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Superstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy have ample wages, but truth goes a-begging.

Jack Handley

The time spent on any item of the agenda [of a finance committee] will be in inverse proportion to the sum involved.

Jackson Glenda

I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't seem to work.

Jackson Justice Robert H.

"To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition."

Jackson Justice Robert H.

Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind the railroad yards."

Jackson Justice Robert H.

Money doesn't talk, it swears.

Jackson Andrew

Whatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts.

Jagger Mick

A good scapegoat is hard to find. A guilty conscience is the mother of invention.

James Clive

She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.

James William

Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget.

James William

There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself.

James Agate

I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and I wasn't tempted to buy

Jane Wagner

Imagine there's no heaven... it's easy if you try.

Jarry Alfred

Fraud is the homage that force pays to reason.

Jean Giraudoux

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

Jefferson Thomas

There is nothing so easy but that it becomes difficult when you do it reluctantly.

Jefferson Thomas

Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.

Jefferson Thomas

BS: You remind me of a man. B: What man? BS: The man with the power. B: What power? BS: The power of voodoo. B: Voodoo? BS: You do. B: Do what? BS: Remind me of a man. B: What man? BS: The man with the power...

Jefferson Thomas

I used to be a rebel in my youth. This cause... that cause... (chuckle) I backed 'em ALL! But I learned. Rebellion is simply a device used by the immature to hide from his own problems. So I lost interest in politics. Now when I feel aroused by

Jefferson Thomas

With women, I've got a long bamboo pole with a leather loop on the end of it. I slip the loop around their necks so they can't get away or come too close. Like catching snakes.

Jefferson Thomas

If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to get the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. See in college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving the natural method of teaching what each

Jefferson Thomas

Men freely believe that what they wish to desire.

Jefferson Thomas

We are governed not by armies and police but by ideas.

Jefferson Thomas

'Naomi, sex at noon taxes.' I moan. Never odd or even. A man, a plan, a canal, Panama. Madam, I'm Adam. Sit on a potato pan, Otis. Sit on Otis.

Jefferson Thomas

There are people who find it odd to eat four or five Chinese meals in a row; in China, I often remind them, there are a billion or so people who find nothing odd about it.

Jerome Jerome K.

To do two things at once is to do neither.

Jerome Jerome Klapka

A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator.

Jerome Saint

Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.

Jerrold Douglas

No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the Continent, a part of the maine; if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea, Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne we

Jessel Sir George

"Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work"

Jessica Salmonson

We have no scorched earth policy. We have a policy of scorched Communists.


I reverently believe that the maker who made us all makes everything in New England, but the weather. I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in New England, fo

Jim Strange de

You roll my log, and I will roll yours.

Jim Strange de

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.

Jim Strange de

It seems to me that nearly every woman I know wants a man who knows how to love with authority. Women are simple souls who like simple things, and one of the simplest is one of the simplest to give. ... Our family airedale will come clear across t

Jim Starlin

'Scuse me, while I kiss the sky!

Jim Starlin

I hate dying.

Jim Steinman

Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation."

Jimmy Crazy

The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal.

Jitterbu Tom Robbins

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.

Joan Didion

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.

Joan Didion

To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.

Joel Chandler Harris

You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements.

Joel M. Snyder

You k'n hide de fier, but w'at you gwine do wid de smoke?


A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Joh Lyndon B.

When you die, you lose a very important part of your life.

John Ball

Hell is empty and all the devils are here.

John Barrymore

The thought of being President frightens me and I do not think I want the job.

John Denver

If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we would all be millionaires.

John Dewey

We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once.

John Donne

Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people.

John Gardner

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

John Hunt British

In any country there must be people who have to die. They are the sacrifices any nation has to make to achieve law and order.

John Kennedy

He who knows others is wise. He who knows himself is enlightened.

John Kenneth Galbraith

"... gentlemen do not read each other's mail."

John LeCarre

What soon grows old? Gratitude.

John Lightfoot

It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look, which morally we can do. T

John The Dragon to Grendel in

If we don't survive, we don't do anything else.

Johnson Dave

If you sell diamonds, you cannot expect to have many customers. But a diamond is a diamond even if there are no customers.

Johnson Dr.

Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away.

Johnson Dr.

Wagner's music is better than it sounds.

Johnson Lyndon Baines

Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big enough majority in any town?

Johnson S.

One man's Mede is another man's Persian.

Johnson Samuel

Execute every act of thy life as though it were thy last.

Johnson Samuel

This was the most unkindest cut of all.

Johnson Samuel

It's from Casablanca. I've been waiting all my life to use that line.

Johnson Samuel

A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many bad measures.

Johnson Samuel

Alea iacta est. [The die is cast]

Johnson Samuel

It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is better still to be a live lion. And usually easier.

Johnson Samuel

Veni, vidi, vici. [I came, I saw, I conquered].


From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back. That is the point that must be reached.

Johnson Lyndon

Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously; and do not take what happens either to yourself or your work seriously.

Johnston M. M.

I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of the way and let them have it.

Joke The Killing

Nonsense and beauty have close connections.

Jones Carolyn

Flame on!

Jones Franklin P.

What we wish, that we readily believe.

Jones Franklin P.

The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr.

Jones Franklin P.

Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.

Jones Franklin P.

When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary.

Jones Thomas

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

Jones] Chuck

The meek shall inherit the earth, but *not* its mineral rights.

Joost van den Vondel

I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the streets and frighten the horses.

Joplin Janis

Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some ordinance under which you can be booked.

Jorge Luis Borges

The reason we need the MX missile system is that the missiles we currently have in the ground are the Minuteman model, which is very old. The Defense Department can't even remember where half of them are. Insects have built nests in them. People hav

Joseph Gallo

Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories.

Joubert Joseph

It is a wise father that knows his own child.

Journal Albuquerque

And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have a sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks tragedy, and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets tragedy face to face, we have politics.

Journal The Wall Street

Out of sight is out of mind.

Joyce James

The Crown is full of it!

Joyce James

"If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination."

Juan Don

"The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as we could with both of them."

Judith Martin

What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence.

Judy Garland

Prizes are for children.

Juliana Queen

It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.

Julius Caesar

The means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers, always end up on their ends without any means.

Jun Esquire

[The French Riviera is] a sunny place for shady people.

Jung Carl

You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable doubt.

Jung C.G.

We should keep the Panama Canal. After all, we stole it fair and square.

Juvenalis Decimus Junius

A woman who is guided by the head and not by the heart is a social pestilence: she has all the defects of the passionate and affectionate woman, with none of her compensations; she is without pity, without love, without virtue, without sex.

Juvenalis Decimus Junius

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Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.
Bismarck Otto von

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