Work Hard. Rock Hard. Eat Hard. Sleep Hard. Grow Big. Wear Glasses If You Need 'Em.

Think sideways!

A witty saying proves nothing.

You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company.

Men will fuck mud.

Exxon's 'Universe of Energy' tends to the peculiar rather than the humorous ... After [an incomprehensible film montage about wind and sun and rain and strip mines and] two or three minutes of mechanical confusion, the seats locomote through a short

If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.

Drop the vase and it will become a Ming of the past.

There is nothing new except what has been forgotten.

Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.

Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think about sex at all... they become lawyers.

Force has no place where there is need of skill.

A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper.

If we see the light at the end of the tunnel, it's the light of an oncoming train.

One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to represent a creative meeting, and the ratio c

I just got off the phone with Sonny Barger [President of the Hell's Angels]. He wants me to appear as a character witness for him at his murder trial and said he'd be glad to appear as a character witness on my behalf if I ever needed one. Needless

A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation. It takes an abundance of imagination, to be sure.

"Life is too important to take seriously."

Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental Anguish. You would sue: * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions

Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near the earth's surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people to do so.

The more the merrier.

The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of management is that success equals skill.

America, I'm putting my queer shoulder to the wheel.

If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.

In the long run we are all dead.

Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.

Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.

What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.

Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little more time for dreaming.

Go away, I'm all right.

Where there is much light there is also much shadow.

Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson Bay, left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. Using a bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and great effort pushing boulders into a single

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

XLI: The more one produces, the less one gets. XLII: Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite testing. XLIII: Hardware works best when it matters the least. XLIV: Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a we

I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem.

Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion.

Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.

The Worst Jury A murder trial at Manitoba in February 1978 was well advanced, when one juror revealed that he was completely deaf and did not have the remotest clue what was happening. The judge, Mr. Justice Solomon, asked him if he had heard any

The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to do what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with them while they do it.

The pollution's at that awkward stage. Too thick to navigate and too thin to cultivate.

From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back. That is the point that must be reached.

Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.

The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it.

Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high, they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.

When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.

The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth.

The executioner is, I hear, very expert, and my neck is very slender.

Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business. Cheat.

"Do you think there's a God?" "Well, ____SOMEbody's out to get me!"

You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

One hundred women are not worth a single testicle.

Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground

If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.

Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the villagers gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," said Nasrudin, "I only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the villagers but the stupidest ran off to spr

It is through symbols that man consciously or unconsciously lives, works and has his being.

Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.

If you aren't rich you should always look useful.

The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine we own.

For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.

I just asked myself... what would John DeLorean do?

The greatest productive force is human selfishness.

He that composes himself is wiser than he that composes a book.

"The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain."

There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary as 'unearned income.'

I have ways of making money that you know nothing of.

Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a number. Youre two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and another number.

You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred.

An aphorism is never exactly true; it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths.

In charity there is no excess.

Leave no stone unturned.

"You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten."

Remembering is for those who have forgotten.

The future not being born, my friend, we will abstain from baptizing it.

If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we would all be millionaires.

Facts, apart from their relationships, are like labels on empty bottles.

Some people say a front-engine car handles best. Some people say a rear-engine car handles best. I say a rented car handles best.

Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves.

Every young man should have a hobby: learning how to handle money is the best one.

Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich and powerful know that he is.

If you sell diamonds, you cannot expect to have many customers. But a diamond is a diamond even if there are no customers.

Necessity hath no law.

Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to examine the laws of heat.

No one born with a mouth and a need is "innocent".

Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future.

Do not use that foreign word "ideals". We have that excellent native word "lies".

A woman's a woman until the day she dies, but a man's only a man as long as he can.

The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions.

It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion.

A place for everything and everything in its place.

Never buy from a rich salesman.

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

All hope abandon, ye who enter here!

Not to laugh, not to lament, not to curse, but to understand.

The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because it isn't here.

A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.

Thou hast seen nothing yet.

Among all savage beasts, none is found so harmful as woman.

One good turn deserves another.

For fools rush in where angels fear to tread.

It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed.

A full belly makes a dull brain.

Lookie, lookie, here comes cookie...

Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and long were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his pain and his aloneness without regret?

Music in the soul can be heard by the universe.

My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my family, it seems, begins where yours left off.

Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry.

Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all.

We are governed not by armies and police but by ideas.

Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental Anguish. You would sue: * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions

The Worst Car Hire Service When David Schwartz left university in 1972, he set up Rent-a-wreck as a joke. Being a natural prankster, he acquired a fleet of beat-up shabby, wreckages waiting for the scrap heap in California. He put on a cap and lo

Life would be tolerable but for its amusements.

Real wealth can only increase.

A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.

Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't, don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck.

It's easier to take it apart than to put it back together.

Yet creeds mean very little, Coth answered the dark god, still speaking almost gently. The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.

CF&C stole it, fair and square.

I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.

You must be the change you wish to see in the world.

A dream will always triumph over reality, once it is given the chance.

If a thing's worth having, it's worth cheating for.

Imagine what we can imagine!

I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men

The best you get is an even break.

If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could work for with a great deal of enjoyment.

Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they had towels from my house.

You can observe a lot just by watching.

When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.

It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim of infanticide.

All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard, ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas.

All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for fun. Money's just the way we keep score.

No small art is it to sleep: it is necessary for that purpose to keep awake all day.

Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of government, therefore,

per year.

Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.

Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.

It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim of infanticide.

The possession of a book becomes a substitute for reading it.

I just need enough to tide me over until I need more.

It's hard to drive at the limit, but it's harder to know where the limits are.