A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.

One picture is worth more than ten thousand words.

All hope abandon, ye who enter here!

He hath eaten me out of house and home.

Your chances of getting hit by lightning go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and say, "Storms suck!"

When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see the sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten.

One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say.

It were not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion that makes horse-races.

"... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often picturesque liar."

Look, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters, con-men. That's the way businesses get started. That's the way this country was built.

The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt.

Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and everything else follows in the same way.

It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure.

If you sell diamonds, you cannot expect to have many customers. But a diamond is a diamond even if there are no customers.

I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some kind of loophole.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

A dead man cannot bite.

I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.

If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.

Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.

Not all who own a harp are harpers.

Practice is the best of all instructors.

We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it - and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that is well; but also she will never

A man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles in the road.

"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away".

He who despairs over an event is a coward, but he who holds hopes for the human condition is a fool.

No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.

Think sideways!

When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it "Christmas" and went to

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths good theatre.

Have you ever stopped to think what it would be like to have a woman President? "I can't deal with the Russians today. Not now. I've got my period."

What excuses stand in your way? How can you eliminate them?

There is no act of treachery or mean-ness of which a political party is not capable; for in politics there is no honour.

I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and I wasn't tempted to buy

The Least Successful Executions History has furnished us with two executioners worthy of attention. The first performed in Sydney in Australia. In 1803 three attempts were made to hang a Mr. Joseph Samuels. On the first two of these the rope snap

There is nothing new except what has been forgotten.

Art is a jealous mistress.

Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.

Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion.

Perhaps no person can be a poet, or even enjoy poetry without a certain unsoundness of mind.

Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away.

The nearer to the church, the further from God.

You don't move to Edina, you achieve Edina.

Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamp-post how it feels about dogs.

Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they had towels from my house.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for fun. Money's just the way we keep score.

The only promotion rules I can think of are that a sense of shame is to be avoided at all costs and there is never any reason for a hustler to be less cunning than more virtuous men. Oh yes ... whenever you think you've got something really great, a

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It is easy to find fault, if one has that disposition. There was once a man who, not being able to find any other fault with his coal, complained that there were too many prehistoric toads in it.

When eating an elephant take one bite at a time.

What a strange game. The only winning move is not to play.

The pollution's at that awkward stage. Too thick to navigate and too thin to cultivate.

If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it.

Now it is such a bizarrely improbable coincidence that anything so mind- bogglingly useful could have evolved purely by chance that some thinkers have chosen to see it as a final and clinching proof of the non-existence of God. The argument follows:

He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom.

Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.

The trouble with opportunity is that it always comes disguised as hard work.

The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind.

Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a number. Youre two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and another number.

It is better to live rich than to die rich.

Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.

She say, Miss Colie, You better hush. God might hear you. Let 'im hear me, I say. If he ever listened to poor colored women the world would be a different place, I can tell you.

If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.

The time spent on any item of the agenda [of a finance committee] will be in inverse proportion to the sum involved.

Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich and powerful know that he is.

"MOKE DAT YIGARETTE"

Remark of Dr. Baldwin's concerning upstarts: We don't care to eat toadstools that think they are truffles.

Leave no stone unturned.

Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.

What does it take for Americans to do great things; to go to the moon, to win wars, to dig canals linking oceans, to build railroads across a continent? In independent thought about this question, Neil Armstrong and I concluded that it takes a coinci

There is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty. "When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend."

Well, he didn't know what to do, so he decided to look at the government, to see what they did, and scale it down and run his life that way.

Those who do things in a noble spirit of self-sacrifice are to be avoided at all costs.

Acting is not very hard. The most important things are to be able to laugh and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. And if I have to laugh, well, I think of my sex life.

Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic table.

A little bit of rape is good for a man's soul.

New Jersey is not the armpit of the nation; it's the asshole of the universe.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

We ... make the modern error of dignifying the Individual. We do everything we can to butter him up. We give him a name, assure him that he has certain inalienable rights, educate him, let him pass on his name to his brats and when he dies we give

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

Mundus vult decipi decipiatur ergo.

He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue.

The optimum committee has no members.

It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim of infanticide.

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.

One good turn deserves another.

[He] took me into his library and showed me his books, of which he had a complete set.

Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.

The means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers, always end up on their ends without any means.

"Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong."

A place for everything and everything in its place.

Hell is empty and all the devils are here.

The Bible is not my Book and Christianity is not my religion. I could never give assent to the long complicated statements of Christian dogma.

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

There is always something new out of Africa.

I believe that the moment is near when by a procedure of active paranoiac thought, it will be possible to systematize confusion and contribute to the total discrediting of the world of reality.