There has been a little distress selling on the stock exchange.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief.

Or you or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company.

"Is it just me, or does anyone else read `bible humpers' every time someone writes `bible thumpers?'

I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches.

Have you ever stopped to think what it would be like to have a woman President? "I can't deal with the Russians today. Not now. I've got my period."

Boston State House is the hub of the Solar System. You couldn't pry that out of a Boston man if you had the tire of all creation straightened out for a crowbar.

He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news.

Divorce is a game played by lawyers.

You cannot see the wood for the trees.

An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see a great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures. I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment. I have given up everything I was aske

What!? Me worry?

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it "Christmas" and went to

Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills.

What we do not understand we do not possess.

Many of the characters are fools and they are always playing tricks on me and treating me badly.

It's not a sin not to be Irish, but it is a great shame.

Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think about sex at all... they become lawyers.

The truth is rarely pure, and never simple.

There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need the money; the second that you have something to say that you think the world should know; the third is that you can't think what to do with the long winter evenings.

It is convenient that there be gods, and, as it is convenient, let us believe there are.

The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization.

When I came back to Dublin I was courtmartialed in my absence and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.

Alas, I am dying beyond my means.

Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away.

In breeding cattle you need one bull for every twenty-five cows, unless the cows are known sluts.

Authors (and perhaps columnists) eventually rise to the top of whatever depths they were once able to plumb.

Immature artists imitate, mature artists steal.

By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve.

Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with a valentine.

I always had a repulsive need to be something more than human.

Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than being flat broke and having a stomach ache.

Brahma said: Well, after hearing ten thousand explanations, a fool is no wiser. But an intelligent man needs only two thousand five hundred.

If the ends don't justify the means, then what does?

In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they have obtained from books of travel.

Out of sight is out of mind.

Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with royal-blue chickens.

The man who has never been flogged has never been taught.

If you are shooting under 80 you are neglecting your business; over 80 you are neglecting your golf.

I think we're in trouble.

Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade, since it consists principally of dealings with men.

Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.

Ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach, Or what's a heaven for ?

When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.

Don't go to bed with no price on your head.

Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more spectacular adventure starring... Tippy, the Wonder Dog!

Chapter 1 The story so far: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

If one inquires why the American tradition is so strong against any connection of State and Church, why it dreads even the rudiments of religious teaching in state-maintained schools, the immediate and superficial answer is not far to seek. ... The

He who fears the unknown may one day flee from his own backside.

"I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path."

The world is full of people who have never, since childhood, met an open doorway with an open mind.

The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning, and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished.

Having nothing, nothing can he lose.

It is either through the influence of narcotic potions, of which all primitive peoples and races speak in hymns, or through the powerful approach of spring, penetrating with joy all of nature, that those Dionysian stirrings arise, which in their int

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.

There is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty. "When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend."

Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l.

What one fool can do, another can.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

Most general statements are false, including this one.

Grig (the navigator): ... so you see, it's just the two of us against the entire space armada. Alex (the gunner): What?!? Grig: I've always wanted to fight a desperate battle against overwhelming odds. Alex: It'll be a slaughter! Grig: That'

The Israelis are the Doberman pinschers of the Middle East. They treat the Arabs like postmen.

It is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final.

This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it.

Anything is possible on paper.

The major sin is the sin of being born.

If I could reach, I'd never leave the house.

Why be a man when you can be a success?

Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin.

"It's kind of fun to do the impossible."

An honest tale speeds best being plainly told.

Crucifixes are sexy because there's a naked man on them.

If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him. They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun of it.

It is so stupid of modern civilisation to have given up believing in the devil when he is the only explanation of it.

The executioner is, I hear, very expert, and my neck is very slender.

Fast ship? You mean you've never heard of the Millennium Falcon?

Bingo, gas station, hamburger with a side order of airplane noise, and you'll be Gary, Indiana.

Another day, another dollar.

In my end is my beginning.

Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.

Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant.

Whom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods.

Never have so many understood so little about so much.

We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it - and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that is well; but also she will never

"And Bezel saideth unto Sham: `Sham,' he saideth, `Thou shalt goest unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits, provideth that they are nice and fresh.'"

If a fool persists in his folly he shall become wise.

As long as there are entrenched social and political distinctions between sexes, races or classes, there will be forms of science whose main function is to rationalize and legitimize these distinctions.

Illusion is the first of all pleasures.

I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of the sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for you are loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway.

Roumanian-Yiddish cooking has killed more Jews than Hitler.

A morgue is a morgue is a morgue. They can paint the walls with aggressively cheerful primary colors and splashy bold graphics, but it's still a holding place for the dead until they can be parted out to organ banks. Not that I would have cared nor

I have had my television aerials removed. It's the moral equivalent of a prostate operation.

The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt.

Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher. The butcher is weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and weeks. He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists, but he sings about his gin

"... all the modern inconveniences ..."

Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit. [There is no great genius without some touch of madness.]

Praise the sea; on shore remain.

An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God. Some of these eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as possible.

Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be surprised at how little you have.

If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

There are many of us in this old world of ours who hold that things break about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get about the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summer and the poor get it in the winter.

The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be able to correct them.

If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The "professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on t

... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If somebody gets handed a name like "H.

Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort of like a shell leaving the nut behind.

Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse.

Facts, apart from their relationships, are like labels on empty bottles.

Every person, all the events in your life are there because you have drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you.

The problem that we thought was a problem was, indeed, a problem, but not the problem we thought was the problem.

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.

Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend.

If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly.