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Whatever is not nailed down is mine. Whatever I can pry up is not nailed down.

H.G. Wells

The road to Hades is easy to travel.

Ha Nate

Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest men in national government too.

Hagen Walter

Anybody has a right to evade taxes if he can get away with it. No citizen has a moral obligation to assist in maintaining his government.

Hague Frank

The Anglo-Saxon conscience does not prevent the Anglo-Saxon from sinning, it merely prevents him from enjoying his sin.

Hahn Tim

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

Haig Alexander

You're never too old to become younger.

Haldeman H.R.

In spite of everything, I still believe that people are good at heart.

Half-Constru Racter

"It's a summons." "What's a summons?" "It means summon's in trouble."

Hallock Addison H.

You don't have to be nice to people on the way up if you're not planning on coming back down.

Halsey Admiral William

Indomitable in retreat; invincible in advance; insufferable in victory.

Hamilton Alexander

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

Hamilton Alexander

Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.

Hamilton Edith

Never face facts; if you do you'll never get up in the morning.

Hamlet Dick

A beginning is the time for taking the most delicate care that balances are correct.

Hammarskjold Dag

Piece of cake!

Hampton Christopher

She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot.

Handley Jack

Corruption is not the #1 priority of the Police Commissioner. His job is to enforce the law and fight crime.


You can't learn too soon that the most useful thing about a principle is that it can always be sacrificed to expediency.

Hardin Salvor

Virtue would go far if vanity did not keep it company.

Harding Warren G.

It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim of infanticide.

Harper Lucille S.

If you took all of the grains of sand in the world, and lined them up end to end in a row, you'd be working for the government!

Harper Roy

There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who constantly divide the people of the world into two classes and those who do not.

Harris Sidney

If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it.

Harris Sydney

Tart words make no friends; a spoonful of honey will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar.

Harris Sydney J.

She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.

Harris Sydney J.

It is right that he too should have his little chronicle, his memories, his reason, and be able to recognize the good in the bad, the bad in the worst, and so grow gently old all down the unchanging days and die one day like any other day, only short

Harris Sydney J.

The Russians have put a small ball up in the air. That does not raise my apprehensions one iota.

Harris Sydney J.

I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out the lessons that they teach. Oh, tell me that I may s


Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.

Harrold Mark

With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time they make a law it's a joke.

Harry Dirty

If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to boot yourself in the posterior.

Harry Dirty

"Any news from the President on a successor?" he asked hopefully. "None," Anita replied. "She's having great difficulty finding someone qualified who is willing to accept the post." "Then I stay," said Dr. Fresh. "I'm not good for much, but I c

Hart Johnny

Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?


Last guys don't finish nice.

Haskins Ernest

Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.

Hawes J.

'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability.


A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call what he writes fiction.

Hawley Cameron

There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life is the process of discovering them over and over and over.

Hayakawa S.I.

Plastic... Aluminum... These are the inheritors of the Universe! Flesh and Blood have had their day... and that day is past!

Hazlitt William

Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.

Heidi Hartmann

Seeing that death, a necessary end, Will come when it will come.


You have all the characteristics of a popular politician: a horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner.

Heinlein R.A.

It is only by risking our persons from one hour to another that we live at all. And often enough our faith beforehand in an uncertified result is the only thing that makes the result come true.

Heinlein Robert

A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation. It takes an abundance of imagination, to be sure.

Heinlein Robert

There is only one word for aid that is genuinely without strings, and that word is blackmail.

Heller Joseph

A word to the wise is enough.

Heller Robert

I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two highly trained certified public accountants.

Heller Joseph

The optimum committee has no members.

Heller Joseph

"You little (such a one who, while wearing a copper nose ring, stands in a footbath atop Mount Raruaruaha during a heavy thunderstorm and shouts that Alohura, Goddess of Lightning, has the facial features of a diseased uloruaha root)!"

Heller Joseph

Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.

Heller Joseph

It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is better still to be a live lion. And usually easier.

Hellman Lillian

I owe the public nothing.

Hemingway Ernest

Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule."

Hemingway Ernest

You have not converted a man because you have silenced him.

Hemingway Peter Applebome

"That boy's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver"

Hendrix Robert James Marshall

Audacity, and again, audacity, and always audacity.

Henrik Ibsen

Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again.

Henry Durant

I'm never through with a girl until I've had her three ways.

Henry James

We may not be able to persuade Hindus that Jesus and not Vishnu should govern their spiritual horizon, nor Moslems that Lord Buddha is at the center of their spiritual universe, nor Hebrews that Mohammed is a major prohpet, nor Christians that Shinto

Henry Robert

There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the existence of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any marginally competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat engine and make some other part of hell

Hepbur Dorothy Parker

There are no great men, buster. There are only men.


You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.

Herbert A.P.

When in doubt, use brute force.

Herbert Frank

If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.

Herbert Frank

The Angels want to wear my red shoes.

Herbert Hoover

I'd just as soon kiss a Wookie.


Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood.


The price of success in philosophy is triviality.


There is no comfort without pain; thus we define salvation through suffering.


I think we're in trouble.


The fact that people are poor or discriminated against doesn't necessarily endow them with any special qualities of justice, nobility, charity or compassion.

Heroi Stephen Pile

There but for the grace of God, goes God.

Heroi Stephen Pile

The world is your exercise-book, the pages on which you do your sums. It is not reality, although you can express reality there if you wish. You are also free to write nonsense, or lies, or to tear the pages.

Heroi Stephen Pile

There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary as 'unearned income.'

Heroi Stephen Pile

If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.

Heroi Stephen Pile

Whatever occurs from love is always beyond good and evil.

Heroi Stephen Pile

That government is best which governs least.

Heroi Stephen Pile

Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances.

Herold Don

Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at reasonable prices? Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's build a home center. And before long ho

Heywood John

Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other forms that have been tried from time to time.

Heywood John

Harp not on that string.

Heywood John

It is much easier to be critical than to be correct.

Heywood John

No man would listen to you talk if he didn't know it was his turn next.

Heywood John

If you would know the value of money, go try to borrow some.

Heywood John

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Heywood John

Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years organising and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office.

Heywood John

Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're alive.

Heywood John

I think the world is run by C students.

Heywood John

It looks like it's up to me to save our skins. Get into that garbage chute, flyboy!

Heywood John

Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away?

Heywood John

Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses, is in the eye of the beholder.

Heywood John

From the cradle to the coffin underwear comes first.

Heywood John

It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion.

Heywood John

Innocence ends when one is stripped of the delusion that one likes oneself.

Heywood John

The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence that it is not utterly absurd; indeed, in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind, a widespread belief is more often likely to be foolish than sensible.

Hicks D.J.

Trifles make perfection, and perfection is no trifle.

Hickson W.E.

Majorities, of course, start with minorities.

Hightower Jim

Even the clearest and most perfect circumstantial evidence is likely to be at fault, after all, and therefore ought to be received with great caution. Take the case of any pencil, sharpened by any woman; if you have witnesses, you will find she did

Hildebrand Joel

The lunatic, the lover, and the poet, Are of imagination all compact...

Hinckley John

This sad little lizard told me that he was a brontosaurus on his mother's side. I did not laugh; people who boast of ancestry often have little else to sustain them. Humoring them costs nothing and adds happiness in a world in which happiness is al

Hindu Code

The road to ruin is always in good repair, and the travellers pay the expense of it.

Hinojosa Daniel

Dear Ann Landers: My husband watches the TV preachers every Sunday. He claims one minister said there are 350 different sins. My husband wants to know if you can get the list. He thinks he is missing something.


Nothing succeeds like success.

Hitler Adolf

If a man loses his reverence for any part of life, he will lose his reverence for all of life.

Hitler Adolf

When you say that you agree to a thing in principle, you mean that you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice.

Hitler Adolf

If you float on instinct alone, how can you calculate the buoyancy for the computed load?

Hitler Adolf

If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish.

Hitler Adolf

Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled.

Hitler Adolf

Producers seem to be so prejudiced against actors who've had no training. And there's no reason for it. So what if I didn't attend the Royal Academy for twelve years? I'm still a professional trying to be the best actress I can. Why doesn't anyone

Hitler Adolph

I would like to electrocute everyone who uses the word 'fair' in connection with income tax policies.

Hitler Adolph

The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth.

Hitler Adolph

"Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you."

Hobbs Calvin and

Home is where the hurt is.

Hodder-Williams Christopher

The only promotion rules I can think of are that a sense of shame is to be avoided at all costs and there is never any reason for a hustler to be less cunning than more virtuous men. Oh yes ... whenever you think you've got something really great, a

Hoest Bill

You have all eternity to be cautious in when you're dead.

Hoffer Eric

"Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends."

Hoffer Eric

The only happiness lies in reason; all the rest of the world is dismal. The highest reason, however, I see in the work of the artist, and he may experience it as such. Happiness lies in the swiftness of feeling and thinking: all the rest of the worl

Hoffman A.

Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental Anguish. You would sue: * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions

Hoffman Abbie

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

Holla Xaviera

People who develop the habit of thinking of themselves as world citizens are fulfilling the first requirement of sanity in our time.

Holmes Oliver Wendell

Youth is a blunder, manhood a struggle, old age a regret.

