To do two things at once is to do neither.

The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions.

Home is where the hurt is.

Like, if I'm not for me, then fer shure, like who will be? And if, y'know, if I'm not like fer anyone else, then hey, I mean, what am I? And if not now, like I dunno, maybe like when? And if not Who, then I dunno, maybe like the Rolling Stones?

It seems to me that nearly every woman I know wants a man who knows how to love with authority. Women are simple souls who like simple things, and one of the simplest is one of the simplest to give. ... Our family airedale will come clear across t

A little bit of rape is good for a man's soul.

I just asked myself... what would John DeLorean do?

A sinking ship gathers no moss.

Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored.

The more the merrier.

Or you or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company.

Neckties strangle clear thinking.

Three o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too late or a little too early for anything you want to do.

Haste makes waste.

I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike.

If you live long enough, you'll see that every victory turns into a defeat.

She ran the gamut of emotions from 'A' to 'B'.

There is a secret person undamaged within every individual.

The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.

I never cheated an honest man, only rascals. They wanted something for nothing. I gave them nothing for something.

Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at reasonable prices? Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's build a home center. And before long ho

Men's skin is different from women's skin. It is usually bigger, and it has more snakes tattooed on it. Also, if you examine a woman's skin very closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently tracing the slender curve of her cal

All is well that ends well.

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.

Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.

In breeding cattle you need one bull for every twenty-five cows, unless the cows are known sluts.

One man's Mede is another man's Persian.

She was good at playing abstract confusion in the same way a midget is good at being short.

Who's scruffy-looking?

Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.

None love the bearer of bad news.

There is much Obi-Wan did not tell you.

I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men

Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy.

I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there.

There is always something new out of Africa.

Honesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty.

I never made a mistake in my life. I thought I did once, but I was wrong.

Knowledge is power.

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?

A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation.

It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure.

The Worst Jury A murder trial at Manitoba in February 1978 was well advanced, when one juror revealed that he was completely deaf and did not have the remotest clue what was happening. The judge, Mr. Justice Solomon, asked him if he had heard any

If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.

Non-Determinism is not meant to be reasonable.

What you want, what you're hanging around in the world waiting for, is for something to occur to you.

Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know.

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For if there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life.

A woman's a woman until the day she dies, but a man's only a man as long as he can.

Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously; and do not take what happens either to yourself or your work seriously.

It's easier to take it apart than to put it back together.

What an author likes to write most is his signature on the back of a cheque.

You can fool all the people all of the time if the advertising is right and the budget is big enough.

When alerted to an intrusion by tinkling glass or otherwise, 1) Calm yourself 2) Identify the intruder 3) If hostile, kill him. Step number 3 is of particular importance. If you leave the guy alive out of misguided softheartedness, he will repay y

The fact that it works is immaterial.

If any man wishes to be humbled and mortified, let him become president of Harvard.

Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home tool sets for under $4?" An excellent question. Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where they

The price of success in philosophy is triviality.

"Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *___can* you believe?!"

Why be a man when you can be a success?

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.

No evil can happen to a good man.

Believe everything you hear about the world; nothing is too impossibly bad.

The road to ruin is always in good repair, and the travellers pay the expense of it.

You climb to reach the summit, but once there, discover that all roads lead down.

If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.

Satire is what closes Saturday night.

You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements.

Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.

Where do I find the time for not reading so many books?

Another day, another dollar.

Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake?

Call on God, but row away from the rocks.

All men know the utility of useful things; but they do not know the utility of futility.

There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit at a typewriter and open a vein.

The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak.

A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!" "However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."

The only certainty is that nothing is certain.