Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.

The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.

Alas, I am dying beyond my means.

When the sun shineth, make hay.

You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements.

Certainly the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win.

It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.

There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.

If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.

IF I HAD A MINE SHAFT, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way.

There is no cure for birth and death other than to enjoy the interval.

No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.

Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

It is only by risking our persons from one hour to another that we live at all. And often enough our faith beforehand in an uncertified result is the only thing that makes the result come true.

I think... I think it's in my basement... Let me go upstairs and check.

Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.

It is ridiculous to call this an industry. This is not. This is rat eat rat, dog eat dog. I'll kill 'em, and I'm going to kill 'em before they kill me. You're talking about the American way of survival of the fittest.

I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't seem to work.

Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they had towels from my house.

It is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have to do, that makes life blessed.

Execute every act of thy life as though it were thy last.

Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there.

There's no justice in this world.

And tomorrow will be like today, only more so.

Faith is under the left nipple.

Not all who own a harp are harpers.

The last vestiges of the old Republic have been swept away.

(1) Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood. (2) If your stomach antagonizes you, pacify it with cool thoughts. (3) Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move. (4) Go very lightly on the vices, such as carrying on in society, as

Go ahead... make my day.

What excuses stand in your way? How can you eliminate them?

Money doesn't talk, it swears.

The truth is rarely pure, and never simple.

The true Southern watermelon is a boon apart, and not to be mentioned with commoner things. It is chief of the world's luxuries, king by the grace of God over all the fruits of the earth. When one has tasted it, he knows what the angels eat. It wa

If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.

Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she lived with was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always getting pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to the farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd w

The lunatic, the lover, and the poet, Are of imagination all compact...

Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake?

What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.

Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.

The Least Successful Equal Pay Advertisement In 1976 the European Economic Community pointed out to the Irish Government that it had not yet implemented the agreed sex equality legislation. The Dublin Government immediately advertised for an equal

If a fool persists in his folly he shall become wise.

The better part of valor is discretion.

Take what you can use and let the rest go by.

If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism.

VI: A hungry dog hunts best. A hungrier dog hunts even better. VII: Decreased business base increases overhead. So does increased business base. VIII: The most unsuccessful four years in the education of a cost-estimator is fifth grade ari

If I could reach, I'd never leave the house.

We Americans, we're a simple people... but piss us off, and we'll bomb your cities.

Man must shape his tools lest they shape him.

There is much Obi-Wan did not tell you.

If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to get the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. See in college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving the natural method of teaching what each

If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.

I always had a repulsive need to be something more than human.

Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at reasonable prices? Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's build a home center. And before long ho

Ninety percent of everything is crap.

When alerted to an intrusion by tinkling glass or otherwise, 1) Calm yourself 2) Identify the intruder 3) If hostile, kill him. Step number 3 is of particular importance. If you leave the guy alive out of misguided softheartedness, he will repay y

As Gen. de Gaulle occassionally acknowledges America to be the daughter of Europe, so I am pleased to come to Yale, the daughter of Harvard.

Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.

The trouble with superheros is what to do between phone booths.

"Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school.

A good name lost is seldom regained. When character is gone, all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever.

Three o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too late or a little too early for anything you want to do.

The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic devices, such as television sets and VCR's, to the destruction centers, where trained personnel would whack them (the devices) with sledgehammers. With their devices thus permanent

The goys have proven the following theorem...

The major sin is the sin of being born.

Many hands make light work.

"All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands."

My only love sprung from my only hate! Too early seen unknown, and known too late!

Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant.

The smallest worm will turn being trodden on.

Look before you leap.

Show business is just like high school, except you get paid.

[Maturity consists in the discovery that] there comes a critical moment where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand more and more that there is something which cannot be understood.

I consider a new device or technology to have been culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder.

The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes.

Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall.

Rotten wood cannot be carved.

There is no sin but ignorance.

For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels, each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall was a gate.

Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations Sign on a cabin door of a Soviet Black Sea cruise liner: Helpsavering apparata in emergings behold many whistles! Associate the stringing apparata about the bosums and meet behind, flee then t

For thee the wonder-working earth puts forth sweet flowers.

When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.

Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all.

I had another dream the other day about music critics. They were small and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they had stepped out of a painting by Goya.