Nonsense and beauty have close connections.

Solipsists of the World... you are already united.

Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.

American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference between the men's room and the women's room with

In my end is my beginning.

The true way goes over a rope which is not stretched at any great height but just above the ground. It seems more designed to make people stumble than to be walked upon.

Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations Various signs in Poland: Right turn toward immediate outside. Go soothingly in the snow, as there lurk the ski demons. Five o'clock tea at all hours. In a men's washroom in Sidney:

Exxon's 'Universe of Energy' tends to the peculiar rather than the humorous ... After [an incomprehensible film montage about wind and sun and rain and strip mines and] two or three minutes of mechanical confusion, the seats locomote through a short

The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern. Every class is unfit to govern.

I DON'T THINK I'M ALONE when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.

Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than we deserve.

Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions.

Let's do it.

It doesn't matter whether you win or lose

The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly important thing to people.

The chief cause of problems is solutions.

Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind.

Every person, all the events in your life are there because you have drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you.

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

You've always made the mistake of being yourself.

You are a wish to be here wishing yourself.

Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere. Climb the mountain just a little to test it's a mountain. From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain.

Luke, I'm yer father, eh. Come over to the dark side, you hoser.

The most common given name in the world is Mohammad; the most common family name in the world is Chang. Can you imagine the enormous number of people in the world named Mohammad Chang?

I paid a visit to my local precinct in Greenwich Village and asked a sergeant to show me some rape statistics. He politely obliged. That month there had been thirty-five rape complaints, an advance of ten over the same month for the previous year.

And they mainly want to teach them not to question, not to imagine, but to be obedient and behave well so that they can hold them forever as children to their bosom as the second millennium lurches toward its panicky close.

Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait. [If youth but knew, if old age but could.]

Forgive your enemies, but don't forget their names.

Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas" until you are told that those rooms are "punched out." Once punched out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such.

Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they had towels from my house.

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.

... relaxed in the manner of a man who has no need to put up a front of any kind.

We only acknowledge small faults in order to make it appear that we are free from great ones.

The Worst Car Hire Service When David Schwartz left university in 1972, he set up Rent-a-wreck as a joke. Being a natural prankster, he acquired a fleet of beat-up shabby, wreckages waiting for the scrap heap in California. He put on a cap and lo

To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D.

No two persons ever read the same book.

The human instinct to censor thrives, as it always will, living in irrepressible conflict with the human instinct to speak. Outrage, self-righteousness, and paranoia feed the maw of censorship. Squelching speech, however, never reduces society's net

When I came back to Dublin I was courtmartialed in my absence and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.

God shows his contempt for wealth by the kind of person he selects to receive it.

I'll never get off this planet.

Eighteen goddess-like daughters are not equal to one son with a hump.

I know on which side my bread is buttered.

The problem that we thought was a problem was, indeed, a problem, but not the problem we thought was the problem.

If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

As long as there are entrenched social and political distinctions between sexes, races or classes, there will be forms of science whose main function is to rationalize and legitimize these distinctions.

I have nothing but utter contempt for the courts of this land.

What a bonanza! An unknown beginner to be directed by Lubitsch, in a script by Wilder and Brackett, and to play with Paramount's two superstars, Gary Cooper and Claudette Colbert, and to be beaten up by both of them!

Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more spectacular adventure starring... Tippy, the Wonder Dog!

All things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed.

Likewise, the national appetizer, brine-cured herring with raw onions, wins few friends, Germans excepted.

When I hear a man applauded by the mob I always feel a pang of pity for him. All he has to do to be hissed is to live long enough.

... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *___did* quote anybody in this business, it probably would be gibberish.

When the sun shineth, make hay.

XLI: The more one produces, the less one gets. XLII: Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite testing. XLIII: Hardware works best when it matters the least. XLIV: Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a we

BS: You remind me of a man. B: What man? BS: The man with the power. B: What power? BS: The power of voodoo. B: Voodoo? BS: You do. B: Do what? BS: Remind me of a man. B: What man? BS: The man with the power...

Do not use that foreign word "ideals". We have that excellent native word "lies".

A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)

All art is but imitation of nature.

If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.

