"What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?"

Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.

Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher. The butcher is weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and weeks. He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists, but he sings about his gin

Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it.

Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.

The more the merrier.

Exxon's 'Universe of Energy' tends to the peculiar rather than the humorous ... After [an incomprehensible film montage about wind and sun and rain and strip mines and] two or three minutes of mechanical confusion, the seats locomote through a short

Men ought to know that from the brain and from the brain only arise our pleasures, joys, laughter, and jests as well as our sorrows, pains, griefs and tears. ... It is the same thing which makes us mad or delirious, inspires us with dread and fear,

Real wealth can only increase.

Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away someone else's cash.

Competitive fury is not always anger. It is the true missionary's courage and zeal in facing the possibility that one's best may not be enough.

Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to exactly the point of most pressure.

Well, I'm disenchanted too. We're all disenchanted.

The problem that we thought was a problem was, indeed, a problem, but not the problem we thought was the problem.

"If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination."

"I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia, I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun."

One learns to itch where one can scratch.

Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.

Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a muddle of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can make of capitalism.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done.

A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.

No one so thoroughly appreciates the value of constructive criticism as the one who's giving it.

It is a lesson which all history teaches wise men, to put trust in ideas, and not in circumstances.

If God is One, what is bad?

A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time of trouble.

IF I HAD A MINE SHAFT, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way.

It is not the critic who counts, or how the strong man stumbled, or whether the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives vali

Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine.

An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.

"It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country. The Greeks never said it was sweet to die for anything. They had no vital lies."

Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away?

War spares not the brave, but the cowardly.

Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much better.

The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go to erase it.

I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the whole field to private industry.

"Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in exchange for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday. Mannis feels he must devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might emanate from a recent statement he made compar

I have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per cent an idiot.

Instead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better.

Mundus vult decipi decipiatur ergo.

Out of sight is out of mind.

Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves.

I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.

Never laugh at live dragons.

There appears to be irrefutable evidence that the mere fact of overcrowding induces violence.

Americans' greatest fear is that America will turn out to have been a phenomenon, not a civilization.

What an author likes to write most is his signature on the back of a cheque.

There is an innocence in admiration; it is found in those to whom it has not yet occurred that they, too, might be admired some day.

"Necessity is the mother of invention" is a silly proverb. "Necessity is the mother of futile dodges" is much nearer the truth.

Darth Vader! Only you would be so bold!

TO THOSE OF YOU WHO DESIRE IT, I GRANT YOU MADRAK'S BLESSING: Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you may have done or failed to do which requires for

Audacity, and again, audacity, and always audacity.

It's always darkest just before the lights go out.

There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Pope.

Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.

It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either.

Illusion is the first of all pleasures.

AWAKE! FEAR! FIRE! FOES! AWAKE! FEAR! FIRE! FOES! AWAKE! AWAKE!

Practical politics consists in ignoring facts.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

We all live under the same sky, but we don't all have the same horizon.

By the middle 1880's, practically all the roads except those in the South, were of the present standard gauge. The southern roads were still five feet between rails. It was decided to change the gauge of all southern roads to standard, in one day

I am just a nice, clean-cut Mongolian boy.

Chance is perhaps the work of God when He did not want to sign.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy.

"We maintain that the very foundation of our way of life is what we call free enterprise," said Cash McCall, "but when one of our citizens show enough free enterprise to pile up a little of that profit, we do our best to make him feel that he ought t

The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.

We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves.

Something's rotten in the state of Denmark.

"What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you didn't believe in God." "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's not the mean and stupid Go

The distinction between true and false appears to become increasingly blurred by... the pollution of the language.

A highly intelligent man should take a primitive woman. Imagine if on top of everything else, I had a woman who interfered with my work.

XXVI: If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed on each other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to chance. XXVII: Rank does not intimidate hardware. Neither does the lack of rank. XXVIII: It is better to be the r

Execute every act of thy life as though it were thy last.

He thinks the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived.

A dead man cannot bite.

If you don't count some of Jehovah's injunctions, there are no humorists in the Bible.

When alerted to an intrusion by tinkling glass or otherwise, 1) Calm yourself 2) Identify the intruder 3) If hostile, kill him. Step number 3 is of particular importance. If you leave the guy alive out of misguided softheartedness, he will repay y

Men are superior to women.

Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not spending money alone. It is spending t

Were there no women, men might live like gods.

We have lingered long enough on the shores of the Cosmic Ocean.

Last guys don't finish nice.

The white race is the cancer of history.

If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.

If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in James Watt's office.

If we see the light at the end of the tunnel, it's the light of an oncoming train.

Men will fuck mud.

And tomorrow will be like today, only more so.

Your chances of getting hit by lightning go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and say, "Storms suck!"

Divorce is a game played by lawyers.

If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, it might well prolong his life.

You're always thinking you're gonna be the one that makes 'em act different.

We Americans, we're a simple people... but piss us off, and we'll bomb your cities.