Fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches.

"Life is too important to take seriously."

An aphorism is never exactly true; it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths.

After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon to be created." "This is true," He replied.

You have all eternity to be cautious in when you're dead.

According to my best recollection, I don't remember.

The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of management is that success equals skill.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

The man who has never been flogged has never been taught.

Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth gr

To have died once is enough.

Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to exactly the point of most pressure.

Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high, they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.

We rarely find anyone who can say he has lived a happy life, and who, content with his life, can retire from the world like a satisfied guest.

Anything is possible on paper.

HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., motion that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate amendment making changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. The Senate amendment was an amendment to the

The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because it isn't here.

The whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively.

"We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!"

Getting into trouble is easy.

Honesty's the best policy.

I hate quotations.

It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion.

Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away?

Would that my hand were as swift as my tongue.

"The jig's up, Elman." "Which jig?"

A witty saying proves nothing.

Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground

Men will fuck mud.

Sweet April showers do spring May flowers.

Solipsists of the World... you are already united.

To teach is to learn twice.

Think lucky. If you fall in a pond, check your pockets for fish.

In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!"

"No job too big; no fee too big!"

Somehow I reached excess without ever noticing when I was passing through satisfaction.

There has been a little distress selling on the stock exchange.

A game can by God repent or we'll punish it. That's how they did it in Salem in the seventeenth century, and that's how we'll do it now.

If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.

"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away".

No is no negative in a woman's mouth.

Never appeal to a man's "better nature." He may not have one. Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.

I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some kind of loophole.

Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their handbags are full.

If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The "professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on t

Don't go to bed with no price on your head.

"Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work"

From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back. That is the point that must be reached.

There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary as 'unearned income.'

You can observe a lot just by watching.

Believe everything you hear about the world; nothing is too impossibly bad.

Never look a gift horse in the mouth.

After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon to be created." "This is true," He replied.

I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.

Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.

The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go to erase it.

XI: If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would get twice as much done. If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty times as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all the managers would fly off. XII: I

Mental power tended to corrupt, and absolute intelligence tended to corrupt absolutely, until the victim eschewed violence entirely in favor of smart solutions to stupid problems.

I will make you shorter by the head.

Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt. [Confound those who have said our remarks before us.] or [May they perish who have expressed our bright ideas before us.]

XXVI: If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed on each other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to chance. XXVII: Rank does not intimidate hardware. Neither does the lack of rank. XXVIII: It is better to be the r

The chief cause of problems is solutions.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

The more the merrier.

There's nothing worse for your business than extra Santa Clauses smoking in the men's room.

Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch" may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used whe

Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, but remember, it didn't help the rabbit.

In childhood a woman must be subject to her father; in youth to her husband; when her husband is dead, to her sons. A woman must never be free of subjugation.

Three minutes' thought would suffice to find this out; but thought is irksome and three minutes is a long time.

A violent man will die a violent death.

Here's to women. Would that we could fall into her arms without falling into her hands.

God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.

Confucius say too much.

If any man wishes to be humbled and mortified, let him become president of Harvard.

Never take a resume seriously. Resumes only make money for the people who write the resumes. No resume ever tells an employer how many times a job applicant has had the clap. Why, indeed, would anyone hire a person based on a resume written by a

Work Hard. Rock Hard. Eat Hard. Sleep Hard. Grow Big. Wear Glasses If You Need 'Em.

Well begun is half done.

A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation. It takes an abundance of imagination, to be sure.

Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.

As failures go, attempting to recall the past is like trying to grasp the meaning of existence. Both make one feel like a baby clutching at a basketball: one's palms keep sliding off.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

We were so poor we couldn't afford a watchdog. If we heard a noise at night, we'd bark ourselves.

Practice is the best of all instructors.

Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it.

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.

Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.

What we wish, that we readily believe.

The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.

Two heads are better than one.

The `loner' may be respected, but he is always resented by his colleagues, for he seems to be passing a critical judgment on them, when he may be simply making a limiting statement about himself.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

Then, gently touching my face, she hesitated for a moment as her incredible eyes poured forth into mine love, joy, pain, tragedy, acceptance, and peace. "'Bye for now," she said warmly.

There's no justice in this world.

per year.

Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather a new wearer of clothes.

God helps them that help themselves.

You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove.

A priest asked: What is Fate, Master? And the Master answered: It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence. It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs. It is that which has caused nations to build bywa

No small art is it to sleep: it is necessary for that purpose to keep awake all day.

Superstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy have ample wages, but truth goes a-begging.

There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life is the process of discovering them over and over and over.

The greatest productive force is human selfishness.

I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two highly trained certified public accountants.

Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it's out of date.)

The state of innocence contains the germs of all future sin.

If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of government, therefore,

Honesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty.

From the cradle to the coffin underwear comes first.

It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire.

Men's skin is different from women's skin. It is usually bigger, and it has more snakes tattooed on it. Also, if you examine a woman's skin very closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently tracing the slender curve of her cal

In charity there is no excess.

I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem.

Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.

It has been said [by Anatole France], "it is not by amusing oneself that one learns," and, in reply: "it is *____only* by amusing oneself that one can learn."

Truth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominy of him that brought her birth.

For if there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life.

If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.

The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning, and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished.

In breeding cattle you need one bull for every twenty-five cows, unless the cows are known sluts.

Life is too short to be taken seriously.

The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.

No one born with a mouth and a need is "innocent".

She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.

Better late than never.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.

Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion.

All men know the utility of useful things; but they do not know the utility of futility.

Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental Anguish. You would sue: * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions

The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobb

A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!" "However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."

You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company.