I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches.

The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes.

A word to the wise is enough.

Never promise more than you can perform.

A little bit of rape is good for a man's soul.

Without adventure, civilization is in full decay.

Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.

Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think about sex at all... they become lawyers.

"We maintain that the very foundation of our way of life is what we call free enterprise," said Cash McCall, "but when one of our citizens show enough free enterprise to pile up a little of that profit, we do our best to make him feel that he ought t

Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't, don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck.

Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.

I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike.

Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there.

Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little more time for dreaming.

He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man.

Look, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters, con-men. That's the way businesses get started. That's the way this country was built.

It is a lesson which all history teaches wise men, to put trust in ideas, and not in circumstances.

There's no such thing as an original sin.

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we would all be millionaires.

Call on God, but row away from the rocks.

When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.

"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"

The coast was clear.

I know not how I came into this, shall I call it a dying life or a living death?

All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for fun. Money's just the way we keep score.

A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.

Brahma said: Well, after hearing ten thousand explanations, a fool is no wiser. But an intelligent man needs only two thousand five hundred.

The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the number of participants.

Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his followers. One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She

Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?

To restore a sense of reality, I think Walt Disney should have a Hardluckland.

The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.

Most general statements are false, including this one.

Go away, I'm all right.

A beginning is the time for taking the most delicate care that balances are correct.

Great acts are made up of small deeds.

An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest.

If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell.

Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it's out of date.)

Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth gr

Truth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominy of him that brought her birth.

... "fire" does not matter, "earth" and "air" and "water" do not matter. "I" do not matter. No word matters. But man forgets reality and remembers words. The more words he remembers, the cleverer do his fellows esteem him. He looks upon the great

We're all in this alone.

With her body, woman is more sincere than man; but with her mind she lies. And when she lies, she does not believe herself.

Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these.

The most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage in the country is the one on which you resell it.

[Maturity consists in the discovery that] there comes a critical moment where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand more and more that there is something which cannot be understood.

Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away someone else's cash.

I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two highly trained certified public accountants.

Mum's the word.

A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth.

If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.

Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of government, therefore,

The only happiness lies in reason; all the rest of the world is dismal. The highest reason, however, I see in the work of the artist, and he may experience it as such. Happiness lies in the swiftness of feeling and thinking: all the rest of the worl

God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.

Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.

It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the r

Two heads are better than one.

XLI: The more one produces, the less one gets. XLII: Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite testing. XLIII: Hardware works best when it matters the least. XLIV: Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a we

Reality is just a convenient measure of complexity.

One of your most ancient writers, a historian named Herodotus, tells of a thief who was to be executed. As he was taken away he made a bargain with the king: in one year he would teach the king's favorite horse to sing hymns. The other prisoners wa

Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.

The major sin is the sin of being born.

Remember that there is an outside world to see and enjoy.

Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they would. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect that much.

It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our offense consists in doubting it.

Reality is bad enough, why should I tell the truth?

There's nothing worse for your business than extra Santa Clauses smoking in the men's room.

The true way goes over a rope which is not stretched at any great height but just above the ground. It seems more designed to make people stumble than to be walked upon.

Home is where the hurt is.

The future not being born, my friend, we will abstain from baptizing it.

The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist knows it.

Certainly the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win.

An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see a great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures. I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment. I have given up everything I was aske

The only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane.

Nothing endures but change.

In charity there is no excess.

Pauca sed matura. [Few but excellent.]

Live fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway!

It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed.

If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.

I will make you shorter by the head.