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A woman who is guided by the head and not by the heart is a social pestilence: she has all the defects of the passionate and affectionate woman, with none of her compensations; she is without pity, without love, without virtue, without sex.

Jack Handley

I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two highly trained certified public accountants.

Jackson Glenda

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Jackson Justice Robert H.

If what they've been doing hasn't solved the problem, tell them to do something else.

Jackson Justice Robert H.

My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my family, it seems, begins where yours left off.

Jackson Justice Robert H.

A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!" "However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."

Jackson Andrew

A dead man cannot bite.

Jagger Mick

"Hey, Sam, how about a loan?" "Whattaya need?" "Oh, about $500." "Whattaya got for collateral?" "Whattaya need?" "How about an eye?"

James Clive

If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads.

James William

Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth gr

James William

It is a lesson which all history teaches wise men, to put trust in ideas, and not in circumstances.

James Agate

The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist knows it.

Jane Wagner

Jarry Alfred

Solipsists of the World... you are already united.

Jean Giraudoux

Credit ... is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man.

Jefferson Thomas

As well look for a needle in a bottle of hay.

Jefferson Thomas

XXVI: If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed on each other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to chance. XXVII: Rank does not intimidate hardware. Neither does the lack of rank. XXVIII: It is better to be the r

Jefferson Thomas

The more laws and order are made prominent, the more thieves and robbers there will be.

Jefferson Thomas

Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy.

Jefferson Thomas

I'm going to raise an issue and stick it in your ear.

Jefferson Thomas

Suffering alone exists, none who suffer; The deed there is, but no doer thereof; Nirvana is, but no one is seeking it; The Path there is, but none who travel it.

Jefferson Thomas

There's no such thing as an original sin.

Jefferson Thomas

Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.

Jefferson Thomas

Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at reasonable prices? Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's build a home center. And before long ho

Jefferson Thomas

If it doesn't smell yet, it's pretty fresh.

Jerome Jerome K.

Faith is under the left nipple.

Jerome Jerome Klapka

Ain't no right way to do a wrong thing.

Jerome Saint

God instructs the heart, not by ideas, but by pains and contradictions.

Jerrold Douglas

Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their handbags are full.

Jessel Sir George

The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque Enclosed."

Jessica Salmonson

Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and resisting the current what each had


No is no negative in a woman's mouth.

Jim Strange de

He thought of Musashi, the Sword Saint, standing in his garden more than three hundred years ago. "What is the 'Body of a rock'?" he was asked. In answer, Musashi summoned a pupil of his and bid him kill himself by slashing his abdomen with a knife.

Jim Strange de

When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.

Jim Strange de

How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another in the waking state?

Jim Starlin

It is only the man whose intellect is clouded by his sexual impulse that could give the name of the fair sex to that undersized, narrow-shouldered, broad-hipped, and short-legged race.

Jim Starlin

Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled.

Jim Steinman

About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.

Jimmy Crazy

The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.

Jitterbu Tom Robbins

To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.

Joan Didion

One hundred women are not worth a single testicle.

Joan Didion

The means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers, always end up on their ends without any means.

Joel Chandler Harris

Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions.

Joel M. Snyder

Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.


He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man.

Joh Lyndon B.

It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end.

John Ball

He who knows others is wise. He who knows himself is enlightened.

John Barrymore

Forgive and forget.

John Denver

According to my best recollection, I don't remember.

John Dewey

A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.

John Donne

If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.

John Gardner

When in doubt, use brute force.

John Hunt British

God helps them that help themselves.

John Kennedy

The `loner' may be respected, but he is always resented by his colleagues, for he seems to be passing a critical judgment on them, when he may be simply making a limiting statement about himself.

John Kenneth Galbraith

Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored.

John LeCarre

My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed.

John Lightfoot

"There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him during the trial."

John The Dragon to Grendel in

Facts are the enemy of truth.

Johnson Dave

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.

Johnson Dr.

The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.

Johnson Dr.

The world is your exercise-book, the pages on which you do your sums. It is not reality, although you can express reality there if you wish. You are also free to write nonsense, or lies, or to tear the pages.

Johnson Lyndon Baines

The best you get is an even break.

Johnson S.

A highly intelligent man should take a primitive woman. Imagine if on top of everything else, I had a woman who interfered with my work.

Johnson Samuel

The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late and owns the worm farm.

Johnson Samuel

When I have one foot in the grave I will tell the truth about women. I shall tell it, jump into my coffin, pull the lid over me, and say, "Do what you like now."

Johnson Samuel

If we don't survive, we don't do anything else.

Johnson Samuel

What one believes to be true either is true or becomes true.

Johnson Samuel

Out of sight is out of mind.

Johnson Samuel

It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the r

Johnson Samuel

A rolling stone gathers no moss.


When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.

Johnson Lyndon

Here's to women. Would that we could fall into her arms without falling into her hands.

Johnston M. M.

I hate dying.

Joke The Killing

No good deed goes unpunished.

Jones Carolyn

Walking on water wasn't built in a day.

Jones Franklin P.

One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to represent a creative meeting, and the ratio c

Jones Franklin P.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches.

Jones Franklin P.

If a shameless woman expects to be defiled and then dies of her fierce love because you do not consent, will chastity also be homicide?

Jones Franklin P.

Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget.

Jones Thomas

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.

Jones] Chuck

I have ways of making money that you know nothing of.

Joost van den Vondel

The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his memos.

Joplin Janis

If you sell diamonds, you cannot expect to have many customers. But a diamond is a diamond even if there are no customers.

Jorge Luis Borges

Whatever occurs from love is always beyond good and evil.

Joseph Gallo

Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.

Joubert Joseph

We are governed not by armies and police but by ideas.

Journal Albuquerque

...He who laughs does not believe in what he laughs at, but neither does he hate it. Therefore, laughing at evil means not preparing oneself to combat it, and laughing at good means denying the power through which good is self-propagating.

Journal The Wall Street

Don't guess

Joyce James

There is more to life than increasing its speed.

Joyce James

A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.

Juan Don

If we see the light at the end of the tunnel, it's the light of an oncoming train.

Judith Martin

No excellent soul is exempt from a mixture of madness.

Judy Garland

Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away?

Juliana Queen

Chapter 1 The story so far: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

Julius Caesar

In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!"

Jun Esquire

There is nothing new except what has been forgotten.

Jung Carl

What excuses stand in your way? How can you eliminate them?

Jung C.G.

Life is too short to be taken seriously.

Juvenalis Decimus Junius

Everything is possible. Pass the word.

Juvenalis Decimus Junius

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My father, a good man, told me, "Never lose your ignorance; you cannot replace it."
Remarque Erich Maria

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