The Bible says that woman was the last thing God made. Evidently He made her on Saturday night. She reveals his fatigue.

In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!"

I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of the sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for you are loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway.

A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation.

My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my family, it seems, begins where yours left off.

If you know the answer to a question, don't ask.

In breeding cattle you need one bull for every twenty-five cows, unless the cows are known sluts.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.

The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch someone else doing it wrong, without commenting.

An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest.

[He] took me into his library and showed me his books, of which he had a complete set.

May you live in uninteresting times.

"MOKE DAT YIGARETTE"

There is a secret person undamaged within every individual.

An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition.

At ebb tide I wrote a line upon the sand, and gave it all my heart and all my soul. At flood tide I returned to read what I had inscribed and found my ignorance upon the shore.

I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.

Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and resisting the current what each had

Princeton's taste is sweet like a strawberry tart. Harvard's is a subtle taste, like whiskey, coffee, or tobacco. It may even be a bad habit, for all I know.

Competitive fury is not always anger. It is the true missionary's courage and zeal in facing the possibility that one's best may not be enough.

The price of success in philosophy is triviality.

A priest asked: What is Fate, Master? And the Master answered: It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence. It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs. It is that which has caused nations to build bywa

were found to be wearing neckwear that was tighter than their neck circumference. The visual discrimination of the 22 subjects was evaluated using a critical flicker frequency (CFF) test. Results of the CFF test indicated that tight neckwear signifi

The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money completely surrounded by people who want some.

The first requisite for immortality is death.

Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.

Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental Anguish. You would sue: * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions

A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time of trouble.

Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground

So you think that money is the root of all evil. Have you ever asked what is the root of money?

I love treason but hate a traitor.

Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

There is more to life than increasing its speed.

We have nowhere else to go... this is all we have.

There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish.

An aphorism is never exactly true; it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths.

"I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path."

The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped marker.

Let's remind ourselves that last year's fresh idea is today's cliche.

Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit. [There is no great genius without some touch of madness.]

It is ridiculous to call this an industry. This is not. This is rat eat rat, dog eat dog. I'll kill 'em, and I'm going to kill 'em before they kill me. You're talking about the American way of survival of the fittest.

Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than being flat broke and having a stomach ache.

Honesty's the best policy.

For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.

No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings.

Practice yourself what you preach.

Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson Bay, left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. Using a bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and great effort pushing boulders into a single

It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our offense consists in doubting it.

There is no fool to the old fool.

Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake?

It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.

There are many of us in this old world of ours who hold that things break about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get about the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summer and the poor get it in the winter.

... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *___did* quote anybody in this business, it probably would be gibberish.

The only certainty is that nothing is certain.

All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for fun. Money's just the way we keep score.

About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.

Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to?

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.

Call on God, but row away from the rocks.

If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.

Facts are the enemy of truth.

No small art is it to sleep: it is necessary for that purpose to keep awake all day.

This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.

How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another in the waking state?

"You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten."

Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and long were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his pain and his aloneness without regret?

A good reputation is more valuable than money.

Never look a gift horse in the mouth.

Since everything in life is but an experience perfect in being what it is, having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well burst out in laughter.

All men know the utility of useful things; but they do not know the utility of futility.

From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back. That is the point that must be reached.

Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much better.

You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.

Better late than never.

"What was the worst thing you've ever done?" "I won't tell you that, but I'll tell you the worst thing that ever happened to me... the most dreadful thing."

The life which is unexamined is not worth living.

A woman who is guided by the head and not by the heart is a social pestilence: she has all the defects of the passionate and affectionate woman, with none of her compensations; she is without pity, without love, without virtue, without sex.

When the ax entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us!"

"Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *___can* you believe?!"

You have all eternity to be cautious in when you're dead.

Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.

You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements.

Love the sea? I dote upon it

To do two things at once is to do neither.

Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think about sex at all... they become lawyers.

Reality is just a convenient measure of complexity.

"There is no Father Christmas. It's just a marketing ploy to make low income parents' lives a misery." "... I want you to picture the trusting face of a child, streaked with tears because of what you just said." "I want you to picture the face of

A sinking ship gathers no moss.

Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort of like a shell leaving the nut behind.

When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Some people say a front-engine car handles best. Some people say a rear-engine car handles best. I say a rented car handles best.

Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around us in awareness.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

A witty saying proves nothing.

There are no answers, only cross-references.

The optimum committee has no members.

Education and religion are two things not regulated by supply and demand. The less of either the people have, the less they want.

What we wish, that we readily believe.

If ever the pleasure of one has to be bought by the pain of the other, there better be no trade. A trade by which one gains and the other loses is a fraud.

It is bad luck to be superstitious.

Praise the sea; on shore remain.

When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when your boss is away and you get twice as much done.

Use an accordion. Go to jail.

"No job too big; no fee too big!"

Your wig steers the gig.

Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind the railroad yards."

Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which millionaires tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth.

The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because it isn't here.

This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly, because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has "deregulated" the airline industry. What t

Faith is under the left nipple.

L'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare.

Those who educate children well are more to be honored than parents, for these only gave life, those the art of living well.

Luck, that's when preparation and opportunity meet.

Believe everything you hear about the world; nothing is too impossibly bad.

In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment was expressed by Thomas K. Co

Those who do things in a noble spirit of self-sacrifice are to be avoided at all costs.

Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.

Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them.

With her body, woman is more sincere than man; but with her mind she lies. And when she lies, she does not believe herself.

Look, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters, con-men. That's the way businesses get started. That's the way this country was built.

Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground

Work Hard. Rock Hard. Eat Hard. Sleep Hard. Grow Big. Wear Glasses If You Need 'Em.

(1) Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood. (2) If your stomach antagonizes you, pacify it with cool thoughts. (3) Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move. (4) Go very lightly on the vices, such as carrying on in society, as

Men are superior to women.

"If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination."

The possession of a book becomes a substitute for reading it.

If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.

If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we would all be millionaires.

If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, it might well prolong his life.

It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the r

Lo! Men have become the tool of their tools.

Housework can kill you if done right.

Time goes, you say? Ah no! Time stays, *we* go.