It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our offense consists in doubting it.

"Necessity is the mother of invention" is a silly proverb. "Necessity is the mother of futile dodges" is much nearer the truth.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. My advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high, they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.

The only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane.

I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man.

Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?

Leave no stone unturned.

A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator.

Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.

Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business. Cheat.

To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D.

Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.

To err is human, to repent, divine, to persist, devilish.

Whom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods.

Don't get mad, get even.

Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.

Thou hast seen nothing yet.

After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon to be created." "This is true," He replied.

Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of government, therefore,

I'm going to raise an issue and stick it in your ear.

We rarely find anyone who can say he has lived a happy life, and who, content with his life, can retire from the world like a satisfied guest.

Fortune's Guide to Freshman Notetaking: WHEN THE PROFESSOR SAYS: YOU WRITE: Probably the greatest quality of the poetry John Milton

We can embody the truth, but we cannot know it.

The world is your exercise-book, the pages on which you do your sums. It is not reality, although you can express reality there if you wish. You are also free to write nonsense, or lies, or to tear the pages.

Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich and powerful know that he is.

I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men

If you aren't rich you should always look useful.

To add insult to injury.

Nice guys finish last.

My father, a good man, told me, "Never lose your ignorance; you cannot replace it."

The first requisite for immortality is death.

Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.

If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.

Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground

I know on which side my bread is buttered.

If ever the pleasure of one has to be bought by the pain of the other, there better be no trade. A trade by which one gains and the other loses is a fraud.

There are no accidents whatsoever in the universe.

Fortune and love befriend the bold.

Let's remind ourselves that last year's fresh idea is today's cliche.

After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon to be created." "This is true," He replied.

You are never given a wish without also being given the power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however.

Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

Charity begins at home.

"MOKE DAT YIGARETTE"

It is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have to do, that makes life blessed.

A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth.

About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.

How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?

A little bit of rape is good for a man's soul.

What makes you think graduate school is supposed to be satisfying?

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

The proof of the pudding is in the eating.

There is nothing new except what has been forgotten.

Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.

We know next to nothing about virtually everything. It is not necessary to know the origin of the universe; it is necessary to want to know. Civilization depends not on any particular knowledge, but on the disposition to crave knowledge.

XI: If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would get twice as much done. If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty times as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all the managers would fly off. XII: I

God instructs the heart, not by ideas, but by pains and contradictions.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

The optimum committee has no members.

In childhood a woman must be subject to her father; in youth to her husband; when her husband is dead, to her sons. A woman must never be free of subjugation.

When the speaker and he to whom he is speaks do not understand, that is metaphysics.

Confucius say too much.

Dignity is like a flag. It flaps in a storm.

Whatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts.

It is not enough that I should succeed. Others must fail.

A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.

Your wig steers the gig.

Only those who leisurely approach that which the masses are busy about can be busy about that which the masses take leisurely.

Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade, since it consists principally of dealings with men.

The meek shall inherit the earth, but *not* its mineral rights.

Ain't no right way to do a wrong thing.

Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations. He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan, then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open market. If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarri

Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is liked getting kicked out of the Book-of-the-Month Club.

Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images.

per year.

A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies, scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom.

Brahma said: Well, after hearing ten thousand explanations, a fool is no wiser. But an intelligent man needs only two thousand five hundred.

The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist knows it.

Porsche: there simply is no substitute.

She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.

Term, holidays, term, holidays, till we leave school, and then work, work, work till we die.

I owe the public nothing.

God gave man two ears and one tongue so that we listen twice as much as we speak.

I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches.

Genius is pain.

What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.

Competitive fury is not always anger. It is the true missionary's courage and zeal in facing the possibility that one's best may not be enough.

If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.

He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him.

Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very opposite applies with the judges.

You climb to reach the summit, but once there, discover that all roads lead down.

Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to examine the laws of heat.

Here's to women. Would that we could fall into her arms without falling into her hands.

If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The "professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on t

If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads.

Well, the handwriting is on the floor.

There is a good deal of solemn cant about the common interests of capital and labour. As matters stand, their only common interest is that of cutting each other's throat.

I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some kind of loophole.

What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence.

Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

I understand why you're confused. You're thinking too much.

Learning without thought is labor lost; thought without learning is perilous.

Never appeal to a man's "better nature." He may not have one. Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.

Things are not always what they seem.

How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another in the waking state?

Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away someone else's cash.

When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.

He knows not how to know who knows not also how to unknow.

I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some kind of loophole.

A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around she deserved.

The man who has never been flogged has never been taught.

We have lingered long enough on the shores of the Cosmic Ocean.

To teach is to learn twice.

Another day, another dollar.

The fact that it works is immaterial.

Walking on water wasn't built in a day.

A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed.

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

Somehow I reached excess without ever noticing when I was passing through satisfaction.

The Worst Car Hire Service When David Schwartz left university in 1972, he set up Rent-a-wreck as a joke. Being a natural prankster, he acquired a fleet of beat-up shabby, wreckages waiting for the scrap heap in California. He put on a cap and lo

In the long run we are all dead.

The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine we own.

Fourteen years in the professor dodge has taught me that one can argue ingeniously on behalf of any theory, applied to any piece of literature. This is rarely harmful, because normally no-one reads such essays.

I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two highly trained certified public accountants.

Alas, I am dying beyond my means.

Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas" until you are told that those rooms are "punched out." Once punched out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such.

Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson Bay, left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. Using a bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and great effort pushing boulders into a single

A good name lost is seldom regained. When character is gone, all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever.

God was satisfied with his own work, and that is fatal.

Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine.

As well look for a needle in a bottle of hay.

Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money.

Housework can kill you if done right.

If little else, the brain is an educational toy.

Luck, that's when preparation and opportunity meet.

It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure.

What passes for optimism is most often the effect of an intellectual error.

Practice yourself what you preach.

Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at reasonable prices? Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's build a home center. And before long ho

It is imperative when flying coach that you restrain any tendency toward the vividly imaginative. For although it may momentarily appear to be the case, it is not at all likely that the cabin is entirely inhabited by crying babies smoking inexpensiv

"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"

Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith.

L'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare.

Well begun is half done.

The life which is unexamined is not worth living.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Think lucky. If you fall in a pond, check your pockets for fish.

It's always darkest just before the lights go out.

There must be more to life than having everything.

Try not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be educational.

It was a female that drove me to drink and I didn't even have the kindness to thank her.

There is no sin but ignorance.

Bullwinkle: You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the outfit. General: What does that make YOU? Bullwinkle: What else? An executive.

Some people say a front-engine car handles best. Some people say a rear-engine car handles best. I say a rented car handles best.

Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future.

No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings.

The whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively.

"We maintain that the very foundation of our way of life is what we call free enterprise," said Cash McCall, "but when one of our citizens show enough free enterprise to pile up a little of that profit, we do our best to make him feel that he ought t

What fools these mortals be.

Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.

Knowledge is power.

Aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star.

What does education often do? It makes a straight cut ditch of a free meandering brook.

A journey of a thousand miles starts under one's feet.

I will make you shorter by the head.

If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.

"We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!"

Take what you can use and let the rest go by.

The road to Hades is easy to travel.

Love may laugh at locksmiths, but he has a profound respect for money bags.

Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around us in awareness.

Music in the soul can be heard by the universe.

Some women should be beaten regularly, like gongs.

Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.

XLI: The more one produces, the less one gets. XLII: Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite testing. XLIII: Hardware works best when it matters the least. XLIV: Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a we

Diary of a Young Girl LITE(tm)

The coast was clear.

Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves.

I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men

The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes.

Whenever anyone says, "theoretically," they really mean, "not really."

Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it's out of date.)

A word to the wise is enough.

What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space-launch-style "hold" for two to three hours, durin

Well, we'll really have a party, but we've gotta post a guard outside.

There are no answers, only cross-references.

One good turn asketh another.

Chapter 1 The story so far: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

If a guru falls in the forest with no one to hear him, was he really a guru at all?

Optimism is the content of small men in high places.

An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God. Some of these eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as possible.

A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it.

Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.

Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think about sex at all... they become lawyers.

Never look a gift horse in the mouth.

Look, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters, con-men. That's the way businesses get started. That's the way this country was built.

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

There seems no plan because it is all plan.

The term "fire" brings up visions of violence and mayhem and the ugly scene of shooting employees who make mistakes. We will now refer to this process as "deleting" an employee (much as a file is deleted from a disk). The employee is simply there o

It is so stupid of modern civilisation to have given up believing in the devil when he is the only explanation of it.

I have ways of making money that you know nothing of.

Man must shape his tools lest they shape him.

The avocation of assessing the failures of better men can be turned into a comfortable livelihood, providing you back it up with a Ph.D.

Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you awfully comfortable while you're being miserable.

Three o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too late or a little too early for anything you want to do.

Never buy what you do not want because it is cheap; it will be dear to you.

With all the talent around, it's sort of amazing that a woman could be up here with us.

When you are at Rome live in the Roman style; when you are elsewhere live as they live elsewhere.