"I'd like to start a new religion. One that doesn't use a dead young man as its logo."

We're living in a golden age. All you need is gold.

Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with a valentine.

Politics, as a practice, whatever its professions, has always been the systematic organisation of hatreds.

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.

When you die, you lose a very important part of your life.

October 12, the Discovery. It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.

She was good at playing abstract confusion in the same way a midget is good at being short.

Well, we'll really have a party, but we've gotta post a guard outside.

If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry.

Indomitable in retreat; invincible in advance; insufferable in victory.

This was the most unkindest cut of all.

We should be glad we're living in the time that we are. If any of us had been born into a more enlightened age, I'm sure we would have immediately been taken out and shot.

O, it is excellent To have a giant's strength; but it is tyrannous To use it like a giant.

The ideal voice for radio may be defined as showing no substance, no sex, no owner, and a message of importance for every housewife.

[The French Riviera is] a sunny place for shady people.

A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)

If built in great numbers, motels will be used for nothing but illegal purposes.

The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his memos.

My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it.

There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.

Optimism is the content of small men in high places.

I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the Roman Church, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant Church, nor by any Church that I know of. My own mind is my own Church.

Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.

I paid a visit to my local precinct in Greenwich Village and asked a sergeant to show me some rape statistics. He politely obliged. That month there had been thirty-five rape complaints, an advance of ten over the same month for the previous year.

A highly intelligent man should take a primitive woman. Imagine if on top of everything else, I had a woman who interfered with my work.

Grub first, then ethics.

The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, "How's the President?"

War is like love, it always finds a way.

I believe that the moment is near when by a procedure of active paranoiac thought, it will be possible to systematize confusion and contribute to the total discrediting of the world of reality.

A woman who is unfaithful deserves to be shot.

Sweet April showers do spring May flowers.

Diplomacy is the art of letting the other party have things your way.

A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it.

Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.

The time was the 19th of May, 1780. The place was Hartford, Connecticut. The day has gone down in New England history as a terrible foretaste of Judgement Day. For at noon the skies turned from blue to grey and by mid-afternoon had blackened over s

If you don't strike oil in twenty minutes, stop boring.

There must be more to life than having everything.

The hater of property and of government takes care to have his warranty deed recorded, and the book written against fame and learning has the author's name on the title page.

"Plaese porrf raed."

Hark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender. You stand convicted of sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want.

Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy.

Its name is Public Opinion. It is held in reverence. It settles everything. Some think it is the voice of God.

Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations Various signs in Poland: Right turn toward immediate outside. Go soothingly in the snow, as there lurk the ski demons. Five o'clock tea at all hours. In a men's washroom in Sidney:

Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent and original in your work.

Yevtushenko has... an ego that can crack crystal at a distance of twenty feet.

If you lose a son you can always get another, but there's only one Maltese Falcon.

"The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as we could with both of them."

Let us never negotiate out of fear, but let us never fear to negotiate.

The last vestiges of the old Republic have been swept away.

Fear is the greatest salesman.

You roll my log, and I will roll yours.

The major sin is the sin of being born.

In Pierre Trudeau, Canada has finally produced a Prime Minister worthy of assassination.

Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.

We are giving instruction to FBI agents in the various Chinese dialects ... to handle present and likely future contingencies.

The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence that it is not utterly absurd; indeed, in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind, a widespread belief is more often likely to be foolish than sensible.

No man's ambition has a right to stand in the way of performing a simple act of justice.

Fourteen years in the professor dodge has taught me that one can argue ingeniously on behalf of any theory, applied to any piece of literature. This is rarely harmful, because normally no-one reads such essays.

"There is no Father Christmas. It's just a marketing ploy to make low income parents' lives a misery." "... I want you to picture the trusting face of a child, streaked with tears because of what you just said." "I want you to picture the face of

Life would be tolerable but for its amusements.

They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps.

The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist "Jack."

She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot.

My dear People. My dear Bagginses and Boffins, and my dear Tooks and Brandybucks, and Grubbs, and Chubbs, and Burrowses, and Hornblowers, and Bolgers, Bracegirdles, Goodbodies, Brockhouses and Proudfoots. Also my good Sackville Bagginses that I w

One big pile is better than two little piles.

The sky is blue so we know where to stop mowing.

The road to Hades is easy to travel.

Unknown person(s) stole the American flag from its pole in Etra Park sometime between 3pm Jan 17 and 11:30 am Jan 20. The flag is described as red, white and blue, having 50 stars and was valued at $40.

Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend.

Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.

Divorce is a game played by lawyers.

In my end is my beginning.

Out of sight is out of mind.

Aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star.

I needed the good will of the legislature of four states. I formed the legislative bodies with my own money. I found that it was cheaper that way.

That government is best which governs least.

Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their handbags are full.

... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.

The superfluous is very necessary.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

He who knows others is wise. He who knows himself is enlightened.

Not to laugh, not to lament, not to curse, but to understand.

Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse.

Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions.

"You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive."

Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it.

Thou hast seen nothing yet.

When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the thing," it's the money.

It's always darkest just before the lights go out.

"Is it just me, or does anyone else read `bible humpers' every time someone writes `bible thumpers?'

Harp not on that string.

A furore Normanorum libera nos, O Domine! [From the fury of the norsemen deliver us, O Lord!]

It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim of infanticide.

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.

Another such victory over the Romans, and we are undone.

A game can by God repent or we'll punish it. That's how they did it in Salem in the seventeenth century, and that's how we'll do it now.

A place for everything and everything in its place.