When I first arrived in this country I had only fifteen cents in my pocket and a willingness to compromise.

The streets were dark with something more than night.

One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody's listening.

Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform.

All of us should treasure his Oriental wisdom and his preaching of a Zen-like detachment, as exemplified by his constant reminder to clerks, tellers, or others who grew excited by his presence in their banks: "Just lie down on the floor and keep calm

A myth is a religion in which no-one any longer believes.

Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist drivel; Star Trek can turn your brains to puree of bat guano; and the greatest science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll take you all on, one-by-one or all in a bunc

"Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him."

Rome was not built in one day.

A national debt, if it is not excessive, will be to us a national blessing.

Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere. Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group. Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA. The remainder is thrown out. Republicans usu

Political history is far too criminal a subject to be a fit thing to teach children.

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.

When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.

He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.

Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not, when a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and apparently incoherent songs. I was myself within the circle, so that I neither saw nor heard as those without might

If the Nazis had television with satellite technology, we'd all be goose-stepping. Americans are just as suggestible.

Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods.

Mankind is poised midway between the gods and the beasts.

Black people have never rioted. A riot is what white people think blacks are involved in when they burn stores.

Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have.

A man's house is his castle.

I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and I wasn't tempted to buy

Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy.

Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.

The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one.

One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.

"I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment."

Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these.

A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.

I found Rome a city of bricks and left it a city of marble.

The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling their way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from the other, whom he assumes to have perfect vision. Each tends to ascribe to the other side a consistency, fors

No guest is so welcome in a friend's house that he will not become a nuisance after three days.

Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.

We are all born mad. Some remain so.

A rolling stone gathers no moss.

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.

Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city until about his 35th year, when he became a Christian. [...] To him is ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia

One good turn deserves another.

There is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty. "When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend."

That government is best which governs least.

Sic transit gloria mundi. [So passes away the glory of this world.]

Heaven and earth were created all together in the same instant, on October 23rd, 4004 B.C. at nine o'clock in the morning.

Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum, sodomy and the lash.

Catharsis is something I associate with pornography and crossword puzzles.

A morgue is a morgue is a morgue. They can paint the walls with aggressively cheerful primary colors and splashy bold graphics, but it's still a holding place for the dead until they can be parted out to organ banks. Not that I would have cared nor

Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education is what you get when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't.

Patience is the best remedy for every trouble.

Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying as an income tax refund.

Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.

You know it's Monday when you wake up and it's Tuesday.

The only certainty is that nothing is certain.

There are two kinds of fool. One says, "This is old, and therefore good." And one says, "This is new, and therefore better"

Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original and the part that is original is not good.

I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men

We all live in a state of ambitious poverty.

There is always one thing to remember: writers are always selling somebody out.

Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.

A good scapegoat is hard to find. A guilty conscience is the mother of invention.

God shows his contempt for wealth by the kind of person he selects to receive it.

Time as he grows old teaches all things.

Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.

Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire rainbow of legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better than he does. As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about it. I am told that he appears to be strong and

If any demonstrator ever lays down in front of my car, it'll be the last car he ever lays down in front of.

There is no cure for birth and death other than to enjoy the interval.

If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads.

A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the damned things is ample.

Our sires' age was worse that our grandsires'. We their sons are more worthless than they: so in our turn we shall give the world a progeny yet more corrupt.

Going into politics is as fatal to a gentleman as going into a bordello is fatal to a virgin.

If you do not wish a man to do a thing, you had better get him to talk about it; for the more men talk, the more likely they are to do nothing else.

This is the first age that's paid much attention to the future, which is a little ironic since we may not have one.

If your happiness depends on what somebody else does, I guess you do have a problem.

The primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO" represents the secondary theme: Law Enforcement Officials The overall theme of SoupCon shall be: Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials

At twenty-six, Kate, though not promiscuous, had slept with most of the decent men in public life.

The Almighty in His infinite wisdom did not see fit to create Frenchmen in the image of Englishmen.

If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce.

Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.

We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to socialism, because socialism is defunct. It dies all by itself. The bad thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say socialism?

I always say beauty is only sin deep.

Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson Bay, left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. Using a bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and great effort pushing boulders into a single

Column 1 Column 2 Column 3 0. integrated 0. management 0. options 1. total 1. organizational 1. flexibility 2. systematized 2. monitored 2. capability 3. parallel 3. reciprocal 3. mobility 4. functional 4. digital 4. programming 5. re

Princeton's taste is sweet like a strawberry tart. Harvard's is a subtle taste, like whiskey, coffee, or tobacco. It may even be a bad habit, for all I know.

Prizes are for children.

In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty lashes with the cat or the dog,

There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the existence of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any marginally competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat engine and make some other part of hell

Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this: that you are dreadfully like other people.

I recognize terror as the finest emotion and so I will try to terrorize the reader. But if I find that I cannot terrify, I will try to horrify, and if I find that I cannot horrify, I'll go for the gross-out.

According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could beat up their

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.

In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.

Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental Anguish. You would sue: * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions

Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else; this is not advice, it is merely custom.