Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic table.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

I am not now and never have been a girl friend of Henry Kissinger.

God help those who do not help themselves.

By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve.

The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine man in the bonds of Hell.

One of my favorite jokes, a telling commentary on Jewish mothers' capacity to lay on guilt, involves the mother who gave her son two neckties on Chanuka. The boy hurried into his bedroom, ripped off the tie he was wearing, put on one of the ties his

Neckties strangle clear thinking.

The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it.

Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday.

It pays in England to be a revolutionary and a bible-smacker most of one's life and then come round.

Business will be either better or worse.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

America is a stronger nation for the ACLU's uncompromising effort.

I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men

If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest shopping center in the world?

The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth.

Crime does not pay ... as well as politics.

I think any man in business would be foolish to fool around with his secretary. If it's somebody else's secretary, fine.

The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey.

I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.

Language is a virus from another planet.

Acting is not very hard. The most important things are to be able to laugh and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. And if I have to laugh, well, I think of my sex life.

Faith is under the left nipple.

Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.

One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to represent a creative meeting, and the ratio c

"MOKE DAT YIGARETTE"

There is a good deal of solemn cant about the common interests of capital and labour. As matters stand, their only common interest is that of cutting each other's throat.

After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon to be created." "This is true," He replied.

You can never do just one thing.

Its name is Public Opinion. It is held in reverence. It settles everything. Some think it is the voice of God.

Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.

The most common given name in the world is Mohammad; the most common family name in the world is Chang. Can you imagine the enormous number of people in the world named Mohammad Chang?

"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away".

I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man.

You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.

... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *___did* quote anybody in this business, it probably would be gibberish.

Seeing that death, a necessary end, Will come when it will come.

Man is by nature a political animal.

I'm glad I was not born before tea.

If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied harder.

Awash with unfocused desire, Everett twisted the lobe of his one remaining ear and felt the presence of somebody else behind him, which caused terror to push through his nervous system like a flash flood roaring down the mid-fork of the Feather River

There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.

If I had done everything I'm credited with, I'd be speaking to you from a laboratory jar at Harvard.

Eighteen goddess-like daughters are not equal to one son with a hump.

What passes for optimism is most often the effect of an intellectual error.

"The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as we could with both of them."

Life is the childhood of our immortality.

I have ways of making money that you know nothing of.

Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two points.

Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped.

Richard Nixon was the most dishonest individual I have ever met in my life. He lied to his wife, his family, his friends, his colleagues in the Congress, lifetime members of his own political party, the American people, and the world.

Then, gently touching my face, she hesitated for a moment as her incredible eyes poured forth into mine love, joy, pain, tragedy, acceptance, and peace. "'Bye for now," she said warmly.

If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.

The whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively.

Think sideways!

As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular.

A full belly makes a dull brain.

Any president should have the right to shoot at least two people a year without explanation.

Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest amount of hot air.

When the sun shineth, make hay.

What kind of sordid business are you on now? I mean, man, whither goest thou? Whither goest thou, America, in thy shiny car in the night?

The real purpose of books is to trap the mind into doing its own thinking.

Already the spirit of our schooling is permeated with the feeling that every subject, every topic, every fact, every professed truth must be submitted to a certain publicity and impartiality. All proffered samples of learning must go to the same ass

Is uniformity attainable? Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned; yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity. What has been the effect of coercio

Gaiety is the most outstanding feature of the Soviet Union.

When alerted to an intrusion by tinkling glass or otherwise, 1) Calm yourself 2) Identify the intruder 3) If hostile, kill him. Step number 3 is of particular importance. If you leave the guy alive out of misguided softheartedness, he will repay y

That Xanthippe's husband should have become so great a philosopher is remarkable. Amid all the scolding, to be able to think! But he could not write: that was impossible. Socrates has not left us a single book.

San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.

The term "fire" brings up visions of violence and mayhem and the ugly scene of shooting employees who make mistakes. We will now refer to this process as "deleting" an employee (much as a file is deleted from a disk). The employee is simply there o

Beggars should be no choosers.

AWAKE! FEAR! FIRE! FOES! AWAKE! FEAR! FIRE! FOES! AWAKE! AWAKE!

Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind the railroad yards."

I realize that the MX missile is none of our concern. I realize that the whole point of living in a democracy is that we pay professional congresspersons to concern themselves with things like the MX missile so we can be free to concern ourselves wi

No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings.

Luck, that's when preparation and opportunity meet.

A public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be too heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which was intended for her preservation.

No Marxist can deny that the interests of socialism are higher than the interests of the right of nations to self-determination.

Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.

Not all who own a harp are harpers.

The Least Successful Executions History has furnished us with two executioners worthy of attention. The first performed in Sydney in Australia. In 1803 three attempts were made to hang a Mr. Joseph Samuels. On the first two of these the rope snap

VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot. This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to

I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a toilet seat.

A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator.

"Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western religion, Rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western science."

"It's a summons." "What's a summons?" "It means summon's in trouble."

It's our fault. We should have given him better parts.

Serfs up!

Ten persons who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent.

When you're in command, command.