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"To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition."

Fadiman Clifton


No one regards what is before his feet; we all gaze at the stars.

Fadiman Clifton


Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind the railroad yards."

Fadiman Clifton


If any demonstrator ever lays down in front of my car, it'll be the last car he ever lays down in front of.

Fadiman Clifton


The two party system ... is a triumph of the dialectic. It showed that two could be one and one could be two and had probably been fabricated by Hegel for the American market on a subcontract from General Dynamics.

Far Kilgore Trout


It seems appropriate to me that Mapplethorpe's perverse images should be situated so close to Congress, which perpetuates a number of unnatural acts upon the body politic every day, without benefit of artificial lubrication or foreplay.

Faulkner William


According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could beat up their

Faulkner William


There are no great men, buster. There are only men.

Fawcett-Majors Farrah


In the misfortune of our friends we find something that is not displeasing to us.

Fee Elizabeth


The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate knowledge of its ugly side.

Feibleman James


You can't depend on the man who made the mess to clean it up.

Feiffer J.


The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.

Feiffer J.


Burnt Sienna. That's the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas.

Feirstein Bruce


A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.

Fenelon Francois


The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me.

Feodor Dostoevsky


I always had a repulsive need to be something more than human.

Ferdinand Marechal Foch


I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the whole field to private industry.

Fiebig Jim


The nearer to the church, the further from God.

Fields W.C.


Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods.

Fields W.C.


True leadership is the art of changing a group from what it is to what it ought to be.

Fields W.C.


If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.

Fields W.C.


More people are flattered into virtue than bullied out of vice.

Finley J.H.


All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by the government in less than a second.

Finley Peter Dunne


One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious.

Fisher John


It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is?

Fishhawk Prof. Cosmo


Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think about sex at all... they become lawyers.

Fitch G.


I've got Hubert's pecker in my pocket.

Fitzgera F. Scott


Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental Anguish. You would sue: * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions

Fitzgera F. Scott


A good name lost is seldom regained. When character is gone, all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever.

Fitzgerald F. Scott


The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist knows it.

Flagg Reuben


Here's to women. Would that we could fall into her arms without falling into her hands.

Flaubert


The more the merrier.

Florio John


When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane."

Floyd Mengot


It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being.

Flynn Errol


It's always darkest just before the lights go out.

Foote Samuel


There is a road to freedom. Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor, Honesty, Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and love of the Fatherland.

Ford Henry


Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.

Foreman John


Why my thoughts are my own, when they are in, but when they are out they are another's.

Forster E.M.


Modesty is a vastly overrated virtue.

Forward R.L.


For every bloke who makes his mark, there's half a dozen waiting to rub it out.

Fosdick Harry Emerson


"Go on, girl! You'll never get a better chance to buy Jif at this price. *Carpe diem*, babe!"

Fowler Gene


An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest.

Foxx Redd


HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., motion that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate amendment making changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. The Senate amendment was an amendment to the

Frampton Peter


Andrea: Unhappy the land that has no heroes. Galileo: No, unhappy the land that _____needs heroes.

Fran Lebowitz


An aphorism is never exactly true; it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths.

Fran Lebowitz


Now it is such a bizarrely improbable coincidence that anything so mind- bogglingly useful could have evolved purely by chance that some thinkers have chosen to see it as a final and clinching proof of the non-existence of God. The argument follows:

Fran Lebowitz


Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic table.

France Anatole


Gratitude and treachery are merely the two extremities of the same procession. You have seen all of it that is worth staying for when the band and the gaudy officials have gone by.

France Anatole


I shall give a propagandist reason for starting the war, no matter whether it is plausible or not. The victor will not be asked afterwards whether he told the truth or not. When starting and waging war it is not right that matters, but victory.

France Anatole


If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.

France Anatole


I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches.

France Anatole


At ebb tide I wrote a line upon the sand, and gave it all my heart and all my soul. At flood tide I returned to read what I had inscribed and found my ignorance upon the shore.

France Anatole


My method is to take the utmost trouble to find the right thing to say. And then say it with the utmost levity.

France Anatole


The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.

France Anatole


It's very glamorous to raise millions of dollars, until it's time for the venture capitalist to suck your eyeballs out.

Franci KFOG San


Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.

Francis Brendan


You are never given a wish without also being given the power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however.

Francis


"Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception."

