If God is One, what is bad?

Better tried by twelve than carried by six.

With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time they make a law it's a joke.

Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.

When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the thing," it's the money.

You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.

Optimism is the content of small men in high places.

Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist drivel; Star Trek can turn your brains to puree of bat guano; and the greatest science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll take you all on, one-by-one or all in a bunc

If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.

Three o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too late or a little too early for anything you want to do.

"We're not talking about the same thing," he said. "For you the world is weird because if you're not bored with it you're at odds with it. For me the world is weird because it is stupendous, awesome, mysterious, unfathomable; my interest has been to

Two heads are better than one.

It looks like it's up to me to save our skins. Get into that garbage chute, flyboy!

Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch" may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used whe

The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions.

In Hollywood, all marriages are happy. It's trying to live together afterwards that causes the problems.

Housework can kill you if done right.

Plastic... Aluminum... These are the inheritors of the Universe! Flesh and Blood have had their day... and that day is past!

If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life.

If I could reach, I'd never leave the house.

Just remember, wherever you go, there you are.

But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in 1877, was the phonograph, which could soo

The more the merrier.

Do not use that foreign word "ideals". We have that excellent native word "lies".

He who has the courage to laugh is almost as much a master of the world as he who is ready to die.

I remember once being on a station platform in Cleveland at four in the morning. A black porter was carrying my bags, and as we were waiting for the train to come in, he said to me: "Excuse me, Mr. Cooke, I don't want to invade your privacy, but I h

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

Nothing endures but change.

The only reward of virtue is virtue.

God helps them that help themselves.

"I'm dying," he croaked. "My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted . "You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized. "That's no beagle, it's a mongrel," she muttered. "The fire is going out," he bellowed. "Bad marksmanship," the h

He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news.

British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive it. If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps.

Who's scruffy-looking?

Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget.

Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves.

The Least Successful Equal Pay Advertisement In 1976 the European Economic Community pointed out to the Irish Government that it had not yet implemented the agreed sex equality legislation. The Dublin Government immediately advertised for an equal

Intellect annuls Fate. So far as a man thinks, he is free.

The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.

One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to represent a creative meeting, and the ratio c

Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the villagers gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," said Nasrudin, "I only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the villagers but the stupidest ran off to spr

Better late than never.

We have reason to be afraid. This is a terrible place.

There's no justice in this world.

If Beethoven's Seventh Symphony is not by some means abridged, it will soon fall into disuse.

The first requisite for immortality is death.

Turn the other cheek.

Aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star.

It is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final.

Would it help if I got out and pushed?

Who goeth a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing.

Men's skin is different from women's skin. It is usually bigger, and it has more snakes tattooed on it. Also, if you examine a woman's skin very closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently tracing the slender curve of her cal

If ever the pleasure of one has to be bought by the pain of the other, there better be no trade. A trade by which one gains and the other loses is a fraud.

Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very opposite applies with the judges.

The ultimate game show will be the one where somebody gets killed at the end.

And tomorrow will be like today, only more so.

Then, gently touching my face, she hesitated for a moment as her incredible eyes poured forth into mine love, joy, pain, tragedy, acceptance, and peace. "'Bye for now," she said warmly.

Why be a man when you can be a success?

Nothing succeeds like excess.

It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look, which morally we can do. T

Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.

I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.

... before I could come to any conclusion it occurred to me that my speech or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility. What did it matter what anyone knew or ignored? What did it matter who was manager? One gets sometimes s

The eye is a menace to clear sight, the ear is a menace to subtle hearing, the mind is a menace to wisdom, every organ of the senses is a menace to its own capacity. ... Fuss, the god of the Southern Ocean, and Fret, the god of the Northern Ocean, h

Five bicycles make a volkswagen, seven make a truck.

There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Pope.

Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away someone else's cash.

If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, it might well prolong his life.

It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back.

Sorry 'bout that sweat, honey. That's just holy water.

Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt. [Confound those who have said our remarks before us.] or [May they perish who have expressed our bright ideas before us.]

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

He who fears the unknown may one day flee from his own backside.

Not all who own a harp are harpers.

Necessity hath no law.

The whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively.

Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like.

Lookie, lookie, here comes cookie...

"Do you think there's a God?" "Well, ____SOMEbody's out to get me!"

Education and religion are two things not regulated by supply and demand. The less of either the people have, the less they want.

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

Business will be either better or worse.

The last vestiges of the old Republic have been swept away.

"The jig's up, Elman." "Which jig?"

Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement.

I'll never get off this planet.

Divorce is a game played by lawyers.

Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, but remember, it didn't help the rabbit.

Rotten wood cannot be carved.

When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.

There is no better way of exercising the imagination than the study of law. No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets truth.

Lo! Men have become the tool of their tools.

You have all eternity to be cautious in when you're dead.

Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more spectacular adventure starring... Tippy, the Wonder Dog!

History is nothing but a collection of fables and useless trifles, cluttered up with a mass of unnecessary figures and proper names.

