A definition of teaching: casting fake pearls before real swine.

The fact that it works is immaterial.

Life is the childhood of our immortality.

The profession of book writing makes horse racing seem like a solid, stable business.

If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism.

Truth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominy of him that brought her birth.

Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with royal-blue chickens.

In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment was expressed by Thomas K. Co

One man's Mede is another man's Persian.

We have reason to be afraid. This is a terrible place.

Too much of everything is just enough.

It's easier to take it apart than to put it back together.

The college graduate is presented with a sheepskin to cover his intellectual nakedness.

With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time they make a law it's a joke.

The eye is a menace to clear sight, the ear is a menace to subtle hearing, the mind is a menace to wisdom, every organ of the senses is a menace to its own capacity. ... Fuss, the god of the Southern Ocean, and Fret, the god of the Northern Ocean, h

The first requisite for immortality is death.

I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't seem to work.

As well look for a needle in a bottle of hay.

In my experience, if you have to keep the lavatory door shut by extending your left leg, it's modern architecture.

No good deed goes unpunished.

What we do not understand we do not possess.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment.

What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence.

Just close your eyes, tap your heels together three times, and think to yourself, `There's no place like home.'

The meek shall inherit the earth, but *not* its mineral rights.

Dignity is like a flag. It flaps in a storm.

The true way goes over a rope which is not stretched at any great height but just above the ground. It seems more designed to make people stumble than to be walked upon.

Learning without thought is labor lost; thought without learning is perilous.

"Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work"

Two heads are better than one.

Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, but remember, it didn't help the rabbit.

Divorce is a game played by lawyers.

Live fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway!

For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.

If we spoke a different language, we would perceive a somewhat different world.

There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Pope.

It was a female that drove me to drink and I didn't even have the kindness to thank her.

Human resources are human first, and resources second.

The real purpose of books is to trap the mind into doing its own thinking.

No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.

Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all.

The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch someone else doing it wrong, without commenting.

XXI: It's easy to get a loan unless you need it. XXII: If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock, not selling advice. XXIII: Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is currently estimated. XXIV:

The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it.

There is no cure for birth and death other than to enjoy the interval.

Housework can kill you if done right.

Ninety percent of everything is crap.

I knew her before she was a virgin.

The 'A' is for content, the 'minus' is for not typing it. Don't ever do this to my eyes again.

It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire.

There are many of us in this old world of ours who hold that things break about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get about the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summer and the poor get it in the winter.

It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our offense consists in doubting it.

Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.

Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.

Leave no stone unturned.

Coincidences are spiritual puns.

Do not seek death; death will find you. But seek the road which makes death a fulfillment.

Someday, Weederman, we'll look back on all this and laugh... It will probably be one of those deep, eerie ones that slowly builds to a blood-curdling maniacal scream... but still it will be a laugh.

Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours.

We're fantastically incredibly sorry for all these extremely unreasonable things we did. I can only plead that my simple, barely-sentient friend and myself are underprivileged, deprived and also college students.

I'd just as soon kiss a Wookie.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

If I could reach, I'd never leave the house.

Rascal, am I? Take THAT!

Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground

It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do.

Whatever is not nailed down is mine. Whatever I can pry up is not nailed down.

The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.

You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental Anguish. You would sue: * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions

The only certainty is that nothing is certain.

The Worst Car Hire Service When David Schwartz left university in 1972, he set up Rent-a-wreck as a joke. Being a natural prankster, he acquired a fleet of beat-up shabby, wreckages waiting for the scrap heap in California. He put on a cap and lo

It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look, which morally we can do. T

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

The final delusion is the belief that one has lost all delusions.

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

Go away, I'm all right.

Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all.

As Gen. de Gaulle occassionally acknowledges America to be the daughter of Europe, so I am pleased to come to Yale, the daughter of Harvard.

So you think that money is the root of all evil. Have you ever asked what is the root of money?

The road to Hades is easy to travel.

The great question that has never been answered and which I have not yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul is: WHAT DOES A WOMAN WANT?

The truth is rarely pure, and never simple.

Praise the sea; on shore remain.

You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.

Never promise more than you can perform.

I recognize terror as the finest emotion and so I will try to terrorize the reader. But if I find that I cannot terrify, I will try to horrify, and if I find that I cannot horrify, I'll go for the gross-out.

For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.

"I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment."

All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you can deduct the cost of your house, beca

Dustin Farnum: Why, yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats! Oliver Herford: Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of it!

He that bringeth a present, findeth the door open.

He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know.

Reality is just a convenient measure of complexity.

No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.

Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.

The proof of the pudding is in the eating.

I am a deeply superficial person.

Why am I so soft in the middle when the rest of my life is so hard?