Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

You tread upon my patience.

The future not being born, my friend, we will abstain from baptizing it.

A priest asked: What is Fate, Master? And the Master answered: It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence. It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs. It is that which has caused nations to build bywa

None love the bearer of bad news.

HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., motion that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate amendment making changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. The Senate amendment was an amendment to the

Freedom is nothing else but the chance to do better.

The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine we own.

A rolling stone gathers no moss.

Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a number. Youre two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and another number.

Don't guess

If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest shopping center in the world?

Al Gore resembled a Vulcan desperately in need of a blow job.

The only alliance I would make with the Women's Liberation Movement is in bed.

Why, when no honest man will deny in private that every ultimate problem is wrapped in the profoundest mystery, do honest men proclaim in pulpits that unhesitating certainty is the duty of the most foolish and ignorant? Is it not a spectacle to make

No two persons ever read the same book.

Have the courage to take your own thoughts seriously, for they will shape you.

No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.

Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.

The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding.

A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.

If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry.

"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."

The price of seeking to force our beliefs on others is that someday they might force their beliefs on us.

It is not the critic who counts, or how the strong man stumbled, or whether the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives vali

Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock.

The trouble with this country is that there are too many politicians who believe, with a conviction based on experience, that you can fool all of the people all of the time.

That must be wonderful: I don't understand it at all.

Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.

I have ways of making money that you know nothing of.

Immature poets imitate, mature poets steal.

He thinks the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived.

I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education.

It's very glamorous to raise millions of dollars, until it's time for the venture capitalist to suck your eyeballs out.

"I have to convince you, or at least snow you ..."

Success is the sole earthly judge of right and wrong.

And ever has it been known that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.

Before you ask more questions, think about whether you really want to know the answers.

Therefore it is necessary to learn how not to be good, and to use this knowledge and not use it, according to the necessity of the cause.

Something's rotten in the state of Denmark.

An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition.

"I don't know whether God exists or not, but it makes no difference to me." "It's not like He's passing out free money or anything."

"Rights" is a fictional abstraction. No one has "Rights", neither machines nor flesh-and-blood. Persons... have opportunities, not rights, which they use or do not use.

The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.

"What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?"

Once, I read that a man be never stronger than when he truly realizes how weak he is.

"You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive."

Where there is much light there is also much shadow.

If we can ever make red tape nutritional, we can feed the world.

There's such a thing as too much point on a pencil.

In spite of everything, I still believe that people are good at heart.

Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits.

I BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on the same day. Then that night, they burned the wheel.

Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed down-stairs a step at a time.

Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.

The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late and owns the worm farm.

Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental Anguish. You would sue: * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions

Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a muddle of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can make of capitalism.

The only happiness lies in reason; all the rest of the world is dismal. The highest reason, however, I see in the work of the artist, and he may experience it as such. Happiness lies in the swiftness of feeling and thinking: all the rest of the worl

"My country, right or wrong" is a thing that no patriot would think of saying, except in a desperate case. It is like saying "My mother, drunk or sober."

You know it's Monday when you wake up and it's Tuesday.

Joe Cool always spends the first two weeks at college sailing his frisbee.

Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest r

Just once I would like to persuade the audience not to wear any article of blue denim. If only they could see themselves in a pair of brown corduroys like mine instead of this awful, boring blue denim. I don't enjoy the sky or sea as much as I used

War is like love, it always finds a way.

Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And when you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks into you.

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.

"There is a God, but He drinks"

"Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex." (Where there is no police, there is no speed limit.)

I would have made a good pope.

Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.

Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this: that you are dreadfully like other people.

Politics and the fate of mankind are formed by men without ideals and without greatness. Those who have greatness within them do not go in for politics.

I'll turn over a new leaf.

The Least Perceptive Literary Critic The most important critic in our field of study is Lord Halifax. A most individual judge of poetry, he once invited Alexander Pope round to give a public reading of his latest poem. Pope, the leading poet of h

I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs.

Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l.

It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back.

Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty is oblivion.

It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim of infanticide.

This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with great force.

If you aren't rich you should always look useful.

You guys have been practicing discrimination for years. Now it's our turn.

The only certainty is that nothing is certain.

America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up.

It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is better still to be a live lion. And usually easier.

Unprovided with original learning, unformed in the habits of thinking, unskilled in the arts of composition, I resolved to write a book.

After the game the king and the pawn go in the same box.

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.

Walk softly and carry a big stick.

Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.

By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve.

Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.

Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their handbags are full.

The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque Enclosed."

It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is?

No Marxist can deny that the interests of socialism are higher than the interests of the right of nations to self-determination.

If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive!

In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one of the risks he takes.