Littering is dumb.

Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest r

Coincidences are spiritual puns.

He that is giddy thinks the world turns round.

The ripest fruit falls first.

I have had my television aerials removed. It's the moral equivalent of a prostate operation.

Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait. [If youth but knew, if old age but could.]

There is no sin but ignorance.

If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism.

The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish to be addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified. But it is equally important to accept and tolerate different standards of courtesy, not expecting everyone else to ad

Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away?

I used to be disgusted, now I find I'm just amused.

If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it around. Trouble creates a capacity to handle it. I don't say embrace trouble; that's as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say meet it as a friend, for you'll see a lot of it and y

Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long.

Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future.

The true Southern watermelon is a boon apart, and not to be mentioned with commoner things. It is chief of the world's luxuries, king by the grace of God over all the fruits of the earth. When one has tasted it, he knows what the angels eat. It wa

If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, it might well prolong his life.

Peace cannot be kept by force; it can only be achieved by understanding.

"They make a desert and call it peace."

With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time they make a law it's a joke.

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.

The Crown is full of it!

Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic table.

Never trust an automatic pistol or a D.A.'s deal.

You get what you pay for.

I just asked myself... what would John DeLorean do?

Who dat who say "who dat" when I say "who dat"?

We're only in it for the volume.

It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a sentence to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate in all times and situations. They presented him the words: "And this, too, shall pass away."

Tempt not a desperate man.

The Least Perceptive Literary Critic The most important critic in our field of study is Lord Halifax. A most individual judge of poetry, he once invited Alexander Pope round to give a public reading of his latest poem. Pope, the leading poet of h

The ideal voice for radio may be defined as showing no substance, no sex, no owner, and a message of importance for every housewife.

The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.

Fourteen years in the professor dodge has taught me that one can argue ingeniously on behalf of any theory, applied to any piece of literature. This is rarely harmful, because normally no-one reads such essays.

Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.

It took a while to surface, but it appears that a long-distance credit card may have saved a U.S. Army unit from heavy casualties during the Grenada military rescue/invasion. Major General David Nichols, Air Force ... said the Army unit was in a hous

The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.

Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously; and do not take what happens either to yourself or your work seriously.

An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest.

When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff.

Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be surprised at how little you have.

With all the talent around, it's sort of amazing that a woman could be up here with us.

He is now rising from affluence to poverty.

The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars."

Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the world is love. The poor know that it is money.

There's no justice in this world.

The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to do what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with them while they do it.

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

Brahma said: Well, after hearing ten thousand explanations, a fool is no wiser. But an intelligent man needs only two thousand five hundred.

The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist knows it.

There seems no plan because it is all plan.

XLI: The more one produces, the less one gets. XLII: Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite testing. XLIII: Hardware works best when it matters the least. XLIV: Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a we

Well, the handwriting is on the floor.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it's just the opposite.

BS: You remind me of a man. B: What man? BS: The man with the power. B: What power? BS: The power of voodoo. B: Voodoo? BS: You do. B: Do what? BS: Remind me of a man. B: What man? BS: The man with the power...

A sequel is an admission that you've been reduced to imitating yourself.

Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish.

Perhaps the remembrance of these things will prove a source of future pleasure.

I knew her before she was a virgin.

It's a recession when your neighbour loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours.

"I understand this is your first dead client," Sabian was saying. The absurdity of the statement made me want to laugh but they don't call me Deadpan Allie and lie.

There is perhaps in every thing of any consequence, secret history, which it would be amusing to know, could we have it authentically communicated.

Home is where the hurt is.

You mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond the obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason, and an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you.

America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up.

Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.

Satire is tragedy plus time.

Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to exactly the point of most pressure.

Hard reality has a way of cramping your style.

Another day, another dollar.

Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground

If you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that's read by persons who move their lips when the're reading to themselves.

What is the robbing of a bank compared to the founding of a bank?

To restore a sense of reality, I think Walt Disney should have a Hardluckland.

[He] took me into his library and showed me his books, of which he had a complete set.

The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak.

In spite of everything, I still believe that people are good at heart.

Indeed, the first noble truth of Buddhism, usually translated as `all life is suffering,' is more accurately rendered `life is filled with a sense of pervasive unsatisfactoriness.'

If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly.

It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do.

With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time they make a law it's a joke.

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.

Awash with unfocused desire, Everett twisted the lobe of his one remaining ear and felt the presence of somebody else behind him, which caused terror to push through his nervous system like a flash flood roaring down the mid-fork of the Feather River

I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education.

[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity: (1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a

No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.

One man's Mede is another man's Persian.

No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings.

We have nowhere else to go... this is all we have.

"Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence"

A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!

What is good? Everything that heightens the feeling of power in man, the will to power, power itself. What is bad? Everything that is born of weakness. Not contentedness but more power; not peace but war; not virtue but fitness. The weak and the