Fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches.

Men freely believe that what they wish to desire.

I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two highly trained certified public accountants.

Nothing recedes like success.

Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with a valentine.

The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because it isn't here.

Better late than never.

History is nothing but a collection of fables and useless trifles, cluttered up with a mass of unnecessary figures and proper names.

If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell.

It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion.

The longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate.

Fame lost its appeal for me when I went into a public restroom and an autograph seeker handed me a pen and paper under the stall door.

What makes you think graduate school is supposed to be satisfying?

Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves.

What you don't know won't help you much either.

Patience is the best remedy for every trouble.

Very few blacks will take up golf until the requirement for plaid pants is dropped.

Public use of any portable music system is a virtually guaranteed indicator of sociopathic tendencies.

Haste makes waste.

Diary of a Young Girl LITE(tm)

Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses, is in the eye of the beholder.

NEW YORK

An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him. "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a mi

"Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong."

In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment was expressed by Thomas K. Co

Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored.

Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high, they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.

Kindness is the beginning of cruelty.

We know next to nothing about virtually everything. It is not necessary to know the origin of the universe; it is necessary to want to know. Civilization depends not on any particular knowledge, but on the disposition to crave knowledge.

Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it.

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back the when it begins to rain.

If you want divine justice, die.

Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade, since it consists principally of dealings with men.

Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know.

I have ways of making money that you know nothing of.

Nothing will ever be attempted if all possible objections must be first overcome.

A journey of a thousand miles starts under one's feet.

With all the talent around, it's sort of amazing that a woman could be up here with us.

It is not enough that I should succeed. Others must fail.

The `loner' may be respected, but he is always resented by his colleagues, for he seems to be passing a critical judgment on them, when he may be simply making a limiting statement about himself.

Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of government, therefore,

Mental power tended to corrupt, and absolute intelligence tended to corrupt absolutely, until the victim eschewed violence entirely in favor of smart solutions to stupid problems.

It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish.

Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.

All phone calls are obscene.

In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence ... in time every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is incompetent to carry out its duties ... Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their

Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they would. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect that much.

Call on God, but row away from the rocks.

If God is One, what is bad?

What we do not understand we do not possess.

The tree in which the sap is stagnant remains fruitless.

"You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten."

I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of the sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for you are loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway.

My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed.

In dwelling, be close to the land. In meditation, delve deep into the heart. In dealing with others, be gentle and kind. In speech, be true. In work, be competent. In action, be careful of your timing.

Standards are different for all things, so the standard set by man is by no means the only 'certain' standard. If you mistake what is relative for something certain, you have strayed far from the ultimate truth.

Adde parvum parvo manus acervus erit. [Add little to little and there will be a big pile.]

Exxon's 'Universe of Energy' tends to the peculiar rather than the humorous ... After [an incomprehensible film montage about wind and sun and rain and strip mines and] two or three minutes of mechanical confusion, the seats locomote through a short

From the cradle to the coffin underwear comes first.

All hope abandon, ye who enter here!

The chief cause of problems is solutions.

Ben, why didn't you tell me?

XLI: The more one produces, the less one gets. XLII: Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite testing. XLIII: Hardware works best when it matters the least. XLIV: Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a we

Every young man should have a hobby: learning how to handle money is the best one.

Fourteen years in the professor dodge has taught me that one can argue ingeniously on behalf of any theory, applied to any piece of literature. This is rarely harmful, because normally no-one reads such essays.

One of your most ancient writers, a historian named Herodotus, tells of a thief who was to be executed. As he was taken away he made a bargain with the king: in one year he would teach the king's favorite horse to sing hymns. The other prisoners wa

When the sun shineth, make hay.

Mike: "The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?" Bernie: "Nobody ever empties the ashtrays. People are SO inconsiderate."

There are many of us in this old world of ours who hold that things break about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get about the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summer and the poor get it in the winter.

Well, we'll really have a party, but we've gotta post a guard outside.

Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to exactly the point of most pressure.

A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.

How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?

And tomorrow will be like today, only more so.

were found to be wearing neckwear that was tighter than their neck circumference. The visual discrimination of the 22 subjects was evaluated using a critical flicker frequency (CFF) test. Results of the CFF test indicated that tight neckwear signifi

Immature artists imitate, mature artists steal.

It is only the man whose intellect is clouded by his sexual impulse that could give the name of the fair sex to that undersized, narrow-shouldered, broad-hipped, and short-legged race.

L'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare.

Not to laugh, not to lament, not to curse, but to understand.

Nothing succeeds like excess.

"Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever

It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our offense consists in doubting it.

Knowledge is power.

The ideal voice for radio may be defined as showing no substance, no sex, no owner, and a message of importance for every housewife.

The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobb

Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves.

Would it help if I got out and pushed?

Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.

In spite of everything, I still believe that people are good at heart.

What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.

The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind.

Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.

You are never given a wish without also being given the power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however.

Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist drivel; Star Trek can turn your brains to puree of bat guano; and the greatest science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll take you all on, one-by-one or all in a bunc

When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.

When the speaker and he to whom he is speaks do not understand, that is metaphysics.

Look, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters, con-men. That's the way businesses get started. That's the way this country was built.

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.

A snake lurks in the grass.

The salary of the chief executive of the large corporation is not a market award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal gesture by the individual to himself.

Luck, that's when preparation and opportunity meet.

I used to be disgusted, now I find I'm just amused.

I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.

Catharsis is something I associate with pornography and crossword puzzles.

If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.

A rolling stone gathers no moss.

He who fears the unknown may one day flee from his own backside.

For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.

To accuse others for one's own misfortunes is a sign of want of education. To accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun. To accuse neither oneself nor others shows that one's education is complete.

The most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage in the country is the one on which you resell it.

My father, a good man, told me, "Never lose your ignorance; you cannot replace it."

One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to represent a creative meeting, and the ratio c

The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes, respectability and children. Nothing can lift those seven milestones from man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the milestones are lifted.

I consider a new device or technology to have been culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder.

This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with great force.

I am a man: nothing human is alien to me.

Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money.

Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic table.

Money doesn't talk, it swears.

Never tell people how to do things. Tell them WHAT to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.

Without adventure, civilization is in full decay.

Like ya know? Rock 'N Roll is an esoteric language that unlocks the creativity chambers in people's brains, and like totally activates their essential hipness, which of course is like totally necessary for saving the earth, like because the first th

One picture is worth more than ten thousand words.

Why be a man when you can be a success?

Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak!

Chance is perhaps the work of God when He did not want to sign.

Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of government, therefore,

Think sideways!

Competitive fury is not always anger. It is the true missionary's courage and zeal in facing the possibility that one's best may not be enough.

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.

If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to get the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. See in college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving the natural method of teaching what each

The white race is the cancer of history.

The major sin is the sin of being born.

Words have a longer life than deeds.

"We're not talking about the same thing," he said. "For you the world is weird because if you're not bored with it you're at odds with it. For me the world is weird because it is stupendous, awesome, mysterious, unfathomable; my interest has been to

"If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination."

Time as he grows old teaches all things.

In charity there is no excess.

To know Edina is to reject it.

Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine.

You have to run as fast as you can just to stay where you are. If you want to get anywhere, you'll have to run much faster.

The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch someone else doing it wrong, without commenting.

My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.

Small is beautiful.

Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for even the greatest fool may ask more the the wisest man can answer.

While there's life, there's hope.

The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars."

Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours.

Whatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts.

Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l.

Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch" may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used whe

Ignorance is never out of style. It was in fashion yesterday, it is the rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow.

A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.

Divorce is a game played by lawyers.

In my end is my beginning.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it.

The man who has never been flogged has never been taught.

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.

Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth *___and* fresher

Moneyliness is next to Godliness.

It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off the ground.

Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even worse.

The Israelis are the Doberman pinschers of the Middle East. They treat the Arabs like postmen.

Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall.

"Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun."

Prizes are for children.

CF&C stole it, fair and square.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

The only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane.

You cannot see the wood for the trees.

Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two points.

What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence.

It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.

You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.

An actor's a guy who if you ain't talkin' about him, ain't listening.

It is better to live rich than to die rich.

I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.

"If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination."

I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.

Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas" until you are told that those rooms are "punched out." Once punched out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such.

Never buy what you do not want because it is cheap; it will be dear to you.

Too much of everything is just enough.

True to our past we work with an inherited, observed, and accepted vision of personal futility, and of the beauty of the world.

The 'A' is for content, the 'minus' is for not typing it. Don't ever do this to my eyes again.

To do two things at once is to do neither.

Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education is what you get when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't.

Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she lived with was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always getting pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to the farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd w

Three o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too late or a little too early for anything you want to do.

I know not how I came into this, shall I call it a dying life or a living death?

"I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path."

Live fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway!

Praise the sea; on shore remain.

A woman's a woman until the day she dies, but a man's only a man as long as he can.

IV. The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. Such an object is inevitably price

A place for everything and everything in its place.

Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in.

If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly.

He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news.

If it doesn't smell yet, it's pretty fresh.

Faith is under the left nipple.

God help those who do not help themselves.

She was good at playing abstract confusion in the same way a midget is good at being short.

XXI: It's easy to get a loan unless you need it. XXII: If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock, not selling advice. XXIII: Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is currently estimated. XXIV:

Art is a lie which makes us realize the truth.

Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.

We're fantastically incredibly sorry for all these extremely unreasonable things we did. I can only plead that my simple, barely-sentient friend and myself are underprivileged, deprived and also college students.

Immature poets imitate, mature poets steal.

Who goeth a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing.

Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry.