One learns to itch where one can scratch.

The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.

There are no accidents whatsoever in the universe.

There are two kinds of fool. One says, "This is old, and therefore good." And one says, "This is new, and therefore better"

When I first arrived in this country I had only fifteen cents in my pocket and a willingness to compromise.

A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many bad measures.

If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know.

If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry.

"If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination."

Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.

I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce.

In Pierre Trudeau, Canada has finally produced a Prime Minister worthy of assassination.

The Worst Prison Guards The largest number of convicts ever to escape simultaneously from a maximum security prison is 124. This record is held by Alcoente Prison, near Lisbon in Portugal. During the weeks leading up to the escape in July 1978 th

If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.

Once is happenstance, Twice is coincidence, Three times is enemy action.

What excuses stand in your way? How can you eliminate them?

Mandrell: "You know what I think?" Doctor: "Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you don't think, right?"

Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.

[The French Riviera is] a sunny place for shady people.

"Well, it's garish, ugly, and derelicts have used it for a toilet. The rides are dilapidated to the point of being lethal, and could easily maim or kill innocent little children." "Oh, so you don't like it?" "Don't like it? I'm CRAZY for it."

Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they would. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect that much.

Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people.

You're never too old to become younger.

"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"

A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!" "However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."

If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.

If I made peace with Russia today, I'd only attack her again tomorrow. I just couldn't help myself.

Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his followers. One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She

The more laws and order are made prominent, the more thieves and robbers there will be.

Confucius say too much.

Time as he grows old teaches all things.

I dote on his very absence.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer.

Solipsists of the World... you are already united.

If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, it might well prolong his life.

Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have taken him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an excess of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature.

I had never been too political, but I knew how white people treated black people and it was hard for me to come back to the bullshit white people put a black person through in this country. To realize you don't have any power to make things differen

You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day.

Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.

People of privilege will always risk their complete destruction rather than surrender any material part of their advantage.

Men's skin is different from women's skin. It is usually bigger, and it has more snakes tattooed on it. Also, if you examine a woman's skin very closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently tracing the slender curve of her cal

We know next to nothing about virtually everything. It is not necessary to know the origin of the universe; it is necessary to want to know. Civilization depends not on any particular knowledge, but on the disposition to crave knowledge.

If what they've been doing hasn't solved the problem, tell them to do something else.

Forgive and forget.

The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern. Every class is unfit to govern.

America, I'm putting my queer shoulder to the wheel.

Imagine what we can imagine!

The way of the world is to praise dead saints and prosecute live ones.

In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!"

A violent man will die a violent death.

I think we are in Rats' Alley where the dead men lost their bones.

The more the merrier.

Politics, like religion, hold up the torches of matrydom to the reformers of error.

The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.

God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little... The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty [...] I do not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman... not enough to support a man and fiv

God help those who do not help themselves.

The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to everybody and still nobody likes him.

Democracy is good. I say this because other systems are worse.

I used to be disgusted, now I find I'm just amused.

"Rights" is a fictional abstraction. No one has "Rights", neither machines nor flesh-and-blood. Persons... have opportunities, not rights, which they use or do not use.

Some people say a front-engine car handles best. Some people say a rear-engine car handles best. I say a rented car handles best.

Luck, that's when preparation and opportunity meet.

Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two points.

Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry.

I'd just as soon kiss a Wookie.

What we see depends on mainly what we look for.

Walk softly and carry a big stick.

Andrea: Unhappy the land that has no heroes. Galileo: No, unhappy the land that _____needs heroes.

The man who runs may fight again.

Whatever is not nailed down is mine. Whatever I can pry up is not nailed down.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment.

Why attack God? He may be as miserable as we are.

Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be surprised at how little you have.

The average Ph.D thesis is nothing but the transference of bones from one graveyard to another.

Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game - it, and high taxes.

Lord, what fools these mortals be!

Satire is tragedy plus time.

If you cannot convince them, confuse them.

Another such victory over the Romans, and we are undone.

When I came back to Dublin I was courtmartialed in my absence and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.

He didn't run for reelection. "Politics brings you into contact with all the people you'd give anything to avoid," he said. "I'm staying home."

The optimum committee has no members.

Why, when no honest man will deny in private that every ultimate problem is wrapped in the profoundest mystery, do honest men proclaim in pulpits that unhesitating certainty is the duty of the most foolish and ignorant? Is it not a spectacle to make

They also serve who only stand and wait.

Every country has the government it deserves.

My daddy's brains was so scrambled he thought he was Jesus. They put him in a nut house for 5 years and when he got out, he didn't think he was Jesus, he thought he was *God*! ... Which made me Jesus.

Plus ,ca change, plus c'est la m^eme chose. [The more things change, the more they remain the same.]

Art is anything you can get away with.

Isn't it nice that people who prefer Los Angeles to San Francisco live there?

When the President does it, that means it is not illegal.

The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to do what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with them while they do it.

Beauty is one of the rare things which does not lead to doubt of God.

Even God cannot change the past.

"The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as we could with both of them."

He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news.

A national debt, if it is not excessive, will be to us a national blessing.

Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result.

Political speeches are like steer horns. A point here, a point there, and a lot of bull inbetween.

Pilfering Treasury property is paticularly dangerous: big thieves are ruthless in punishing little thieves.

Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books.

A group of politicians deciding to dump a President because his morals are bad is like the Mafia getting together to bump off the Godfather for not going to church on Sunday.

In the future, there will be fewer but better Russians.

If we can ever make red tape nutritional, we can feed the world.

"You and I as individuals can, by borrowing, live beyond our means, but only for a limited period of time. Why should we think that collectively, as a nation, we are not bound by that same limitation?"

Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief.

Events are not affected, they develop.

Awash with unfocused desire, Everett twisted the lobe of his one remaining ear and felt the presence of somebody else behind him, which caused terror to push through his nervous system like a flash flood roaring down the mid-fork of the Feather River

Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very opposite applies with the judges.

The genius of our ruling class is that it has kept a majority of the people from ever questioning the inequity of a system where most people drudge along paying heavy taxes for which they get nothing in return.

VI: A hungry dog hunts best. A hungrier dog hunts even better. VII: Decreased business base increases overhead. So does increased business base. VIII: The most unsuccessful four years in the education of a cost-estimator is fifth grade ari

We are so fond of each other because our ailments are the same.

How should they answer?

The sky is blue so we know where to stop mowing.

Nonsense and beauty have close connections.