Out of sight is out of mind.

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.

So you think that money is the root of all evil. Have you ever asked what is the root of money?

There's no such thing as an original sin.

Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt?

Life is too short to be taken seriously.

One hundred women are not worth a single testicle.

One big pile is better than two little piles.

Just remember, wherever you go, there you are.

The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine we own.

Better late than never.

To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D.

The chief cause of problems is solutions.

Satire is tragedy plus time.

I recognize terror as the finest emotion and so I will try to terrorize the reader. But if I find that I cannot terrify, I will try to horrify, and if I find that I cannot horrify, I'll go for the gross-out.

"Well, it's garish, ugly, and derelicts have used it for a toilet. The rides are dilapidated to the point of being lethal, and could easily maim or kill innocent little children." "Oh, so you don't like it?" "Don't like it? I'm CRAZY for it."

Show business is just like high school, except you get paid.

A dead man cannot bite.

I didn't believe in reincarnation in any of my other lives. I don't see why I should have to believe in it in this one.

Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.

If I love you, what business is it of yours?

Once, I read that a man be never stronger than when he truly realizes how weak he is.

He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news.

A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.

My tears stuck in their little ducts, refusing to be jerked.

The error of youth is to believe that intelligence is a substitute for experience, while the error of age is to believe experience is a substitute for intelligence.

If you sell diamonds, you cannot expect to have many customers. But a diamond is a diamond even if there are no customers.

Ain't no right way to do a wrong thing.

The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars."

In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty lashes with the cat or the dog,

The philosopher's treatment of a question is like the treatment of an illness.

The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.

The only certainty is that nothing is certain.

It'll be just like Beggars' Canyon back home.

Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground

If you know the answer to a question, don't ask.

Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest r

Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business. Cheat.

Fame lost its appeal for me when I went into a public restroom and an autograph seeker handed me a pen and paper under the stall door.

The future not being born, my friend, we will abstain from baptizing it.

Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even worse.

We'll be recording at the Paradise Friday night. Live, on the Death label.

Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief.

What you don't know won't help you much either.

So little time, so little to do.

"You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten."

A critic is a bundle of biases held loosely together by a sense of taste.

It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look, which morally we can do. T

... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *___did* quote anybody in this business, it probably would be gibberish.

Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich and powerful know that he is.

The best you get is an even break.

Every man who has reached even his intellectual teens begins to suspect that life is no farce; that it is not genteel comedy even; that it flowers and fructifies on the contrary out of the profoundest tragic depths of the essential death in which its

The true way goes over a rope which is not stretched at any great height but just above the ground. It seems more designed to make people stumble than to be walked upon.

Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.

Non-Determinism is not meant to be reasonable.

Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.

Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to exactly the point of most pressure.

The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late and owns the worm farm.

What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.

If you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk. If you wish to be happy for three days, get married. If you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it. If you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish.

Fortune's Guide to Freshman Notetaking: WHEN THE PROFESSOR SAYS: YOU WRITE: Probably the greatest quality of the poetry John Milton

I went into the business for the money, and the art grew out of it. If people are disillusioned by that remark, I can't help it. It's the truth.

Time goes, you say? Ah no! Time stays, *we* go.

We have lingered long enough on the shores of the Cosmic Ocean.

One of my favorite jokes, a telling commentary on Jewish mothers' capacity to lay on guilt, involves the mother who gave her son two neckties on Chanuka. The boy hurried into his bedroom, ripped off the tie he was wearing, put on one of the ties his

For every bloke who makes his mark, there's half a dozen waiting to rub it out.

... why should you waste a single moment of *your* life seeming to be something you don't want to be? Lord, that's so simple. If you hate your job, quit it. If your friends are tedious, go out and find new friends. You are queer, you lucky fool, a

I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some kind of loophole.

For myself, I can only say that I am astonished and somewhat terrified at the results of this evening's experiments. Astonished at the wonderful power you have developed, and terrified at the thought that so much hideous and bad music may be put on

God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.

The course of true anything never does run smooth.

There is no better way of exercising the imagination than the study of law. No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets truth.

The man who has never been flogged has never been taught.

In Hollywood, all marriages are happy. It's trying to live together afterwards that causes the problems.

Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult.

He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know.

We are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one.

He who fears the unknown may one day flee from his own backside.

Great acts are made up of small deeds.

An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition.

A sequel is an admission that you've been reduced to imitating yourself.

I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two highly trained certified public accountants.

There is a good deal of solemn cant about the common interests of capital and labour. As matters stand, their only common interest is that of cutting each other's throat.

Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she lived with was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always getting pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to the farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd w

The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie.

All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies.

If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.

There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

Men will fuck mud.

Illusion is the first of all pleasures.

Love may laugh at locksmiths, but he has a profound respect for money bags.

Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion.

Reality is just a convenient measure of complexity.

Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground

Brahma said: Well, after hearing ten thousand explanations, a fool is no wiser. But an intelligent man needs only two thousand five hundred.

He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him.

Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.

Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.

Just once I would like to persuade the audience not to wear any article of blue denim. If only they could see themselves in a pair of brown corduroys like mine instead of this awful, boring blue denim. I don't enjoy the sky or sea as much as I used

"It's kind of fun to do the impossible."

One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to represent a creative meeting, and the ratio c

It is bad luck to be superstitious.

My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my family, it seems, begins where yours left off.

Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves.

Prizes are for children.

If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.

Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very opposite applies with the judges.

There is nothing new except what has been forgotten.

Sweet April showers do spring May flowers.

She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.

Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.

The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves.

Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away someone else's cash.

Sensible and responsible women do not want to vote.

An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest.

I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike.

Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.

Music in the soul can be heard by the universe.

The longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate.

You get what you pay for.

She ran the gamut of emotions from 'A' to 'B'.

It is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have to do, that makes life blessed.

The white race is the cancer of history.

Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt. [Confound those who have said our remarks before us.] or [May they perish who have expressed our bright ideas before us.]

An actor's a guy who if you ain't talkin' about him, ain't listening.

Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.

Well begun is half done.

In the highest society, as well as in the lowest, woman is merely an instrument of pleasure.

Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long.

The only happiness lies in reason; all the rest of the world is dismal. The highest reason, however, I see in the work of the artist, and he may experience it as such. Happiness lies in the swiftness of feeling and thinking: all the rest of the worl

If a guru falls in the forest with no one to hear him, was he really a guru at all?

Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around us in awareness.

Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.

"MOKE DAT YIGARETTE"

"If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination."

... but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women were convicted of witch

Never buy what you do not want because it is cheap; it will be dear to you.

If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it around. Trouble creates a capacity to handle it. I don't say embrace trouble; that's as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say meet it as a friend, for you'll see a lot of it and y

No evil can happen to a good man.

Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very opposite applies with the judges.

The average Ph.D thesis is nothing but the transference of bones from one graveyard to another.

Authors (and perhaps columnists) eventually rise to the top of whatever depths they were once able to plumb.

But you shall not escape my iambics.

With women, I've got a long bamboo pole with a leather loop on the end of it. I slip the loop around their necks so they can't get away or come too close. Like catching snakes.

I am a man: nothing human is alien to me.

There is no proverb that is not true.

Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.

History is nothing but a collection of fables and useless trifles, cluttered up with a mass of unnecessary figures and proper names.

The proof of the pudding is in the eating.

The Anglo-Saxon conscience does not prevent the Anglo-Saxon from sinning, it merely prevents him from enjoying his sin.

Man must shape his tools lest they shape him.

Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education is what you get when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't.

Satire is what closes Saturday night.

The superior man understands what is right; the inferior man understands what will sell.

At ebb tide I wrote a line upon the sand, and gave it all my heart and all my soul. At flood tide I returned to read what I had inscribed and found my ignorance upon the shore.

Solipsists of the World... you are already united.

The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions.

If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism.

Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know.

There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Pope.

As Gen. de Gaulle occassionally acknowledges America to be the daughter of Europe, so I am pleased to come to Yale, the daughter of Harvard.

... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If somebody gets handed a name like "H.

My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.

Look ere ye leap.

The man who runs may fight again.

Well, the handwriting is on the floor.

Plastic... Aluminum... These are the inheritors of the Universe! Flesh and Blood have had their day... and that day is past!

Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they had towels from my house.

Bullwinkle: You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the outfit. General: What does that make YOU? Bullwinkle: What else? An executive.

The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth.

Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.

Very few people do anything creative after the age of thirty-five. The reason is that very few people do anything creative before the age of thirty-five.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

What makes you think graduate school is supposed to be satisfying?

It's from Casablanca. I've been waiting all my life to use that line.

"There is no Father Christmas. It's just a marketing ploy to make low income parents' lives a misery." "... I want you to picture the trusting face of a child, streaked with tears because of what you just said." "I want you to picture the face of

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

"Necessity is the mother of invention" is a silly proverb. "Necessity is the mother of futile dodges" is much nearer the truth.

I have just enough white in me to make my honesty questionable.

If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life.

Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort of like a shell leaving the nut behind.

We are what we pretend to be.

"Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever

It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim of infanticide.

Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations. He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan, then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open market. If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarri

The world wants to be deceived.

Every young man should have a hobby: learning how to handle money is the best one.

One learns to itch where one can scratch.

A witty saying proves nothing.

In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment was expressed by Thomas K. Co

What does education often do? It makes a straight cut ditch of a free meandering brook.

You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove.

I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs.

It is only by risking our persons from one hour to another that we live at all. And often enough our faith beforehand in an uncertified result is the only thing that makes the result come true.

If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish.

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.

Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak!

"Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever

Sic transit gloria mundi. [So passes away the glory of this world.]

Mundus vult decipi decipiatur ergo.

Why am I so soft in the middle when the rest of my life is so hard?

Practice yourself what you preach.

[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity: (1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a

It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish.

I know on which side my bread is buttered.

Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow!

The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak.