Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances.

Love the sea? I dote upon it

Five bicycles make a volkswagen, seven make a truck.

A witty saying proves nothing.

... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.

Alas, how love can trifle with itself!

Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.

Politics is the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn't happen.

I understand why you're confused. You're thinking too much.

The Least Perceptive Literary Critic The most important critic in our field of study is Lord Halifax. A most individual judge of poetry, he once invited Alexander Pope round to give a public reading of his latest poem. Pope, the leading poet of h

You know how to win a victory, Hannibal, but not how to use it.

If any demonstrator ever lays down in front of my car, it'll be the last car he ever lays down in front of.

Patch griefs with proverbs.

After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations.

Some women should be beaten regularly, like gongs.

He liked fishing a little too much, and he believed that work was something a man did when he had to. He had always been able to get along well enough without it, especially for the last couple of years.

Why, every one as they like; as the good woman said when she kissed her cow.

You can't hold a man down without staying down with him.

Ninety percent of everything is crap.

While there's life, there's hope.

Hell is empty and all the devils are here.

Out of sight is out of mind.

The English instinctively admire any man who has no talent and is modest about it.

A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.

There's no justice in this world.

'Scuse me, while I kiss the sky!

The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover's Lane holding his own hand.

We're living in a golden age. All you need is gold.

We know next to nothing about virtually everything. It is not necessary to know the origin of the universe; it is necessary to want to know. Civilization depends not on any particular knowledge, but on the disposition to crave knowledge.

You won't skid if you stay in a rut.

What kind of sordid business are you on now? I mean, man, whither goest thou? Whither goest thou, America, in thy shiny car in the night?

Unless hours were cups of sack, and minutes capons, and clocks the tongues of bawds, and dials the signs of leaping houses, and the blessed sun himself a fair, hot wench in flame-colored taffeta, I see no reason why thou shouldst be so superfluous to

Ten persons who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent.

It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.

Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near the earth's surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people to do so.

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.

I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable to sit still in a room.

The health of a democratic society may be measured by the quality of functions performed by private citizens.

Something better... 13 (sympathetic): Oh, What happened? Did your parents lose a bet with God? 14 (complimentary): You must love the little birdies to give them this to perch on. 15 (scientific): Say, does that thing there influence the tides?

This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.

If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, it might well prolong his life.

We are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

My tears stuck in their little ducts, refusing to be jerked.

Lookie, lookie, here comes cookie...

The philosopher's treatment of a question is like the treatment of an illness.

If a man loses his reverence for any part of life, he will lose his reverence for all of life.

If it were thought that anything I wrote was influenced by Robert Frost, I would take that particular work of mine, shred it, and flush it down the toilet, hoping not to clog the pipes. A more sententious, holding- forth old bore who expected every

"Life would be much simpler and things would get done much faster if it weren't for other people"

He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him.

In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable.

Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.

I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob.

... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *___did* quote anybody in this business, it probably would be gibberish.

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.

I'm going to Vietnam at the request of the White House. President Johnson says a war isn't really a war without my jokes.

If I had done everything I'm credited with, I'd be speaking to you from a laboratory jar at Harvard.

It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased.

If they were so inclined, they could impeach him because they don't like his necktie.

Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.

Hindsight is always 20:20.

An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see a great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures. I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment. I have given up everything I was aske

Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a number. Youre two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and another number.

And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have a sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks tragedy, and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets tragedy face to face, we have politics.

Life is a hospital in which every patient is possessed by the desire to change his bed.

Small things make base men proud.

It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the r

All generalizations are false, including this one.

We should have a Vollyballocracy. We elect a six-pack of presidents. Each one serves until they screw up, at which point they rotate.

Many of the characters are fools and they are always playing tricks on me and treating me badly.

Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.

Solipsists of the World... you are already united.

It is easier to make a saint out of a libertine than out of a prig.

You k'n hide de fier, but w'at you gwine do wid de smoke?

It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters.

An actor's a guy who if you ain't talkin' about him, ain't listening.

Youth is a blunder, manhood a struggle, old age a regret.

You can't depend on the man who made the mess to clean it up.

I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the Roman Church, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant Church, nor by any Church that I know of. My own mind is my own Church.

... the privileged being which we call human is distinguished from other animals only by certain double-edged manifestations which in charity we can only call "inhuman."

Lay on, MacDuff, and curs'd be him who first cries, "Hold, enough!".

Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.

There are no answers, only cross-references.

I have just enough white in me to make my honesty questionable.

An elderly man stands in line for hours at a Warsaw meat store (meat is severely rationed). When the butcher comes out at the end of the day and announces that there is no meat left, the man flies into a rage. "What is this?" he shouts. "I fought

"Hey, Sam, how about a loan?" "Whattaya need?" "Oh, about $500." "Whattaya got for collateral?" "Whattaya need?" "How about an eye?"

"There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him during the trial."

For every bloke who makes his mark, there's half a dozen waiting to rub it out.

America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up.

If you want divine justice, die.

Work Hard. Rock Hard. Eat Hard. Sleep Hard. Grow Big. Wear Glasses If You Need 'Em.

I'd be a poorer man if I'd never seen an eagle fly.

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

Never laugh at live dragons.

You don't have to be nice to people on the way up if you're not planning on coming back down.

Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.

A myth is a religion in which no-one any longer believes.

A woman who is unfaithful deserves to be shot.

"... I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that was supposed to make me look like the dashing, romantic Zorro but which actually made me look like a gigantic bat wearing glasses ..."