The rights and interests of the laboring man will be protected and cared for not by our labor agitators, but by the Christian men to whom God in his infinite wisdom has given control of property interests of the country, and upon the successful manag

It is bad luck to be superstitious.

There are people who find it odd to eat four or five Chinese meals in a row; in China, I often remind them, there are a billion or so people who find nothing odd about it.

Bingo, gas station, hamburger with a side order of airplane noise, and you'll be Gary, Indiana.

One thing I have no worry about is whether God exists. But it has occurred to me that God has Alzheimer's and has forgotten we exist.

What excuses stand in your way? How can you eliminate them?

Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits.

A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!

You never have to change anything you got up in the middle of the night to write.

Mundus vult decipi decipiatur ergo.

There is nothing so easy but that it becomes difficult when you do it reluctantly.

The real purpose of books is to trap the mind into doing its own thinking.

If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism.

Look ere ye leap.

The world has many unintentionally cruel mechanisms that are not designed for people who walk on their hands.

Dear Ann Landers: My husband watches the TV preachers every Sunday. He claims one minister said there are 350 different sins. My husband wants to know if you can get the list. He thinks he is missing something.

Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away?

Its name is Public Opinion. It is held in reverence. It settles everything. Some think it is the voice of God.

It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim of infanticide.

Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.

You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.

Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it.

I just asked myself... what would John DeLorean do?

You can never do just one thing.

Lay on, MacDuff, and curs'd be him who first cries, "Hold, enough!".

Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and everything else follows in the same way.

The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.

You don't move to Edina, you achieve Edina.

What kind of sordid business are you on now? I mean, man, whither goest thou? Whither goest thou, America, in thy shiny car in the night?

Illusion is the first of all pleasures.

Life is like a 10 speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.

I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual becoming, with a goal in front and not behin

Kindness is the beginning of cruelty.

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.

Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his followers. One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She

If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.

A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator.

The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.

Everything is possible. Pass the word.

In regards to Oral Roberts' claim that God told him that he would die unless he received $20 million by March, God's lawyers have stated that their client has not spoken with Roberts for several years. Off the record, God has stated that "If I had w

Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich and powerful know that he is.

Once I belonged to a group that really had THE WORD. I fought like hell for them. But another group came along and exposed the word of my group as shallow and degenerate. They had a better word. So I quit the first group and lost all the friends

[Maturity consists in the discovery that] there comes a critical moment where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand more and more that there is something which cannot be understood.

The true Southern watermelon is a boon apart, and not to be mentioned with commoner things. It is chief of the world's luxuries, king by the grace of God over all the fruits of the earth. When one has tasted it, he knows what the angels eat. It wa

It doesn't matter whether you win or lose

Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.

The price of success in philosophy is triviality.

Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it.

Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe? Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business signs to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a word, as in: WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHEC

I never cheated an honest man, only rascals. They wanted something for nothing. I gave them nothing for something.

The Worst Jury A murder trial at Manitoba in February 1978 was well advanced, when one juror revealed that he was completely deaf and did not have the remotest clue what was happening. The judge, Mr. Justice Solomon, asked him if he had heard any

God is Dead.

Life is the living you do, Death is the living you don't do.

"It don't matter, Sail, ... Could be worse. The fam'ly might be donatin' the proceeds to the Cath'lic Church, or the Mormons or somethin'. One cult's the same another."

I'd just as soon kiss a Wookie.

The Israelis are the Doberman pinschers of the Middle East. They treat the Arabs like postmen.

It's always darkest just before the lights go out.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.

When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when your boss is away and you get twice as much done.

The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist "Jack."

Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.

Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.

Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.

Why be a man when you can be a success?

As to the Adjective: when in doubt, strike it out.

For thee the wonder-working earth puts forth sweet flowers.

None love the bearer of bad news.

Education and religion are two things not regulated by supply and demand. The less of either the people have, the less they want.

Your wig steers the gig.

Hard reality has a way of cramping your style.

A hundred years from now it is very likely that [of Twain's works] "The Jumping Frog" alone will be remembered.

XXI: It's easy to get a loan unless you need it. XXII: If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock, not selling advice. XXIII: Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is currently estimated. XXIV:

Gratitude and treachery are merely the two extremities of the same procession. You have seen all of it that is worth staying for when the band and the gaudy officials have gone by.

"It's kind of fun to do the impossible."

There's no justice in this world.

"Plaese porrf raed."

Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to examine the laws of heat.

The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie.

When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the thing," it's the money.

He who has the courage to laugh is almost as much a master of the world as he who is ready to die.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be able to correct them.

A drama critic is a person who surprises a playwright by informing him what he meant.

There's no such thing as a free lunch.

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.

I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said, "What'll you have, Bud"? I said," I don't know, surprise me". So he showed me a nude picture of my wife.

There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.

You can observe a lot just by watching.

An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest.

How apt the poor are to be proud.

Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground