Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish.

If I made peace with Russia today, I'd only attack her again tomorrow. I just couldn't help myself.

Imagine me going around with a pot belly. It would mean political ruin.

A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.

I always wake up at the crack of ice.

By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve.

The problem with me is that I am fifty or one hundred years ahead of my time. My speed is very fast. Some ministers have had to drop out of my government because they could not keep up.

If the Nazis had television with satellite technology, we'd all be goose-stepping. Americans are just as suggestible.

The life which is unexamined is not worth living.

Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know.

In my experience, if you have to keep the lavatory door shut by extending your left leg, it's modern architecture.

Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.

The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

Men freely believe that what they wish to desire.

Political history is far too criminal a subject to be a fit thing to teach children.

The possession of a book becomes a substitute for reading it.

The only "ism" Hollywood believes in is plagiarism.

Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength. War is peace.

"Yes, that was Richard Nixon. He used to be President. When he left the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware."

It is either through the influence of narcotic potions, of which all primitive peoples and races speak in hymns, or through the powerful approach of spring, penetrating with joy all of nature, that those Dionysian stirrings arise, which in their int

Rome was not built in one day.

Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying.

Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't, don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck.

To teach is to learn twice.

The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine we own.

The English instinctively admire any man who has no talent and is modest about it.

It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure.

Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry.

Necessity hath no law.

What does education often do? It makes a straight cut ditch of a free meandering brook.

It's not easy, being green.

You can't underestimate the power of fear.

I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man.

Home is where the hurt is.

The Poems, all three hundred of them, may be summed up in one of their phrases: "Let our thoughts be correct".

If there really was a Jewish conspiracy to run the world, my rabbi would have let me in on it by now. I contribute enough to the shule.

I heard a definition of an intellectual, that I thought was very interesting: a man who takes more words than are necessary to tell more than he knows.

The term "fire" brings up visions of violence and mayhem and the ugly scene of shooting employees who make mistakes. We will now refer to this process as "deleting" an employee (much as a file is deleted from a disk). The employee is simply there o

Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.

He that teaches himself has a fool for a master.

One man's Mede is another man's Persian.

CF&C stole it, fair and square.

To do two things at once is to do neither.

The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity that would be clearly understood.

Of all men's miseries, the bitterest is this: to know so much and have control over nothing.

An actor's a guy who if you ain't talkin' about him, ain't listening.

Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody.

Man is the measure of all things.

Small things make base men proud.

Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at reasonable prices? Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's build a home center. And before long ho

Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their handbags are full.

A drama critic is a person who surprises a playwright by informing him what he meant.

The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.

My daddy's brains was so scrambled he thought he was Jesus. They put him in a nut house for 5 years and when he got out, he didn't think he was Jesus, he thought he was *God*! ... Which made me Jesus.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

Unknown person(s) stole the American flag from its pole in Etra Park sometime between 3pm Jan 17 and 11:30 am Jan 20. The flag is described as red, white and blue, having 50 stars and was valued at $40.

HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., motion that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate amendment making changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. The Senate amendment was an amendment to the

Peace cannot be kept by force; it can only be achieved by understanding.

The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used.

No one born with a mouth and a need is "innocent".

Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt?

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.

An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.

Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.

The human instinct to censor thrives, as it always will, living in irrepressible conflict with the human instinct to speak. Outrage, self-righteousness, and paranoia feed the maw of censorship. Squelching speech, however, never reduces society's net

Govern a great nation as you would cook a small fish. Don't overdo it.

Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills.

For the first time we have a weapon that nobody has used for thirty years. This gives me great hope for the human race.

XI: If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would get twice as much done. If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty times as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all the managers would fly off. XII: I

Alas, how love can trifle with itself!

"Hey, Sam, how about a loan?" "Whattaya need?" "Oh, about $500." "Whattaya got for collateral?" "Whattaya need?" "How about an eye?"

When you're in command, command.

Optimism is the content of small men in high places.

