If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know.

Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they had towels from my house.

Just close your eyes, tap your heels together three times, and think to yourself, `There's no place like home.'

A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility.

Who dat who say "who dat" when I say "who dat"?

A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies, scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom.

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.

Maryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on the dance floor. Now everyone's doing it. It's called grand slam dancing.

"Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever

From the cradle to the coffin underwear comes first.

I just got off the phone with Sonny Barger [President of the Hell's Angels]. He wants me to appear as a character witness for him at his murder trial and said he'd be glad to appear as a character witness on my behalf if I ever needed one. Needless

The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.

You can't expect a boy to be vicious till he's been to a good school.

The more laws and order are made prominent, the more thieves and robbers there will be.

Mental power tended to corrupt, and absolute intelligence tended to corrupt absolutely, until the victim eschewed violence entirely in favor of smart solutions to stupid problems.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need the money; the second that you have something to say that you think the world should know; the third is that you can't think what to do with the long winter evenings.

I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some kind of loophole.

Whom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest amount of hot air.

Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.

Very few blacks will take up golf until the requirement for plaid pants is dropped.

I BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on the same day. Then that night, they burned the wheel.

Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.

One of my favorite jokes, a telling commentary on Jewish mothers' capacity to lay on guilt, involves the mother who gave her son two neckties on Chanuka. The boy hurried into his bedroom, ripped off the tie he was wearing, put on one of the ties his

If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.

It's from Casablanca. I've been waiting all my life to use that line.

No poet or novelist wishes he was the only one who ever lived, but most of them wish they were the only one alive, and quite a number fondly believe their wish has been granted.

There are no accidents whatsoever in the universe.

Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.

There is no comfort without pain; thus we define salvation through suffering.

Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.

If I had any humility I would be perfect.

A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed.

The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late and owns the worm farm.

Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest.

Turn the other cheek.

My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my family, it seems, begins where yours left off.

Were there no women, men might live like gods.