The white race is the cancer of history.

If you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that's read by persons who move their lips when the're reading to themselves.

You mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond the obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason, and an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you.

"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"

Mike: "The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?" Bernie: "Nobody ever empties the ashtrays. People are SO inconsiderate."

Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade. But the wisdom of our ances

Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves.

"God gives burdens; also shoulders" Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech at the end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish saying; I can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth though; why wo

Tempt not a desperate man.

Big book, big bore.

"...The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!" "Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to feel interested. "No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little vexed. "That's what the name is called. The nam

Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the villagers gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," said Nasrudin, "I only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the villagers but the stupidest ran off to spr

Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

All hope abandon, ye who enter here!

Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very opposite applies with the judges.

In the plot, people came to the land; the land loved them; they worked and struggled and had lots of children. There was a Frenchman who talked funny and a greenhorn from England who was a fancy-pants but when it came to the crunch he was all courag

Law stands mute in the midst of arms.

They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps.

When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when your boss is away and you get twice as much done.

Roumanian-Yiddish cooking has killed more Jews than Hitler.

If you hype something and it succeeds, you're a genius

It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that English is the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many other languages "You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case.

She ran the gamut of emotions from 'A' to 'B'.

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.

To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.

Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think about sex at all... they become lawyers.

Things are not always what they seem.

The future not being born, my friend, we will abstain from baptizing it.

I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual becoming, with a goal in front and not behin

Everything takes longer, costs more, and is less useful.

The rule is, jam to-morrow and jam yesterday, but never jam today.

If you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk. If you wish to be happy for three days, get married. If you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it. If you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish.

"Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around, I'd rather lie around. No contest."

A is for Apple.

Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty is oblivion.

If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end.

I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.

The notes blatted skyward as they rose over the Canada geese, feathered rumps mooning the day, webbed appendages frantically pedaling unseen bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by cruel Nature's maxim, 'Ya wanna eat, ya gotta work,' and a

I had another dream the other day about music critics. They were small and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they had stepped out of a painting by Goya.

He who writes with no misspelled words has prevented a first suspicion on the limits of his scholarship or, in the social world, of his general education and culture.

Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations Sign on a cathedral in Spain: It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner if dressed as a man. Above the enterance to a Cairo bar: Unaccompanied ladies not admitted unless with husb

"What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?"

I recognize terror as the finest emotion and so I will try to terrorize the reader. But if I find that I cannot terrify, I will try to horrify, and if I find that I cannot horrify, I'll go for the gross-out.

Why am I so soft in the middle when the rest of my life is so hard?

The pollution's at that awkward stage. Too thick to navigate and too thin to cultivate.

If you lose a son you can always get another, but there's only one Maltese Falcon.

Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.

Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves.

You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form. The short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified", which means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears tax-preparation expert to distinguish betwe

Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to examine the laws of heat.

If there is no wind, row.

"Hey, Sam, how about a loan?" "Whattaya need?" "Oh, about $500." "Whattaya got for collateral?" "Whattaya need?" "How about an eye?"

As to Jesus of Nazareth... I think the system of Morals and his Religion, as he left them to us, the best the World ever saw or is likely to see; but I apprehend it has received various corrupting Changes, and I have, with most of the present Dissent

"Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *___can* you believe?!"

There is much Obi-Wan did not tell you.

... but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women were convicted of witch

The best you get is an even break.

Its name is Public Opinion. It is held in reverence. It settles everything. Some think it is the voice of God.

Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a surprising amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one hand considered the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other hand were unwilling to risk offending God's g

One good turn asketh another.

The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.

Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.

Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.

Tallulah Bankhead barged down the Nile last night as Cleopatra and sank.

If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.

"If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination."

Many a writer seems to think he is never profound except when he can't understand his own meaning.

Objectivity is to a newspaper what virtue is to a woman.

Who's scruffy-looking?

The more laws and order are made prominent, the more thieves and robbers there will be.

Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations Various signs in Poland: Right turn toward immediate outside. Go soothingly in the snow, as there lurk the ski demons. Five o'clock tea at all hours. In a men's washroom in Sidney:

I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and I wasn't tempted to buy

A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.

Luke, I'm yer father, eh. Come over to the dark side, you hoser.

Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.

Maryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on the dance floor. Now everyone's doing it. It's called grand slam dancing.

If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.

"Spare no expense to save money on this one."

In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty.

What an author likes to write most is his signature on the back of a cheque.

Getting into trouble is easy.

Forgive and forget.

Love the sea? I dote upon it

There is perhaps in every thing of any consequence, secret history, which it would be amusing to know, could we have it authentically communicated.

Do not despair of life. You have no doubt force enough to overcome your obstacles. Think of the fox prowling through wood and field in a winter night for something to satisfy his hunger. Notwithstanding cold and hounds and traps, his race survives

After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.

Chance is perhaps the work of God when He did not want to sign.

To do two things at once is to do neither.

A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.

I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some kind of loophole.

The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be able to correct them.

Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

What is good? Everything that heightens the feeling of power in man, the will to power, power itself. What is bad? Everything that is born of weakness. Not contentedness but more power; not peace but war; not virtue but fitness. The weak and the

Wagner's music is better than it sounds.

I do not patronize poor, ill educated, or disenfranchised people by exempting them from the same critical examination I feel free to direct toward the rest of society, however much I might champion the same minority or disadvantaged group in the foru

So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie; and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very imprudently married the barber; and there were

Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak!

The world is full of people who have never, since childhood, met an open doorway with an open mind.

Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.

Have the courage to take your own thoughts seriously, for they will shape you.

She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot.

Whoever has lived long enough to find out what life is, knows how deep a debt of gratitude we owe to Adam, the first great benefactor of our race. He brought death into the world.

It'll be just like Beggars' Canyon back home.

The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it.

Never take a resume seriously. Resumes only make money for the people who write the resumes. No resume ever tells an employer how many times a job applicant has had the clap. Why, indeed, would anyone hire a person based on a resume written by a

The true Southern watermelon is a boon apart, and not to be mentioned with commoner things. It is chief of the world's luxuries, king by the grace of God over all the fruits of the earth. When one has tasted it, he knows what the angels eat. It wa

"You would do well not to imagine profundity," he said. "Anything that seems of momentous occasion should be dwelt upon as though it were of slight note. Conversely, trivialities must be attended to with the greatest of care. Because death is moment

When in doubt, tell the truth.

Every young man should have a hobby: learning how to handle money is the best one.

I paid a visit to my local precinct in Greenwich Village and asked a sergeant to show me some rape statistics. He politely obliged. That month there had been thirty-five rape complaints, an advance of ten over the same month for the previous year.

A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call what he writes fiction.

Bingo, gas station, hamburger with a side order of airplane noise, and you'll be Gary, Indiana.

"Necessity is the mother of invention" is a silly proverb. "Necessity is the mother of futile dodges" is much nearer the truth.

Age before beauty; and pearls before swine.

"There is a God, but He drinks"

I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.

Where there is much light there is also much shadow.

To err is human, to repent, divine, to persist, devilish.

It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our offense consists in doubting it.

Rome was not built in one day.

There is no proverb that is not true.

Hating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie, unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax.

A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.

If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

"Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like `Amadeus'? I could have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing."

Princeton's taste is sweet like a strawberry tart. Harvard's is a subtle taste, like whiskey, coffee, or tobacco. It may even be a bad habit, for all I know.

There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true.

Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the men are strong, the women are pretty, and the children are above-average.

Once, I read that a man be never stronger than when he truly realizes how weak he is.

What soon grows old? Gratitude.

She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.

One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to represent a creative meeting, and the ratio c

Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.

Beauty is one of the rare things which does not lead to doubt of God.

The mind is its own place, and in itself Can make a Heav'n of Hell, a Hell of Heav'n.

It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the r