When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life.

Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform.

No is no negative in a woman's mouth.

The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence that it is not utterly absurd; indeed, in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind, a widespread belief is more often likely to be foolish than sensible.

Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away someone else's cash.

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

"Rights" is a fictional abstraction. No one has "Rights", neither machines nor flesh-and-blood. Persons... have opportunities, not rights, which they use or do not use.

Those who have had no share in the good fortunes of the mighty Often have a share in their misfortunes.

In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they have obtained from books of travel.

Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think about sex at all... they become lawyers.

Whom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

A racially integrated community is a chronological term timed from the entrance of the first black family to the exit of the last white family.

If you know the answer to a question, don't ask.

War is delightful to those who have had no experience of it.

There's no such thing as a free lunch.

They use different words for things in America. For instance they say elevator and we say lift. They say drapes and we say curtains. They say president and we say brain damaged git.

When you are at Rome live in the Roman style; when you are elsewhere live as they live elsewhere.

Princeton's taste is sweet like a strawberry tart. Harvard's is a subtle taste, like whiskey, coffee, or tobacco. It may even be a bad habit, for all I know.

To know Edina is to reject it.

Practice is the best of all instructors.

"The jig's up, Elman." "Which jig?"

In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred thousand miles long ... se

The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.

There's no justice in this world.

Human resources are human first, and resources second.

Love may laugh at locksmiths, but he has a profound respect for money bags.

And they mainly want to teach them not to question, not to imagine, but to be obedient and behave well so that they can hold them forever as children to their bosom as the second millennium lurches toward its panicky close.

Indiana is a state dedicated to basketball. Basketball, soybeans, hogs and basketball. Berkeley, needless to say, is not nearly as athletic. Berkeley is dedicated to coffee, angst, potholes and coffee.

We ... make the modern error of dignifying the Individual. We do everything we can to butter him up. We give him a name, assure him that he has certain inalienable rights, educate him, let him pass on his name to his brats and when he dies we give

Diary of a Young Girl LITE(tm)

What we do not understand we do not possess.

I will make you shorter by the head.

The most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage in the country is the one on which you resell it.

Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?

Better the prince of some inferior court, Than second, or less, in beatific light.

"It don't matter, Sail, ... Could be worse. The fam'ly might be donatin' the proceeds to the Cath'lic Church, or the Mormons or somethin'. One cult's the same another."

It's hard to drive at the limit, but it's harder to know where the limits are.

The faster I go, the behinder I get.

There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.

It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is?

Recently deceased blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan "comes to" after his death. He sees Jimi Hendrix sitting next to him, tuning his guitar. "Holy cow," he thinks to himself, "this guy is my idol." Over at the microphone, about to sing, are Jim Mo

Concerning the war in Vietnam, Senator George Aiken of Vermount noted in January, 1966, "I'm not very keen for doves or hawks. I think we need more owls."

... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If somebody gets handed a name like "H.

How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese?

What you want, what you're hanging around in the world waiting for, is for something to occur to you.

To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D.

... it still remains true that as a set of cognitive beliefs about the existence of God in any recognizable sense continuous with the great systems of the past, religious doctrines constitute a speculative hypothesis of an extremely low order of prob

Somehow I reached excess without ever noticing when I was passing through satisfaction.

How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another in the waking state?

If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, it might well prolong his life.

You are never given a wish without also being given the power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however.

If we can ever make red tape nutritional, we can feed the world.

God gave man two ears and one tongue so that we listen twice as much as we speak.

The price of seeking to force our beliefs on others is that someday they might force their beliefs on us.

Law enforcement officers should use only the minimum force necessary in dealing with disorders when they arise.

Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big enough majority in any town?

Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.

Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high, they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.

Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it.

She applies her lipstick in spite of its contents: "greasy rouge, containing crushed and dried insect corpses for coloring, beeswax for stiffness, and olive oil to help it flow - the latter having the unfortunate tendency to go rancid several hours a

A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious.

