The Crown is full of it!

I have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per cent an idiot.

If a man loses his reverence for any part of life, he will lose his reverence for all of life.

Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away?

How apt the poor are to be proud.

In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus, "one when he was a boy and one when he was a man."

The hater of property and of government takes care to have his warranty deed recorded, and the book written against fame and learning has the author's name on the title page.

In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty lashes with the cat or the dog,

If I love you, what business is it of yours?

Serfs up!

Or you or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company.

You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.

He is now rising from affluence to poverty.

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.

I am a man: nothing human is alien to me.

You may my glories and my state dispose, But not my griefs; still am I king of those.

It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a sentence to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate in all times and situations. They presented him the words: "And this, too, shall pass away."

A snake lurks in the grass.

Awash with unfocused desire, Everett twisted the lobe of his one remaining ear and felt the presence of somebody else behind him, which caused terror to push through his nervous system like a flash flood roaring down the mid-fork of the Feather River

Sometimes I wonder if I'm in my right mind. Then it passes off and I'm as intelligent as ever.

There appears to be irrefutable evidence that the mere fact of overcrowding induces violence.

Hating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie, unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax.

If a guru falls in the forest with no one to hear him, was he really a guru at all?

He who has the courage to laugh is almost as much a master of the world as he who is ready to die.

Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks.

If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.

"Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever

Not all who own a harp are harpers.

IV. The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. Such an object is inevitably price

The rights and interests of the laboring man will be protected and cared for not by our labor agitators, but by the Christian men to whom God in his infinite wisdom has given control of property interests of the country, and upon the successful manag

Rome was not built in one day.

There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the existence of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any marginally competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat engine and make some other part of hell

Praise the sea; on shore remain.

[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity: (1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a

TO THOSE OF YOU WHO DESIRE IT, I GRANT YOU MADRAK'S BLESSING: Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you may have done or failed to do which requires for

Fourteen years in the professor dodge has taught me that one can argue ingeniously on behalf of any theory, applied to any piece of literature. This is rarely harmful, because normally no-one reads such essays.

They sentenced me to twenty years of boredom for trying to change the system from within. I'm coming now I'm coming to reward them. First we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin. I'm guided by a signal in the heavens. I'm guided by this birthmark

Tempt not a desperate man.

Your wig steers the gig.

The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them a real tax question, such as how you can cheat,

Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths good theatre.

If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.

He hath eaten me out of house and home.

Where there is much light there is also much shadow.

Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't, don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck.

Nice guys finish last.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

Think lucky. If you fall in a pond, check your pockets for fish.

A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation.

Things are not always what they seem.

Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop writing.

Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday.

When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship.

Majorities, of course, start with minorities.

Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.

Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a surprising amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one hand considered the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other hand were unwilling to risk offending God's g

It'll be just like Beggars' Canyon back home.

Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.

Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.

A woman takes off her claim to respect along with her garments.

"I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed. Oh, I know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people I don't know yet

Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental Anguish. You would sue: * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions

According to my best recollection, I don't remember.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

Lookie, lookie, here comes cookie...

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

An actor's a guy who if you ain't talkin' about him, ain't listening.

Woman is generally so bad that the difference between a good and a bad woman scarcely exists.

Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist drivel; Star Trek can turn your brains to puree of bat guano; and the greatest science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll take you all on, one-by-one or all in a bunc

Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with royal-blue chickens.

Here's to women. Would that we could fall into her arms without falling into her hands.

... a thing called Ethics, whose nature was confusing but if you had it you were a High-Class Realtor and if you hadn't you were a shyster, a piker and a fly-by-night. These virtues awakened Confidence and enabled you to handle Bigger Propositions.

Divorce is a game played by lawyers.

Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high, they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.

Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.

We all declare for liberty, but in using the same word we do not all mean the same thing.

I'm glad I was not born before tea.

There is always one thing to remember: writers are always selling somebody out.

Fast ship? You mean you've never heard of the Millennium Falcon?

Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.

Man must shape his tools lest they shape him.

Neckties strangle clear thinking.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

"Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school.

... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If somebody gets handed a name like "H.

If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it.

"What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you didn't believe in God." "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's not the mean and stupid Go

Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in.

If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life.

The problem that we thought was a problem was, indeed, a problem, but not the problem we thought was the problem.

I'd just as soon kiss a Wookie.

No poet or novelist wishes he was the only one who ever lived, but most of them wish they were the only one alive, and quite a number fondly believe their wish has been granted.

"Spare no expense to save money on this one."

Turn the other cheek.

Never buy what you do not want because it is cheap; it will be dear to you.

The life which is unexamined is not worth living.

Do not seek death; death will find you. But seek the road which makes death a fulfillment.

You never have to change anything you got up in the middle of the night to write.

Ben, why didn't you tell me?

O, it is excellent To have a giant's strength; but it is tyrannous To use it like a giant.

My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my family, it seems, begins where yours left off.

I'm always looking for a new idea that will be more productive than its cost.

The Puritan hated bear-baiting, not because it gave pain to the bear, but because it gave pleasure to the spectators.

Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the villagers gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," said Nasrudin, "I only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the villagers but the stupidest ran off to spr

I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem.

The only certainty is that nothing is certain.

"The Right Honorable Gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests and to his imagination for his facts."

There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary as 'unearned income.'

It took a while to surface, but it appears that a long-distance credit card may have saved a U.S. Army unit from heavy casualties during the Grenada military rescue/invasion. Major General David Nichols, Air Force ... said the Army unit was in a hous

Acting is not very hard. The most important things are to be able to laugh and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. And if I have to laugh, well, I think of my sex life.

Learning without thought is labor lost; thought without learning is perilous.

Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business. Cheat.

Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune.

"You boys lookin' for trouble?" "Sure. Whaddya got?"

I have ways of making money that you know nothing of.

All of us should treasure his Oriental wisdom and his preaching of a Zen-like detachment, as exemplified by his constant reminder to clerks, tellers, or others who grew excited by his presence in their banks: "Just lie down on the floor and keep calm

A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.

"It don't matter, Sail, ... Could be worse. The fam'ly might be donatin' the proceeds to the Cath'lic Church, or the Mormons or somethin'. One cult's the same another."

During almost fifteen centuries the legal establishment of Christianity has been upon trial. What has been its fruits? More or less, in all places, pride and indolence in the clergy; ignorance and servility in the laity,; in both, superstition, bigo

If any man wishes to be humbled and mortified, let him become president of Harvard.

It is better to have loved and lost

Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours.

Some women should be beaten regularly, like gongs.

Every cloud engenders not a storm.

"World conquerors sometimes become fools, but fools never become world conquerors."

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

Music in the soul can be heard by the universe.

When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is not far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere.

A full belly makes a dull brain.

We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it - and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that is well; but also she will never

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.

No group of professionals meets except to conspire against the public at large.

As to Jesus of Nazareth... I think the system of Morals and his Religion, as he left them to us, the best the World ever saw or is likely to see; but I apprehend it has received various corrupting Changes, and I have, with most of the present Dissent

A good name lost is seldom regained. When character is gone, all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever.

Burnt Sienna. That's the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas.

The Least Successful Police Dogs America has a very strong candidate in "La Dur", a fearsome looking schnauzer hound, who was retired from the Orlando police force in Florida in 1978. He consistently refused to do anything which might ruffle or of

There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter.

Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you awfully comfortable while you're being miserable.

A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)

"Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western religion, Rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western science."

Never buy from a rich salesman.

Adde parvum parvo manus acervus erit. [Add little to little and there will be a big pile.]

Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.

I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike.

You are never given a wish without also being given the power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however.

Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.

Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in.

If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women you've got in the house.

War spares not the brave, but the cowardly.

Mike: "The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?" Bernie: "Nobody ever empties the ashtrays. People are SO inconsiderate."

It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is?

The Least Successful Collector Betsy Baker played a central role in the history of collecting. She was employed as a servant in the house of John Warburton (1682-1759) who had amassed a fine collection of 58 first edition plays, including most of t

Cold is God's way of teling us to burn more Catholics.

The pollution's at that awkward stage. Too thick to navigate and too thin to cultivate.

My dear People. My dear Bagginses and Boffins, and my dear Tooks and Brandybucks, and Grubbs, and Chubbs, and Burrowses, and Hornblowers, and Bolgers, Bracegirdles, Goodbodies, Brockhouses and Proudfoots. Also my good Sackville Bagginses that I w

The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun.

VI: A hungry dog hunts best. A hungrier dog hunts even better. VII: Decreased business base increases overhead. So does increased business base. VIII: The most unsuccessful four years in the education of a cost-estimator is fifth grade ari

It is annoying to be honest to no purpose.

Sic transit gloria mundi. [So passes away the glory of this world.]

It pays in England to be a revolutionary and a bible-smacker most of one's life and then come round.

If men are not afraid to die, it is of no avail to threaten them with death. If men live in constant fear of dying, And if breaking the law means a man will be killed, Who will dare to break the law? There is always an official executioner. If

The health of a democratic society may be measured by the quality of functions performed by private citizens.

Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops.

Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even worse.

A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of.

When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff.

The world has many unintentionally cruel mechanisms that are not designed for people who walk on their hands.

For myself, I can only say that I am astonished and somewhat terrified at the results of this evening's experiments. Astonished at the wonderful power you have developed, and terrified at the thought that so much hideous and bad music may be put on

Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.

An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest.

It is either through the influence of narcotic potions, of which all primitive peoples and races speak in hymns, or through the powerful approach of spring, penetrating with joy all of nature, that those Dionysian stirrings arise, which in their int

Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than being flat broke and having a stomach ache.

Take what you can use and let the rest go by.

"Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun."

When eating an elephant take one bite at a time.

A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed.

Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in.

There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary as 'unearned income.'

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher. The butcher is weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and weeks. He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists, but he sings about his gin

Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall on our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!!

There is nothing so easy but that it becomes difficult when you do it reluctantly.

We know all about the habits of the ant, we know all about the habits of the bee, but we know nothing at all about the habits of the oyster. It seems almost certain that we have been choosing the wrong time for studying the oyster.

There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need the money; the second that you have something to say that you think the world should know; the third is that you can't think what to do with the long winter evenings.

We rarely find anyone who can say he has lived a happy life, and who, content with his life, can retire from the world like a satisfied guest.

Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she lived with was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always getting pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to the farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd w

The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average Russian's readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement of some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet reflection followed by sudden preventi

I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men

The Least Successful Equal Pay Advertisement In 1976 the European Economic Community pointed out to the Irish Government that it had not yet implemented the agreed sex equality legislation. The Dublin Government immediately advertised for an equal

We should have a great many fewer disputes in the world if only words were taken for what they are, the signs of our ideas only, and not for things themselves.

Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather a new wearer of clothes.

The only cultural advantage LA has over NY is that you can make a right turn on a red light.

Whenever anyone says, "theoretically," they really mean, "not really."

Then, gently touching my face, she hesitated for a moment as her incredible eyes poured forth into mine love, joy, pain, tragedy, acceptance, and peace. "'Bye for now," she said warmly.

I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.

Work Hard. Rock Hard. Eat Hard. Sleep Hard. Grow Big. Wear Glasses If You Need 'Em.

If I had any humility I would be perfect.

Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have taken him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an excess of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature.

The chief enemy of creativity is "good" sense

Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of government, therefore,

The politician is someone who deals in man's problems of adjustment. To ask a politician to lead us is to ask the tail of a dog to lead the dog.

The two party system ... is a triumph of the dialectic. It showed that two could be one and one could be two and had probably been fabricated by Hegel for the American market on a subcontract from General Dynamics.

Hard reality has a way of cramping your style.

He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man.

"What are you watching?" "I don't know." "Well, what's happening?" "I'm not sure... I think the guy in the hat did something terrible." "Why are you watching it?" "You're so analytical. Sometimes you just have to let art flow over you."

Living in New York City gives people real incentives to want things that nobody else wants.

When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.

Well, he thought, since neither Aristotelian Logic nor the disciplines of Science seemed to offer much hope, it's time to go beyond them... Drawing a few deep even breaths, he entered a mental state practiced only by Masters of the Universal Way of