If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.

Even the clearest and most perfect circumstantial evidence is likely to be at fault, after all, and therefore ought to be received with great caution. Take the case of any pencil, sharpened by any woman; if you have witnesses, you will find she did

Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait. [If youth but knew, if old age but could.]

Why my thoughts are my own, when they are in, but when they are out they are another's.

Non-Determinism is not meant to be reasonable.

It shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the municipality.

A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk.

Government [is] an illusion the governed should not encourage.

Virtue would go far if vanity did not keep it company.

We tried to close Ohio's borders and ran into a Constitutional problem. There's a provision in the Constitution that says you can't close your borders to interstate commerce, and garbage is a form of interstate commerce.

Our parents were of Midwestern stock and very strict. They didn't want us to grow up to be spoiled and rich. If we left our tennis racquets in the rain, we were punished.

Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally promoting a falsehood, isn't it?

To err is human, to repent, divine, to persist, devilish.

Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other forms that have been tried from time to time.

Now it is such a bizarrely improbable coincidence that anything so mind- bogglingly useful could have evolved purely by chance that some thinkers have chosen to see it as a final and clinching proof of the non-existence of God. The argument follows:

Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l.

Illusion is the first of all pleasures.

Before you ask more questions, think about whether you really want to know the answers.

Political speeches are like steer horns. A point here, a point there, and a lot of bull inbetween.

[The French Riviera is] a sunny place for shady people.

It is often easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission.

People need good lies. There are too many bad ones.

You are never given a wish without also being given the power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however.

The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his memos.

Coincidences are spiritual puns.

Is uniformity attainable? Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned; yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity. What has been the effect of coercio

Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done.

"To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition."

Nothing endures but change.

I would have made a good pope.

If men are not afraid to die, it is of no avail to threaten them with death. If men live in constant fear of dying, And if breaking the law means a man will be killed, Who will dare to break the law? There is always an official executioner. If

There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life.

God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little... The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty [...] I do not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman... not enough to support a man and fiv

Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.

Boston State House is the hub of the Solar System. You couldn't pry that out of a Boston man if you had the tire of all creation straightened out for a crowbar.

... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.

Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere. Climb the mountain just a little to test it's a mountain. From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain.

The error of youth is to believe that intelligence is a substitute for experience, while the error of age is to believe experience is a substitute for intelligence.

The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak.

Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're alive.

Theology is an attempt to explain a subject by men who do not understand it. The intent is not to tell the truth but to satisfy the questioner.

The American system of ours, call it Americanism, call it Capitalism, call it what you like, gives each and every one of us a great opportunity if we only seize it with both hands and make the most of it.

By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death.

When the English language gets in my way, I walk over it.

According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could beat up their

Every person, all the events in your life are there because you have drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you.

I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man.

Fame lost its appeal for me when I went into a public restroom and an autograph seeker handed me a pen and paper under the stall door.

I am firm. You are obstinate. He is a pig-headed fool.

Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which millionaires tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth.

Two heads are better than one.

You know you are getting old when you think you should drive the speed limit.

A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth.

If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.

I don't understand what all the fuss was about in Los Angeles. It's not like we looted Brooks Brothers when Oliver North got off.

Odets, where is thy sting?

Poverty must have its satisfactions, else there would not be so many poor people.

WE'RE GOING TO THROW THE MX AWAY AFTER WE BUILD IT. The MX is really [Don't tell anybody!] just a "bargaining chip" in the nuclear-arms- reduction talks with the Russians. See, we have a problem with the Russians. They look at our leaders and they

The sunlights differ, but there is only one darkness.

Rome was not built in one day.

What one fool can do, another can.

Perhaps the remembrance of these things will prove a source of future pleasure.

The faster we go, the rounder we get.

A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough to take it all away.

Men are superior to women.

San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.

I'm not the person your mother warned you about... her imagination isn't that good.

Show business is just like high school, except you get paid.

Lay off the muses, it's a very tough dollar.

In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment was expressed by Thomas K. Co

... we must not judge the society of the future by considering whether or not we should like to live in it; the question is whether those who have grown up in it will be happier than those who have grown up in our society or those of the past.

If one inquires why the American tradition is so strong against any connection of State and Church, why it dreads even the rudiments of religious teaching in state-maintained schools, the immediate and superficial answer is not far to seek. ... The

Nonsense and beauty have close connections.

Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions.

Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.

Dianetics is a milestone for man comparable to his discovery of fire and superior to his invention of the wheel and the arch.

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.

That must be wonderful: I don't understand it at all.

We must remember that in time of war what is said on the enemy's side of the front is always propaganda and what is said on our side of the front is truth and righteousness, the cause of humanity and a crusade for peace.

Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest r

To do two things at once is to do neither.

Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet deprecate agitation, are men who want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean without the roar of its many waters.

There is always one thing to remember: writers are always selling somebody out.

Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.

Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.

Set the cart before the horse.

Rule the Empire through force.

Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental Anguish. You would sue: * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions

A little bit of rape is good for a man's soul.

"... gentlemen do not read each other's mail."

Well, you know, no matter where you go, there you are.

No man's ambition has a right to stand in the way of performing a simple act of justice.

Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep". Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference: "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling." Obvious, isn't

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should therefore be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated. If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to declare war and they are screened at onc

Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.

As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular.

If I love you, what business is it of yours?

Go to the Scriptures... the joyful promises it contains will be a balsam to all your troubles.