In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty lashes with the cat or the dog,

What excuses stand in your way? How can you eliminate them?

Since everything in life is but an experience perfect in being what it is, having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well burst out in laughter.

The philosopher's treatment of a question is like the treatment of an illness.

The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.

Life is the childhood of our immortality.

He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news.

If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it around. Trouble creates a capacity to handle it. I don't say embrace trouble; that's as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say meet it as a friend, for you'll see a lot of it and y

God help those who do not help themselves.

Ain't no right way to do a wrong thing.

Great acts are made up of small deeds.

The salary of the chief executive of the large corporation is not a market award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal gesture by the individual to himself.

One good turn asketh another.

Luck can't last a lifetime, unless you die young.

Men of lofty genius when they are doing the least work are most active.

American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference between the men's room and the women's room with

If we see the light at the end of the tunnel, it's the light of an oncoming train.

A woman takes off her claim to respect along with her garments.

An aphorism is never exactly true; it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths.

Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks.

God gave man two ears and one tongue so that we listen twice as much as we speak.

Necessity hath no law.

Without adventure, civilization is in full decay.

Never take a resume seriously. Resumes only make money for the people who write the resumes. No resume ever tells an employer how many times a job applicant has had the clap. Why, indeed, would anyone hire a person based on a resume written by a

Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near the earth's surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people to do so.

How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another in the waking state?

Getting into trouble is easy.

A violent man will die a violent death.

I didn't believe in reincarnation in any of my other lives. I don't see why I should have to believe in it in this one.

Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high, they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.

Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled.

The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization.

True to our past we work with an inherited, observed, and accepted vision of personal futility, and of the beauty of the world.

Better tried by twelve than carried by six.

It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed.

If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The "professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on t

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!" "However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."

The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic devices, such as television sets and VCR's, to the destruction centers, where trained personnel would whack them (the devices) with sledgehammers. With their devices thus permanent

Every man who has reached even his intellectual teens begins to suspect that life is no farce; that it is not genteel comedy even; that it flowers and fructifies on the contrary out of the profoundest tragic depths of the essential death in which its

There's no such thing as a free lunch.

We're all in this alone.

A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.

A witty saying proves nothing.

For thee the wonder-working earth puts forth sweet flowers.

"We maintain that the very foundation of our way of life is what we call free enterprise," said Cash McCall, "but when one of our citizens show enough free enterprise to pile up a little of that profit, we do our best to make him feel that he ought t

"If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far."

An office party is not, as is sometimes supposed the Managing Director's chance to kiss the tea-girl. It is the tea-girl's chance to kiss the Managing Director (however bizarre an ambition this may seem to anyone who has seen the Managing Director f

There is more to life than increasing its speed.

Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground

Home is where the hurt is.

Man is the measure of all things.

Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit. [There is no great genius without some touch of madness.]

We should realize that a city is better off with bad laws, so long as they remain fixed, then with good laws that are constantly being altered, that the lack of learning combined with sound common sense is more helpful than the kind of cleverness th

When the ax entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us!"

Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and resisting the current what each had

As failures go, attempting to recall the past is like trying to grasp the meaning of existence. Both make one feel like a baby clutching at a basketball: one's palms keep sliding off.

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.

If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.

One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to represent a creative meeting, and the ratio c

"Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong."

Catharsis is something I associate with pornography and crossword puzzles.

Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather a new wearer of clothes.

All is well that ends well.

So you think that money is the root of all evil. Have you ever asked what is the root of money?

Walking on water wasn't built in a day.

The future not being born, my friend, we will abstain from baptizing it.

A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper.

XXVI: If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed on each other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to chance. XXVII: Rank does not intimidate hardware. Neither does the lack of rank. XXVIII: It is better to be the r

We have lingered long enough on the shores of the Cosmic Ocean.

Whatever is not nailed down is mine. Whatever I can pry up is not nailed down.

Exxon's 'Universe of Energy' tends to the peculiar rather than the humorous ... After [an incomprehensible film montage about wind and sun and rain and strip mines and] two or three minutes of mechanical confusion, the seats locomote through a short

Remembering is for those who have forgotten.

With women, I've got a long bamboo pole with a leather loop on the end of it. I slip the loop around their necks so they can't get away or come too close. Like catching snakes.

I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.

It was a female that drove me to drink and I didn't even have the kindness to thank her.

We are what we pretend to be.

If the ends don't justify the means, then what does?

And ever has it been known that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.

Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.

Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them.

The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.

I owe the public nothing.

Have you ever stopped to think what it would be like to have a woman President? "I can't deal with the Russians today. Not now. I've got my period."

Lo! Men have become the tool of their tools.

I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two highly trained certified public accountants.

Honesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty.

The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to do what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with them while they do it.

To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D.

An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God. Some of these eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as possible.

Sic transit gloria mundi. [So passes away the glory of this world.]

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man.

There's nothing worse for your business than extra Santa Clauses smoking in the men's room.

Anything is possible on paper.

Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.

If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.

The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch someone else doing it wrong, without commenting.

Moneyliness is next to Godliness.

My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind.

Term, holidays, term, holidays, till we leave school, and then work, work, work till we die.

We are governed not by armies and police but by ideas.

Remember that there is an outside world to see and enjoy.

Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.

If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could work for with a great deal of enjoyment.

Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch" may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used whe

What fools these mortals be.

The world is your exercise-book, the pages on which you do your sums. It is not reality, although you can express reality there if you wish. You are also free to write nonsense, or lies, or to tear the pages.

We have reason to be afraid. This is a terrible place.

Divorce is a game played by lawyers.

To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.

May you live in uninteresting times.

Nothing succeeds like excess.

A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.