For thee the wonder-working earth puts forth sweet flowers.

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.

Rascal, am I? Take THAT!

"She said, `I know you ... you cannot sing'. I said, `That's nothing, you should hear me play piano.'"

A violent man will die a violent death.

We all live in a state of ambitious poverty.

An honest politician is one who when he is bought will stay bought.

You can't run away forever, But there's nothing wrong with getting a good head start.

Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.

If Jesus Christ came to this town, people would say, great guy; terrible carpenter.

Oh this age! How tasteless and ill-bred it is.

When a man you like switches from what he said a year ago, or four years ago, he is a broad-minded man who has courage enough to change his mind with changing conditions. When a man you don't like does it, he is a liar who has broken his promises.

Why my thoughts are my own, when they are in, but when they are out they are another's.

It's always darkest just before the lights go out.

Men ought to know that from the brain and from the brain only arise our pleasures, joys, laughter, and jests as well as our sorrows, pains, griefs and tears. ... It is the same thing which makes us mad or delirious, inspires us with dread and fear,

Lay on, MacDuff, and curs'd be him who first cries, "Hold, enough!".

It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim of infanticide.

Out of sight is out of mind.

Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd be irresponsible, too.

I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.

Luck, that's when preparation and opportunity meet.

"Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around, I'd rather lie around. No contest."

Why, when no honest man will deny in private that every ultimate problem is wrapped in the profoundest mystery, do honest men proclaim in pulpits that unhesitating certainty is the duty of the most foolish and ignorant? Is it not a spectacle to make

It's very glamorous to raise millions of dollars, until it's time for the venture capitalist to suck your eyeballs out.

Moneyliness is next to Godliness.

... whether it is better to spend a life not knowing what you want or to spend a life knowing exactly what you want and that you will never have it.

I think... I think it's in my basement... Let me go upstairs and check.

My daddy's brains was so scrambled he thought he was Jesus. They put him in a nut house for 5 years and when he got out, he didn't think he was Jesus, he thought he was *God*! ... Which made me Jesus.

Things past redress and now with me past care.

I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the Roman Church, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant Church, nor by any Church that I know of. My own mind is my own Church.

If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him. They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun of it.

Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l.

When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the thing," it's the money.

Very few things happen at the right time, and the rest do not happen at all. The conscientious historian will correct these defects.

WHENEVER ANYBODY SAYS he's struggling to become a human being I have to laugh because the apes beat him to it by about a million years. Struggle to become a parrot or something.

It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the r

Divorce is a game played by lawyers.

To listen to some devout people, one would imagine that God never laughs.

The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.

One of the large consolations for experiencing anything unpleasant is the knowledge that one can communicate it.

A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many bad measures.

The only happiness lies in reason; all the rest of the world is dismal. The highest reason, however, I see in the work of the artist, and he may experience it as such. Happiness lies in the swiftness of feeling and thinking: all the rest of the worl

"Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever

Coincidences are spiritual puns.

You cannot see the wood for the trees.

Go away, I'm all right.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

In childhood a woman must be subject to her father; in youth to her husband; when her husband is dead, to her sons. A woman must never be free of subjugation.

If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell.

Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.

"Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun."

Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum, sodomy and the lash.

Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.

The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist "Jack."

I'm never through with a girl until I've had her three ways.

The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.

Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.

The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine man in the bonds of Hell.

I am myself plus my circumstance, and if I do not save it, I cannot save myself.

What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space-launch-style "hold" for two to three hours, durin

"You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive."

Neckties strangle clear thinking.

To restore a sense of reality, I think Walt Disney should have a Hardluckland.

Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult.

There is no character, howsoever good and fine, but it can be destroyed by ridicule, howsoever poor and witless. Observe the ass, for instance: his character is about perfect, he is the choicest spirit among all the humbler animals, yet see what rid

Lookie, lookie, here comes cookie...

Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it!

If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, it might well prolong his life.

It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too.

The term "fire" brings up visions of violence and mayhem and the ugly scene of shooting employees who make mistakes. We will now refer to this process as "deleting" an employee (much as a file is deleted from a disk). The employee is simply there o

The great question that has never been answered and which I have not yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul is: WHAT DOES A WOMAN WANT?

It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure.

"That's no answer," Job said, "And for someone who's supposed to be omnipotent, let me tell you 'tabernacle' has only one l."

Show business is just like high school, except you get paid.

Maybe ain't ain't so correct, but I notice that lots of folks who ain't using ain't ain't eatin' well.

Now it is such a bizarrely improbable coincidence that anything so mind- bogglingly useful could have evolved purely by chance that some thinkers have chosen to see it as a final and clinching proof of the non-existence of God. The argument follows:

The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque Enclosed."

When we jumped into Sicily, the units became separated, and I couldn't find anyone. Eventually I stumbled across two colonels, a major, three captains, two lieutenants, and one rifleman, and we secured the bridge. Never in the history of war have s

... relaxed in the manner of a man who has no need to put up a front of any kind.

For if there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life.

A statesman is a politician who's been dead 10 or 15 years.

Giving money and power to governments is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

Heaven and earth were created all together in the same instant, on October 23rd, 4004 B.C. at nine o'clock in the morning.

Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously; and do not take what happens either to yourself or your work seriously.

The salary of the chief executive of the large corporation is not a market award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal gesture by the individual to himself.

Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune.

How is the world ruled, and how do wars start? Diplomats tell lies to journalists, and they believe what they read.

What luck for the rulers that men do not think.

Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?

No television performance takes as much preparation as an off-the-cuff talk.

How should they answer?

I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches.

A woman who is guided by the head and not by the heart is a social pestilence: she has all the defects of the passionate and affectionate woman, with none of her compensations; she is without pity, without love, without virtue, without sex.

I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a toilet seat.

"It's a summons." "What's a summons?" "It means summon's in trouble."

Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it.

All [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is informing, stimulating and ennobling.

I BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on the same day. Then that night, they burned the wheel.

Everything is possible. Pass the word.

People of privilege will always risk their complete destruction rather than surrender any material part of their advantage.

"I'd like to start a new religion. One that doesn't use a dead young man as its logo."

Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock.

Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and not tried.

Success is in the minds of Fools.

Monterey... is decidedly the pleasantest and most civilized-looking place in California ... [it] is also a great place for cock-fighting, gambling of all sorts, fandangos, and various kinds of amusements and knavery.

To accuse others for one's own misfortunes is a sign of want of education. To accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun. To accuse neither oneself nor others shows that one's education is complete.

Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad name.

A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around she deserved.

A good name lost is seldom regained. When character is gone, all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever.

So far as we are human, what we do must be either evil or good: so far as we do evil or good, we are human: and it is better, in a paradoxical way, to do evil than to do nothing: at least we exist.

We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it.

There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true.

Patch griefs with proverbs.

The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.