There's no such thing as a free lunch.

United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the Christmas season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of all the military forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of all the patriots of every persuasion. Meanwhil

Whatever is not nailed down is mine. Whatever I can pry up is not nailed down.

If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.

The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt.

Men ought to know that from the brain and from the brain only arise our pleasures, joys, laughter, and jests as well as our sorrows, pains, griefs and tears. ... It is the same thing which makes us mad or delirious, inspires us with dread and fear,

Rembrandt is not to be compared in the painting of character with our extraordinarily gifted English artist, Mr. Rippingille.

It is so stupid of modern civilisation to have given up believing in the devil when he is the only explanation of it.

If you don't count some of Jehovah's injunctions, there are no humorists in the Bible.

Trifles make perfection, and perfection is no trifle.

The greatest productive force is human selfishness.

I have always noticed that whenever a radical takes to Imperialism, he catches it in a very acute form.

Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all.

I trust the first lion he meets will do his duty.

If you don't strike oil in twenty minutes, stop boring.

There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary as 'unearned income.'

A rich man told me recently that a liberal is a man who tells other people what to do with their money.

Sometimes when you look into his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.

In dwelling, be close to the land. In meditation, delve deep into the heart. In dealing with others, be gentle and kind. In speech, be true. In work, be competent. In action, be careful of your timing.

With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time they make a law it's a joke.

You can destroy your now by worrying about tomorrow.

A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election.

What is involved in such [close] relationships is a form of emotional chemistry, so far unexplained by any school of psychiatry I am aware of, that conditions nothing so simple as a choice between the poles of attraction and repulsion. You can meet

When you say that you agree to a thing in principle, you mean that you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice.

I dote on his very absence.

The great nations have always acted like gangsters and the small nations like prostitutes.

"There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him during the trial."

"Rights" is a fictional abstraction. No one has "Rights", neither machines nor flesh-and-blood. Persons... have opportunities, not rights, which they use or do not use.

I just asked myself... what would John DeLorean do?

The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.

You know it's going to be a long day when you get up, shave and shower, start to get dressed and your shoes are still warm.

If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.

Imagine what we can imagine!

Something's rotten in the state of Denmark.

Black people have never rioted. A riot is what white people think blacks are involved in when they burn stores.

"I'm dying," he croaked. "My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted . "You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized. "That's no beagle, it's a mongrel," she muttered. "The fire is going out," he bellowed. "Bad marksmanship," the h

The superfluous is very necessary.

Theology is an attempt to explain a subject by men who do not understand it. The intent is not to tell the truth but to satisfy the questioner.

A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.

We should be glad we're living in the time that we are. If any of us had been born into a more enlightened age, I'm sure we would have immediately been taken out and shot.

If people say that here and there someone has been taken away and maltreated, I can only reply: You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs.

Look, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters, con-men. That's the way businesses get started. That's the way this country was built.

It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.

"Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him."

A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms.

Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith.

Sometimes, too long is too long.

It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our offense consists in doubting it.

When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes.

Intellect annuls Fate. So far as a man thinks, he is free.

Then, gently touching my face, she hesitated for a moment as her incredible eyes poured forth into mine love, joy, pain, tragedy, acceptance, and peace. "'Bye for now," she said warmly.

Tart words make no friends; a spoonful of honey will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar.

The Least Successful Collector Betsy Baker played a central role in the history of collecting. She was employed as a servant in the house of John Warburton (1682-1759) who had amassed a fine collection of 58 first edition plays, including most of t

Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.

The man who raises a fist has run out of ideas.

Patch griefs with proverbs.

A critic is a bundle of biases held loosely together by a sense of taste.

The means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers, always end up on their ends without any means.

Giving money and power to governments is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.

Texas is Hell on woman and horses.

Generally speaking, the Way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death.

Producers seem to be so prejudiced against actors who've had no training. And there's no reason for it. So what if I didn't attend the Royal Academy for twelve years? I'm still a professional trying to be the best actress I can. Why doesn't anyone

I am not now and never have been a girl friend of Henry Kissinger.

Too clever is dumb.

The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly important thing to people.

The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey.

They also serve who only stand and wait.

There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the existence of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any marginally competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat engine and make some other part of hell

It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters.

The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.

Sweet April showers do spring May flowers.

Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground

For courage mounteth with occasion.

If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.

"Listen to what I say, not what I mean. I mean ...."

There's nothing in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead armadillos.

For myself, I can only say that I am astonished and somewhat terrified at the results of this evening's experiments. Astonished at the wonderful power you have developed, and terrified at the thought that so much hideous and bad music may be put on

Suffering alone exists, none who suffer; The deed there is, but no doer thereof; Nirvana is, but no one is seeking it; The Path there is, but none who travel it.

He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue.

The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it.

You can't start worrying about what's going to happen. You get spastic enough worrying about what's happening now.

If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours.

Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits.

"I have to convince you, or at least snow you ..."

There is no ox so dumb as the orthodox.

Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in.

Whatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts.

You may my glories and my state dispose, But not my griefs; still am I king of those.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

It's better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all.

I have made mistakes but I have never made the mistake of claiming that I have never made one.

Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.

Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak!

I always say beauty is only sin deep.

After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon to be created." "This is true," He replied.

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books.

He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.

Divorce is a game played by lawyers.

A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough to take it all away.

English literature's performing flea.

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

Darth Vader! Only you would be so bold!

As to the Adjective: when in doubt, strike it out.

What makes you think graduate school is supposed to be satisfying?

The man who runs may fight again.

One good turn deserves another.

