"I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment."

Sensible and responsible women do not want to vote.

Someday, Weederman, we'll look back on all this and laugh... It will probably be one of those deep, eerie ones that slowly builds to a blood-curdling maniacal scream... but still it will be a laugh.

Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in.

Luck, that's when preparation and opportunity meet.

Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near the earth's surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people to do so.

Aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star.

The more the merrier.

Never look a gift horse in the mouth.

Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.

The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning, and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished.

Instead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better.

Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.

Let sleeping dogs lie.

Plus ,ca change, plus c'est la m^eme chose. [The more things change, the more they remain the same.]

A dream will always triumph over reality, once it is given the chance.

Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they would. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect that much.

Mundus vult decipi decipiatur ergo.

We were so poor we couldn't afford a watchdog. If we heard a noise at night, we'd bark ourselves.

Take what you can use and let the rest go by.

Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait. [If youth but knew, if old age but could.]

Brahma said: Well, after hearing ten thousand explanations, a fool is no wiser. But an intelligent man needs only two thousand five hundred.

There is no comfort without pain; thus we define salvation through suffering.

When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff.

Nothing endures but change.

Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting.

It is only the man whose intellect is clouded by his sexual impulse that could give the name of the fair sex to that undersized, narrow-shouldered, broad-hipped, and short-legged race.

If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism.

Kindness is the beginning of cruelty.

The world wants to be deceived.

When eating an elephant take one bite at a time.

Honesty's the best policy.

I am a man: nothing human is alien to me.

A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.

When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.

It is annoying to be honest to no purpose.

When the ax entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us!"

Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.

Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.

Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.

Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances.

"MOKE DAT YIGARETTE"

I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.

What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence.

Work Hard. Rock Hard. Eat Hard. Sleep Hard. Grow Big. Wear Glasses If You Need 'Em.

The faster I go, the behinder I get.

We're all in this alone.

Scratch the average female and you'll find a purring bundle... at the ready to love and honor, bake a torte and still produce quintuplets.

What one believes to be true either is true or becomes true.

The great question that has never been answered and which I have not yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul is: WHAT DOES A WOMAN WANT?

Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.

The error of youth is to believe that intelligence is a substitute for experience, while the error of age is to believe experience is a substitute for intelligence.

The only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane.

Since everything in life is but an experience perfect in being what it is, having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well burst out in laughter.

Walking on water wasn't built in a day.

The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.

No good deed goes unpunished.

If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we would all be millionaires.

With women, I've got a long bamboo pole with a leather loop on the end of it. I slip the loop around their necks so they can't get away or come too close. Like catching snakes.

"You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten."

Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored.

A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks.

Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little more time for dreaming.

No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the Continent, a part of the maine; if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea, Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne we

There's nothing worse for your business than extra Santa Clauses smoking in the men's room.

Just remember, wherever you go, there you are.

The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate knowledge of its ugly side.

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort of like a shell leaving the nut behind.

The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes.

May you live in uninteresting times.

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.

Indeed, the first noble truth of Buddhism, usually translated as `all life is suffering,' is more accurately rendered `life is filled with a sense of pervasive unsatisfactoriness.'

Faith is under the left nipple.

The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly important thing to people.

Life is the living you do, Death is the living you don't do.

Our business in life is not to succeed but to continue to fail in high spirits.

Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant.

Execute every act of thy life as though it were thy last.

A man is known by the company he organizes.

There is no fool to the old fool.

Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement.

No is no negative in a woman's mouth.

There is a good deal of solemn cant about the common interests of capital and labour. As matters stand, their only common interest is that of cutting each other's throat.

Love may laugh at locksmiths, but he has a profound respect for money bags.

Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it.

Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you will pay only the station-to-station rate.

The coast was clear.

It is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have to do, that makes life blessed.

The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go to erase it.

Illusion is the first of all pleasures.

When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.

What!? Me worry?

He that bringeth a present, findeth the door open.