We are all born mad. Some remain so.

What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space-launch-style "hold" for two to three hours, durin

You can't run away forever, But there's nothing wrong with getting a good head start.

Virtue is not left to stand alone. He who practices it will have neighbors.

The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine we own.

Is uniformity attainable? Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned; yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity. What has been the effect of coercio

If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.

Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.

"I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it."

L'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare.

Never trust an automatic pistol or a D.A.'s deal.

An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest.

The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarian tribe now stacking wood at her nubile feet, when the strong clear voice of the poetic and heroic Handsomas roared, 'Flick your Bic, cr

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.

An office party is not, as is sometimes supposed the Managing Director's chance to kiss the tea-girl. It is the tea-girl's chance to kiss the Managing Director (however bizarre an ambition this may seem to anyone who has seen the Managing Director f

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York City. One is "Hey, taxi." Two is, "What train do I take to get to Bloomingdale's?" And three is, "Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound."

I ain't got no quarrel with them Viet Congs.

"It's kind of fun to do the impossible."

No evil can happen to a good man.

If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.

If we see the light at the end of the tunnel, it's the light of an oncoming train.

One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say.

Solipsists of the World... you are already united.

And they mainly want to teach them not to question, not to imagine, but to be obedient and behave well so that they can hold them forever as children to their bosom as the second millennium lurches toward its panicky close.

I am just a nice, clean-cut Mongolian boy.

You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form. The short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified", which means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears tax-preparation expert to distinguish betwe

Lord, what fools these mortals be!

The reasons that each of these countries has had to renege on its financial committments were all somewhat different: Argentina because of a war, Poland because of its vast misguided overinvestment in heavy industry, Honduras because the coffee price

What luck for the rulers that men do not think.

A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time of trouble.

We tried to close Ohio's borders and ran into a Constitutional problem. There's a provision in the Constitution that says you can't close your borders to interstate commerce, and garbage is a form of interstate commerce.

Let the people think they govern and they will be governed.

What does it take for Americans to do great things; to go to the moon, to win wars, to dig canals linking oceans, to build railroads across a continent? In independent thought about this question, Neil Armstrong and I concluded that it takes a coinci

When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.

Youth is a blunder, manhood a struggle, old age a regret.

All religions issue Bibles against Satan, and say the most injurious things against him, but we never hear his side.

Patience is the best remedy for every trouble.

Man must shape his tools lest they shape him.

Fortune and love befriend the bold.

If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, it might well prolong his life.

The human instinct to censor thrives, as it always will, living in irrepressible conflict with the human instinct to speak. Outrage, self-righteousness, and paranoia feed the maw of censorship. Squelching speech, however, never reduces society's net

A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him.

NEW YORK

I realize that the MX missile is none of our concern. I realize that the whole point of living in a democracy is that we pay professional congresspersons to concern themselves with things like the MX missile so we can be free to concern ourselves wi

I trust the first lion he meets will do his duty.

Nothing will ever be attempted if all possible objections must be first overcome.

If Karl, instead of writing a lot about Capital, had made a lot of Capital, it would have been much better.

It is either through the influence of narcotic potions, of which all primitive peoples and races speak in hymns, or through the powerful approach of spring, penetrating with joy all of nature, that those Dionysian stirrings arise, which in their int

A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies, scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom.

But, for my own part, it was Greek to me.

The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion. Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed and color, but also on ability.

Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered. I myself would say that it had merely been detected.

If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows.

You'd better smile when they watch you, smile like you're in control.

I always wake up at the crack of ice.

Darth Vader! Only you would be so bold!

Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher. The butcher is weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and weeks. He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists, but he sings about his gin

I am examining you on your fool ideas that no intelligent Christian on earth believes.

Eighteen goddess-like daughters are not equal to one son with a hump.

The fact that Hitler was a political genius unmasks the nature of politics in general as no other can.

Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.

The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for lists of "Ten Best".

Why attack God? He may be as miserable as we are.

One of my favorite jokes, a telling commentary on Jewish mothers' capacity to lay on guilt, involves the mother who gave her son two neckties on Chanuka. The boy hurried into his bedroom, ripped off the tie he was wearing, put on one of the ties his

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.

A sinking ship gathers no moss.

To be patriotic, hate all nations but your own; to be religious, all sects but your own; to be moral, all pretenses but your own.

Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know any more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he doesn't know much.

When we jumped into Sicily, the units became separated, and I couldn't find anyone. Eventually I stumbled across two colonels, a major, three captains, two lieutenants, and one rifleman, and we secured the bridge. Never in the history of war have s

It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed.

Remark of Dr. Baldwin's concerning upstarts: We don't care to eat toadstools that think they are truffles.

"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company."

It is right that he too should have his little chronicle, his memories, his reason, and be able to recognize the good in the bad, the bad in the worst, and so grow gently old all down the unchanging days and die one day like any other day, only short

You must know that a man can have only one invulnerable loyalty, loyalty to his own concept of the obligations of manhood. All other loyalties are merely deputies of that one.

Anything that is worth doing has been done frequently. Things hitherto undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth.

A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!

Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest men in national government too.

You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove.

For fools rush in where angels fear to tread.

Don't everyone thank me at once!

One big pile is better than two little piles.

An honest tale speeds best being plainly told.

No excellent soul is exempt from a mixture of madness.

We are all so much together and yet we are all dying of loneliness.

Money doesn't talk, it swears.

Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped.

When I have one foot in the grave I will tell the truth about women. I shall tell it, jump into my coffin, pull the lid over me, and say, "Do what you like now."

When there are two conflicting versions of the story, the wise course is to believe the one in which people appear at their worst.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should therefore be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated. If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to declare war and they are screened at onc

A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.

Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases.

Politicians speak for their parties, and parties never are, never have been, and never will be wrong.

Violence stinks, no matter which end of it you're on. But now and then there's nothing left to do but hit the other person over the head with a frying pan. Sometimes people are just begging for that frypan, and if we weaken for a moment and honor t

A violent man will die a violent death.

The whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively.

It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do.