He that teaches himself has a fool for a master.

Ninety percent of everything is crap.

If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry.

Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.

Mr. Salter's side of the conversation was limited to expressions of assent. When Lord Copper was right he said "Definitely, Lord Copper"; when he was wrong, "Up to a point." "Let me see, what's the name of the place I mean? Capital of Japan? Yokoh

What an author likes to write most is his signature on the back of a cheque.

One good turn deserves another.

A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.

I used to be disgusted, now I find I'm just amused.

Mandrell: "You know what I think?" Doctor: "Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you don't think, right?"

Just because you like my stuff doesn't mean I owe you anything.

question = ( to ) ? be : ! be;

There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit at a typewriter and open a vein.

Art is a jealous mistress.

Ain't no right way to do a wrong thing.

Wishing without work is like fishing without bait.

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.

France is a country where the money falls apart and you can't tear the toilet paper.

You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove.

Instead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better.

The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late and owns the worm farm.

What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.

If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, it might well prolong his life.

I just got off the phone with Sonny Barger [President of the Hell's Angels]. He wants me to appear as a character witness for him at his murder trial and said he'd be glad to appear as a character witness on my behalf if I ever needed one. Needless

"We maintain that the very foundation of our way of life is what we call free enterprise," said Cash McCall, "but when one of our citizens show enough free enterprise to pile up a little of that profit, we do our best to make him feel that he ought t

Don't guess

The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of management is that success equals skill.

Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money.

We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm.

Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.

No-one would remember the Good Samaritan if he had only had good intentions. He had money as well.

The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, "How's the President?"

Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.

I didn't do it! Nobody saw me do it! Can't prove anything!

America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than we deserve.

[Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable.

The Worst Prison Guards The largest number of convicts ever to escape simultaneously from a maximum security prison is 124. This record is held by Alcoente Prison, near Lisbon in Portugal. During the weeks leading up to the escape in July 1978 th

REPORTER: Senator, are you for or against the MX missile system? SENATOR: Bob, the MX missile system reminds me of an old saying that the country folk in my state like to say. It goes like this: "You can carry a pig for six miles, but if you set i

Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away someone else's cash.

If society fits you comfortably enough, you call it freedom.

Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy.

Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.

According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could beat up their

For every bloke who makes his mark, there's half a dozen waiting to rub it out.

Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.

You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.

Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations Various signs in Poland: Right turn toward immediate outside. Go soothingly in the snow, as there lurk the ski demons. Five o'clock tea at all hours. In a men's washroom in Sidney:

If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.

You k'n hide de fier, but w'at you gwine do wid de smoke?

We tried to close Ohio's borders and ran into a Constitutional problem. There's a provision in the Constitution that says you can't close your borders to interstate commerce, and garbage is a form of interstate commerce.

It's not easy, being green.

Scrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the Presidency.

We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to socialism, because socialism is defunct. It dies all by itself. The bad thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say socialism?

TV is chewing gum for the eyes.

If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him. They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun of it.

Immature poets imitate, mature poets steal.

Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock.

It were not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion that makes horse-races.

San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.

The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the number of participants.

Man is by nature a political animal.

Dear Ann Landers: My husband watches the TV preachers every Sunday. He claims one minister said there are 350 different sins. My husband wants to know if you can get the list. He thinks he is missing something.

I don't see what's wrong with giving Bobby a little experience before he starts to practice law.

Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.

The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey.

Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.

Mankind is poised midway between the gods and the beasts.

Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.

There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an opinion.

Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of government, therefore,

Liberals are the first to dump you if you con them or get into trouble. Conservatives are better. They never run out on you.

Authors (and perhaps columnists) eventually rise to the top of whatever depths they were once able to plumb.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

The health of a democratic society may be measured by the quality of functions performed by private citizens.

The public is an old woman. Let her maunder and mumble.

When I first arrived in this country I had only fifteen cents in my pocket and a willingness to compromise.

The whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively.

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.

Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest amount of hot air.

The hater of property and of government takes care to have his warranty deed recorded, and the book written against fame and learning has the author's name on the title page.

Who does not trust enough will not be trusted.

When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary.

One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say.

"You little (such a one who, while wearing a copper nose ring, stands in a footbath atop Mount Raruaruaha during a heavy thunderstorm and shouts that Alohura, Goddess of Lightning, has the facial features of a diseased uloruaha root)!"

[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity: (1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.

"To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition."

Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away someone else's cash.

The ultimate game show will be the one where somebody gets killed at the end.

A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator.

Everything is possible. Pass the word.

"Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends."