For myself, I can only say that I am astonished and somewhat terrified at the results of this evening's experiments. Astonished at the wonderful power you have developed, and terrified at the thought that so much hideous and bad music may be put on

I went into the business for the money, and the art grew out of it. If people are disillusioned by that remark, I can't help it. It's the truth.

The final delusion is the belief that one has lost all delusions.

If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, it might well prolong his life.

Crime does not pay ... as well as politics.

We should have a great many fewer disputes in the world if only words were taken for what they are, the signs of our ideas only, and not for things themselves.

It is not enough that I should succeed. Others must fail.

In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.

Optimism is the content of small men in high places.

Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamp-post how it feels about dogs.

Confucius say too much.

Coincidences are spiritual puns.

October 12, the Discovery. It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.

Praise the sea; on shore remain.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. My advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the whole field to private industry.

A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.

The Anglo-Saxon conscience does not prevent the Anglo-Saxon from sinning, it merely prevents him from enjoying his sin.

If God is One, what is bad?

Don't vote

Money doesn't talk, it swears.

If you aren't rich you should always look useful.

I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men

The nearer to the church, the further from God.

I might have gone to West Point, but I was too proud to speak to a congressman.

Education is what survives when what has been learnt has been forgotten.

The faster we go, the rounder we get.

The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine we own.

Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength. War is peace.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

The life which is unexamined is not worth living.

Theology is an attempt to explain a subject by men who do not understand it. The intent is not to tell the truth but to satisfy the questioner.

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.

So you think that money is the root of all evil. Have you ever asked what is the root of money?

The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president? What is it about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television, that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of industrial waste?

New Jersey is not the armpit of the nation; it's the asshole of the universe.

The Puritan hated bear-baiting, not because it gave pain to the bear, but because it gave pleasure to the spectators.

The whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively.

I think the world is run by C students.

Briefly stated, the findings are that when presented with an array of data or a sequence of events in which they are instructed to discover an underlying order, subjects show strong tendencies to perceive order and causality in random arrays, to perc

It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.

The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun.

"What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?"

Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody.

"I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed. Oh, I know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people I don't know yet

Never promise more than you can perform.

The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly important thing to people.

I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to sacrifice my wife's brother.

Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade themselves that they have a better idea.

I used to be a rebel in my youth. This cause... that cause... (chuckle) I backed 'em ALL! But I learned. Rebellion is simply a device used by the immature to hide from his own problems. So I lost interest in politics. Now when I feel aroused by

It's easier to take it apart than to put it back together.

It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim of infanticide.

The most common given name in the world is Mohammad; the most common family name in the world is Chang. Can you imagine the enormous number of people in the world named Mohammad Chang?

Never trust an automatic pistol or a D.A.'s deal.

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back the when it begins to rain.

We tried to close Ohio's borders and ran into a Constitutional problem. There's a provision in the Constitution that says you can't close your borders to interstate commerce, and garbage is a form of interstate commerce.

Power tends to corrupt, absolute power corrupts absolutely.

If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.

No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the Continent, a part of the maine; if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea, Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne we

Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.

Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.

The adjective is the banana peel of the parts of speech.

"I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path."

"In Christianity neither morality nor religion come into contact with reality at any point."

Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and long were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his pain and his aloneness without regret?

If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.

Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words since I first called my brother's father dad.

Writing is turning one's worst moments into money.

It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is?

You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove.

Only those who leisurely approach that which the masses are busy about can be busy about that which the masses take leisurely.

There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.

We'll be recording at the Paradise Friday night. Live, on the Death label.

If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.

The public is an old woman. Let her maunder and mumble.

He who knows others is wise. He who knows himself is enlightened.

She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.

He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry attacks democracy itself.

Business will be either better or worse.

It's always darkest just before the lights go out.

Go to the Scriptures... the joyful promises it contains will be a balsam to all your troubles.

If it were thought that anything I wrote was influenced by Robert Frost, I would take that particular work of mine, shred it, and flush it down the toilet, hoping not to clog the pipes. A more sententious, holding- forth old bore who expected every

My only love sprung from my only hate! Too early seen unknown, and known too late!

Show business is just like high school, except you get paid.

It is ridiculous to call this an industry. This is not. This is rat eat rat, dog eat dog. I'll kill 'em, and I'm going to kill 'em before they kill me. You're talking about the American way of survival of the fittest.

The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak.

Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even worse.

Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other forms that have been tried from time to time.

I'd just as soon kiss a Wookie.

When alerted to an intrusion by tinkling glass or otherwise, 1) Calm yourself 2) Identify the intruder 3) If hostile, kill him. Step number 3 is of particular importance. If you leave the guy alive out of misguided softheartedness, he will repay y

Practice is the best of all instructors.

The trouble is, there is an endless supply of White Men, but there has always been a limited number of Human Beings.

At ebb tide I wrote a line upon the sand, and gave it all my heart and all my soul. At flood tide I returned to read what I had inscribed and found my ignorance upon the shore.

A good reputation is more valuable than money.

If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could work for with a great deal of enjoyment.