Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade. But the wisdom of our ances

The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.

Another day, another dollar.

If you aren't rich you should always look useful.

It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.

Never promise more than you can perform.

Grig (the navigator): ... so you see, it's just the two of us against the entire space armada. Alex (the gunner): What?!? Grig: I've always wanted to fight a desperate battle against overwhelming odds. Alex: It'll be a slaughter! Grig: That'

I know on which side my bread is buttered.

What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence.

"Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever

It is often the case that the man who can't tell a lie thinks he is the best judge of one.

If we suffer tamely a lawless attack upon our liberty, we encourage it, and involve others in our doom.

XI: If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would get twice as much done. If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty times as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all the managers would fly off. XII: I

Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic table.

Remark of Dr. Baldwin's concerning upstarts: We don't care to eat toadstools that think they are truffles.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

The fact that it works is immaterial.

For fools rush in where angels fear to tread.

Necessity hath no law.

Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all.

If Karl, instead of writing a lot about Capital, had made a lot of Capital, it would have been much better.

Whenever anyone says, "theoretically," they really mean, "not really."

What's a cult? It just means not enough people to make a minority.

Moneyliness is next to Godliness.

Better tried by twelve than carried by six.

To use violence is to already be defeated.

The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.

When the ax entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us!"

Nothing succeeds like excess.

A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him.

A dream will always triumph over reality, once it is given the chance.

Those who do things in a noble spirit of self-sacrifice are to be avoided at all costs.

Politics is the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn't happen.

You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day.

Perhaps the remembrance of these things will prove a source of future pleasure.

The more the merrier.

Historians have now definitely established that Juan Cabrillo, discoverer of California, was not looking for Kansas, thus setting a precedent that continues to this day.

"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"

Reality is bad enough, why should I tell the truth?

My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it.

Many a sober Christian would rather admit that a wafer is God than that God is a cruel and capricious tyrant.

In the plot, people came to the land; the land loved them; they worked and struggled and had lots of children. There was a Frenchman who talked funny and a greenhorn from England who was a fancy-pants but when it came to the crunch he was all courag

Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop writing.

All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for fun. Money's just the way we keep score.

"When are you BUTTHEADS gonna learn that you can't oppose Gestapo tactics *with* Gestapo tactics?"

The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.

It is easy to find fault, if one has that disposition. There was once a man who, not being able to find any other fault with his coal, complained that there were too many prehistoric toads in it.

The most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage in the country is the one on which you resell it.

There appears to be irrefutable evidence that the mere fact of overcrowding induces violence.

If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end.

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.

I understand why you're confused. You're thinking too much.

I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock.

He thinks the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived.

Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent and original in your work.

Since everything in life is but an experience perfect in being what it is, having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well burst out in laughter.

There is a good deal of solemn cant about the common interests of capital and labour. As matters stand, their only common interest is that of cutting each other's throat.

He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him.

You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company.

Piece of cake!

Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses, is in the eye of the beholder.

The Russians have put a small ball up in the air. That does not raise my apprehensions one iota.

Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of government, therefore,

The better the state is established, the fainter is humanity. To make the individual uncomfortable, that is my task.

Gratitude and treachery are merely the two extremities of the same procession. You have seen all of it that is worth staying for when the band and the gaudy officials have gone by.

Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity. They seem more afraid of life than death.

The Soviet Union, which has complained recently about alleged anti-Soviet themes in American advertising, lodged an official protest this week against the Ford Motor Company's new campaign: "Hey you stinking, fat Russian, get off my Ford Escort."

A witty saying proves nothing.

Big book, big bore.

A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around she deserved.

"It's kind of fun to do the impossible."

Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.

The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, "How's the President?"

Let your conscience be your guide.

It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire.

He who renders warfare fatal to all engaged in it will be the greatest benefactor the world has yet known.

May you live in uninteresting times.

Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women it is merely a good excuse not to play football.

Nothing endures but change.

If God is One, what is bad?

Joe Cool always spends the first two weeks at college sailing his frisbee.

The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animals. Some of their most esteemed inventions have no other apparent purpose, for example, the dinner party of more than two, the epic poem, and the

Armenians and Azerbaijanis in Stepanakert, capital of the Nagorno-Karabakh autonomous region, rioted over much needed spelling reform in the Soviet Union.

He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry attacks democracy itself.

"I understand this is your first dead client," Sabian was saying. The absurdity of the statement made me want to laugh but they don't call me Deadpan Allie and lie.

The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization.

... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat. It is not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery.

It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something.

I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike.

"It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country. The Greeks never said it was sweet to die for anything. They had no vital lies."

We cannot put the face of a person on a stamp unless said person is deceased. My suggestion, therefore, is that you drop dead.

Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.

"Spare no expense to save money on this one."

There are people who find it odd to eat four or five Chinese meals in a row; in China, I often remind them, there are a billion or so people who find nothing odd about it.

The primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO" represents the secondary theme: Law Enforcement Officials The overall theme of SoupCon shall be: Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials

We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it - and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that is well; but also she will never

If you lose a son you can always get another, but there's only one Maltese Falcon.

Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations Various signs in Poland: Right turn toward immediate outside. Go soothingly in the snow, as there lurk the ski demons. Five o'clock tea at all hours. In a men's washroom in Sidney:

Practice yourself what you preach.

... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.

A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

To defend the Saigon regime is not worth one more human life.

I steal.

Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

Brahma said: Well, after hearing ten thousand explanations, a fool is no wiser. But an intelligent man needs only two thousand five hundred.

An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him. "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a mi

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.

... we must not judge the society of the future by considering whether or not we should like to live in it; the question is whether those who have grown up in it will be happier than those who have grown up in our society or those of the past.

War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military.

A good question is never answered. It is not a bolt to be tightened into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the hope of greening the landscape of idea.

"Remember, if it's being done correctly, here or abroad, it's ___not the U.S. Army doing it!"

They're giving bank robbing a bad name.

San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.

The man who has never been flogged has never been taught.

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

You may my glories and my state dispose, But not my griefs; still am I king of those.

All the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow.

The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power.

Govern a great nation as you would cook a small fish. Don't overdo it.

There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish.

The Public is merely a multiplied "me."

When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.

Maybe ain't ain't so correct, but I notice that lots of folks who ain't using ain't ain't eatin' well.

Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases.

Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know any more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he doesn't know much.

Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in.

Immature artists imitate, mature artists steal.

But if you wish at once to do nothing and to be respectable nowdays, the best pretext is to be at work on some profound study.

Living in New York City gives people real incentives to want things that nobody else wants.

No two persons ever read the same book.

Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think about sex at all... they become lawyers.

My only love sprung from my only hate! Too early seen unknown, and known too late!

Neckties strangle clear thinking.

Odets, where is thy sting?

All art is but imitation of nature.

There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary as 'unearned income.'

I do desire we may be better strangers.

The time was the 19th of May, 1780. The place was Hartford, Connecticut. The day has gone down in New England history as a terrible foretaste of Judgement Day. For at noon the skies turned from blue to grey and by mid-afternoon had blackened over s

AWAKE! FEAR! FIRE! FOES! AWAKE! FEAR! FIRE! FOES! AWAKE! AWAKE!

None love the bearer of bad news.

In my experience, if you have to keep the lavatory door shut by extending your left leg, it's modern architecture.

"Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around, I'd rather lie around. No contest."

If we can ever make red tape nutritional, we can feed the world.

General notions are generally wrong.

I always wake up at the crack of ice.

A rolling stone gathers no moss.

Rascal, am I? Take THAT!

You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable doubt.

Time goes, you say? Ah no! Time stays, *we* go.

It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish.

If they were so inclined, they could impeach him because they don't like his necktie.

If a guru falls in the forest with no one to hear him, was he really a guru at all?

When the sun shineth, make hay.

He that composes himself is wiser than he that composes a book.

If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.

If God wanted us to have a President, He would have sent us a candidate.

... "fire" does not matter, "earth" and "air" and "water" do not matter. "I" do not matter. No word matters. But man forgets reality and remembers words. The more words he remembers, the cleverer do his fellows esteem him. He looks upon the great

The Least Successful Executions History has furnished us with two executioners worthy of attention. The first performed in Sydney in Australia. In 1803 three attempts were made to hang a Mr. Joseph Samuels. On the first two of these the rope snap

Robert Kennedy's 1964 Senatorial campaign planners told him that their intention was to present him to the television viewers as a sincere, generous person. "You going to use a double?" asked Kennedy. Thumbing through a promotional pamphlet prep

The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his memos.

Charity begins at home.

Do not seek death; death will find you. But seek the road which makes death a fulfillment.

"I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it."

A man's house is his castle.

To add insult to injury.

A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students.

We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. But there was also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song at a French restaurant. [...] I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of her milk w

"It's a summons." "What's a summons?" "It means summon's in trouble."

I love treason but hate a traitor.

The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine we own.

I never made a mistake in my life. I thought I did once, but I was wrong.

God gave man two ears and one tongue so that we listen twice as much as we speak.

Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.

Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed down-stairs a step at a time.

The smallest worm will turn being trodden on.

'Naomi, sex at noon taxes.' I moan. Never odd or even. A man, a plan, a canal, Panama. Madam, I'm Adam. Sit on a potato pan, Otis. Sit on Otis.

Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.

It took a while to surface, but it appears that a long-distance credit card may have saved a U.S. Army unit from heavy casualties during the Grenada military rescue/invasion. Major General David Nichols, Air Force ... said the Army unit was in a hous

Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in.

Out of sight is out of mind.

I dote on his very absence.

The only alliance I would make with the Women's Liberation Movement is in bed.

Serfs up!

Mike: "The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?" Bernie: "Nobody ever empties the ashtrays. People are SO inconsiderate."

How should they answer?

Nothing, nothing, nothing, no error, no crime is so absolutely repugnant to God as everything which is official; and why? because the official is so impersonal and therefore the deepest insult which can be offered to a personality.

The first sign of corruption in a society that is still alive is that the end justifies the means.

Writing is turning one's worst moments into money.

I am not a politician and my other habits are also good.

Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home tool sets for under $4?" An excellent question. Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where they

America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room. Every time it wags its tail, it knocks over a chair.

We're living in a golden age. All you need is gold.

A little bit of rape is good for a man's soul.

Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend.

Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these.

Practice is the best of all instructors.

HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., motion that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate amendment making changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. The Senate amendment was an amendment to the

I am a deeply superficial person.

Politics are almost as exciting as war, and quite as dangerous. In war, you can only be killed once.

The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first.

For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.

"A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a good many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious scruples and the police."

If we see the light at the end of the tunnel, it's the light of an oncoming train.

... but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women were convicted of witch

Our swords shall play the orators for us.

That's where the money was.

Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves.