There is only one word for aid that is genuinely without strings, and that word is blackmail.

A diplomat's life consists of three things: protocol, Geritol, and alcohol.

You tread upon my patience.

I'd just as soon kiss a Wookie.

Virtue is not left to stand alone. He who practices it will have neighbors.

Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind the tree."

I would have made a good pope.

Very few blacks will take up golf until the requirement for plaid pants is dropped.

Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.

My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it.

When a man assumes a public trust, he should consider himself as public property.

She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.

Three things have been difficult to tame: The oceans, fools, and women. We may soon be able to tame the ocean. Fools and women will take a little longer.

Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson Bay, left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. Using a bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and great effort pushing boulders into a single

God helps them that help themselves.

The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one.

I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.

All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies.

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.

It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.

What fools these mortals be.

Ye've also got to remember that ... respectable people do the most astonishin' things to preserve their respectability. Thank God I'm not respectable.

Littering is dumb.

I would not like to be a political leader in Russia. They never know when they're being taped.

Three o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too late or a little too early for anything you want to do.

They can't stop us... we're on a mission from God!

You have all eternity to be cautious in when you're dead.

The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.

I always wake up at the crack of ice.

Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l.

If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life.

If you cannot convince them, confuse them.

Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it.

Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to examine the laws of heat.

I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands, one nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

Once, I read that a man be never stronger than when he truly realizes how weak he is.

Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other forms that have been tried from time to time.

It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too.

"MOKE DAT YIGARETTE"

I accept chaos. I am not sure whether it accepts me. I know some people are terrified of the bomb. But then some people are terrified to be seen carrying a modern screen magazine. Experience teaches us that silence terrifies people the most.

People of privilege will always risk their complete destruction rather than surrender any material part of their advantage.

This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly, because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has "deregulated" the airline industry. What t

Darth Vader! Only you would be so bold!