The public is an old woman. Let her maunder and mumble.

There's such a thing as too much point on a pencil.

If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.

"You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks."

Reality is just a convenient measure of complexity.

Force has no place where there is need of skill.

People of privilege will always risk their complete destruction rather than surrender any material part of their advantage.

No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings.

Nothing, nothing, nothing, no error, no crime is so absolutely repugnant to God as everything which is official; and why? because the official is so impersonal and therefore the deepest insult which can be offered to a personality.

"Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none."

He thinks the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived.

The only reward of virtue is virtue.

Politics, as a practice, whatever its professions, has always been the systematic organisation of hatreds.

I'm not sure I've even got the brains to be President.

Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books.

With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time they make a law it's a joke.

Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.

Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder aloud what the country could do under first-class management.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

[The members of the Chamberlain government] are decided only to be undecided, resolved to be irresolute, adamant for drift, all-powerful for impotency.

To have died once is enough.

Those who are mentally and emotionally healthy are those who have learned when to say yes, when to say no and when to say whoopee.

I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.

Don't take a nickel, just hand them your business card.

You can't run away forever, But there's nothing wrong with getting a good head start.

Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia because they were liars. The truth was that Plato knew philosophers couldn't compete successfully with poets.

Never tell people how to do things. Tell them WHAT to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.

It is better to live rich than to die rich.

If it takes a bloodbath, lets get it over with. No more appeasement.

Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and resisting the current what each had

Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations Various signs in Poland: Right turn toward immediate outside. Go soothingly in the snow, as there lurk the ski demons. Five o'clock tea at all hours. In a men's washroom in Sidney:

The Least Successful Police Dogs America has a very strong candidate in "La Dur", a fearsome looking schnauzer hound, who was retired from the Orlando police force in Florida in 1978. He consistently refused to do anything which might ruffle or of

The very remembrance of my former misfortune proves a new one to me.

When you die, you lose a very important part of your life.

The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use in effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the Declaration not for that, but for future use.

A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation. It takes an abundance of imagination, to be sure.

The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism are one, and that one is marxism.

I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some kind of loophole.

When there are two conflicting versions of the story, the wise course is to believe the one in which people appear at their worst.

Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.

While there's life, there's hope.

I acted to show my love for Jodie Foster.

A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms.

He who writes with no misspelled words has prevented a first suspicion on the limits of his scholarship or, in the social world, of his general education and culture.

Well, we'll really have a party, but we've gotta post a guard outside.

The scum also rises.

Fraud is the homage that force pays to reason.

Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.

The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.

Honesty's the best policy.

Don't go to bed with no price on your head.

So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence.

All of us should treasure his Oriental wisdom and his preaching of a Zen-like detachment, as exemplified by his constant reminder to clerks, tellers, or others who grew excited by his presence in their banks: "Just lie down on the floor and keep calm

Man must shape his tools lest they shape him.

Scrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the Presidency.

Whoever has lived long enough to find out what life is, knows how deep a debt of gratitude we owe to Adam, the first great benefactor of our race. He brought death into the world.

The true way goes over a rope which is not stretched at any great height but just above the ground. It seems more designed to make people stumble than to be walked upon.

"All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands."

Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very opposite applies with the judges.

Catholicism has changed tremendously in the recent years. Now when Communion is served there is also a salad bar.

Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to examine the laws of heat.

America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room. Every time it wags its tail, it knocks over a chair.

This sad little lizard told me that he was a brontosaurus on his mother's side. I did not laugh; people who boast of ancestry often have little else to sustain them. Humoring them costs nothing and adds happiness in a world in which happiness is al

Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.

Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And when you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks into you.

The last vestiges of the old Republic have been swept away.

The reasons that each of these countries has had to renege on its financial committments were all somewhat different: Argentina because of a war, Poland because of its vast misguided overinvestment in heavy industry, Honduras because the coffee price

Giving money and power to governments is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

"Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five hundred."

I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the kind of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled substances being in widespread use. Back then, there were no restrictions, in terms of talent, on who could make

Historians have now definitely established that Juan Cabrillo, discoverer of California, was not looking for Kansas, thus setting a precedent that continues to this day.

The only thing that stops God from sending a second Flood is that the first one was useless.

If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the Constitution. It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's statecraft. Instead, read selected portions of the Washington telephone directory containing listings for all th

Facts are the enemy of truth.

Too clever is dumb.

Television is now so desperately hungry for material that it is scraping the top of the barrel.

I'll turn over a new leaf.

If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women you've got in the house.

Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both yes and no.

There must be more to life than having everything.

What does education often do? It makes a straight cut ditch of a free meandering brook.

There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the existence of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any marginally competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat engine and make some other part of hell

I am America's child, a spastic slogging on demented limbs drooling I'll trade my PhD for a telephone voice.

The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence that it is not utterly absurd; indeed, in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind, a widespread belief is more often likely to be foolish than sensible.

Must I hold a candle to my shames?

To be patriotic, hate all nations but your own; to be religious, all sects but your own; to be moral, all pretenses but your own.

"What's this? Trix? Aunt! Trix? You? You're after the prize! What is it?" He picked up the box and studied the back. "A glow-in-the-dark squid! Have you got it out of there yet?" He tilted the box, angling the little colored balls of cereal

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

Pilfering Treasury property is paticularly dangerous: big thieves are ruthless in punishing little thieves.

If you don't count some of Jehovah's injunctions, there are no humorists in the Bible.

The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to do what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with them while they do it.

Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.

Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have.

There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Pope.

People in general do not willingly read if they have anything else to amuse them.

If Presidents don't do it to their wives, they do it to the country.

"Yes, that was Richard Nixon. He used to be President. When he left the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware."

No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.

It'll be just like Beggars' Canyon back home.

All religions issue Bibles against Satan, and say the most injurious things against him, but we never hear his side.

My advice to the women's clubs of America is to raise more hell and fewer dahlias.

Take what you can use and let the rest go by.

I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a toilet seat.

The infliction of cruelty with a good conscience is a delight to moralists. That is why they invented hell.

It is only by risking our persons from one hour to another that we live at all. And often enough our faith beforehand in an uncertified result is the only thing that makes the result come true.

Veni, vidi, vici. [I came, I saw, I conquered].

The Crown is full of it!

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

The older I grow, the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.

"Hey, Sam, how about a loan?" "Whattaya need?" "Oh, about $500." "Whattaya got for collateral?" "Whattaya need?" "How about an eye?"

We give advice, but we cannot give the wisdom to profit by it.

A yawn is a silent shout.

You can't expect a boy to be vicious till he's been to a good school.