It is the business of the future to be dangerous.

My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed.

... but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women were convicted of witch

When the sun shineth, make hay.

The optimum committee has no members.

A violent man will die a violent death.

A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!" "However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."

Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.

Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they would. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect that much.

"Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. My advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

We are what we pretend to be.

Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch" may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used whe

Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement.

Nonsense and beauty have close connections.

A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.

Two heads are better than one.

Men are superior to women.

Have you ever stopped to think what it would be like to have a woman President? "I can't deal with the Russians today. Not now. I've got my period."

The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it.

When I have one foot in the grave I will tell the truth about women. I shall tell it, jump into my coffin, pull the lid over me, and say, "Do what you like now."

Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business. Cheat.

Kindness is the beginning of cruelty.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

The whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively.

He who despairs over an event is a coward, but he who holds hopes for the human condition is a fool.

... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If somebody gets handed a name like "H.

Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at reasonable prices? Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's build a home center. And before long ho

A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies, scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom.

America, I'm putting my queer shoulder to the wheel.

Imagine what we can imagine!

Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry.

Time as he grows old teaches all things.

It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure.

In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence ... in time every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is incompetent to carry out its duties ... Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their

I'm going to raise an issue and stick it in your ear.

But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in 1877, was the phonograph, which could soo

A good name lost is seldom regained. When character is gone, all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever.

Sweet April showers do spring May flowers.

If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.

Nothing recedes like success.

To have died once is enough.

Littering is dumb.

He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.

"If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination."

If you catch a man, throw him back.

Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away someone else's cash.

If you live long enough, you'll see that every victory turns into a defeat.

Without adventure, civilization is in full decay.

"Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five hundred."

I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs.

Not to laugh, not to lament, not to curse, but to understand.

The world is your exercise-book, the pages on which you do your sums. It is not reality, although you can express reality there if you wish. You are also free to write nonsense, or lies, or to tear the pages.

A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility.

If men are not afraid to die, it is of no avail to threaten them with death. If men live in constant fear of dying, And if breaking the law means a man will be killed, Who will dare to break the law? There is always an official executioner. If

One good turn asketh another.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

If I could reach, I'd never leave the house.

Three o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too late or a little too early for anything you want to do.

You must be the change you wish to see in the world.

What one fool can do, another can.

I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some kind of loophole.

I BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on the same day. Then that night, they burned the wheel.

There is no cure for birth and death other than to enjoy the interval.

"Life is too important to take seriously."

If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The "professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on t

Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.

Look, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters, con-men. That's the way businesses get started. That's the way this country was built.

I love treason but hate a traitor.

Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.

Do not use that foreign word "ideals". We have that excellent native word "lies".

Chance is perhaps the work of God when He did not want to sign.

Beauty is one of the rare things which does not lead to doubt of God.

I just got off the phone with Sonny Barger [President of the Hell's Angels]. He wants me to appear as a character witness for him at his murder trial and said he'd be glad to appear as a character witness on my behalf if I ever needed one. Needless

Flame on!

It is annoying to be honest to no purpose.

Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith.

Set the cart before the horse.

"The jig's up, Elman." "Which jig?"

"I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment."

The longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate.

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.

Small is beautiful.

I didn't believe in reincarnation in any of my other lives. I don't see why I should have to believe in it in this one.

Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to exactly the point of most pressure.

True to our past we work with an inherited, observed, and accepted vision of personal futility, and of the beauty of the world.

Well begun is half done.

"If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far."

The possession of a book becomes a substitute for reading it.

Have the courage to take your own thoughts seriously, for they will shape you.

What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space-launch-style "hold" for two to three hours, durin

It is only the man whose intellect is clouded by his sexual impulse that could give the name of the fair sex to that undersized, narrow-shouldered, broad-hipped, and short-legged race.

"I'm dying," he croaked. "My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted . "You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized. "That's no beagle, it's a mongrel," she muttered. "The fire is going out," he bellowed. "Bad marksmanship," the h

Getting into trouble is easy.

A full belly makes a dull brain.

It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the r

When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.

I will make you shorter by the head.

Like, if I'm not for me, then fer shure, like who will be? And if, y'know, if I'm not like fer anyone else, then hey, I mean, what am I? And if not now, like I dunno, maybe like when? And if not Who, then I dunno, maybe like the Rolling Stones?

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

We all live in a state of ambitious poverty.

The great question that has never been answered and which I have not yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul is: WHAT DOES A WOMAN WANT?

Never appeal to a man's "better nature." He may not have one. Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.

Never buy from a rich salesman.

What soon grows old? Gratitude.

A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper.

Turn the other cheek.

Patience is the best remedy for every trouble.

The coast was clear.

A man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles in the road.

Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental Anguish. You would sue: * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions

The major sin is the sin of being born.

A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time of trouble.