Francis


A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms.

Francisc Colin Bowles San


"Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you."

Frank Ann


Lack of money is the root of all evil.

Frank Costello


Ye've also got to remember that ... respectable people do the most astonishin' things to preserve their respectability. Thank God I'm not respectable.

Frank Costello


To use violence is to already be defeated.

Frank Herbert


A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him.

Frank Herbert


I used to be a rebel in my youth. This cause... that cause... (chuckle) I backed 'em ALL! But I learned. Rebellion is simply a device used by the immature to hide from his own problems. So I lost interest in politics. Now when I feel aroused by

Frank Herbert


Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away someone else's cash.

Frank Herbert


Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future.

Franklin B.


Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it's just the opposite.

Franklin B.


It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people.

Franklin B.


No guest is so welcome in a friend's house that he will not become a nuisance after three days.

Franklin B.


The Least Perceptive Literary Critic The most important critic in our field of study is Lord Halifax. A most individual judge of poetry, he once invited Alexander Pope round to give a public reading of his latest poem. Pope, the leading poet of h

Franklin B.


Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at reasonable prices? Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's build a home center. And before long ho

Franklin B.


Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity. They seem more afraid of life than death.

Franklin Ben


If you want divine justice, die.

Franklin Ben


A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation. It takes an abundance of imagination, to be sure.

Franklin Ben


Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.

Franklin Benjamin


I have had my television aerials removed. It's the moral equivalent of a prostate operation.

Franklin Benjamin


I sometimes think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Franklin Benjamin


"I have to convince you, or at least snow you ..."

Franklin Benjamin


"Yes, that was Richard Nixon. He used to be President. When he left the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware."

Franklin Benjamin


"Oh, yes. The important thing about having lots of things to remember is that you've got to go somewhere afterwards where you can remember them, you see? You've got to stop. You haven't really been anywhere until you've got back home. I think th

Franklin Benjamin


Wagner's music is better than it sounds.

Franklin Benjamin


Most general statements are false, including this one.

Franklin Benjamin


The road to ruin is always in good repair, and the travellers pay the expense of it.

Franklin Benjamin


Why am I so soft in the middle when the rest of my life is so hard?

Franklin Benjamin


I don't understand what all the fuss was about in Los Angeles. It's not like we looted Brooks Brothers when Oliver North got off.

Fratianno


The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.

Fratianno


Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases.

Fratianno


Don't guess

Fred Allen


Something better... 1 (obvious): Excuse me. Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face? 2 (meteorological): Everybody take cover. She's going to blow. 3 (fashionable): You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore something l

Freud Sigmund


Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.

Freud Sigmund


If God had really intended men to fly, he'd make it easier to get to the airport.

Friedman Milton


I consider the day misspent that I am not either charged with a crime, or arrested for one.

Friendman Milton


The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.

Friendman Milton


You'd best be snoozin', 'cause you don't be gettin' no work done at 5 a.m. anyway.

Fright Nero Wolfe


He looked at me as if I were a side dish he hadn't ordered.

Fringe Beyond the


Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives.

Fringe Beyond the


One of the pleasures of reading old letters is the knowledge that they need no answer.

Fritzlar Herbert von


Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.

Frog Kermit the


The only cultural advantage LA has over NY is that you can make a right turn on a red light.

Fromme Squeaky


Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak!

Frost Robert


When in doubt, tell the truth.

Frost Robert


The only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane.

Frost Robert


I'd just as soon kiss a Wookie.

Frost Robert


Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?

Frost Robert


VI: A hungry dog hunts best. A hungrier dog hunts even better. VII: Decreased business base increases overhead. So does increased business base. VIII: The most unsuccessful four years in the education of a cost-estimator is fifth grade ari

Frost Robert


Anyone who knows history, particularly the history of Europe, will, I think, recognize that the domination of education or of government by any one particular religious faith is never a happy arrangement for the people.

Frost Robert


If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing.

Fry Christopher


Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images.

Fuldheim Dorothy


It is dangerous for a national candidate to say things that people might remember.

Fuller Buckminster


In the first place, God made idiots; this was for practice; then he made school boards.

Fuller Buckminster


Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near the earth's surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people to do so.

Fuller R. Buckminster


In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.

Fuller R. Buckminster


The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern. Every class is unfit to govern.

Fylstra Dan





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I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a toilet seat.
McShane Michael

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