In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.

"I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?"

A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion.

In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred thousand miles long ... se

A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.

Whenever anyone says, "theoretically," they really mean, "not really."

Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.

If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.

"Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever

"The jig's up, Elman." "Which jig?"

If one inquires why the American tradition is so strong against any connection of State and Church, why it dreads even the rudiments of religious teaching in state-maintained schools, the immediate and superficial answer is not far to seek. ... The

I am a man: nothing human is alien to me.

It's easier to take it apart than to put it back together.

When in doubt, tell the truth.

Put a rogue in the limelight and he will act like an honest man.

Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to examine the laws of heat.

Majorities, of course, start with minorities.

If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, it might well prolong his life.

The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time. The terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of consistency.

The fact that it works is immaterial.

We have art that we do not die of the truth.

With women, I've got a long bamboo pole with a leather loop on the end of it. I slip the loop around their necks so they can't get away or come too close. Like catching snakes.

If it doesn't smell yet, it's pretty fresh.

"It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country. The Greeks never said it was sweet to die for anything. They had no vital lies."

There is perhaps in every thing of any consequence, secret history, which it would be amusing to know, could we have it authentically communicated.

Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak!

When in doubt, have a man come through the door with a gun in his hand.

In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.

Swerve me? The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails, whereon my soul is grooved to run. Over unsounded gorges, through the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly I rush!

Were there no women, men might live like gods.

You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred.

"Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong."

The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.

There are many of us in this old world of ours who hold that things break about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get about the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summer and the poor get it in the winter.

Before you ask more questions, think about whether you really want to know the answers.

As to the Adjective: when in doubt, strike it out.

There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need the money; the second that you have something to say that you think the world should know; the third is that you can't think what to do with the long winter evenings.

A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.

The distinction between Freedom and Liberty is not accurately known; naturalists have been unable to find a living specimen of either.

If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Mr. Salter's side of the conversation was limited to expressions of assent. When Lord Copper was right he said "Definitely, Lord Copper"; when he was wrong, "Up to a point." "Let me see, what's the name of the place I mean? Capital of Japan? Yokoh

I hold it, that a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing...

The only certainty is that nothing is certain.

Do not seek death; death will find you. But seek the road which makes death a fulfillment.

History shows that the human mind, fed by constant accessions of knowledge, periodically grows too large for its theoretical coverings, and bursts them asunder to appear in new habiliments, as the feeding and growing grub, at intervals, casts its too

I am just a nice, clean-cut Mongolian boy.

I know not how I came into this, shall I call it a dying life or a living death?

We should realize that a city is better off with bad laws, so long as they remain fixed, then with good laws that are constantly being altered, that the lack of learning combined with sound common sense is more helpful than the kind of cleverness th

When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff.

If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world.

Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done.

Every country has the government it deserves.

"Spare no expense to save money on this one."

Armenians and Azerbaijanis in Stepanakert, capital of the Nagorno-Karabakh autonomous region, rioted over much needed spelling reform in the Soviet Union.

Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than we deserve.

... before I could come to any conclusion it occurred to me that my speech or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility. What did it matter what anyone knew or ignored? What did it matter who was manager? One gets sometimes s

I knew her before she was a virgin.

We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm.

When the sun shineth, make hay.

Do not use that foreign word "ideals". We have that excellent native word "lies".

You don't move to Edina, you achieve Edina.

"I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed. Oh, I know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people I don't know yet

If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly.

A group of politicians deciding to dump a President because his morals are bad is like the Mafia getting together to bump off the Godfather for not going to church on Sunday.

The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power.

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Practice yourself what you preach.

It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.

Among all savage beasts, none is found so harmful as woman.

Forgive and forget.

If we don't survive, we don't do anything else.

He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news.

Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant.

The pollution's at that awkward stage. Too thick to navigate and too thin to cultivate.

The English instinctively admire any man who has no talent and is modest about it.

Philosophy will clip an angel's wings.

When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship.

Your wig steers the gig.

Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used.

Sensible and responsible women do not want to vote.

Thou hast seen nothing yet.

Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in.

There is always something new out of Africa.

He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue.

A witty saying proves nothing.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.

The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate knowledge of its ugly side.

Ignorance is never out of style. It was in fashion yesterday, it is the rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow.

Plastic... Aluminum... These are the inheritors of the Universe! Flesh and Blood have had their day... and that day is past!

If a guru falls in the forest with no one to hear him, was he really a guru at all?

When you're in command, command.

The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves.

One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned at the stake while the votes were being counted.