Someday, Weederman, we'll look back on all this and laugh... It will probably be one of those deep, eerie ones that slowly builds to a blood-curdling maniacal scream... but still it will be a laugh.

A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students.

"If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far."

Look before you leap.

Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them.

Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather a new wearer of clothes.

We are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one.

I'll turn over a new leaf.

A violent man will die a violent death.

Well, he thought, since neither Aristotelian Logic nor the disciplines of Science seemed to offer much hope, it's time to go beyond them... Drawing a few deep even breaths, he entered a mental state practiced only by Masters of the Universal Way of

[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity: (1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a

Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.

Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?

What we wish, that we readily believe.

To do two things at once is to do neither.

He who writes with no misspelled words has prevented a first suspicion on the limits of his scholarship or, in the social world, of his general education and culture.

A priest asked: What is Fate, Master? And the Master answered: It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence. It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs. It is that which has caused nations to build bywa

Why am I so soft in the middle when the rest of my life is so hard?

Alas, I am dying beyond my means.

No evil can happen to a good man.

You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.

You can never do just one thing.

An atom-blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways.

Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves.

Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two points.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. My advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Too much of everything is just enough.

Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which millionaires tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth.

One learns to itch where one can scratch.

Some women should be beaten regularly, like gongs.

If you live long enough, you'll see that every victory turns into a defeat.

We are what we pretend to be.

A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

per year.

Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental Anguish. You would sue: * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions

In my experience, if you have to keep the lavatory door shut by extending your left leg, it's modern architecture.

With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time they make a law it's a joke.

Facts, apart from their relationships, are like labels on empty bottles.

I paid a visit to my local precinct in Greenwich Village and asked a sergeant to show me some rape statistics. He politely obliged. That month there had been thirty-five rape complaints, an advance of ten over the same month for the previous year.

When in doubt, have a man come through the door with a gun in his hand.

Believe everything you hear about the world; nothing is too impossibly bad.

God help those who do not help themselves.

The trouble with superheros is what to do between phone booths.

Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental Anguish. You would sue: * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions

The problem that we thought was a problem was, indeed, a problem, but not the problem we thought was the problem.

I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men

There's no such thing as a free lunch.

A full belly makes a dull brain.

I'm going to raise an issue and stick it in your ear.

A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!" "However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."

There has been a little distress selling on the stock exchange.

The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose.

I consider a new device or technology to have been culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder.

What makes you think graduate school is supposed to be satisfying?

When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.

A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

A man's house is his castle.

Human resources are human first, and resources second.

He that composes himself is wiser than he that composes a book.

The greatest productive force is human selfishness.

Fortune and love befriend the bold.

We have nowhere else to go... this is all we have.

Do not despair of life. You have no doubt force enough to overcome your obstacles. Think of the fox prowling through wood and field in a winter night for something to satisfy his hunger. Notwithstanding cold and hounds and traps, his race survives

Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.

We have art that we do not die of the truth.

All men know the utility of useful things; but they do not know the utility of futility.

Who does not trust enough will not be trusted.

No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.

Life is too short to be taken seriously.

We're only in it for the volume.

Many of the characters are fools and they are always playing tricks on me and treating me badly.

The great question that has never been answered and which I have not yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul is: WHAT DOES A WOMAN WANT?

He that teaches himself has a fool for a master.

The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his memos.

If you hype something and it succeeds, you're a genius

Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.

Maybe ain't ain't so correct, but I notice that lots of folks who ain't using ain't ain't eatin' well.

No poet or novelist wishes he was the only one who ever lived, but most of them wish they were the only one alive, and quite a number fondly believe their wish has been granted.

Love may laugh at locksmiths, but he has a profound respect for money bags.

True to our past we work with an inherited, observed, and accepted vision of personal futility, and of the beauty of the world.

The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes. Let the reader catch his own breath.

There are two ways of disliking art. One is to dislike it. The other is to like it rationally.

"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away".

Hard reality has a way of cramping your style.

Getting into trouble is easy.

Education is what survives when what has been learnt has been forgotten.

Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort of like a shell leaving the nut behind.

The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobb

Mike: "The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?" Bernie: "Nobody ever empties the ashtrays. People are SO inconsiderate."

A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.

Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little more time for dreaming.

A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.

Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't, don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck.

From the cradle to the coffin underwear comes first.

Credit ... is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man.

Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting.

The road to Hades is easy to travel.

I never made a mistake in my life. I thought I did once, but I was wrong.

I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some kind of loophole.

Thou hast seen nothing yet.

Time goes, you say? Ah no! Time stays, *we* go.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If somebody gets handed a name like "H.

Porsche: there simply is no substitute.

You climb to reach the summit, but once there, discover that all roads lead down.

When you die, you lose a very important part of your life.

Home is where the hurt is.

I just asked myself... what would John DeLorean do?

Satire is tragedy plus time.

Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much better.

Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours.

Facts are the enemy of truth.