If I had any humility I would be perfect.

Gaiety is the most outstanding feature of the Soviet Union.

Term, holidays, term, holidays, till we leave school, and then work, work, work till we die.

We are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one.

"If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination."

If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, it might well prolong his life.

I try to keep an open mind, but not so open that my brains fall out.

Show business is just like high school, except you get paid.

I hold it, that a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing...

The executioner is, I hear, very expert, and my neck is very slender.

A political man can have as his aim the realization of freedom, but he has no means to realize it other than through violence.

A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)

I just need enough to tide me over until I need more.

Since everything in life is but an experience perfect in being what it is, having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well burst out in laughter.

Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good solutions seldom black or white. Beware of the solution that requires one side to be totally the loser and the other side to be totally the winner. The reason there are two sides to be

I'm not a lovable man.

Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.

I think the world is run by C students.

Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them seemed to come from Texas.

When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the thing," it's the money.

It was a female that drove me to drink and I didn't even have the kindness to thank her.

For years a secret shame destroyed my peace

Why are you doing this to me? Because knowledge is torture, and there must be awareness before there is change.

The trouble with this country is that there are too many politicians who believe, with a conviction based on experience, that you can fool all of the people all of the time.

"To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition."

The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr.

History is nothing but a collection of fables and useless trifles, cluttered up with a mass of unnecessary figures and proper names.

Don't do the crime, if you can't do the time.

The Angels want to wear my red shoes.

You may my glories and my state dispose, But not my griefs; still am I king of those.

If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' it, even if they don't know what it means.

Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.

I used to be a rebel in my youth. This cause... that cause... (chuckle) I backed 'em ALL! But I learned. Rebellion is simply a device used by the immature to hide from his own problems. So I lost interest in politics. Now when I feel aroused by

That government is best which governs least.

Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again.

[The members of the Chamberlain government] are decided only to be undecided, resolved to be irresolute, adamant for drift, all-powerful for impotency.

He who fears the unknown may one day flee from his own backside.

Uppers are no longer stylish, methedrine is almost as rare as pure acid or DMT. "Consciousness Expansion" went out with LBJ and it is worth noting, historically, that downers came in with Nixon.

"One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not there should be a Coastal Commission, I took a helicopter ride from Los Angeles to San Diego. We passed several state beaches, some crowded and some virtually empty. They had the

The ultimate game show will be the one where somebody gets killed at the end.

The very first essential for success is a perpetually constant and regular employment of violence.

It is imperative when flying coach that you restrain any tendency toward the vividly imaginative. For although it may momentarily appear to be the case, it is not at all likely that the cabin is entirely inhabited by crying babies smoking inexpensiv

The major advances in civilization are processes that all but wreck the societies in which they occur.

Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with a valentine.

Our parents were of Midwestern stock and very strict. They didn't want us to grow up to be spoiled and rich. If we left our tennis racquets in the rain, we were punished.

If Christianity was morality, Socrates would be the Saviour.

Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.

It's always darkest just before the lights go out.

Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night.

We have no scorched earth policy. We have a policy of scorched Communists.

Life is a concentration camp. You're stuck here and there's no way out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors.

An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition.

You can fool all the people all of the time if the advertising is right and the budget is big enough.

Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even worse.

There can be no daily democracy without daily citizenship.

Knowledge is power.

I found Rome a city of bricks and left it a city of marble.

Texas is Hell on woman and horses.

When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all.

If men are not afraid to die, it is of no avail to threaten them with death. If men live in constant fear of dying, And if breaking the law means a man will be killed, Who will dare to break the law? There is always an official executioner. If

The 'A' is for content, the 'minus' is for not typing it. Don't ever do this to my eyes again.

Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental Anguish. You would sue: * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions

It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim of infanticide.

Must I hold a candle to my shames?

We should have a Vollyballocracy. We elect a six-pack of presidents. Each one serves until they screw up, at which point they rotate.

Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.

If your happiness depends on what somebody else does, I guess you do have a problem.

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.

Do not seek death; death will find you. But seek the road which makes death a fulfillment.

A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you.

"The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as we could with both of them."

Everything is possible. Pass the word.

Veni, vidi, vici. [I came, I saw, I conquered].

Never appeal to a man's "better nature." He may not have one. Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.

The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late and owns the worm farm.

Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.

As to the Adjective: when in doubt, strike it out.

Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.

All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers ... Each one owes infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in which he was born.

You can't depend on the man who made the mess to clean it up.

A prediction is worth twenty explanations.

Heaven and earth were created all together in the same instant, on October 23rd, 4004 B.C. at nine o'clock in the morning.