It is easy when we are in prosperity to give advice to the afflicted.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence.

Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade, since it consists principally of dealings with men.

It seems appropriate to me that Mapplethorpe's perverse images should be situated so close to Congress, which perpetuates a number of unnatural acts upon the body politic every day, without benefit of artificial lubrication or foreplay.

Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.

Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune.

The average Ph.D thesis is nothing but the transference of bones from one graveyard to another.

Love may laugh at locksmiths, but he has a profound respect for money bags.

A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it.

No small art is it to sleep: it is necessary for that purpose to keep awake all day.

There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit at a typewriter and open a vein.

If it were thought that anything I wrote was influenced by Robert Frost, I would take that particular work of mine, shred it, and flush it down the toilet, hoping not to clog the pipes. A more sententious, holding- forth old bore who expected every

The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe.

Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental Anguish. You would sue: * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions

Nothing succeeds like excess.

There is nothing so easy but that it becomes difficult when you do it reluctantly.

Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words since I first called my brother's father dad.

The most recent attempt to revive the moribund campus left, a national conference held at Rutgers University February 5-7, ended when the participants decided that they were too racist to found a new national organization. The stated goal of the c

A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.

Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.

Our sires' age was worse that our grandsires'. We their sons are more worthless than they: so in our turn we shall give the world a progeny yet more corrupt.

Conscience doth make cowards of us all.

"I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed. Oh, I know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people I don't know yet

The best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure.

Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life.

If you are a fatalist, what can you do about it?

The more laws and order are made prominent, the more thieves and robbers there will be.

Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man.

There is more to life than increasing its speed.

Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously; and do not take what happens either to yourself or your work seriously.

A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.

They sentenced me to twenty years of boredom for trying to change the system from within. I'm coming now I'm coming to reward them. First we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin. I'm guided by a signal in the heavens. I'm guided by this birthmark

If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied harder.

We must remember that in time of war what is said on the enemy's side of the front is always propaganda and what is said on our side of the front is truth and righteousness, the cause of humanity and a crusade for peace.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

There are two ways of disliking art. One is to dislike it. The other is to like it rationally.

I see where we are starting to pay some attention to our neigbors to the south. We could never understand why Mexico wasn't just crazy about us; for we have always had their good will, and oil and minerals, at heart.

All diplomacy is a continuation of war by other means.

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

No matter whether th' constitution follows th' flag or not, th' supreme court follows th' iliction returns.

In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty lashes with the cat or the dog,

There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

He hath eaten me out of house and home.

In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!"

There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Pope.

Virtue would go far if vanity did not keep it company.

You'd best be snoozin', 'cause you don't be gettin' no work done at 5 a.m. anyway.

No group of professionals meets except to conspire against the public at large.

Before you ask more questions, think about whether you really want to know the answers.

Visits always give pleasure: if not on arrival, then on the departure.

He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom.

Let's do it.

If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in James Watt's office.

... a thing called Ethics, whose nature was confusing but if you had it you were a High-Class Realtor and if you hadn't you were a shyster, a piker and a fly-by-night. These virtues awakened Confidence and enabled you to handle Bigger Propositions.

Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business. Cheat.

He who fears the unknown may one day flee from his own backside.

"Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around, I'd rather lie around. No contest."

Once, I read that a man be never stronger than when he truly realizes how weak he is.

The life which is unexamined is not worth living.

Exxon's 'Universe of Energy' tends to the peculiar rather than the humorous ... After [an incomprehensible film montage about wind and sun and rain and strip mines and] two or three minutes of mechanical confusion, the seats locomote through a short

Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.

We are upping our standards ... so up yours.

Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet deprecate agitation, are men who want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean without the roar of its many waters.

It pays in England to be a revolutionary and a bible-smacker most of one's life and then come round.

Another day, another dollar.

Everything is possible. Pass the word.

As long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great industries are secure. We hear about constitutional rights, free speech and the free press. Every time I hear these words I say to myself, "That man is a Red, that man is a Comm

If I made peace with Russia today, I'd only attack her again tomorrow. I just couldn't help myself.

Do not use that foreign word "ideals". We have that excellent native word "lies".

"Hey, Sam, how about a loan?" "Whattaya need?" "Oh, about $500." "Whattaya got for collateral?" "Whattaya need?" "How about an eye?"

A violent man will die a violent death.

Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.

Here's to women. Would that we could fall into her arms without falling into her hands.

The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently.

Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it!

An honest tale speeds best being plainly told.

No Marxist can deny that the interests of socialism are higher than the interests of the right of nations to self-determination.

The Least Successful Executions History has furnished us with two executioners worthy of attention. The first performed in Sydney in Australia. In 1803 three attempts were made to hang a Mr. Joseph Samuels. On the first two of these the rope snap

Charity begins at home.

Nothing recedes like success.

I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men

Life is a hospital in which every patient is possessed by the desire to change his bed.

We are not loved by our friends for what we are; rather, we are loved in spite of what we are.

The sunlights differ, but there is only one darkness.

"You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive."

I will follow the good side right to the fire, but not into it if I can help it.

"... I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that was supposed to make me look like the dashing, romantic Zorro but which actually made me look like a gigantic bat wearing glasses ..."

Harp not on that string.

If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads.

As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport.

I was in accord with the system so long as it permitted me to function effectively.

A myth is a religion in which no-one any longer believes.

Hard reality has a way of cramping your style.

Fame lost its appeal for me when I went into a public restroom and an autograph seeker handed me a pen and paper under the stall door.

Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow!

It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our offense consists in doubting it.

"MOKE DAT YIGARETTE"