I am just a nice, clean-cut Mongolian boy.

per year.

"No job too big; no fee too big!"

Mental power tended to corrupt, and absolute intelligence tended to corrupt absolutely, until the victim eschewed violence entirely in favor of smart solutions to stupid problems.

Go ahead... make my day.

Everyone is in the best seat.

You get what you pay for.

It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either.

Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.

Odets, where is thy sting?

There is a limit to the admiration we may hold for a man who spends his waking hours poking the contents of chickens with a stick.

Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamp-post how it feels about dogs.

Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist drivel; Star Trek can turn your brains to puree of bat guano; and the greatest science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll take you all on, one-by-one or all in a bunc

If there really was a Jewish conspiracy to run the world, my rabbi would have let me in on it by now. I contribute enough to the shule.

Every man who has reached even his intellectual teens begins to suspect that life is no farce; that it is not genteel comedy even; that it flowers and fructifies on the contrary out of the profoundest tragic depths of the essential death in which its

You have all eternity to be cautious in when you're dead.

Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away someone else's cash.

You can bring men from other parts of the world who are sane. And you know what happens? At the very moment they cross those mountains... they go mad. Instantaneously and automatically, at the very moment they cross the mountains into California,

Aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star.

What!? Me worry?

All the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow.

Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind.

"It don't matter, Sail, ... Could be worse. The fam'ly might be donatin' the proceeds to the Cath'lic Church, or the Mormons or somethin'. One cult's the same another."

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels, each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall was a gate.

Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their handbags are full.

Fortune and love befriend the bold.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.

Luck can't last a lifetime, unless you die young.

The farther you go, the less you know.

By the middle 1880's, practically all the roads except those in the South, were of the present standard gauge. The southern roads were still five feet between rails. It was decided to change the gauge of all southern roads to standard, in one day

I'm going to raise an issue and stick it in your ear.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

You never have to change anything you got up in the middle of the night to write.

Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.

Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it!

The error of youth is to believe that intelligence is a substitute for experience, while the error of age is to believe experience is a substitute for intelligence.

All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies.

TO THOSE OF YOU WHO DESIRE IT, I GRANT YOU MADRAK'S BLESSING: Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you may have done or failed to do which requires for

The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.

IV. The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. Such an object is inevitably price

I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't seem to work.

By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death.

Credit ... is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man.

Yevtushenko has... an ego that can crack crystal at a distance of twenty feet.

It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the r

If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport.

The Bible is not my Book and Christianity is not my religion. I could never give assent to the long complicated statements of Christian dogma.

The future is a race between education and catastrophe.

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.

Save the Whales

The nearer to the church, the further from God.

We were so poor we couldn't afford a watchdog. If we heard a noise at night, we'd bark ourselves.

I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some kind of loophole.

The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of management is that success equals skill.

... but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women were convicted of witch

God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through.

The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine we own.

Love the sea? I dote upon it

If you are shooting under 80 you are neglecting your business; over 80 you are neglecting your golf.

Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game - it, and high taxes.

Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

A drama critic is a person who surprises a playwright by informing him what he meant.

XXI: It's easy to get a loan unless you need it. XXII: If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock, not selling advice. XXIII: Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is currently estimated. XXIV:

He that bringeth a present, findeth the door open.

All of us should treasure his Oriental wisdom and his preaching of a Zen-like detachment, as exemplified by his constant reminder to clerks, tellers, or others who grew excited by his presence in their banks: "Just lie down on the floor and keep calm

The Worst Musical Trio There are few bad musicians who have a chance to give a recital at a famous concert hall while still learning the rudiments of their instrument. This happened about thirty years ago to the son of a Rumanian gentleman who was

For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.

Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.

A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the damned things is ample.

Chance is perhaps the work of God when He did not want to sign.

I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock.

The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.

Don't get mad, get even.

Let sleeping dogs lie.

Everything is possible. Pass the word.

Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than being flat broke and having a stomach ache.

If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world.

To listen to some devout people, one would imagine that God never laughs.

He thought of Musashi, the Sword Saint, standing in his garden more than three hundred years ago. "What is the 'Body of a rock'?" he was asked. In answer, Musashi summoned a pupil of his and bid him kill himself by slashing his abdomen with a knife.

I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two highly trained certified public accountants.

Many of the characters are fools and they are always playing tricks on me and treating me badly.

Princeton's taste is sweet like a strawberry tart. Harvard's is a subtle taste, like whiskey, coffee, or tobacco. It may even be a bad habit, for all I know.

The salary of the chief executive of the large corporation is not a market award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal gesture by the individual to himself.

In spite of everything, I still believe that people are good at heart.

My dear People. My dear Bagginses and Boffins, and my dear Tooks and Brandybucks, and Grubbs, and Chubbs, and Burrowses, and Hornblowers, and Bolgers, Bracegirdles, Goodbodies, Brockhouses and Proudfoots. Also my good Sackville Bagginses that I w

I went into the business for the money, and the art grew out of it. If people are disillusioned by that remark, I can't help it. It's the truth.

A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth.

Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith.

All men know the utility of useful things; but they do not know the utility of futility.

Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule."

You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.

If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish.

Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.

Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations Various signs in Poland: Right turn toward immediate outside. Go soothingly in the snow, as there lurk the ski demons. Five o'clock tea at all hours. In a men's washroom in Sidney:

The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch someone else doing it wrong, without commenting.

Who dat who say "who dat" when I say "who dat"?

Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.

A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.

The Worst Car Hire Service When David Schwartz left university in 1972, he set up Rent-a-wreck as a joke. Being a natural prankster, he acquired a fleet of beat-up shabby, wreckages waiting for the scrap heap in California. He put on a cap and lo

"I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment."

To accuse others for one's own misfortunes is a sign of want of education. To accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun. To accuse neither oneself nor others shows that one's education is complete.

She applies her lipstick in spite of its contents: "greasy rouge, containing crushed and dried insect corpses for coloring, beeswax for stiffness, and olive oil to help it flow - the latter having the unfortunate tendency to go rancid several hours a

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.

I'd just as soon kiss a Wookie.

If God is One, what is bad?

For if there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life.

A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)

Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia because they were liars. The truth was that Plato knew philosophers couldn't compete successfully with poets.