When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.

You climb to reach the summit, but once there, discover that all roads lead down.

No small art is it to sleep: it is necessary for that purpose to keep awake all day.

Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall.

Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop writing.

"If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far."

It is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final.

I knew her before she was a virgin.

The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions.

Objectivity is to a newspaper what virtue is to a woman.

Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

Never take a resume seriously. Resumes only make money for the people who write the resumes. No resume ever tells an employer how many times a job applicant has had the clap. Why, indeed, would anyone hire a person based on a resume written by a

Nothing recedes like success.

If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know.

It is so stupid of modern civilisation to have given up believing in the devil when he is the only explanation of it.

The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly important thing to people.

When the speaker and he to whom he is speaks do not understand, that is metaphysics.

"MOKE DAT YIGARETTE"

Whatever doesn't succeed in two months and a half in California will never succeed.

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.

Plus ,ca change, plus c'est la m^eme chose. [The more things change, the more they remain the same.]

I'll turn over a new leaf.

If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.

The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average Russian's readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement of some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet reflection followed by sudden preventi

... but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women were convicted of witch

Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere. Climb the mountain just a little to test it's a mountain. From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain.

"I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment."

Too much of everything is just enough.

She was good at playing abstract confusion in the same way a midget is good at being short.

It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim of infanticide.

All art is but imitation of nature.

Mundus vult decipi decipiatur ergo.

Better late than never.

Walking on water wasn't built in a day.

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.

Satire is what closes Saturday night.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

The price of success in philosophy is triviality.

Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.

It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look, which morally we can do. T

Human resources are human first, and resources second.

Out of sight is out of mind.

If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, it might well prolong his life.

When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff.

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.

Briefly stated, the findings are that when presented with an array of data or a sequence of events in which they are instructed to discover an underlying order, subjects show strong tendencies to perceive order and causality in random arrays, to perc

Perhaps no person can be a poet, or even enjoy poetry without a certain unsoundness of mind.

You get what you pay for.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off the ground.

The most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage in the country is the one on which you resell it.

In charity there is no excess.

A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.

A beginning is the time for taking the most delicate care that balances are correct.

My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed.

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.

Let sleeping dogs lie.

If I had done everything I'm credited with, I'd be speaking to you from a laboratory jar at Harvard.

And ever has it been known that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.

Who dat who say "who dat" when I say "who dat"?

The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque Enclosed."

If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.

The Worst Jury A murder trial at Manitoba in February 1978 was well advanced, when one juror revealed that he was completely deaf and did not have the remotest clue what was happening. The judge, Mr. Justice Solomon, asked him if he had heard any

Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry.

Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves.

God help those who do not help themselves.

A good scapegoat is hard to find. A guilty conscience is the mother of invention.

Women of genius commonly have masculine faces, figures and manners. In transplanting brains to an alien soil God leaves a little of the original earth clinging to the roots.

In breeding cattle you need one bull for every twenty-five cows, unless the cows are known sluts.

If you are shooting under 80 you are neglecting your business; over 80 you are neglecting your golf.

Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little more time for dreaming.

If I had any humility I would be perfect.

You can bring men from other parts of the world who are sane. And you know what happens? At the very moment they cross those mountains... they go mad. Instantaneously and automatically, at the very moment they cross the mountains into California,

Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion.

Chance is perhaps the work of God when He did not want to sign.

"Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong."

Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief.

The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.

Nothing succeeds like excess.

We should realize that a city is better off with bad laws, so long as they remain fixed, then with good laws that are constantly being altered, that the lack of learning combined with sound common sense is more helpful than the kind of cleverness th

It is not enough that I should succeed. Others must fail.

The proof of the pudding is in the eating.

In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence ... in time every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is incompetent to carry out its duties ... Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their

If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.

If any man wishes to be humbled and mortified, let him become president of Harvard.

A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the damned things is ample.

God instructs the heart, not by ideas, but by pains and contradictions.

Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest r

The 'A' is for content, the 'minus' is for not typing it. Don't ever do this to my eyes again.

I have ways of making money that you know nothing of.

Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a number. Youre two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and another number.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson Bay, left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. Using a bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and great effort pushing boulders into a single

Pauca sed matura. [Few but excellent.]

If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.

I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs.

XLI: The more one produces, the less one gets. XLII: Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite testing. XLIII: Hardware works best when it matters the least. XLIV: Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a we

The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped marker.

She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.

The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his memos.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.

A yawn is a silent shout.

One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to represent a creative meeting, and the ratio c

There is a good deal of solemn cant about the common interests of capital and labour. As matters stand, their only common interest is that of cutting each other's throat.

Do not use that foreign word "ideals". We have that excellent native word "lies".

We are governed not by armies and police but by ideas.

Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich and powerful know that he is.

Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all.

The only "ism" Hollywood believes in is plagiarism.

I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't seem to work.

If what they've been doing hasn't solved the problem, tell them to do something else.

If you live long enough, you'll see that every victory turns into a defeat.

The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose.

All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for fun. Money's just the way we keep score.

Business will be either better or worse.

"You would do well not to imagine profundity," he said. "Anything that seems of momentous occasion should be dwelt upon as though it were of slight note. Conversely, trivialities must be attended to with the greatest of care. Because death is moment

May you live in uninteresting times.

The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars."

A violent man will die a violent death.

All hope abandon, ye who enter here!

The `loner' may be respected, but he is always resented by his colleagues, for he seems to be passing a critical judgment on them, when he may be simply making a limiting statement about himself.

"Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school.

We're constantly being bombarded by insulting and humiliating music, which people are making for you the way they make those Wonder Bread products. Just as food can be bad for your system, music can be bad for your spirtual and emotional feelings. I

You're all clear now, kid. Now blow this thing so we can all go home.

A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation. It takes an abundance of imagination, to be sure.

Go away, I'm all right.

XI: If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would get twice as much done. If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty times as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all the managers would fly off. XII: I

What an author likes to write most is his signature on the back of a cheque.

He who has the courage to laugh is almost as much a master of the world as he who is ready to die.

Like ya know? Rock 'N Roll is an esoteric language that unlocks the creativity chambers in people's brains, and like totally activates their essential hipness, which of course is like totally necessary for saving the earth, like because the first th

Charity begins at home.

To have died once is enough.