He who knows others is wise. He who knows himself is enlightened.

Three minutes' thought would suffice to find this out; but thought is irksome and three minutes is a long time.

This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly, because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has "deregulated" the airline industry. What t

Dignity is like a flag. It flaps in a storm.

The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist "Jack."

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of the way and let them have it.

All of us should treasure his Oriental wisdom and his preaching of a Zen-like detachment, as exemplified by his constant reminder to clerks, tellers, or others who grew excited by his presence in their banks: "Just lie down on the floor and keep calm

"... gentlemen do not read each other's mail."

It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

Naked children have never played in _o_u_r fountains, and I.M. Pei will never be happy on Route 66.

Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a surprising amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one hand considered the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other hand were unwilling to risk offending God's g

A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than he could be elected Pope of Rome. Both high posts are reserved for men favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter facts of life in bandages of self-illus

I hold it, that a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing...

The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds the other fellow of a dull one.

"Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun."

What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.

God shows his contempt for wealth by the kind of person he selects to receive it.

Having nothing, nothing can he lose.

Without adventure, civilization is in full decay.

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.

It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.

The sunlights differ, but there is only one darkness.

He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know.

Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental Anguish. You would sue: * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions

"I have just read your lousy review buried in the back pages. You sound like a frustrated old man who never made a success, an eight-ulcer man on a four-ulcer job, and all four ulcers working. I have never met you, but if I do you'll need a new nos

We should be glad we're living in the time that we are. If any of us had been born into a more enlightened age, I'm sure we would have immediately been taken out and shot.

Burnt Sienna. That's the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas.

Let the people think they govern and they will be governed.

To think contrary to one's era is heroism. But to speak against it is madness.

I would have made a good pope.

I'd be a poorer man if I'd never seen an eagle fly.

A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

If there is no wind, row.

The trouble with this country is that there are too many politicians who believe, with a conviction based on experience, that you can fool all of the people all of the time.

A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough to take it all away.

If we don't survive, we don't do anything else.

You don't move to Edina, you achieve Edina.

Persistence in one opinion has never been considered a merit in political leaders.

In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!"

Something's rotten in the state of Denmark.

All diplomacy is a continuation of war by other means.

Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the men are strong, the women are pretty, and the children are above-average.

Rule the Empire through force.

He thought of Musashi, the Sword Saint, standing in his garden more than three hundred years ago. "What is the 'Body of a rock'?" he was asked. In answer, Musashi summoned a pupil of his and bid him kill himself by slashing his abdomen with a knife.

Great acts are made up of small deeds.

Very few people do anything creative after the age of thirty-five. The reason is that very few people do anything creative before the age of thirty-five.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

A good reputation is more valuable than money.

Zero Mostel: That's it baby! When you got it, flaunt it! Flaunt it!

A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.

Optimism is the content of small men in high places.

The very remembrance of my former misfortune proves a new one to me.

My own life has been spent chronicling the rise and fall of human systems, and I am convinced that we are terribly vulnerable. ... We should be reluctant to turn back upon the frontier of this epoch. Space is indifferent to what we do; it has no fe

As well look for a needle in a bottle of hay.

It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back.

Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort of like a shell leaving the nut behind.

Big book, big bore.

Naturally the common people don't want war... but after all it is the leaders of a country who determine the policy, and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or

As long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great industries are secure. We hear about constitutional rights, free speech and the free press. Every time I hear these words I say to myself, "That man is a Red, that man is a Comm

It is better to live rich than to die rich.

Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas" until you are told that those rooms are "punched out." Once punched out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such.

"There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him during the trial."

There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an opinion.

A full belly makes a dull brain.

There's no such thing as a free lunch.

Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.

He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace.

Monterey... is decidedly the pleasantest and most civilized-looking place in California ... [it] is also a great place for cock-fighting, gambling of all sorts, fandangos, and various kinds of amusements and knavery.

Wait for that wisest of all counselors, Time.

Well, we'll really have a party, but we've gotta post a guard outside.

Would that my hand were as swift as my tongue.

The scum also rises.

There is nothing so easy but that it becomes difficult when you do it reluctantly.

Catharsis is something I associate with pornography and crossword puzzles.

There are more dead people than living, and their numbers are increasing.

I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I tell them the truth and they never believe me.

Forgive your enemies, but don't forget their names.

I would like the government to do all it can to mitigate, then, in understanding, in mutuality of interest, in concern for the common good, our tasks will be solved.

Diary of a Young Girl LITE(tm)

...He who laughs does not believe in what he laughs at, but neither does he hate it. Therefore, laughing at evil means not preparing oneself to combat it, and laughing at good means denying the power through which good is self-propagating.

The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one.