"Are you police officers?" "No, ma'am. We're musicians."

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

Seeing that death, a necessary end, Will come when it will come.

Don't go to bed with no price on your head.

(1) Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood. (2) If your stomach antagonizes you, pacify it with cool thoughts. (3) Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move. (4) Go very lightly on the vices, such as carrying on in society, as

Acting is not very hard. The most important things are to be able to laugh and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. And if I have to laugh, well, I think of my sex life.

"No job too big; no fee too big!"

You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove.

"I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment."

So little time, so little to do.

Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves.

Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.

We are what we pretend to be.

"Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none."

The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of management is that success equals skill.

You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred.

And tomorrow will be like today, only more so.

All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you can deduct the cost of your house, beca

Just close your eyes, tap your heels together three times, and think to yourself, `There's no place like home.'

If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.

God helps them that help themselves.

How should they answer?

Littering is dumb.

I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual becoming, with a goal in front and not behin

British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive it. If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps.

How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another in the waking state?

I am America's child, a spastic slogging on demented limbs drooling I'll trade my PhD for a telephone voice.

Hard reality has a way of cramping your style.

Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all.

You can observe a lot just by watching.

There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need the money; the second that you have something to say that you think the world should know; the third is that you can't think what to do with the long winter evenings.

It is so stupid of modern civilisation to have given up believing in the devil when he is the only explanation of it.

It's easier to take it apart than to put it back together.

Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks.

Nitwit ideas are for emergencies. You use them when you've got nothing else to try. If they work, they go in the Book. Otherwise you follow the Book, which is largely a collection of nitwit ideas that worked.

Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away someone else's cash.

If you catch a man, throw him back.

Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

There are many of us in this old world of ours who hold that things break about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get about the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summer and the poor get it in the winter.

God is Dead.

[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity: (1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.

The possession of a book becomes a substitute for reading it.

Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy.

It is only the man whose intellect is clouded by his sexual impulse that could give the name of the fair sex to that undersized, narrow-shouldered, broad-hipped, and short-legged race.

I'll turn over a new leaf.

One learns to itch where one can scratch.

As failures go, attempting to recall the past is like trying to grasp the meaning of existence. Both make one feel like a baby clutching at a basketball: one's palms keep sliding off.

Mandrell: "You know what I think?" Doctor: "Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you don't think, right?"

I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.

Plots are like girdles. Hidden, they hold your interest; revealed, they're of no interest except to fetishists. Like girdles, they attempt to contain an uncontainable experience.

The proof of the pudding is in the eating.

It's not a sin not to be Irish, but it is a great shame.

Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth *___and* fresher

'Naomi, sex at noon taxes.' I moan. Never odd or even. A man, a plan, a canal, Panama. Madam, I'm Adam. Sit on a potato pan, Otis. Sit on Otis.

Don't get mad, get even.

You may my glories and my state dispose, But not my griefs; still am I king of those.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

One good turn asketh another.

People in general do not willingly read if they have anything else to amuse them.

Housework can kill you if done right.

It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two years.

[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity: (1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a

Like ya know? Rock 'N Roll is an esoteric language that unlocks the creativity chambers in people's brains, and like totally activates their essential hipness, which of course is like totally necessary for saving the earth, like because the first th

Mental power tended to corrupt, and absolute intelligence tended to corrupt absolutely, until the victim eschewed violence entirely in favor of smart solutions to stupid problems.

Even the clearest and most perfect circumstantial evidence is likely to be at fault, after all, and therefore ought to be received with great caution. Take the case of any pencil, sharpened by any woman; if you have witnesses, you will find she did

Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune.

Having nothing, nothing can he lose.

Luck, that's when preparation and opportunity meet.

The Worst Jury A murder trial at Manitoba in February 1978 was well advanced, when one juror revealed that he was completely deaf and did not have the remotest clue what was happening. The judge, Mr. Justice Solomon, asked him if he had heard any

A woman who is guided by the head and not by the heart is a social pestilence: she has all the defects of the passionate and affectionate woman, with none of her compensations; she is without pity, without love, without virtue, without sex.

Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind the railroad yards."

If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism.

He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace.

It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.

A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time of trouble.

This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.

I heard a definition of an intellectual, that I thought was very interesting: a man who takes more words than are necessary to tell more than he knows.

The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used.

"Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever

I have a very strange feeling about this...

Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.

If we see the light at the end of the tunnel, it's the light of an oncoming train.

To know Edina is to reject it.

I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some kind of loophole.

To restore a sense of reality, I think Walt Disney should have a Hardluckland.

After the game the king and the pawn go in the same box.

All art is but imitation of nature.

Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women it is merely a good excuse not to play football.

A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call what he writes fiction.

New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.

Goals... Plans... they're fantasies, they're part of a dream world...

Great acts are made up of small deeds.

There is a good deal of solemn cant about the common interests of capital and labour. As matters stand, their only common interest is that of cutting each other's throat.

The first requisite for immortality is death.

Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade, since it consists principally of dealings with men.

... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *___did* quote anybody in this business, it probably would be gibberish.

Where do I find the time for not reading so many books?

I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men

Illusion is the first of all pleasures.

Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you.

The Angels want to wear my red shoes.

Chapter 1 The story so far: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to everybody and still nobody likes him.

The big cities of America are becoming Third World countries.

The rights and interests of the laboring man will be protected and cared for not by our labor agitators, but by the Christian men to whom God in his infinite wisdom has given control of property interests of the country, and upon the successful manag

Never buy from a rich salesman.

I'd just as soon kiss a Wookie.

Never tell people how to do things. Tell them WHAT to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.

The true way goes over a rope which is not stretched at any great height but just above the ground. It seems more designed to make people stumble than to be walked upon.

I used to be disgusted, now I find I'm just amused.

Never buy what you do not want because it is cheap; it will be dear to you.

Men's skin is different from women's skin. It is usually bigger, and it has more snakes tattooed on it. Also, if you examine a woman's skin very closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently tracing the slender curve of her cal

One big pile is better than two little piles.

Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations Sign on a cabin door of a Soviet Black Sea cruise liner: Helpsavering apparata in emergings behold many whistles! Associate the stringing apparata about the bosums and meet behind, flee then t

Everyone is in the best seat.

Who goeth a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing.

My father, a good man, told me, "Never lose your ignorance; you cannot replace it."

There must be more to life than having everything.

We're all in this alone.

The Worst Musical Trio There are few bad musicians who have a chance to give a recital at a famous concert hall while still learning the rudiments of their instrument. This happened about thirty years ago to the son of a Rumanian gentleman who was

It is a wise father that knows his own child.

Those who do things in a noble spirit of self-sacrifice are to be avoided at all costs.

Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l.

Delay not, Caesar. Read it instantly.

Innovation is hard to schedule.

Ninety percent of everything is crap.

What passes for optimism is most often the effect of an intellectual error.

Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and long were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his pain and his aloneness without regret?

Satire is what closes Saturday night.

If you hype something and it succeeds, you're a genius

Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills.

You have all eternity to be cautious in when you're dead.

For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.