Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near the earth's surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people to do so.

Non-Determinism is not meant to be reasonable.

Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.

No good deed goes unpunished.

What excuses stand in your way? How can you eliminate them?

The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch someone else doing it wrong, without commenting.

One learns to itch where one can scratch.

A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper.

Superstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy have ample wages, but truth goes a-begging.

There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary as 'unearned income.'

A woman's a woman until the day she dies, but a man's only a man as long as he can.

I'd be a poorer man if I'd never seen an eagle fly.

It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure.

Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future.

Getting into trouble is easy.

Mankind is poised midway between the gods and the beasts.

There is more to life than increasing its speed.

There is nothing so easy but that it becomes difficult when you do it reluctantly.

Force has no place where there is need of skill.

Illusion is the first of all pleasures.

Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, but remember, it didn't help the rabbit.

A good reputation is more valuable than money.

Men will fuck mud.

Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest amount of hot air.

Fortune and love befriend the bold.

I love treason but hate a traitor.

If there is no wind, row.

In spite of everything, I still believe that people are good at heart.

If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism.

The final delusion is the belief that one has lost all delusions.

The man who runs may fight again.

Mental power tended to corrupt, and absolute intelligence tended to corrupt absolutely, until the victim eschewed violence entirely in favor of smart solutions to stupid problems.

In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!"

Catharsis is something I associate with pornography and crossword puzzles.

There are many of us in this old world of ours who hold that things break about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get about the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summer and the poor get it in the winter.

Don't get mad, get even.

The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.

Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored.

An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God. Some of these eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as possible.

If you know the answer to a question, don't ask.

Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long.

Coincidences are spiritual puns.

The best you get is an even break.

Believe everything you hear about the world; nothing is too impossibly bad.

A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.

Imagine what we can imagine!

There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.

Sensible and responsible women do not want to vote.

Hard reality has a way of cramping your style.

Kindness is the beginning of cruelty.

A man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles in the road.

Honesty's the best policy.

Life is like a 10 speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.

Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.

Suffering alone exists, none who suffer; The deed there is, but no doer thereof; Nirvana is, but no one is seeking it; The Path there is, but none who travel it.

Wishing without work is like fishing without bait.

Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

The proof of the pudding is in the eating.

What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence.

Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them.

If God is One, what is bad?

Plus ,ca change, plus c'est la m^eme chose. [The more things change, the more they remain the same.]

God is Dead.

A man is known by the company he organizes.

To lead people, you must follow behind.

You get what you pay for.

The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions.

We are governed not by armies and police but by ideas.

You have all eternity to be cautious in when you're dead.

The greatest productive force is human selfishness.

For if there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life.

No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the Continent, a part of the maine; if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea, Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne we

What you want, what you're hanging around in the world waiting for, is for something to occur to you.

With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time they make a law it's a joke.

Facts, apart from their relationships, are like labels on empty bottles.

My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed.

"Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever

Have you ever stopped to think what it would be like to have a woman President? "I can't deal with the Russians today. Not now. I've got my period."

Time as he grows old teaches all things.

The universe is made of stories, not of atoms.

If you would know the value of money, go try to borrow some.

Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting.

Anything that is worth doing has been done frequently. Things hitherto undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth.

Walking on water wasn't built in a day.

Well begun is half done.

Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.

An office party is not, as is sometimes supposed the Managing Director's chance to kiss the tea-girl. It is the tea-girl's chance to kiss the Managing Director (however bizarre an ambition this may seem to anyone who has seen the Managing Director f

We have reason to be afraid. This is a terrible place.

I'll turn over a new leaf.

Beauty is one of the rare things which does not lead to doubt of God.

Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you awfully comfortable while you're being miserable.

You k'n hide de fier, but w'at you gwine do wid de smoke?

If the ends don't justify the means, then what does?

It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our offense consists in doubting it.

Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it.

Porsche: there simply is no substitute.

Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they would. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect that much.

A little bit of rape is good for a man's soul.

Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you will pay only the station-to-station rate.

All is well that ends well.

The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money completely surrounded by people who want some.

The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.

Not to laugh, not to lament, not to curse, but to understand.

Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe? Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business signs to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a word, as in: WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHEC

Lo! Men have become the tool of their tools.

A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator.

A word to the wise is enough.

A game can by God repent or we'll punish it. That's how they did it in Salem in the seventeenth century, and that's how we'll do it now.

God was satisfied with his own work, and that is fatal.

Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business. Cheat.

If a shameless woman expects to be defiled and then dies of her fierce love because you do not consent, will chastity also be homicide?

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money.

"I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment."

It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim of infanticide.

If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could work for with a great deal of enjoyment.

Mundus vult decipi decipiatur ergo.

A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth.

Bullwinkle: You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the outfit. General: What does that make YOU? Bullwinkle: What else? An executive.

In dwelling, be close to the land. In meditation, delve deep into the heart. In dealing with others, be gentle and kind. In speech, be true. In work, be competent. In action, be careful of your timing.

Certainly the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win.

The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the number of participants.

Your wig steers the gig.

Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than being flat broke and having a stomach ache.

XXI: It's easy to get a loan unless you need it. XXII: If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock, not selling advice. XXIII: Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is currently estimated. XXIV:

Home is where the hurt is.

Instead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better.

I am a man: nothing human is alien to me.

I understand why you're confused. You're thinking too much.

The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes, respectability and children. Nothing can lift those seven milestones from man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the milestones are lifted.

Three minutes' thought would suffice to find this out; but thought is irksome and three minutes is a long time.

...He who laughs does not believe in what he laughs at, but neither does he hate it. Therefore, laughing at evil means not preparing oneself to combat it, and laughing at good means denying the power through which good is self-propagating.

Who does not trust enough will not be trusted.

A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed.

Woman is generally so bad that the difference between a good and a bad woman scarcely exists.

Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.

It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the r

Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait. [If youth but knew, if old age but could.]

None love the bearer of bad news.