When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the thing," it's the money.

Getting into trouble is easy.

If your happiness depends on what somebody else does, I guess you do have a problem.

Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.

With women, I've got a long bamboo pole with a leather loop on the end of it. I slip the loop around their necks so they can't get away or come too close. Like catching snakes.

Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere. Climb the mountain just a little to test it's a mountain. From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain.

Dignity is like a flag. It flaps in a storm.

"Hey, Sam, how about a loan?" "Whattaya need?" "Oh, about $500." "Whattaya got for collateral?" "Whattaya need?" "How about an eye?"

Well, you know, no matter where you go, there you are.

If I could reach, I'd never leave the house.

Don't guess

Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women it is merely a good excuse not to play football.

Music in the soul can be heard by the universe.

The philosopher's treatment of a question is like the treatment of an illness.

There's no such thing as a free lunch.

If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads.

Mundus vult decipi decipiatur ergo.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. My advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

We're all in this alone.

Have you ever stopped to think what it would be like to have a woman President? "I can't deal with the Russians today. Not now. I've got my period."

What you want, what you're hanging around in the world waiting for, is for something to occur to you.

Sensible and responsible women do not want to vote.

A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it.

God gave man two ears and one tongue so that we listen twice as much as we speak.

The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes, respectability and children. Nothing can lift those seven milestones from man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the milestones are lifted.

Chance is perhaps the work of God when He did not want to sign.

Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like.

The executioner is, I hear, very expert, and my neck is very slender.

There has been a little distress selling on the stock exchange.

Who does not trust enough will not be trusted.

He who fears the unknown may one day flee from his own backside.

The first rule of all intelligent tinkering is to keep all the parts.

A furore Normanorum libera nos, O Domine! [From the fury of the norsemen deliver us, O Lord!]

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

What excuses stand in your way? How can you eliminate them?

Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich and powerful know that he is.

It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do.

Fear is the greatest salesman.

There are no accidents whatsoever in the universe.

A journey of a thousand miles starts under one's feet.

No small art is it to sleep: it is necessary for that purpose to keep awake all day.

There seems no plan because it is all plan.

It is ridiculous to call this an industry. This is not. This is rat eat rat, dog eat dog. I'll kill 'em, and I'm going to kill 'em before they kill me. You're talking about the American way of survival of the fittest.

Philosophy will clip an angel's wings.

Remembering is for those who have forgotten.

A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around she deserved.

Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.

No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.

Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion.

It is bad luck to be superstitious.

The greatest productive force is human selfishness.

By the middle 1880's, practically all the roads except those in the South, were of the present standard gauge. The southern roads were still five feet between rails. It was decided to change the gauge of all southern roads to standard, in one day

There's no such thing as a free lunch.

This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly, because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has "deregulated" the airline industry. What t

The eye is a menace to clear sight, the ear is a menace to subtle hearing, the mind is a menace to wisdom, every organ of the senses is a menace to its own capacity. ... Fuss, the god of the Southern Ocean, and Fret, the god of the Northern Ocean, h

The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because it isn't here.

I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike.

There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish.

A witty saying proves nothing.

Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods.

Necessity hath no law.

Too much of everything is just enough.

Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all.

A man is known by the company he organizes.

"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away".

Goals... Plans... they're fantasies, they're part of a dream world...

Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it.

Leave no stone unturned.

A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!" "However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."

An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition.

The whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively.

I'm going to raise an issue and stick it in your ear.

Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money.

Thou hast seen nothing yet.

A sinking ship gathers no moss.

A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.

All hope abandon, ye who enter here!

Someday, Weederman, we'll look back on all this and laugh... It will probably be one of those deep, eerie ones that slowly builds to a blood-curdling maniacal scream... but still it will be a laugh.

When you are at Rome live in the Roman style; when you are elsewhere live as they live elsewhere.

A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth.

In charity there is no excess.

All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard, ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas.

Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.

You have all eternity to be cautious in when you're dead.

Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their handbags are full.

I love treason but hate a traitor.

You can't run away forever, But there's nothing wrong with getting a good head start.

If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women you've got in the house.

Small is beautiful.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.

In every hierarchy the cream rises until it sours.

The only certainty is that nothing is certain.

To do two things at once is to do neither.

To err is human, to repent, divine, to persist, devilish.

No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.

With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time they make a law it's a joke.

If a thing's worth having, it's worth cheating for.

I'd be a poorer man if I'd never seen an eagle fly.

It is not enough that I should succeed. Others must fail.