All Gods were immortal.

Somewhat alarmed at the continued growth of the number of employees on the Department of Agriculture payroll in 1962, Michigan Republican Robert Griffin proposed an amendment to the farm bill so that "the total number of employees in the Department

If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, it might well prolong his life.

If you live long enough, you'll see that every victory turns into a defeat.

I found Rome a city of bricks and left it a city of marble.

It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two years.

Political history is far too criminal a subject to be a fit thing to teach children.

The means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers, always end up on their ends without any means.

In my experience, if you have to keep the lavatory door shut by extending your left leg, it's modern architecture.

A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.

Never tell people how to do things. Tell them WHAT to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.

A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.

Darth Vader! Only you would be so bold!

... why should you waste a single moment of *your* life seeming to be something you don't want to be? Lord, that's so simple. If you hate your job, quit it. If your friends are tedious, go out and find new friends. You are queer, you lucky fool, a

... but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women were convicted of witch

Dustin Farnum: Why, yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats! Oliver Herford: Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of it!

Maryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on the dance floor. Now everyone's doing it. It's called grand slam dancing.

The clergy successfully preached the doctrines of patience and pusillanimity; the active virtues of society were discouraged; and the last remains of a military spirit were buried in the cloister: a large portion of public and private wealth was cons

Facts are the enemy of truth.

In regards to Oral Roberts' claim that God told him that he would die unless he received $20 million by March, God's lawyers have stated that their client has not spoken with Roberts for several years. Off the record, God has stated that "If I had w

The great question that has never been answered and which I have not yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul is: WHAT DOES A WOMAN WANT?

Were there no women, men might live like gods.

I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law.

A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion.

Interesting poll results reported in today's New York Post: people on the street in midtown Manhattan were asked whether they approved of the US invasion of Grenada. Fifty-three percent said yes; 39 percent said no; and 8 percent said "Gimme a quart

We are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one.

Goals... Plans... they're fantasies, they're part of a dream world...

The Soviet Union, which has complained recently about alleged anti-Soviet themes in American advertising, lodged an official protest this week against the Ford Motor Company's new campaign: "Hey you stinking, fat Russian, get off my Ford Escort."

Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his followers. One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She

We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once.

If a man slept by day, he had little time to work. That was a satisfying notion to Escargot.

In the long run we are all dead.

He who writes with no misspelled words has prevented a first suspicion on the limits of his scholarship or, in the social world, of his general education and culture.

The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.

Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich and powerful know that he is.

Art is anything you can get away with.

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it "Christmas" and went to

A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake at the moment.

Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest men in national government too.

Dianetics is a milestone for man comparable to his discovery of fire and superior to his invention of the wheel and the arch.

There never was a good war or a bad peace.

The proof of the pudding is in the eating.

Free Speech Is The Right To Shout 'Theater' In A Crowded Fire.

The only certainty is that nothing is certain.

The last vestiges of the old Republic have been swept away.

You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.

Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they would. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect that much.

The best case: Get salary from America, build a house in England, live with a Japanese wife, and eat Chinese food. Pretty good case: Get salary from England, build a house in America, live with a Chinese wife, and eat Japanese food. The wo

You can build a throne out of bayonets, but you can't sit on it for very long.

The language of politics is poetry, not prose. Jackson is poetry. Cuomo is poetry. Dukakis is a word processor.

Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away?

Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all.

It's very glamorous to raise millions of dollars, until it's time for the venture capitalist to suck your eyeballs out.

British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive it. If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps.

People who develop the habit of thinking of themselves as world citizens are fulfilling the first requirement of sanity in our time.

The Least Successful Executions History has furnished us with two executioners worthy of attention. The first performed in Sydney in Australia. In 1803 three attempts were made to hang a Mr. Joseph Samuels. On the first two of these the rope snap

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. My advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions.

Hark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender. You stand convicted of sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want.

The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.

God instructs the heart, not by ideas, but by pains and contradictions.

Grub first, then ethics.

The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.

There's nothing in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead armadillos.

"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away".

Alea iacta est. [The die is cast]

Do you realize the responsibility I carry? I'm the only person standing between Nixon and the White House.

If ever the pleasure of one has to be bought by the pain of the other, there better be no trade. A trade by which one gains and the other loses is a fraud.

The Almighty in His infinite wisdom did not see fit to create Frenchmen in the image of Englishmen.

Practice is the best of all instructors.

Every person, all the events in your life are there because you have drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you.

Five bicycles make a volkswagen, seven make a truck.

I would like to electrocute everyone who uses the word 'fair' in connection with income tax policies.

Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher. The butcher is weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and weeks. He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists, but he sings about his gin

With reasonable men I will reason; with humane men I will plead; but to tyrants I will give no quarter.

We should keep the Panama Canal. After all, we stole it fair and square.

In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.

Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is liked getting kicked out of the Book-of-the-Month Club.

Women are nothing but machines for producing children.

Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength. War is peace.

Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.

Texas is Hell on woman and horses.

If a thing's worth having, it's worth cheating for.

Not all who own a harp are harpers.

All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of the United States.

... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If somebody gets handed a name like "H.

If you don't strike oil in twenty minutes, stop boring.

The Worst Musical Trio There are few bad musicians who have a chance to give a recital at a famous concert hall while still learning the rudiments of their instrument. This happened about thirty years ago to the son of a Rumanian gentleman who was

It is enough to make one sympathize with a tyrant for the determination of his courtiers to deceive him for their own personal ends...

Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant.

October 12, the Discovery. It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.

A place for everything and everything in its place.

The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish to be addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified. But it is equally important to accept and tolerate different standards of courtesy, not expecting everyone else to ad

There is always something new out of Africa.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

Sorry 'bout that sweat, honey. That's just holy water.

Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations Sign on a cabin door of a Soviet Black Sea cruise liner: Helpsavering apparata in emergings behold many whistles! Associate the stringing apparata about the bosums and meet behind, flee then t

Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder aloud what the country could do under first-class management.

A classic is something that everyone wants to have read and nobody wants to read.

No matter whether th' constitution follows th' flag or not, th' supreme court follows th' iliction returns.

Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. By Order of the Author

There is always one thing to remember: writers are always selling somebody out.

The time was the 19th of May, 1780. The place was Hartford, Connecticut. The day has gone down in New England history as a terrible foretaste of Judgement Day. For at noon the skies turned from blue to grey and by mid-afternoon had blackened over s

The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of statistics. These are raised to the nth degree, the cube roots are extracted, and the results are arranged into elaborate and impressive displays. What must be kept ever in mind, how

Richard Nixon was the most dishonest individual I have ever met in my life. He lied to his wife, his family, his friends, his colleagues in the Congress, lifetime members of his own political party, the American people, and the world.

If the ends don't justify the means, then what does?

Crime does not pay ... as well as politics.

You see, I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. A fool takes in all the lumber of every sort he comes across, so that the knowledge which might be useful to

There are many of us in this old world of ours who hold that things break about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get about the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summer and the poor get it in the winter.

She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot.

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

An actor's a guy who if you ain't talkin' about him, ain't listening.

A dead man cannot bite.