"What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you didn't believe in God." "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's not the mean and stupid Go

The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak.

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.

America, I'm putting my queer shoulder to the wheel.

The better part of valor is discretion.

Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities, requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by tur

I'm glad I was not born before tea.

Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget.

One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned at the stake while the votes were being counted.

But you shall not escape my iambics.

France is a country where the money falls apart and you can't tear the toilet paper.

We tried to close Ohio's borders and ran into a Constitutional problem. There's a provision in the Constitution that says you can't close your borders to interstate commerce, and garbage is a form of interstate commerce.

Immature poets imitate, mature poets steal.

All religions issue Bibles against Satan, and say the most injurious things against him, but we never hear his side.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Honesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty.

A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the damned things is ample.

Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business. Cheat.

He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know.

The ratio of literacy to illiteracy is a constant, but nowadays the illiterates can read.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm in my right mind. Then it passes off and I'm as intelligent as ever.

Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods.

Catharsis is something I associate with pornography and crossword puzzles.

I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two highly trained certified public accountants.

One of my favorite jokes, a telling commentary on Jewish mothers' capacity to lay on guilt, involves the mother who gave her son two neckties on Chanuka. The boy hurried into his bedroom, ripped off the tie he was wearing, put on one of the ties his

I heard a definition of an intellectual, that I thought was very interesting: a man who takes more words than are necessary to tell more than he knows.

Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long.

Thieves respect property; they merely wish the property to become their property that they may more perfectly respect it.

Sweet April showers do spring May flowers.

"I'd like to start a new religion. One that doesn't use a dead young man as its logo."

Naked children have never played in _o_u_r fountains, and I.M. Pei will never be happy on Route 66.

A prediction is worth twenty explanations.

I am just a nice, clean-cut Mongolian boy.

"You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten."

When I have one foot in the grave I will tell the truth about women. I shall tell it, jump into my coffin, pull the lid over me, and say, "Do what you like now."

I love treason but hate a traitor.

Somehow I reached excess without ever noticing when I was passing through satisfaction.

Events are not affected, they develop.

When in doubt, use brute force.

You must be the change you wish to see in the world.

The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.

If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads.

To be patriotic, hate all nations but your own; to be religious, all sects but your own; to be moral, all pretenses but your own.

Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.

Dianetics is a milestone for man comparable to his discovery of fire and superior to his invention of the wheel and the arch.

Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.

Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images.

The course of true anything never does run smooth.

If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry.

Knowledge is power.

[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity: (1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a

There's such a thing as too much point on a pencil.

Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.

Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them.

If Christianity was morality, Socrates would be the Saviour.

Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.

Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge.

Burnt Sienna. That's the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas.

I believe that the moment is near when by a procedure of active paranoiac thought, it will be possible to systematize confusion and contribute to the total discrediting of the world of reality.

An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition.

Everything is possible. Pass the word.

If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.

It's from Casablanca. I've been waiting all my life to use that line.

"Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none."

There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum.

San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.

The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go to erase it.

You tread upon my patience.

When the sun shineth, make hay.

Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather a new wearer of clothes.

Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.

Why are you doing this to me? Because knowledge is torture, and there must be awareness before there is change.

Consider well the proportions of things. It is better to be a young June-bug than an old bird of paradise.

Whatever doesn't succeed in two months and a half in California will never succeed.

This was the most unkindest cut of all.

Credit ... is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man.

Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish.

I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike.

Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of government, therefore,

Mankind is poised midway between the gods and the beasts.

Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental Anguish. You would sue: * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions

All Gods were immortal.

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.

What does it take for Americans to do great things; to go to the moon, to win wars, to dig canals linking oceans, to build railroads across a continent? In independent thought about this question, Neil Armstrong and I concluded that it takes a coinci

If we spoke a different language, we would perceive a somewhat different world.

All phone calls are obscene.

You have all eternity to be cautious in when you're dead.

NEW YORK

There is no sin but ignorance.

Theology is an attempt to explain a subject by men who do not understand it. The intent is not to tell the truth but to satisfy the questioner.

Set the cart before the horse.

We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm.

Lord, what fools these mortals be!

Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.

A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks.

XXI: It's easy to get a loan unless you need it. XXII: If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock, not selling advice. XXIII: Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is currently estimated. XXIV:

I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem.

A definition of teaching: casting fake pearls before real swine.

If men are not afraid to die, it is of no avail to threaten them with death. If men live in constant fear of dying, And if breaking the law means a man will be killed, Who will dare to break the law? There is always an official executioner. If

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying other things.

We should be glad we're living in the time that we are. If any of us had been born into a more enlightened age, I'm sure we would have immediately been taken out and shot.

If you want divine justice, die.

If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.

If you don't count some of Jehovah's injunctions, there are no humorists in the Bible.

Sorry 'bout that sweat, honey. That's just holy water.

Money doesn't talk, it swears.

Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is liked getting kicked out of the Book-of-the-Month Club.

Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which millionaires tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth.

The only promotion rules I can think of are that a sense of shame is to be avoided at all costs and there is never any reason for a hustler to be less cunning than more virtuous men. Oh yes ... whenever you think you've got something really great, a

What excuses stand in your way? How can you eliminate them?

"It's kind of fun to do the impossible."

You get what you pay for.