Holmes Oliver Wendell

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back the when it begins to rain.

Holmes Sherlock

The Least Successful Executions History has furnished us with two executioners worthy of attention. The first performed in Sydney in Australia. In 1803 three attempts were made to hang a Mr. Joseph Samuels. On the first two of these the rope snap

Holmes Sherlock

VI: A hungry dog hunts best. A hungrier dog hunts even better. VII: Decreased business base increases overhead. So does increased business base. VIII: The most unsuccessful four years in the education of a cost-estimator is fifth grade ari

Holyoke Edward

In this world there are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

Holzer Jenny

"Listen to what I say, not what I mean. I mean ...."


It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which raises the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody not to.


If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down. If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down. If the bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance will exceed all expectations.

Honda. Harpoon a

San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.

Hook Sidney

There's no such thing as a free lunch.

Hoover Herbert

"All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands."

Hoover Herbert

Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.

Hoover J. Edgar

Men freely believe that what they wish to desire.

Hoover J. Edgar

There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behaviour.

Hoover J. Edgar

He is now rising from affluence to poverty.

Hoover J. Edgar

All phone calls are obscene.

Hope A.

When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.

Hope Bob

Yet creeds mean very little, Coth answered the dark god, still speaking almost gently. The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.

Hope Bob

Genius is pain.

Hoppe Art

Veni, vidi, vici. [I came, I saw, I conquered].

Hopper Grace Murray

He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom.

Hopper Grace Murray

If there is no wind, row.


Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game - it, and high taxes.


Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.


Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very opposite applies with the judges.

Horner M.

Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.

Horning Jim

No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the Continent, a part of the maine; if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea, Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne we

Houghton Blair

To say you got a vote of confidence would be to say you needed a vote of confidence.

Houseman A.E.

We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it.

Howe E.W.

In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.

Howe Edgar W.

"I have just read your lousy review buried in the back pages. You sound like a frustrated old man who never made a success, an eight-ulcer man on a four-ulcer job, and all four ulcers working. I have never met you, but if I do you'll need a new nos

Howe Irving

Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women it is merely a good excuse not to play football.

Howe Nathaniel

The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because it isn't here.

Hubbard Elbert

If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell, I'd sell the plantation and go home.

Hubbard Elbert

We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to socialism, because socialism is defunct. It dies all by itself. The bad thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say socialism?

Hubbard Elbert

I realize that the MX missile is none of our concern. I realize that the whole point of living in a democracy is that we pay professional congresspersons to concern themselves with things like the MX missile so we can be free to concern ourselves wi

Hubbard Elbert

We should be glad we're living in the time that we are. If any of us had been born into a more enlightened age, I'm sure we would have immediately been taken out and shot.

Hubbard Elbert

Put a rogue in the limelight and he will act like an honest man.

Hubbard Elbert

The law will never make men free; it is men who have got to make the law free.

Hubbard F.M.

When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when your boss is away and you get twice as much done.

Hubbard Frank

You cannot see the wood for the trees.

Hubbard Frank

The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt.

Hubbard Kim

A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it.

Hubbard Kim

If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.

Hubbard Kim

Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to exactly the point of most pressure.

Hubbard Kin

This generation doesn't have emotional baggage. We have emotional moving vans.

Hubbard Kin

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.

Hubbard L. Ron

When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship.

Hubbard L. Ron

If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.

Hudson Henry

In regards to Oral Roberts' claim that God told him that he would die unless he received $20 million by March, God's lawyers have stated that their client has not spoken with Roberts for several years. Off the record, God has stated that "If I had w

Hugo Victor

I have often looked at women and committed adultery in my heart.

Hugo Victor

"... all the modern inconveniences ..."

Hugo Victor

It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.

Hugo Victor

of the time.

Humphrey Hubert

As long as there are entrenched social and political distinctions between sexes, races or classes, there will be forms of science whose main function is to rationalize and legitimize these distinctions.

Hunter S. Thompson

The fact that it works is immaterial.

Huntingd Collis P.

In the long run we are all dead.

Hurley Jack

Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it.

Huron Port

A light wife doth make a heavy husband.

Hutchins Robert M.

In the future, there will be fewer but better Russians.

Huxley Aldous

What you don't know won't help you much either.

Huxley Aldous

We're constantly being bombarded by insulting and humiliating music, which people are making for you the way they make those Wonder Bread products. Just as food can be bad for your system, music can be bad for your spirtual and emotional feelings. I

hy it wasn't a hype. If you

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"Any news from the President on a successor?" he asked hopefully. "None," Anita replied. "She's having great difficulty finding someone qualified who is willing to accept the post." "Then I stay," said Dr. Fresh. "I'm not good for much, but I c
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