Just close your eyes, tap your heels together three times, and think to yourself, `There's no place like home.'

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.

There's no such thing as an original sin.

Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit. [There is no great genius without some touch of madness.]

Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be surprised at how little you have.

I have just enough white in me to make my honesty questionable.

Have the courage to take your own thoughts seriously, for they will shape you.

Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves.

All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for fun. Money's just the way we keep score.

Walking on water wasn't built in a day.

When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.

If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish.

With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time they make a law it's a joke.

Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground

I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock.

If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we would all be millionaires.

Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it!

Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.

If I love you, what business is it of yours?

If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry.

A society in which women are taught anything but the management of a family, the care of men, and the creation of the future generation is a society which is on its way out.

The greatest productive force is human selfishness.

Age before beauty; and pearls before swine.

Many hands make light work.

Briefly stated, the findings are that when presented with an array of data or a sequence of events in which they are instructed to discover an underlying order, subjects show strong tendencies to perceive order and causality in random arrays, to perc

Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.

Lay off the muses, it's a very tough dollar.

Waste not fresh tears over old griefs.

The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind.

When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.

When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane."

The college graduate is presented with a sheepskin to cover his intellectual nakedness.

Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the villagers gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," said Nasrudin, "I only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the villagers but the stupidest ran off to spr

A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.

Where do I find the time for not reading so many books?

When the sun shineth, make hay.

Tallulah Bankhead barged down the Nile last night as Cleopatra and sank.

It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim of infanticide.

There are two ways of disliking art. One is to dislike it. The other is to like it rationally.

I just asked myself... what would John DeLorean do?

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

Hard reality has a way of cramping your style.

Solipsists of the World... you are already united.

Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth *___and* fresher

Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at reasonable prices? Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's build a home center. And before long ho

Luke, I'm yer father, eh. Come over to the dark side, you hoser.

Diary of a Young Girl LITE(tm)

It is bad luck to be superstitious.

If God is One, what is bad?

Don't guess

Believe everything you hear about the world; nothing is too impossibly bad.

The time spent on any item of the agenda [of a finance committee] will be in inverse proportion to the sum involved.

"I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?"

Man is the measure of all things.

If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, it might well prolong his life.

Not all who own a harp are harpers.

The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be able to correct them.

The longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate.

In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment was expressed by Thomas K. Co

There has been a little distress selling on the stock exchange.

There are no accidents whatsoever in the universe.

Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch" may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used whe

Every young man should have a hobby: learning how to handle money is the best one.

He that composes himself is wiser than he that composes a book.

Getting into trouble is easy.

Forgive and forget.

Better late than never.

Whenever anyone says, "theoretically," they really mean, "not really."

"World conquerors sometimes become fools, but fools never become world conquerors."

It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased.

Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away?

Sweet April showers do spring May flowers.

Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations Sign on a cathedral in Spain: It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner if dressed as a man. Above the enterance to a Cairo bar: Unaccompanied ladies not admitted unless with husb

To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.

Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them.

Where there is much light there is also much shadow.

Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop writing.

Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait. [If youth but knew, if old age but could.]

He who fears the unknown may one day flee from his own backside.

I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours. Great song.

It is not enough that I should succeed. Others must fail.

A good scapegoat is hard to find. A guilty conscience is the mother of invention.

It is only the man whose intellect is clouded by his sexual impulse that could give the name of the fair sex to that undersized, narrow-shouldered, broad-hipped, and short-legged race.

Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.

This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with great force.

One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to represent a creative meeting, and the ratio c

I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two highly trained certified public accountants.

Things are not always what they seem.

Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.

Genius is pain.

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used.

Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even worse.

Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away someone else's cash.

What fools these mortals be.

Live fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway!

We are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one.

With her body, woman is more sincere than man; but with her mind she lies. And when she lies, she does not believe herself.

Your wig steers the gig.

My tears stuck in their little ducts, refusing to be jerked.

Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.

Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.

The only promotion rules I can think of are that a sense of shame is to be avoided at all costs and there is never any reason for a hustler to be less cunning than more virtuous men. Oh yes ... whenever you think you've got something really great, a

When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.

Housework can kill you if done right.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

"You would do well not to imagine profundity," he said. "Anything that seems of momentous occasion should be dwelt upon as though it were of slight note. Conversely, trivialities must be attended to with the greatest of care. Because death is moment

"I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment."

Ever get the feeling that the world's on tape and one of the reels is missing?

The profession of book writing makes horse racing seem like a solid, stable business.

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

I heard a definition of an intellectual, that I thought was very interesting: a man who takes more words than are necessary to tell more than he knows.

I used to be disgusted, now I find I'm just amused.

A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.

Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education is what you get when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't.

All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard, ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas.

A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies, scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom.

Satire is what closes Saturday night.

Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with royal-blue chickens.

A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.

Wishing without work is like fishing without bait.

Television is now so desperately hungry for material that it is scraping the top of the barrel.

He who despairs over an event is a coward, but he who holds hopes for the human condition is a fool.

When the ax entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us!"

If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life.

Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation. In an instant, armed troops surroun

Only those who leisurely approach that which the masses are busy about can be busy about that which the masses take leisurely.

XXVI: If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed on each other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to chance. XXVII: Rank does not intimidate hardware. Neither does the lack of rank. XXVIII: It is better to be the r

To have died once is enough.

The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes, respectability and children. Nothing can lift those seven milestones from man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the milestones are lifted.

Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night.

If you catch a man, throw him back.

Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods.

The world is your exercise-book, the pages on which you do your sums. It is not reality, although you can express reality there if you wish. You are also free to write nonsense, or lies, or to tear the pages.

... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If somebody gets handed a name like "H.

Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you will pay only the station-to-station rate.

Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry.

I understand why you're confused. You're thinking too much.

If a shameless woman expects to be defiled and then dies of her fierce love because you do not consent, will chastity also be homicide?

The fact that it works is immaterial.