Show business is just like high school, except you get paid.

Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l.

The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine man in the bonds of Hell.

The major sin is the sin of being born.

I always had a repulsive need to be something more than human.

Flame on!

If we suffer tamely a lawless attack upon our liberty, we encourage it, and involve others in our doom.

While there's life, there's hope.

I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to sacrifice my wife's brother.

The tree in which the sap is stagnant remains fruitless.

Here's to women. Would that we could fall into her arms without falling into her hands.

The great question that has never been answered and which I have not yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul is: WHAT DOES A WOMAN WANT?

A woman takes off her claim to respect along with her garments.

The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch someone else doing it wrong, without commenting.

For thee the wonder-working earth puts forth sweet flowers.

A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.

Unless hours were cups of sack, and minutes capons, and clocks the tongues of bawds, and dials the signs of leaping houses, and the blessed sun himself a fair, hot wench in flame-colored taffeta, I see no reason why thou shouldst be so superfluous to

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community a better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to treat your own family with loving un

If you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that's read by persons who move their lips when the're reading to themselves.

When neither their poverty nor their honor is touched, the majority of men live content.

A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough to take it all away.

He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.

If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism.

Solipsists of the World... you are already united.

Events are not affected, they develop.

The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind.

"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company."

The Least Successful Collector Betsy Baker played a central role in the history of collecting. She was employed as a servant in the house of John Warburton (1682-1759) who had amassed a fine collection of 58 first edition plays, including most of t

Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than being flat broke and having a stomach ache.

All of us should treasure his Oriental wisdom and his preaching of a Zen-like detachment, as exemplified by his constant reminder to clerks, tellers, or others who grew excited by his presence in their banks: "Just lie down on the floor and keep calm

The chief enemy of creativity is "good" sense

It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.

Try not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be educational.

As Gen. de Gaulle occassionally acknowledges America to be the daughter of Europe, so I am pleased to come to Yale, the daughter of Harvard.

Business will be either better or worse.

Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even.

If Presidents don't do it to their wives, they do it to the country.

Bullwinkle: You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the outfit. General: What does that make YOU? Bullwinkle: What else? An executive.

Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good solutions seldom black or white. Beware of the solution that requires one side to be totally the loser and the other side to be totally the winner. The reason there are two sides to be

"You and I as individuals can, by borrowing, live beyond our means, but only for a limited period of time. Why should we think that collectively, as a nation, we are not bound by that same limitation?"

There must be more to life than having everything.

You roll my log, and I will roll yours.

English literature's performing flea.

"No job too big; no fee too big!"

Likewise, the national appetizer, brine-cured herring with raw onions, wins few friends, Germans excepted.

Coincidences are spiritual puns.

Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.

Majorities, of course, start with minorities.

Never buy what you do not want because it is cheap; it will be dear to you.

The true Southern watermelon is a boon apart, and not to be mentioned with commoner things. It is chief of the world's luxuries, king by the grace of God over all the fruits of the earth. When one has tasted it, he knows what the angels eat. It wa

If Christianity was morality, Socrates would be the Saviour.

... Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are. On one side, you have George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of fraternity hazing wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating stunts to win the approval of the Republican Righ

It is not the critic who counts, or how the strong man stumbled, or whether the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives vali

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths good theatre.

An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition.

The sunlights differ, but there is only one darkness.

But, for my own part, it was Greek to me.

Even the clearest and most perfect circumstantial evidence is likely to be at fault, after all, and therefore ought to be received with great caution. Take the case of any pencil, sharpened by any woman; if you have witnesses, you will find she did

It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our offense consists in doubting it.

I never deny, I never contradict. I sometimes forget.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

Set the cart before the horse.

There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

There is no fool to the old fool.

Take what you can use and let the rest go by.

If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one.

Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.

It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim of infanticide.

Music in the soul can be heard by the universe.

For a light heart lives long.

April 1 This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.

If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.