

What excuses stand in your way? How can you eliminate them?

I ain't got no quarrel with them Viet Congs.

Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l.

"I have to convince you, or at least snow you ..."

I BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on the same day. Then that night, they burned the wheel.

He that is giddy thinks the world turns round.

Plots are like girdles. Hidden, they hold your interest; revealed, they're of no interest except to fetishists. Like girdles, they attempt to contain an uncontainable experience.

A myth is a religion in which no-one any longer believes.

If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.

Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.

"Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of normal routines, for children and adults alike."

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

Veni, vidi, vici. [I came, I saw, I conquered].

Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty is oblivion.

Life is the living you do, Death is the living you don't do.

The most disagreeable thing that your worst enemy says to your face does not approach what your best friends say behind your back.

We should have a great many fewer disputes in the world if only words were taken for what they are, the signs of our ideas only, and not for things themselves.

A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.

What kind of sordid business are you on now? I mean, man, whither goest thou? Whither goest thou, America, in thy shiny car in the night?

In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.

Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around us in awareness.

The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth.

Plastic... Aluminum... These are the inheritors of the Universe! Flesh and Blood have had their day... and that day is past!

[Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

The time spent on any item of the agenda [of a finance committee] will be in inverse proportion to the sum involved.

She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot.

Think lucky. If you fall in a pond, check your pockets for fish.

A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.

Do you realize the responsibility I carry? I'm the only person standing between Nixon and the White House.

It is not enough that I should succeed. Others must fail.

Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they would. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect that much.

XLI: The more one produces, the less one gets. XLII: Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite testing. XLIII: Hardware works best when it matters the least. XLIV: Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a we

It's only by NOT taking the human race seriously that I retain what fragments of my once considerable mental powers I still possess.

Nothing, nothing, nothing, no error, no crime is so absolutely repugnant to God as everything which is official; and why? because the official is so impersonal and therefore the deepest insult which can be offered to a personality.

You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do.

The longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate.

If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce.