There is no sin but ignorance.

There must be more to life than having everything.

Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it's out of date.)

The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobb

Forgive and forget.

Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images.

A word to the wise is enough.

He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news.

Don't go to bed with no price on your head.

Anything that is worth doing has been done frequently. Things hitherto undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth.

There's nothing worse for your business than extra Santa Clauses smoking in the men's room.

Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses, is in the eye of the beholder.

Not to laugh, not to lament, not to curse, but to understand.

Perhaps no person can be a poet, or even enjoy poetry without a certain unsoundness of mind.

If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive!

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Well, he thought, since neither Aristotelian Logic nor the disciplines of Science seemed to offer much hope, it's time to go beyond them... Drawing a few deep even breaths, he entered a mental state practiced only by Masters of the Universal Way of

If it doesn't smell yet, it's pretty fresh.

"It's kind of fun to do the impossible."

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.

If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.

Among all savage beasts, none is found so harmful as woman.

Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget.

We're fantastically incredibly sorry for all these extremely unreasonable things we did. I can only plead that my simple, barely-sentient friend and myself are underprivileged, deprived and also college students.

The superior man understands what is right; the inferior man understands what will sell.

Ain't no right way to do a wrong thing.

The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go to erase it.

For fools rush in where angels fear to tread.

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

Plus ,ca change, plus c'est la m^eme chose. [The more things change, the more they remain the same.]

Words have a longer life than deeds.

The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch someone else doing it wrong, without commenting.

Luck can't last a lifetime, unless you die young.

The means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers, always end up on their ends without any means.

Never buy what you do not want because it is cheap; it will be dear to you.

If Beethoven's Seventh Symphony is not by some means abridged, it will soon fall into disuse.

If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know.

Great acts are made up of small deeds.

Use an accordion. Go to jail.

"Necessity is the mother of invention" is a silly proverb. "Necessity is the mother of futile dodges" is much nearer the truth.

We are governed not by armies and police but by ideas.

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.

"You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks."

May you live in uninteresting times.

The world is your exercise-book, the pages on which you do your sums. It is not reality, although you can express reality there if you wish. You are also free to write nonsense, or lies, or to tear the pages.

Who does not trust enough will not be trusted.

TV is chewing gum for the eyes.

Bullwinkle: You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the outfit. General: What does that make YOU? Bullwinkle: What else? An executive.

We have lingered long enough on the shores of the Cosmic Ocean.

I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike.

An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition.

"Do you think there's a God?" "Well, ____SOMEbody's out to get me!"

Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities, requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by tur

One good turn deserves another.

The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.

From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back. That is the point that must be reached.

Wishing without work is like fishing without bait.

[Maturity consists in the discovery that] there comes a critical moment where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand more and more that there is something which cannot be understood.

Honesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty.

Nothing endures but change.

Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral.

I hate dying.

She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.

A dead man cannot bite.

A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it.

An aphorism is never exactly true; it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths.

Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it.

Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge.

It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim of infanticide.

This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with great force.

There is always something new out of Africa.

Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to examine the laws of heat.

Divorce is a game played by lawyers.

Men will fuck mud.

To lead people, you must follow behind.

Rotten wood cannot be carved.

It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look, which morally we can do. T

Thou hast seen nothing yet.

A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation.

"Plaese porrf raed."

Piece of cake!

The ultimate game show will be the one where somebody gets killed at the end.

The eye is a menace to clear sight, the ear is a menace to subtle hearing, the mind is a menace to wisdom, every organ of the senses is a menace to its own capacity. ... Fuss, the god of the Southern Ocean, and Fret, the god of the Northern Ocean, h

Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to?

Illusion is the first of all pleasures.

If you hype something and it succeeds, you're a genius

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?

The world wants to be deceived.

Who's scruffy-looking?

If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism.

My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.

All the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow.

He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know.

Eighteen goddess-like daughters are not equal to one son with a hump.

It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the r

I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man.

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

A man is known by the company he organizes.

Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.

Turn the other cheek.

Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying.

The faster we go, the rounder we get.

Getting into trouble is easy.

Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very opposite applies with the judges.