In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty lashes with the cat or the dog,

Man has made his bedlam; let him lie in it.

Many receive advice, few profit by it.

Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune.

To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.

It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.

Life is one long struggle in the dark.

October 12, the Discovery. It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.

The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better people, and don't come in clearly enough.

Whenever anyone says, "theoretically," they really mean, "not really."

Fortune and love befriend the bold.

What is good? Everything that heightens the feeling of power in man, the will to power, power itself. What is bad? Everything that is born of weakness. Not contentedness but more power; not peace but war; not virtue but fitness. The weak and the

Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of government, therefore,

We're constantly being bombarded by insulting and humiliating music, which people are making for you the way they make those Wonder Bread products. Just as food can be bad for your system, music can be bad for your spirtual and emotional feelings. I

Don't get the idea that I'm one of those goddamn radicals. Don't get the idea that I'm knocking the American system.

Virtue would go far if vanity did not keep it company.

What a strange game. The only winning move is not to play.

It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.

Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it's out of date.)

The propriety of some persons seems to consist in having improper thoughts about their neighbours.

Maybe ain't ain't so correct, but I notice that lots of folks who ain't using ain't ain't eatin' well.

In my experience, if you have to keep the lavatory door shut by extending your left leg, it's modern architecture.

There appears to be irrefutable evidence that the mere fact of overcrowding induces violence.

[The members of the Chamberlain government] are decided only to be undecided, resolved to be irresolute, adamant for drift, all-powerful for impotency.

In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred thousand miles long ... se

If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one.

Something better... 13 (sympathetic): Oh, What happened? Did your parents lose a bet with God? 14 (complimentary): You must love the little birdies to give them this to perch on. 15 (scientific): Say, does that thing there influence the tides?

I never made a mistake in my life. I thought I did once, but I was wrong.

The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.

And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have a sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks tragedy, and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets tragedy face to face, we have politics.

Sanity is the trademark of a weak mind.

[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity: (1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a

The final delusion is the belief that one has lost all delusions.

The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one.

Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.

Talkers are no good doers.

Never buy from a rich salesman.

question = ( to ) ? be : ! be;

Peace cannot be kept by force; it can only be achieved by understanding.

There is no delight the equal of dread. As long as it is somebody else's.

Men use thought only to justify their wrong doings, and speech only to conceal their thoughts.

When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.

October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks in. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August, and February.

You're either part of the solution or part of the problem.

Any president should have the right to shoot at least two people a year without explanation.

A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.

What!? Me worry?

If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish.

Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

Andrea: Unhappy the land that has no heroes. Galileo: No, unhappy the land that _____needs heroes.

The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.

The worst cliques are those which consist of one man.

There is an innocence in admiration; it is found in those to whom it has not yet occurred that they, too, might be admired some day.

Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally promoting a falsehood, isn't it?

There is no fool to the old fool.

With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time they make a law it's a joke.

Better the prince of some inferior court, Than second, or less, in beatific light.

Praise the sea; on shore remain.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

Poverty must have its satisfactions, else there would not be so many poor people.

When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary.

Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe? Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business signs to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a word, as in: WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHEC

"Richard, in being so fierce toward my vampire, you were doing what you wanted to do, even though you thought it was going to hurt somebody else. He even told you he'd be hurt if..." "He was going to suck my blood!" "Which is what we do to anyone

Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.

The American system of ours, call it Americanism, call it Capitalism, call it what you like, gives each and every one of us a great opportunity if we only seize it with both hands and make the most of it.

Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images.

The reasons that each of these countries has had to renege on its financial committments were all somewhat different: Argentina because of a war, Poland because of its vast misguided overinvestment in heavy industry, Honduras because the coffee price

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.

The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes. Let the reader catch his own breath.

Most people can't understand how others can blow their noses differently than they do.

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue.

Never speak ill of yourself, your friends will always say enough on that subject.

This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it.

"We should declare war on North Vietnam. We could pave the whole country and put parking strips on it, and still be home by Christmas."

The great secret in life ... [is] not to open your letters for a fortnight. At the expiration of that period you will find that nearly all of them have answered themselves.

Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity. They seem more afraid of life than death.

Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere. Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group. Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA. The remainder is thrown out. Republicans usu