I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.

An office party is not, as is sometimes supposed the Managing Director's chance to kiss the tea-girl. It is the tea-girl's chance to kiss the Managing Director (however bizarre an ambition this may seem to anyone who has seen the Managing Director f

With her body, woman is more sincere than man; but with her mind she lies. And when she lies, she does not believe herself.

The only promotion rules I can think of are that a sense of shame is to be avoided at all costs and there is never any reason for a hustler to be less cunning than more virtuous men. Oh yes ... whenever you think you've got something really great, a

Life is like a 10 speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.

Arrakis teaches the attitude of the knife - chopping off what's incomplete and saying: "Now it's complete because it's ended here."

An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest.

If what they've been doing hasn't solved the problem, tell them to do something else.

"I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment."

"Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around, I'd rather lie around. No contest."

Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth gr

Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you awfully comfortable while you're being miserable.

Men's skin is different from women's skin. It is usually bigger, and it has more snakes tattooed on it. Also, if you examine a woman's skin very closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently tracing the slender curve of her cal

Philosophy will clip an angel's wings.

A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around she deserved.

The state of innocence contains the germs of all future sin.

It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure.

A violent man will die a violent death.

Knowledge is power.

Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.

What one fool can do, another can.

"Hey, Sam, how about a loan?" "Whattaya need?" "Oh, about $500." "Whattaya got for collateral?" "Whattaya need?" "How about an eye?"

Faith is under the left nipple.

She applies her lipstick in spite of its contents: "greasy rouge, containing crushed and dried insect corpses for coloring, beeswax for stiffness, and olive oil to help it flow - the latter having the unfortunate tendency to go rancid several hours a

The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because it isn't here.

There seems no plan because it is all plan.

A little bit of rape is good for a man's soul.

"What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?"

One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to represent a creative meeting, and the ratio c

The longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate.

There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary as 'unearned income.'

I just need enough to tide me over until I need more.

There's no such thing as a free lunch.

To lead people, you must follow behind.

Objectivity is to a newspaper what virtue is to a woman.

Let sleeping dogs lie.

Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in.

I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man.

If you live long enough, you'll see that every victory turns into a defeat.

"I'm dying," he croaked. "My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted . "You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized. "That's no beagle, it's a mongrel," she muttered. "The fire is going out," he bellowed. "Bad marksmanship," the h

Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think about sex at all... they become lawyers.

There is a secret person undamaged within every individual.

I just asked myself... what would John DeLorean do?

There must be more to life than having everything.

It is ridiculous to call this an industry. This is not. This is rat eat rat, dog eat dog. I'll kill 'em, and I'm going to kill 'em before they kill me. You're talking about the American way of survival of the fittest.

I hate dying.

He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news.

Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities, requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by tur

God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through.

A woman's a woman until the day she dies, but a man's only a man as long as he can.

"We maintain that the very foundation of our way of life is what we call free enterprise," said Cash McCall, "but when one of our citizens show enough free enterprise to pile up a little of that profit, we do our best to make him feel that he ought t

You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

He that composes himself is wiser than he that composes a book.

I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two highly trained certified public accountants.

Alas, I am dying beyond my means.

A rolling stone gathers no moss.

There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.

Women of genius commonly have masculine faces, figures and manners. In transplanting brains to an alien soil God leaves a little of the original earth clinging to the roots.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

No small art is it to sleep: it is necessary for that purpose to keep awake all day.

The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic devices, such as television sets and VCR's, to the destruction centers, where trained personnel would whack them (the devices) with sledgehammers. With their devices thus permanent

Honesty's the best policy.

Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.

If we see the light at the end of the tunnel, it's the light of an oncoming train.

An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition.

I paid a visit to my local precinct in Greenwich Village and asked a sergeant to show me some rape statistics. He politely obliged. That month there had been thirty-five rape complaints, an advance of ten over the same month for the previous year.

It is bad luck to be superstitious.

When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff.

Exxon's 'Universe of Energy' tends to the peculiar rather than the humorous ... After [an incomprehensible film montage about wind and sun and rain and strip mines and] two or three minutes of mechanical confusion, the seats locomote through a short

Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to examine the laws of heat.

Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake?

IF I HAD A MINE SHAFT, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way.

As failures go, attempting to recall the past is like trying to grasp the meaning of existence. Both make one feel like a baby clutching at a basketball: one's palms keep sliding off.

Beauty is one of the rare things which does not lead to doubt of God.

Honesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty.

Certainly the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win.

A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.

per year.

The first rule of all intelligent tinkering is to keep all the parts.

Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge.

If the ends don't justify the means, then what does?

God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.

So little time, so little to do.

With all the talent around, it's sort of amazing that a woman could be up here with us.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

Never buy what you do not want because it is cheap; it will be dear to you.

The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the number of participants.

A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator.

Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done.

The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be able to correct them.

Men will fuck mud.

Turn the other cheek.

Mankind is poised midway between the gods and the beasts.

"We're not talking about the same thing," he said. "For you the world is weird because if you're not bored with it you're at odds with it. For me the world is weird because it is stupendous, awesome, mysterious, unfathomable; my interest has been to

Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.