The Least Successful Equal Pay Advertisement In 1976 the European Economic Community pointed out to the Irish Government that it had not yet implemented the agreed sex equality legislation. The Dublin Government immediately advertised for an equal

I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men

If men are not afraid to die, it is of no avail to threaten them with death. If men live in constant fear of dying, And if breaking the law means a man will be killed, Who will dare to break the law? There is always an official executioner. If

Life is the childhood of our immortality.

Never tell people how to do things. Tell them WHAT to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.

A sinking ship gathers no moss.

Love the sea? I dote upon it

The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine we own.

Chance is perhaps the work of God when He did not want to sign.

When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.

There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.

Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of government, therefore,

Women are nothing but machines for producing children.

One man's Mede is another man's Persian.

If the ends don't justify the means, then what does?

A good scapegoat is hard to find. A guilty conscience is the mother of invention.

If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry.

We're constantly being bombarded by insulting and humiliating music, which people are making for you the way they make those Wonder Bread products. Just as food can be bad for your system, music can be bad for your spirtual and emotional feelings. I

If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.

Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all.

I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.

Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and long were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his pain and his aloneness without regret?

The more laws and order are made prominent, the more thieves and robbers there will be.

Time as he grows old teaches all things.

If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women you've got in the house.

Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these.

Instead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better.

Education and religion are two things not regulated by supply and demand. The less of either the people have, the less they want.

Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule."

A witty saying proves nothing.

If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to get the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. See in college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving the natural method of teaching what each

When the ax entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us!"

Live fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway!

It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something.

'Naomi, sex at noon taxes.' I moan. Never odd or even. A man, a plan, a canal, Panama. Madam, I'm Adam. Sit on a potato pan, Otis. Sit on Otis.

A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.

For thee the wonder-working earth puts forth sweet flowers.

Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.

The only thing that experience teaches us is that experience teaches us nothing.

I'll turn over a new leaf.

After the game the king and the pawn go in the same box.

What we wish, that we readily believe.

I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some kind of loophole.

Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort of like a shell leaving the nut behind.

Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education is what you get when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't.

Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.

There is no cure for birth and death other than to enjoy the interval.

After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon to be created." "This is true," He replied.

The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning, and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished.

It's from Casablanca. I've been waiting all my life to use that line.

A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper.

We have nowhere else to go... this is all we have.

Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and resisting the current what each had

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away".

"There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him during the trial."

If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.

Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two points.

If ever the pleasure of one has to be bought by the pain of the other, there better be no trade. A trade by which one gains and the other loses is a fraud.

By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death.

... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *___did* quote anybody in this business, it probably would be gibberish.

Never look a gift horse in the mouth.

That's no moon...

Immature artists imitate, mature artists steal.

No house should ever be on any hill or on anything. It should be of the hill, belonging to it.

Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.

Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped.

There is more to life than increasing its speed.

If I could reach, I'd never leave the house.

It's hard to drive at the limit, but it's harder to know where the limits are.

Intellect annuls Fate. So far as a man thinks, he is free.

Rascal, am I? Take THAT!

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

Events are not affected, they develop.

Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse.

All men know the utility of useful things; but they do not know the utility of futility.

A journey of a thousand miles starts under one's feet.

"Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever

Wait for that wisest of all counselors, Time.

Walking on water wasn't built in a day.

There is nothing new except what has been forgotten.

Were there no women, men might live like gods.

Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his followers. One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She

The real purpose of books is to trap the mind into doing its own thinking.

He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him.

You k'n hide de fier, but w'at you gwine do wid de smoke?

It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim of infanticide.

To have died once is enough.

When you are at Rome live in the Roman style; when you are elsewhere live as they live elsewhere.

There is no fool to the old fool.

A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around she deserved.

Fear is the greatest salesman.

Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it.

If it were thought that anything I wrote was influenced by Robert Frost, I would take that particular work of mine, shred it, and flush it down the toilet, hoping not to clog the pipes. A more sententious, holding- forth old bore who expected every

When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the thing," it's the money.

Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think about sex at all... they become lawyers.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies, scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom.

Whom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods.

Practice is the best of all instructors.

The only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane.

Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia because they were liars. The truth was that Plato knew philosophers couldn't compete successfully with poets.

Never promise more than you can perform.