None love the bearer of bad news.

If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish.

What soon grows old? Gratitude.

There's nothing worse for your business than extra Santa Clauses smoking in the men's room.

The longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate.

The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of management is that success equals skill.

Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation. In an instant, armed troops surroun

The only alliance I would make with the Women's Liberation Movement is in bed.

Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.

Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to examine the laws of heat.

Woman is generally so bad that the difference between a good and a bad woman scarcely exists.

Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief.

If you hype something and it succeeds, you're a genius

What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space-launch-style "hold" for two to three hours, durin

Never look a gift horse in the mouth.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

It is up to us to produce better-quality movies.

Never have so many understood so little about so much.

Go ahead... make my day.

Confucius say too much.

Reality is just a convenient measure of complexity.

Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.

I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours. Great song.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.

If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we would all be millionaires.

Mankind is poised midway between the gods and the beasts.

There is no sin but ignorance.

There is a secret person undamaged within every individual.

A critic is a bundle of biases held loosely together by a sense of taste.

The first rule of all intelligent tinkering is to keep all the parts.

There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary as 'unearned income.'

The proof of the pudding is in the eating.

Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped.

What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.

If you catch a man, throw him back.

Nothing will ever be attempted if all possible objections must be first overcome.

"Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich."

Turn the other cheek.

Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away someone else's cash.

"Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it."

The true way goes over a rope which is not stretched at any great height but just above the ground. It seems more designed to make people stumble than to be walked upon.

The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine we own.

The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.

Time as he grows old teaches all things.

He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man.

The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

Man must shape his tools lest they shape him.

A society in which women are taught anything but the management of a family, the care of men, and the creation of the future generation is a society which is on its way out.

I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem.

I accept chaos. I am not sure whether it accepts me. I know some people are terrified of the bomb. But then some people are terrified to be seen carrying a modern screen magazine. Experience teaches us that silence terrifies people the most.

When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff.

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.

Women of genius commonly have masculine faces, figures and manners. In transplanting brains to an alien soil God leaves a little of the original earth clinging to the roots.

It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something.

Sic transit gloria mundi. [So passes away the glory of this world.]

Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the villagers gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," said Nasrudin, "I only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the villagers but the stupidest ran off to spr

Education and religion are two things not regulated by supply and demand. The less of either the people have, the less they want.

If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.

Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images.

A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation. It takes an abundance of imagination, to be sure.

A man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles in the road.

Whenever anyone says, "theoretically," they really mean, "not really."

Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground

What one fool can do, another can.

According to my best recollection, I don't remember.

Some women should be beaten regularly, like gongs.

Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamp-post how it feels about dogs.

Dignity is like a flag. It flaps in a storm.

If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The "professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on t

It is only the man whose intellect is clouded by his sexual impulse that could give the name of the fair sex to that undersized, narrow-shouldered, broad-hipped, and short-legged race.

For every bloke who makes his mark, there's half a dozen waiting to rub it out.

Lay off the muses, it's a very tough dollar.

The faster we go, the rounder we get.

Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life.

The universe is made of stories, not of atoms.

What you don't know won't help you much either.

Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith.

There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life is the process of discovering them over and over and over.

It is annoying to be honest to no purpose.

I always wake up at the crack of ice.

If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.

Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it.

After the game the king and the pawn go in the same box.

Grig (the navigator): ... so you see, it's just the two of us against the entire space armada. Alex (the gunner): What?!? Grig: I've always wanted to fight a desperate battle against overwhelming odds. Alex: It'll be a slaughter! Grig: That'

Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying.

If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism.

Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.

Rome was not built in one day.

If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads.

per year.

I'll turn over a new leaf.

Save the Whales

Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.

"What are you watching?" "I don't know." "Well, what's happening?" "I'm not sure... I think the guy in the hat did something terrible." "Why are you watching it?" "You're so analytical. Sometimes you just have to let art flow over you."

"Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him."

What fools these mortals be.

Everything takes longer, costs more, and is less useful.

... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If somebody gets handed a name like "H.

The old complaint that mass culture is designed for eleven-year-olds is of course a shameful canard. The key age has traditionally been more like fourteen.

Every man who has reached even his intellectual teens begins to suspect that life is no farce; that it is not genteel comedy even; that it flowers and fructifies on the contrary out of the profoundest tragic depths of the essential death in which its

IV. The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. Such an object is inevitably price

An actor's a guy who if you ain't talkin' about him, ain't listening.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives.

If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.

Television is now so desperately hungry for material that it is scraping the top of the barrel.

It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look, which morally we can do. T

It is not enough that I should succeed. Others must fail.

Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.

When the ax entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us!"

For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.

If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.

Truth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominy of him that brought her birth.

You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

God help those who do not help themselves.

Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting.

Events are not affected, they develop.

There is no comfort without pain; thus we define salvation through suffering.

Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.

"You would do well not to imagine profundity," he said. "Anything that seems of momentous occasion should be dwelt upon as though it were of slight note. Conversely, trivialities must be attended to with the greatest of care. Because death is moment

That's no moon...

One good turn deserves another.

This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it.

He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know.

A dead man cannot bite.

American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference between the men's room and the women's room with

Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high, they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.

Divorce is a game played by lawyers.

He who writes with no misspelled words has prevented a first suspicion on the limits of his scholarship or, in the social world, of his general education and culture.

... before I could come to any conclusion it occurred to me that my speech or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility. What did it matter what anyone knew or ignored? What did it matter who was manager? One gets sometimes s

Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather a new wearer of clothes.

Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and resisting the current what each had

If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.