Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much better.

Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich and powerful know that he is.

When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when your boss is away and you get twice as much done.

A game can by God repent or we'll punish it. That's how they did it in Salem in the seventeenth century, and that's how we'll do it now.

Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas" until you are told that those rooms are "punched out." Once punched out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such.

Men's skin is different from women's skin. It is usually bigger, and it has more snakes tattooed on it. Also, if you examine a woman's skin very closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently tracing the slender curve of her cal

Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you will pay only the station-to-station rate.

There's no such thing as a free lunch.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

A man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles in the road.

All men know the utility of useful things; but they do not know the utility of futility.

Yet creeds mean very little, Coth answered the dark god, still speaking almost gently. The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.

Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.

Nothing will ever be attempted if all possible objections must be first overcome.

If the ends don't justify the means, then what does?

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.

per year.

The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go to erase it.

Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves.

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.

In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence ... in time every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is incompetent to carry out its duties ... Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their

When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.

Since everything in life is but an experience perfect in being what it is, having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well burst out in laughter.

If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism.

You can never do just one thing.

Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.

I am a man: nothing human is alien to me.

Nitwit ideas are for emergencies. You use them when you've got nothing else to try. If they work, they go in the Book. Otherwise you follow the Book, which is largely a collection of nitwit ideas that worked.

The great question that has never been answered and which I have not yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul is: WHAT DOES A WOMAN WANT?

Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you.

The final delusion is the belief that one has lost all delusions.

I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two highly trained certified public accountants.

Hard reality has a way of cramping your style.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

If a fool persists in his folly he shall become wise.

Piece of cake!

Better late than never.

Home is where the hurt is.

Do not despair of life. You have no doubt force enough to overcome your obstacles. Think of the fox prowling through wood and field in a winter night for something to satisfy his hunger. Notwithstanding cold and hounds and traps, his race survives

Think sideways!

Execute every act of thy life as though it were thy last.

"No job too big; no fee too big!"

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back the when it begins to rain.

In every hierarchy the cream rises until it sours.

Intellect annuls Fate. So far as a man thinks, he is free.

The problem that we thought was a problem was, indeed, a problem, but not the problem we thought was the problem.

Whom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods.

Who dat who say "who dat" when I say "who dat"?

In dwelling, be close to the land. In meditation, delve deep into the heart. In dealing with others, be gentle and kind. In speech, be true. In work, be competent. In action, be careful of your timing.

Don't guess

"I'm dying," he croaked. "My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted . "You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized. "That's no beagle, it's a mongrel," she muttered. "The fire is going out," he bellowed. "Bad marksmanship," the h

There is a secret person undamaged within every individual.

Things are not always what they seem.

Haste makes waste.

It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed.

Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills.

Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.

Honesty's the best policy.

The ideal voice for radio may be defined as showing no substance, no sex, no owner, and a message of importance for every housewife.

I BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on the same day. Then that night, they burned the wheel.

We were so poor we couldn't afford a watchdog. If we heard a noise at night, we'd bark ourselves.

It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish.

True to our past we work with an inherited, observed, and accepted vision of personal futility, and of the beauty of the world.

Plus ,ca change, plus c'est la m^eme chose. [The more things change, the more they remain the same.]

If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell.

Practice yourself what you preach.

If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.

He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news.

Odets, where is thy sting?

In my end is my beginning.

If you hype something and it succeeds, you're a genius

XXVI: If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed on each other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to chance. XXVII: Rank does not intimidate hardware. Neither does the lack of rank. XXVIII: It is better to be the r

Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade, since it consists principally of dealings with men.

By the middle 1880's, practically all the roads except those in the South, were of the present standard gauge. The southern roads were still five feet between rails. It was decided to change the gauge of all southern roads to standard, in one day

There is no comfort without pain; thus we define salvation through suffering.

XI: If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would get twice as much done. If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty times as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all the managers would fly off. XII: I

The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.

Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.

Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances.

Save the Whales

Confucius say too much.

We have reason to be afraid. This is a terrible place.

Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe? Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business signs to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a word, as in: WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHEC

The farther you go, the less you know.

She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.

Mum's the word.

Genius is pain.

Waste not fresh tears over old griefs.

The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped marker.

"Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work"

Chance is perhaps the work of God when He did not want to sign.

When the sun shineth, make hay.

Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there.

Men freely believe that what they wish to desire.

My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my family, it seems, begins where yours left off.

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.

God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.

Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his followers. One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She

It is a lesson which all history teaches wise men, to put trust in ideas, and not in circumstances.

Goals... Plans... they're fantasies, they're part of a dream world...

America, I'm putting my queer shoulder to the wheel.

A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks.

I understand why you're confused. You're thinking too much.

A beginning is the time for taking the most delicate care that balances are correct.

It's very glamorous to raise millions of dollars, until it's time for the venture capitalist to suck your eyeballs out.

One man's Mede is another man's Persian.

What you want, what you're hanging around in the world waiting for, is for something to occur to you.

Never buy what you do not want because it is cheap; it will be dear to you.

If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry.

The superfluous is very necessary.

The root of all superstition is that men observe when a thing hits, but not when it misses.

By perseverance the snail reached the Ark.

It is annoying to be honest to no purpose.

When eating an elephant take one bite at a time.

Three o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too late or a little too early for anything you want to do.

A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.

Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in.

A good name lost is seldom regained. When character is gone, all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever.

Whatever is not nailed down is mine. Whatever I can pry up is not nailed down.

There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish.

Believe everything you hear about the world; nothing is too impossibly bad.

Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy.

"What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?"

Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home tool sets for under $4?" An excellent question. Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where they

Remembering is for those who have forgotten.

There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.

Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.

A place for everything and everything in its place.

Philosophy will clip an angel's wings.

We are governed not by armies and police but by ideas.

Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit. [There is no great genius without some touch of madness.]

Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere. Climb the mountain just a little to test it's a mountain. From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain.

Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they would. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect that much.

"You would do well not to imagine profundity," he said. "Anything that seems of momentous occasion should be dwelt upon as though it were of slight note. Conversely, trivialities must be attended to with the greatest of care. Because death is moment

It is through symbols that man consciously or unconsciously lives, works and has his being.

Your wig steers the gig.

Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long.